On this episode of The Fresh Start Family Show, Wendy sits down with one of her absolute favorite inspirational authors, Rachel Macy Stafford.
Rachel is the bestselling author of multiple books, including Only Love Today and Hands Free Mama and is the founder of Hands Free Revolution, a website and community that supports and encourages parents to slow down and live life to the fullest by being present and full of love and compassion for themselves and those around them.
In a busy world where we often put our needs way on the back burner, Rachel and Wendy look at 3 beautiful ways to pour back into ourselves so we can stay OUT of overwhelm & bring our best selves to our parenting & relationships.
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Episode Highlights:
- Saying no and setting boundaries is healthy and necessary
- Making small changes and different choices is how we get different results
- It’s ok to slow down and honor the playful inner child within us
- We are worthy of authentic moments that aren’t scheduled or accomplishing something
- It’s important to model to our children how to do this, too, and not get stuck in the rat race
- Pause and ask ourselves “what do I want?” and then ask for it
- When we ignore our wants and needs and only do for others, it leads to anger and resentment. Let that anger serve as a signal that we’re not taking care of ourselves, and make a change.
- Feeling scared and stressed when we’re passionate about something is actually a good thing
Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
How to connect with Rachel:
Hands Free Revolution Facebook page
Hands Free Revolution Instagram
Her books:
Live Love Now: Relieve the Pressure and Find Real Connection with our Kids
Hands Free Life: Nine Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, and Loving More
And Pre Order Rachel’s new book Soul Shift
Join Wendy’s Email list and be invited to the FREE New Year Kick Start Program starting Jan. 30th
Free Guide to Raising Strong-Willed Kids with Integrity
Register for Freedom to Be in Person in Sunny San Diego, CA!
Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist
Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!
Happy New, Year Families. It is officially 2023 and here at Fresh Start Family, we are behind the scenes getting ready for our biggest event of the year that will be happening in late January. It’s called the New Year Kickstart: Fresh Start. Your Family in five days with a live positive parenting mini course to educate, inspire, and empower And like I said, it’s not gonna start till late January. I wanna give you guys time to catch up, catch your breath from the holidays I. know that a lot of us are just kind of exhaling after a very busy time. And, then in a few weeks, I will be inviting you to go over and register to be part of this very exciting event where you’ll be able to hang out live with me, ask questions, get coaching on a daily basis, be part of our interactive and incredibly supportive community.
And it’s just gonna be a really great way to kickstart the new year so you are headed into 2023, feeling really strong and inspired to implement and practice positive parenting in your parenting walk and also into the daily fabric of your home life with your kids. So, stay tuned. That information is coming soon, but for now, enjoy the show.
Wendy:
Well, hello listeners and welcome back to a new episode. I am your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And I am, gosh, I’m just thrilled and excited to bring this episode to you guys with the Rachel Macy Stafford, you guys, who is just someone that is very, very inspirational to me. She came on the show to talk to us about how we can have childlike joy in the middle of grown up overwhelm. And let me just tell you, I feel like I was like frothing at every word that came out of Rachel’s mouth. I just feel like I connect so much with the way she inspires and writes and tells stories, and she just has this beautiful, vulnerable, and authentic and just humble way of making you feel like you are seen and understood and that you are not alone.
So I know that so many of my students in the Foundations Course and at the Bonfire support program really struggle with overwhelm. And let me just tell you, I’m raising my hand as one of those people, and you hear me have a lot of emotion in this episode because living a life where I am present and not stressed out and feel like I’m not on the hamster wheel of just like kind of striving for accomplishment or to get one more thing done on the to-do list or whatever it may be, it’s really important to me, and it’s a season of my life that I, you’ll hear me talk to Rachel about a season of entrepreneurship, of, of building a, a big, big business where I have huge plans to help, you know, more and more and more families all across the world get this amazing work of positive parenting, this life changing educational work into their homes.
And there’s just a lot going on. My kids now are tweens and my one’s a tween, one’s a teenager, and you know, between sports and house and work and marriage and holidays and, and just all the things, y’all get it right. Overwhelm is a really, really big thing. But I’m just on a journey to just find out what I can do to counteract those feelings of anxiety that often flare up when there feels like there’s a million things to do and I’m always behind. So what you’re gonna hear Rachel talk about today, I think is really beautiful. And she actually has her new book coming out in March called Soul Shift.
And so I would love it if, you know, I’m gonna make sure I pre-order it, and it’d be awesome if you guys could go support her and pre-order that book too. Pre-orders really help authors like Rachel in the publishing world. And so it would just be really great to hop over to Amazon. We’ll make sure we put a link in the show notes for you to be able to do that easily. But I just cannot wait to eat up every word of this new book because like I said, Rachel’s words just really speak to my heart and deeply inspire me. So let me, me just tell you a little bit more about Rachel and then we’ll get started with this episode. So Rachel Macy Stafford is the New York Times bestselling author of Hands-Free Mama, Hands-Free Life Only Love Today and Live Love Now.
Yes, she has four books and then this new one coming out in this spring will be her fifth book. She is a certified special education teacher whose personal strategies are universal invitations to embrace life with urgency and cultivate connection despite the distractions of our culture. Rachel has been featured on CNN, the Today Show, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, Time.com, the Huffington Post, and Readers Digest. Her blog, HandsFreeMama.com is a source of inspiration to millions. She resides in the south, she has the most beautiful southern accent with her beloved family and rescue cats. One of them while we were recording was sitting on the bed behind her and it was just the most beautiful calming presence.
So you guys enjoy this episode and let’s just be on a journey together in 2023 to counteract all those like temptations to fall into the spiral of overwhelm, right? Like let’s use Rachel’s words and thoughts and inspirations and really wise ideas on how to live a life where we are present and we are escaping the temptation to fall into perfectionism and all the thing and all the things. So just know that if you are on that journey, I am there with you and I can’t think of a better intention to head into 2023 with just kind of implementing everything we talk about in today’s episode.
