Join Wendy and Terry as they discuss the benefits of long-term vision casting in positive parenting on this episode of the Fresh Start Family Show.

They explore the importance of commitment and fluency in firm & kind, connection based strategies and how having a long-term vision for your family can lead to FULL mastery in positive parenting. Wendy and Terry share their own experiences and visions for their children’s future, emphasizing the importance of connection, communication, and creating a legacy of love and joy.

This inspiring conversation on building a strong foundation for your family’s future brings a refreshing perspective on mastering the principles of relationship based parenting w/ strong boundaries.

Full ownership of a powerful positive parenting way of life includes a deep commitment to shaping the future trajectories of our children’s lives, through consistent practice, compassionate discipline, and maintaining a sense of empowerment & teamwork along the way.

You’ll be encouraged to not only adopt positive parenting techniques into the daily fabric of your life, but also to envision & trust the lifelong impact they can leave on your children.

Curious about what the Full Mastery Program is?

**Join the waitlist to get instant access to the “No Holds Barred” Cheatsheet : 3 common fears & beliefs that hold parents back from reaching full fluency as an empowered parent.”

Episode Highlights:

• The significance of long-term vision casting for mastering positive parenting and shaping the trajectory of children’s future.
• The three C’s of positive parenting: commitment, consistency, and courage to practice a connection-based parenting approach.
• The concept of leaving a positive family legacy that prioritizes connection, joy, and personal growth for both parents and children.
• Encouraging reflection on the legacy one wishes to leave behind, motivating parents to lead by example in showing strength, kindness, and playfulness.
• The possibility of pivoting the generational parenting narrative to foster self-confidence, emotional literacy, and resilience in children.

Resources Mentioned:

freshstartfamilyonline.com/masteryworkshop

freshstartfamilyonline.com/fullmastery

Not able to listen or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!

0:00:02 – (Wendy): Well, hey there, families, and welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family show. I’m here with Terry today.
0:00:10 – (Terry): Hi, guys. What’s happening?
0:00:12 – (Wendy): It’s going to be so much more fun to listen to this episode because Terry’s with us and I’m really happy to have you. Thank you for being here.
0:00:22 – (Terry): Sun tomatoes isn’t out yet.
0:00:23 – (Wendy): I know. Sun, the afternoon I pulled you away from power washing the backyard.
0:00:30 – (Terry): I wasn’t power washing.
0:00:31 – (Wendy): You were for the recording is really fun. For the record. Really fun. I don’t know if you’ve tried it, but it’s very like, what is that word when it’s like. I know power washing is fun. What is it called when people listen to the sound?
0:00:49 – (Terry): Asmr.
0:00:49 – (Wendy): Asmr. It’s like pleasing or something.
0:00:53 – (Terry): I’m looking for satisfying.
0:00:54 – (Wendy): Satisfying. It’s very satisfying when you’re like erasing stuff from tiles. But it’s an exciting Sunday right over.
0:01:02 – (Terry): To our power washing sponsor. No, we don’t have a power washing sponsor yet.
0:01:07 – (Wendy): I’ll take a power washing sponsor. Seriously, call me. But I really am happy to have Terry here. He always brings so much fun and comedy and wisdom to the show. In case you are new to the show, Terry is my husband, my better half, co host of the podcast. He’s not on every episode.
0:01:24 – (Terry): I got to rest. Know, I know, can’t do it.
0:01:30 – (Wendy): Know but you are on many episodes and we just love it when you are here, Terry. So thanks for being here today. And we want to chat about the benefits of long term vision casting to reach full mastery with positive parenting.
0:01:47 – (Terry): Whoa, whoa, whoa. Vision casting.
0:01:50 – (Wendy): Vision casting.
0:01:51 – (Terry): Okay, so we’re casting a net and that’s our vision. I love it. Well, it was beautiful. I just wanted to slow down and unpack that a little.
0:02:05 – (Wendy): Well, we’re going to unpack it.
0:02:07 – (Terry): All right, let’s do it.
0:02:08 – (Wendy): But this is just an expansion of our topic of the month here at fresh start family, which is all around. How do we reach a real fluent, like real fluency or real mastery with positive parenting? And in case you didn’t listen, last week we covered the three c’s of positive parenting. Hopefully you did listen because I think that was a great episode to just talk about what really does help parents get to that place where they are fully fluent and they don’t have to think so hard about how to implement positive parenting because it just comes like second nature. Right?
0:02:44 – (Wendy): But that was a really good episode. Do you remember the three c’s, Terry?
0:02:47 – (Terry): Well, I was just going to pause on one of them, because I think the most important one for me is that idea of commitment, because it’s not croissants.
0:02:55 – (Wendy): Today, you said you thought it was croissants or Christmas.
0:02:58 – (Terry): Yeah. Well, yeah. If you would have had me on the three C’s episode, I would have said, yeah, christmas, croissants. And, I don’t know, condors or crabs, probably. Crabs.
0:03:14 – (Wendy): Crabs, yes. Maryland.
