To kick off Season 2 of the Fresh Start Family Show and throughout the month of October we are talking about all things discipline! 

Mr. Chazz … the incredible and vibrant parent & teacher coach, is helping us to kick off this new season with an incredibly empowering conversation about how focusing on connection + disciplining with compassion will help our kids to learn 3 of the most important life skills:

1. Building and maintaining healthy and meaningful relationships

2. Understanding your own needs and learning how to meet them

3. Becoming creative thinkers through problem solving

This episode encourages us ALL to go the extra mile to give up the hurtful, painful ways of MAKING our kids to comply … and teach with discipline & connection based strategies that set them up with necessary life skills to thrive! 

Raising A Strong Willed, Intense or Sensitive Child? If yes, I have a FREE gift for you!

This free bundle comes with an extensive learning guide & FREE workshop with me, where I’ll teach you ways to build connection & methods to work WITH your strong willed kids instead of trying to MAKE THEM change. 

Inside this FREE learning bundle I’ll teach you:
*Firm & kind strategies to navigate challenging behavior with firm kindness & connection (vs. fear, force, yelling, threats & bribery)
*Ways to build connection instead of pushing your child away w/ heavy handed “hand me down parenting tactics”
*How to work WITH your kids instead of forcing them to comply or trying to MAKE them change

Click here to grab your free bundle now & start learning today!

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Episode Highlights:

• How Mr. Chazz became Mr. Chazz
• Seeing past “fine”
• Recognizing hurtful, painful discipline practices
• New approaches to discipline
• Adopting “compassionate discipline” practices
• Helping your kids to build and maintain healthy and meaningful relationships
• Modeling how to recognize and address your own needs
• Teaching your kids creative thinking and problem solving through compassionate discipline

Resources Mentioned:

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Not able to listen or want to read along with us?

Here is the episode transcript!

Wendy Snyder:
This episode is brought to you by the free, Fresh Start Family Firm and Kind Compassionate Discipline Learning Guide and Worksheet. You can grab your copy at FreshStartFamilyonline.com/disciplineguide. Well, Hey there listeners, it is time for a new episode. I am your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And on today’s episode, we have Chazz Lewis who is just an incredible educator. You guys, Chazz is really well known for his work over on Instagram.

Wendy Snyder:
He’s well known for a lot, but he has built a very, very special Instagram community where he does so much education that is fun and creative and powerful and encouraging, and also challenging what he does. He shares a ton of videos and kind of educational short clips on Instagram that really make you stop and think they challenge your thinking sometimes. And they really encourage you to step back and to learn and to grow. And his energy is just, just infectious. He’s just got this smile and this personality that I know that you are just going to fall in love with too.

Wendy Snyder:
So I’m just going to take you a, take a few minutes here to tell you about Chazz and then tell you about this conversation and why it’s so special to me. So Chazz’s mission in life is to enjoy the process of becoming his best version of himself and help others do the same. He envisions a world where adults truly see guide and trust children. He goes by Mr. Chazz, and he even has a song to prove it. He is an educational specialist who teaches teachers to teach. And remember guys, we as parents, we are all teachers, but he teaches teachers to teach in a chain of child development centers. He closely works with eight different schools, hundreds of teachers and thousands of children.

Wendy Snyder:
He has trained thousands of teachers in person and virtually. He has been featured on good morning America. And he earned his masters in executive leadership at American university. He has over 250,000 followers on Tik TOK. He’s over there as MrChazzMrchazz, and 150,000 on Instagram. And he’s known there as Mr. Chazz. He is in the process of writing a book, which I will be the first one to order. He has his own podcast called Mr. Chazz’s leadership parenting and teaching podcast game about how as parents, The goal is NOT fine when we are raising our children.

Wendy Snyder:
Now you hear thing a lot. You’ll hear us talk all about it. Terry’s on the episode today too. And it’s was so fun to have him be part of this conversation, but this is a term that gets thrown out a lot in society specifically, when those of us who are adults often are talking about how we were raised. Well, we grew up where we were hit and we’re fine. We grew up in a home where X, Y, and Z happened. And look at us, we’re fine. But really guys, The goal is NOT fine. So the goal is actually to teach our kids important life lessons. And really the reason why I invited Chazz to be on the show to talk about this today is because I see this in a lot of the students that I work with.

Wendy Snyder:
So a lot of the parents I work with who show up with such a huge open heart to learn and grow and to break painful generational cycles and do things differently with their kids. They often will work really hard to learn a new way. And then when they are up against an edge or when they feel like, you know, that fight flight or fright fight flight or freeze part of their brain is just engaged. And they’re like, oh my gosh, fire’s coming out of my head. I don’t know what to do right now. I don’t remember exactly what Wendy taught me a lot of times, it’s human nature to revert to what we know, right? So a lot of times they’ll make it 90% of the time.

Wendy Snyder:
And then the last 10%, they’ll just revert to hitting or spanking or shaming or forcing or overpowering all the things, you know, I mean, in our community, we get really, really vulnerable and real and open and honest about the things that we’ll do sometimes to make our children cooperate. There is no shame here at Fresh Start Family. The only way you can learn and grow is when you show up to the table and say, Hey, you raise your hand and say, Hey, I keep doing this and I don’t want to anymore. It doesn’t feel right with my heart. But what happens is the learn a new way. And then right at the last minute, they’ll kind of revert to the spanking or the revert to some of the stuff that they used to do.