So you guys, thanks for listening. As always, if you are not on our email list, make sure you head on over to the website, freshstartfamilyonline.com. Grab our free learning Guide to Raising Strong-Willed Kids with integrity. It’s a great place to get started to understand what we teach here at Fresh Start Family and how the strategies and the tools from a positive parenting perspective and family life coaching perspective can really help you to have more peace and joy in your parenting walk, in your marriage, in your home, all the things. So head on over freshstartfamilyonline.com, make sure you hop on the email list, grab that free guide, and that way I can stay in contact with you every week. I can let you know when we have new podcast episodes drop. I can let you know when we’re having promotions on our educational programs or free events.
We actually have one coming up here in just a few weeks that is so exciting and it’s just really a great time to get into learning and community, be able to be supported by me in a real live format where you get to ask questions and take part in the learning, do a little bit each day so you stay outta overwhelm. But that event is gonna be really, really great. So make sure you are signed up for that free annual new year challenge that we do every year that’ll take place in late January. Without further ado, you guys help me welcome Rachel to the show And enjoy this episode.
Stella:
Well, hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus, and rock and roll, and believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together we hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools, and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.
Wendy:
Well, hello there families and welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show. I am really excited to be here with our special guest today, Rachel Macy Stafford. Welcome to the show, Rachel.
Rachel:
Hi. It’s so good to be here.
Wendy:
Yeah, it really is. Oh my goodness. Listeners, family community, we are going to be talking today all about really how to get ourselves or walk ourselves off the ledge, so to speak, of overwhelm, and also have a great discussion around how that’s tied to perfectionism. And we’re just gonna have a beautiful, rich conversation. And specifically Rachel’s gonna be talking to us about how we can ignite childhood joy in the middle of grownup overwhelm. And I am just so fascinated by this topic, Rachel, because a lot of times, like when I, when I interview someone, I’m like, oh yeah, we’re, we’re on sim – like we, my expertise and your expertise match and we’re just gonna have this great conversation.
This one I’m like, Rachel, please help me. I’m like, oh, the heck do I bring child like joy in the middle of overwhelm. Overwhelm is definitely the thing in my life at this stage of being an entrepreneur and a mother and all the things that I’m like, oh my goodness, it’s just my, like, my work right now is like getting my head on straight, so to speak, and basically applying everything that you write about and that you speak about. And it just really is an honor to be here with you today because your writing and your words are just absolutely beautiful. Our entire team here at Fresh Start Family was so excited to have you on the show, so thank you so much for taking time out to be with us today.
Rachel:
Aw, that means so, so much to me. I’m excited to dig into this very interesting topic.
Wendy:
Yeah. Yes. So good. Okay, well, before we get started, before we get into the meat of our topic today, tell us a little bit about your story, Rachel, for everyone who doesn’t know you or maybe hasn’t read your books, because you have four now, right? Are you on your, is this your fourth or your third? It’s your fourth, right?
Rachel:
Yes. I, my fifth book comes out in March, actually. I’ve a new book coming out. Yes,
Wendy:
That’s right! Yes.
Rachel:
So yeah, I’ve been at this for a little while and before the show you had asked me how old my daughters are now, which it seems weird for me to say you, you know, I’ve got a 16 year old and 19 year old because I started this when they were little, you know, just four and seven. And that’s kind of where I had this pretty painful realization that I was basically missing my life. It came from like a question that was often like a compliment to me. People would say, Rachel, how do you do it all?
You know? And I would pat myself on the back thinking, well, this is the greatest compliment of all, you know, I’m just juggling all these things. I have this smile on my face, you know, everything looks perfect, but inside I was really struggling in my home was not a peaceful place to be because I was so maxed out. And being able to answer that question, ‘how do you do it all Rachel?’ honestly was a starting point for me. I realized I miss out. Well, I can do it all because I miss out on life.
Wendy:
Mm. Yeah.
Rachel:
And it’s painful, you know, it’s real when you realize and you start thinking about the moments that you’ve missed because you are going a hundred miles per hour from point A to point B. It, it’s gut wrenching really. And, but it’s also, it’s also healing and liberating because then you can say, this isn’t how I wanna live. Once you have that truth in front of you and you don’t push that away and you acknowledge that pain and say, okay, I don’t know how I’m gonna stop living this highly distracted, overwhelmed life, but I know I want to, and that to know what you don’t want your life to look like is something, and that’s basically where this hands-free journey started from that painful awareness.
Wendy:
Yes. And what were, what were you doing at that stage of life? Were you home at full-time with the kids? Were you also working outside the home?
Rachel:
Yes, I was getting my teaching certification renewed. We, we moved quite a few times when my girls were young and we had just arrived in Birmingham, Alabama. I was getting renewed so that I could teach in the new state. And then I was also throwing myself into the community because I wanted to find, you know, friends and connections. And I wanted the girls to fit in, you know, so Scott’s, you know, my husband’s traveling throughout the week and I’m working on that certification, you know, with the two girls at home trying to get acclimated.
And it, it was just stretching myself very, very thin.
Wendy:
Yeah, it’s, it’s wild. Like, it’s just wild how much I’ve realized in the last six months. No, I’m, I’m gonna say probably year. It’s like I am there, you know, like I’ve spent the last, I guess it’s been almost 13 years, like 13 years ago, my big realization was that like the parenting was just, it. That’s why I became a, an educator and a family life coach. Like, it was just that panic zone of like, I can’t do parenting like this. My strong-willed girl, little girl, this is not working. All the things. And so I spent that decade, you know, like changing and learning and become fluent, fluent in this beautiful way of teaching and, and being a parent and being a mother and all the things and developing this business.
And now I’m at the point where I’m like, oh my gosh, like, this is not sustainable. You know? So it’s like your work and the work of Shauna Niequist, like Present Over Perfect. I swear I will listen to that book over and over and over again. And I’m like, you are speaking directly to me right now. And it’s like, I’m not out of it yet. But I love that you’re acknowledging that there’s so much beauty in just realizing like, okay, says ok, this is where I’m at. And it is a journey, right? Like it probably took, it did, right? You started writing when they were four and six or
Rachel:
Oh yes.