0:03:16 – (Terry): Sorry. Condors. Crabs. But I think commitment, because really, I think you just have to be committed. There’s no perfection in this. So if you listen to that episode, none of this parenting, there’s no perfection ever reached. But if you can just be committed, I’d say that is the biggest step you can make towards mastery or towards this being fluent. It’s like a language. When we talk about all of this, I think our commitment is to get to the point where we’re searching for an answer for something in the moment of parenting or in relationship building.
0:04:00 – (Terry): And it comes to you. You draw for it and it comes. You don’t have to go look it up to. It just comes. And then you start to feel, think.
0:04:11 – (Wendy): Yeah, and maybe speak to that, Terry, because obviously I have been living, breathing as my number one career and focus for the last fresh start. Family was founded six years ago. Been practicing and teaching this work for a decade, and we started this work about 13 years ago. So fluency, for me, I feel like it was like year five, probably. I was like, dang, I kind of know the answers to my own questions when I went to my mentors, maybe even year four, it was definitely as soon as we decided to have me become certified to become a coach, things really started to shift pretty fast for me, and everything started to sink in a lot deeper. But for you, when did you feel like, or maybe just speak to now what it’s like to have the mastery and the fluency where we, of course, have conversations. If something happens with the kids and there needs to be compassionate discipline or there’s an argument or an attitude or someone has a grade that’s slipping or something, right? Or, like, pushback, maybe just speak for a second on what it’s like for you to be a dad with a 16 year old and a 13 year old who really has been fully committed since I invited you into this work, you and your mom, 13 years ago, right? When I was like, hey, I found this work, and I really would love it if you wanted to do the program and learn more about what this looks like. And I was like, and how about Gigi? Since she’s with the kids so much and both of you were like, yes, we’re in.
0:05:48 – (Wendy): But now, what does that look like? And it feel like for you? I mean, you mentioned a little bit of just not having to think so hard about it and just knowing, but how does that feel? Like in your body and your heart and your mind? Not to say it’s easy or it’s always perfect, but maybe riff on that for a second before we get started.
0:06:09 – (Terry): I feel like a deep and strong connection to my family of four to where even when things are really messy, I’m not concerned that there’s this huge breakdown. It’s like, yeah, are there things that we’re all going to deal with on a weekly basis? For sure. Are some of them like, do you feel like you’re losing your mind sometimes? For sure. But in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s all about zooming out. And sometimes it’ll just take something. Like, I’ll have a coworker who’s the parent of young kids, and they’ll come to me for advice on something and they’ll ask me something.
0:07:02 – (Terry): And as I’m explaining it to them, I realize, I’m like, oh, my gosh. I’m like, dang, right.
0:07:09 – (Wendy): I share with somebody else.
0:07:11 – (Terry): I’m like, wow, we’ve been through a lot. We know a lot. Some of these questions, if somebody would have asked me at one point in time, I’d have like, yeah, I don’t know. Yeah, I can. I’m like, I feel like there’s no subject that I couldn’t sit there and come alongside of someone and feel, like, very comfortable, even in an uncomfortable subject. It’s moments like that. But I think that I start to realize where I’m at in the grand scheme of things.
0:07:50 – (Terry): As with anything, when you’re really close to it and you get a little bit better every day, it’s hard to realize. Sometimes you don’t feel like you’re moving very far until you zoom out or some situation has you zoom out and then you realize you’re like, oh, wow. Even just like, so many dads out there. I remember this when a lot of dads, I’m not saying that the ones that are listening are the ones, but when a lot of dads find out early on, oh, they’re having a daughter, or the subject of, like, when she becomes a teenager. And we’ve talked about this on the podcast before this, like, I’m going to get my gun or something. I don’t know, there’s a lot of strong language and fear around having this teenage daughter and what’s going to happen, or even teenagers just in general, and how you’re going to have this real clash.
0:08:49 – (Terry): And I realize how far we are and how fluent I am just by being like, I’m really enjoying these teenage years, 13 and 16. I have a 16 year old girl and it’s awesome. And I love connecting with her. Not always easy. Yeah, totally. So when I think about that, I love that I must be fluent if I’m not in that fear that most dads seem to operate in. And maybe some of those dads realized it wasn’t as bad as they thought once they finally got to it. But I can tell you there is a lot of dads who just feel like teenagers, especially teenage girls, was going to be something that was some kind of nightmare. Some kind of nightmare, yeah. And I’m not living it. I’m telling you, it’s awesome.
0:09:42 – (Terry): And I associate it to this. I don’t want to call it work. It’s a relationship lifestyle.
0:09:51 – (Wendy): It’s a language.
0:09:52 – (Terry): It’s a language. It’s powerful, it’s connection based. It’s awesome.
0:09:59 – (Wendy): But that that has come from. So the amount of trust and openness that you have with Stella now at 13 and Taryn, too. Stella at 16, Taryn at 13. It’s like that openness and trust that you have when she leaves this house that she can stand on her own 2ft. Did you see the joke she made last night when I told her that when she left the house, hey, remember, you can stand on your own 2ft. And she’s like, oh, look at me.
0:10:28 – (Wendy): And she put her feet real deep in the stairs and was like, look, mom, I’m doing it. I’m standing on my own 2ft. That’s what we often say to our kids. It’s like we just remind them to. They can be different, they can think for themselves. They don’t have to just do things because other kids are doing it. She actually came home today and told me she had learned of a lot of kids that are starting to drive through Rancho Santa Fe super duper fast at night just for fun.