Wendy Snyder:
And that voice comes into their head of like, well, I grew up like this. My kids will be fine, or I have to do this or else my kids will grow up to be entitled maniac and breaths. Right? I mean, come on. I can’t be the only one who ever had these thoughts. So I, what the conversation I’m having with Chazz, I want I’m, I’m praying. And I know it will, will encourage us all to go the extra mile and get a hundred percent committed to giving up the externally controlled, overpowering, hurtful, painful ways of making our children comply because The goal is NOT fine.

Wendy Snyder:
The goal is to teach our kids important, life lessons and Chazz and Terry and I are going to talk about three of the most important life skills. We want to teach our kids that happen when we teach, when we use compassionate discipline, when we, you know, access our creativity and our patient and our, our patients and our compassion skills to work with our children instead of making them comply. So you’ll hear it here. You’ll hear me teaching on Instagram a lot this month about discipline. And I just thought this conversation was the perfect compliment to everything that I’m teaching right now in my bonfire, private support community.

Wendy Snyder:
We are focusing on discipline this month on Instagram. I’m focusing on teaching on discipline. I’m teaching a free workshop later this month on discipline. So we are talking about discipline. So I can’t wait for you to listen to this episode. You guys thank you for following along. Please go find Mr. Chazz follow along with his work, support his work. We are just so grateful for each and every one of you who listens to the show. If you are listening right now or during this episode, and you’re like, dang, I love it. Please screenshot it on your phone and then share over on Instagram. Making sure you tag me. I’m at Fresh Start, Wendy and tag Chaz. He’s at Mr. Chazz.

Wendy Snyder:
So guys without further ado, enjoy this episode. If you haven’t yet, make sure you leave us a review over on iTunes. That is how we get seen in the iTunes world. And the more we are seen, the more families we can support all over the world with these episodes packed full of free curriculum, free encouragement, free inspiration, free motivation, and your reviews. Every time you leave us a review, they help us grow this podcast. So thank you guys so much for listening. Enjoy this episode.

Stella Snyder:
Well, Hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast. The Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy. You’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus and rock and roll and believe deeply in the true power of loving kindness together. We hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.

Wendy Snyder:
Well, Hey there, families And welcome to a new episode of The Fresh Start Family show. I’m your host, Wendy Snyder. I’m here with Terry today and we are thrilled, thrilled to welcome Chazz Lewis to the show. Welcome Chazz.

Chazz Lewis:
Thanks for having me. Thanks for having me. And I’m happy to be here and yeah, I’m happy to be here and talk about this topic and have this conversation because I haven’t had a lot of opportunities to really dive deep into this. So this I’m, I’m excited for this.

Wendy Snyder:
Yes, I am. I am over here just slightly freaking out because I am so obsessed with your work. And I just honestly, like, I want you to know like listeners Chazz is doing incredible work in the world. And when I get into like the presence of someone like that, it just feels like such an honor that you have taken time out of your day Chaz, to be with us because I just, I cherish your work and the way you speak to and reach families is just like, it blows my mind. And I’m just so thankful for what you’re doing. So thank you. You got a gift and you’re using it. So what, what, we’re going to talk about, your Welcome. What we’re going to talk about today, listeners is how the goal when we’re raising small, precious human souls is not fricking fine.

Wendy Snyder:
The goal is not fine! Chazz is actually going to talk to us about the three most important life skills that we want to teach kids as we’re raising these human little souls. And the reason why we landed on this today, when I reached out to Chazz was I had saw one of your videos one day Chazz. And it just like stopped me to my core, all of your videos. I mean, every single one of your freaking videos was like magic magic. But this one video this one day had stopped me because you had shared how, you know, you were encouraging parents to take a break from corporal punishment and hitting their kids and, or choosing a different way, right?

Wendy Snyder:
Learning a different way, and being able to influence their children with compassion or whatever. And you had someone comment that said, Hey, look, I’ve hit my kids. I hit my kids their whole life. And they grew up to be doctors and lawyers. And you did this beautiful video speaking to how you know, the goal is not actually to create doctors and lawyers. And you’ve actually done so many videos, including the one that was on good morning, America, right? About what are you going to be when you grow up? Well, the goal is not to great to raise kids to grow up, to just have these successful careers. But the goal is to raise children who are emotionally well, you’ll have great relationships who have the ability to solve conflicts peacefully who have the ability to just all the things we’re going to talk about today, how that was the goal and in your normal like way you do it with comedy.

Wendy Snyder:
And you bring in that particular video, which I’ll make sure we link it into the show notes here. But you, you, you know, you have such passion in this message that’s so wise. And then at the end, you joked, I love this part. Well, at least if they’re doctors and lawyers, they’re going to have plenty of money to pay for lifelong therapy. Right. And what I loved it, what I loved also, Chazz is afterwards. I loved seeing your community, which man, your community. I mean the way like you have curated a community that is so impressive, like you, you just, your people, they rally around you and they have great conversations and it’s open dialogue and it’s not, it’s beautiful.

