In this inspiring episode, Wendy welcomes Eli Harwood, the voice behind “Attachment Nerd,” to explore the transformative power of securely attached parenting. Eli shares her deeply personal journey from a childhood without secure attachments to her work as a therapist and parent of three, including twins. Through relatable stories and practical strategies, she highlights the importance of attunement, emotional regulation, and repair in building stronger, more connected families. Eli’s message is clear: perfection isn’t the goal, but showing up with courage, humility, and compassion can create lasting change.
Whether you’re raising a strong-willed child, working to overcome your own past, or seeking deeper connection in your family, Eli’s insights offer hope and actionable tools for growth. With humor and vulnerability, she reminds us that it’s never too late to rewrite our story and leave a legacy of love. Tune in for a conversation that will inspire you to embrace the messy, beautiful work of parenting with courage and heart.
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Episode Highlights:
- Secure attachments are fostered through emotional attunement, consistency, and repair in the parent-child relationship.
- Parents should “light up” their children by showing visible delight and enthusiasm when interacting with them.
- Listening attentively and validating children’s emotions cultivates a sense of security and trust.
- Show up for both tender and triumphant moments in your child’s life, emphasizing consistent presence.
- Making up after conflicts or misunderstandings demonstrates accountability and teaches children the value of repair in relationships.
Resources Mentioned:
Follow Eli on Instagram
Grab a copy of Raising Securely Attached Kids: Using Connection-Focused Parenting to Create Confidence, Empathy, and Resilience
Eli’s website
Catch this episode on YouTube!
Unable to listen or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!
0:00:03 – (Wendy): Hello, families. Welcome back to a new episode. I am so happy to be here today with Eli Harwood. Welcome to the show, Eli.
0:00:11 – (Eli): Thank you so much. It’s so good to be here.
0:00:14 – (Wendy): Oh, I’m so excited to record this episode. I love all of our guests, of course, but, Eli, you are on the top of my list of people that I’m excited to interview. I have just been in admiration of your body of work for. For years and years. And I’m just so excited to dig into today on the topic of securely attached parenting. And you’re going to talk to us about four ways we can really up our securely attached parenting game.
0:00:44 – (Wendy): But I’m just excited to get to know you. So before we head into the conversation, will you tell us your story? How you got to where you are today, how you know, you got into your. Your career, how many kids you have, all that good stuff.
0:00:57 – (Eli): Just start us off the highlight reel. You know, highlight. I’m such a. I’m such a complex person in terms of, like, how I think and how I. That whenever people ask this question, I’m like, oh, there’s so many, but what do I share? Which pieces? So I’ll do my best. I would say it’s important to know about me that I grew up in a family where I was loved, but where I didn’t have the experience of security.
0:01:26 – (Eli): I didn’t have a mom and a dad or a mom or a dad or an. A parent who was really grounded, sturdy, steady, secure in themselves, doing well enough to give me that attachment experience of, I’m connected, I’m okay, I can be regulated and seen. And so I was a parentified child. I was a kid who had the capacity to notice something’s wrong and the instinct to try to take care of everybody else as a coping mechanism.
0:02:00 – (Eli): And through that process, you know, there was a lot of insecurity in my nervous system, in my body, and my sense of self. So when I was in my 20s, I started going to therapy because I recognized, despite being confident in a lot of different ways, when I got into close relationships, there was this deep sense of something’s gonna go wrong. And so I started, you know, working through that. And through that process, I discovered the research on attachment and how human beings are relational and how the nature of our early relationships affects kind of how we form and how we feel and how we cope.
0:02:40 – (Eli): And that was a really incredible light bulb in my life. It allowed me to grieve, it allowed me to process, and it allowed me to feel more and More secure, which made me want to be a therapist. So went and did that, and then I did that for about 15 years before I decided I was ready to start sharing this information in a more accessible way. Because therapy is not something everybody can access. And one on one, therapy is not always the right fit for someone in their journey.
0:03:13 – (Eli): And so I just thought, people need to know this stuff. So I started running my mouth on the Internet, calling myself the attachment Nerd. I didn’t want to be the attachment expert because I don’t like the way the word expert makes you feel above other people. You know, it was like, I know a lot about attachment because I’ve been nerding out on it for a long time, but I don’t know everything, and I. And. And I don’t want to ever position myself above other people. I try not to do that. So, anyway, so I started attachment Nerd.
0:03:38 – (Eli): And I’ve been running my mouth and writing books and speaking and connecting with people around the journey of how to heal from insecure attachment patterns from your family history and then give your children a secure experience that they get to inherit instead of earning. You know, I had to earn my sense of security, but we don’t want our kids to have to do that if they don’t have to.
0:04:03 – (Wendy): Dang. It’s so good the way you. The way you teach and speak, Eli, is just so awesome and easy to understand, even though in my body of work, it’s so interesting because I don’t. I don’t really teach about attachment theory. I don’t teach about secure versus insecure. I teach it in different ways. And so I think it’s going to be so fun to get to know your language versus my language these days and how they overlap.
0:04:27 – (Wendy): But it’s just. I just could hear you speak for hours. So that’s a beautiful story. Tell me about your own parenting journey. Are you a parent yourself? Yes.
0:04:35 – (Eli): Yes. So I have three children. My son is almost 10, and my daughters are almost 5, and they are twins. I like to say they were womb mates and now they’re roommates. Actually, we just moved them out of the same room. They were sharing a room, and they just sort of hit this point where they’re like, I’m ready for my own space. I’m like, great, okay. And I have two cats and one spouse and a lot of plants and a lot of earrings.
0:05:04 – (Eli): Yes. I don’t know.
0:05:06 – (Wendy): I had to bring my hat game today. I was like, because Eli Harwood has the earring game, and I Was like, everyone always says, wendy, your hat game is amazing. I’m like, well, if I’m gonna hang out with the earring game, mast gotta make sure I. I bring a strong hat to the game today. But I love earrings. I love them.
0:05:24 – (Eli): Thank you.
0:05:24 – (Wendy): I can imagine your collection. Your wall. My God. Yes.
0:05:27 – (Eli): There’s a video on my page. You can go see it. Yeah. Uhhuh. I. I was like, people wanted a tour. I was like, all right, okay. You can have an earring tour.
0:05:34 – (Wendy): I can just imagine you walking up and, like, to a vendor and being, like, testing the weight of the. Okay, let me see. Let me see. Because those big earrings, you got to have light ones, but.
0:05:44 – (Eli): Yes, you do.
0:05:45 – (Wendy): And. And so just 10 years ago is. Had you already started Attachment Nerd when you became a parent, or did you start it after you became a parent?
0:05:55 – (Eli): After I became a parent. So my twins were about 2 years old when I started attachment Nerd. So I’ve been doing it for just under three years, and. Wow. They.