0:10:56 – (Wendy): And one of her friends who was there with them, she has an older sister who got in a really bad car accident, I guess, like last year or something, doing that. And it just, again, is a representation of. She just is very open with us and shares with us, like, oh, here’s what’s happening, here’s what’s. And we get to find out, like, oh, that’s what you’re going to be susceptible to, peer pressure to get in a car.
0:11:20 – (Terry): Sounds like something I would have done.
0:11:22 – (Wendy): Yes, it is something you would have done. Me, too. In your car. But yeah. The closeness that you have, the openness that she can come home and share that stuff with us and know that we’re not going to prohibit her from seeing that friend with the older sister or something. I think it comes from the years and years and years of work and really being committed to raising your daughter in this way. So I love it.
0:11:47 – (Wendy): So when it comes to long term vision casting, I think what’s really motivating for me and what may sound a little. What is that word? When it’s like, not dreary, but morbid. Morbid. Morbid. I talked about this in last week’s episode. It may sound a little morbid, but I actually really love and enjoy and get motivated by thinking about the end of my life and what kind of legacy and memories I want people that I love to say about me and think about me and what I want my great grandchildren to learn about me and our family legacy when they are hearing about us. Right. I just get so jazzed by looking at long term what do I want? And then working backwards from there.
0:12:38 – (Wendy): And so there’s two things that I really think of when it comes to long term vision casting. And I remember when I was in the thick of parenting, I, of course, was not thinking this. But then as soon as I learned to see parenting a little bit different and focused more on connection over correction, I started to be able to look out a little bit more to what I wanted and realized that that was going to take time to build and it wasn’t going to be this overnight success story.
0:13:09 – (Wendy): And there were ways that I could expedite the process, but knowing what I wanted in the long term was really kind of the most important step. So when I think of long term stuff, I think of what do I want for our kids when they’re fully grown, when they’re in college and getting married and having kids, and what do I want for our relationship with our adult children and when they start to have kids and we become grandparents. I think of that season of life, and I think that that is almost like it’s the harvest of how you chose to spend the childhood years with your children.
0:13:48 – (Wendy): And then I think of later in life when we’re really old, we’re like ancient, babe, and we’re going to live.
0:13:55 – (Terry): To be like 110, maybe old ass Terry.
0:14:00 – (Wendy): I love that. That would be a really cool Terry. Yeah. Like in old English maybe or something. Okay, so you’re oat. We’re super old. Maybe a t shirt. Start there all wrinkled. But seriously, I think of when we’re really old and we’re kind of like on our deathbed, so to speak, and we are just sitting there looking in the eyes of our children and our grandchildren and our great grandchildren with just no regrets.
0:14:33 – (Wendy): No regrets. And some people may think, oh, that’s impossible. But really, I look at the way we live and the way we go for what we want when it comes to the most important things in our life. And I really believe with all my heart that we are going to be at that place in our life without regrets. Because so much of it is the parenting that we were blessed to get introduced to and get this passion kind of pumped into our veins and pour into. Because, again, the long term of it is just so amazing. So I think of the book I mentioned in last week’s podcast episode. I mentioned this book all the time lately, but seven regrets of the dying by Ronnie Rare. And out of all the incredible patients that she helped at the end of their life, this book talks about the number one regret that they had was living a life that was not true to them, but instead was like trying to make other people happy or conform to culture or to just not really go for what they wanted, right, but just to conform a little bit.
0:15:43 – (Wendy): And so that stuck with me. And it just gives me courage every day to live the kind of life that I want to live. Because I think one of the fears which we’re going to talk about next week, in next week’s podcast episode that prevents parents from reaching full fluency is just this concern more about what other people think. And because positive parenting is so countercultural, you really have to build up your muscles and stand on your own 2ft and become confident that what you believe and what you want for your family and what your intuition and your gut and what you believe God is guiding you to is more important than what other people think.
0:16:25 – (Wendy): And so, again, there will be so many opportunities to conform. And the way of positive parenting mastery is just to stay committed to that connection based, relationship based, firm and kind parenting. So, yeah, those are the two long term things I think of. So let’s start with the first long term vision, Terry for the family. What do you think about mean? And what’s crazy is time flies, man. I mean, I know that’s such a, when you have little kids, you’re like, I don’t want to freaking hear that. Right?
0:17:00 – (Wendy): The days seem so long, and even the years seem long when they’re little. But then as they start to get older, it just. Man, it feels like it’s going so fast. And here’s Stella at 16, and now she’s in this stage where she’s going hard after this beach volleyball scholarship, and we’re starting to attend college camps, and Taryn’s going to be in high school in a year, and it’s just like, holy smokes, we’re going to be empty nesters in, like, five years or something. Crazy, right?
0:17:29 – (Wendy): That’s insane.
0:17:31 – (Terry): It’s wild.
