In this endearing episode, Wendy welcomes Becky Dean, an inspiring member of the Fresh Start Family Experience, to discuss her remarkable parenting journey to go from frazzled to fabulous! 

Wendy acknowledges Becky for her exceptional growth over the years, particularly in handling her strong-willed kids with patience and positivity. Becky shares her initial struggles with traditional parenting techniques and her transformative experience after joining Fresh Start Family.

Listeners will find Becky’s story relatable, especially her challenges with managing a strong-willed child with stories of how her eldest tested her patience and pushed her toward finding better parenting strategies. 

Becky elaborates on her journey of learning to set boundaries confidently, practicing self-compassion, and viewing her child’s behaviors through a lens of understanding rather than frustration. 

This episode provides valuable insights into detachment, self-compassion, and constructive communication with children, making it a must-listen for parents seeking effective, positive parenting methods & growth in their homes! 

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Episode Highlights:

• Embracing the Journey of Growth: Learning to approach parenting as an evolving journey that requires continuous learning and adaptation.
• Importance of Setting Boundaries: Understanding the value of confident and firm boundary-setting while maintaining empathy and connection.
• Self-Compassion and Personal Growth: The critical role of self-compassion in personal improvement and its positive impact on parenting dynamics.
• Effective Communication Strategies: Techniques to effectively communicate with strong-willed children and manage their big emotions.
• Building a Supportive Community: The benefits of being part of a supportive community like Fresh Start Family for continuous learning and encouragement.

Resources Mentioned:

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Not able to listen or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!

0:00:02 – (Wendy): Well, hey there, families. Welcome back to a new episode. I’m so excited to welcome Miss Becky Dean, one of our cherished fresh start experience members, to the show. Welcome, Becky.

0:00:13 – (Becky): Good morning, Wendy. Thank you.

0:00:15 – (Wendy): I’m so excited to be here with you. Becky, I have enjoyed so much getting to know you over the last few years and supporting you and watching you step into such an incredible amount of growth. And I think you’ve kind of fallen in love with this work and found joy in the journey of learning and expanding and growing. Would you agree? Do you feel like you’ve fallen in love with the journey?

0:00:41 – (Becky): Yeah, I would definitely agree. I’ve always loved learning, and I. Yeah, I just. This just felt so right to me. And I have it in my head somewhere like this work, no matter what I do in the future, it’s always gonna, like, I’m always gonna come back to it or it’s gonna be in my life somehow, so.

0:00:55 – (Wendy): Absolutely. And tell me, Becky, remind me, how did you find me and fresh start family? Remember?

0:01:01 – (Becky): Yeah, I found it was like, 2021. And I heard your podcast probably just recommended from another podcast. And so I listened to a couple episodes of podcasts, and then you had a free. Some sort of free online thing, which I’d never even done before, like a workshop in that december. And then I. And then I don’t. Okay. And then I bought your. The course, the main course I’m blanking on, it’s called right now and then. Course, yes, the foundations course. And it came with a month free in the bonfire.

0:01:31 – (Becky): And I remember when I first got, I was like, well, I probably won’t use that. Cause I don’t really like Facebook. And here I am two and a half years later, still in it. That’s my favorite part. And so, yeah, still listen to the podcast. Still. Yeah, just my favorite thing.

0:01:45 – (Wendy): Ah. So. So cool. And. Okay, so let’s. And remind us how old your boys are.

0:01:51 – (Becky): So, three boys, right? Yes, three boys. Jensen’s ten, Grayson is seven, and Roman is going to be three next month.

0:01:58 – (Wendy): Oh, my goodness. He’s going to be three.

0:02:00 – (Becky): Wow.

0:02:01 – (Wendy): And you live in Idaho, right?

0:02:04 – (Becky): Yes.

0:02:05 – (Wendy): Ok. Amazing. Ok, so talk. Tell me this, Becky. When before you found fresh start family and you said yes to stepping into this. This work and learning and this kind of education and coaching, what were some of the pain points that you could really feel as a mom that were just like, uh huh, this is hard, or this is stressful, or this doesn’t feel right and that caused you to, like, finally, you know, kind of say yes. All right, I’m ready to get supported. What were those biggest pain points for you?

0:02:34 – (Becky): Oh, my gosh. I kind of feel anxiety just remembering those days, but my oldest, he’s a power kiddo through and through, and I had no idea. I didn’t know what a power kiddo was. I had no idea. And I just thought, you have kids and you. They obey you and you do timeouts, and it’s fine. But he, since he was little, just, um. We tried everything. Everything was a fight. Everything was a struggle. Anything that should be fun, you thought, like, let’s go to the park. Was not. Was not fun.

0:03:02 – (Becky): We were screaming at each other, like, I’d put him in his room and take away toys, and there was just our house. It was just. I just. Something had to change with us and our family, and I tried, you know, I felt like I tried everything. I tried the John Roseman method with, you know, because I said so, and take away toys, take away screen time, and nothing. Nothing worked. And so.

0:03:24 – (Wendy): Yeah. So that’s. Is that Jensen, your oldest?

0:03:27 – (Becky): Yes.

0:03:27 – (Wendy): Okay. And he’s. He was.

0:03:29 – (Becky): Was he seven or he probably, let’s see, 2021. Yeah, he was seven around.

0:03:36 – (Wendy): Around then. Okay.

0:03:37 – (Becky): Yeah.

0:03:37 – (Wendy): And so your little guy that would have made your little guy just like, just after the third, your third child was born. Like, did you feel. Did you feel the heaviness of that transition? Like, bringing a third in with the strong willed child at the top?

