If you’ve ever thought, “Who is this bigger, louder version of my sweet child?” — you’re not alone.
In this eye-opening conversation, Wendy and Terry Snyder sit down with therapist and teen brain expert Yshai Boussi (author of Staying Connected with Your Teen) to break down what’s really going on inside the teenage mind.
From dopamine surges to impulsivity and independence, learn why teens act the way they do — and how you can stay connected, set limits, and support them through these intense years.
Whether you’re in the teen trenches or preparing for them, this episode will leave you feeling informed, empowered, and hopeful.
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This free bundle comes with an extensive learning guide & FREE workshop with me, where I’ll teach you ways to build connection & methods to work WITH your strong willed kids instead of trying to MAKE THEM change.
You’ll learn:
*Firm & kind strategies to navigate challenging behavior with firm kindness & connection (vs. fear, force, yelling, threats & bribery)
*Ways to build connection instead of pushing your child away w/ heavy handed “hand me down parenting tactics”
*How to work WITH your kids instead of forcing them to comply or trying to MAKE them change
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Episode Highlights:
- What’s really happening in the teen brain—and why it explains so much!
- Why dopamine surges drive impulsivity, risk-taking & mood swings.
- How to stay calm & connected when your teen pushes back.
- The surprising way teens still crave your presence (even if they act like they don’t).
- Practical ways to give teens more independence without losing influence.
Resources Mentioned:
Follow Yshai on Instagram
Check out Yshai’s website
Grab a copy of his book Staying Connected with Your Teen: Polyvagal Parenting Strategies to Reduce Reactivity, Set Limits, and Build Authentic Connection
Unable to listen, or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!
Wendy:
This episode has been brought to you by our brand new quick start learning bundle called Thriving with Strong-Willed Kids. That’s designed to help you If you have ever felt like you’re failing as a parent because your strong-willed child just will not listen. If that’s you friend, I want you to understand you are not broken, you’re not doing it wrong, you’re just under supported. This brand new quick Start Learning bundle comes with both an extensive learning guide and a free interactive workshop with me where I’ll help you stop yelling, start connecting, and finally feel like yourself again. You can grab it now at Fresh Start Family Online dot com slash power.
Wendy:
And let me help you start seeing your strong-willed child as a gift, not a curse.
Yshai:
When their prefrontal cortex is online, they’re thoughtful, they’re intelligent, they’re empathetic and compassionate, they have great ideas, they can plan. Their judgment is great. And we see that in our kids and we’re like, this is fantastic. It’s amazing. And then hours later or minutes later, boom, what just happened? They’re just like a puddle of emotion and impulsivity and or they did that bonehead decision. Like what? Were like, what were you thinking moment? And we’ll tell ourselves or tell them, you’re so much smarter than this. It’s not about being smart, it’s not about being smart. It’s about their brain being still developing.
Wendy:
Welcome to the Fresh Start Family Show. I’m your host, Wendy Snyder, powerful parenting educator and family life coach. And together we are going on a journey to help you Expand your heart, learn new tools, and strengthen your family so you can build the family legacy of your dreams. I’m a mama two turned child and family advocate who went from being extremely stressed out back when my strong-willed little girl was a toddler, to now thriving as a parent and having the honor to support thousands of families each year who choose to go from frazzled and impatient to peaceful and empowered. Each week we will dive in with experts, thought leaders, authors, and advocates with insights to help you thrive in your parenting walk as well as in your marriage and even in your career.
Wendy:
And faith. Walk too together, sometimes alone. Sometimes with my better half and co-host Terry, we’ll explore the triumphs and trials we all face as parents and share practical tools to fill our hearts, minds, and souls with inspiration. Take a deep breath and get ready to be poured into with some Fresh Start. Inspiration. Let’s do this. Hello parents and welcome back. I’m so happy that you are here. Summer has officially arrived and I know so many of you are a little nervous when the summer months arrive, but I know that you are dreaming of a season filled with peace and connection and maybe even some fun with your kids instead of stress conflict or constant power struggles.
Wendy:
And that is why I am excited to welcome today’s guest. His name is Yshai Busi. He is a family therapist who’s been helping teens, young adults, and parents for over 20 years. He is the author of Staying Connected with Your Teen Polyvagal Parenting Strategies to Reduce Reactivity, set Limits, and Build Authentic Connection. And today he came on the show to help us understand what’s really going on in the teen brain. We’re gonna break down what he likes to call The Teen Brain Cocktail. That mix of big Dopamine spikes and impulsivity that can leave parents feeling overwhelmed and teens feeling misunderstood.
Wendy:
So this episode is for you If you have a teen now or If you will have teens one day. Because no matter where you are in your parenting journey at this point, I trust me, this wisdom will help you build a foundation for connection, courage, and compassion. So If you want this summer to be one of understanding from kindness and deeper connection with your kids, you are in the right place. So let’s dive in and learn together how to see our teens with fresh eyes and guide them with love. Help me welcome Yshai to the show.
Wendy:
Well, hello families and welcome back. We’re so happy to have you here today and Terri and I are thrilled to be speaking with Yshai Busi. Welcome to the show, Yshai. Thanks
Terry:
For having me. Great to be here.
Wendy:
Yeah, today families, we are going to be talking about The Teen Brain Cocktail, Dopamine and impulsivity explained and I have been so excited for this interview for a while, Yshai, I know we had to reschedule a few times ’cause I know we’re both doing great work in the world and busy schedule. So thank you for being patient and having flexibility with us. But we are excited to be here today because we have two teenagers. We are officially teenage land and you are the pro when it comes to understanding their brains. And Terry and I definitely have been looking at each other after. I feel like being in like a, a really good rhythm for years.
Wendy:
And now we’re kind of like, Ooh, we’re in a surge here. Like our little easygoing guy, he’s definitely in a power surge. We can feel it. We’re like, wow, you know, like he’s really pushing back on some stuff. And of course like every family across the world,
Terry:
He’s a larger human being now too. So I look at him a little differently too. But yeah,
Wendy:
He’s almost as tall as Terry. He’s now wearing Terry’s clothes. Is his foot as big as your foot now or
Terry:
No, basically, yeah, he wears the same size shoe shoe. He is almost as tall as me and the clothes too. Some of ’em he hasn’t even asked. He just comes down and I’m like, oh, so we’re, you’re just taking that, I mean, in some ways I’m flattered. It’s like when he’s like, he’s wearing your clothes, that means you’re still pretty cool. I’m like, yeah, but he didn’t ask and he just took those like, so it’s gone now. But yeah.
Wendy:
And then our strong-willed girl has always been in a power surge stage of life and she’s actually, I feel like she’s coming off the like rainbow hump a little bit and becoming a little bit more, a lot more mature and yeah. But anyways, we are full teen land and I have been intrigued with your work for a long time to understand really how the teen brain works. And I know we have so many students who obviously are in that second decade of life with their kids. And so we’re excited to have this conversation today. But will you start us off by just telling us a little bit more about your story and your practice up in Portland and what you are passionate about and how you got to this point?
Yshai:
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And that is just so real. I, I am also the parent. I have a 16-year-old daughter. She just turned 16 and a 12-year-old son. And he’s getting there as well in terms of size and just like, just that shift. It really is a new era, a different, a different playbook from the little, little kid version. So looking forward to talking about that. How did I get into this? I, I get, you know, I didn’t grow up thinking I would do this kind of work. So as a family therapist, I worked primarily with teens, young adults, parents and families. And I also do workshops and, and, and a lot of, a lot of different things with parents, a lot of work with parents and with young folks. And I’ve been doing it for a long time.
