Fresh Start 2019 Summer Challenge – Day #5

by | June 21, 2019 | 0 comments

Fresh Start 2019 Summer Challenge – Day #5

by | June 21, 2019 | 0 comments

*This free challenge ended on June 21, 2019, but please stay tuned for our next 5 day mini-course happening in January 2020*

CONGRATS! You MADE IT to day 5! You committed to this challenge to head into summer feeling more:

  • Confident
  • Hopeful
  • Empowered
  • Positive
  • Peaceful
  • Capable
  • At Choice
  • Light-Hearted
  • Connected
  • Intentional
  • Respectful
  • Kind
  • EFFECTIVE!

….and you’ve done it!

Whether you’re feeling ALL of those things, or just one, please stop to give yourself a pat on the back.

Committing to this challenge, showing up daily & having the courage to try new things in your home is so courageous and a BIG DEAL! You are SEEN & ADMIRED families…SO seen and admired!

I’ve saved my favorite misbehavior category (to coach parents on) for our last day together….POWER STRUGGLES!

Oh my, so many of us have power struggles going on in our homes & let me tell you families…when you learn to change this dance up & apply new strategies in this area…..boy oh boy does it feel good!

I’m also outlining the important next steps for you to stay supported in this journey to learn positive parenting curriculum. Remember, this is a JOURNEY! An 18 year plus marathon, not a sprint, so it’s crucial that you stay in the work.

That’s why I’d like to officially invite you into my Bonfire Membership Community, where you can continue to walk this walk, be in community with like minded families from all around the world, learn more insanely effective parenting strategies and be both encouraged & challenged (to believe in yourself & your kids) by a certified parent educator, me!

After you’ve read through today’s lesson below, be sure to head over to The Bonfire info page to get all the details. This community is your new home!

p.s. Membership to this community only opens twice a year so I can focus on serving the members, so you don’t want to miss this opportunity! Doors will be open through Saturday night (6/9) at 11:59pm and won’t open again till 2019.


~HOW TO WORK WITH KIDS WHO ARE

ACTING OUT IN POWER~

When kids seek to feel powerful in inappropriate ways, they have a mistaken belief that “In order to feel powerful, I must overpower others”, because often that’s what’s been modeled to them….record scratch, yikes!

Kids who engage in a lot of power struggles have a BIG desire to lead & be in charge and parents, you’ve got to trust me that this is a GOOD thing. We NEED to raise a next generation of souls who are confident and strong leaders, while also being kind, respectful & empathetic in working with others. Kids who do “power” a lot, love to lead, are often extremely courageous & outspoken and also often spend a lot of their lives being told they need to change, or that something is wrong with them (because they push back a lot). If we can see them in a different light (as a gift to our world), we become WAY more effective at influencing them to have better behavior.

So today, we are switching it up & committing to teach our kids what true power really looks like in our family lives (power is different then force!)

When we become aware of the “dance” we’ve been doing with our kids (power struggles), it is extremely eye opening to realize that we have the powerful choice of stepping to the side of the power struggles. The age old “No I won’t & you can’t make me” brings parents to their knees and has so many resort to consistently relying on fear, force, bribery or rewards to overpower their kids (to MAKE them comply).

As we step away from the “dance”….we can creatively brainstorm on ways to dissolve power struggles with integrity and teach our kids lessons that have VERY deep rooted effectiveness.

Step #1: When the stimulus comes your way (misbehavior):

  • Pause
  • Ask yourself, HOW AM I FEELING? and What could my child be trying to communicate right now?
  • If the answer is “I feel PROVOKED & CHALLENGED (like if you went to war right now with your kid, you’d be determined to win!)?”….then try these strategies.
    1. Pause
    2. Stop pushing back & step to the side (with-drawl from the power struggle)
    3. Model for your child what self-calming & self-control looks like. Use no words or few words “I need some space to calm down right now…I’d like you to do the same.”
    4. During your self-calming, pull up these options to try with your child.
      1. Offer Choices
      2. Empower – Give them big jobs “CEO of the seatbelts” or “President of the bubble bath pouring”.
      3. Win/Win Negotiate – Use the verbiage “I feel __________, I want _________”, then ask them to do the same. After you both have gone, say “How are we going to make this work for both of us?”.

ACTIVITY:

  • Find ONE time today when your child starts to misbehave, when you stop to ask yourself:
    • “HOW AM I FEELING”
    • Journal Prompt
      • Write down your answer to this question, as well as the misbehavior / stimulus that occurred.
      • Hypothesize which category of misbehavior your child may be in, then try to apply a strategy or two!

WATCH:

Click HERE to watch today’s QUICK video tutorial AND attend today’s live facebook feed!