0:03:51 – (Becky): Oh, yes. Yeah. Yep. I remember being postpartum with Roman, the youngest, and just like, Jensen and I just go, you know, every morning before school was a struggle. Every day after school, I just, you know, we tried to tiptoe, not to make, don’t make him mad or, you know, set him off or whatever. So, yes, that’s.

0:04:08 – (Wendy): I love that, that you just mentioned that, that, like, the tiptoe. I remember that so clearly. The feeling of walking on eggshells is how I used to say it was like, something is gonna set my little strong willed girl off. And just that feeling of everything just seeming so difficult. Yes. And, like, you know, we just got through a week of unfrazzled as we’re recording this, and it’s like, I really did feel like my nervous system was so frazzled all the time because of this relationship with that little strong willed one that I had. So I feel that, you know, when you said walking on your tiptoes, it’s such a great way to kind of put that into words.

0:04:50 – (Becky): Yeah.

0:04:51 – (Wendy): First.

0:04:51 – (Becky): Yeah. It’s like, you know, what’s he gonna. What’s the response gonna be when he wakes up this morning or, you know, right before bed? Just. Just. Yeah.

0:04:58 – (Wendy): Yeah, yeah. There was a season where Stella used to wake up out of naps, and it was like, one day would be like, she’d wake up happy, and she was probably, like, four at the time, or three and a half. And other days it would be like, oh, my gosh. Get her arms juice. What is going on? Like, it was. Just felt like the world was gonna end because it was such an intense reaction just to the wake up.

0:05:23 – (Becky): Yeah.

0:05:24 – (Wendy): You know? Oh, okay. Well, okay, so. And what was the feeling inside of you, if you think back to that time, of, like, if you had to put it more into, like, feelings that you were feeling inside as a mom?

0:05:39 – (Becky): Probably. Like, probably some resentment. Like, this shouldn’t be this hard. Or, like. And, like, I felt jealous. I still do sometimes of, like, you know, you see, well, other people’s kids just go to the park and have fun. Like, why. Why can’t our family be like other families and just enjoy our time together? Like, it just. It. It probably wasn’t always like that, but it felt like it. And looking back, it felt like it, so.

0:06:04 – (Becky): Yeah. And I felt bad too. I’m sure. I know I felt bad, like, you know, sad that that’s how our relationship was and that, you know, it shouldn’t be like that. I wanted to enjoy my kids.

0:06:16 – (Wendy): Yeah. And so let’s talk about that for us a minute here about, like, the ability to see, especially Jensen, in a different light. Now, will you talk a little bit about how different that is for you now? Like, the way you see him, the way you engage, like, how is life different now, especially with him? And really, in any way, how is it different now than it used to be? Gianna?

0:06:40 – (Becky): Oh, I got, like, goosebumps when you said that because it’s so different. Like, don’t get me wrong. We have our days. Like, we still get. Yeah, we have our days. We still scream at each other sometimes, and he, you know, talks disrespectfully to me, it doesn’t change, but it’s just. I just see him in such a different way. Like, he’s just trying to get what he wants. Like, he’s so. He knows. Like, he just knows what he wants. And I don’t have that. Like, that’s not my personality. So it’s.

0:07:06 – (Becky): It was hard for me to see that, but I. I do now in my, you know, my good moment or most of the time. And, yeah, I just see him. And I just see him trying to get what he wants, and he’s just. He’s learning how to get what he wants without being a stinker or, you know, a bulldozer. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And he’s not. And you know, those days sometimes I’m like, man, it must be. I don’t know if this is a healthy thought or not, but I’m like, man, it must be frustrating, I guess, to, like, know exactly what you want and just feel like you’re stifled at every corner. And so I.

0:07:40 – (Becky): So now I just. I always try to work things out with him. I. And he’ll get upset if I tell him. I try not to tell him no, because we know that’s, like, not just come right out and say no. It’s not like we let him have free reign. But I. Yeah, right away, he’ll get upset or say no, and then I’m like, okay. Hey, I always say we can. We can always work things out, Jensen. Like, we can, you know, we can always work it out. And that’s still his immediate response to everything is no, no, no. But I don’t take that personally anymore. And I don’t.

0:08:06 – (Becky): I just know that’s just, like, his reaction. That’s just his response. And it’s.

0:08:11 – (Wendy): It’s so true, right? Like, the true strong willed kids, they really like, again, Stella’s 17 now, and I know what you mean by they still say no all the time. Right? Like, the knee jerk reaction is often one of resistance.

0:08:26 – (Becky): Yes.

0:08:27 – (Wendy): And I love what you mentioned about how it’s just. It’s not the problem anymore. Right? So it’s. There’s such power in when we change the way we see that is not a problem. But just this is the reality, right? Like, we are raising a future leader and we don’t. We don’t know what they’re going to grow up to be. Right. I mean, I now am starting to get a glimpse into what that looks like with Stella. Right? I mean, as far as watching her go after this beach volleyball scholarship, that’s my dad.

0:09:02 – (Wendy): He’s getting some wood. But to watch her with tenacity go after this beach volleyball scholarship, that, you know, that, like, I can just tell. Like, my other little kiddo, he’s. I have a feeling that’s not going to be in his cards, right? Like, he just. His personality is so different. But Stella is, like, so good at not taking no for an answer that she, like, we’ll see what happens, right? Like, she has these big schools that are her top number one and two. And even if she ends up at her 3rd, 4th, 5th choice, I think it’s still going to be the biggest accomplishment ever. But, like, it’s just that special wiring that when you learn to see it in a different light, then your nervous system starts to relax and you’re just able to enjoy your days with them. Right. Because, like, you, like you mentioned, like, you know.