Wendy Snyder:
It’s beautiful. The way you curate that community in those conversations. But there was a of people I saw chime in that was like, Hey, look, I’m going to raise my hand and say in, by on the paper, I’m really successful in life. And I got some stuff, I got some stuff I’m working through that, man. It’s been, it’s been a journey. So I want to hear about that. I want to hear about all those engagements you had and as you were sharing them, I was like, man, that is really incredible knowledge for people to hear. And I’m going to, I must speak a little bit more to that in a second, but first Chazz, will you take the mic for a minute and just introduce yourself and tell us how you got here.

Wendy Snyder:
I read your bio in the intro, but holy smokes, you’ve done a lot and helped thousands and thousands of parents and teachers. And how do you do it all? And how did you get here?

Chazz Lewis:
Yeah. Oh man. That’s a, that’s a story in itself. I’ll try to do the short version. So I started off myself as a Montessori teacher. And when I first started, I was didn’t know a lot. I had a three, there was like a three-day practicum that you do when the, at least the company that I was at, there was a three-day practicum. One day is like HR stuff. Another day is just like really roles. And then the third day is you watch a few videos from like 1950, whatever.

Chazz Lewis:
And it’s, I remember it wasn’t even DVD. It was VCRs that they were putting in and then you go into the classroom and is, you know, you’re kind of expected to, you know, just, it’s kind of like a sink or swim kind of thing. And at first, like the first like moment, I felt like I was swimming because I was able to connect with the children. And then when conflict would arise, that’s where I really felt like I was sinking. And I really struggled a lot in the beginning kind of fast forward. I found mentors. I, you know, did you know, daily reflection? I had leaders who really believed in me and send me to trainings all the time I’ve learned and learned and grew, grew and grew, and grew eventually became way more confident.

Chazz Lewis:
And, you know, working with children and understanding children became had, and from going in that, that first day, going in the room where it was 30 children, and you imagine 30 children, like that’s, you know, anyone who has one or two children know like how emotional, how many emotions, you know, come out just for water to children, children, imagine 30 in a room with not having a lot of skills and a lot of things to fight over. That was really hard for me. And I just remember being really, really, really, really, really, really stressed because I understood the gravity of what I was doing, but I didn’t have growing the next generation of humans.

Chazz Lewis:
I didn’t know how to do that. And I didn’t know if I was helping or harming. Sometimes I’d go into these situations and they’d maybe be bickering and I try to help. And then they didn’t find anything. And I’m like, oh man, like, am I growing the next generation of humans, but doing it in the wrong direction? Like w what am I missing here? So over time I learned, I grew, I became more confident, became the lead, have my own classroom, my own little, you know, community of little humans. And it kind of became a joke of just like, oh, like put the children and have a hard time in the other classrooms. And Mr.

Chazz Lewis:
Justice is possible because he he’ll know what to do. And quite honestly, at the time, I didn’t really, I didn’t, I definitely didn’t always know what to do, but every time I got a new child who did have these kind of individual differences that did struggle with these different things, it was, it was really an opportunity for me to learn and grow and rise to the occasion. And, you know, I really am thankful for those children. And because like, without them, I would not have grown as much as I did in the time that I did teachers started to actually come to me and say, and ask like, Hey, like I need some help. Like I need help with this one thing I would answer kind of casually answer the question.

Chazz Lewis:
And, you know, I remember the first time when the light bulb went off, you know, the teacher came back and she was like, that changed my whole day. And this child whole day, now I need more. Now I need help with this other thing. And that’s when the lights went off for me of just, wow, I love that I can make an impact on, you know, my little community, a few minutes, you know, 20 little humans. But if I can impact teachers, I can impact my impact and be exponential. So I became an educational specialist where my job was to teach teachers, to teach and, you know, and do a million. And one other things, it really a big part of my job was if anyone’s ever watched scandal before I used to say that I was like the Olivia Pope of classrooms, because whenever there was like a problem, you know, I’d be the person who they would call in to try to fix whatever was going on, to assess the situation fairly quickly and to help the teacher and the child be successful.

Chazz Lewis:
Parent, the director, whoever is involved. And so I’d been doing that for awhile. Pandemic happened, the teachers went home, the, the teachers went home, the children went home with the parents, became the 24 7. Everything for children. I saw her parents were really struggling during that time. And I wanted to contribute. I felt like I had a lot of, you know, insight to share with that. I learned in my journey and in my struggle. And I wanted to, to, to share just kind of some insights. And my thought process was if I can create these videos that are short, enjoyable to consume. And at the end of them, you feel like your perspective has grown a little better.

Chazz Lewis:
You’ve learned any tool, or you’ve gotten something of value out of it. At the end of that one minute, little video that I can make a pretty decent impact and, and really help a lot of people. And that just blew up and it grew on Tik TOK on Instagram, on Facebook, it turned into like my own little white podcasts. I can have these bigger conversations more than just the one minute videos. I do the coaching now, too. I’m working on a book to just put it, put it all in texts and print and, and even some of the lessons and some of the stories of, of people who like you’re mentioning, have shared on my Instagram kind of their experiences will likely be included in that book as well.

