On this episode of The Fresh Start Family Show, Wendy is joined by returning guest Hunter Clarke-Fields, who is a best-selling author, mindfulness instructor and host of the Mindful Mama Mentor Podcast.
They chat about ways we as parents can be less busy and more present in our lives.
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Episode Highlights:
- In the US in particular, parents have a lot less support with child care, which naturally leads to more business and stress.
- Busy is a choice – we can choose to do less
- Allow for a “Sabbath” day where we don’t overschedule ourselves
- When our kids are small, choose to do one sport / activity at a time (or let them get rides when they’re older)
- Don’t multitask – mindfulness helps bring us into the present and allows us to feel less distracted and overwhelmed
- Plan intentional down time into your schedule
- Remind yourself: There’s MORE than enough time for everything important
- It’s so important to have compassion for ourselves and leave out the judgment
Resources Mentioned:
Follow Hunter on Instagram
Grab Hunter’s New Book: Raising Good Humans Every Day: 50 Simple Ways to Press Pause, Stay Present, and Connect with Your Kids
Her Best Selling 1st Book: Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids
Hunter on The FSF Show Ep. 131 The Importance of Curiosity as Parents
Wendy on Hunter’s Mindful Mama Mentor Podcast about Compassionate Discipline
Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!
Wendy:
Hello, hello, and welcome back listeners. I’m so happy you’re here. I’m your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And today on the show we have our friend Hunter Clark-Fields from Mindful Mama Mentor back on the show. Hunter has been on our show before, back on episode 1 31, where we talked about the importance of curiosity as parents. And today we’re actually gonna be talking about five Ways, Parents, Can, Be, Less, Busy, Prioritize Self Care, and Raise Kind Confident and Conscientious Kids. And this was just such a beautiful conversation. Hunter actually has a new book releasing very soon called Raising Good Humans Every Day.
And when I learned about this new book coming out, I knew I wanted to have Hunter on the show because I just adore her. I love her work. I love her voice. When I hang out with Hunter, I just feel like my soul settles a little bit. And I. Feel like this conversation just came at the perfect time for me. When we recorded this episode. I was knee deep in a passport issue with my family trying to get passports for my children to go to Mexico, celebrate their beautiful grandmother’s 80th birthday, and we didn’t have the passports. And I was just so stressed when I got on to record with Hunter.
And the things we talked about in this episode were really meaningful to me. And so I know that you’re gonna really enjoy them. If you feel like someone who you know, you struggle with, that feeling of just motherhood, fatherhood Parenthood, just feeling so busy all the time, like there’s not enough time to take care of yourself. There’s a million things on your list to do every day. And how do you actually practice mindfulness in the midst of all that, right? I think I know that I’m not alone when you know, I look at how my mind seems to go just to be. My mind just seems to be all over the place sometimes And I know, personally, I’m on a journey to become more mindful every year that goes by in my life because it’s important to me.
And so I’m really just really a huge fan of Hunter’s work and who she is and what she teaches. And I just really adore her. So I know you guys are gonna enjoy this episode. Make sure that you go pre-order Hunter’s book. Pre-ordering you guys really helps authors at the time of the release of this episode. Her book is gonna be out actually in your hands in the mail in just a few weeks. We’ve made sure that we’ve included links so you can easily grab her book and pre-order it now, so it’ll actually be in your hands as soon as it releases. But support her if you can. It’s the as as I as you’ll hear me talk about in this episode. It’s a teeny, tiny little book. It’s very easy to read.
It’s not one of those overwhelming books. You can throw it in your bag. You can do one quick little teeny tiny chapter every day, And, I. Just think this book is gonna be really meaningful to a lot, a lot of families. So enjoy that. Go make sure you go support Hunter. Enjoy this episode. And I should mention also that we have a very exciting week coming up next week, you guys. It is our summer refresh, our annual five day challenge that we do every summer, just to help families really reset and get back to that place where they feel empowered to parent with connection and firm kindness and confidence.
And we know that summer can be beautiful and it can also feel like just chaos sometimes when the kids are around more than they usually are. And it can just feel really overwhelming for parents. And so we have created this brand new five Day Challenge to really come in and just support you. We’re gonna be studying the five root causes of misbehavior so you can really understand when your kids do have misbehavior, and they will, since you are raising human souls when they do have misbehavior, to look at it from an educated, empowered standpoint, instead of just putting a bandaid on it and doing another timeout or threatening another spanking, or you know, threatening to take away their iPad if they don’t listen or operating from a frustrated, annoyed, irritated standpoint.
We really want you to understand what is the reason why your kids are misbehaving, what is the root cause, and will help you understand that. So from that place, you can then move to actually acting and speaking to your kids in a way where they’re going to respond and cooperate a whole heck of a lot easier. Then continuing to go down that path of trying the hand-me-down parenting tactics that are not only exhausting you, but they’re not freaking working to make your kids cooperate easier, right? So we’re gonna help you understand the root causes of misbehavior. Will will teach you all about the four categories of misbehavior, what to do when you realize that your child’s in each one of them.
And it’s just gonna be a really, really great week you guys. So head on over to freshstartfamilyonline.com/refresh to join us for this. You do not have to be there. Live these very short, impactful video lessons and also comes with a written lesson every day. They’re delivered right to your email inbox. So every morning all you need is about 15 minutes to either listen to or watch the video lesson of the day. Again, you don’t need to see me. All you need to do is be able to listen to the lesson of the day. And if you can’t even listen during the week, but you wanna binge all five of ’em at the end of the week, just make sure you get registered because it’s going to be a really life-changing week and free resource for you guys.
All right? So again, freshstartfamilyonline.com/refresh and we will get started on July 17th. This is a live five day challenge where again, I’m gonna be doing free lessons every day. I’m gonna be doing free coaching every day inside of the private group. We’re gonna be answering questions, we’re gonna be really helping you with your unique challenges. So this is a wonderful way to get access to me and work with me and do it in a way where you get to try that out for free. All right, you guys, well, without further ado, help me welcome Hunter to the show and enjoy this episode.
Stella:
Well, hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus, and rock and roll, and believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together we hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.