0:09:51 – (Wendy): Yes, the, the relationship changes, the landscape. Our days changes, but they’re not, they’re not going to change as far as, like, their gusto to do what they want and fight. They really, they’re really just good at fighting for what they want. Right. Which is, you know, it’s just so easy to judge that and condemn it and be like, why can’t you just be easier and change and all these things? But then that, in the end, that ends up robbing us.

0:10:19 – (Becky): Right?

0:10:19 – (Wendy): Like, that steals our joy. It steals those moments of connection.

0:10:23 – (Becky): So, yeah, that’s not, yeah, that’s not who they are. And I think so. I’m sure. I know that something you said one time or probably multiple times helped me a lot is that, like, it’s, you shouldn’t be surprised when there’s pushback. Like, and I think that hold me back with Jensen for a long time is because I kept saying, like, why is he still pushing back? He’s still pushing back. And now I’m, like, in my mind, I’m like, well, Becky, he’s always gonna push back. That’s just personality. So, like, that’s just, yeah, that’s just, he’s always gonna, like, why am I surprised that he’s fighting for ten more minutes of video games or this or later?

0:10:54 – (Becky): He’s always going to. And it’s just strengthened my skills of, like, detaching and, you know, working out our or, you know, staying strong to my boundaries when I need to. And we always, like, we always compromise. There’s so much. And, like, sometimes I know you coached me on this not long ago. I start to question myself. I’m like, well, am I, like, just giving in? Like, when I, when we negotiate or do win wins, but I’m like, am I just being a pushover? But I’m, I’m not, like, I could, I know some from the outside sometimes it might look like that, but we work it out and it’s, he feels respected and he gets his power bucket filled and, yeah, he might stay up five extra minutes then in my head, like, I wanted him to be in bed at this time, but, like, you know, we go to bed without screaming at each other. And, and that’s more real world because in.

0:11:37 – (Becky): Yeah, in what, what adult just gets told, hey, do this and then you just do it right away? I mean, in some instances, yeah. But no, it’s. You have to learn how to problem solve and work things out in relationships in, as we’re adults. And I didn’t, I definitely didn’t learn that when I was a kid.

0:11:54 – (Wendy): Yeah. And, yeah, I love that so much. And so, Becky, one of my favorite things about watching you over the years, there’s a few things when I watch your growth, it’s like your, the way you have so intentionally changed, like, your mindset and your willingness to catch yourself when you dip down into, like, a disempowered or a scarcity mindset or you’ve just been so willing to look at that. And now when I see you ask questions within the fresh start experience or share a success story around things that you’re learning or face a challenge because you’re so great at, like, staying engaged in the group entering the contest. So I have the honor of working with you quite often. Right in lounge chair coaching. We see it because you often win our contest because you go for it. You do that.

0:12:48 – (Wendy): But, like, it’s just been really cool to watch you change your language with, again, how you talk to yourself and how you talk to him. And I just think that’s so powerful. But will you talk to us a little bit about your journey to. Because you mentioned the permissiveness to become more confident in standing tall for your boundaries and learning to say no with confidence. And, you know, things like in being in. To endure, being able to endure the high reactions but remain confident that you’re going to stick with the no. Like, I’ve. I’ve just watched you over the years grow so much in this area.

0:13:23 – (Wendy): I was just reviewing a success story before we hopped on of you just sharing about a limit that you had followed through with him. And even though he didn’t like it and he did, his response wasn’t lovely butterflies and rainbows. You stayed strong. You kept your no. And that. That is quite different than it was a few years ago. Right. Would you say a few years ago you were definitely more likely to kind of give in and just cave in? Because the uncomfortableness of out of all that was so, like, we have a lot of families who come into this work that lean, like I did to, like more the aggressive side of, like, we overdo it with the boundaries and the limits and the, like, fricking do it or else. And then we have other parents who swing towards the more permissive side where it just feels really easier to give in.

0:14:06 – (Wendy): And that creates the permissive cycle. So. Can you speak to that for a minute?

0:14:10 – (Becky): Yeah. And I definitely say I still tend towards permissiveness. That’s a journey I’m definitely on. But I have. Yeah, I feel like in the last just six months, maybe, I’ve felt that big shift towards feeling more firm. And I’ve realized, I think I used to think that if we weren’t calm, like totally calm, and he was not yelling or screaming at me, that. Okay, know, but that, um. That we weren’t doing it right. But I’ve realized that it’s okay for him to have big reactions and it’s okay for.

0:14:43 – (Becky): It’s still okay for him to be mad when I tell him no. Or all my kids, you know, it’s okay for them. It doesn’t mean anything. And that, um. I think some. What you always say, remember what you’re. When you say no, you’re saying yes to something else. That helps a lot because. And I just know my kids, especially my power, kiddo. He. I can tell when I stick to a boundary and even if it’s like a 20 minutes, you know, takes 20 minutes to get through or more, I’m sure more like, of our. Of sticking to it. And finally.

0:15:10 – (Becky): Okay, you know, that he feels more settled. He feels settled and he feels like, you know, because it is easier sometimes in the moment just to give in. But that’s. I can tell that it doesn’t feel as good for him when I don’t stick to the limit. Because he and I know kids, they need the boundaries and they need limits and.