0:17:32 – (Wendy): And so you only get one chance to do this. And that’s not to say that if you have teenagers and you’re just finding this podcast or you’re just finding this work and you’re like, wow, Wendy, we’re not in a great place. We argue a lot with our teenagers. They’re rebelling. There’s tons of misbehavior, there’s reactive patterns. We’re still in a punishment mindset and cycle. Please remember that. It’s never too late to start, I should say, because I’ll back up. I have seen so many people turn the ship around once they had teenagers, including my mentor, our mentor, good friend, Susie Walton, who found this work when she had four teenage boys, and she was a single mom, and she just turned her entire family legacy around as they were teenagers.
0:18:22 – (Wendy): And I will say that the earlier you can become committed and if you can expedite your learning journey to get fluent and become masterful at all of the things that we teach here as early as possible, I believe the benefits will really be exponential. And it makes me think of a seminar I was at in Miami a few weeks ago, and we had this beautiful mama, pregnant mama who owned this boutique financial planning agency, and she came and did our ending presentation. So it was like a financial healing and health seminar that I was at. And it’s just been so fun to learn all about that and its relationship to the nervous system.
0:19:11 – (Wendy): But this presentation at the end, it was very tactical, strategic, where there was tons of numbers and funds and all the different long term ways, stocks and bonds, that you can essentially make money start working on its own without you. And one of the biggest drivers home of her presentation was just the earlier the better. The earlier the better. The earlier the better, because the earlier you start and the earlier you become committed, the money starts to exponentially grow on its own.
0:19:54 – (Wendy): And so it’s like the combination of how do you remember to stay settled in your nervous system? That it’s not too late and it’s never too late. And also remembering that now is the time, it is an urgent matter. And I feel like that with parenting, too, is the longer you stay in the unhealthy cycles, whether it’s conflict resolution or punishment versus discipline or threats, overpowering external controls versus intrinsic motivation and influencing your kids with integrity, the longer you stay in that, the harder it is to undo.
0:20:37 – (Wendy): And so it just ends up taking longer. And why not just start and commit as early as possible, if that makes sense? So that probably sounds very like doomsday, but it’s like a combination of, like, it’s never too late. And trust me, you don’t want to wait another day if you can, because now’s the time. So back to my original question, Terry. When you think of long term visioning for the kids once they’re out of the house, maybe once even they’re graduated from college, or maybe you want to talk about their college experience, but what are your long term visions for our children and our family?
0:21:18 – (Wendy): Yeah, you can cry if you need to, babe, because this is very sheer jerky.
0:21:22 – (Terry): Oh, my gosh, I got so choked up the other day. Sidebar I was thinking about Stella at her wedding one day and that dance that I’ll have the daddy daughter dance at her wedding, and I was just like, I’m going to lose it.
0:21:41 – (Wendy): Like Sean White in the oh, no, I’m going to.
0:21:46 – (Terry): I am going to ball so hard. I don’t know. I think we always have metaphors for things, but I feel like this idea of living life to its fullest, I think we’ve just been in such great practice with that. And I think about. One of the metaphors that I think about is when Stella and I, and we’ve been at concerts before and stuff, it’s like this idea that you’re there. There’s like a commitment to get okay, cool.
0:22:33 – (Terry): And could kind of stand off to the side and watch, or you could get up a little closer, kind of get in and be like, that feels good enough. Or you can be like, what if we got all the way up there?
0:22:51 – (Wendy): You instill it. Yes.
0:22:55 – (Terry): And then once you get a little further, you get all the way up there, and then you’re like, wow, look at what it looks like up here. Look at what it feels like up here. Look at what that memory. Look at what that memory is like. Aren’t you glad we went and did all that, and we didn’t just stand on the sidelines or stand in the middle or stand in the middle or wherever some people the middle might be.
0:23:23 – (Terry): That is what they really wanted. But I’ll tell you, for us, and our calling is like, let’s go and let’s not think about like, oh, we could have or we should have. It’s like that idea that you’re talking about of not having any regrets. I think we’ve practiced this with our kids and with each other a lot. And that’s one way, just with Stella of just like seeing, that’s like, let’s go do this together. Let’s get all the way up there.
0:24:02 – (Terry): And I think she is just such that kid, and she will be that adult to say, my parents got me and went with me all the way up there and she’s going to then go do it on her own and that’s going to make me cry. But I can’t imagine her doing it with somebody else. But whatever that is in life, it’s not even just going to be a concert that she’s going to do that. And she got to practice that. And Taryn got to do it in his own ways, too.
0:24:33 – (Terry): I think he’s seeing, like, even just this afternoon, some of the time this afternoon was spent filling out paperwork and doing a bunch of things so that he can practice surfing as his PE class for eigth grade. And it’s like his parents took the time to figure that out with him and to show him what that’s like so that he could go out there and be in nature and go and do it, not just think about doing it or being like, oh, maybe I’ll do that one day.
0:25:09 – (Terry): He’s doing it. I think when I think about our kids, we talk about fluency in parenting, the fluency that our kids must feel and will feel as adults. I think there’s got to be a lot of similarities to what we feel, but I’m trying to imagine what they feel on their side of things and how empowered they’ll feel and how good of friends they will be to other people and how valuable of an employee they will be to someone. And just the quality of life, I think that’s a term that’s used often, especially at the end of life, was their quality of life. But I feel like I think they’ll be set up for this quality of life in this spectrum that some people never even register on.