Wendy:
Well, hey there families and welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show. I am here with our friend Hunter Clark-Fields, and we are going to be talking about five Ways Parents Can Be Less Busy Prioritize Self Care, and Raise Kind Confident and Conscientious Kids. Welcome to the show again, Hunter!
Hunter:
Thank you. I’m so happy to be back. Thanks for having me. Wendy. Yeah. Oh my God, it’s so funny to hear you pronounce conscientious. It’s, that’s a hard one. But like I had, I recorded, I was working on recording the audiobook for raising good humans every day yesterday. And do you know how hard it is to say circularly in a sentence? It is. I said circularly like five times. It was ridiculous.
Wendy:
Wow. Oh my goodness. Yeah, some of those words, right? They hang you up and you just have to laugh at yourself. But that is an important word. So I’m, I’m happy that we broke through the uncomfortableness of saying it cuz we, I can’t wait to discuss it with you today. And listeners, this is Hunter’s second time on our show. We love your work so much. Hunter. Hunter came on episode 131 where we talked about the importance of having curiosity as parents. So make sure you check that episode out in addition to today’s conversation if you love Hunter as much as we do. But today we are gonna dive into the subject matter. But first, let’s talk about the excitement of your new book, Hunter.
How exciting. I actually have a copy in my hand that your team got me ahead of time so I could review before your August release into the world. And it’s beautiful, Hunter, congratulations. this is, this is gonna be really big for parents. Tell us about it.
Hunter:
Thank you. Thank you. It’s so nice. It’s like having another baby. I feel like I have four children now. Two are walking around the earth and two are going to be carried around by people’s hands. But yeah, no, I’m so excited about this book because I get to like, got to expand into all these areas that I wasn’t able to in raising good humans. And I got to do it in this format, like as you see in this like little format with 50 short chapters. Cuz I know how hard it is for parents to like, like I, I, I’m a po podcaster, I get people’s books. I get these like 300 plus volume tones And. I’m like, how is a parent gonna read this?
So I was here to like, these are like three to four page chapters and like, what I’m hoping to do is really distill information from a lot of different places, a lot of sources about, you know, neuroscience, about research on kids and playing and development and all these different things and like bring it into like a really bite-sized accessible way and bring tools that really, really helped me and people I work with. So I’m, I’m super excited about it.
Wendy:
It’s absolutely beautiful. I love the size. This is something that is so easy to throw in a bag. Like even I carry a pretty small bag these days. And I could even stuff this in to get me off of my freaking device when I’m waiting in line for my coveted coffee or whatever for to pick up the, for the groceries to, to come out right as you’re waiting. Like this is so cool that you could just easily just get a little hit of en encouragement and even squeeze in a little bit of mindfulness and meditation, which we’re gonna talk about so much today. But the size and the way you’ve organized it is a big deal. So that’s awesome that you thought through that because you’re right, I get the same thing sometimes authors will send me stuff And, I’m like, oh my gosh, they’ll hit me up like two months later, And.
I’m like, oh my gosh, I haven’t touched it. Because it, it does seem overwhelming and this is absolutely not some of my latest favorite devotionals from Kate Bowler and Sarah Bessie I’ve loved because they are similarly organized where they’re very, very short and it is very important for I think parents these days because there’s so many opportunities to pick up something that you’re hoping is gonna encourage you and then end up feeling like a failure. Like it’s wild how many opportunities there are to, to feel like that. And this prevents that.
Hunter:
Yeah. Yeah. I want people to be able to like read four pages, get something really juicy that they can en you know, use with their kids and their family right away and engage with it like that week and do that thing and then it But it. But it’s not a big deal. It’s not like you have to like, you know, you’re, you’re dedicated to a long class or anything. It’s just like a short bit of in inspiration. So yeah, I’m very excited.
Wendy:
And I love that. The foreword is by Dr. Shefali. How crazy is that when she said yes, where you like, oh that’s exciting!
Hunter:
Oh, I was so thrilled that Shefali wrote the forward and it was so, it’s so like, it’s like amazing to like read these, you know, I had, so I had to read it out loud yesterday for the audiobook. And I was like, oh my gosh, it was so nice that she likes, you know, she appreciates his work in this way and it was so exciting to sort of see that. Yeah, I mean cuz I feel like our work is so in alignment. So it was just such an honor, you know, her work has been such an inspiration to me. So yeah, a huge honor to have her write the forward.
Wendy:
Amazing And I. Do love your dedication at the beginning you say, I dedicate this book to my parents, grandparents, ancestors and future generations. May we continue to evolve our understanding and compassion for what it means to be human. I love setting the tone for it like that because it is such an honor as we are in this work and it is such a way to honor past generations and future generations. And I know there’s a lot of thoughts and hangups within that, right? And so just to, to just really set that intention of like, this is honoring everyone as we figure out how to be human together is just really beautiful, Hunter.
Hunter:
Oh, Thank you. Thank you. I mean, yeah, I mean cuz I tell stories about my, you know, I mentioned my grandpa, but he’s in a chapter title and my, my father and my mother And I want that forward there to, for them to know like, this is about honoring the complexity of this journey. this is not, you know what I mean? this is, you know, yeah. We are all like building our, you know, evolving our understanding and that’s really, really important to, to know.
Wendy:
It is, yeah. It’s not, it’s not coming down on anyone, it’s just learning from what we’ve experienced. Right. My dad said to me once, he said he’s got this deep southern draw, he’s from North Carolina and he says, Wendy, oh, you ever gonna write a book? And I’m like, you know what dad? I would love to yes. The answer is yes one day. And he goes, can you please just do it after I die? I’m like, dad, he thinks I’m just gonna rip into him. I’m like, daddy, no, no we don’t. He’s worried. Yeah, it’s not like that. My dad is like so old school, he can barely use a cell phone. And so I know he does not listen to any podcast and on one hand it’s like kind of nice cuz I can just be like, Hey, this is what happened.