0:15:31 – (Wendy): Yeah, yeah. And that’s. That’s such a great. That’s actually the success story that I was reviewing before. This recording speaks directly to that. And you had mentioned that how much more connected you felt. So I’ll just read it real quick so listeners can hear it. You said, I listened to the month’s lesson yesterday morning, because every, every month, listeners, we have a different focus lesson of the month at the fresh start experience. So during this month, becky had listened to our focus lesson and she said, I’m so glad I did. I’ve been focusing on being actively firm instead of permissive with my boys. Jensen, who’s nine, was having some big reactions to a video game limit yesterday, and he ended up putting hands on me and flipping his lid, which, again, like most of us in the old world, it was like, panic.

0:16:18 – (Wendy): Oh, my gosh, kids imperfect. Now we gotta lay the hammer or whatever it may be. So she says, I stayed calm, and I was able to use a lot of wendy’s suggested verbiage about how I will teach him a different way to express his unhappiness. After he calmed down, he asked, what do I have to do to play video games? As in, let’s just get this learning over with so I can get back to my games. Becky says I held firm and told him that I didn’t have time before brother soccer practice to work it out.

0:16:45 – (Wendy): And he wouldn’t be able to play video games until we worked through what happened, so there wouldn’t be time for games that night. He was very upset, and Becky says, and I held firm before bed. We talked about what he is learning and what he can try next time. And he was so snugly and loving, like extra snuggly and affectionate. And I know it was because his little body felt settled and safe, because mom held the boundary.

0:17:13 – (Wendy): I want to remember that he has shown me over and over that he feels so much better when I’m not permissive. So beautiful. So, gosh, that was just kind of what you just spoke to there and that journey that you’re on, but speak to what that feels like now, to be able to draw close to him even when you’re doing that uncomfortable limit setting that has been that journey of growth for you.

0:17:45 – (Becky): I think it feels like, I feel like I’m being a firm, kind leader because, you know, sorry, I’m having a hard time thinking of this one.

0:17:57 – (Wendy): We can edit anything, too, so take time.

0:17:59 – (Becky): It’s like. I mean, it feels like. I think every time I hold firm, I feel it’s like exercising a muscle. Like, I feel I get through it and I’m like, oh, he’s not. I’m sure it’s a just a mental habit from the old days when I was scared, so scared of his reactions. And so when I weather another one, I’m like, I can do this. I can stay calm. And I used to be so scared of not being able to stay calm and, like, ending up reacting, but I just have to look back and I have enough proof that I can do it. And, you know, I might feel tense inside, but we. I can get through it. And it just.

0:18:39 – (Becky): And I’m. That I’m modeling that for him, too, that it’s okay for us to have, like, intense discussions or arguments or, you know, and I also, with him especially, I’m showing him unconditional love, because there’s nothing he can do or say that’s going to change how I treat him or how I, like, feel about him. And I tell him that all the time. And so it feels connecting. It definitely feels connecting, yeah.

0:19:05 – (Wendy): And I hear you say, too, that it just, like, if I can sense that you feel empowered, it’s a sense of true power. Right. When you’re able to influence this little person. I’m sure he’s getting big by this point. Right. But I love that. Okay. And I have one more question, and then I just want to hear from you, Becky, if you have something you want to share about maybe some of the biggest, maybe an area or two that you felt like is your biggest area of growth since joining the fresh start experience. But how has the self compassion piece come in for you? Because hearing that you, like so many other parents, would have moments where it’s like, we try to.

0:19:49 – (Wendy): We try to, like, calm down and we white knuckle it, right? And then all of a sudden, it’s like, boom, we fly off the handle. And before the fresh start experience and working with us, you know, how would you talk to yourself after that? And now, what does it look like? And how has that changed the game for you?

0:20:07 – (Becky): Yeah, that’s definitely one of the biggest ways that. I mean, fresh start family, you’ve honestly changed my life, because I remember when you said that. I remember going back when the baby. When Roman was in newborn and, like, screaming at the kids, like, ugh. Like, screaming at the kids during the day and then going to bed, like, crying and just telling my husband, like, I cannot believe I talked to them like that. Like, he’s agreeing with me. Like, that’s, like, you know, like, I can’t. It’s not okay that I treated them like that. Like, that’s not okay. And I would just go to bed feeling so awful. Like, this is horrible. That’s. You know, and as I’ve learned.

0:20:42 – (Becky): Well, I’ve been growing, and I’ve learned new ways, and then I also. My compassion is now my self compassion. It’s. You know, I just make mistakes now. Like, I’ve sometimes. Yeah, of course. Like, revert and I scream, you know, because sometimes I’m hangry or, you know, didn’t get enough sleep or I still care about what people think outside of us, and.

0:20:59 – (Wendy): Yeah.

0:21:00 – (Becky): But what I do now, as I wrote this down, thinking about this, is I make amends. I come back, and I. There was no discussion about it before. Like, I just screamed at the kids and then the next morning, we woke up and went about our business. And, like, now I bury it deep down.

0:21:13 – (Wendy): Don’t ever talk about it. Just act like it never happens.

0:21:16 – (Becky): Yes. And now I come back. Any little. I try to. Not always, I’m sure. Yeah, I always come back and I’m like, oh, wow. Like, that got, you know, mommy, sorry, not, you know, when I come back and I make amends, and I’m like, that wasn’t okay. Like, what happened? Like, mommy, next time I’m gonna do this and this and this and, like. And they’re so quick to forgive. They don’t even. They’re like, they’re so quick to forgive always. And they know. And I tell. That’s like, just how I talk to them is nobody’s perfect. We’re all gonna make mistakes. Everybody’s gonna scream and yell sometimes, and I don’t.

0:21:45 – (Becky): Once in a while, there’s some. I still beat myself up a little bit, but hardly at all. Like, not as much. And that’s just. That was just my way of life. Like, I think a lot of us have that negative self talk. It was just. I didn’t know there was a different way to talk to yourself or. Yeah, I didn’t even know. I was like, just how else am I going to. Do I have to beat myself up? So.