Yshai:
I found my, I was actually a business major at college, in college and thought I would go that route. And then I volunteered as a mentor in my early twenties with an at-risk youth program with 13 year olds. And it was a year long commitment. It was really involved, really intensive. And I just really loved it. And I was, I seemed to connect well with the youth. It was rewarding, it felt meaningful, important. And so then I kind of did more and more work with youth and I was just drawn to that. It’s kind of, you know, you’re kind of a weirdo If you really like teenagers. And I was one of those weirdos. I just loved them. They’re really interesting and hard and weird and complicated, but, but just lovable and fun.
Yshai:
So, so that was kind of the beginning of my journey. And then I decided I wanted to be a therapist and do some of that work with teenagers. This was maybe 25 years ago now. It’s been a long time. And this was all before I had kids and I thought I had it all figured out. I was like the best, the best parent. I knew everything about parenting until I had kids. You know how that goes, right? And then you have ’em, you’re like, whoa, this is real. This is way harder than I could have ever imagined. And so my empathy for parenting grew so much. Just having kids and then doing family therapy. I was trained as a family therapist and as you guys know, you, you just listen to parent after parent after parent their stories.
Yshai:
You can’t help but have empathy and see like, this is hard. And even when we make mistakes and we all do, the longer you’ve done this, if you’re an involved parent, you’re gonna have messed up. You’re gonna have moments that you were regret. Yeah. So there’s that understanding that this is just really hard and that young people don’t want us bashing their parents. Parents don’t wanna feel judged and criticized. Like, we need to help bridge that gap. And so that’s been really intriguing and something I’ve been really passionate, my work is, is not picking a side, but actually connecting with young people and connecting with parents. You know, I’m on everyone’s side because that’s what everyone ultimately wants. And sometimes we can get caught up in a binary of sides.
Yshai:
Like I just, yeah, parents, man, why are kids acting this way? Or kids, why are your parents doing this to you? And it’s, and so I find that important, meaningful, but also really interesting. So that’s kind of what brings me to this and, and the book I wrote, staying Connected with Your Teen, because I’m really grounded in this and this helps me too, this philosophy that at the end of the day, connection is what is gonna help build resilience for our kids. There’s a lot of other things to think about and, and, and deal with, but ultimately them feeling connected to us even when they’re older, they still need us. They still need to feel, have that relationship that’s meaningful. There’s no better way to inoculate them from all the fears we have.
Yshai:
Drugs and alcohol, mental health issues. Right? You know, healthy social and peer relationships. You, when they feel a solid connection with their parents, they’re much more likely to make better decisions and have better judgment. ’cause you know, we can’t protect them from every single risk factor in the world. It’s just they’re, it’s gonna, they’re gonna be exposed to all the things. So how do we kind of help support them and decrease the risk of them getting caught up in it. There’s no guarantees. But by being connected with our kids, that’s the best way to, to support them long term.
Wendy:
Amen. It really is. I love that. Yep. And, and the subtitle of your book is called Polyvagal Parenting Strategies to Reduce Reactivity Set Limits and Build Authentic Connection. Will you speak to us a little bit more about polyvagal parenting strategies before we kick off our conversation around The Teen Brain Cocktail?
Yshai:
Yeah, yeah. Thanks for asking. ’cause that is, that word is like, what? Wait, what does that mean? Yeah, it’s, it’s not the most accessible word, but it’s so important. Polyvagal the polyvagal theory, it’s actually very widespread right now. It’s very popular. Virtually all therapists understand what polyvagal and we use it in their work. So it’s, it’s a very evidence-based and, and not a controversial topic, but basically what it is, it’s a model that understands, that teaches us that it’s actually our nervous system that responds to our environment first, not our logic and our thinking. And so we have three states in our nervous system.
Yshai:
We’re either in a shutdown state, which is more immobilized, low energy, maybe depressed, maybe just kind of met, or we have a, we also have a sympathetic system, which is, we often talk about as fight or flight. It’s mobilized, it’s anxiety, it’s fidgetiness, it’s it’s intensity. It’s more of a energetic kind of state. And then our highest, most evolved state is when we experience regulation, when we’re grounded, we can connect, receive connection, we can think learn. So those, those three states, it’s connected from our, in our nervous system, our body. And it’s our first responder to the world. When we get to know our kids’ nervous system, some of us have kids that are a little more in a shutdown kind of state or a little more activated anxiety kind of state.
Yshai:
And some of ’em can easily, more easily get regulated. Some kids have a harder time getting regulated. We’re the same way. We can be regulated and then slip into more of an activated state, right? Or sometimes we’re just so withdrawn because we’re shut down because it’s, we’re just spent, right? And so understanding our kids’ nervous system and everything in our environment, we’re constantly on the lookout for cues of safety or cues of danger. And so everything from our tone of voice, our body language, how we communicate, what we communicate, it’s not just our words and, and our culture typically overemphasizes words or what’s often thought of as top-down processing language information.
Yshai:
And sometimes as parents we get stuck. We’re like talking, talking, talking, giving them all this information, which is good information generally, but they can’t hear any of it because their activated ’cause their nervous system is in more of a protective state. And so understanding that, so I talk about it in a very simple, easy to understand way because this stuff is, I’m really trying to get this information out there to just, to everybody. ’cause it’s helped me personally with my own kids this way of thinking, thinking about the nervous system, not just their, their brain, their logic. And it’s also helps me with my clients. So that’s what the polyvagal theory is. And then it can help us deal with, when we understand that, then it’s easier to learn how to lower reactivity and, and connect with them because our kids can’t connect with us when they’re activated or they’re shut down.
Yshai:
So we need to, how do we help them get, get them to a more regulated state and then we can apply the lessons and information.
Wendy:
That’s so awesome. Yeah, it’s so in line with the direction we’ve gone at Fresh Start Family because just about probably a year and a half ago we, we started learning more and more about nervous system regulation and now we realize that it is the first thing we wanna always be teaching our parents not just a little something. So we’re knee deep in four months of nervous system regulation and healing workshops within our membership program called the Fresh Foot Experience. But that’s just beautiful. And the reason why you call it polyvagal parenting strategies, does it have to do with the polyvagal nerve or is that just a general study, you know, broader term of anything regarding the nervous system,
Yshai:
It’s the, it’s part of the autonomic nervous system, but it is the vagus nerve. A lot of people know about that. And that is part of the autonomic nervous system. And that’s what we’re trying to activate to trigger that is sort of our break system. It slows us down and there’s a lot of informa things out there about how to like, how to activate the, stimulate the vagus nerve in the service of, of helping us get calm. And so that’s, that’s kind of what a lot of people are kind of thinking about now more than ever, which is I think is fantastic. It’s great. Sure. You guys are doing that and that’s what I’m kind of preaching more and more too. Like I said, it’s really helpful because when we can see, okay, my kids not is just regulated, so how do I help them get regulated?
Yshai:
It’s gonna become, by staying regulated myself, we underestimate the power of our own state to impact our kids. Yeah. Get so caught up in theories or ideas or maybe even consequences or carrots and sticks and all these things. And then, but we’re, if we’re disregulated, our kids literally can’t get regulated.