This is how I felt when I kid when I was a kid. Sometimes it sucked, sometimes it didn’t. And never have to worry about my parents because they’re just so not in my work at all. They just have like really no clue. But that was sad. I’m like, dad, that is not what we’re doing here. But I know a lot of parents have hangups, right? When they learn these new ways that they think they’re dishonoring past generations and it’s really, it’s just not true. We are honoring them. Like I always say, all past generations would want that for future generations to learn and grow and evolve and be able to spread more peace and joy and connection in the world. So even if they, you know, show up with like resistance towards it, I know that all past generations do want that for their children.
So That’s awesome. Hunter, just in case anyone hasn’t listened to And, I, you know, read your bio in the beginning too, but just will you give, if parents haven’t listened to the first episode we did with you, tell ’em just a brief little bit about yourself and why you love doing what you do and who you help.
Hunter:
Sure, sure. So I do what I do because I was bad at parenting, basically. Like I’m not naturally good at it. And I understand what it’s like to be, I, I came at this work because ultimately because my, when my daughter was two, this is like enormous temper came outta me. Like a rage that I just didn’t know I had And I and you know, we could see it was a generational pattern. I could see I was scared my daughter by yelling at her and, and not just one time, you know, it was just like this, I was like, this is a problem, you know, that I, it was really debilitating me. So I really had to like really dove into understanding it.
I’ve, I’ve been taking courses and certifications and all these different things, you know, but what I really started to see is that as I was trying to understand, I was learning from some great, you know, parenting coaches and things like that. And what I started to see was that they had a lot of really great advice about what to say, how to respond that I could not implement when I was losing it because of my stress response. And I started to understand the science of my stress response. And I went dove back into mindfulness, which had been something that I had learned about and had helped equalize me just a few years before having my child and realized that all this, this world of this work that we do in mindfulness to steady our nervous system, to give us the space to be able to pause and choose how we want to respond like this all had to come into conversation with the parenting world because all the information I was learning was as good as useless unless I could implement it unless I could calm my reactivity and get my whole brain on board.
So that was, this was this essential piece of the conversation that I wanted to contribute to And I did that through creating mindful parenting first and then, you know, into the Raising Good Humans and now Raising Good Humans Every Day. So, so good. That’s it in a nutshell. That’s a real nutshell of that. Yeah.
Wendy:
Teeny tiny little nutshell to represent like probably decades of dedication and work. Oh, I love that. And I love how we share similar stories, right? Like we found Yeah, And I think our girls are similar ages, right? Like isn’t yours about 16?
Hunter:
Yeah, my oldest is 16 now.
Wendy:
Yeah, mine too. Well she’s, she’ll be 16 in November and it’s just such a joy, right? Like man, thank God, thank God, but we’ve been in this work the same amount of time. It sounds like, and we were just like shocked into it.
Hunter:
And one of the things that was, I was so like scared of was like, oh, I could see that I was like kind of damaging our relationship. And I was like, oh my God. Like the teen years were something I specifically had in mind where I was like, I don’t want my kids to hate me when they’re teenagers. Like that doesn’t have to happen. I believe that doesn’t have to happen. And now I have good relationships with my daughters as teens. Like we hang out, they’re cool people. I love parenting teenagers, I don’t know And, I, And, I, you know, I don’t know what it is, but I really think that like having, they don’t have all the stuff to push against that I had and you had, you know, like yeah the, you know, it was about relationship when we were younger and all that work in the, in the front end paid off as things get easier and easier.
Not that things get easier and easier in general. Like there are some big challenges with teenagers, like not as constant, but they’re bigger. But yeah, the parenting piece, the, you know, is easier and easier as time goes on.
Wendy:
It really is, right? As long as you’re invested in this work and you find the joy and the journey of just staying present in it, right? Like that was, I always just tell people it’s never too late and it is wild to be able to speak to that now, right? Both you and I where we’re at, where we’re like, holy smokes. Like, it, it sounds so silly, but I do feel like I pinch myself every day that this is our reality, right? Like it doesn’t matter what challenge comes our way. And like you said, there are some big challenges that have happened and Stella’s like 15th year alone and it has just been an absolute honor and it’s just so fun to have these many humans that you’re like, oh my gosh, we’re on the same page.
And to see that how equipped they are, right? Like of course they have the, the normal challenges, but they have so many more tools and the ability and the emotional literacy and all the stuff, right? Like in addition to the relationship and the problem solving and the compassionate discipline that we do together, like when they’re out in the world alone, they have this like full toolkit and it is just, it is just wild to really see the results. Cuz I’m, I’m sure maybe you were like me, whereas 10 years ago, you know, we’re still in the thick of it and we’re like teaching parents and you’re like, inside you’re kind of like, well I sure hope this works. I like when they get to teenagers, you’re like, please God, let this work out well.
And then here we are and sure enough, all the bets, you know, paid off. Yeah. And now we get to really confidently with all our heart tell parents like, you don’t have to worry about the thing. Like you just wait. It’s amazing, the intrinsic self-control, the relationship, the influence that you’re able to have through the connection and the relationship instead of the fear and force and intimidation. It’s just wild, it’s just wild. So that’s really fun to be kind of like on parallel journeys as you
Hunter:
I agree completely. Yeah. Yeah. There is a modicum of, there’s like a trust, right? That you have to have if you are a parent and you’re listening and you’re saying, I’m gonna change from the like, authoritarian practices that are maybe around me in my culture or we’re in my family growing up or whatever. And you may have parents or family or friends who are like, if you don’t give that child a spanking or a timeout, then they’re gonna be whatever, you know, you have to have a lot of trust in hard moments that it’s gonna turn out. But the research is on your side. So just know that and and also Wendy and I’s experience is is it has born out my friend.
It has born out.
Wendy:
Yes. Yep. And, and man, just, just to watch you and your daughter’s journey especially has been an honor. I know you spoke a little bit about you and her and you know, things that she’s gone through and been as a human being, human teenager, and it’s just really been inspiring and encouraging for me being next to you, you know, on the other side of the, the US just knowing like how you, you’ve handled things and the connection you’ve kept with her and the support and just everything is just beautiful. So awesome, Hunter. Okay, well let’s get into our topic for the day. So we’re, we’re highlighting your beautiful book, which you talk so much about all of this, but we’re gonna talk about Five Ways Parents Can Be Less Busy, Prioritize Self Care, and Raise Kind, Confident and Conscientious Kids.