0:06:06 – (Wendy): Three years.
0:06:07 – (Eli): I know. It’s wild. It’s been a wild ride.
0:06:09 – (Wendy): You’ve grown that fast?
0:06:12 – (Eli): Yeah, it’s been. Because people are hungry for this information, because there is nothing in all of life that matters more than our relationships with our kids and our sweethearts. Right? That’s the core. You know, most people don’t lie on their deathbed and think, oh, you know, why didn’t I go to that extra meeting? Or I should have hit that extra, you know, notch on whatever accomplishment you lay on your deathbed. You’re like, dude, did my people feel loved?
0:06:34 – (Eli): Did they know how much they meant to me? And so I think there’s a. A drive to do that now. You know, I don’t want to lay. I want to lay on my deathbed and go, what a ride that was. And I’m so glad y’all were with me for it, you know, like, in peace.
0:06:50 – (Wendy): So true. And so two books?
0:06:52 – (Eli): You.
0:06:53 – (Wendy): Have you written two books in three years?
0:06:55 – (Eli): Yes.
0:06:55 – (Wendy): Dang, girl. That’s amazing.
0:06:59 – (Eli): I love to write. It makes my heart feel centered, and it’s. It. It helps me. You know, I wrote. I wrote these books out of, you know, my clinical work about what I’ve been helping people do for all this time. But I also wrote them for myself because there’s something about when you’re writing a book that you really get that, like, okay, this is what I’m doing. This is what the research says. This is why it matters, and just connecting to my heart around it to keep me on track because, you know, there’s a lot of distractions in life.
0:07:26 – (Wendy): It’s so true. I got my first book deal writing my first book in the spring.
0:07:31 – (Eli): And congratulations.
0:07:33 – (Wendy): You. Thank you, Eli. But I’d love to hear that you have such inner joy for it and it was for you because it is so true. Right? When you’re an educator, coach, nerd, in this land, it. It really. So much of our work is for us too. Because when you’re a parent, it just makes it so much easier. When you’re consistently helping others, you just are consistently solidifying like, oh yeah, this is why I do it and this is why it’s important and this is why I’m capable and this is why the research says so.
0:08:06 – (Wendy): That’s so beautiful. And so your clin years when you were a therapist, were you focusing on parenting then or was it kind of everything?
0:08:15 – (Eli): I, I have. I actually still am a therapist. I don’t know. It’s funny because I talk about it. I started Attachment Nerd in, in tandem with my work. I don’t know that I’ll ever not be a therapist because it’s just a part of, you know, the, the learning again for myself. But I have always focused on attachment wounds. So as long as I’ve been a therapist, I’ve been working with people in healing those deep impurities that came from not having a parent who was responsive to their emotional needs or not having a. A place to go when they were feeling angry or overwhelmed or under to be understood.
0:08:49 – (Eli): So that work kind of translated very naturally into my process of being a parent. And then, you know, I do think there’s a difference though between when you’re not a parent and you’re helping your clients with attachment and then when you are a parent, because when you are a parent, you realize how much more complicated it is, you know, And I, I think I was always able to guide people in healing from their own attachment wounds and kind of give them the general principles. But I do think that becoming a parent, it just made me more. Even more tender hearted and compassionate for everyone doing the best they can to give their kids a secure legacy. Because it’s hard.
0:09:26 – (Eli): There’s a lot of variables.
0:09:28 – (Wendy): Oh my gosh. And it just, I just don’t, you know, and you would be the best to, to agree with this or not. But like, it feels like there is just no way to really understand.
0:09:39 – (Eli): You’Re.
0:09:40 – (Wendy): You’re in it until you’re in it right with the parenting because it, like it’s so interesting how the triggers, they just come up when you have these little mini humans that look just like you and won’t do what you want. Or, you know, it’s just so interesting. Right. But, like, it’s hard to understand what that would feel like before you have it happen to you. So, yes, I can only imagine how much it’s just magnified your work and. And helped you get even deeper with clients. So that’s beautiful.
0:10:09 – (Wendy): Well, let’s do. So let’s start with the definition of secure versus insecure definition of sorts. Right. I mean, I’m realizing that in our work, in our body of work at Fresh Start Family, we often use the word connected. But I’m really saying that’s kind of an analogy or a synonym for attachment. But I want to hear you kind of break it down. What do you define as an attachment versus in or insecure versus secure attachment?
0:10:36 – (Eli): Right. So I’m not going to go all the way into the nitty gritty because you. I’ll probably bore you all to tears. But generally, when. What the research shows is that when a caregiver has a capacity for these things, they are able to be emotionally attuned, which means they can read their child’s cues, their internal cues, their emotional cues, and stay calm while that’s happening. So I can feel you, but I don’t get sucked into what you’re feeling. I’m. I’m. I care about what you’re feeling, and I remain grounded in myself.
0:11:12 – (Eli): So having that attunement skill, having consistency, which is not perfection. There is no parent on the face of the planet who is always regulated and always responsive and always calm. That’s not a thing. But if. If you can be attuned consistently and that you have the capacity to repair when you get out of sync with your kids, you know, that might be a fight or that might be just distance or disconnection that you can come back and say, hey, kid, sorry, I was really distracted. You were trying to tell me something about that moth downstairs. What was it? You know, there’s a sense of confidence that we can always return into that synchronicity, into that dance of connection. So attachment is just a. It’s a human instinct to build close relationships in order to survive and thrive.
0:12:02 – (Eli): And we all have it. No human being is born without the instinct for attachment.
0:12:06 – (Wendy): Our.
0:12:07 – (Eli): Our sense of our attachment is very much driven by our caregivers, and so therefore, it can get disrupted. So if I am in a secure home, I’m. I feel known. I Feel understood, I feel supported, I feel connected. If I’m in an insecure home, there’s some, you know, barrier to that. And. And there are actually three different types of insecure attachment patterns that we. We categorize relationships into parent, child relationships or dynamics into.
0:12:40 – (Eli): And so those look really different. Like, one is, you know, a situation where a caregiver is sometimes the things we mentioned in secure experiences, but not at a level that registers as a pattern.
0:12:52 – (Wendy): Yeah.
0:12:53 – (Eli): And then another category is that a caregiver is unable to offer that. So they’re either intrusively anxious or they are consistently avoidant of feelings, emotions, dismisses of emotions. One of those two. But at a level that is. Is the pattern. So the child is like, there’s no reason to look for that from this person. They can’t give it to me. They’re too anxious or they’re too shut down. And then the last category is when caregivers are just so unwell, they have abusive attitudes, They’re. They have severe addiction, they’re mentally ill, and it’s untreated.