Wendy:
And now here you are and you’re like, you’re way more fluent in the ability to like not be in the grind and the rat race. And obviously you can tell from like, the emotion of my voice and I’m like, I just wanna be on that journey with you because it is just such a common thing these days that it’s, it’s, it’s beautiful to be in the journey. So I’m just so excited to be here with you today to soak up all of your wisdom. And it doesn’t happen overnight, right? Like, it doesn’t, like you’re just wake up and you’re like, oh, I’m, I’m out of the grind, I’m out of the rat race, right? Like,
Rachel:
And that’s one thing when I, I gather with Soul Shift participants, that’s my course. And that’s the first thing I tell ’em is like, I’m gonna show you some practices that help you get back to, you know, grasping a life that really matters to you and rejecting, you know, what the culture is saying is success, but this takes time and it’s, yeah, it’s honestly, it’s one choice after another choice. And that’s the beauty of this journey and the way that I did it as a, as a special education teacher, I’m not gonna be giving you big major sweeping changes to make, I’m not gonna tell you to stop doing your job responsibilities to put away technology that’s not realistic.
Yeah. But what we can do is we can start making new choices one step at a time. And that’s where you get, get in this new awareness that I have a choice. I don’t have to do it the way I’ve always been doing it, or I don’t have to do the roles that have been assigned to me. And, and all of that is just wrapped up in awareness and setting boundaries and reclaiming what, what is yours? Because the world is just going to keep taking and taking and taking, and you are at a point, this awareness that you’re expressing is, this is difficult, it’s not sustainable.
Rachel:
So I need to do something different. What that is, you don’t know yet, but hopefully after we talk today, you’ll have a starting point. And that’s, yeah, that’s the beauty of this is it’s, it’s one small step after another.
Wendy:
Yeah, it’s so true. And I just am like my favorite, my favorite thing. I mean, I have a million favorite things about my job and my business and what I get to do on a day-to-day basis, but one of them is, it is just nuts to me how God will put people in my life at the exact right time, right? Like, so of course we’re helping thousands of people through this conversation today, but really, really, it’s, it’s for me, let’s be real. Everyone else gets to benefit, but, but it’s just so cool. I mean, I was just in a weekend workshop this weekend with my, my friends at a sister company who are a hundred percent life coaching based, and that’s who I do all my certification through. But you know, it’s, it’s a basically a course where we look at limiting beliefs and my limiting belief that I got to like pull up and just bring light to was that, that I’ve been operating from for, for decades now, especially since I’ve been building a, a business over the last decade or whatever, is I can’t, like, I’m not capable.
This is what leads me to say yes to everything under the sun and like keep working. Life is exhausting and therefore I must just like keep going. I must push, push, push. And we got to redo it. Where the new one that I’ve now of my, I did like small steps speaking small step, Rachel, it’s, I, I actually put it on my screensaver yesterday with this beautiful picture at the beach and it’s, I’m capable, life is exhilarating and I will trust myself cuz there’s so many like beautiful small messages that, you know, you hear your intuition or your gut or God, whatever, all right, you call it in you and it’s like, hey, you should say no. And you’re like, no, I gotta say yes, I’m gonna do one more email. I’m gonna, you know, and it’s like led me to live in a state of desperateness, like obviously it’s like high achieving, right?
Like I’ve been able to build this organization, help thousands of people. I am a great mom, like I do it all, right? But it’s not inside your soul is just weary and tired and like, there’s this desperate tone that I was able to bring awareness to and see, like, it’s, it’s amazing when someone else points it out, you’re like, what? And then you’re like, oh yeah, yeah. Because when you’re in that rat race, it’s like this desperation comes out, right? And I know you have so many layers of your writing and your work that teaches us about value and worth. And it’s almost like you’re just desperate to like attain your worth and value. And it logically makes no freaking sense, but you just, you just get used to it, right?
So
Rachel:
Yeah. And we’re conditioned, we’re conditioned from a young age to believe that our worth is defined by how much we accomplish or achieve, or maybe that was our role as a child and we got accolades for, oh, you’re really such a go-getter, or you’re such an organizer and you know, we’re probably cut from the same cloth. So, you know, we overachieved and we got a lot of accolades for that. And so naturally we started to define our worth by how much we accomplished. You know, I like to say if if something wasn’t on my to-do list, it wasn’t worth doing. And that’s a tragedy because you’re not going to put the most meaningful moments and experiences on your to-do list.
They’re not on there. So you’re missing those opportunities if you’re living a checklist life.
Hey families, I want to pause this beautiful conversation for a moment to share that registration for the Freedom to Be Personal Development Life Coaching weekend course is open. And my gosh, is it so wonderful to be offering in-person events again. There’s only 20 seats available. So if you’re interested in pouring into yourself, healing from your past, breaking free from limiting beliefs and taking charge to create the life and family legacy of your dreams, head on over to freshstartfamilyonline.com/freedomcourse to learn more. Snag a ticket and you’ll be able to come hang out live with me in beautiful, sunny San Diego while you expand your heart. learn new tools and strengthen your family.
Yes, please. Freedom to Be is the program that changed everything for me 10 years ago when I was new to positive parenting and loving what I learned in class. But when I came home to apply the strategies I was taught, I struggled big time. After going through this life coaching program, Freedom to Be, I all of a sudden was actually able to respond versus react, implement compassionate discipline instead of constantly reverting to harsh punishments and actually stop blaming my beautiful strong-willed toddler daughter for all of my problems. I’m not exaggerating when I say the Freedom to Be course changed the entire future trajectory of my life. And I am completely honored to now be teaching this course.