Look at that. I just slayed that word. I’m so excited for this. I think it’s so cool how God put this today because I like the busy part. It all of it is beautiful, right? Like Prioritize Self care. Like all right, let’s, let’s talk about this cuz man, I’m like I said, I’m 13 years into this, but the busy and the self-care, like, I’m pretty spot on with exercise. Like I’m, I’m pretty good with that. But when it comes to meditation, mindfulness and busyness, man, I’m like, feel like I reached the mountaintop when it comes to the parenting stuff, right? Like everything we just talked about, I’m like holy smokes, living the dream. Everything is smooth sailing, but the life feels way too busy.
Like, you know, I sometimes I’m like, oh my gosh, maybe is it entrepreneurship? Like what is it? I love my job so much, but holy smokes, like it feels like chaos some days. And I know, so many parents can relate, relate to that. So this one particular area, like this one idea of how the heck do we be less busy, right? And it’s like so easy to slip into like a powerless state or feeling like a, having a victim mindset of like, feeling like the world is just like suffocating you with to-dos and carpools and work tasks and lunches and ugh, all the things. And then self-care within that. For me, in my journey in the last few years, it’s just been so easy to push through and not really take care of myself.
Like meditation for man, I’m continue to be really challenged by that. And then of course raising kind, confident and conscientious kids is fantastic. So kick us off, Hunter, with what we can do to become more confident in all of these areas.
Hunter:
There’s a a lot there, but you know, you’re talking about the busyness, And, I, think that’s really, really super common. And I just wanna also acknowledge like, you know, we’ll I’ll talk about ways like we could be less busy, but I also wanna acknowledge that this can be really hard in our culture in particular where in the United States we have so little support for parents. My friend in the Netherlands had free childcare, high quality and all these things. And we don’t have that. We ha we are, you know, we are one of the few only industrialized countries, wealthy countries that don’t have like these supports for parents. And so it’s a lot harder for American parents because yeah, you might be working two jobs.
You might be like under stress of not knowing where your healthcare comes from or gig working or whatever. And so some of these things, like when we talk about being less busy, you might just wanna smack me in the face because that your reality may be that you really have very little choice. So I just wanna acknowledge that for, you know, for some of us, like there’s, there’s incredible stress for parents and, and that lack of safety net for parents is one of the bigger stressors I think that we have that I, I wish I could magically take away, but I can’t. So we have to kind of focus on what, what can we, what is in our locus of control, right? Like that, I talk about that a couple times in the book, like what is in our locus of control?
Because some of those things are not quite in that locus of control. So like the idea of busy, we have to start, like when we live really busy lives, like we, one of the things we wanna look at and if we’re feeling constantly overwhelmed by our schedule is like, why am I, why do I have so much in my schedule? Why am I doing all these things and asking ourselves these questions, right? Like starting to kind of see busy as a choice. Because it may be like a habit, it may be social conditioning, right? But there are places I know in most everybody’s schedule who’s listening to this that you have, like, you ha there is in the power, your power to change some of it, right?
So some of it means like, you know, what if if we wanna be less busy, what can we, what can we say no to, right? So what can we, you know, are we saying yes to doing all the things? Are we, you know, not figuring out like a carpool situation exchange for our kids to go to school? Are we, you know, thinking that it’s always us that has to take our child to the practice? Where are we could ask our child to try to get a ride to a practice, right? Are we thinking that we have to do if our kids are little, like we have to do, you know, a lot of us, like I remember going to a, you know, baby swim class with, with Sora and then like the mom, we were done with class and the mom next to me, she was like rushing that little kid along trying to get that kid into the shower so quick and she was like, we have to get to tumbling class.
and I’m like, you have back to back classes. Like goodness gracious. Like, you know, cuz you, you don’t have to do all the classes, right? Like kids, you know, kids have a real severe lack of free play time right now and that’s actually kind of what they need most. And we tend to be as parents, like putting them in class after class enrichment activity after enrichment activity. Whereas actually like, you know, they actually need some, some downtime and some free time and some space. Cuz if you are stressed by your schedule, I guarantee your kid is stressed by your schedule. you know, like if you find him stressful, your kid is probably finding it stressful.
So I encourage people to like, if your kids are little, only do one activity or sport per season. That may seem like a crazy idea, right? But maybe, and then maybe when they’re older, you just ask them to like find a ride, ask them to find a ride, teach them how to take the bus, find, you know, like kind of think about what are the different ways like that you could be creative about it. Not everything always being you and you are allowed to do that. And the thing is, a lot of times parents, we push back against that because we feel, we don’t feel worthy of help. We don’t feel like, we feel like other people shouldn’t have to help us.
And which is crazy. Like we, the, it’s like this crazy American like rugged individualism, independence, like toxic independence where we don’t feel like we can help each other sometimes and we don’t feel worthy of help. Like we have to do it on our own. So, so there’s some mindsets there that I would kind of push back against. And there’s a, a few more things on busy, but I just, I can see a reaction in your face there, Wendy, how’s this landing?
Wendy:
I’m crying, just licking my wounds. Oh, it’s so beautiful. Yeah, just that last piece, like man, I, it’s, it’s Wild how done so much work. And I still am like all the time. I’m like, oh, there’s that. Wow. Still still have that. And And, I was gonna say guilt. Like there’s so much guilt that I’m like, man, I should, I should be doing more like if I don’t like today. It was so cool. I had said to Stella her volleyball practice is like, gosh, I don’t know, I guess it’s like 10 miles. But we here in California, it’s like the e-bike capital of the nation and it’s wild like, but it’s also awesome.
Like, these kids are out there, they’re getting to places, they’re doing their things. And, I just pray to God that parents are like teaching their kids about helmets and, and safety, but which we do with our kids. But Stella rode her bike today with a buddy to volleyball practice and instead of me taking her and when she woke up and said it, I was like, I had said it yesterday, but I, as I was saying it, I felt guilty. Like, you know, why don’t, why don’t you ride your bike with Ellie? Because we had this beautiful new path, like very close to the ocean that oh great. But there’s, it’s a lot. Like it’s the longest she’s ever ridden it 10 miles. Like is yeah, it’s a lot. And, I could feel myself like being like just beating myself up.