0:13:25 – (Eli): Then a child comes to be afraid of their caregiver. And we call that a disorganizing experience. It disorganizes that instinct for attachment. There’s a lot of complex data in this body of research, but in general, I’ve been really focused on teaching people about secure patterns because it’s more helpful to hear what to do than what not to do. It’s possible. What’s also amazing about this research is you may have had an insecure attachment experience growing up.
0:13:55 – (Eli): You can heal it, transform it, and your children can inherit a secure attachment. So it’s not like a, you know, a death sentence. It’s not like, oh, you had an insecure pattern, so that’s going to be what happens for you. Which is so nice to hear. Yes.
0:14:10 – (Wendy): And to remember that we are capable of changing the patterning. Right. Even into our third, fourth decades of life. And it’s. It is a high degree of difficulty. But to know that our kids, their brains are so much more plastic.
0:14:23 – (Eli): Right.
0:14:23 – (Wendy): Like, if we can interrupt the pattern. Because we have a lot of students who find us, you know, their kids are 7, 8, 9, 10, or even tweens teens, and they’re like, oh, my.
0:14:32 – (Eli): Gosh, Wendy, what have I done?
0:14:33 – (Wendy): You know, like, can I reverse this? Can I change it? And would you agree that it’s the earlier you interrupt the pattern and decide, no, my children are going to inherit a different model and really make that decision that, like, commitment to healing Yourself first. Right. It always comes first. But then giving your child another, like, so they are so resilient. Right? Like that first seven years matters, but then the, you know, as soon as you hear this message and commit to it, they, they are bendable. Right? They are changeable. Their brains can, can do this.
0:15:09 – (Eli): Yeah. I mean, if you, if you want to think of, you know, your relationship with your child is, is like a space, and you’re putting things into that space. Right. And let’s say that you didn’t know about the importance of interpreting your child’s actions with a dignified lens. Let’s say you didn’t know that. You were brought up being taught, like, don’t be such a lazy kid. And you were, you know, doing that because you thought that would help your kids not be lazy. And you’re starting to realize that that’s actually created distance between you and your child and maybe shame for your child.
0:15:40 – (Eli): So you’re like, oh, and you look into that room, in that relationship room, and you recognize, oh, I put a lot of shame in here. I put some fear in here. I put some, some distance in here. You can take all of those things out and you can clear that room by acknowledging that with yourself. Sometimes your kid’s too young to acknowledge it, but if they’re older, you can acknowledge it. Like, oh, I really wish I had a redo on your first, you know, 10 years of life, kid. I, I, I thought the right thing to do was to, like, use whatever means possible to get you to behave. And I didn’t realize that that was eroding the trust between us. And I really regret how harsh I was with you.
0:16:21 – (Eli): And slowly take those things out of the room and replace them. Right. And then learn those new patterns. And your children aren’t going to automatically, you know, hear you and go, oh, and embrace you. And, and everything’s gonna, it’s gonna take time because, you know, you’ve established a pattern, and there’s a lot of stuff in the room, and it takes time to unload a room full of things. But don’t stop.
0:16:40 – (Eli): Keep unloading it, and then keep reloading it. Right. And eventually there will be a room. You know, nobody has a room full of only good stuff. Like, there’s always gonna be, like, some candy wrappers in there. Like, it’s just going to happen.
0:16:53 – (Wendy): Yes.
0:16:53 – (Eli): But it’s about, what’s the overall theme of the room? What does it feel like when you walk into a room? Does it feel like a room of, you know, disconnection? Distrust, insecurity? Or does it feel like a room that is primarily filled with understanding, with support, with warmth, with delight? And, and so you just have to, you have to have that honest look at yourself when you go into each of, you know, and we’re different with each kid. So like, you may have a, a room full of some more positive stuff with one relationship than with another. And you got to go take a hard look at that. Why is that what happened here without blame, you know, because you didn’t want this to happen, but with honesty.
0:17:34 – (Eli): Ah, you know what, when this was going on, this is where I was, or this is a part of my trauma history that I think I really took out on this kid because I think this kid is so much like me or this kid is so much like my brother or, you know, what happened that made it hard for you to put that warmth, care, support and understanding in that room? And what do you need to remove what’s there that’s got, that’s filling up the space and making it harder for those things to fit in there?
0:18:02 – (Wendy): Yes. That’s why I love you the way you teach Eli, you. These analogies make it so easy to understand. Right. And it’s to reduce the shame component, to reduce the blame component. And just look at it from this honest lens of like, like I got a room full of. Maybe not even label it as, but just. I gotta, like, you just can’t keep packing stuff in there. You gotta remove some stuff. It’s just such an important part of the journey.
0:18:28 – (Wendy): And I love it when, when I heard you speaking about. We all have this like basic need for attachment.
0:18:37 – (Eli): We.
0:18:37 – (Wendy): We usually teach that as like belonging. Right? Like I fit in, I belong, I matter. And, and that can that like unconditional love component. Right. So our. We have a lot of students who have strong willed kids. So my journey was I got blessed with a beautiful strong willed kid. And when I look at it now that I learned more about attachment theory from the beginning. Holy smokes. Emergency C section.
0:19:05 – (Wendy): Absent birth. Just a very, very traumatic birth entrance into the world. Thank God we are both still alive, right? Oh, like really intense. And then Stella had colic for three months just like her little brother did. I’m like, God, who gets two?
0:19:23 – (Eli): Come on. I did. I got three.
0:19:26 – (Wendy): You got three.
0:19:27 – (Eli): You just made me feel better. Yep. All my kids had acid reflux. It took us a while to figure it out, but like I had three and then I had two that I would describe as just highly sensitive babies who just. Yes, RAT was Going to be there no matter what.
0:19:40 – (Wendy): Yeah. Oh, my gosh, it’s so intense. Those first three months, they just cry and you’re like, what am I doing wrong? What is wrong? Everything. Right? But so many people, you know, and then Stella came, you know, as she, she really came into the world with her beautiful, strong will. And then as she grew and grew, we started to see it more and more and thank God, got invited to a positive parenting class and, and did the 180 on our parenting when she was about three and a half.
0:20:07 – (Wendy): But that first, like two to three and a half, we were really into like, you know, you’re just trying to figure it out. And we had so many, like, messed up religious messages being taught to us that we were just like, oh, that’s the way you do it.
0:20:23 – (Eli): Fear, of course.
0:20:23 – (Wendy): And you know, that’s biblical and it’s just so heartbreaking looking back on it. But, but we changed the model, thank God, and the rest is history. Stella’s almost 17 now and it’s just.
0:20:34 – (Eli): Oh my gosh, it’s so, it’s so.