Wendy:
Yes. I used to always think I would do a lot of polls with our people, whether it was on Instagram or email. And I mean, thousands and thousands of people we’ve asked and, and we’ve had thousands of people through our programs and we always thought their number one biggest challenge in parenting is usually the strong-willed kid, the kid that pushes back the most. Right. We all know that those beautiful children are usually the future leaders of the world are the highest Turkey of difficulty. Right. And so we always thought for years like that was our clients, our students’ biggest pain point. And recently, I always joke that I think AI is gonna kill our world. Like, you know, eventually in a hundred years it’ll make the planet implode. But for right now, I kind of love it.
Wendy:
And so I put 800 just, we have thousands of pages of questions that we’ve compiled over the years from our paid private students. But we put one 800 page document into chat GBT and we said, Hey, can you just tell us like what is our, our students’ biggest pain point? And it came back as emotional reactivity and feeling hijacked in those moments of challenge. And we as a team just thought it was so interesting because we’ve always kind of thought that our clients really were looking to the kids as like, if these kids could just be easier and not pushed back as much and not be so difficult and like, well how can I just get them to cooperate more and listen and not be so challenging? And really we realize that our clients are just so spot on.
Wendy:
They know, they know that it is actually, if they can self-regulate first more easily and not feel so hijacked by these situations where their nervous system just, you know, goes into panic mode. Which, you know, it just makes so much sense why, especially looking at The way many of our students were raised as children. But it was just so cool to see that and to have that confirmed and to know that this conversation is so important. ’cause parents are smart and they, and they get it. Like when you tell ’em, you know, 99% of what kids learn is caught versus taught. Like yeah, there’s a little shame that a lot of parents have to work on shedding to get to that. But many of our students, they’re ready.
Wendy:
They’re like, okay, that makes sense to me, but how, how the heck do I do this because I’m always triggered, you know? So, so good.
Yshai:
That’s great. That’s a really good direction. Yeah. To focus on it. Getting rid of that.
Wendy:
Okay, well teen brain cocktail, Dopamine and impulsivity explain. So Yshai, will you talk to us about how adolescents release more Dopamine than we do, why their baseline is lower than ours. So the spike of Dopamine they get is often intense. Talk to us about that and how, why, why it’s important for us to understand that about our teens.
Yshai:
Sure, sure. Yeah. So I think people know by now, ’cause it’s, there’s a lot of talking about Dopamine. It’s the neurotransmitter in our brain that is in our reward, the reward system center of our brain. And it is released in anticipation or through the experience of pleasure, experiencing pleasure or, or even anticipating pleasure releases Dopamine. It’s a wonderful thing. You know, and there’s so many important experiences. Dopamine is what involved is involved in motivation, you know, and it’s, and just pleasure. Like we all want to need and deserve and should be able to experience pleasure, great adolescents.
Yshai:
There are a lot of things that are very unique about adolescents that are different than for children or for adults. And Dopamine is one of the key distinctions. One of a few. So like you kind of, like you alluded to, do adolescents release more Dopamine in response to experience than children or adults in studies? Their baseline is also lower. So when you think about, so Dopamine, when we experience Dopamine, that’s what’s like, there’s that enthusiasm or that excitement. And when we don’t have Dopamine, it looks like that’s why teenagers often look bored so easily, right?
Yshai:
They’re like, this is, I’m not, they’re not feeling it, they’re not engaged, right? And we’re like, but this is so interesting. This person’s talking about, you know, or this documentary or this, we’re going through a hike in nature and look, look around, it’s beautiful. It’s right. And for us it really is. But for them it’s like, okay, can we do something? Like I wanna like, you know, like I talk about, you know, we talk in our family kind of a little debate about downhill skiing versus cross country skating. Yes. Country skiing. It’s like beautiful. It’s so nice like a hike in nature, but you’re gliding and they’re like, but I want to go down hills. Like I wanna, like that’s like, I want some action, right? So this is what a lot of what we’re seeing, and it is that transition, once they hit adolescence, it’s all of a sudden they’re experiencing floods of, of Dopamine in ways that don’t often make sense.
Yshai:
And it can also, there’s a positive side too. ’cause that’s why they’re so excited about things, right? Which can also be really fun to be around teenagers, right? Like that concert or that, you know, new boba tea place that opened up or whatever the thing is. And it’s like, so for adolescents, things that are good for us are great for them. They just experience joy and pleasure more intensely. That’s cool. And so it can be an exciting thing, but it can also be, there are some things we gotta pay attention to. ’cause it can be a recipe for unsafe habits and patterns as well.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Terry:
I can still remember like a moment when I was probably, you know, just getting into my teen years. I was probably like 13 or something. And our normal, like grew up on the east coast and like we’d have a trip to the beach in the summertime, which was what I looked forward to like the most. And we would typically go to this one beach and they had all the entertainment, you know, it had the, the boardwalk, the arcade, all the rides, all the action, tons of people, all the stuff. And I just loved it. It was amazing. And then we decided that the families that we were going with were like, no, this time we’re gonna go to doer banks of North Carolina, but like off the beaten path, like, it’ll be like up away no roads, there’s horses on the beach, there’s nothing around.
Terry:
It’s gonna be so great. Terry. I literally cried. I was like, this, this sounds awful. Why in the world would we go away from the water slides and all this stuff? The
Wendy:
Arcade back before video games were on your iPad. So
Terry:
When you described the downhill skiing versus cross country skiing, I just remember being devastated. It was like, it, it was, it felt like it was like a punishment or something until we got there. And then we realized that there was a few like Dopamine hitting things to do that involved like a oversized slingshot. And I don’t even know what else we found, but there was, yeah. But yeah, I mean, gosh, I still remember exactly what that felt like.
Wendy:
That’s so funny. Well, I, I have a question about the, these Dopamine hits of pleasure. So as, as a parenting coach, we teach a lot around helping parents understand their, their kids’ core needs, the need to feel powerful, the need to belong, the need to feel valuable and loved and all these things. And so my question for you is when, so, so we have ki you know, misbehavior is often like when they’re getting that need met in an unhealthy way. So we work with a lot of parents of power kids or strong-willed children. And these kids are constantly looking to feel powerful, right? Like those of us in Apple, a lot of times it doesn’t, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, right?
Wendy:
So the parent is often very similar. But we, I, my question is, is there a Dopamine hit happening when we feel powerful? And does that question make sense? And I just wonder that when I look at like teens misbehavior and we’re gonna get next to like the immature PFC that makes them more impulsive. But is that considered a Dopamine hit when a kid gets that need to feel powerful met? Like, so for example, a healthy way of our, our almost 17-year-old right now, she’s a high level beach volleyball player going for like a D one beach volleyball scholarship. And last weekend she took second in a tournament, a college like, you know, recruiting tournament.
Wendy:
And it was insane the level, like you could just tell everyone was on fire, she was on fire. But we always look at that as our strong-willed kid getting that need to feel powerful met, like boom. And then there’s unhealthy ways where they’re like arguing or, you know, especially if parents or children aren’t in this work, like a lot of kids, they’re just arguing and they’re getting that need to feel powerful met in unhealthy ways, right? They’re showing disrespect, they’re hurting back. They’re saying you’re the worst screw you, like whatever. But like that hit, is that considered a hit a Dopamine or no?
Yshai:
I think it could be. I think it could be okay. I think Dopamine is a neutral experience. It doesn’t have to be good having power over or that rush or that, you know, sometimes that need for control can turn into something we need, you know, what we, what we really want. I mean any like, it’s people who bully. There’s like this temporary surge of like, I have control, I’m in charge, right over. Yep. And then, and then it comes crashing down, of course. So almost anything, like so many things can release Dopamine for us. And again, it can become good habits or bad habits, you know? And, and so I think it’s really important to kind of, like you said, like notice what that is and then what happens if, and then to just be curious about what’s, what’s behind that, what would happen in the absence of that?