0:22:04 – (Wendy): Of course you do. Duh. Yeah. Yeah. And we talk so much, right, at the fresh start experience around how. When we’re, like, freaking pros at beating ourselves up, and we are freaking pros at beating our kids up, right? So it’s like this totally connected path of when you learn to be more compassionate with yourself and lessen the shame or eradicate the shame, then you unlock that creativity, and then you’re able to see them in a new light and think of new ways to work with them. And it just.

0:22:33 – (Wendy): Oh, it just works so much better.

0:22:36 – (Becky): Yes.

0:22:37 – (Wendy): Oh, my gosh. And I’ll ask you this, Becky. Have you seen how that has affected them in their ability to admit fault or accept teaching? I mean, I know. I think many of us are on a journey. Like, our kids often still will resist our teaching or discipline a little bit because many of us have that first few years of training where we were like, mistakes are dangerous. Now you’re going to get punished. Right? So it takes a while to unwind it. But have you seen a growth in your boys where they are more likely to just admit, whoops, I made a mistake, or at least be a little bit more open to teaching and making a different decision tomorrow.

0:23:18 – (Becky): Yeah. Oh, 100%. And especially, I would say, um, my oldest one, there’s still that little. That punishment I’m getting punished or, you know, that year of that, which, understandably, but my middle one, who’s seven, and he’s pretty much. He. I mean, he was, like, two, three maybe, when I found this work. And so he’s been raised with it pretty much, and he just. Sometimes I still find my old habits kicking in. Like, well, like, aren’t you gonna feel, like, a little bad about, like, what?

0:23:44 – (Becky): You know, like, always. But then I have to go back and remind myself, like, no, he just made a mistake. Like, he doesn’t. He doesn’t have that self shaming, which is amazing. But for some of us, I think it’s hard to even imagine life without that. And so, yeah, he just. It’s a mistake. And he’ll. Yeah, he’s my quickest to forgive, I think, too, probably because he’s. He sees it that way. Like, it’s just. You just made a mistake. It’s no big deal. Like, just, we all just take.

0:24:10 – (Wendy): Take responsibility, make amends, make a different decision tomorrow. Learn from your mistake. Like, isn’t that so cool to watch those? That’s, like, my little guy who’s almost 14. I mean, he was born into this, and you can just see it’s just so much more natural for him. I love it. Okay, well, I want to do, like, a little impromptu coaching here in a minute. If you have any questions you want to think of. And if not, that’s okay, because you are very active within the freshwood experience. So if there is something that, like, has come up for you in the last week, that you’re like, what about this, Wendy? We can just coach on it. But first, I want to ask you this.

0:24:47 – (Wendy): So what? Like, if you had to think of, like, one or two of the biggest areas that you feel like the growth has been for you, and we’ve already covered a ton so far, but what would you say, Becky? What’s at the top of your list? That you’re like, wow, I just. I’m feeling a lot better, or this has been a big shift, or I’m seeing the change.

0:25:09 – (Becky): I would definitely say, like, detachment, like, learning that our kids big feelings have nothing to do with us or even their tantrums. Don’t get me wrong. I still take them personally sometimes, but it’s like they’re just. There has nothing to do with us. They’re just having a big feeling, and I don’t have to join in and freak out also. I can just wait for them or, you know, be their calm. There’s some.

0:25:35 – (Becky): I think. I don’t know if it’s from you, the fresh start family or what. But it’s like it says it’s like calm yourself first and then, yeah. You know, be that I just butchered.

0:25:46 – (Wendy): That there’s a million of them but yeah, we all have them in our mind and we can’t necessarily like say them perfectly. But one of my favorite storm, like yes, it might be the LR Knost quote you’re thinking of which is like it’s our job to bring calm to the chaos. Like not add to it.

0:26:02 – (Becky): Yes. Yeah. Which is like now looking back it’s like who wants to be screamed at when they’re already upset and screaming? But it’s. That’s a journey for sure I think to just learn to detach but just realize that I can sit there and Jensen can, can yell at me and scream at me. You know, we’re going to go back and have teaching. It’s not like I just let him scream in my face but like it has nothing to do with me. He’s just learning how to express himself and all the things. Or my kids can not be happy about having a bedtime and it.

0:26:31 – (Becky): That’s okay. They’re allowed to have their feelings. Like, it has nothing to do with me personally. It’s not like. So the detachment has been huge and that’s. I think that’s helped. That’s obviously definitely helped. Like in my other relationships and just the real world also. Like, not the real world but you know what I mean?

0:26:50 – (Wendy): Like, yes. Outside in the world.

0:26:52 – (Becky): Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:26:54 – (Wendy): Because so many times before I think we get into this work we make somebody else’s big feelings or misbehavior mean something about us.

0:27:02 – (Becky): Yeah. Yeah.

0:27:03 – (Wendy): It’s like usually rooted in some type of fear of not being enough. Right. Like they’re flipping out there. Especially our kids. They’re flipping out. Therefore I am failing. It means some judgment about me. Like I am not enough or I’m not doing a good enough job or I should. Should know what to do right now when really it’s just a kid growing up trying to figure out this thing we call life. And when you bring that safety of like, oh, we’re safe here. And I know for me one of the most pivotal moments of growth for me was I remember when like one of the first times or two that I allowed Stella to fully get through an emotional freak out without me fixing it and feeling safe in that 10, 20, 30 minutes where I’d be on one side of the door or nursing the baby or just trying to, like, calm myself down. And I would actually believe that she was capable of calming herself down.