0:20:37 – (Wendy): Fun to be at the age where you get to see 13 years of this work in action. And like, you know, because, you know, as you say, like, we don’t like to position ourselves as experts. Like, we’re just, you know, I’m like, I always tell my students I’m just a little ahead of the game, right? Like, really, it’s all an experiment, right? We’re all. But every. And then you get your kids to like almost adulthood and you’re like, dang, this stuff works.
0:21:01 – (Eli): Yeah. Beautiful.
0:21:02 – (Wendy): It’s incredible. And to watch a strong willed soul that often, you know, they’re just such a beautiful, special creature, breed of breed of human, right? And to see what happens when you lean on all of this to them and empower them, like, boom. It’s just, it’s so, so good. But a lot of our students relate to my story. So we help a lot of students with strong willed kids because we know that that degree of difficulty goes up. And then I always joke that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree quite often.
0:21:33 – (Wendy): So if you’ve got a strong willed kid, most likely you or partner are strong willed. And to see the goodness in yourself and that beautiful part of you allows us to see the goodness in our kids and what a journey that is, right? And those triggers we know are so strong to unconditionally love and to really apply this stuff with those, those, you know, and so I don’t know Why I went off on a tangent on, on who, we, who’s listening?
0:22:06 – (Wendy): We, we also have, we also have a lot of families who were raised with like really toxic religious stuff. And so they are on top of, you know, healing and, and moving through. Like to have that, I feel like is an extra layer. Well, it is, my opinion is of intensity. So. Yeah, speak to that because.
0:22:28 – (Eli): Oh my gosh.
0:22:30 – (Wendy): When you have that.
0:22:31 – (Eli): Yes. Well, I mean, I’m going to use the word fundamentalism. So when, when you’re growing up in an environment where the world is being labeled in black and white terms, this means this, this means that. This means. Usually that means you’re growing up or you’re influenced by. You don’t always have to be growing up in it. But if you’re in an in community that uses religion in such strict ways, like you’re describing, then it’s usually very control focused and you cannot relate to anyone in your life with a control mindset and have a secure dynamic. It doesn’t work like that because connection is incredibly nuanced and fluid.
0:23:16 – (Eli): And if we are caught in that black and white thinking, we are missing the nuance and we’re missing the opportunities to sit in the not knowing and to sit in the, you know, messiness of it all. And that’s where secure attachment really plays out is when we enter the mess, when we go, oh, honey, you’re so sad. And I don’t quite know why or how to fix it. And we talk to our, the people in our world and we say, this is happening. And I’m not sure do. And they don’t say, well, this is what you do.
0:23:46 – (Eli): Right. They go, hey, this is what I’m noticing and what you’re feeling. There’s, I’m an awareness there. Here’s some different thoughts. How does that resonate with you? But where there’s a mutuality in the way in which information is being shared and utilized. I think that my desire not to be an expert is about trauma that I have in church worlds also because I think I’ve watched people use pulpits and positions of power recklessly.
0:24:19 – (Wendy): Yeah. Yes.
0:24:20 – (Eli): And so I never want to position myself there because I’ve just seen, I’ve just seen how bad it, how wrong it goes. And so I think, you know, that makes a lot of sense. So, so, you know, you’re, you’re wanting to give your kids a secure legacy. You’re working through maybe how you grew up and secure patterns in your family. And then you’re also working through Beliefs that you had in community. And in community, where, you know, this is what you believe. If you don’t believe it, it means these scary things. Things. It means loss of community.
0:24:48 – (Eli): Right. And so if you’re. If you’re trying to enter into more nuanced places, you lose the people that you feel most connected to in the world. And. And that. That’s a lot of. Takes a lot of guts. So. I love your community. I love them. They’re brave, brave souls.
0:25:04 – (Wendy): Oh, I love my community, too. And not everybody has that right. Like, it’s. But holy smokes, there’s a lot of people who. I think there’s probably going to be even more in 2025 that are like, like, okay, I’m ready. I’m ready to get the heck out.
0:25:19 – (Eli): Of this bizarre, like, yes.
0:25:22 – (Wendy): World of, you know, all this stuff. So. But that’s. That’s really cool to hear your thoughts and just. Yeah. To honor them. But it does. It does up the degree of difficulty even more so and just shows us that we just. The more grace and compassion we can have with ourselves, you know, on the journey, the better.
0:25:41 – (Eli): Yes, let’s. So let’s.
0:25:43 – (Wendy): Let’s go into these four ways that we can up our securely attached parenting game. And then I’m so excited because. Because I’m like, I have one little personal one this morning that I’m like, oh, I’m gonna throw at Eli. So that’s gonna be fun.
0:25:55 – (Eli): I can’t wait. I know. I love an addition.
0:25:58 – (Wendy): Okay, so first. First one. Light up. What do you mean by that? If we want to up our securely attached parenting game.
0:26:06 – (Eli): Okay, so the. One of the most powerful medicinal things we do for our children is that we express delight outwardly in a way that they can feel. So when they walk into the room, when they come home from school, when they are really proud of their drawing, we demonstrate with our voice, our face, our body, our energy that we are thankful to be in the room with them. I like to use the metaphor of the dog. You know, when you come home and your dog is, you know, a slobbering, wiggling, right. They’re like jumping up on you. You that you. You know, they’re happy you’re there.
0:26:46 – (Eli): Right? That’s what we want our kids to feel. And, you know, I do this to pretty much every kid I ever, ever met. You know, I don’t just do with my kids, but my kids know it’s there. But it’s like if I’m volunteering at the school, you know, one of those odd days that I’m able to do that. Like, I am making sure that all of those kids that I have met know that I see them. Hi, kiddo. Hey, Jonathan. Hey, Mav. Like, I’m talking to everybody and, and showing them there is at least one person in the world who finds you delightful.
0:27:16 – (Wendy): Right.
0:27:16 – (Eli): And now if you do that with your kids on repeat, there’s this inner security that happens because they’re going to go out in the world, they’re going to experience rejection, they’re probably going to experience some form of bullying, abuse somewhere in their lifetime. You want them to have a deep seated sense that they belong with you so that they can have resilience, they can bounce back from those harder things because they know they are wanted deeply in relationship to you.
0:27:41 – (Wendy): Yes. I love that. And speak to us, Eli, about how to have that, like, light up. And again, it’s very different than what we’re talking about right there.
0:27:51 – (Eli): Right.
0:27:51 – (Wendy): I love that consistency. I had a teacher once who told me, you know, make sure with your oldest, when you walk by you, you kiss them on the forehead, like, kiss them on the top of their head and just like, give them even some extra.
0:28:02 – (Eli): Right. I feel like the oldest, a lot of times in families get the, like.
0:28:05 – (Wendy): You should know better. You’re teaching these younger kids, like, Right. But we know that, like, that consciously can be something that we’re like, okay, we can, we can do that, we can try to hit that. Right?
0:28:17 – (Eli): Yes.