Yshai:
Right. Well, there’s often a fear because our Dopamine receptors can get worn out if they’re used in the same way. Like anything that elicits Dopamine can become almost like addictive in a way, right? Yeah. Because that’s what addiction ultimately is, just in a very general way. It’s like this release of Dopamine and this dependence on Dopamine in a certain way, and then it just becomes a pattern and rigid and repetitive over and over and over again. And then there that Dopamine receptor gets worn down and then it becomes difficult to experience Dopamine in other contexts, in other capacities. So
Wendy:
That makes sense. So yeah, so the un so we’re constantly, I think I’m hearing this as we’re constantly trying to teach our children and ourselves and our, our nervous systems and our bodies, how to get those Dopamine spikes and healthy Dopamine in a healthy way, right? Versus the unhealthy way because we want to have those healthy addictions, right? Like the exercise and the nature and like, you know, all the achieving a goal, achieving a goal, like, you know, when you grow up like healthy sexual interaction, like these are all like great and healthy ways and then the unhealthy ways also can become addictive.
Wendy:
But we wanna stay away from those addictions obviously, because that’s not a true Dopamine hit. I’ve always tried to explain this to my little guy around, ’cause I think boys are more like the video games, right? Like they always want my little guy’s always like, please, please, please, you know, he is never been allowed to have the violent video games, but he is like, please, please, please. You know, and I’ve tried to explain to him not really having your expertise at all, but just trying to help him understand like, I want you to learn how to have healthy Dopamine instead of the, the false dopamines. And he’s always asked me, mom, why is this false Dopamine? It’s, it’s really fun to hit a level. And it’s like, what is wrong with that? You know, if, and I’m like, I don’t know, but I just know that I want you to get it in nature when you’re surfing and snowboarding and cracking up with your friends and like, it’s a lot to explain to kids, you know?
Wendy:
Right,
Yshai:
Right. And I would actually frame it differently, not like good Dopamine or false Dopamine or judging it, but more about thinking in terms of Dopamine drips versus floods.
Wendy:
Oh, okay,
Yshai:
Great. And so what, like, as, as adults, what we aim for is to like experience joy, right? Like that that hike felt that was really nice that I enjoyed that, right? Or, you know, cuddling with my partner or something, or enjoying some ice cream even, or you know, or something like this meal. It’s not an intense flood, right? But it’s like joy right there, drips that happen over time. And so yes, our kids, they’re wired for more floods and more intensity, but which is why, so the other thing piece we gotta talk about is our culture. We, yeah. Live in a, it’s, I’ve heard this referred to by Anne Lemke, who’s a psychiatrist in Stanford as she wrote a book called Dopamine Nation, which is a fantastic book If you really wanna get into this.
Yshai:
Okay. And she talks about the culture as well and calls it a Dopamine economy. If you really think about the world we’re in right now, yes, social media obviously, but even for us adults, Amazon Dopamine, right? I can buy this, I’ll get it tomorrow, right? Easy a book if there’s a, we talk, we’re talking about books here. People can have the book literally right now, like just click on it and it’s a kindle. It’ll show up in two
Wendy:
Hours.
Yshai:
In two hours, right? We can get things instantly and our kids are growing up, we know a world where that wasn’t the case where we had to be bored, we had to wait in line, we had to get a ride to go to the video store, to rent a video movie to bring it home and right. Versus now I can just stream it and get it right away. So we have to be extra mindful of making sure our kids have opportunities to practice being bored, waiting, you know, pausing, thinking things through. That’s what, it’s not that technology’s bad inherently, but it’s like they’re, it’s drawn. The designers are designing to help you feel good right now. And it does a great job of it.
Yshai:
She, she taught, I wrote this down because it’s such a great quote. She wrote in the book, the smartphone is the modern day hypodermic needle delivering digital Dopamine 24 7 for a wire generation. And so it’s, it is part of our job like to understand they are more susceptible than we are because of the intensity. That’s why, and that’s what’s nefarious about the, a lot of these companies, they, they, they know that too. And yet they’re like drilling this home. And so these kids are just more vulnerable to it. So we do need to kind of like, yeah, like you gave, like, like, yeah, you can be bored. We’re gonna go on a hike and I don’t want you to bring your phone. And yeah, they might mope they might say, this is really boring and I try to not be annoying, but about this, but when my kids say they’re bored, I, I’ll sometimes just be like, great, I’m, that’s great.
Yshai:
It’s great news. I love that you’re bored. Boredom is really important. It’s a, it’s the seed of creativity and problem solving and critical thinking. And so I don’t overdo that ’cause I don’t wanna be annoying, but I, but it is, that’s a win for me as a parent If you can hang out and be bored a little bit.
Wendy:
Oh, it’s so good. It is like the good fight that everyone’s in right now. We’re in it with ourselves. We’re in it with our kids and it’s so important. Your work is so important. All right. The second point of The Teen Brain Cocktail that we’ve, we’ve talked, you know, you’ve, you’ve talked about somewhat, but just to hit it home, an immature TFC that makes them more impulsive combined with floods of Dopamine in anticipation of experiences that might be fun, is a cocktail that sets up adolescents to screw up. I don’t know if that was your words or my,
Yshai:
We talk like
Wendy:
That
Yshai:
Screw up or whatever we wanna call it. Yes, they’ll do so
Wendy:
Yeah, talk to us about that. Like they’re, is this meeting like we just need to normalize that teens are gonna make mistakes, right? Ab
Yshai:
Absolutely. And understand when we understand this, then it’d just be, it’s easier to not take it personally. Yeah. Like that’s why I think this cocktail, it’s just a recipe that’s just asking for mistakes. And that’s, but there’s a reason evolutionary that we have this system. So the prefrontal of the PFC is the prefrontal cortex. It’s that part right behind the forehead. It’s the last part of our brain to mature. So by, by adolescence the brain is basically complete except for this last 20% that is under going through a massive renovation. It’s under construction until the mid twenties. This last part, it’s the last part. ’cause it’s the critical part for functioning as an adult.
Yshai:
It’s called executive functioning planning judgment. But it’s also how we filter emotions. Our emotional experiences go through our prefrontal cortex before they go to our limbic amygdala emotional brain. So like we have a mature prefrontal cortex. So if we experience a stressful situation in our lives, we have that filter that says, let me think through this. What was that about? How that person was kind of rude that wasn’t cool. Like, huh, okay, well here’s what I’m gonna do or I’m not gonna do. Or like I wanna send this email or say, you know, tell this person off, but like, I’m not gonna, that’s not gonna be helpful to the situation. It’s probably gonna make it worse. Or you know, I have this temptation but you know, I want to stay up late and do this, but then I’m gonna be really tired tomorrow so I’m gonna like not do that.
Yshai:
That’s all prefrontal cortex stuff, right? That keeps us in line. And we even still can slip up and make mistakes and even with mature brains. So yeah.
Wendy:
Okay, let’s talk real parenting for a moment. If your home sometimes feels more like a war zone than a peaceful sanctuary and your strong willed child feels like they’re constantly pushing back, I want you to hear this loud and clear. You are not a bad parent, you’re not broken and your child is not out to ruin your life. I know, I know. It sure seems like that sometimes, doesn’t it? You’re exhausted because you’re actually trying so hard, but you’re using hand me down parenting tools that weren’t effective back then to get long-term results and aren’t effective now. Plus the fear and force tactics that most of us inherited. Were never going to work for the beautiful, bold, determined child you’ve been gifted.