0:28:01 – (Wendy): And together, we were co regulating in a way we just, at the time, weren’t able to do it next to each other. We had to have a door to separate us. And then coming out and watching her and being like, you just did that and. Right. And the world is not about having to do things on your own. Like, I’m really realizing that. But at the same time, we. To break that pattern of, like, we’re gonna make you stop is so beautiful. And that’s really, like, where I think a lot of stuff got unlocked for us is when I finally broke that chain, so to speak, of, like, I’m gonna make you. Like, you’re gonna stop crying and freaking out, or I’m gonna make you.

0:28:40 – (Becky): Yeah. Yep. I feel like I’ve had a breakthrough with. With my power, kiddo. With that. Just from coaching. I mean, not too long ago, it was about, oh, whether or not I should stay with him when he’s upset and you coach me about my ten year old, and I had been leaving him alone and it was just escalating. And since then, I’ve just stayed with him and, like, sometimes he still puts hands on me and he call me names, but, like, then he’ll just melt because he knows and we go back and teach, you know, again.

0:29:09 – (Becky): But he’s feeling my unconditional love because I know that he was feeling, like, hurt when I would leave, and it was so, yeah, if I just stay there and I weather the storm and I just. It’s not always easy, but I stayed detached enough to not hurt back. And then. Then he just melts into me and. And it’s gotten less. Like, he’s. It’s gotten less since I’ve started doing that. And I’m like, well, it makes sense. I get now, looking back, I can see, like, yeah, he felt hurt because I was just ditching him and he was upset and he needed me, so.

0:29:38 – (Wendy): And it just takes time to learn those life skills. The. The, like, ending revenge misbehavior is such a beautiful, intense journey, but, like, it just often takes practice upon practice upon practice of, like, unconditional love, safety. And here’s what you can do next time we’re gonna practice it. You made a mistake. You did it again. It’s like, oops, I did it again. Oops, I did it again. Like, I. Whatever. And it’s like, all right, we’re gonna. We’re gonna do it again. Like, it is always a good time to begin again. And so I know, like, I just hold this vision of your oldest, like, being so different when he’s a teenage boy out in the world, right? Just like my son, where they will have the ability to process hurt in a way that they don’t have to hurt themselves or others. Like, that is a life skill that they will have as teenagers, where the grand majority of the world will not have that life skill, and it will be because you were brave enough to stay patient and teach him over and over and over again.

0:30:44 – (Wendy): When you feel hurt, here’s how you can take care of yourself and communicate in a way that respects yourself and others, and he will.

0:30:51 – (Becky): He will get it.

0:30:52 – (Wendy): So. I love that. Okay, well, I have one more question for you, but do you. Do you have anything you want to cover as far as coaching that’s come up over the last week that I could do a little impromptu ideas or.

0:31:05 – (Becky): Yeah, I can think of one thing. I mean, I’m sure I was just so I. You know, I’ve been working on the older two boys, like, sibling rivalry all the time, or, you know, and so this happened a couple times in the last couple days that the oldest, the middle one, will come to me and be, like, Jensen or my older brother just, like, will kind of randomly walk by and, like, hurt him. And so, like, yesterday, he has a sunburn, and so yesterday, Jensen, like, slapped him on the back when he was sitting in the chair, and I.

0:31:35 – (Becky): I feel like he’s not me. Like, he’s not necessarily being. You know, there’s a little, like, he’s.

0:31:42 – (Wendy): Not pissed in the moment. He’s not like, yes. Okay.

0:31:45 – (Becky): Yeah. They’re not like, fine, but. But then. But it still hurts the younger one, and so. And I haven’t really. I’ve just kind of comforted Grayson. I haven’t necessarily come back, and me too. Or if I. Yeah. With that one, I’m kind of like, okay, yep.

0:32:00 – (Wendy): That makes sense. Okay, so. So there’s a few things. And remind me, is your oldest your kinesthetic kid? Like, is he the one that’s, like, knowing?

0:32:11 – (Becky): I mean, no, not as much. The middle one is more kinesthetic.

0:32:14 – (Wendy): The middle one is the most kinesthetic. But, like, do your older. Remind me, do your older two ever, like, to, like, wrestle or. Yeah, so he still is, even though the Middle east is the highest kinesthetic. So usually, like, the highest kinesthetic kid in the home is probably going to be, like, usually, like, the most easily, like the, the biggest athletic one. Like, um. Like, they’re probably going to be the one that, like, steps into sports and everything they’re good at because they’re just like, they just live, breathe kinesthetic energy, right? And then the others might not be as kinesthetic, but they still are handsy. And especially with boys, right? Like, they just wrestle.

0:32:56 – (Wendy): I was, I took my 13 year olds, so my little guy and his two buddies to go go cart racing the other night, and we were hanging out the house beforehand, and then afterwards we got ice cream. And the amount of wrestling that was going down, I was just cracking up. I’m like, oh, my gosh, they’re just, that is how they are connecting and communicating. And, and then we also know that that turns into tears often, especially when it’s siblings, right? But the point is, is just kind of normalizing the communication.

0:33:26 – (Wendy): And the connection through the hands is so weird and hard to understand, but they do it right? And so the, the example of, like, walking by and just, like, slapping someone in a weird way, it’s like a mild form of connection of, like, haha, got you, right? Like, just like, when you’re wrestling, it’s like, ha ha, got you. I pinned you down, and I’m like, chokeholding you until you tap out to, like, especially young boys, they’re like, this is a form of connection, right? And so our job is to come in and teach them, okay? There’s connection that is healthy.