0:26:13 – (Terry): And it’s not about comparing them to other people, but in some ways it is. Because you’re like, if they can do that, then they can do that for their kids, or they can help their friends have a better quality of life. They can help everybody around them have a better quality of life. So I think as we commit in our ways in these very forming times, I mean, there’s so many things being formed, I can only imagine what they’re going to do in their adult life with, this is their baseline, this is their foundation.
0:26:53 – (Terry): And the world will come at them with lots of problems and lots know things. It’s not that everything’s going to go your way, but visioning this idea. Know, vision. Know. We were even just watching that video yesterday with the surfer Koa Smith, and he said something that stuck with, said, you know, most people, and we spend so much time worrying about what might happen, he’s like, what would it look like if I just thought about what I want to happen, what I want the day to be like, what I want to have happen?
0:27:36 – (Terry): It doesn’t mean that. That means, like, here’s my wish. My wish is going to come true. But he’s like, why would I focus on what I don’t want to have happen? Why wouldn’t I just spend time thinking about what I do want to have happen? And so I think that feds so beautifully into the language that we speak in our home. And I’m so glad our son got to hear that guy say that. And I’m so glad that guy also has a course that our son’s going to be exposed to. But yeah, I mean, a great man once said, I have come. That they may have life and have it to the full.
0:28:16 – (Wendy): Yeah.
0:28:19 – (Terry): First name starts with J. Jesus, I love it.
0:28:23 – (Wendy): Yeah. That’s beautiful tea. It makes me think of this idea of like, why would we focus more on what we don’t want and be fearful over what we want? But that is our pattern in our culture. That is what has developed, right? Most of us have to learn as adults how to do that. Like, how to vision what we want and constantly be focused on imagining what we want for our kids. When it comes to behaviors, life skills, relationship conflict, negotiation, all the things, it’s just culturally become part of us. For most humans to be more based in fear of like, uhoh, what’s going to happen?
0:29:12 – (Wendy): They’re going to get kicked out of preschool. This is not good. We’re going to get divorced. No one’s going to like them, right? We just had someone we love we heard on stage a few weeks ago, maybe you weren’t there. But just talking about a two year old and the idea of him not knowing how to keep his hands to himself yet when he’s pushing his little playmates. And right away, the knee jerk was to make sure he knew how no one was going to like him when he grew up.
0:29:45 – (Wendy): He was going to have no friends. You can’t do that. This is what’s going to happen to you. It’s like we just culturally have settled into a society of fear and worry and self doubt. And so it also makes me think about a church. This morning we had a beautiful sermon just on. Our pastor has been doing like, a ten commandment sermon, and this one was on number nine on thou shalt not give false witness. And it was just really cool to hear him riff on just how much the enemy will get into your head and make you doubt yourself and all the things like, the thoughts of, like, I don’t have what it takes, or you’ve messed up too many times. Especially for so many parents who are really trying to get out of the autocratic parenting model into a different firm and kind, connection based model.
0:30:42 – (Wendy): There’s just so many negative thoughts that come into our head. And this goes with anything. If you’re trying a new thing or if you were just talking about how you heard on a podcast, and we saw it on Sunday morning, this morning, just how common it is for us all to think, man, if someone were to find out, I think, was it Kevin, what’s his name?
0:31:01 – (Terry): Kevin James.
0:31:02 – (Wendy): Kevin James, the comedian. This morning he said it’s basically talking about imposter syndrome. If somebody were to find, like, if God. But did he say it was God? If God were to say, tomorrow, God.
0:31:12 – (Terry): Tapped him on the shoulder and said, okay, that’s it. They found out. He would be like, oh, okay.
0:31:18 – (Wendy): They found out, like, you’re a fake. You’re not deserving of this.
0:31:22 – (Terry): Yeah. Like, this whole career and tv stardom. They figured out you’re not really that good.
0:31:29 – (Wendy): You’re not that good. Yeah. So you need to just move aside. That’s imposter syndrome. Right? Like, these thoughts. So it’s like self doubt and worrying about the future and fear and all these things. And so I get it. I’m down. The enemy is gnarly. The darkness, the dark energy is, like, insane. And he knows what he’s doing for sure. And I am so freaking passionate about helping people understand that if the world were to change its freaking parenting model, adults would not live this reality.
0:32:03 – (Wendy): It’s just like, the way we do things every time you have a child that misbehaves, you don’t assume disintegrity in them. They’re not out to get you. They’re not trying to be a pain in the ass. They’re not just pushing your buttons because they think it’s funny. They are trying to get their needs met. You can always assume integrity in a kid and help them understand there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just trying to get your need met.
0:32:34 – (Wendy): You are just battling temptation. You are just learning the life skill of self regulation. You are just learning what it looks like to have healthy, peaceful conflict resolution and hold space for someone that disagrees with you. I will teach you how. But the standard way of parenting has always been and still is to this day. What is wrong with you? You will pay the price. You are being bad. Something’s wrong with you and I will not allow you to behave like that.