0:28:17 – (Wendy): But like, the ones that sometimes are hard to, to love, let’s just be like, let’s just be honest with the thoughts sometimes. I’ll call power. I call strong will kids, power kids or cactus kids. Right. Like, we know that the world needs cacti. So important. Not everyone can be an orchid. But any thoughts or tips on, like, the ones that feel like it’s harder to find, Like, I just had a private coaching session the other day and the mom was like, you know, we were talking about, she said if she wasn’t triggered and responding from like a closed place, she would want to go up and just compliment her little girl. And she’s got a lot of tension right now. Strong will little girl.
0:28:55 – (Wendy): And it was really tough for her to find that compliment. Right? The, like, you know, if you feel like you’re at odds with a kid quite often and, you know, you’re, you’re almost like stuck in seeing the flaws over the goodness. What are your tips for that? Because we know it’s important to not only find the goodness in the Calm times, but also the after the tense times. Right. So any thoughts on that?
0:29:23 – (Eli): Yeah, well, one, I would say talk to people who, you know, see your kid, you know, whether that’s grandma, grandpa, uncle, aunt, teacher, somebody, and say, hey, can you help me see how you see my kid? You know, if you’re, if you’re stuck not being able to see them, somebody else sees them, you know, who is it? Who, who do you think sees them? And hold on to some of what they’re saying. I would say be wary of projecting their current behavior into future behavior.
0:29:51 – (Eli): So just because, because a lot of times when parents are struggling with, to get in sync with kids, it’s because the, there is like a connection in their brain between what the child’s doing now and who they. I become as a grown up. So pause and be like, okay, my, my five year old is being very selfish right now because they’re five and they’re trying on selfishness and you know, like, this does not mean this is who they’re becoming. I can like pause and remember they’re five years old and then I can reroute, you know what it is I’m expecting of them.
0:30:23 – (Eli): Another thing I would say is if you are struggling to get in sync with your child, you are likely trying to get your child to get in sync with you. So flip that script and work on getting in sync with them. So if they are like, I don’t want to get dressed, and you’re like, we have to get dressed, right, you’re not likely going to have that sense of synchronicity with them because you’re at a, you’re in a power struggle. But if instead you go, go, you really don’t want to get dressed. They’re like, I really don’t want to get dressed. And honestly spend 1 minute, 30 seconds just surrendering to their perspective on what’s happening and being in sync with what it is they are feeling and what their perspective is, they’ll melt, right? And you will melt too. And then you’ll both have that kind of juicy goodness of like, we’re in something together.
0:31:16 – (Eli): And, and that might be the, the kind of play. Oh my gosh, my girls right now are into the type of like imaginative play that makes me want to gouge my eyes out, you know, where it’s like, pick up this Lego toy and you’re this and I’m that. And then you just sort of like. And my brain is just like, this is torture. It feels like a time warp.
0:31:34 – (Wendy): It always does for me. Too.
0:31:35 – (Eli): But when. But when one of my kiddos who’s neurodivergent and can really struggle with synchronicity when we’re out of sync, I’m like, do you want to go play with this or with that? And she’s. She’s never said no. She’s like, yes. And then we do that. And by the end of it, she’s like, I love you, mama. I’m like, I love you too, baby girl. Right. And it’s not what I want to do. What I want her to do is help me chop vegetables for dinner. What I want her to do is, you know, be interested in the type of play that feels natural for me. But when I pause and I enter her world, even just for a short amount of time, it goes a long ways.
0:32:09 – (Wendy): I like that. And, yeah, even the. The concept of, like, what if you switched it and tried to sync up with them? Like, I even think about in that moment when they’re, like, in resistance, remembering how, like, for someone like me, so social justice oriented, like, I really dig people who are, like, actually resistant. Like, I. I’m, like, down with people who sometimes buck up against the system. Right. Or, like, outspoken and stand up for what they believe. So, like, playing around with, like, even.
0:32:41 – (Eli): This is that skill set in my child. Yeah, that’s what they’re doing right now.
0:32:45 – (Wendy): I love how clear you are with what you want and you don’t want sometimes. And thank you for being that person in our family, because we often know our families are like yin and yangs.
0:32:55 – (Eli): Right.
0:32:55 – (Wendy): Like, not everybody. Right. And those others have different qualities that are so beautiful, often way softer. Right. Than the ones of us who are, like, a little, like, you know. Okay, so I love it. Light up. And I love the analogy of the dog, not the cat. Right. I know you’re a cat lady, and sometimes you come home and those cats are like, hello. But then sometimes the cats are like, oh, you know, vocal or whatever.
0:33:19 – (Eli): Well, I mean, we don’t need to get on a tangent about animal attachment. But I will tell you, both of my cats, we had them as kittens, and we were very, very, very affectionate and responsive with them. And they are extremely social and very easygoing cats who wait for us at the door. Who. I mean, so I don’t know. I mean, I think cats get a bad rap. They just saying, I love cats.
0:33:41 – (Wendy): I love cats so much. Okay, next one, Eli, is listen up if we want to up our securely attached parenting game, so talk to us with some tips for listening to Create that secure attachment with our kids.
0:33:55 – (Eli): Yeah. You know, think about the people in your life who truly want to hear what you have to say, who believe you have something to offer. Yes. That is a, A bonding activity. Right. So, you know, I think of the lighting up as like, you know, seeing the worthiness in our children to be delighted and to be loved. So like, and then the listening up is hearing, helping our children develop a sense of their voice because they feel heard by us, you know, and that might be feedback your child is giving about you.
0:34:30 – (Eli): That’s a harder thing to hear. Hear it. You know, my son will let me know when he feels like I’m in harsh mode Mom. He’s like, you’re being harsh mom. Harsh mom mode. There we go. So you’re being harsh mom. And like, okay, you’re not wrong. And, and I’ve helped him understand that harsh mom is usually overwhelmed mom or scared mom. And I’m so thankful that he let me in on the fact that that was coming out at him because it doesn’t belong for him. Like, that’s, those are things I can figure out with my sweetheart, with my friends, with myself, but also just listening to like how they think about the world. I mean, our kids teach us such incredible things.
0:35:08 – (Eli): I was laying down with my daughter last night, one of my daughters, we take turns who lays with who. At night we have a whole schedule. And I was tired, I was so tired. And I was like, fall asleep tired. And she said, mom, when are you going to die? And I said, you know, I don’t know, hopefully when I’m really old. And she said, I wish we didn’t have to die. And I said, I know she’s not even five. She’s so smart.