During this weekend course, you’ll get both the heart and the soul – which is what I call the spirit side – of ending, limiting belief cycles and healing from past generations and stories and experiences that are keeping you stuck in negative knee-jerk reaction cycles. And you’re also going to learn the step by step logistics – which is what I call the strategy side – of changing your unhealthy behaviors like yelling or threatening or grabbing wrists too tight. Or some of us might be more of a withdraw or passive aggressive silent treatment kind of people, but you’ll learn how to change them. Maybe it’s unproductive tones or negative self-talk, and maybe it’s even broken communication cycles.
I’ll teach you how to switch those into healthy behavior patterns that you’re proud of and that actually work to make you feel good about the way you handle yourself each day. No matter what kind of challenges get flung your way in parenting marriage or career. Head on over now to freshstartfamilyonline.com/freedomcourse. Now to grab your ticket. The date for this year’s in-person program is March 24th through the 26th. And again, it’s in beautiful, sunny San Diego. Okay, back to the show.
Wendy:
Yeah. Oh my gosh, I was so like, not expecting so much emotion to come out of this, but it’s so true. I saw a poster you did last week, or maybe it was a while ago, but it was like a picture your daughter had taken of you on bed, on your, on her bed or something, like cuddled up in a blanket with your shoes on, which right away I was like, oh my gosh, you’re breaking the rolls, your shoes are on in your bed. Like, you know, like that’s something I’m always like, take your shoes off in my bed, you know, or wherever you were. But you know, here you are. Like you had shared how instantly you were like, oh my gosh, well what kind of mom lays down and is like lazy or resting, which is totally one of my things. I’m like, when I go to rest, I’m like, oh, failing.
Like, it’s just something comes so fast. And then this, this story that unfolded about what your daughter and how proud she was that she’d taken this beautiful picture of you resting and how peaceful you were and how it was like this gorgeous memory and there’s so much more you guys have to go to Rachel’s Instagram page and, and read all of her posts. But, but it was just like, that’s an example of a moment that is like, so you’re gonna miss it if you’re so focused on performance and worth and, but just you can tell Rachel, you are an expert in now in having your eyes open to those like white space moments to the beauty in all of the, like the opposite of the achievement.
Rachel:
There’s so much in how I learned to talk to myself because you know, in that moment that I was so exhausted and I laid down on Natalie’s bed and she took a picture of me without me knowing it, and she was so proud, like you said, of capturing this moment of me in rest. And I immediately judged myself for that picture. And here she’s standing here saying, look, look mama, you were resting and I, I took this and I didn’t disturb you. And that that voice of compassion, that actually my children, I started listening to my children the way they looked at me, what was important to them.
And that’s how that shift happens. Then instead of being this task master and drill sergeant to yourself, you start speaking in a compassionate only love today. You know, that was my phrase, only love today when, when my judger would get loud and say, you’re not doing enough. But that’s how you start to take it back is the way that you start talking to yourself and seeing yourself not through the lens of productivity, efficiency, speed, but through, you know, I’m here, I’m showing up, laying my head down at night and saying, I had that beautiful connection moment with Avery, my daughter today, because I stopped when we were trying to head out the door.
I stopped, I bent down, I looked at something she wanted to show me, and I felt peace. That’s a conscious decision that you make and you get reinforced every time you make those decisions. You’re like, oh, I feel the weight of the world and does it matter? Or two minutes later to the doctor’s office or we’re whatever we’re behind, you know, we say we’re behind schedule and we kill ourselves literally to stay on a schedule. And you have to just step back and say, what am I doing? Who, whose schedule am I on?
You know?
Wendy:
Yeah.
Rachel:
And then you start saying, I don’t have to pack my days so full that I don’t have time to breathe, that I don’t have time to stop. And that’s when you talk about those boundaries and you, you start saying, I don’t have to do all the things that people ask me to do, and yes, they’re gonna be disappointed because you’re the go-to person and they think, oh, I’m gonna call her. She always does it. She always says, yes, she does a great job. And then that first time you say, you know, I can’t do it this year. And it might be like me where someone actually says, oh, I’m gonna go to the next person on the list.
And I said, wait a minute, there’s a list I’ve been saying yes all along and there’s a freaking list of people, you know, so it’s like, like I said, one choice after another and you can dip your foot in there and say, let me try this, this, this feels risky to say, no, this feels risky to protect my peace, but then you are rewarded and then you keep doing it until it becomes a way of life.
Wendy:
Yeah. Oh my goodness. So good. You’ve already touched on some of this stuff we’re gonna talk about. Well, we’ll get into it in just one moment. One, one last question before we get into like, our first point about this like childlike joy idea. So like, for me it’s been such a journey with like, so I have my parenting side of the education work I do, and that I’ve like implemented into my own life, right? Like it’s changed my own life and then I help change the life of so many families, right? But then there’s a life coaching side of things where it’s like, there is so much healing through feeling, right? So here’s my question for you. Like there’s the logical brain that’s like, just say no, just create that space. Like they’ll be fine. And then there’s like the habit, like limiting belief brain that’s just like so desperate, right?
So like, has there, was there moments for you that you, like for me for this, like for example, this last week and then I was working on this, I mean, I just, like, as I was working and bringing awareness to this limited in belief, I just was like sobbing, like sobbing, like uncontrollably. There’s so much emotion. Obviously you can tell I’m a feeler to begin with, but when there’s like something that I’ve been carrying around for so long that I need to let go of, and then I always just feel better. Like, it’s like it heals me to like, let me, is was there moments like that for you where you just like had like healing through feeling and then you were actually able to be like, no, I’m not going to volunteer for that, or I’m not gonna take another trip, or whatever it may be.
Was there moments like that for you? Or did you just have a like night and day moment where you were like, I’m gonna start saying no more?
Rachel:
No, no. It was definitely these basically like painful truths kept coming up for me. It would be either like a look on my child’s face or it would be something inside of me that would just feel like, this is really uncomfortable. So I call these like external cues. Cues that you are not living the way you wanna live or something’s painful. Now, when I was living my highly distracted life, I was really good at just pushing that uncomfortable feeling away.