Wendy:
That’s why I created Thriving with strong-willed kids, a completely free quick start learning bundle that’s changing the game for families everywhere. Inside this bundle, I’m going to teach you how to calm power struggles without punishment or threats or yelling. I’m gonna help you communicate in ways your child actually responds to, no matter how strong-willed they are. And finally, feel empowered and responsive as a parent instead of reactive inside the free learning guide and interactive one hour workshop, I’ll help you flip the script to stop seeing your child is too much and start seeing them as exactly who they’re meant to be. Remember, you’re not failing, you just haven’t been given the right roadmap yet.
Wendy:
So you can grab your free bundle and choose your workshop time at Fresh Start Family Online dot com slash power. Let’s rewrite your parenting story together.
Yshai:
This is why this part is so important because they are going through a massive construction project with this part of their brain. So it’s unreliable. I say it’s predictably unpredictable, you know? And so what that means is when their prefrontal cortex is online, they’re thoughtful, they’re intelligent, they’re empathetic and compassionate, they have great ideas, they can plan, their judgment is great. And we see that in our kids and we’re like, this is fantastic. It’s amazing. And then hours later or minutes later, boom, what just happened? They’re just like a puddle of emotion and impulsivity and or they did that bonehead decision like what were, it’s like what were you thinking moment like?
Yshai:
You and, and we’ll tell ourselves or tell them, you’re so much smarter than this. But’s not about being smart, it’s not about being smart, it’s about their brain being still developing. And in some of those moments when you, this is that cocktail part, If you combine, they have this impulsivity because their judgment and planning, it’s just inconsistent. It’s gonna be not always be there. Especially the younger adolescents with a surge of Dopamine. That’s a recipe for risk taking. So it’s not that they don’t know, but it’s like somebody said, let’s say, you know, you know a teenager has a friend that’s texting them at 11 saying, Hey you should, we’re hanging out at the park, you should come join us.
Yshai:
And then they’re like, they know like, ah, that sounds, that sounds actually really fun. I’m bored, I’m just by myself. I can’t sleep, but I know I’ll get into trouble. My parents would be so mad. It’s probably like, you know, not a good idea, but it sounds really fun. And then you have that impulsivity that says, I’m gonna just go do it and I’ll worry about it later. And they just go do it. And then we think we take it personally. Like why would you disrespect me? Because you know, I, we have this rule and we’re trying to build trust, but it wasn’t about the parent. Usually they’re not. And so it’s just this combination of being impulsive and then that intense Dopamine that just says, I just want to do it and I’ll think about it later.
Terry:
It is, yeah, helpful. That is very helpful. I think the whole not taking it personally is, I don’t know, an eyeopener for me too because yeah, it’s like you try to go through all these situations like as if we’re like, you know, thinking the same way and feeling the same way. We’re just kind of bringing them along with us. But like it literally looks totally different to them with that, like you said, that that part of their brain just under construction and I mean especially to If you already have like a kid that maybe already like defaults to a certain tone anyways, that’s like we know is already there, but it’s, you’re like, it’s hard not to take it personally when some of these things happen.
Terry:
You’re just like, oh no, they’re just flat out being disrespectful or like, ouch, did we raise a mean kid or a or a kid that doesn’t have feelings. And it’s like, no, I think she already defaults to a certain tone and then, oh, I said she, I already said who it was
Wendy:
Really given a run for our money lately, so no, I know. Stop. But he just goes around quicker.
Terry:
But that helps me a lot ’cause I know sometimes it, it like it is, there is like an ouch moment. I know you get stung. Yeah, yeah. We both get stung. We both have different, like I think levels of like resilience to certain things and it all so depends on what we’re going through in that day. Like sometimes you’re just like, ooh, that’s the last thing I needed was like a little like a sting there when they’re just completely like oblivious to it. They’re not trying to to do it at all.
Yshai:
Right? Yeah. Yeah. And If you can understand that, I mean my daughter is Fanta, my kids are amazing superstars. They’re very different. And my daughter has bigger emotions and bigger feelings. Her son is a little bit more naturally even keeled. They were like that since they were babies and at different stages. Like they’re, our kids are different and it isn’t about who they are, their character. It’s like understanding. And when we know the brain stuff, it’s so much easier to not take it personal because it’s like they can’t help it. That’s why we talk about like we can’t overstate the importance of like how important this prefrontal cortex is. And then some kids just have more sensitivity and so they need more time and it does come together.
Yshai:
And so yeah, they are, they’re like that word hijacked. They have an amygdala hijack. It takes over in the moment. It’s not a reflection of their values or our values or what we’ve taught them or didn’t teach them. They literally can’t help it. In some ways they kind of need to go through that and work through it. And I, if, if we respond in a calm way and in a thoughtful way, it’s actually an opportunity to help them get better because that’s the, the Yeah. The purpose of our job I think in this stage is to, yes, time and development for sure, the prefrontal cortex just over time is gonna get more mature and all that for sure. Even if we do nothing. But what we want to do is think about how do we help facilitate that even faster?
Yshai:
How do we help improve that process when we ground punish, take away yell, meet them on that level. They don’t get to practice improving that because they’ll just shut down or get more overwhelmed, right? So we just always want to think about when they get like that, how do I help phosphorus so they can get better at the problem solving at the posing, at the thinking things through. That’s the work of out parenting adolescents I think.
Wendy:
Absolutely. And we have some of those points we’re gonna go over of things we can help, but when it comes to not taking things personally and just understanding what’s happening with their brain, it’s so helpful. Just this week I was reflecting on as I’m teaching these nervous system healing and regulation workshops, and I think this is such a fascinating conversation and it’s like, we could talk to you for hours because then comes in also our nervous system response and conditioning, right? And like, what are we, like, the reason I think we knee jerk what we make it mean about us is because it’s a lot of that how the nervous system was conditioned when we were young, right? So this week we had a little flare up where it was like I Stella had done something where I clearly felt hurt.
Wendy:
Like I felt like I was the parent that was like, I get the short end of the stick and Stella loves daddy and she’s like, not, doesn’t like me as much and she’s mean to me. And you know, it was just like, and then I remember I, I did some work in the evening and was just kind of in my own little huffy zone and in the morning still feeling a little huffy and just me, and I remember she came down and she just looked at me and she was like, Hey Monica, good morning. And I was like, oh, you’re, you’re not carrying on with this. Like when you went to bed without saying goodnight to me, you probably weren’t thinking all these things that I thought about that you were thinking about me. Right? But the reason I tell this story is because I grew up in a home where when I became a teenager, my dad thought that it was, I didn’t like it.
Wendy:
He’s like, my mom has said to me as we got older, your dad just, you know, we’ll have like a blow up in the kitchen. I’m 47 now and he’ll get so mad at me ’cause I use like the wrong omelet pan. And I, you know, it’s just like Jack, like what is his deal, mom? You know, he freaks out for no reason. And, and one time she was like, well, he just thinks you don’t like him and you know, all The way since you’re a teenager. And it’s like, I realized that that is was my conditioning, right? Like it was these years of the tone was when there was an argument or you know, a disagreement or something, it wasn’t just, you’re a teenager, I’m gonna teach you and support you and help you understand why this limit is so firm. It was like, it became this very personal thing and that was The way I was like, I think my nervous system adopted that and conditioned that.