0:35:32 – (Eli): But you know, I, I sat there and I really listened and I, I opened it up even more. Like, what made you start to think about that? You know, we had a whole conversation about it and then she got sleepy and fell asleep and. But she’s, she hears or she’s learning that she’s heard and she’s learning that I’m a place where she can bring tricky, confusing, sad, overwhelming topics. And so I think, think if we’re not available to listen to our kids, they won’t talk to us. They may not talk to anyone, but they won’t be bringing the stuff to us. And we want to be a place for those sacred thoughts, questions, feelings, needs, you know?
0:36:12 – (Wendy): Oh, I love that so much. Yeah. When my daughter, I feel like she’s completely self managed at this point. Like, does it need a tuck in? Doesn’t need anything anymore.
0:36:21 – (Eli): Right.
0:36:21 – (Wendy): But I. So I feel like it was probably between like, like maybe like 12 and 15 or something. It was so funny because she would often it would be at bedtime when you are freaking so exhausted, and she would just start like the most open, you know, and sometimes it would be.
0:36:36 – (Eli): Like 45 minutes and I would just.
0:36:38 – (Wendy): Be like, oh, my gosh. But it was some of the most connecting conversations and moments that we’ve ever had. Right. So that ability to just lean into that even when it’s inconvenient, I think is so beautiful. And I love that you touched on that. Being able to listen when they call you out. Right. Because we know the standard traditional parenting model is defensiveness, denial. Right.
0:37:07 – (Eli): Like dominance. I am in charge. So what matters is what I feel, what I think and what I know. And what doesn’t matter is anything that’s not in line with that. And, and that, that to me, that’s again, that control, dominance based way of relating that we’re talking about in high control religion, that, that really, it prevents connection. There’s no way we can connect with someone who thinks that they are always right and always should be prioritized, you know?
0:37:37 – (Eli): But I think a lot of us are shedding that because that masquerades as good parenting. It masquerades as like. Well, you mean be the parent.
0:37:46 – (Wendy): Yeah.
0:37:46 – (Eli): What are you gonna be their friend? I’m not trying to be my kid’s friend, but I’m also not trying to be my kid’s master. You know, like, yes, I want my child to know I am there for them, which does mean that I have boundaries and limits and guidance, but it also means that I care about how they feel and what they see. And I mean, kids are wise. I mean, the number of times that my kids have said things that I hadn’t thought about and blow my mind.
0:38:14 – (Eli): Yeah.
0:38:15 – (Wendy): And humility is power. I’m like, still trying to figure out the. The name of my book. And it’s like I play around with just the simple title of like, powerful parenting. Because if you want to experience what true power is as a parent, when it comes to influence in your relation or influence in general with your kids, lean into humility and lead into taking responsibility. Right. Be able to see things clearly. Lean into healing. That, like, that’s what gives you true power.
0:38:43 – (Wendy): I love. There was a something I saw you say once, and it was around how relational trust gives you cooperation. Pixie dust.
0:38:53 – (Eli): Yeah.
0:38:53 – (Wendy): That’s in My book, it’s like magic, right? But that’s another way of saying power.
0:38:57 – (Eli): Right?
0:38:58 – (Wendy): Like, if we all had some magic pixie dust, and then we could just make our kids behave. But that relationship trust that someone can say to you, hey, you’re showing up right now in a way that’s, like, aggressive.
0:39:09 – (Eli): That.
0:39:09 – (Wendy): That’s kind of been one that my daughter’s been beautiful at being pointed out to me. Because there’s times when I say to her, you’re being aggressive. Right. Nowadays, not so much anymore. But, like, back in those tween early teen years, she would say, mom, you’re being aggressive.
0:39:25 – (Eli): Right.
0:39:25 – (Wendy): And it was so fun to get to a place where it was like.
0:39:29 – (Eli): Oh, okay, you’re not wrong.
0:39:31 – (Wendy): I accept that. Yeah, I do need to go for a walk right now, but I’m gonna stop talking because I see that as clarity.
0:39:40 – (Eli): Yes.
0:39:40 – (Wendy): Oh, I love it. Okay, our next point, Eli, is if we want to secure up our securely attached parenting game, we want to show up. Talk to us about showing up with our kids.
0:39:51 – (Eli): All right? I like to divide this into two. Two parts. We want to show up for their tender moments. So when they are sad, scared, feeling shame, feeling lost, feeling rejected, overwhelmed, angry. We want to be the type of people in our life that say, I’m here. I’m here for this. I’m going to be with you as you ride this emotional, you know, roller coaster or process, and I’m going to validate what you feel.
0:40:21 – (Eli): I’m going to believe that you can get through this, and I’m going to bear witness to what it is that you’re moving through, learning, experiencing. You know, I ignore my kids. Just not, like, intentionally ignore my kids, but I’m like, might be doing laundry. My kids might be like, mom. I’m like, hold on, hold on. I’m gonna, like, do whatever I need to do. But when my. When my kids are in that place where someone’s been hurt or they’re hysterical or like, we’ve entered into a realm where they’re like, I can hear there’s some form of despondency. I’m putting the laundry down, and I’m going to them.
0:40:54 – (Eli): I. I say this because I do think that people have gotten a little bit far on the extreme end in. In a lot of the connection community of, like, feeling like they have to respond to every single little thing with their child.
0:41:05 – (Wendy): Yep, true.
0:41:06 – (Eli): And that’s lacking attunement, and that’s a very anxious state as a parent. So I don’t want People to think, oh, my gosh, okay, to make my kids feel secure, I have to be constantly attentive and constantly responsive. No, you have to be able to listen to within your body, to where they’re in a tender place. And they do need you and they need you to show up. So show up for the tenderness. And then the other piece is show up for the triumph.
0:41:28 – (Eli): You know, it means a lot when we come to that school play, when we’re there for that kindergarten graduation and that high school graduation, and we, you know, go and make sure to spend the whole night at their art show or their basketball game. Like, show up for those celebratory, important moments where your kids are moving into their growth, moving into their development. You know, it’s a big deal. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen. There’s a lot of viral videos on the Internet where they’ll like, be filming, like a group of kids and they’ll say, like, showing up matters. And there’ll be a kid, like, scanning the audience for their parent. And then the moment when they see their parent, they’re like, you know, and there’s this, like, there’s this, ah, my people are with me in this important moment. And so, yeah, we’re going to show up when they’re tender, we’re going to show up when they’re trying.
0:42:18 – (Eli): Now, again, this is not a perfectionism game. Like, sometimes you’re gonna have a work trip on the day of their championship basketball game, and you cannot want, for any reason miss this trip. You know, other times you can tell your work, I’m sorry, I’m not going to be able to be on that trip. You know, do your best and, and remember that it’s about a pattern your kids will sense. Overall, do you show up for those things? Are you there for that Valentine’s Day party at their school?
0:42:42 – (Eli): You don’t have to be there every single time, but, like, try and let them know you’re trying.