Like, you know, it’s just, it’s just funny. It’s not funny. It’s, it’s just, it’s interesting right? Like we, we, we hold that tone of curiosity and just like, gosh, I wonder where that comes from and what, what we can do about it. So there’s so much, so much of the mindset piece underneath all of this, right? Like the continuing to like work and heal and just be aware of, right? Like you taught us in our first episode we did together where it’s like that that naming like, I think, I forget what you call it, but it’s like, oh, hello, scared. Like I just feel scared still often that I’m not enough. Like I’m not a good enough mom. A good, a good enough mom would end this podcast episode, scarf down lunch and then go get Stella.
So she wouldn’t like, you know, spend time with her. Like just those thoughts are so like, yeah, I don’t like them Hunter. I don’t like them. And, I would like them to go away.
Hunter:
Yeah. Yeah. That constant questioning of our validity. I mean And, I think it’s really baked into our culture, you know, like the puritans that came to Massachusetts colony, like they were obsessive work ethic and to, you know, the, the problem is there’s not enough ease there. And like the, in the mindfulness world, there’s an attitude of that is a value of non-striving and non-striving is a lot for people to take in. But this idea of non, because when we’re constantly striving, when we’re constantly trying and, and going and we’re filling our schedule and we’re, you know, it’s nothing, it’s, it’s comes from this idea of like, nothing’s ever good enough.
Like we have to have more, we have to do more in order to be worthy. And it’s really actually a very helpful practice. One of the things I recommend for how to be less busy is to have a sabbath day or like a day of rest, right? And it could be a day or an afternoon a week that you don’t have any screens, you don’t check social media, you don’t work, you know, you don’t schedule too much and you schedule in like a call a down day to just rest, to hang out on a hammock, to read a novel to like, you know, I dunno, what’s the beanbag toss game?
Do something like that.
Wendy:
Ah cornhole, right? Yeah.
Hunter:
Like, yeah, like cornhole bite, zoom around on your e-bike and not, not really have anything scheduled. Just be like, well you know, we have the afternoon open so that you can slow down and practice. It’s hard for us when we’re trained for, you know, from birth, from culture and everything that we have to do, do do to achieve. We have to get the grades to be worthy and all of this stuff to then, yeah, shift into being mode. And that’s really what, like this idea, a lot of what raising good humans every day is all about this idea of helping us in little ways to shift into being mode. Because the truth is that we, when we’re constantly doing then we get to the vacation, we get to the place and we can’t shift into being, cuz we never do, you know, we don’t know how to do it or it’s just not a muscle for us.
So like there may, you may be, you know, you could picture right a parent, a mom walking through a park with like a toddler and you could imagine like her, you know, and maybe a beautiful spring day like feeling the cool air on her arms, the moist air, you know, seeing her toddler notice a, a worm and then, then they go look at it together and feeling her daughter’s warm hand and her cool hand, right? But you could see the same situation where they’re walking, you know, it looks exactly the same from the outside observer. But that mom is a million miles away. She is thinking about the older son and some challenges he’s having, she’s thinking about later plans for, you know, tomorrow or next week.
She pulls out the phone to see if someone’s answered an email since they started their walk. She tugs her daughter along and says, come on we gotta get going. And that same exact thing from the outside, when you’re in doing mode, you’re always on the next thing, the next thing, the next thing. And you can’t be in relationship with the people and the loved ones that you are actually here in reality with. And when the idea of when practicing on a daily basis shifting into being slowing down enough to shift into just being mode is practicing to be present, feel the air, see with curiosity what’s happening with your child. Feel your feet on the earth.
And we do that not just for funsies, although it’s, it’s fun, it’s nice. Yeah, we, we do that cause the only, that’s the only place we can love our people. We can’t love them in the future. We can’t love them in the past. The only because love is a verb. The only way we can actually love them, give them our attention and our love is when we are present with them. And that means stopping all the doing for a little bit, not forever, just a little bit. you know, so we can shift there. Yes.
Wendy:
Yeah. Gosh. It’s like I just keep having to remind myself that it’s, cuz it’s so, it’s so it’s, I’m not gonna say that it’s, again, it’s interesting how I still have these tendencies to beat myself up about not being there yet, right? So, but it’s so where I wanna be, right? It is And I keep reminding myself that it’s just a continued practice and the more we hang out with people like Hunter, the more we’re reminded that we can do this. It is a practice, you start again every day. But like this week is an example where, I guess it was last night, I just was like a bucket of tears because all I wanted this week was like to practice what you’re talking about, right? Like we’re getting ready to go on a beautiful Mexican vacation to celebrate our sweet mother-in-law’s very big birthday.
And as I shared before we started recording this, Hunter, our passports are stuck in limbo. Hell, it’s, I guess it’s a national passport crisis and we leave on Sunday and it’s like Thursday afternoon and they’re not here. And we’re on the phone with congress people and senators trying to get it here. And, I just keep looking like, okay, what am I learning through this? Like what am I, and it has felt like there are things this week cuz it’s graduation week, our little guy graduated from elementary school and there’s like all these celebrations, And I find myself not being present in the moment because I’m just worrying. I’m worrying, I’m worrying. So this conversation has come at a perfect time because I’m continuing just to practice, just to practice.
Like putting, like this is a great practice. That’s way I look at all things, right? Like it’s so uncomfortable and it is such good practice just to know that this is where you often build the life skill, right? Like when you’re, when you’re in the thick of it and it feels impossible to put the phone down or not check or right now there’s like a temptation to be on hold with the passport agency for like eight hours a day. Like you’ll, you’ll hold for three hours, you’ll get someone and then you ask for an appointment. Nope, no appointments all over the US And so you just have, there’s like a temp temptation that we were in for a few days where you just are on the phone all day long and so you to, to be able to resist that and just put things down and, and walk outside or go for the hike or remember just to be present and think about like actually watching and listening to like the cheesy sixth graders, you know, speech, even though on, what was that Wednesday we had the graduation and it was like the same speech.