SUPPORT:

10:30am (PT – California US time) Head to the private challenge facebook group for our FINAL live 15 min. coaching session & Q/A together. This is going to be a jam packed session where I’m committed to answering ALL questions from those who attend LIVE, so be sure to attend!



REVIEW: 4 Different Misbehavior Categories

Attention

  • Seeking attention from you in an inappropriate way
  • Any attention is deemed good by kids….even negative attention. We want to break this cycle.
  • Kids who misbehave in this category often have a mistaken belief that “the more you play with me or give me attention, the more you love me”
  • Parents will FEEL: IRRITATED, ANNOYED

Inadequacy / Avoidance (Kids

  • Not feeling capable of doing a task, doubting themselves, thinking they “just can’t on their own”
  • Often arises when a new task is being learned
  • Kids who behave this way NEED us to hold them in the light when they can’t hold themselves!
  • Parents will FEEL: PITY, THE DESIRE TO RESCUE

Revenge

  • When kids do something or say something that is revengeful
  • Kids who misbehave in this category often have a mistaken belief that “When I feel hurt, I have to hurt back….often because that’s what’s been modeled to me.” (ouch, I know…that one stings huh?)
  • Parents will FEEL: HURT, ANGRY

Power

  • When kids are in this category of misbehavior, they have a strong desire to FEEL powerful, but are seeking power in an inappropriate way.
  • Kids who misbehave in this category often have a mistaken belief that “In order to FEEL powerful, I must overpower others…often because that’s what’s been modeled to me!” (ouch, that one stings too, yikes!)
  • Parents will FEEL: PROVOKED, CHALLENGED

REVIEW: Redirection Strategies:

Attention:

  1. Pause
  2. Ask yourself, “HOW AM I FEELING?” and “What could my child be trying to communicate right now?”
  3. If the answer is “I feel IRRITATED & ANNOYED”….then try these strategies.
    1. With immediate action…soft loving physical touch WITH OUT eye contact or words
    2. Teaching in a calm time how to ask for attention in an appropriate way
    3. Logical consequences – finish your phone call in the bathroom with the door closed.

Inadequacy / Avoidance:

  1. Pause
  2. Ask yourself, HOW AM I FEELING? and What could my child be trying to communicate right now?
  3. If the answer is “I feel sorry for or feel pity for my child, and am tempted to rescue them”….then try these strategies.
    1. Acknowledge what task they might feel is overwhelming or that they are feeling incapable about
    2. Help them break down the tasks into smaller sections, teaching them how to celebrate after they accomplish each section.
    3. Teach them in a calm time how to clean up negative self-talk.
      1. Modeling this (speaking out loud) is the best way to teach kids!

Power:

  1. Pause
  2. Ask yourself, HOW AM I FEELING? and What could my child be trying to communicate right now?
  3. If the answer is “I feel PROVOKED & CHALLENGED (like if you went to war right now with your kid, you’d be determined to win!)?”….then try these strategies.
    1. Pause
    2. Stop pushing back & step to the side (withdrawl from the power struggle)
    3. Model for your child what self-calming & self-control looks like. Use no words or few words “I need some space to calm down right now…I’d like you to do the same.”
    4. During your self-calming, pull up these options to try with your child.
      • Offer Choices
      • Empower – Give them big jobs “CEO of the seatbelts” or “President of the bubble bath pouring”.
      • Win/Win Negotiate – Use the verbiage “I feel __________, I want _________”, then ask them to do the same. After you both have gone, say “How are we going to make this work for both of us?”.

Revenge:

  1. Pause
  2. Ask yourself, HOW AM I FEELING? and What could my child be trying to communicate right now?
  3. If the answer is “I feel HURT & ANGRY (often with fire coming out your head like a volcano!)?”….then try these strategies.
    1. Stop retaliating & step to the side.
    2. Identify 2 things you love about your kiddo.
    3. Try to find out WHY your child feels hurt. (seek to understand)
    4. Take responsibility for any contribution you had to the hurt and talk to your child about it (after everyone’s emotions have come back down to neutral).
    5. Commit to teaching / finding a new solution for your child to take care of himself when he/she is feeling hurt.
      • i.e. “Hey buddy, do you think today when you said “I hate you Momma”…that you might just have been mad at me? Or feeling hurt that I yelled, or used a threatening tone with you?….Because I know you don’t hate me buddy, I know that you love me so much & that I love you so much.” (Your child in a calm time will probably answer “Yes, Mom, I was just feeling mad, or just feeling like my feelings were hurt”.)
        1. Then you can teach them “Ok, I get it. Next time when you feel hurt or mad….do you think you could try saying “Mom, I feel so mad right now” instead of saying “I hate you” (or throwing, kicking, hitting, etc.)
        2. Then ask your kiddo to actually practice saying that verbiage! Practice is an important element to success.

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