Last week, on a Thursday afternoon, in our sleepy little town of Encinitas, California, a 1/2 mile from the beach, 2 young men in their twenties tried to kidnap a 15 year old girl while she was waxing her surfboard in her driveway. Thank God, she put up one hell of a fight and got away, running into her home and calling the police. The authorities caught both suspects the following day, but……

SERIOUSLY families……WTF????

Of course, we all say to ourselves, these two men were outsiders, not from our town, some weird fluke, will never happen again. We try to dismiss it in our heads almost like a shark attack here in San Diego (where sharks DON’T usually attack, but have been lately!). It’ll never happen again, no way, not to us!

But….what if? How would your child react if a crazy, evil, demented person tried to hurt them?

It’s a fear that is tucked deep down inside of all of us, but most of us don’t love to discuss. However, it is SO important to think about.

My first instinct after this crazy attempted kidnapping event happened was to book my 6 & 9 year old into a “self-defense / stranger danger” one day seminar where they’d learn specific strategies and physical methods of getting out of a dangerous situation. A local company called “Play it Safe Defense” puts on great one day seminars. If you haven’t checked them out, click here & use the code PSD20 for a 20% discount off registration.

Check, done, registered for the August 19h class, but then I thought, “Ok, what else can I do or are we doing to empower our kids and keep them safe?”.

I remembered the story that my favorite parenting expert and amazing mentor friend Susie Walton from Indigo Village tells from the time when she served on a guest expert speaking panel with the father of Elizabeth Smart. Do you remember that story in the news from about a decade ago? Elizabeth was kidnapped from her bedroom in the middle of the night & held captive for 9 months until the police could find and save her. She went on to write a book about that horrible experience and now travels the world educating and empowering young girls to overcome tragedy and avoid dangerous situations.

Susie Walton shares how Elizabeth’s Dad speaks about how they were mortified to realize they had made a horrible mistake as parents….they had trained their children to never question authority (adults, elders, etc.) and that NO was unacceptable when told to do something by an adult. He tearfully tells the story of Elizabeth’s kidnapping and how he would have done anything to go back in time and teach her a much different way.

You see parents, this lesson is KEY for us all to remember when we’re planning how we’ll teach and discipline our kids. These positive parenting lessons are crucial to empowering our kids to be strong, resilient, brave, smart and powerful, while always trusting their gut and protecting themselves:

1.) Teach your kids that NO is a completely healthy and important word to use and be comfortable saying.

Instead of saying “Don’t say NO to me!” or putting soap in their mouth when they talk back to you, try this verbiage instead…”I can see that you don’t want to do it”, then move on to add “We’re still going to need to get it done, so let’s talk about we’ll make it work.” Or “It’s ok that you don’t want to go, however, we still need to leave the house, so do you want to pick the music in the car or let me play my fave station?”. This teaches your kids that NO is not a curse word and SHOULD be practiced. Teaching kids to say “No thank you” and “No, I’d like to ________” can help them communicate in a more respectful appropriate way, while still understanding that NO is ok to say. This doesn’t mean they always get their way, it just means they don’t get into trouble for saying no. When they really need to say it out in the world…to a class bully, or stranger, or out of line sports coach, they have practice and are much more likely to be confident in their delivery.

2.) Be honest with your kids about the dangers of the world.

Yes this is scary & yes, some kids will experience fear of some things (my 6 year old has big fears about natural disasters right now and it is heartbreaking). But this is massively important and essential in order to educate and empower your kids! One of my favorite life coaching teachers, Dan Silvis of dsivils.com once taught me a lesson that profoundly affected me and my parenting. During an incredible weekend self-growth YIL workshop entitled “Freedom to Be“, he helped me to realize that one of my biggest jobs as a parent would be to teach my daughter (who we were discussing in regards to our relationship) how to be scared! Wait, what? He clarified that we will all experience fear in our life and if no one ever teaches us HOW to be scared, it can be a debilitating emotion that wreaks havoc in our life (which it kind of was in my own life at that time). No one had ever taught me HOW to be scared…it was just something I had to figure out on my own. I loved this concept and went home that week to help my daughter learn that she wasn’t alone and also what her options were when she felt that heavy, strong emotion of fear.

So share with your kids what can happen if they get caught in a rip current, or a stranger tries to take them, or they play with fire, then teach them how they would get themselves out of the scary, dangerous situation and have them PRACTICE. The role-play and practice portion of this is crucial, because just being told how to do something as a kid is way different than actually having to do it.

4.) Empower your kids!

We all want our kids to feel strong and capable as they move through life. Here’s a few ways to empower them so you’re always building them up while also teaching them to be respectful and other important life lessons.

a. Choices: Offer them choices throughout the day. Choices engage critical thinking skills in our kids’ brains and help them to understand from an early age that life is mostly a result of the choices we each make every minute of every day. Even though sometimes it sure seems like it would be nice, I know none of us want our kids to be robots! Engaging their critical thinking skills makes them strong thinkers and action takers on the spot, even when it is a “fight or flight” situation.

b. Jobs: Give them household jobs that help them feel like they are a valuable and important part of the family. Little kids love big names like “CEO of the dog”, or “President of the Dishes”. Jobs remind our children that they are capable of contributing to our family (and society) in an important way and make them feel intelligent and strong.

*The young teenage girl who fought off the attackers was from a local well known family who’s 3 children are incredibly talented and had been working since a very young age; one as a professional spear fisher, another as a budding competitive/sponsored surfer, and the girl herself as the youngest certified yoga teacher in America (since the age of 13). This family definitely empowered their kids to feel strong and capable in many ways, but one of them by actually allowing them to work in the community.

c. Let them Fail:

It is SO important to let them fail, then get up and persevere. Don’t take them their lunch if they’ve forgotten it, avoid always catching them when they trip from the curb, and sometimes let the dog eat their cookie when they hold it too low. Keeping quiet and letting kids experience Natural Consequences (with out the “I told you so!” comments) teaches them how strong and resilient they are, even when life is scary, challenging, disappointing or overwhelming.

d. Relax & Stop Doing Everything for Them:

Allow them to do things themselves (even though they’re sometimes slow & often messy!) and coach them through a task when they are challenged, frustrated or not confident they can succeed. This helps them to feel capable and experience success on their own. When they complete a task, try using ENCOURAGEMENT by saying “Look at that, you did it!” or “Congratulations” instead of using PRAISE with statements like “Good job” or “What a big boy”. Encouragement focuses on acknowledgment and future motivation while Praise focuses on judgement (whether or not you think they did great).  Encouragement helps your kids feel capable and proud of themselves which are life skills they definitely need to be safe in a dangerous world.

Try those out parents and hug those kiddos extra tight tonight.

Let’s all continue to build them up as we parent them so they can head in to the world each day feeling strong, bold, courageous and capable of facing all of life’s up’s and down’s….even if something really scary gets thrown in their path.

With Joy, 

Wendy Snyder