0:33:06 – (Wendy): And it just creates, in my opinion, this culture of like, you grow up and you become an adult and it’s so easy to doubt yourself because so many years when you made a mistake, it was like, whether your parents practice corporal discipline or not, most of us, we got put in our place. When you’re bad, you get a punishment. You either get sent to your room or at least lectured. It’s just not the norm that children for the last few decades and few hundred years were taught like, hey, you made a mistake, there’s nothing wrong with you.
0:33:49 – (Wendy): This is probably why you did it. And that doesn’t fly in our home or our society. And I will teach you how to do it in a different way. Get your needs met, process your emotions, communicate what you want, all the things. But I’ll teach you how to do it in a way that respects yourself and others. Do you know what I mean? It’s no wonder to me that we’ve ended up with a society where everyone is so like on the inside. I realize in my mid forty? S and you listen to a podcast where you’ve told me so many of the stars that you listen to on smart list podcast, they all say the same thing.
0:34:30 – (Wendy): They just have such struggles believing in themselves. They worry a lot. They’re fearful about the rug getting pulled out from under them. What if someone finds out? I’m really not that good. Don’t you think that this could all change if we could just change the parenting model? Because you see how we do it in our house, mistakes don’t get shamed. They’re just a part of life.
0:34:55 – (Terry): Yeah, well, I think taking it full circle back to the topic, the benefit of long term vision casting to reach full mastery with positive parenting. So anybody that plays sports, that’s listening and not that this is only for the dads, but the vision casting, the fishing analogy, there’s female fisher women for sure, listening, I’m sure there’s huge segment. But when you cast that net or you cast the rod, what are you visioning? You’re going to pull in a fish, right?
0:35:39 – (Wendy): That’s a good example, yeah.
0:35:41 – (Terry): And then also when you’re learning something new in a sport, you’re visioning what is the best case scenario for you to, whether it’s catch the ball, hit the ball, land the trick, ride away from what you’re trying to do depending on what your sport is, but get the time that you’re supposed to make the split if you’re doing timed sports. And I think that’s kind of a no brainer in sports, it’s very accepted that you would just be like, of course you’re going to envision the positive outcome, but for some reason, culturally, we don’t bring up our kids in that way. We’re not. Culturally, I think, kind of brought together with that same kind of long term visioning for ourselves because it’s taught, no, the world’s a scary place and you should be scared and you should be scared of mom and dad, or you should be scared of this, or you should be.
0:36:50 – (Terry): And a lot of times people use that scared of God so much. So this is definitely a flip of a switch to say, hey, let’s lean into, of course you’re going to experience fear in your life. Fear is not a bad thing. But let’s put it to the side for a second. When we’re thinking about this legacy and this living life to the fullest, especially in the parenting realm and know scenario where Wendy was explaining this, towards the end of your life, how are you going to feel and how connected do you feel to your kids? How connected do you feel to your think?
0:37:35 – (Terry): And then that says, okay, right now, as these words are hitting your ears right now, you can do something to really lean into that, or you can push it off another day, or you can continue to go or another year, or you can just continue to do what the world tends to do. So we’ve chosen to go for it. We’re learning the language. We’re going, I think there’s so many things in life that I think people would be like, oh, I wish I would have learned to be fluent in that language.
0:38:19 – (Terry): In Spanish or French or whatever. I took a little bit in high school, didn’t stick with it.
0:38:26 – (Wendy): Or, man, I wish I would have forgiven that person. What do we make person?
0:38:30 – (Terry): Yeah. Or learn how to play the guitar and instrument or like, whatever. I wish I would have mastered that. I only would have done it a few minutes a day for all these years. I would have. So I think this is really just one of those times just to nudge you to say, you can do it. All it takes is those three c’s. Crabs Christmas.
0:39:02 – (Wendy): Yeah. And by the way, you guys, on March 26, I want you to join me for the free workshop I’m teaching mastering your positive parenting skills, where I’ll talk about the three c’s. But I’m also going to talk about, really what I think of as the quickening agent to expedite your mastery in positive parenting. And I’m going to reveal that in that workshop that day. So I’m going to teach it two times, morning and evening.
0:39:30 – (Wendy): So make sure you come join me. You can sign up slash masteryworkshop. So back to our conversation here, Terry. So just to be real clear, coming back, the reason why I told the story about it’s not crabs Christmas, but the reason why I was talking about the story of how culturally normative it has become. And people, I think, don’t really realize it until they’re in their start to understand it when you’re in your. But it’s like, holy smokes. I really have a lot of inner critic talk. I have a lot of self doubt. And I think we all spend so many freaking years masking it that you get to be later and you’re like, oh, I’m still safe. I can actually talk about what’s going on inside. Whereas when you’re younger, you’re like, no, I’m good. I’m fine. I’m super self confident.
0:40:25 – (Wendy): But when I think of our children and I think of them becoming adults and going off to college on their own and meeting their spouse and building families of their own, the idea that they are going to have this high self worth and confidence with humility and that they are not going to have to battle this inner critic and turmoil and impostor syndrome and the suffering that comes with that, that’s what I’m saying.
0:40:58 – (Wendy): I think it’s normalized as, like, that’s just part of being human, and that’s just what the enemy does to us. And I’m like telling you, you change the way you raise a child and you eliminate shame from your parenting? Yes. Be firm. Be freaking firm, dude. Firm boundaries, firm limits. Like, I will tell you over and over again, in our home, we have some of the strictest rules out of all the families we know. We have some lenient stuff, too.