0:34:05 – (Wendy): And, yes, sometimes you guys are going to take it a little over the edge, right? And then. And I want to. I’m here to teach you where to draw the line and have the self control and to be able to identify when it’s getting into the unhealthy land. Like, when you have someone that’s not reacting well, that’s not responding well, that’s saying to you, this is my boundary, and I’m not cool with it. Then how do you form that life skill of listening instead of continuing to push the edge?

0:34:35 – (Wendy): That’s kind of like the life skill. And I find that these kids receive that message the best when you just normalize the heck out of the behavior. And so there’s the connection piece of just touching and slapping and wrestling and all the stuff that can be normalized of, like, hey, it makes sense. Like, I’m, you know, that makes sense. And then the other piece I like to normalize is, it also makes sense how sometimes older siblings are just bugged by little siblings.

0:35:04 – (Becky): Yes, I do.

0:35:05 – (Wendy): You know, so I remember my teacher, Susie Walton, back in the day. I would come into class and I would say, I just don’t understand why my oldest is so, like, mean to her little brother. Like, he’s like, what is going on? Like, he doesn’t do anything to her, and she just messes with him. Right. And I remember Susie, who did just such a great job of teaching me about sibling conflict, which was my Achilles heel for years and years and years, still is, like, one of my bigger, like, oh, I just wish it would go away. Right? Like, completely conflict and sibling rivalry.

0:35:39 – (Wendy): But I remember her looking at me and being like, well, Wendy, look at him. He was born, and that’s annoying because he’s adorable. He’s a great athlete. He’s the sweetest little boy on the planet. And she was like, I would be annoyed, too, that he came into the world, right? Like, I would be bugged if I was her. I would wish that he would just go back in your belly and go away. And there have been times where, like, honestly, you know, I think older siblings, if you’re being honest with them, they will often say, like, I just wish he wasn’t around.

0:36:10 – (Becky): Yeah.

0:36:11 – (Wendy): And that’s just a human thought of, like, he bugs me. He bugs me sometimes. He gets into my stuff. He wants to be in my presence. He copies me. Right? Like, and not everybody has that, but I find that a lot of older siblings have that.

0:36:24 – (Becky): Yes.

0:36:25 – (Wendy): And so then you get to bring in the conversation of normalization of, like, hey, look, do you know that, like, you are not crazy for being bugged by your little brother? Like, it makes total sense. I know that there’s things that he does that I do see, and there’s things that he does that I don’t see that probably bug the heck out of you. And there’s times when you just. You just want to kind of, like, ping him just. Just to, like, kind of exert some of that, like, annoyance. And I’m here to tell you that that’s going to create more problems for you in the long run. And.

0:36:56 – (Wendy): And I’m just not okay with it.

0:36:58 – (Becky): Yeah.

0:36:59 – (Wendy): You know? Like, and if you guys want to connect and if you want to do whatever, then here’s the boundary. And I really, like, I want to help you develop your self control to be able to listen to him when he says that and then just helping kids understand. Like, I mean, it sounds cheesy, but always bringing it back to, like, just think about how that would feel if it was you. Right. So if you were sitting there and he just walked by and smacked you and you had a sunburn, like, you would probably be pretty mad. Right.

0:37:33 – (Wendy): And so in the end, I think these strong willed ones especially, they really resonate with how does it affect them.

0:37:39 – (Becky): Yeah.

0:37:40 – (Wendy): So it’s going to cause you more problems in the long run. So when you do that, it might seem silly and funny and not a big deal to you, but the chances are you’re now going to have to deal with the wrath of your little brother and that’s going to cause problems for you. And then you might end up getting smacked in a different area. So it’s like. But they often will. They won’t really respond that well until you bring in, this is how it affects you more than this is just wrong.

0:38:08 – (Wendy): Like, this is just wrong and I won’t allow it. They often zone out a little bit. But when you bring in, I want to help you get what you want and I know you want to have fun. You want to laugh, you want to play your games and giggle and feel close to your brother and like you’re not in danger of getting hurt by him. And here’s how you get that. You learn to connect and communicate in ways that are different than putting your hands on him.

0:38:33 – (Wendy): Does that help at all, Becky?

0:38:34 – (Becky): Yeah, it does. Yeah, it definitely does because, yeah, you’re right. Like, I knew he wasn’t doing necessarily meanly and they are, they’re always pushing and shoving like, and I’m always kind of like, like watching. But it’s just fun. That’s just what they do for them. So that, that definitely makes sense. Yeah. And we are working on like learning to listen to people when they say stop, like, you know he doesn’t want to do that.

0:38:53 – (Becky): Yeah. But, yeah, that makes it. Especially the part about making it how it affects him because that would be that.

0:38:59 – (Wendy): Yeah.

0:38:59 – (Becky): Sounds like Jensen.

0:39:01 – (Wendy): Yeah. I’ve seen it over and over again with my oldest is when I turn the conversation to like, it is not okay to treat people like that. It should just a loser.

0:39:10 – (Becky): Yeah.

0:39:11 – (Wendy): But when I’m like, hey, you know, like this, this is how it’s going to affect you and this is how you’re going to get what you want way easier when you lead and model what you want like him. Because it’s just going to come right back.

0:39:27 – (Becky): Yeah.

0:39:27 – (Wendy): Like a friggin, what is that thing called from Australia? A boomerang. It is like a straight boomerang.

0:39:36 – (Becky): Do you think it feels like I want to. When you say that, I think of saying, like, if you want him, like, you’re gonna want him to, like, play a game with you later, and he might not want to if you hit him, does that feel okay? Or is that really. I like that okay?