But when I became more aware on my hands free journey, I realized those cues, like that pained look on my child’s space when I criticize her or I want her to do something better, you know? Or I dismiss my husband when he’s trying to give me a hug before he leaves. You know, tho those are moments I started paying attention to and having that moment to say, okay, this is a moment that feels uncomfortable. Why? Why is this uncomfortable?
And to sit with that, and it would always kind of come back to I am, I’m not giving the the people that I love the time that I want to. I feel like I’m putting all my energy out here to strangers, literal strangers instead of the people that I love the most. And so it’s, it’s kind of like you have that realization and then you just begin to notice when do I have chances to choose something different? So then you’re going along, you’re living your life.
You remember that that was a painful moment, you said, I just pushed my husband out the door and instead of having a moment with him, maybe instead of picking up my phone first thing in the morning, I am not gonna pick up my phone. I’m going to connect to my inner world before I connect to my outer world. So it’s, it’s literally becoming aware. And then you don’t know what that’s gonna look like. You don’t know what that new choice, but you’re paying attention and you’re saying, there it is. Someone’s asking me to come on Saturday and do an interview and I don’t, I really don’t wanna work on Saturdays anymore.
I wanna protect my Saturdays. You say, here it is, this is, here’s an opportunity. And then you check yourself, and I really like to get some accountability. So I told my family what I was doing and I said to them, Hey guys, on Saturdays I’m going hands free, which means I’m not going to be on my phone. I’m putting away my to-do list. I’m not gonna be signing up for volunteer duties, and I wanna do something as a family. Well, now this is when they were little, I don’t know as teenagers if they would be so gung-ho, but when they were little, they were like, yes, we, yes mom, we wanna do this with you.
And I call it going public because once you put it out there that these are the changes I’m trying to make, I would really like your support. And I was, I was afraid at first that I was gonna get judgment because I didn’t think I was gonna do very well at letting go of distraction.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Rachel:
But I told them, I said, I don’t need anyone to scold me or shame me. I need your support because this is hard for me. I’ve been living this way for so long. I’ve been going, going, going, and I’m going to try one choice at a time. And it was amazing because like I would go to my older daughter’s swim meets, which, you know, if you’ve ever been to a swim meet, you know, they’re really long and you can knock out a lot of stuff, you know? So this time I was like, here’s a choice. Don’t bring your work to the swim meet. And sure enough, with my open lap, my younger daughter sat right on there and she put her arms around the back of my neck and she said, this is the mom I always wanted
Wendy:
My God
Rachel:
And I could have shamed myself in that moment. I could have said, Rachel, she’s been waiting for you to be available. But I didn’t. I said, you know what? I am here now. I made this choice. I put down productivity and I chose connection. That’s how this whole journey gets started is just one choice.
Wendy:
Oh my gosh, yes, yes. Everything, everything, everything. Okay, I can do that. I can do that one little choice at a time, and yes, I can, everything you share is with such a sense of curiosity. Like right, there’s a tone of curiosity and there’s an opportunity and it’s an experiment. Let’s see how this feels like, even though I doubt that I’m capable of this, I’m gonna try it and just see how it goes. And then, like you said, the rewards, they like solidify your capability and like your, your intuition was spot on, you know, like, it just Oh, absolutely. I think the, it’s like the rewards, like, you know, creating the new habit you have like the, you have to take the rewards and it’s like, it dings the brain.
Like, okay, this is good. We wanna do more of this is from what I’ve learned from habit forming, so
Rachel:
Absolutely.
Wendy:
Oh, so good. Okay. Well, yeah, I, I think of, too, I was just working with some clients in, in our past coaching session on this of like, the message we were given a lot, which seemed like, you know, to the past generation, such a wise message of, to give to children and do your best. You need to do your best. Are you doing your best? Do you think you do better? You know, what were you thinking? Shame on you, you know better.
Rachel:
Yes.
Wendy:
And it’s like, man, it seems like it’s on rerun in a lot of our brains. Like, so many of those messages just get, they become like, they’re just second nature to us.
Rachel:
Oh, absolutely.
Wendy:
So even though, yeah, it’s like even though you did 20 things today and you, you took the moments and you loved and you showed compassion, whatever it may be, like, you could have done more.
Rachel:
Oh, always
Wendy:
That is an underlying
Rachel:
Always
Wendy:
Feeling or thought. It’s not a feeling, it’s a thought that I am actively committed to breaking and helping my clients and, and students break too, because it’s freaking life destroying.
Rachel:
Oh, absolutely.
Wendy:
So, so good. Okay. Well, all right, Talk to us. Okay, so we’ve talked about overwhelm and I’m sure the idea like we, you know, you, you shared a bit about the, the idea of perfectionism and, and how it’s linked. And I’m sure more will come out through this conversation, but like, what do you mean, Rachel? By igniting childlike joy in the sense of overwhelm. So you had shared how doing that, by creating small pockets of unstructured time and then second, giving yourself space to express yourself and be authentic. And then third, giving yourself to permission to remember who you are and to come as you are. But just share with us more, like, we’ll get into number one here in a second, but what do you mean childlike joy?
Rachel:
Well, one of the things that comes up at almost every retreat that I hold, I have a Soul Shift R etreat. We talk, the, the way we start out is we talk about, you know, what do we wanna reclaim in our lives and what do we wanna release? And almost probably 50% of us say we want to reclaim our joy. And I remember vividly, you know, when my journey started and we were heading out of town and the car was packed, we were going somewhere fun, we’re pulling out, and I’m complaining about the dishes weren’t, you know, put away, the house wasn’t cleaned up, we’re we’re, we’re late getting on the road.
And Scott turned to me and said, you’re never happy anymore. And he didn’t say it like a judgment or a criticism, it was literally a matter of fact, like almost like a mourning of someone who’s not there anymore. He said, you’re never happy anymore. And I couldn’t deny that, you know, as a perfectionist, I was good at like saying, what are you talking about? You know, that’s not right. But I was like, he’s absolutely right. I’m not happy anymore. Where, where did my joyful self go? I mean, I used to carry Twizzlers in my purse and I would say hi to every dog and cat I walked by, you know, I was like, where did she go?