0:41:27 – (Terry): You know, if you ask our kids, hey, would you trade for this for those other home? It was like, no, but there’s a few things that are very countercultural when it comes to phones and video games and things like that. We’ve talked about that so much. But then there’s other things that.
0:41:51 – (Wendy): We’Re very different in the ways what we’re super strict on and what we’re not. The swearing is a great example.
0:42:02 – (Terry): We don’t burn calories on molest. Taryn doesn’t swear.
0:42:06 – (Wendy): No, they don’t. Yeah, she is. But that’s an example.
0:42:14 – (Terry): Swear.
0:42:15 – (Wendy): No, you quit swearing, like, ten years ago. Girls.
0:42:19 – (Terry): Spicy girls.
0:42:21 – (Wendy): But my point is, we are changing.
0:42:25 – (Terry): Yes. What is your point?
0:42:27 – (Wendy): No, what my point is, be firm. But if I believe, and my vision for my children is that they are not going to have to battle as hard. And that’s the way it works, right? Like, every generation that goes down, you lose a little bit of the cells in your body that retain the painful generational cycles, right? You can call it trauma b. You can call it trauma mean. I really look at some of the. I mean, Stella will have work to do because she had a few years there where we were stuck in the old school model. Like, some of the chaotic moments that still just bring tears to me, because, man, I really. I do wish they weren’t.
0:43:15 – (Wendy): Like that memory of throwing away her precious toy from the grabber. I think you were at work that day.
0:43:21 – (Terry): I remember it. I remember when she went and you were home.
0:43:25 – (Wendy): Yeah. And she was leaning over the giant trash can, screaming, crying, hyperventilating, almost falling in the trash can. And I was just like, no, that’s it. Your toys thrown away. That, to me, was like, trauma. It may sound silly, and there’s people that are like. But trust me on the nervous system. That was an example of a day or the days that I decided to hit her or spank her or whatever. It’s just like, man, I wish I could undo it. So I know she’s going to have more work to do, I believe, probably, than Taryn because she had a few years of it.
0:44:02 – (Wendy): But I know from the last 13 years that we’ve worked diligently to have her brain and her neural pathways and her nervous system, all of that. Unlearn it. I just really vision that she’s going to be set up for so much success as she gets older and she builds her career and she continues to go for this beach volleyball scholarship. I mean, you talk about providing or building a legacy where you go all the way in to reach mastery.
0:44:36 – (Wendy): You’re right. We do live that life. And the analogy of you and her that always go to the front row to watch shows together, it’s the cutest thing. Listeners. Terry and Stella will go up there and not go to the bathroom for like 3 hours to make sure they hold their spot to be front row for these concerts. And it’s the coolest thing we’ve seen that come out with Stella where she will go for the drumstick at the Metallica show, traveling 6000 miles across the ocean and believing that she can catch the drumstick from the drummer of Metallica. And she goes for it and she gets up there and she grabs the drumstick.
0:45:20 – (Wendy): True story.
0:45:21 – (Terry): Less visioning, right?
0:45:22 – (Wendy): Or the beach volleyball scholarship. She is our kid who will hold that vision and is learning how to cast out the worry and the fear and just really believe in herself and all the. And, and with Taryn, we know that he’s our little one that struggles with anxiety a little bit. So it’s like just doing that work. So when they’re adults, they have such confidence with humility, like humble self confidence and self worth. And I’ll just list off some of the others that are on my list of what I vision for the future of our children, our family.
0:45:57 – (Wendy): But they will be so fluent and peaceful conflict resolution.
0:46:01 – (Terry): Amen.
0:46:02 – (Wendy): That they just won’t even think about revenge behavior. They won’t even think about overpowering another human. That just won’t even be something that they think of when they get married or are building out a career. They just. Peaceful conflict resolution. That’s just what they do. They’ve done it all their life. Civil discourse, like being able to disagree with their neighbors or someone on their team or whatever, they’re like someone in their church community. But just the ability to have a conversation and have civil discourse without throwing daggers settled nervous systems where they’re not like spiking all the time thinking that they’re in danger when they think they’re in trouble, or if their boss wants to talk to them, that they’re going to get spiked because they had so many years where when mom and dad wanted to talk to them, then uhoh, look out. Like pain and suffering was coming. They’re just not going to have that. They’re going to be like, okay, my boss wants to talk to me and I have the ability to handle it if he has feedback for me, because I’m not in trouble, I’m safe and I can change.
0:47:18 – (Wendy): I have the ability to see it as a request. When criticism comes my way, I want and I vision that our children will stand up for marginalized people and oppressed people. Our journey over the last year or two now, as we have started to share more about becoming an affirming family, our children have watched us do that, and I believe that they are really understanding what it looks like to not be silent.
0:47:49 – (Wendy): And so that’s a big deal to me. I think about that for them, for the future. Healthy communication versus passive aggressiveness and nonexistence of shame. Like the emotional literacy that I envision my kids having when they’re older, of just knowing that all emotions are good, that when they feel scared, when they feel hurt, when they feel angry, and when they feel sad, it’s not a problem. Like, they have the tools, they know the positives that are on the side of each of those emotions, and they just know how to take care of themselves. I imagine them having the healthiest marriages and also just no association between pain and love.