Chazz Lewis:
Because I think it’s just so powerful when people are, when you get to hear, when you get to hear other people’s experiences and how they, a lot of times we feel alone and like, it’s just us or the people in our little physical community or our family community, you know, maybe we don’t, they don’t have the similar story or we can’t connect to as much, but in this world of seven, 8 billion people, there are other people, there are so many other people who are experiencing something similar and just hearing about it. And just knowing that you’re not alone is therapeutic in itself. So that’s a little bit about how I kind of got here and what I’m doing.

Terry Snyder:
Wow. What a cool combination, or like chain of events that had to happen there just right though. Because like, I think it’s unique that you got to try this out in a classroom. Cause you know, most, most people are doing this within the four walls of their own home with their own kids. And then usually like, you know, whatever you do in your home, for whatever reason, if there’s a stigma or a taboo around like telling your neighbor, Hey, I did this thing at home. You should do that with your kids too. But you able to do that with the teachers, because like that stigma was like removed. You guys were just like, Hey, what’s going on in Europe? Whoa, let me try that. What do you got? You know, and so that’s cool.

Terry Snyder:
You got to, like, you got to learn there. And then it sounds like between that and your natural gift and, and the, the delivery of it, you got to break down another wall of just like here, I’m just going to put this out in this public place in social media for people just to find it, to be changed by it, to laugh, to do all this things, you know, because normally this stuff, like I was saying, it’s like, you know, if people are just kinda like, don’t tell me how to parent, or I’m not gonna, don’t, don’t do this. There’s like, I don’t know, people put up this guard and you’ve just taken down the guard.

Terry Snyder:
Like it’s.

Chazz Lewis:
Well, the great thing about social media is that, you know, I don’t, you know, it, it goes to who it goes to and, you know, it can feel, you know, when you’re getting, when you’re a video pops up on your feed, you know, it can feel less, you know, less like personal, like I’m like, I’m correcting you, but if it’s a safe environment, you can watch it in a safe environment and not feel judged. And just that triggered, you know, we have parents especially have such a tendency to feel judgment around, you know, parenting and like what to do or what not to do.

Chazz Lewis:
And sometimes social media can kind of, kind of allow people to step into that of like the advice without having their guard up without feeling like, oh, so you’re telling me that I’m not doing a good job because of maybe what did they see? How are they seeing them right by my parents? Like, I haven’t seen any of your parenting information. You could share it in a, in a non non-judgemental as I can. And it’s there for you too. It’s, it’s, it’s there for you. And a lot of people, I think another beautiful part about social media and Instagram people, what type of like, I only get on Instagram, you know, some people say I only got to Instagram to, to, to follow people, to learn about parenting stuff or to learn about XYZ.

Chazz Lewis:
And it’s beautiful that like you can go and curate your own, you know, list of teachers from all around the world, from whatever topic that you want to learn about and learn about it in a, in a safe environment, in your own way, the algorithm, you have an algorithm there who’s working very hard to feed you con sometimes a little too hard to feed you content that is relevant to you. And even, you know, they will straight up listen to your conversations and say, Hey, it seems like you’re having a hard time with this, you know, yelling thing. And I heard you talking about you’re struggling with it.

Chazz Lewis:
I heard that conversation. That’s your video that may be helpful in it. And you know, for better or for worse that you could, you know, not really here to talk about that, but whole different podcast. But I think it’s, it’s, it’s a powerful thing.

Wendy Snyder:
Well, Hey there, families, I’m pausing this episode for a quick minute, ask you if you would be interested in learning more about how to design healthy, effective, firm, and kind logical consequences when your kids misbehave or make mistakes. Awesome. I see. So many of you nodding your heads. Yes, yes, yes. Cool. Well, you’re in luck because I’ve designed a free learning guide about how to do exactly that you can head to FreshStartFamilyonline.com/disciplineguide to grab your free download now.

Wendy Snyder:
It is people hate on social and I’m like, man, I love it. Especially Instagram, I’ve successfully trained my Explorer, Explorer feed to only serve me funny animal videos. And it works right. Is it not 99%? It’s Lamas, it’s black labs. It’s, it’s hilarious. But that’s the thing, right? Like you can train it and it will serve you what you are looking for. And that’s what brings me joy. You know, I obviously provide the content, but when I get on there, I’m looking for laughter. But oh my gosh. Well, I am like, literally, I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how you pack so much teaching information into these one minute videos and you it’s just so good listeners.

Wendy Snyder:
I can’t wait for, if you don’t follow Mr. Chazz yet to go find him, but that’s incredible. Okay. So cool to hear about your journey, how you got here. And I’ll also, before we get into our subject, dude, you’re just on good morning, America. That’s crazy. Cause they just DM you one day or where they just like, Hey,

Chazz Lewis:
They just emailed me. Actually, maybe they did DM first. And then they emailed me. I want to say it was like an email and it was, it happened not in a way that I had imagined. I thought we were going to have a meeting. Like she emailed me and she was like, Hey, like we were going to do a segment. And when Kenny Zhou, I’m like, oh yeah, let’s do this soon. So we can talk. I’m thinking like, oh, we’re going to talk about like what we’re going to talk about all the show. Like we’re going to, I wonder what they want to talk about. Like, is there a certain video of some kind of coming with curiosity, not really prepared then there. And then they’re like, Hey, I’m going to push record now because we’re going to do it right now.