And over time I realized, you know, that little dreamer girl, that’s what I call her, my dreamer girl who loved to write in notebooks. And she made mixed tapes like nobody’s business cuz she loves music. And she did. She brought in stray cats, she climbed trees. That is my joyful little self. And I thought she was gone because I had grown up, you know, and you have all these adult responsibilities and you think back to the schedule, you don’t have time to go, go toward what delights your heart.
Well, it’s no wonder we feel so depleted and hopeless and frustrated because we’re not doing anything to spark that joy, that dreamer inside of us that is still alive and well.
Wendy:
Yes. Okay, that makes sense.
Rachel:
Yeah.
Wendy:
Now I understand. I swear I was telling the team, I was like, what? I dunno what she means. Like, overwhelmed sucks. Like overwhelm is like so shitty. How am I gonna find childlike joy? But I get that like, yeah, it’s there. It’s always there and it just will guide you.
Rachel:
We bury it, we cover it up with all the stuff, you know?
Wendy:
Yep.
Rachel:
But then just having those, you know, I I, I stumbled across this beautiful bench swing during the writing of my fourth book. I was out taking a walk, found this swing in the middle of nowhere. And I was like, well, I gotta sit on this swing. And I sat on that swing instead of, you know, I gotta get my miles in, I gotta keep going. I sat on that swing and I remembered my four year old self when my kitten passed away swinging on that swing and just feeling like God’s love just pouring down on me and saying, it’s going to be okay, Rachel.
And I’m sitting there on that swing remembering that feeling of being seen and loved and held. And I thought, I forgot how much I love to swing. And so I made it a point for, for the rest of that writing of that book, I thought, you’re gonna swing at least once a week. And on that swing for 20 minutes, I found so much peace that was just a matter of reconnecting to that part of me and that feeling of being small and being held and not like I have to hold the whole world in my hands that I am being held.
Wendy:
Oh my gosh, yes. And that is an example of that point number one you have of giving yourself small pockets of unstructured time. And maybe you can speak more to it, but that’s a perfect example, right? And again, like literally everything you say, Rachel, I relate to everything. I’m like, are you like in my brain? Right? It’s exactly it, right? Like if I’m walking the dogs, I mean, it’s literally, I probably just thought this thought last night. Like I sit on the bench and I watch the sunset when we get to the edge and I feel a little guilty about it. And it’s like, it’s so funny. Like to now I’m gonna sit on that dang bench and I’m gonna be like, this is amazing. Instead of walking further or the dogs need more exercise or whatever, I’m just gonna sit and I’m gonna see what God reveals to me with such peace and unstructured time.
But,
Rachel:
And you, and you can say to yourself, I’m worthy of this moment to breathe. I don’t have to do anything to earn this. I’m worthy just because I’m here. And so many times we don’t let ourselves rest until we do X, Y, Z and we have to stop doing that. We’re worthy of it just because.
Wendy:
And that’s such a great example of just one little choice, one little like, so that that was a split second choice. That moment you said on that, that swing, it was like, you know, your brain was like, well your, you haven’t gotten your steps in yet. You, whether you have a watch on or whatever it may be your Fitbit. It’s like, you should keep, you know, and then the other little voice was like, you know what, maybe you should just sit and rest and have a minute of unstructured time and, and you just made a choice in that moment to listen. And that was just one choice, right? So like that’s just seems so doable to me to remind us that we are also capable. And then the joy that came from it is just obviously so,
Rachel:
So well, and when you can do this with the people you love, it’s really powerful. And I’m, I’m just gonna tell you like this, this is a recent experience of mine. So people don’t say, oh, she’s cured. You know, she doesn’t have the task taskmaster brain anymore. It is still literally a constant for me. But I took Avery, my daughter to get an X-ray and she asked if she could get a pic – a biscuit on the way back. And I am, I’m calculating, we stop, we get the biscuit, there’s a seven minute drive to school, she can eat the biscuit while we go and she’ll be on time. And she says, can we sit in the parking lot and, and let me just eat this biscuit.
And I had a little discussion with myself and I said, yes we can. And we sat there in the parking lot and the sun was coming up and this beautiful song came on the RO radio and she talked and she happily ate her biscuit, you know, and she was 15 at the time, you know, so these, these are special.
Wendy:
Oh my gosh.
Rachel:
And I thought to myself, you know, she was 10 minutes late to school, but what’s the point in being there on time if you’re not gonna be prepared and ready? You know, if you shove them out the door after she’s gone through this pretty traumatic experience, it’s, it’s, it’s not worth it. That’s not how we should treat our children. That’s not how we should treat ourselves. And to know that someday when Avery’s on her own and she’ll say, I wanna stop and I wanna enjoy my food. And she’ll remember that me and her stopped and we, we had that moment.
We didn’t rush off. I’m showing her how to take care of herself in this crazy, distracted, hurried world. And what a gift that is.
Wendy:
Yes. Oh my gosh, why does everything you say make me like ball? Obviously, like it’s the funny combination of like total relatability. Like that is exactly what I do with the dang, my children don’t ask for biscuits, but they ask for other things. And it’s like exactly what I do, I calculate my mind is so tired, like it is so full. Like I do exactly that. I calculate everything. And the, the idea of making just a different choice of like saying yes to that is so inspiring. So it’s like, what’s so emotional? It’s like, it brings me so much like, okay, I’m normal, I’m not broken you.
Rachel:
Exactly.
Wendy:
And then it’s also like, that’s so inspiring.
Rachel:
Yeah.
Wendy:
And I know my children are craving that so much. They crave it and, but then they also get used to it like the way of life, right? And then you, and then all of a sudden you’re just passing down a generational cycle of like the rat race. So Yeah. Oh gosh. Okay. Rachel, stop making me cry. I’m just kidding. I love crying. I actually love it. I’m gonna feel so good after this interview. I’m gonna feel like a million bucks. Cause I’m just allowing myself to like weep as you speak. And I, if I’m weeping, I know other people that are listening are weeping with, with joy. Joyful tears. Okay, second, we just have this idea of giving yourself space to be authentic and to express yourself. And that’s a way of like having childlike joy.
