4 Secrets to Building a Strong & Cooperative Family Foundation

Last week, I had the pleasure of hosting two incredible online Master Classes where families all over the nation came together to learn about 4 Secrets that many of us when we start our families. Secrets that don’t serve us & secrets that empower us to feel like we’re at choice when we parent.

We talked about how to be intentional about creating a plan for how we’ll build The Family of Our Dreams, because we ALL deserve that. We ALL deserve to have peace, and connection in our homes & to have littles who are respect limits & cooperate with our limits.

I covered 4 Foundational Pillars that create a strong family foundation. Pillars that are rock solid…full of compassion, mutual respect, trust, kindness, firmness, strong boundaries, healthy communication, effective discipline, self-control & personal growth.

Since many couldn’t join last week, I took everything we discussed and popped it into a “Quick 5 minute read” version. You can read here and / or download the printable version to read before bed. I’m all about saving trees, but sometimes I just want to take a break from screens!

Areas Every Parent Can Focus on to Increase Peace, Joy & Connection in their Homes

​YOU are the expert for your family so let your heart guide you toward building the foundation YOU think is best! But there are things most people don’t hear before they have kids. There are secrets that are kept from us which is nonsense!

Secrets like:

• -Kids (especially toddlers & teens) are REALLY tough sometimes
• -There will be days when you might feel really really depressed
• -There will be days when you doubt yourself & worry you’re doing it all wrong
• -Some kids are more challenging than others, it’s not your fault if you get blessed with a strong & spirited kiddo
• -You have SO many choices when it comes to how you’ll parent. Make sure you take time to learn.
• -You might feel really alone, like you’re the only house on the block who has imperfect kids, but know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Perfection does NOT exist.
• -There might be days & months where you really don’t like your kid & that doesn’t make you a bad parent.
• -You don’t have to be heavy handed to display strength & leadership.

Secrets often are not a great thing in life (unless it’s a diamond ring or special gift!) so I’ve made it my mission to make sure none of you are left in the dark!

I have done the hard work for the last decade to make SURE these foundational pillars have the strength necessary to build a strong & cooperative family foundation. I can personally attest to the fact that these principles have transformed my family and helped my husband and I parent with respect, confidence & effectiveness.

Together, these areas can help you build the family of your dreams!

Pillar #1: Having the Right Shades On (perspective)

Pillar #2: Empowerment is Powerful (build your kids up) 

Pillar #3: Healthy Communication is Key (redirecting effectively)

Pillar #4: Discipline that Unites (firm & kind!)

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​Pillar #1: Having the Right Shades On  

Misbehavior = Communication

• -The work of Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs & his book “Children the Challenge” helped us understand our children’s development & behaviors.
  • -Published in 1964…Dreikurs was ahead of his time.
  • -Groundbreaking in helping parents understand their children’s actions better, giving them the guidance necessary to discipline lovingly and effectively

• -Rudolph Dreikurs helps us to understand, ALL children have needs:
  • -The need to feel like they belong
  • -The need to feel powerful (yes this is a healthy need!)
  • -The need to feel valuable
  • -The need to loved

• -When basic needs like these aren’t being met, kids communicate their desire for support through misbehavior.
  • -This is true for adults too! When our “buckets aren’t full”, we often don’t communicate in the healthiest way & misbehave also:
    • -Nasty tones with our spouse
    • -Cutting someone off on the freeway
    • -Snapping on our children when we’re stressed about something else
    • -Being grouchy at bedtime because we have a big deadline at work
  • -It’s important to ask ourselves when our child misbehaves: “What could they be trying to communicate?”

• -Rudolph Dreikurs started a movement of peaceful & positive parenting, including two programs that The Foundations Course is built upon: Redirecting Children’s Behavior (RCB) & The Joy of Parenting (JOP)

• -These three mind-set shifts will help you to be sure you’re seeing things in the right light:
  • –Mind shift #1: Misbehavior = Communication
    • -Children have NEEDS & they are learning
  • –Mind shift #2: Our kids are NOT out to get us
    • -Parenthood is about being a detective!
  • –Mind shift #3: We’re not supposed to know it all
    • -Messiness is beautiful & should be expected. There is so much to learn from challenge.

When Misbehavior Arises…

• -Ask yourself: What could they be trying to communicate?
• -What need might be unmet that I can help them with?

Pillar #2: Empowerment is Powerful

• -Kids who crave to FEEL powerful are healthy & normal kiddos.

• -The NEED to feel powerful is something all humans have
  • -Creating environments based on Unconditional Love help kids feel empowered to be themselves, even if they were created with a strong sense to lead.
  • -Empowering our kids is essential to creating self-confident & self-reliant children
  • -Encouragement fuels our children’s self-esteem & builds intrinsic motivation

• -Ways to empower…
  • -Choices – “Do you want to hop or run to the car”?
  • -Questions – “What do you need to put on your feet”?
  • -Jobs – “Can you please be in charge of making sure everyone gets their carseat buckles on & then give me a 10-4?”
  • -Ask for help – “I need your help, I know this isn’t working (fighting about the bath), so could you think of a way to help work this out?”

Pillar #3: Communication is Key

• -A team mentality…
  • -We are in this together & influencing our children to change starts with us.
  • -Leading with integrity is key
  • -When we understand the WHY’s behind our children’s misbehavior, we become clear on effective HOW’s (how to influence & redirect behaviors)
  • -Learning all about the 4 Categories of Misbehavior leads to effective redirecting when our kids NEED guidance, support & teaching.

• -4 Categories of Misbehavior…
  • -Attention
  • -Power
  • -Revenge
  • -Inadequacy

• -Best way to analyze which category your child is misbehaving in is by how YOU feel!
  • -Feel Irritated / Annoyed? Your child is inappropriately seeking attention
  • -Feel Provoked / Challenged? Your child is inappropriately seeking power
  • -Feel Hurt / Angry? Your child has hurt back because they have a limiting belief that “In order to feel better when I feel hurt, I must hurt back to others”

Pillar #4: Discipline That Unites

Such a great question, right?

• -Our Natural Design:
  • -God designed us with free will
  • -We’re not meant to be robots & neither are our kids
  • -Teaching kids to guide themselves (intrinsic motivation) & to WANT to behave (vs. HAVING TO) is what we’re shooting for.

• -Strength Through Challenges:
  • -Yes, discipline can be positive!
  • -Using compassionate, firm & kind strategies to teach builds trust & respect in the deepest ways.
  • -It’s essential to allow life to do some of the teaching for you (natural consequences)
  • -Logical consequences or results relate the mistake to learning in a direct, compassionate & firm way

• -The 4 R’s:
  • -Help parents use logical consequences with success
    • -If a child spills his milk, he cleans it up
    • -If a sibling does something unkind, they do a make-up
    • -If a child is having tough mornings, they go to bed earlier.
    • -If a kiddo makes a mistake, they do a learning role-play that evening (instead of playing on the block with friends).

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Review:

Pillar #1: Having the Right Shades On (perspective)

Pillar #2: Empowerment is Powerful (build your kids up)

Pillar #3: Communication is Key (redirecting effectively)

Pillar #4: Discipline that Unites (firm & kind!)

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Are you willing to try out some of these ideas as you step into tomorrow?

Remember, every day provides a Fresh Start to do things differently & move towards increased peace, joy & cooperation in your home.