Chazz Lewis:
I’m like, oh, oh, okay. I need to take a moment to regulate my life by. So breathe a little bit like, okay, I’m ready. Here we go. Let’s do it. But yeah, it was good stuff.

Wendy Snyder:
Cool. Oh my gosh. I love it. Okay, cool. So let’s talk about this subject matter for the day and because I want to just encourage listeners as we go over these three most important things that we want to teach kids. I want to start off by saying this. Obviously you hear us talking today about things like corporal punishment to hit or not to, or to use fear enforce in your home or not. And at, you know, once, if you don’t already, once you follow Mr. Chazz, you’re going to see that he really is serious when there is a no judgment perspective and lens here. And so as we talk about this, you know, this can be a triggering subject, you guys. And so the language I always like to hear, I always like to use is, you know, we encourage you to take a break and we’re serious when we say there are reasons why, and you know, I couldn’t think of a better person than to fail you guys with encouragement and confidence that taking a break for corporal punishment or using fear, enforcing your home.

Wendy Snyder:
So you can make room to bring in these other tools. So you can really be able to teach your kids these enlightened important life skills that we’re going to talk about is so important. But I do think that there’s this rhetoric that gets like, just spread like wildfire in our nation and probably the world. That’s just like, you know, you, if you use fear and force with your kids, they’ll grow up to be fine. You hear it all the time. Like from people that are like, yeah, I love this idea that, you know, you teach this different way. You teach not to hit kids. You teach how to use compassionate discipline, but I was at my whole life and I’m fine. I’m fine. And they’ll, you know, and then they w with your video, they, they go over further to say, or we will go even further to say, not only am I fine, but I actually grew up to be very successful.

Wendy Snyder:
So that means it must be related to the fear and force that was used to influence me to do good things in life, to become a good human. And, you know, we’re kind of here to say today, it’s actually the opposite is the truth. There’s actually long. There is long-term consequences. Right. And so let’s talk about that. Will you share a little bit about that video? And you, you started to talk a little bit about it earlier, but the responses you got to that, tell us, tell us about that. And, and just what that was like. Cause they were very moving responses.

Chazz Lewis:
Yeah. And I believe with this video I made, I actually made the responses a highlight and I, and I believe it was called it’s called the work cycle. And it’s a lot, a lot of people, instead of you go to my Instagram, you can find that highlight and people kind of sharing what their experiences. And a lot of people said that, you know, like I, so yeah, I had the parent that was super strict. I got hit or shamed or all kinds of things. And now I have a hard time, like I’m in this perfectionistic, you know, mindset and it’s not healthy for me.

Chazz Lewis:
Like I’m still trying to work through it. Or I have a hard time in relationships because like, this is like, I just learned to kind of shut off all the emotions, all in pursuit of this goal and this achievement. And it was all these, all these different stories. And they’re not all the same too. It’s it’s, you know, some people were hit and some people were shaming. I talk about like on the, on the, on the note of just on the note of judgment and the note of feeling judged and you know, it can be hard cause you’re cause you you’re not there yet.

Chazz Lewis:
Or you’re not, you know, you’ve maybe you have hit in the past or maybe you have shamed or you’re currently using shame. Or you’re just recognizing that like, oh man, like when I’m I called them a bad kid, like I’m actually shaming them. That’s not actually helpful too. And you felt that, you know, I broke this and maybe you did break a cycle, right? Like you broke a cycle of like, I’m not going to hit my kids. I’m not going to hit my kids and now, but now w you know, maybe you’re you resort to shaming and it’s great that you broke a cycle, but there is. And there’s opportunity to improve, to improve, improve, improve in the more that you are able to grow in your mental and emotional skills and health, the more capacity you’ll have to give to teach your children these skills.

Chazz Lewis:
And so I talk about, it’s not about being perfect, right? Like don’t focus on being perfect or doing all this stuff perfectly. Like I say, all the time, I think this might be like my tagline. Like, don’t be a perfectionist, be an improvement as the goal isn’t to be perfect every day, the goal is to improve a little every day. And it can be little improvements too. Like it doesn’t have to be this big grandiose like improvement from day to day, week to week, just very small improvements working towards the improvement is something to celebrate. And when we focus on being like so much on us, we’ll just the, our mistakes and the fact that we’re not perfect and we’re not this perfect Instagram, a mother or father that doesn’t really exist, but we see on Instagram because it’s there just curating a moment.

Chazz Lewis:
I snap a picture. And that’s what you, you think that it’s real, it’s that that’s real life. And that is, you know, that’s representative of what their most of their days are like. And so you’re looking at that and you’re shaming yourself because you’re not that perfect person, parent that doesn’t exist. And that gets in the way of actually improving. So first off, we want to say that now, in terms of the things that we want to teach, and we have a tendency to a lot of times the goal, even when we get into, especially when children start getting into school, like the main parenting goal becomes just high grades, you know, straight A’s or high grades so that they can get into the college so that they can get the jobs so that they can get the money and then they will be happy.