0:48:40 – (Wendy): Just being able to hold really strong boundaries in their life and not settling for something where they are being hurt and harmed or given messages that that’s just the way it is. It’s like, no, this is not the way it is. I deserve a life where I’m respected and safe. So those are some of the things I think about when the kids are older and then when I think about long term, like my legacy and what I want people to say about me when they’re saying goodbye to me. My last days is just that.
0:49:18 – (Wendy): When we go to the beach, I feel like we always say, let’s leave it cleaner than when we came. That’s the concept I always have when we go to the beach. So it’s like I’m always trying to put just a few pieces of trash in the backpack or whatever. Let’s just leave it better than when we came. And that’s kind of one of the overarching things I would love for people to say about me, whether it’s my kids or our community.
0:49:47 – (Wendy): Our world is like, mom really worked and was dedicated and committed to making this place better than it was when she came into it. How about you? What do you want people to say about you when you are.
0:50:04 – (Terry): That’s too good, man. Come on, man. I could do better than that, no.
0:50:11 – (Wendy): You’Re going to have a good one.
0:50:17 – (Terry): I think I, you know, I think I hopefully am giving the kids a good example of what it looks like to be able to dream and apply that within this world, to be committed and strong, but also to not pass up a moment, to really just bask in the joy of today and the small moments. Just try to have some, you know, some fun while still making the most of this one awesome opportunity that you have here. So I think this balance that it’s like you can do both of those things, that you can make, like, this huge impact, and you can make dream big and have a big imagination, but also just hysterically laugh and have fun and play that doesn’t have to go away when they’re not kids anymore, that they can play for the rest of their life.
0:51:39 – (Terry): And that they saw their dad do his best at doing that. And that they saw me, that I could walk amongst any circle of any group in any place in the world and be kind, but they could also feel safe with me, that I was strong enough and confident enough to go anywhere, to talk to anyone, to do anything, but also humble enough to help somebody when they needed to be helped, to wave to strangers, even when it’s embarrassing to them and to make unexpected friends, to not do things just because you think that that’s the way it’s to be done. And I think that there’s.
0:52:41 – (Terry): I don’t know. I think it’s a combination of things that. And I hope that they’ll be able to reflect on. I know some of it probably just assumed, oh, that’s just dad. But I think once they’re up and out in the world, they’ll realize they’re like, oh, not everybody does that. Or, oh, here’s an example of what would dad do in this situation. I think those are going to come up more and more as time goes on.
0:53:13 – (Wendy): I love that. And I know for sure that fun aspect. I mean, gosh, you said it so well of being able to be so purpose driven in your life and stand so strong the way you do, Terry, for kindness and love and cool shit and doing wonderful things and showing compassion to people and building friendships and all the things that you stand for. But to do it with fun and joy and laughter is like such a special gift that you have that I know we’ll all be saying about you. And it’s just so inspiring to be your wife because I really do try to bring that into our work and our communities. And I know when I think about these 20 parents that I will spend 2024 with in our full mastery program with intensive mentorship and support from me.
0:54:16 – (Wendy): I really aim to bring in that fun element because it’s so true. You are such a good model of going for things and having passionate standing for things and building amazing stuff, whether it’s a legacy or a career or learning a new life skill. I mean, I’ve watched you over the last 15 years develop out your photography and creative direction abilities just like no other. Your dedication has been incredible, but you just always bring in fun.
0:54:49 – (Wendy): You always bring in laughter. And in parenting, we have to laugh at ourselves. We have to be willing to just not be so serious all the time. And remember that you can still have fun even when you’re talking about breaking through, limiting beliefs or looking at fears that are keeping you stuck in just wishy washy land or that are the reason why you keep reverting back to punishment. I really do try to bring in so much laughter to our community and I know it’s because of you. So I love you.
0:55:21 – (Wendy): And yeah, thinking about this program again, you guys, if you haven’t joined the waitlist yet, I’ve been talking about it a lot and it is our full.
0:55:32 – (Terry): Where can they find the waitlist?
0:55:34 – (Wendy): I know our full support program. Our full mastery program. It’s opening in April and it’ll be a seven month intensive mentorship program. This is my highest level of support that I do, and I just do this program once a year and so you can learn more at freshstartfamilyonline.com/Fullmastery but I can’t encourage you enough to check it out because when you are together with a very small cohort of people and you become committed to learning and growing and expanding your heart and strengthening your family and also being an advocate and a beacon for this light out in the world, it’s just wild how the future trajectory of your life can really pivot and change, and it just is just such a great opportunity.
0:56:24 – (Wendy): If you’ve ever wanted a deeper level of learning and mentorship with me, this is your ticket to that. So freshstartfamilyonline.com/fullmastery is that waitlist. And then on March 26, I’ll be hosting the workshop. Master your positive parenting skills so you can learn more about that one. Freshstartfamilyonline.com/masteryworkshop all right. T. Well, thank you so much for being here today with me, babe, to talk about the benefit of long term vision casting to reach full mastery with positive parenting you know it.