They chose like five kids to speak on stage and it was like the same exact thing. Like here’s kindergarten and then first grade and here’s all the things that we did. And, but yet it was beautiful, right? Like I wanted to stay present and listen and feel the wind on my skin and the sun and the raindrops that were coming down cuz it’s been the cloudiest rainiest winter ever in San Diego. And, I felt my mind wondering like I just felt it continuously, I would be like, oh my gosh, have I been thinking about passports for like 10 minutes and then I’ll come back to the present. So, long story short, well
Hunter:
I just wanna tell you, I would be too, I would, if I were in that situation, I would be too. Of course I would. you know, that’s really hard situation that’s
Wendy:
Like really?
Hunter:
Yes. Hell yes. I don’t believe it. I I mean I use these tools cuz I need them desperately. I’m not naturally like super calm and zen and no, not at all. And these are tools I need desperately. And you know, the thing is, it’s not like your mind never wanders once you meditate, you know? Like that’s not how it works anyway. you know, you still find yourself and, but the, one of the differences I’m hearing from what, like say from what you’re saying and what I’m imagining when getting from your si what you’re saying and what I might get from when, if I were watching sixth grade graduation or whatever it is, is that I wanna hear, what I wanna hear from, from you is a little more compassion.
Cuz this is a crazy hard situation. It’s hard, it sucks. And of course your mind wanders. So when your mind wanders as I’m practicing person who practices mindfulness every day, which doesn’t mean like a lot, right? It doesn’t mean like hours a day or, or anything like that. But what it just means is like when my mind wanders, you know, and I’m not gonna beat myself up about it. That’s what minds do as eyes see and ears hear, minds think that’s just what they do, you know? But it’s just the practice of bringing, bringing it back with kindness and with curiosity. That’s the key is to like, when we bring ourselves back, a lot of us, you know, it’s normal.
It’s in our culture and, and, and for humans to have reflexive judgment and that’s like a little like what I’m hearing, right? Like reflexive judgment and that’s okay, that’s normal, right? Like the brain is constantly looking for threats and that’s normal. So, but when we practice, as we start to practice a mindfulness practice, we bring our attention back with kindness and with curiosity. Oh, thinking about the passport again, no wonder it’s a crazy week, right?
Wendy:
Yeah. Oh, that’s so helpful. It’s amazing how much just normalizing things helps parents or, or humans, right? Like just hearing from you, And I think in our head we like make up this, this idea that like other people have it all together and we’re just over here and we’re just these failures and it’s, you just continue like to hear someone like you, right? Who’s like, no, this is like totally normal. Hello. That’s just so helpful, right? So like, yes, the continuing to bring it back and every time like I’ll, like I’ll even the thoughts this week are like, gosh, I, I ruined this week. Like if I was just better at detaching and like handing it over to God and just being like, if they come, they come and like as zen state, like if the passports come, we will go to Mexico, a trip that we’ve been looking forward to for six months.
If if they don’t, then we’ll just reschedule the trip. No worries. And instead I’m like, shit, I’ve ruined the week. you know? But then in that moment just, oh, there I go again. That’s okay. And like there’s that pattern of striving, I’m just gonna bring it back and, or like my gosh, like be again. I love that this conversation is this week because being in this week, Taryn brought home this sweetest activity. We have like the most beautiful social emotional teachers in our local school system. And it was like kind of bittersweet knowing he’s leaving this little elementary school and moving on to middle school where they will not have a social emotional teacher, but he brought home an activity that it was like this little hand and it was like all these words to describe the year.
And Hunter, let me tell you, it felt like a punch to the gut in the middle. His main word for, to describe the sixth grade year was chaotic And. I was like, oh my gosh. And of course I’m like, what does this mean? What do you mean? I’m like, and and me right away I go to like, I’ve done this to you, I’ve created this busy lifestyle where we’re constantly on the go and we’re blah blah blah. And he was like, I don’t know mom. It was just a lot this year. And I’m like, tell me more, tell, tell me more why? you know? And, and you could tell for him it was like, no big deal. But it again. The, the the, what was the word you used? It was like, I say knee-jerk reaction, but you said reflexive blaming or reflexive, what was that word? Reflexive judgment. Oh, the reflexive judgment still comes so fast for me where I’m like, you’ve taught this child how to live in a chaotic world, right?
Where you’re constantly like going, going, going, going, going. And it’s, it’s so clear to me being a life coach, being a parenting educator, that it’s because it’s just, I’m still beating myself up that I’ve created this lifestyle of busyness and overwhelm. Even though I love my, like everything is fantastic in my life. It’s just too much. Like there’s just too much, right?
Hunter:
Too many fantastic things.
Wendy:
Exactly. Too many fantastic things. And then I put the reflexive judgment of like, and now you’ve screwed up your kid, right? So I love the idea of returning with compassion. There you go again, we’re gonna come back. And actually the last three years for me, I did about three years ago discover that there was a pit of shame within me that had to do with my inclination to strive. And it was like associated with a bit of like a manic tendency, not manic, I dunno if that’s the right word, but like go, go, go. Like striving like that that was the word. Like just kind of clawing, like a desperate vibe that would come out when there was ever shame present.
So it’s been really cool to like be doing just, it’s amazing how much has shown up to shed the shame, which I know is associated with perfectionism, right? Like I always say, I think shame loves perfectionism because perfectionism, quiets shame, right? As long as we’re like doing everything, then the shame is happy. But if we’re not doing everything and if we’re not doing everything perfectly, then the shame for those of us who have it, which I think is most humans, it flares up, right? So it’s been such a cool journey. And I will keep just returning and just have your voice in my head, Hunter. Oh, there’s the reflexive judgment. We’re just gonna come back with a tone of curiosity and bring ourselves back because minds just do that.