Chazz Lewis:
Right. And that is what equates to a happy, meaningful life. But we know that that is not true now. Yes, you do need, you know, enough, you know, enough resources to, so that you’re not, you know, you’re not in survival mode so that your needs are met. You do need enough resources that your needs are met, but that’s not necessarily, there are so many things that you can do there that isn’t the CEO or the lawyer or the doctor, but so much will just push children in that direction. And I like, especially, you know, in different cultures, it’s understandable.

Chazz Lewis:
Like it’s a lot of times it comes from this, our own survive, our own upbringing and just where we felt like we had to survive. And so we are, you know, and it comes with all the best intentions. Like we want children when, you know, maybe we didn’t have enough money or resources. We really were struggling when we were growing up. And so now our main things, like you have to become a doctor and Laura, and so you can get, so you can say, you can get the money and so that you don’t go through what I went through. And so it makes sense to, to how we get here, but we know that, you know, and ask the doctor or the lawyers or the CEOs and the people, the millionaires, the billionaires that, you know, it’s not the, it’s not the money that makes it, you know, the, the life worth it, ask the people on their, on their death bed.

Chazz Lewis:
Right. Is it, is it about the money that they’ve been able to stack throughout their lives? No. Which brings me to my first part. It’s more about them, the relationships that we have with people, right? A lot of times we will in pursuit of the monetary goal or the achievement, we will harm our relationships. And then we achieve the thing. And then we’ll lonely. You’re w you know, we don’t feel really fulfilled because we don’t have those meaningful connections with people. We’ve, we’ve learned to ignore our emotions and therefore, nor our connection with other people. And so now it’s, you know, now we have the thing, but we’re still not, we’re still not, you know, happy or fulfilled.

Chazz Lewis:
Right. And when you think about it relationships, so, you know, number one goal to create, build, and maintain meaningful, healthy relationships, right. That is a skill that is something that’s going to be important in every part of their life. Right. And every job that they have, relationships are going to be a part of it, to some extent there, you know, if they choose to have a partner, right. They, you know, even if it’s not even not, not even just marriage, right. Just a relationship with two people, even friendships, right.

Chazz Lewis:
Learning to create and maintain a build. These healthy relationships are essential for humans. We are an interdependent species. We depend on each other. And that is just that’s. That is that’s life. That’s, that’s, that’s true. Like we depend on each other. We can’t live life by ourselves. Right. We do depend on each other. So creating what, and whether you are the CEO at the top of the company, or you are the, you know, you are the middle manager or somewhere in between, or you’re the intern building, creating, maintaining those relationships are going to be important in there.

Chazz Lewis:
And also by the way, and this isn’t the point, but by the way, also for achievement too. Right. So, and so, you know, that’s not the point, but if that is what you are, you know, that’s, that’s a big focus of yours and, you know, you can’t let it go by the way, creating, building, maintaining relationships will help people achieve as well.

Wendy Snyder:
Right. Exactly. Have you ever heard that Harvard study? I’m sure you have. I mean, there’s so many studies that back up, everything that you teach and I teach and all this stuff, but it’s like that, that incredible. I think it’s like a 70 year Harvard study where they studied what creates longevity in life, like who lives the longest, who’s the happiest. And it wasn’t, it wasn’t all the things you think it would be. It was straight up the quality of relationships, that’s it? And it’s like, it’s such a cool study because they studied, you know, every single type of person you could imagine, you know, and it was a long study. I think it’s the longest study that’s ever existed. And, and I think listeners, it’s like every time you have the courage to do it different, and instead of reverting to the fear and force and shaming or whatever it is, or hitting or whatever it is, you have the courage to lean in to what, you know, Mr.

Wendy Snyder:
Chazz teaches and lean into connection and, and compassionate discipline and teaching these life skills. Like you are creating, building and maintaining healthy relationships. Because when we, when we do, you know, when we, when we do it the other way, it, it’s just really hard to create a healthy relationship when that’s in the picture. Right. Like it’s just not the way humans were designed. Right. Like to shame each other and hit each other.

Chazz Lewis:
Yeah. I mean, think about it, even think about it for yourself. Like how hard would it be for you to have a healthy relationship with anyone, if they hit you with anyone, if they were, you know, shaming, you, and you felt judged by them, you know, like, you know, constantly judged by them. Like it will, it will be hard to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

Terry Snyder:
Well, yeah. I mean, you’re absolutely right. And like, I mean, this parent child relationship is bound to be one of the toughest relationships that you’ll you’ll ever face. And I think that’s where a lot of parents, they just end up, they think that they’re at a dead end. And so that’s what they need to resort to because that’s all that’s left or that’s all that was modeled to them. So they’re like, okay, cool. When I hit this dead end, this is just the default. This is where I go. What we’re here to tell you through Fresh Start Family through Mr. Chazz is like, there is a door right there. It’s not a dead end. You can open it up and you can continue to learn. You know, you’re, you know, you’re not a child anymore, but you can continue to advance your game, learn new tools, stretch yourself.

Terry Snyder:
Because most of what’s happening here is still a chance to have a better relationship. And you know, that child’s just trying to communicate to you and you are trying to communicate to them, but you have just now resorted to shame or through physical harm to try to get across your message, which squashes the relationship, which, which doesn’t. Yeah. Which doesn’t move the relationship forward. It basically just says, this is all I got this. This is, and I, and we’re here to tell you you’ve got more. You got more?