0:42:47 – (Wendy): Okay? This is perfect. So I know we have one more point to make, but I’m going of slip in my question here because I.
0:42:54 – (Eli): Love, I love it.
0:42:55 – (Wendy): Like, I hate it at first, but then I love it when I come to a podcast in, like, a very tender, like, triggered, like, messy place in my own parenting journey.
0:43:04 – (Eli): Yes.
0:43:04 – (Wendy): But I’m here, right? And I always know that God’s gonna put me with someone brilliant to help me. So I just say to my husband, just, hey, have a podcast in the morning. Give, give me a little bit more time. And I’ll figure this out. Okay, so there’s this pattern that I have right now that I want to ask you about out for this show up one because secure attachment when there is unintentional, let’s say it. And we get a lot of questions around this.
0:43:30 – (Wendy): Favoring of a parent. So. Favoring of a parent. And it’s always been tricky for me to coach on and to train my coaches to coach on and I think we’re in a groove but I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this. But I do think a lot of the time it’s, it’s unintentional, right? So I’ve got this 17 year old right now who is like, like oh I love her so much and she is actively like knee deep in D1 beach volleyball scholarship pursuit and she is very close to securing something. We’re not there yet. It is the most intense season of life that I’ve ever been in as a parent. To watch your, your, I always call them my little ones, she’s older than me and quite big now.
0:44:08 – (Wendy): But to watch them move through this season of like open fist surrender but like fully believing that they’re going to secure it, right? And because she’s my beautiful, strong willed girl, she doesn’t just go for like you know, top 30 schools, she goes for like top five top 10 schools that you’re like okay, we can do this, right? But daddy has come in the last, it’s been about eight months and he is like rock star father, right? And he has shined, I mean editing emails, coach relationships. He likes like photograph photographs like a, a lot of pro athletes in the beach volleyball world. So it’s like it is their relationship is like locked in.
0:44:47 – (Wendy): I mean he will stay up till midnight helping her with emails, craft. Like he’s on it when it comes to like booking the tournaments and like, I mean he’s just rock star dad and mama now is like on this, I feel like I’m on this island and when even to the point when we go to a big tournament, Stella will talk to daddy like it’ll, it’ll just be a two way conversation as I’m sitting there and it feels like I barely get spoken to.
0:45:15 – (Wendy): And in my right brain, you know, my one side of my head I’m like, this makes sense.
0:45:19 – (Eli): Of course.
0:45:19 – (Wendy): He’s like they’re like locked in and it doesn’t matter the amount of sandwiches or protein or that I’m the one.
0:45:27 – (Eli): Who got her into beach volleyball or.
0:45:29 – (Wendy): Like you know, I’m the one who, who gets the iPad. And, And. And that’s like, blah, blah, blah. You know, you’re just in your head, you’re like, but what about me? What about me? And so the knee jerk kind of protective or probably trauma response is to withdraw and be like, that’s it. I don’t belong. And to show up in this capacity when I am the outsider is like, ew. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to push my way in.
0:45:55 – (Wendy): But it’s like, I know there’s got to be an answer here that I can keep showing up, but tolerate, not tolerate, detach from the, like, the two way conversation that I wish was like a three way conversation. Like, it’ll be like, oh, there’s. There’s coach Rock over there from Cal Poly. Let mom, dad, let’s go. Let’s go say hi. Instead it’s like, dad, coach, Coach Rock’s over there. Right? So, like, what are your tips for this? Because I.
0:46:24 – (Wendy): I want to, with all my heart, keep showing up, up, because I know at the. At the core of her being when she looks over and sees mama there too. Yeah, it matters, but it doesn’t feel like that right now.
0:46:37 – (Eli): You don’t. Well, okay, so let me say a couple of things. We need an hour for this, but we’ll try and do this quickly. I think this is especially tricky for mamas because we live in a world that says you should always be central. You should always be that. That preferred primary attachment figure. But in healthy systems where there is more than one caregiver, you will see a shifting and an exchanging of that role in different scenarios and over time.
0:47:09 – (Eli): And so right now, what you have is your husband and your daughter have found a very profound place for synchronicity.
0:47:18 – (Wendy): Yes.
0:47:19 – (Eli): And you’re having. But. And my guess is that that wasn’t always true, that you and her had more of a synchronicity at different points. And he was on the outside, right?
0:47:29 – (Wendy): Yes. Especially when it comes to conflict resolution, relationship repair. Like tenderness. Yeah, Tenderness. Yeah.
0:47:37 – (Eli): You were mama and he was dad.
0:47:40 – (Wendy): Yeah.
0:47:41 – (Eli): And so now it’s like, oh, this is so one. I would say, love your part. Use this as an act of love for your part, partner.
0:47:49 – (Wendy): Yes.
0:47:49 – (Eli): Let him enjoy this moment of being the central figure and. And celebrate it. And celebrate him in that. And celebrate the parts of it that are kind of awesome. Like, there’s a. There’s a part of it. It’s like you aren’t having to be holding all of this mental load over all this stuff, which I’m guessing you did when you were. When she was younger. So, you know, it’s like, what is it that you love about volleyball, about going to these games? What can you do to take care of yourself in that moment that honors that? You’ve worked very hard to get here.
0:48:23 – (Eli): You’ve actually done work that allows this to be happening.
0:48:27 – (Wendy): Yes.
0:48:28 – (Eli): And then this is the deeper dive. What part of your story separate from her gets activated? Like, is non belonging or feeling unseen a part of your growing up? Yes, Eli, yes.
0:48:47 – (Wendy): So just cry about that and go for nature hike where, like, that all gets put on the table.
0:48:52 – (Eli): Yes. Take. Take care of that little girl inside of you. Picture that part of you, how old you feel when these feelings come up. Because I don’t think you feel like your mama’s self, you know? So it’s like, how old am I? Oh, I’m six or seven. Or maybe I’m. I’m preverbal. I don’t know. How old am I? Imagine that younger self, wrap her up in a blanket, bring her close to you and mama her because she is wanting you.
0:49:18 – (Eli): And you say, oh, that was so sad and so scary when you felt so alone. That was awful. Right? And let yourself release the pain of that in order to integrate that part of you into this adult you. Because I love that you’re great, your kid is great, your husband’s doing great.
0:49:38 – (Wendy): It’s true.
0:49:39 – (Eli): Like, sit back, relax, and enjoy the volleyball is what I would say as a. As a volleyball player, someone who loves volleyball. So, like, man, I love watching volleyball.
0:49:48 – (Wendy): You know, it’s the best. And it’s perfect because in the end, you just. You just gotta go. Like, the biggest takeaways. Because I know so much of this is subconscious.
0:49:58 – (Eli): Right.
0:49:59 – (Wendy): Or, you know, on a level that’s lower than my awareness. But that obviously just hit me just perfectly in the spot my heart needed to hear it of. Just go tend to that younger self.