That’s their job. They’re healthy, you’re doing a great job. So all
Hunter:
Right, well in chapter 13 of raising good humans, every day there’s a practice that’s super, super helpful for all those thoughts that you were describing. Like when you know, oh I did this to my child, all this stuff like that, you know? And it is just a simple practice of like unhooking from those thoughts and all. It’s super simple and all you do is you just put in front of it. Like I’m having the thought that in whatever, in front of whatever your thought is, I’m having the thought that I messed up my child, I’m having the thought that I did this to my child. And that’s really, really helpful. Cuz then we start to kinda just see those things for thoughts for what they are, which are, they are stories or statements or images that are in our head.
They are not concrete reality, right? Like they are things that can be helpful or they are things that can be not helpful, right? So if we can say this is what that is, then you know, then is it, is it really helpful? you know, no, this is not gonna help me in this situation, right? Yeah. It’s not gonna help me grow and learn from this situation at all.
Wendy:
I love that. Yeah. Like just realizing it’s just a thought and it’s not concrete written in on a, you know, slate board that it’s factual. And to get to that, I love the quote at the beginning of that chapter, Hunter, the mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven. It’s so true. Like that’s true, right? I’ve taught myself every time we, like, I’ve taught myself probably 27 times this week saying to myself, it’s like I’m taking effing crazy pills and I’m like, that’s not helping. So I
Hunter:
It’s not helping,
Wendy:
No,
Hunter:
No, but listen, I gotta tell you like too, like I like this is such a thing, like that busy thing is such a thing in our culture. Like, and efficiency was like such a thing I was brought up with. And so I’ve had to like, I’ve had to make my own commandment for like the last 10 years. Ooh. I have a commandment that I have di dire consequences if I break, which is thou shalt not squeeze. And that means thou shalt not squeeze something in, into a little bit of space that you find,
Wendy:
Ok, I’m adapting
Hunter:
That, that’s my personal, that’s my personal commandment because it always ends bad. And, I end up rushed and you know, stuff happens like that. So like I can’t squeeze, I tried to squeeze yesterday and it, it totally didn’t work. And I was like, oh there it is again. Thou shall not squeeze. I’m like, just spiral back to that lesson. But it’s okay, you know? No shame.
Wendy:
I love it there, there it is again. I spiral back to that lesson and it’s just, that’s the way life is, right? That’s life. Like lessons come and they come and they come and they come and it’s, that’s okay, that’s normal. Sometimes you learn a lesson within a few years. Sometimes you learn it within a few decades. But we’re learning, right? And, I love that. I’m feel like I’m a queen of squeezing and and same thing, I happened last night and it came from a people pleasing tendencies. I had a friend in town and he was like, let’s hang out for your birthday. My birthday’s Friday. And in my head immediately I was like, no, I had taken Terrin out. Like I had an activity that night. And I in my head I thought, you know what? Him and his buddies are gonna wanna have dinner. Like I should just have open space and not make a commitment.
And I said yes to this friend and it turned into like him wanting to like do something for dinner that I didn’t wanna do. And I ended up like just spiraling kind of down into despair and not even joining him and like in tears at the end of the night. And it all came from squeezing instead of just saying no. Oh my gosh, I’m so, so bummed Jordan. But we already have plans and to squeeze it in is prob I could, but I’m prob it’s pro, I just wanna leave some open space. So there’s the lesson, thou shall not squeeze and I’m so thankful that I’m digesting that that right now because I was pretty hung up on it and again, blaming myself like, oh I missed out on, but we’re not gonna do that. We’re just gonna circle back to the lesson.
Thou shall not squeeze. That’s awesome. Okay, Hunter. All right, so we started off by this episode by saying we’re gonna, we’re gonna cover five ways parents can do this. And, I don’t know where we are with our five things, but oh, oh give us something else.
Hunter:
Okay, good. One thing that is super important is very related to thou shall not squeeze, which is don’t multitask. So just do one thing at a time. I’m sorry. Right. When you do, youll feel less busy, you’ll feel more productive. And that’s the funny thing about like a mindfulness practice that people are like, oh my god, it’s like a thing to do but because it helps us to focus on one thing at a time and just we are end up be having more time because we’re so much more efficient with things. So like when doing this thing, just do this thing, you know? So don’t try not to multitask cuz your brain is actually switching back and forth.
You can’t multi do thing two things at once really anyway. I mean you could listen to a podcast and drive a car I’m sure, but you know, in general things where you have to like you want to pay attention. And I actually have another little statement for you. It’s kind of similar to Thou Shall Not Squeeze, but this is another one that I’ve been working with because I have been, you know, I wanna get things done. Like you, I’m an entrepreneur, I’m doing things, there’s a lot in life. So a mantra that I work with is there’s more than enough time for everything important. There’s more than enough time for everything important. And that ends up being so true because the things that are unimportant, like, you know, some of the times we have a huge list, like it’s okay if they fall away or it’s okay if you miss some of the unimportant things like, and that’s okay, but there is more than enough time for everything important and it, it really helps if we can make a little, of course a little space in our schedule.
But even if the schedule is full, the things that aren’t important may drop away and that’s okay. There’s more than enough time for everything’s important. So just telling ourselves that and just letting ourselves slow down in those moments, you know? Like it’s not in being less busy. But one of the things I think is really helpful for this is just practicing pausing in moments. you know, prac. So some, sometimes parents ask me like, how do I pause? Because like how do you pause? Parents coaches are always like just step one pause. And I’m like, well how do you do that?
Wendy:
Right? How do
Hunter:
You do that? It’s so frustrating. Like sure, step one, pause. Yeah. Like I know how to do that. this is how you do it. You practice pausing and moments when you don’t have to pause at all, you practice pausing, you know, just like you get in the house some your child says something to you and you just take a breath in, you take a breath out and then maybe you answer or maybe you take two breaths and then answer. Or you get in the car and then you take two or three breaths and then you leave the driveway. you know, you just take little moments throughout the day and instead of saying, okay, gonna do the next thing, you pause.
Hunter:
So you just practice like letting your body relax a little, letting your mind and body relax a little, knowing that the 2.5 seconds it takes to take those breaths, it’s not going to back to your travel time too much and it’s worth it. So
Wendy:
I love that.
Hunter:
Two more pieces I can offer you.