Wendy Snyder:
Yeah. In one example, cause I know our listeners love like examples, but like when the note gets sent home, cause you know, in my membership parents all the time, they’re like, crap, dammit. I just got an email again. We got an email again, like just last week. And there’s a little girl who I guess was like tripping another little girl and come to find out she was doing it on purpose. And she was like, I just don’t like her. Mom’s like mortified. Right. But when you get the notes at home,

Chazz Lewis:
So perfect for number two, go ahead, continue.

Wendy Snyder:
But when you get that note sent home, right. But goal is not to make that student be the successful student that never gets in trouble. The goal in that moment, one of the goals that is, it is actually to deepen their relationship with this child and figure out what is the root cause of this what’s going on for her and to help her make amends and build a relationship because she could go on to become total homeys without little girl and be like, Hey, how you doing? I’m so-and-so, I’m imperfect. I don’t know why I did that last week, but learned about it. And now I’d like to do and you know, make amends or would you like to whatever, there’s all these ways that she could go on to become great friends with that little girl, but she’s got to learn about herself. She’s got to figure out what’s the root cause of why she’s doing that.

Wendy Snyder:
And her parents get the opportunity to be there with her and deepen the relationship in that moment. Like that’s the goal. And from that, like you said, Chazz, from that real come, the performance will come. The like she hurt, she feeling capable enough to change her behavior or understand what’s going on in her little heart and mind that caused her to do that. So yeah.

Chazz Lewis:
Which, which is a great segue to number two of Understanding your own, you know, Understanding your own needs and learning how to meet them in a healthy way. That is you would say that skill number 10, right? And this is important too, in all walks walks of life. This is going to in every relationship that you have with another person and any challenging situation that you step into and, you know, because, so you just gave an example for the child. I see the same thing with that child is I just don’t like her, that same thing.

Chazz Lewis:
Adult ended up doing two in the workplace because they haven’t learned how to understand their own unmet needs and how to meet them in a healthy way. And so it might look like, and as they get older, if we don’t teach them the scale, then now they’re in a workplace and there is a new, there’s some, they hire someone new. Who’s maybe doing something similar than you are, or maybe they got a certain look and you feel for whatever reason you feel intimidated and you feel insecure because within this other person’s presence, right. Maybe it may be it’s just because they came on and they’re killing it.

Chazz Lewis:
And you know, maybe you’ve been completed. Maybe, maybe, you know, there’s a lot of reasons, but for whatever reason, you feel insecure around this other person. Now the unhealthy way to try to meet that need of trying to feel secure and safe in your own position, in the community, you know, in the work place. And to feel like you have value and worth the unhealthy way to do that. Like, like the child did, they’re like adults who haven’t learned the skill sometimes still do w they’ll tear the other person down and they’ll say, you know, it’ll be like, I don’t like this person who does, what does she think she is?

Chazz Lewis:
Right. It’ll be that kind of stuff. And then the passive aggressiveness and talking around that person or,

Wendy Snyder:
Or,

Chazz Lewis:
Or, or even sabotaging a little bit because this person doesn’t know how to meet their needs and a healthy way, as opposed to the person who does learn that skill, when that person comes in and maybe they’re killing it. And the person starts to feel a little insecure, the person who has learned a skill can be like, oh wow, I’m, I’m experiencing some insecurities here, but there’s something about this situation that is like, I, that is triggering my insecurities here. Let me be curious. And let me explore that. And then I can work through that and identify, ah, yeah. Like if, because I’ve been complacent here, I’ve been the only, I feel like I’m the only, you know, black male who works here.

Chazz Lewis:
And so this other black male came and I feel like now they’re going to, like, they’ve taken my token ability or they’re the only, you know, they’re, they’re the only woman or, you know, or it’s a similar job, whatever it is. Right. I can unpack that and be like, ah, okay, like that is about me. It’s not about this person. So I don’t have to take it out on this person. I can deal with my own stuff. And maybe there’s even something I can learn from this person. Right. Maybe like they are killing it. They do have some experience that they brought from another place that cause I’ve been working here and maybe I know the culture of this company and they know some other things.

Chazz Lewis:
Maybe we can actually work together and collaborate and we can both grow together. Right. And, and then also kind of using that, creating, building and maintaining a healthy relationship skill there too. Right. It’s, it’s intertwined for sure, but, but learning to identify your own unmet needs and meet them in a healthy way. Number two,

Wendy Snyder:
Hey, there, I’m pausing this episode. One more time to invite you to a free workshop I am hosting at the end of October on discipline. Can you join me? Cause mama, I know you are sick and tired of relying on hand-me-down parenting tactics like spanking, threatening, intimidating, and using harsh punishments that create a total relationship strain and don’t even work anyways. Long-term to end your child’s misbehavior for good. I want to help you learn a new way. So you can go to bed at night, feeling proud of the way you taught your children important life lessons, instead of feeling guilty or full of blame that your kids make you do things you wish you did not do.