0:50:12 – (Eli): It’s a body memory. You’re having a body memory. And. And the thing about body memories is they don’t always activate accurately. So, okay, let me give you an example. So let’s say you at some point went to the forest and ate some red berries. And those red berries turned out to be poisonous, and you had diarrhea and vomiting, and you were very, very sick for a long time, okay? So then years later, you’re out in the forest and you see a red berry.
0:50:41 – (Eli): Your body, regardless of the fact that this other berry is much smaller and isn’t poisonous and is sweet and nutritious. Your body is still going to flood you with nausea when you see that red berry because it has filed away red berry as something that could potentially harm you. Okay? When you were a child and you felt left out, that was poisonous. Because children need to feel seen and wanted and included as a part of their development process.
0:51:12 – (Eli): But what’s happening right now is not you being left out. It is not you being a child without a way to belong, without a purpose. It is one singular component going on. And again, it’s a result of the secure family you’ve created for your daughter. So you get to just.
0:51:33 – (Wendy): Right.
0:51:33 – (Eli): Because eat the bear.
0:51:34 – (Wendy): You will look for it. You will look for why it means you don’t belong. And I. I felt myself trying to freaking prove it. I’m like. I’m like, terry, this. That you know, and it’s like, I. I can sense it. I’m trying to prove it. So just. And when it comes to behavior, because I know a lot of my students would say, but, Wendy, it is. It is happening, right? When you say, oh, it’s not actually happening. It’s not that you don’t belong.
0:51:59 – (Eli): It’s little B non belonging. It’s not big B non belonging. And so, like, great, great qualification right now. My husband is a saint and he’s playing video games with my son because my son’s so into video games and I have zero interest, you know, And I’m. But. And they’re bonding over it and there’s. That’s beautiful. And I am not bonding with my son over video games. I don’t know that I ever will. Maybe he’ll need me to, and I’ll try.
0:52:27 – (Eli): But my son and I, we bond over reading books. We’re reading Percy Jackson right now. It’s so good. I’m so into it. We bond over food. He’s a foodie. We go and we eat at fancy restaurants together. Like, we have many other places of bonding. And so I think what I’d say to you is think about the places of bonding you have with your daughter and. And allow your husband and her to have this specific place of bonding and recognize it’s little be non belonging. It’s not big B non belonging.
0:52:55 – (Eli): I didn’t stop mattering to my son because I don’t play have that same shared thing. Right? And when. And you know, it really has started to shift where it’s like, I’ll be coming home and he’ll be like, oh, I thought dad was going to pick Me up.
0:53:07 – (Wendy): Right.
0:53:08 – (Eli): That’s because he wants to talk about video games. Games, like, great, but. But I. I don’t have to take that personally. It’s not personal. And it. And it is not a product where I’m belonging. So I think, just remember, you will never not belong with your daughter. Your daughter will always have belonged to you. Even if she cut you off, even if she was estranged from you for some terrible situation that happened between you or something, she would always be aware that you’re her mother. Like you. You ha. You don’t need to worry about that belonging. So you get to just sit back, relax, enjoy San Diego, eat some.
0:53:45 – (Eli): Eat some of the delicious snacks you bring, read a book during the break times when they’re off socializing and it’s somebody else’s team playing, you know. Oh, I love free reading time when that happens. Thank you for sharing that with us. Yeah.
0:53:58 – (Wendy): And that little b. That little B tip is great because a lot of times I’ll feel very logical when it. When I say, oh, don’t take it personally, just detach from it, you know, and it’s like, remember, there’s accuracy that there’s a little B being hit because it’s. It’s factual. Right. Like, I don’t stay up till midnight doing the emails. I don’t know all the rules. Right.
0:54:18 – (Eli): Like, nor do you want to learn.
0:54:21 – (Wendy): Right.
0:54:22 – (Eli): It’s true. And that’s so trust that it’s okay. Let them have this. Let them have this.
0:54:28 – (Wendy): My God, I am so grateful right now. I knew it. I knew God would give me the perfect helper today. And now my heart already feels better. Better. Okay, last one. We’re gonna hit in, like, the quickest time because I know we are at time. Is the makeup. Be willing to do the makeup. Why does that up our securely attached parenting game?
0:54:46 – (Eli): Well, for multiple reasons. One, you know, when we don’t. When we don’t repair with our children, when things are off course, it, you know, we get more and more distant over time. And. And we can’t rely on someone that isn’t willing to say, I’m sorry for my part, or, let’s come back together. You know, I think I always say, make up when you mess up and you will mess up. And that is also an important template for our children because it shows them that messing up is part of life and part of being human and that apologizing and repairing is not a shameful loss of dominance.
0:55:18 – (Eli): It’s a beautiful opportunity to grow closer and learn more about each other. So you know, light up, listen up, show up and makeup when you don’t do those first three things because life happens.
0:55:30 – (Wendy): Yes. And after now 14 years of that one especially the makeup part is like what I feel like has almost done the most strengthening in my relationship with my kids. It’s wild how much, how much that does to create that safety that we mentioned earlier with the fairy death dust, the cooperation, pixie dust to build the relational trust and then to see your kids go out and mimic that behavior is so cool, right? Like people all want to know, how do you teach your kids to take responsibility for their mistakes and apologize on their own without being forced?
0:56:10 – (Wendy): You show them, right? So much of it. Yeah. Show them all that, all that stuff. Taught, not taught. Oh my gosh. Eli, I knew this interview was going to be so amazing, but what an absolute honor to talk to you for the last hour. Please, you know, tell listeners where they can come find you. Where can they get the book? We’ll make sure we put a link on our. We have a big shop page on our website, but tell everyone where they can they come find you if they’d love to learn more with you.
0:56:37 – (Eli): Okay. So you can find me running my mouse for free at Attachment Nerd is my handle on Instagram, Facebook, Tick tock. And if you are interested in like more further like programming and all of that kind of stuff, you can go to attachmentnerd.com and you can find my books anywhere you buy books. So Raising Securely Attached Kids is my parenting book. It’s on audiobook. You can buy the ebook, paperback and then I also have a guided journal that is about helping you process what happened when you were growing up and how that’s affected the way that you relate when you are tender and when you are needing things. So it’s more of a grown up book for grown up relationships.
0:57:16 – (Eli): It says it’s about romantic relationships, which it kind of is. It kind of isn’t. But anyway, it’s really just about how do you develop and heal through some of that insecure stuff and become more secure? So you can find both of those wherever you buy books.
0:57:31 – (Wendy): So amazing. All right, listeners, viewers, make sure you go check out Eli in all the places. Thanks again for being here today, Eli.
0:57:38 – (Eli): So good to be with.