So talk to us a little bit about that.
Rachel:
So this kind of goes back to like the boundary issue where we’re talking about when we have these opportunities to fill all of the spaces and we become aware that we don’t wanna fill all the spaces. And so we ask ourselves, well hold on. Before I say yes, I’m going to say, what do I want to do? So that’s a novel question that we don’t often ask ourselves. Pause before you have a chance to fill the space of your life and say, but what do I want to do? And then you have to vocalize that.
Oftentimes that means saying, I need time to do this, or I’m gonna need to walk this off, or whatever it is. Then you are, you are expressing your needs rather than trying to figure out what does this person want me to do? What do, what do they want me to say? Because I think we run our, our our choices through filters oftentimes because we’re so used to being the peacemaker, the, the accommodator, you know, the holding up the world. And so learning to express what we want and what our needs are, it is a process.
But it, again, it starts with asking yourself, but what do I wanna do? And then you have to start practicing that.
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This free five day mini course is going to give you a solid understanding of the root causes of misbehavior so you can redirect your kids towards better behavior and do it in a way where you use compassion and dignity and connection, empathy and firm kind limits so you really feel proud of the way you parented when you lay your head on your pillow at night. Okay? So I don’t want you to miss this invitation. We don’t quite have the registration link ready yet, but once we do, we will be emailing that information out. We will of course let you know on the podcast here too, but it’s just best if you can make sure that you’re on our email list so we can definitely be in communication with you. Okay? So again, hop on over to the website, freshstartfamilyonline.com, grab our most popular free learning guide about How to Raise Strong Willed kids with Integrity.
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And sometimes you’re gonna look back and say, wow, I just committed to something that I really don’t wanna do. You’re gonna have compassion for yourself. Cuz you can say, this is how I’ve been operating my whole life. This is how I learned to be loved and accepted. But now I know my worth is not defined by how much I do for other people. I’m worthy because I am here, I am showing up and I am the one who gets to decide how much I can handle and how I wanna live my life.
Cuz trust me, no one’s going to look out for your best interests. Nobody. Yeah. Except for you. You’re the only one. And so learning to start expressing, even if it’s someone asks you, where do you wanna go to dinner? Instead of running it through a filter of what do I think they want me to say? What do I think they wanna go to dinner, you say, you know, I, I actually really feel like getting some Greek food tonight. And then everyone goes, oh, and you say, Hey, you just asked me what I wanted and I’m telling you that’s what I want. And then you stick with it, you don’t back down.
That’s a very simple example, but just getting a chance to say what you want starts with, you know, where do you wanna go to dinner? Or I don’t feel like cooking instead of, well they want me to cook, I’m gonna have to cook. Or, you know, those are just very simple examples. But being able to reclaim your voice, that is a way back to finding what creates joy in your life. If you’re always doing what everybody else expects of you or wants you to do, you’re not going to ever be speaking for that little uninhibited joyful part of yourself that, that really is honed in on what brings you joy, what brings you peace.
Until you put space and you create space to hear your voice, to say what you need. You’re just going to keep living this life of honestly resentment. Cuz you’re gonna say, I never get to do what I wanna do. I’m always doing for other people. And you’re angry. Well, that anger is a service to you. It’s telling you you are not protecting yourself, you’re not nurturing yourself. So take it back one self reclamation moment at a time. One self-honoring behavior at a time.
Wendy:
Anger is a service. Dang, that is so a hundred percent true. Amen to that.
Rachel:
Yeah,
Wendy:
That’s so helpful, Rachel. I just did this last night with the friends we’re going to dinner with tomorrow night. And now that I think about it, I did the opposite of what you’re saying to do. I moved very fast and it was like a, sounds like that’s what she wants. We’ll go there. And it, it was fine in the end, like I’m like, I really am happy with either of these two choices, but, but looking at what you’re recommending, it could have taken me 20 seconds to just take a deep breath and ask myself that question and then come from a place of answering the text from an authentic, you know, joyful childlike place instead of just quick, I gotta get to this, I gotta like, sh let’s just make her happy.
Because Terry did ask me this morning, he’s like, oh, you didn’t wanna, sushi didn’t sound good? And I was like, oh my gosh. I didn’t even stop to ask him. Like, my habit is just very, very fast. It’s like a freight train. I
Rachel:
Just Exactly.
Wendy:
It’s shit done, man. Move along.
Rachel:
Exactly.
Wendy:
And, and it does, it steals the joy. So, oh my gosh, so good. Okay. And then the la the last point we had on how to ignite childlike joy in the middle of grownup overwhelmed is giving ourselves permission to remember who we are and to come as you are. And everything you’ve shared with us during this interview speaks to this Rachel. But maybe just some parting words for this one.
Rachel:
Yeah, so one of the most interesting quotes that I came across when I was writing my fourth book, Live Love Now, and that’s for connecting with teenagers, was this quote by Dr. William Damon who talked about, well, he wrote the, The Path to Purpose. And so all his research is on finding purpose. And so Dr. Damon talked about how we need this exploration, or teenagers need this exploration process, this this process to fall down, to get up, to make mistakes, to, to feel stress.
You know, he says all stress is not created equal when we are doing something we feel passionate about, we are revitalized. In fact, he said there’s even some kind of like guards against depression and anxiety when you are doing something you feel passionate about. Well, I read that and I thought, well, that explains, well, sometimes I get really scared to do things that like my heart is pushing me. Like, you should go talk to that, that group, you know, do do that speaking event. It means you’re gonna have to travel a very long way, which I’m, I’m kind of directionally challenged.
So it, it always is scary for me, but I’m listening to that little push that’s saying, this feels scary, but it feels like something I wanna try. And when I think about Dr. Damon’s research and I think, all right, this is gonna be stressful for me, but when I go and I use my gifts and I share my passion, I am revitalized. And so when you think about how we structure our lives, that we don’t have that exploration process where we think, well, I used to love to do art, but I’m no good at it now.