Wendy:
I can do that. you know something sometimes you hear and you’re like, have so much resistance show up in your brain and you’re like, that’s interesting. Look at all that resistance there. Like when you talk about multitasking, I’m like, just wanna fight you on it, right? Like I know all the data, I know all the science. Like it is literally one of our five goals this year. Like in our team Fresh Start Family Goals is about like our flow and all the things that involves doing one thing at a time. So there’s like so much resistance there that I’m working through, but when it comes to what you just said, I’m like, absolutely I can do that, I can do that. And we know that developing that practice in those calm times is really where the skill gets And, I think learning from the times that you didn’t, right?
And having that compassion piece, like I know that after this week there’s gonna be so much learning for me that I’m gonna be able to look back and and be like, look, that didn’t work out quite so well. So we’re just gonna learn from it and next time. Like the combination right. Of, of experiencing it and instead of beating yourself up, actually learning from it and just practicing in those calm times I think is really, really powerful.
Hunter:
Yeah. Then you have the muscle when you need it in the harder times.
Wendy:
Yeah. Yeah. And, I think, gosh, it’s like with multitasking, it is so interesting. What a habit it’s become. Right? So it’s like with habits, it’s like we, we get so used to it. Like, and that’s why I feel a lot, I feel very scared for the next generation because they are being conditioned to multitask so much. Right. I feel like sometimes, like for me, I have these like different levels of multitasking or I’m like, okay, I am a little bit more giving and like open if they’re, if you’re like folding laundry or doing dishes or cooking or something, and it’s like if I wanna listen to a podcast or watch a show, I feel like it brings me joy. Right? Like those type of things. And then there’s other things where you can feel it in your body that it’s creating tension.
But, it has become such a socially conditioned thing and now kids are having it at such a young age. Like, I, I kind of trip watching my kids and, and Stella, you know, we had her wait till high school to get a phone. Thank goodness we were able to make it that long. But now even have watching her have one, she rolls around with music everywhere and I’m like, I guess music is okay, but she is got music. She listens to music throughout her whole school like thing. So as you’re talking to her, I’m like, so you’re, you’re doing two things at once now. Like, are you, are you hearing me? And she’s always like, mom, it’s not a big deal, but that has just become very normal for them. Right? So it’s like, I guess just modeling, like, because it’s easy to get frustrated, right.
And tell them like, wow, this is a problem. But instead like, looking at yourself and where you’re modeling any type and cleaning that up first before you’re even
Hunter:
Yeah.
Wendy:
Speaking to them about any type of multitasking. Right.
Hunter:
I so hear you on that one.
Wendy:
Yeah. So good. Well I feel like we’ve probably covered five. I didn’t, I didn’t create like a very organized outline for us today. I just knew that we were gonna cover five, five ways. But if you have any We did, we did
Hunter:
Them remember? Yes.
Wendy:
Okay, well then let, well you review them for us real quick, Hunter. Okay. And then we’ll wrap cuz this is just been such a beautiful conversation and, and so life giving for me, that’s why I love podcast hosting because again, like I feel like it gets put on my calendar exactly at the time when I need it. And, I don’t even care. I’m like, we’re gonna talk about me today and I’m gonna like work through my own stuff because I know there’s so many people listening that have similar things. And so I’m just feeling lighter and so much more filled with hope to endure the next two days as we wait for these passports to arrive because they are going to arrive. Hunter, next week I’m gonna be sitting poolside in Mexico and I’m gonna be surfing with my son and daughter and it’s gonna be amazing.
But Thank you for a beautiful conversation. Go ahead and summarize what we covered today for us, please.
Hunter:
All right, well, how to be less busy. You can start seeing busy as a choice, right? Like where you have, where do you have the locus of control. Think about taking a Sabbath day or a day, a full day or an afternoon where it’s just you don’t schedule too much when your kids are young. Do only one activity or sport per season. Or if they’re old, like ask them to get some rides. Don’t multitask is number four. Five – plan downtime into your schedule. We may not have to discuss that one block. If you have a big thing coming up, block a few days off for downtime afterwards. And then six, remind yourself there’s more than enough time for everything important.
Wendy:
I love it. See, we gave you a bonus. Bonus listeners bonus we gave you bonus
Hunter:
Six. Bonus one.
Wendy:
because we didn’t cover five, but Hunter just told us schedule a little bit of downtime after a big event. I love that. Hunter, you are such a blessing. I just love hanging out with you. I love learning from you. And will you leave us with where families can buy your book? Because listeners, you gotta get your hands on this book. It is such an easy read. And I really think, I know I’m going to be taking it to Mexico and devouring it and having it in my purse. So just tell listeners where they can find you, where they can get the book, all the things please.
Hunter:
Sure. You can find me at mindfulmamamentor.com. You can find Raising Good Humans Every Day, anywhere books are sold. And you can fi also listen to the Mindful Mama podcast where I have amazing guests like Wendy on the podcast. So find me in in all the places.
Wendy:
I love that. Yeah, we had a really good discussion on discipline, right? On your podcast, so we’ll make sure, yeah, we link that in the show notes to this episode as well as your original episode you were on with the Fresh Start Family Show. So thanks for being here again, Hunter listeners, thanks for listening. And I, hope this episode has blessed you so much and go give Hunters some love and make sure you order her book now. It’ll be on presale when this comes out, right? Cuz it’s a August release. Is that correct?
Hunter:
Yeah. Yeah. And presale is such a good thing to do. It’s the best way to support an author. And their book I found out is to pre-order it from your local bookstore. So Raising Good Humans Every Day, go find it for pre-sale. That would be amazing. Yes. And then actually we’re having a Summit So, if you order it, you can join. There’s a Raising Good Humans Summit. You can hear 16 amazing speakers join for free. So check it all out. It’s all at mindfulmamamentor.com.
Wendy:
Perfect you guys. So that gives you about two weeks from the time this episode comes out to Pre-Order Hunter’s new book, get into her summit that she’s hosting and that’s perfect. Well Thank you again for being here, Hunter. Such a great conversation.
Hunter:
Yes, Thank, you Wendy.
For links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/180.
Stella:
For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening, families, have a great day.