Wendy:
And now here we are with a teenager and it’s like, my knee jerk is to go to you don’t like me. And so it was such a cool time and I don’t know if that resonates with you and what you kind, you kind of see it. But it was very reflective this week where I was like, this is not the truth of what’s happening. She’s our cactus kid. She’s, you know, she’s a tough cookie. Like she’s a, she’s a power kid and she’s gonna, she already is changing the world, right? Like she’s gonna do amazing things, but her, she’s not against me and she’s, she doesn’t not like me. She’s just a little cactus. See sometimes I remember I saw a quote from Pink, the artist once, who was a sassafras, right? We all like, she, yeah. Yeah.
Wendy:
She is not under spoken and her shows, like she, even her personality comes out in her shows. I think she like hangs upside down. I’ve heard her concerts are amazing, but I saw a quote once from her that she said, you know, when I was young my mom always thought that like I was, everything I did was out to get her or something. And she was like, it was just me being me. And, you know, and you see what pink grew up to be. And you imagine like these relationships where it’s just not always truth. It’s just that sometimes, you know, always the nervous system support with a specialist, a helper of the world to help you just decondition kind of that knee jerk belief system that you’re in danger.
Wendy:
Which comes with that thought of someone doesn’t like me, someone’s judging me, life’s not fair, I’m gonna get hurt, whatever it is. That was really helpful for me this week just to step back and realize, okay, it is safe to see this in a different way. Yeah. Yeah.
Yshai:
Parenting is so humbling in that way. Yeah, I mean I really think it’s just, I mean, as us, you know, we’re like, this is what we do and we think about it and learn and talk, you know, and I mean, I wrote a book and yet I have these insecure moments with my own teenager, you know, or times when she’s annoyed with me or irritated or, I mean, I mean, and my wife’s a therapist as well, a family therapist. Mm. You know, is amazing. Experienced, brilliant one. And we’ve, we’ve had moments where our teenagers, you know, our daughter said, I hate you guys. Whoa. That’s tough to hear. Like, serious, we’re doing all the things Aren aren’t, we know. And like yeah, but it’s, it’s what you said. Then like hours later she’s coming in cuddling, we’re watching a show together.
Yshai:
You know, it’s that impulsivity and the intense feelings and like, you just talk about how your kid, minor art, she’s a feeler, you know, and she just has big feelings. And so like our job is to help harness that, right? Certainly have some boundaries, but also like leverage that. And so she’s found theater and choir and like these art, the arts and she’s, and she’s become such a good friend and she’s like some of that maturity, she’s doing so well now, but she’s had some hard times and it’s like how we respond and, and it is so key to remember that it’s, it is, I mean if we’re struggling with it, most parents are gonna struggle with it. Like that’s just accept it. It’s gonna sting. Sometimes we, no matter what we say, you, you’re gonna probably have moments where you’re gonna take it personally.
Yshai:
Like that’s just gonna happen. But then if we can step back, I think once that does happen and just note, oh I am taking this personally, okay, this isn’t about me in this moment and maybe there is something for me to work on and something I could have done better, but we’ll have a conversation. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me or he doesn’t love me. It’s not ’cause I’m, I’m not a bad parent. That was just a really hard moment, a hard interaction. And so let’s try to work on it together and learn from it and not make it about me being bad or my child being bad or entitled or spoiled or I don’t need to label them either, you know, and I don’t need to label myself. I can think more about, this is just hard. They’re having a hard time. Maybe I’m having a hard time too in different ways.
Wendy:
Yep. And when you’re doing that, you are literally often breaking that chain, that like painful generational cycle, right? Where like that was The way it was always done and your family legacy and now you’re like, oh, this is just, it’s just a day, it’s just a mistake. It’s just a conflict. You know, you wake up and you’re like, oh, we can do this differently the next day. So I love that. Okay, we’re gonna do a little bit of a rapid fire here with our five things you can do to help. And we’ll kind of just sit back and, and listen. But we’re gonna go through the five ways that you recommend that we can help our kids when they’re teens, when they’re in these adolescent years. And just If you could just comment on each little one, and we’ll try to get all five done in the, the time we have left.
Wendy:
Number one, Yshai, five things you can do to help your adolescent teen who ha we now understand how their brain works and that they have lots of Dopamine and impulsivity and that it makes sense. But number one, talk to us just for a minute about how we can praise our teen’s effort, determination, kindness, and problem solving.
Yshai:
Be be specific. Don’t just say good job. Like what did they do that you appreciated? And be genuine and authentic. If, if it feels like a technique or that you’re trying to get them to do something for you, they’ll see right through it. So they don’t need to hear, even just, I love you, it’s good to say I love you, but, or good job, thanks, but like, really be, be genuine. And then what are you appreciating? I noticed you got up, really, you got up early on your own without being reminded or you cleared your plan, even ask you or you were really helpful or that was really kind The way you like, did that for grandma or grandpa or something like that.
Yshai:
I just appreciate, I know you didn’t want to come on that hike, but you did anyways. And I know that wasn’t like the most your choice of a thing you want to do during the day, but you did and you had a good attitude, so thank you.
Wendy:
Oh, I love that. We can do more of that. We do a pretty good job. We can do more of that. No, I,
Terry:
I, yeah, I think we can be more intentional about doing that more.
Wendy:
I love it. Okay, number two, limit technology but don’t take it away.
Yshai:
So because these are Dopamine machines and our kids are uniquely vulnerable to Dopamine, to being susceptible, we do need to have boundaries, but we have to empathize that this is their life and their future and the world they live in. This is how a large way of how they connect with peers and in the world and, and we need to honor and respect and appreciate that this is really important, especially older teenagers. I think older teenagers, high school versus middle school sometimes there’s, there’s a difference there. So if we just talk about high school kids, like they need their phones to connect with friends, but they also need boundaries.
Yshai:
And we have to know what our kids’ limits are and abilities are based on their behavior. So we don’t, they don’t, if we’re think we wanna focus on learning skills, we’ll take the phone away completely. We’re throwing the baby out with the bath water and there’s gonna be some real consequences and cost to them and their development, looking for ways to help them learn how to manage the overwhelming nature of apps and social media and phones. We want to teach them skills, build their prefrontal cortex ability to put, set their own limits eventually to be able to use their phone in, in a healthy way. So don’t take it away In general, I would say that, and instead focus on setting boundaries, on setting limits, on setting up certain rules, whether it’s bedtime or whether it’s removing certain apps or focusing on certain times or certain places that are phone free, things like that.
Yshai:
Focus on that collaborating, working together with them and that’s gonna give them the best chance of having a healthy relationship with their device.
Wendy:
Oh. And be in it with them. Right. And I know that like we are all, if we’re being honest, battling the same things, like are we gonna take it into our room? Are we gonna turn on it on while we’re eating lunch? Are we gonna pull it out during a family meal? Like we’ve gotta be practicing with them, right? Right.
Yshai:
That’s a huge, huge piece. They see what we’re doing and if we’re like, can you please put your phone away? And then five minutes later they see us just scrolling in the waiting room,
Wendy:
Right.
