Fresh Start 2019 Summer Challenge – Day #4

by | June 20, 2019 | 0 comments

Fresh Start 2019 Summer Challenge – Day #4

by | June 20, 2019 | 0 comments

*This free challenge ended on June 21, 2019, but please stay tuned for our next 5 day mini-course happening in January 2020*

CONGRATS! You’ve made it to day 4! At this point, you’ve been practicing slowing down, pausing, and seeking to understand your kiddos’ behaviors for a few days now…how are you feeling?

  • More confident?
  • More hopeful?
  • More empowered?
  • More connected?
  • More supported?
  • Less alone?
  • More intentional?
  • Less volatile, more peaceful?
  • More influential?

So many of you have posted in the private facebook group about eye opening situations where you felt SO much better with your parenting….hooray! Every single one of your success stories make me smile, thank you SO much for sharing.

But there’s something important I want to make sure I address.

if you’re feeling a bit confused, don’t worry! It’s part of the process. You’re learning a lot this week & you’re going to have questions. You’re not expected to have all the answers yet or know exactly what to do in every situation, just stay “In Learning” and the answers WILL come!


~HOW TO WORK WITH KIDS WHO ARE

ACTING OUT IN REVENGE~

Today’s we’re moving on to talk about Revenge Misbehaviors, which can be really tough for families to handle with integrity. Remember that when our child acts out in revenge, it can trigger a lot of deep emotions in us that will make you feel like you are going to explode. Slow down, breathe, and give yourself a moment to reach into your toolkit (instead of reacting like a volcano).

Step #1: When the stimulus comes your way (misbehavior):

  • Pause
  • Ask yourself, HOW AM I FEELING? and What could my child be trying to communicate right now?
  • If the answer is “I feel HURT & ANGRY (often with fire coming out your head like a volcano!)?”….then try these strategies.
    1. Stop retaliating & step to the side.
    2. Identify 2 things you love about your kiddo.
    3. Try to find out WHY your child feels hurt. (seek to understand)
    4. Take responsibility for any contribution you had to the hurt and talk to your child about it (after everyone’s emotions have come back down to neutral).
    5. Commit to teaching / finding a new solution for your child to take care of himself when he/she is feeling hurt.
      • i.e. “Hey buddy, do you think today when you said “I hate you Momma”…that you might just have been mad at me? Or feeling hurt that I yelled, or used a threatening tone with you?….Because I know you don’t hate me buddy, I know that you love me so much & that I love you so much.” (Your child in a calm time will probably answer “Yes, Mom, I was just feeling mad, or just feeling like my feelings were hurt”.)
        1. Then you can teach them “Ok, I get it. Next time when you feel hurt or mad….do you think you could try saying “Mom, I feel so mad right now” instead of saying “I hate you” (or throwing, kicking, hitting, etc.)
        2. Then ask your kiddo to actually practice saying that verbiage! Practice is an important element to success.

ACTIVITY:

  • Find ONE time today when your child starts to misbehave, when you stop to ask yourself:
    • “HOW AM I FEELING”
    • Journal Prompt
      • Write down your answer to this question, as well as the misbehavior / stimulus that occurred.
      • Hypothesize which category of misbehavior your child may be in (You WON’T have all the answers yet, this is just a guess right now.)

BONUS : If you think you know what category your kiddo is misbehaving in, try to apply a strategy or two!


WATCH:

Click HERE to watch today’s QUICK 13 min. video tutorial


SUPPORT:

10:30am (PT – California US time) Head to the private challenge facebook group for today’s live 15 min. coaching session & Q/A on this topic. Ask questions, be in community, get supported!


See you back tomorrow for our last lesson together!!


REVIEW: 4 Different Misbehavior Categories

Attention

  • Seeking attention from you in an inappropriate way
  • Any attention is deemed good by kids….even negative attention. We want to break this cycle.
  • Kids who misbehave in this category often have a mistaken belief that “the more you play with me or give me attention, the more you love me”
  • Parents will FEEL: IRRITATED, ANNOYED

Inadequacy / Avoidance (Kids

  • Not feeling capable of doing a task, doubting themselves, thinking they “just can’t on their own”
  • Often arises when a new task is being learned
  • Kids who behave this way NEED us to hold them in the light when they can’t hold themselves!
  • Parents will FEEL: PITY, THE DESIRE TO RESCUE

Revenge

  • When kids do something or say something that is revengeful
  • Kids who misbehave in this category often have a mistaken belief that “When I feel hurt, I have to hurt back….often because that’s what’s been modeled to me.” (ouch, I know…that one stings huh?)
  • Parents will FEEL: HURT, ANGRY

Power

  • When kids are in this category of misbehavior, they have a strong desire to FEEL powerful, but are seeking power in an inappropriate way.
  • Kids who misbehave in this category often have a mistaken belief that “In order to FEEL powerful, I must overpower others…often because that’s what’s been modeled to me!” (ouch, that one stings too, yikes!)
  • Parents will FEEL: PROVOKED, CHALLENGED

REVIEW: Redirection Strategies Covered So Far:

Attention:

  1. Pause
  2. Ask yourself, “HOW AM I FEELING?” and “What could my child be trying to communicate right now?”
  3. If the answer is “I feel IRRITATED & ANNOYED”….then try these strategies.
    1. With immediate action…soft loving physical touch WITH OUT eye contact or words
    2. Teaching in a calm time how to ask for attention in an appropriate way
    3. Logical consequences – finish your phone call in the bathroom with the door closed.

Inadequacy / Avoidance:

  1. Pause
  2. Ask yourself, HOW AM I FEELING? and What could my child be trying to communicate right now?
  3. If the answer is “I feel sorry for or feel pity for my child, and am tempted to rescue them”….then try these strategies.
    1. Acknowledge what task they might feel is overwhelming or that they are feeling incapable about
    2. Help them break down the tasks into smaller sections, teaching them how to celebrate after they accomplish each section.
    3. Teach them in a calm time how to clean up negative self-talk.
      1. Modeling this (speaking out loud) is the best way to teach kids!

Revenge:

  1. Pause
  2. Ask yourself, HOW AM I FEELING? and What could my child be trying to communicate right now?
  3. If the answer is “I feel HURT & ANGRY (often with fire coming out your head like a volcano!)?”….then try these strategies.
    1. Stop retaliating & step to the side.
    2. Identify 2 things you love about your kiddo.
    3. Try to find out WHY your child feels hurt. (seek to understand)
    4. Take responsibility for any contribution you had to the hurt and talk to your child about it (after everyone’s emotions have come back down to neutral).
    5. Commit to teaching / finding a new solution for your child to take care of himself when he/she is feeling hurt.
      • i.e. “Hey buddy, do you think today when you said “I hate you Momma”…that you might just have been mad at me? Or feeling hurt that I yelled, or used a threatening tone with you?….Because I know you don’t hate me buddy, I know that you love me so much & that I love you so much.” (Your child in a calm time will probably answer “Yes, Mom, I was just feeling mad, or just feeling like my feelings were hurt”.)
        1. Then you can teach them “Ok, I get it. Next time when you feel hurt or mad….do you think you could try saying “Mom, I feel so mad right now” instead of saying “I hate you” (or throwing, kicking, hitting, etc.)
        2. Then ask your kiddo to actually practice saying that verbiage! Practice is an important element to success.

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