Why do we keep repeating the same painful patternsโฆ even when we know better?
In this powerful and deeply honest conversation, Wendy sits down with somatic practitioner and author Lauren Duke to unpack the truth behind repetition compulsion, the unconscious pull that keeps us stuck in familiar cycles of pain, conflict, and disconnection.
Lauren shares the extraordinary story of walking across Spain on the Camino de Santiago with her family, a bold, healing journey that helped her finally interrupt lifelong patterns of avoidance, reactivity, and emotional pain.
Together, they explore how our nervous systems are wired to repeat what hasnโt been resolved, how awareness creates the opportunity for change, and why real healing often begins when weโre willing to look in the mirror and take responsibility for our part.
This episode will challenge you, empower you, and remind you that even the deepest family wounds can be transformed.
Episode Highlights:
- Repetition compulsion is the unconscious pattern of recreating familiar pain in an attempt to heal what was unresolved.
- Awareness is the first step to breaking cycles, you canโt change what you canโt see.
- Slowing down, especially through practices like walking, creates space for reflection and nervous system regulation.
- You donโt always need to follow your impulses, you can choose a different response.
- Healing requires personal responsibility, even when it feels unfair to โgo first.โ
- Family relationships often hold our deepest wounds, and also our greatest opportunity for healing.
- Movement, nature, and intentional time together can support profound emotional repair.
- You are both the source of the pattern and the key to changing it.
Resources Mentioned:
Follow Lauren on Instagram
(pre) Order Lauren’s book This Walk Will Change You
Unable to listen, or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!
Wendy
Well hey there, families, welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show. Iโm your host, Wendy Snyder, Positive Parenting Educator and Family Life Coach. And I am thrilled to be here today with Lauren Duke, whoโs going to be talking to us about why the heck we keep repeating the pain, healing repetition compulsion. And weโre so happy youโre here, Lauren. Welcome to the show.
Lauren Duke
Thank you so much. Happy to be here.
Wendy
Oh my gosh, I adore you, Lauren. I just got to do some praise real quick. Thereโs a few reasons why I adore you. First, itโs really great to finally meet. We havenโt gotten to know each other personally, but weโve been in the same town. And your husband Chris was incredibly influential in my husbandโs life. Terry has always respected him so much.
And then Terry was actually the one who said, โLook at what Laurenโs doing, you need to have her on the show,โ and sent me your TED Talk. I just love your vibe.
A few things I love about you, you love animals, youโre a total dog person. I love that youโre a curser like me.
Lauren Duke
I was like, can we do that here?
Wendy
Yes, we can. Iโm literally wearing a shirt that says โDo no harm, but take no shit.โ I wore it to the post office and even like 80-year-old men were complimenting it.
Lauren Duke
Thereโs something very authentic about it. Weโre so conditioned to be filtered, and thatโs really about being accepted. From an evolutionary perspective, weโre pack animals, and being rejected meant danger.
So when someone just says whatโs on their mind, thereโs something safe about it. It signals honesty. And honestly, there arenโt that many people like that anymore.
Wendy
Yes, and that leads into something else I love about you. I feel like you have this energy of just saying the thing and being real.
Thatโs actually something I committed to this year, dropping the mask and just being myself. And it aligns so much with your work, especially when it comes to looking at your part in things.
At Fresh Start Family, we help parents understand that most of the work isnโt about fixing kids, itโs about looking inward, healing, and shifting how we show up. Thatโs where real change happens.
Lauren Duke
That reminds me of something important. We canโt separate ourselves from our parents. Who we are is contagious, itโs called affect contagion. From the moment weโre in the womb, weโre being shaped.
So when we talk about healing, I love self-compassion, but I actually think awareness and accountability are the foundation. Thatโs why I teach yoga, not just for movement, but for awareness. Everything you do affects the next thing.
When you understand your impact, thatโs when real healing begins. Itโs not always fun, but itโs powerful.
Wendy
Yes. That awareness piece is huge for our families. But we also see that self-compassion can lag behind. People realize their patterns quickly, but then they beat themselves up.
So how do you help people move from awareness into compassion?
Lauren Duke
You actually said it perfectly. When you understand how something was constructed, you naturally develop compassion.
For me, when I was diagnosed with PTSD, I had so much shame. But once I understood how it developed over time, I realized, of course this happened. That knowledge softened everything.
And then I started seeing those same patterns in others. Itโs like once you understand yourself, you canโt unsee it in the world.
Wendy
Yes, itโs like once you see it, itโs everywhere.
Lauren Duke
Exactly. And that awareness creates compassion, not just for yourself, but for everyone.
Wendy
Okay, letโs talk about the Camino. This journey you took with your family is incredible. Tell us how that came to be.
Lauren Duke
Itโs wild. My whole life, walking was my coping tool. When things were hard, Iโd go walk and feel better.
Years later, my mom heard about the Camino de Santiago and said she wanted to do it someday. Then in 2022, I was told by an astrologer that my next few years would involve pilgrimage, family, and education.
A month later, my body was in pain from sitting too much, and my bodyworker told me to take a long walk. And something in me said, Iโm going to walk across Spain, and Iโm taking my family.
Wendy
Thatโs incredible.
Lauren Duke
We all said yes. And it was crazy, because our family history is full of trauma, addiction, estrangement. But something bigger was pulling us together.
We walked for weeks, and being together that long forced us to create new stories. Thatโs what trauma is, itโs not just what happened, itโs what didnโt get resolved.
Wendy
Thatโs so powerful.
Lauren Duke
And it led me to understand repetition compulsion.
Wendy
Yes, tell us what that means.
Lauren Duke
Repetition compulsion is when we unconsciously repeat patterns from the past, trying to resolve something that was never completed.
Our nervous system keeps replaying the same responses until we interrupt them.
For me, it showed up in a fight with my sister. She reacted the way she always does, and I ran away like I always do. But this time, after hours of walking, I calmed down enough to reflect.
And I realized, Iโm part of this pattern too.
Wendy
That moment of awareness is everything.
Lauren Duke
Yes. And walking helped me get there. Running keeps you in survival mode. Walking slows you down enough to process.
When I came back to my sister, instead of reacting the same way, I chose differently. And thatโs how the cycle breaks.
Wendy
Thatโs incredible.
Lauren Duke
Itโs like an algorithm. The more you repeat something, the stronger it gets. The only way to stop it is to interrupt it.
But you canโt interrupt it without awareness.
Wendy
Yes. And itโs empowering to see that.
Lauren Duke
It really is. Because you realize, youโre both the problem and the solution.
Wendy
Thatโs such a powerful reframe.
Lauren Duke
And hereโs the hard truth, you have to be the one to go first. No one wants to hear that, but itโs true.
When you step up, others often follow.
Wendy
Yes, thatโs what we teach too. Itโs not easy, but itโs life-changing.
Lauren Duke
Exactly.
Wendy
Tell us about your new book.
Lauren Duke
Itโs called This Walk Will Change You. Itโs about the Camino, but also the science behind walking and resilience.
Itโs a story, but itโs also packed with research in a really accessible way.
It comes out in 2026, and Iโm so excited.
Wendy
I canโt wait to read it. Congratulations.
Lauren Duke
Thank you.
Wendy
Lauren, this has been incredible. Thank you so much for being here.
Lauren Duke
Thank you so much.