Yshai:
We’re not gonna have credibility. And so we get a lot more leverage. We don’t, we technically could say, Hey, I’m an adult, I don’t have to put my phone away in the hallway at night. I can do whatever I want. And that’s true. But we’re gonna have a lot more credibility, a lot more clout if we’re willing to do it with it with them. And it’s probably gonna help us too because the data
Wendy:
Having our, we laughing, like I just said to t this morning, I’m like, Taryn and his cups, you know, like he, he leaves these cups in the window seal at his little, we call it his layer in the couch. And you know, I’m like, it’s one of those moments that I just wanna be like, I’m the boss, I get to leave my cups. But you don’t, yeah.
Terry:
She’s like, I could leave my stuff around the house but, but it’s ’cause I’m the boss.
Wendy:
I knew I wasn’t serious. I said I was. Not to say that. I know
Terry:
It was funny, but yeah.
Wendy:
Yeah, yeah. I would, I would, that was my desire to just be able to say that. And of course I know that that’s not The way it works as I looked down and there’s my shoes and there’s my stuff, you know, so,
Terry:
But yeah, de definitely same page with the technology. I mean we’ve just, for us, you know, we’ve found phone free bedrooms for our kids and the dinner table has been really good. And then of course some, some time to, you know, different times of day or kind of been more understood that they’re without or, Hey, go for it. This is your time, you know, so yeah. Yeah.
Yshai:
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think that’s, I think working together and having those, those conversations that hopefully they can start and there is no, I think it is important to say, I’m sure you guys say this all time. There’s no one size fits all approach. We’re all trying to figure this out. So no shame if your kid has their phone all night in their room. If you aren’t setting limits, you’re not a bad parent. This is hard. It’s difficult. It’s tricky and nuanced. We just have to keep kind of thinking about it though.
Terry:
Yeah, yeah,
Wendy:
Yeah.
Terry:
I just share it. ’cause that’s worked for us, like you said. I mean, everybody’s dynamic. I mean their, their household dynamics are totally different. The room situations are different. Yeah.
Wendy:
I, I do think this one is very important though, when it literally comes to the lives of our children. So I am like such an advocate for very, very, very firm rules on that one. Because
Yshai:
On the phones out of the room
Wendy:
You say, no shame, no shame at all. But I just, it’s like you can do this, right? Like you can, you can do this
Yshai:
And all the research that supports that in terms of improving sleep, right? Quality of sleep, quantity of sleep, the, the benefit for everyone, but especially for teenagers. ’cause they need more sleep. And I, I always encourage parents to like use their research leverage that you’re, this isn’t about just being a rigid parent. Controlling Yeah. Or it’s like there’s a lot of science behind this that the num, like, I think one of the number one things that contributes to adolescent mental health issues is a lack of sleep. Poor sleep. Yes. So this is one thing. I agree of all the things, there’s a lot of different ways to have rules and this, but I think like really prioritizing sleep at night is the number one thing. And I think that’s the best way to do that is having phones out of the room is the best way to support a health healthy
Wendy:
System. You’re right. And they, they respect the data. Like they, they respect the data more sometimes than just us. ’cause we said so, right? So like that is, so that is such a great reminder to just help them present it with the data. Not to be a nerdy, annoying parent, but just, I just want you to understand why we’re so firm on it. Right. But I know that I do with this almost 17-year-old, 99% of her friends are falling asleep to TikTok. Sometimes they’re two or Terry:00 AM they’re exhausted. They’re fighting with their parents, they’re getting gr like they’re just all the traditional stuff. And it’s like, it’s, it’s tough. So, and I know it’s a lot, I know it’s a lot as you said, no shame. And it’s just such an important area to get support on If you need it.
Wendy:
Right. Okay.
Terry:
And I think the middle ground, oh, go ahead Yshai.
Yshai:
Well, I’m just gonna say, I think the, The way we get kids to comply is data helps, but also just values. Like this is our value as a family is we prioritize sleep or we having dinner together or
Wendy:
Connected and mental health. Yeah.
Yshai:
Or spending time together or mental or physical activity. It’s just what we do as a family. And so we have to model that too. Like, this is important to us. So like they’ll respond more if it’s grounded in values and not just like, well I think video games are horrible. Yeah. Like that’s like, you know, it’s not really, it’s just more about like, I don’t like it and so I don’t want you to do it. ’cause and they don’t do well with that. But if it’s like, our value is family time, our value is spending time outside, our value is, you know, so maybe like watching a movie together is different than you watching by yourself in your room. Because this is Right. It’s a, it’s like, well what’s the difference? Well there is a difference ’cause we’re like connecting versus not.
Wendy:
Yes.
Terry:
Yeah. I think in general, I mean, and our kids are no exception there. It’s like, yeah. Talking about what you’re for versus like just being all about what you’re against is, is more connecting in general. Yeah.
Yshai:
That’s a really good point. And for you getting a good night’s sleep because that’s the number one. And kids really are interested in mental health. They do young people, which I think is a great part of this culture in this generation. They talk about it. And so you frame it as that I care about your mental health and this is one of the number one ways to support your mental health is you getting a good night’s sleep. And the best way to support that is not having your phone in your room. All the research, all the experts are saying that. Yeah. And then I’m, I’m willing to do it too. And I, like we said before, I think that can also help.
Wendy:
Absolutely. Yeah. And yes, it’s like I know the kids in our, in our area, the anxiety, depression and even suicide and just our town is off the charts. Like Stella had two suicides within a month, I think three within six months at her school last year. Her high school. Like it’s, it’s just like that part of it is just, I, I think there’s so much conversation there. And the mental health, we always felt so good about over and over again with Stella and, ’cause she did wait till high school to have a phone when 99% of the families didn’t. But we, there was a always the yes behind the no. Right. And it always was like just a little bit stronger of mental health.
Wendy:
Your chances of fighting those things are just gonna be a little bit stronger If you can just wait. You gotta trust us. But here’s the yes behind the no. Right. And still to this day now it’s turned into sleep. A lot of sleep stuff. But it’s still, it’s still, what is that? Yes. Behind the No and just to, to be really, really strong. Next point, Yshai, get your teen out of the house and engaged in pro-social activities.
Yshai:
Your thoughts on that. Yeah. So yeah, so we think of pro-social activities sometimes as it’s getting them out of the house or it’s, you know, learning skills and things like that. And I think, yes, those are useful things, but what pro-social activities do so much that we don’t even often realize that are so important. One is it does take a village. It’s such a cliche, but we cannot do it all ourselves. I don’t care how good of a parent you think you are, how smart you are. Yeah. How many books I’ve written, many of us have written like we can’t, we need community. Our kids need to listen to other adults. So learning from other coaches or mentors, instructors, other people, even tutor like anybody, like it’s really important for them.
Yshai:
It’s important for them to get to learn other perspectives, other points of view. This is kind part of being in society, is you, you need to be able to listen and learn from other people. So there’s that. And then there’s building confidence and competence. I dunno about you guys, but I can certainly, I think this is very common. Certainly my kids will often listen to their aunts or uncles or teachers in a way. They don’t, I’m like, I said that I said all the time and now all of a sudden that’s a great idea ’cause your aunt said that. Whatever. Right. You know, but that’s so real as a therapist. Like I, you know, one of the things I I talk about this with parents all the time. Like, I’m gonna say things that you’ve probably said to your kids, but like, they will listen to me in a different way. Yes. And so, so there’s that value and then there’s the benefit of, we build confidence and self-esteem, not by being told we’re great, but by earning it through experience, accomplishing something, working hard, and then getting results.