0:39:51 – (Wendy): Exactly. Because it’s different, Becky. It’s like, so I’ve heard someone that I love so much, but they. It’s like they actually preach this. It was like, during. What’s it called? A sermon. And it was like. And he goes, I told my little guy that if you keep acting like that, no one is gonna be your friend.

0:40:10 – (Becky): Yeah.

0:40:10 – (Wendy): Nobody is gonna like you. And so that’s different than saying, hey, just a heads up that there is a chance that when you treat people like that, they might not want to come over and play like, it’s a very different tone. Right?

0:40:24 – (Becky): It is.

0:40:24 – (Wendy): Yeah. Of, like, just a heads up here. And we call that future casting.

0:40:28 – (Becky): Right.

0:40:28 – (Wendy): Like, it’s like, I want to help you understand what the long term results are, because when you’re a kid, you often can’t see the long term results. Right. But it’s. It’s less like, it’s. It’s so. You know, because you’ve been through freedom to be that. It’s so much in the tone.

0:40:43 – (Becky): Right.

0:40:43 – (Wendy): The intention of, like, let me help you see the. What the result is.

0:40:47 – (Becky): So. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, I do, too.

0:40:51 – (Wendy): Awesome. Yeah. Okay, well, you’re welcome. And let’s end with this question. Okay. So if there is someone who is thinking about joining the fresh start experience, and they’re like, I don’t know, I barely have enough time to shower, and what if this takes too long? Or what if someone is going to, like, tell me what I’m doing is wrong or this is going to be too hard, or just any of the things that we know can flood our brain when we are thinking about doing something fantastic and changing the future trajectory of our life. But, like, what would you say to someone that is considering joining but, like, a little nervous?

0:41:28 – (Becky): Um. I mean, I know it’s going to be worth it, but I have to benefit of being ahead. Um, I would say, like, I guess if it feels like it’s going to take. There’s always time. Like, you can always find time for what’s important, and it’s like, how much time. I don’t know what everyone’s situation is, but how much time right now are you spending on timeouts or, you know, unhappiness in your family? I mean, I know that’s where we were. Like, we were just miserable. And it.

0:42:05 – (Becky): Change is always hard, and it’s always scary, but, like. And it’s. Everything’s gonna take time. So if it’s what you want to spend time doing that or, you know, listening to a podcast or. I mean, I still find time. Like, the monthly lesson pops up, and I have seasons where I’m, like, more involved and seasons where I hang back, but every time I listen to the monthly lesson, then I’m always, like, it always helps. It’s like any, you know, any, I don’t know, self help or, you know, that sort of thing. Like, you, I never walk away from, like, a coaching or a lesson or a podcast. Like, feeling, like.

0:42:43 – (Becky): Like, it’s like they say, like, you never regret the run you took or, you know, the run you went. Like, I always. I never. I’m like, I wish I hadn’t listened to that. Like, I always feel better. I always have perspective, and I. And it’s such a. The fate. The bonfire is such community. Like, I’ve made such good friends like, that I’ve never met in real life, but, like, I would like us to have, like, a reunion one day because I have.

0:43:04 – (Becky): Like, I felt so supported. I’ve never felt judged, and it is just, like, the best group. Like, I made, like, friends, like, lifelong friends. And I just say, like, you’re. Sometimes you think, especially as moms, you know, that what we do goes unnoticed. But I know just from. I wrote this in my journal the other day before I even knew I was, you know, gonna come on here that I. And I said, fresh start family’s changed my life. And I was thinking about. Because I wrote, like, all of the change in our family and home are because of, like, me.

0:43:37 – (Becky): Like, I’m not. Yes, everybody has worked and changed, but, like, I started out and I took this, spent money on this class, you know, or the initial training, and then I invested in it. It’s all been by example. Like, it’s just been me modeling, like, 100% because I never sat, like, sat the family down, was like, you guys better do this and this and this and then. Yeah, but it’s just been through modeling, and it’s.

0:44:01 – (Becky): You can make a huge difference in your family and your own future. Like, I have so much more self confidence and so much more, like, sense of my own worth because that negative self talk is just not as present, still rears its ugly head sometimes, but, like, I’m going back to college. I’m going to go to nursing school. Like, in. In two years. And I never, like, would have had, like, had the self talk, even, because I was like. No. Like, my self talk was just so horrible, you know? Like, I would never talk to someone the way I used to talk to myself and, like.

0:44:33 – (Becky): But I just. My life has just changed. Like, and I. Come join the bonfire. Like, I can’t join the club. Yeah, come join the club. I don’t even know. So.

0:44:45 – (Wendy): Oh, my gosh, Becky, that’s so rad. And are you someone who, like, does. Do you listen to lessons on the go while you’re, like, doing dishes or folding laundry or driving, like, on the way home or something? Yeah. You’re not like, a sit down, watch it notes person, right?

0:45:00 – (Becky): No, I think I did the. I’m sorry, I keep blanking course. Yes, the foundations course was more. I did more sit down and kind of take notes. But the lessons, I go to the gym, it’s my happy place, and I pop in my. My earbuds and listen to podcasts or lessons, so that’s so rad. Or the car, just for ten minutes here and there, whatever. So.

0:45:21 – (Wendy): Yes, and that’s exactly why I built it the way I did, so. Oh, my gosh, Becky, we love you so much. Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule, and I’ll let you get back to your sweet boys. But thank you again for being here. This has been such a joy to hear your story.

0:45:38 – (Becky): Well, thank you for having me, Wendy. Thank you for everything you got. You do, and you guys do. It’s just. Just life changing, for real. Bye, Wendy. Thank you. Bye.