Or my mom and dad told me I would never be an artist. You know, we hang onto those things and we think, why not now? Why not try getting out your paints? Or maybe you wanna bake and you thought it’d be fun to, to sell cakes or something. And you know, just you have these ideas, they’re in there, but we push ’em away, we shut ’em down. We say, well, it’s too late for that, or I can’t do that. But what if you just try say yes to that scary, yes. You know, it feels scary, but all stress is not created equal.
And when you are doing something you feel passionate about, it makes life exciting, it revitalizes you. And so having what I said was, you know, the unstructured time, the the space to express yourself and the permission to show up as you are a and and just come as you are not no judgment, no standards of, oh, it has to be this good, those three things all come together to create this basically like this little container that you can start fulfilling yourself instead of depleting from yourself.
So instead you’re putting in instead of taking out,
Wendy:
Oh my gosh, which totally is all of that, that little container is the antidote to overwhelm. Like, that’s, that’s what causes you to go to bed at night and be like, oh, I am living a life that is fulfilled and purposeful and and exhilarating. That’s my word. That’s my exhilarating and amazing. And because so many people listening right now, like if you ask them like, what is life they would like, overwhelming would be one of the first words that comes to their mind. Right. So listeners, I hope and pray that this conversation and Rachel’s wisdom has just blessed you beyond belief to take these three ways to ignite childlike joy, to help you overcome or, or get away from overwhelm.
I know it’s helped me and Rachel, I am just beyond honored to have you here today. Like literally my favorite authors, Bob Goff, Shauna Niequist, Brené Brown, and you and the fact that you have said yes and been here with me, I just, again, it’s, it’s an honor. So we have all of your books on our website. We have a, a shop page where we’ve collected our favorite books and resources for, for families over the years, and all of yours will be there. And your new book when it comes out, is it available for pre-order right now?
Rachel:
Yes. And it, it’s, it’s called Soul Shift. It’s the same title as my course that I’ve been teaching for eight years. And it’s, you’ll like this, the subtitle is The Weary Human’s Guide to Getting Unstuck and Reclaiming Your Path to Joy, everything we talked about.
Wendy:
Okay. I am pre-ordering it today. When does it actually release? Like when we’ll drop,
Rachel:
When comes on March 28th.
Wendy:
Okay. March 28th. But you guys just get, get the pre-order in? Yes. Just do it. Get the pre-order in.
Rachel:
It helps, it helps authors so much when people pre-order, I can’t tell you.
Wendy:
That is so good to hear. Okay. So everyone right now, this will definitely, this episode will definitely air before then. So you guys go support Rachel, go get that pre-order in as you, as you heard her say, it really supports her. And then just real quick, tell us about your, your course and then your retreats, because I think I may need to get in on this. Okay. Especially as an entrepreneur. I mean, yes, I’m sure you have a lot of entrepreneurs. I mean, it is just a, a double, you know, it’s a double whammy. I feel like when you’re, you’re that self-drive is just,
Rachel:
Well, and I do think having community to talk about like, you know, just you and I being able to converse about these things that we struggle with is so much more effective than like just learning by yourself, you know? Yeah. And that’s what I have these communities for. And my Soul Shift course, I run one that goes online. I usually run that every fall. It’s eight weeks. And I tried to make the lessons like super short, like 10 minutes a day, just like what we talked about. I give you a very small step or small tool to implement in your life. And then my retreats are basically the same content, but just condensed because it’s, you know, just a weekend.
But I, the retreats, you just have to follow my Hands Free Revel – Handsfree Revolution Facebook page or my Instagram, the Hands Free Revolution, because I will post when and where those retreats are. I can tell you that there will be one next November, there will be one next October 27th through the 29th in North Carolina at the Art of Living in Boone. And it is the most beautiful mountaintop retreat center. So that is something that we can look forward to and plan, you know, if we wanna plan ahead.
Wendy:
Wow. My daddy was raised in North Carolina, so that might be really nice.
Rachel:
There you go.
Wendy:
Oh my gosh. Okay, Rachel, and then of course, and then website. And let’s just be one more time website and we’ll make sure we put everything in the show notes page. But is it handsfree…
Rachel:
mama.com. Handsfreemama.com is the website and then Hands Free Revolution for my social media.
Wendy:
Okay, perfect. All right everyone, thank you so much for being here, Rachel. We really, really just honor and cherish this conversation and your time today.
Rachel:
Aw, thank you so much. I enjoyed it.
Wendy:
All right, families, that’s a wrap. I hope you love today’s episode as much as I loved recording it for you. If you don’t follow me yet over on Instagram, make sure you come find me. I’m @FreshStartWendy. I love to show up over on that platform in just a really real, authentic, vulnerable way so you guys can get to know me kind of more on a day-to-day basis on, you know, what I’m, what I’m doing with my kids and what I’m loving. you know, I often share books that I’m enjoying reading or faith practices like right now at the time of this recording, I’m really loving some of the advent resources that I found recently. And I also do a ton of free education and tips over there in kind of bite size formats, right?
So I’ll share reels or informational posts that are just quick little hits to inspire you. And so it’s just a fun place to hang out with me, And I really think it’s also a great way to be able to message one another. I enjoy doing voice memos sometimes for students or for listeners of the podcast Fresh Start, Family Show over there. And so please come find me. Okay. I’m also going to be sharing a lot about the free kickstart program that starts on January 30th. Once registration is live, I will make sure that I share links for you to be able to go save your seat and get registered for that incredibly life changing event that we’re gonna be starting in late January. And so it’s just a, it’s just really good to make sure you are following me and that you’re in communication with me over there.
All right, once again, I am @FreshStartWendy over on Instagram. Thanks so much for listening. I appreciate every single one of you who cares so much about your family and your kids. And for your support of Fresh Start Family and the Fresh Start Family Show.
For links and more information about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/154.
Stella:
For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening, families, have a great day.