Yshai:
I mean like, I did that, that was really cool. And it’s, we talk about praise, it’s sincere praise. Like people in the community generally, you know, they’re not gonna just praise you for nothing. They’re gonna say, whoa, that was, you did that really well, that was really improved. Or I need you to work on this. I need you to do better. And then you do it and like, look what you just did. And so they build self-esteem by having pro-social activities. And then there’s the social skills and developing friendship skills. Some kids need more of that than others. But making friends, learning how to interact, learning how to relate, how to keep cold conversations that a lot of this generation struggles with because they are more spending more time. All the, the studies show this that they’re, they’re not going out as often as we did when, when we were there.
Yshai:
Yes, yes. You know, there’s some upsides, you know, teen pregnancy is down, they’re not drinking as much. Yes. You know, things like that. But they’re also not socializing as much in person and working on conflict resolution, working on awkwardness. That’s part of the socialization and social skills. They’re not learning that as quickly. And so that’s another benefit. So lots of really important reasons for them to be out having pro-social activity. It’s not about being the best or, you know, winning. It’s about life skills that you can only learn so much of at home with your core family. Yeah,
Wendy:
It’s so true. That whole, the whole like their social stuff is down and like I can see why the like teen sex or the teen pregnancy is down because as Stella especially like the years where, I guess it was like eighth, ninth grade, she would have these buddies over and we were like watching and we were like, they all just hang out and they all just wanna be on their phones. So there’s no more like, should we like try to close the door and play spin the bottle? You know, like that was the thing. Like I was like, I asked Darren last week, I’m like, but these parties, I’m like, do you guys ever play like spin the bottle? And he is like, what are you talking about mom? No. And I’m like, I I think it’s because they all are just, they’re getting the, the kind of I you said not right or wrong.
Wendy:
Right. Not good or bad Dopamine, but they’re getting the, the hits from like, all these kids have like unlimited access to these phones and they’re getting the tic-tac hits, but they’re not getting like the natural hits from like kissing a, kissing someone or something. So it’s interesting ’cause it’s a, it’s a good thing that that teen pregnancy is down. But it’s also really interesting to me because the, their, the social, the ability to socialize and all the things you said, the awkward stuff like to, to be able to work through that and like have, it’s just so fascinating to me what’s happening. And we saw it every time she would have those people o like the friends over those years where she was, maybe it was during COVID or something, I don’t know.
Wendy:
But we saw it with our own two eyes that humanity is changing because of the screens, which was really fascinating.
Yshai:
Yeah. COVID set a lot of that back as
Wendy:
Well. Yeah. Oh so interesting. Oh my gosh. Okay. Number four was provide boundaries and expectations. I feel like we’ve covered that really well. So since we’re at time, finish us off Yshai with Keep Consequences short and reasonable. And gosh, I love finishing with this one because we teach compassionate discipline here at Fresh Start Family versus Punishment. And I think it has just, I mean it has transformed our whole life as a parent. I think it’s the reason why we’re able to have such strong relationships with our kids and safety and mutual respect and trust and actual effectiveness with the kids changing their behavior after they make a mistake. But tell us your final thoughts on why consequences. Keeping ’em short and reasonable is so important.
Yshai:
Yeah. Because particularly kids who struggle, they can get buried in being in trouble. This gets taken away that, and then I see this all the time and then a kid’s just in this hole and they’re like, they just, we talk about the different states, they’re shut down. They, they’re yeah, aloof, they don’t care. And that’s a really, really sad thing to see, but it’s a difficult thing to get out of as a parent as well. And so really thinking again and again, what is, what am I doing here? I’m here to help them learn. They need some skills and to do that, kids need to have something to reach for and so they need to have fresh starts. So yes, natural consequences, but it needs to be something they can do.
Yshai:
So then maybe it’s like, okay, you didn’t get your chore done so then you have an extra chore tomorrow. Once you get that done, then you can have play video games and that could take a minute, that could take 10 minutes, it take an hour, it might take a day, but you have it’s related. Have a chance to do it again. You know, you didn’t turn in your phone. Okay, so you gotta turn it in a half an hour earlier the next day. That’s it. Right? And we start over and we try again. We talk about it like so opportunities to try again and try again. Learn from their mistake. The window of learning is really a day or two a week. They’re not learning anything by day 3, 4, 5, 6. They’re just waiting to get their privileges back. And a lot of us talk about our own parent, how we were parented and our wiring is kind of grounded sometimes in punitive, like I’m supposed to punish.
Yshai:
Oh yeah, they’re supposed to teach them, right? Like a lesson and they need to be something punished but they actually don’t. They need to learn and, and yes, part of that is natural consequences. If I speed, I might get a ticket that sucks, but that’s a natural consequence, right? And then I get to do it, try again and and drive safer. So we need to give them chances for Fresh Start.
Wendy:
I love it. The Fresh Start.
Terry:
You have a little graphic that goes off like a little bell that goes off anytime somebody says Fresh Start. Good,
Wendy:
Sweet. Done. That would be so fun. Yes. Teaching related, reasonable, respectful consequences. I love it so much. That’s exactly what we teach here for short family. So what a beautiful conversation. Yshai, you are just such a wealth of information. You’ve been so much fun to talk to today. Leave listeners and viewers with where they can find you and get your book and all the things. We’ll make sure, of course we put all these links in the show notes, but where can everyone come find you if they wanna learn more?
Yshai:
Yeah, so my book Staying Connected with Your Teen and I actually have a chapter on expectations and a chapter on accountability because connection is the foundation, but we also need correction, how to do that effectively. Like you guys were like, were talking about so much. I have a lot in there anywhere. Books are sold on Amazon or anywhere else. And then my website is my name Yshai busi.com and I’ve got some videos and and articles and things like that. Instagram I’m at at your teen therapist at your on Instagram. So those are the ways.
Wendy:
Amazing. Well thank you so much for taking, taking time today. We’ve had so much fun chatting with you and I am feeling super inspired to head back into the rest of the day as the teens get home later this afternoon. So thank you Yshai. This was a fun conversation you guys. Thank you. All right families, that’s a wrap. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. Thank you for hanging out and it has been so much fun, so friendly reminder that If you are not on our email list yet, make sure you hop on. You can head to Fresh Start Family Online dot com slash email. Just drop in your name and your email and that will allow me to keep in touch with you to keep you updated on our latest episodes of the Fresh Start Family Show.
Wendy:
And sometimes I write blog posts. Oftentimes I do guest spots on other people’s podcasts and we often have specials and promotions on our programs and free events that we love to keep you in the know about. And so head on over there, sign up to be on our email so we can keep in touch that way. But mostly just know how much you are loved. We see you, we honor you, and we are over here cheering you on and we are so happy to have you here as part of our community at the Fresh Start Family Show. I’ll see you in the next episode.
Wendy:
If you are tired of the yelling, the guilt, and the feeling like you’re failing as a parent, especially with your strong-willed child, please hear me. There’s nothing wrong with you and there’s nothing wrong with your kiddo. Strong-willed kids aren’t broken or problem. Kids who need their wills broken, they’re brave, they’re spirited. They’re here to teach us something powerful. I know myself because I’ve been raising one for 17 years and she has completely, positively transformed my life thanks to this work that has empowered me to see her in an accurate, truthful lens. I’d love to show you how to thrive with your strong-willed kid too, starting now. You can grab my free quick Start learning bundle and choose a time for the interactive workshop at Fresh Start Family Online dot com slash power.
Wendy:
You are not alone and you don’t have to figure this out on your own anymore. I’ll see you inside your free learning guide and at class very soon.