Wendy Snyder:
Join me on October 28th for a free one hour live workshop where you’ll learn three steps to building up a firm and kind compassionate toolkit that works with kids of all ages. You can head to FreshStartFamilyonline.com/disciplineclass. I cannot wait to support you at class on October 28th. Ah, so good, which is the exact basis of everything we teach here at Fresh Start Family. We teach on met needs, drives behaviors, like the need to feel powerful, the need to feel valuable, the need to feel unconditionally loved the need to belong, boom, like everything.

Wendy Snyder:
And so yeah, in that situation, just again, to give it the personal example is like, you know, this family now has the opportunity to come and, and you know, help this other little girl understand like what a net mean? Could it be, could it be Power? Could it be the desire to feel powerful, the desire to feel valuable, the desire to belong, whatever it is, there’s something underneath of there and what a beautiful opportunity that they have when they choose to not revert to the, you know, the old school ways that just squash it. And it sure seems like it fixes it in the moment because they’re scared of the punishment. They’re scared of their iPad, getting their taken away. They’re scared of the physical pain or they’re scared of the emotional pain and long-term this life skill is being missed out on.

Wendy Snyder:
So it’s just beautiful.

Chazz Lewis:
Yes. Because you changed the behavior doesn’t mean you fix the problem, right. There’s lots of ways that we can get change of behavior, especially through coercion and force, but that doesn’t mean you actually fix the problem. And that is, you know, I can go into another, you know, example of where that’s true, but you know, just even thinking about like yourself and you know, someone, if someone here’s, here’s an example, kind of another work example. I like, I love to give work examples because it is a lot of times it’s a place where we don’t feel like we have the power in the situation or someone else has power kind of over us.

Chazz Lewis:
And so it can sometimes be easy to kind of empathize there. And so one example of where you can, like, let’s say you’re a boss, like just, you know, you’re the, just like, you’re the you’re or you’re the leader just like you’re the leader in your household. And there are people who are upset. You want to stop the behavior of, there are people who are upset. So the problem is that people are upset about unequal wages, right? And we’re doing a similar job, but you’re getting paid more than I’m getting paid and I’m doing this, we’re doing similar jobs, right.

Chazz Lewis:
This is a problem. We, as the people, the workers are voicing our opinion of, we don’t think that this is fair. Now that leader can, can, they can’t get a behavior change. And like, oh man, everyone’s voicing their opinion about like this an equal unequal wages. All right. Mural, no one can talk about how much money they make ever again. And if you do, you’re fired, all right. So you’re probably going to get the behavior change and people may stop talking about how much they’re making. So no one knows, but the problem still exists that people are getting paid equal wages for the equal work.

Chazz Lewis:
Right. And so it’s just an example of where you can change. You can do plenty of things to change a behavior, but you’re not really fixing the problem. And that can be sometimes confusing even leaders a lot of times. And you may have experienced some of this. Like they leaders will sometimes think like, oh, like fix the problem. Like, and then, you know, but, and likely in reality, that is the, you know, other, other things other behaviors are going to come up kind of as a result of it. And now no one’s talking about it and it was voicing their opinion, but now people are maybe sabotaging the work or they’re just like, or they’re talking about outside of the, like you, you only really change the behavior and your environment and while you’re still there.

Chazz Lewis:
And so, yeah,

Wendy Snyder:
And the employee who has learned this stuff from early on would understand that when there’s unequal wages going on that like kind of triggers us to be like, whoa, I don’t feel like I’m valued. I’m not feeling powerful right now. I’m not feeling like I belong and I know what to do with that. I know how to process those emotions. I know how to have a healthy conversation. I know how to creatively problem solve, which is our point number three.

Terry Snyder:
I think all, all of this is laddering up to like, it’s like, you know, we, we talk about, you know, parenting, but then it’s so great that we get to have these conversations with people like you to where it’s like, it’s not just these things with the kids. Like all of this applies to our adult lives and their future adult lives and who and how they’re going to work with one another. And you know, these decisions to kind of like squash these, these moments where you could communicate, it’s really going in opposition to what point number three is, is really honing the skills of empathy perspective, taking and creative problem solving.

Terry Snyder:
So if you can see like jumping to like shame, fear, forest, all these things that, you know, you’re, you’re basically saying this isn’t okay for me, I’ve reached the limits of this. Is it instead of saying, Hmm, I’d like to get an F I’d like to turn this rock over or find out what’s going on there, here, what my, my child is thinking, why would they have wanted to trip that person? What what’s going on there and getting curious and empathizing. I think some parents, you know, the knee jerk reaction is just kind of like, I don’t like the behavior. I want the behavior to stop, like end of story. And they think that that’s it. Instead of leaning into this idea that it’s like, Hmm, let me get curious about this for a second.

Terry Snyder:
I still don’t have to agree with the behavior. I still don’t. I still don’t have to agree with any of that, but I can in the spirit of nurturing and creating a real relationship with your kid, it’s like lean into this idea that empathizing with them, looking at all perspectives, and then coming up with a creative way to problem solve. You’re not only helping yourself, you’re showing them that there’s a way out of this. It’s not just like I do this. I get shamed. I get hit. I’m supposed to stop. I do this because eventually some of the behavior they’re going to do is like, well, if I just don’t get caught right then there’s nothing.

Terry Snyder:
But talk, talk to us for a minute about just because you’ve really leaned into, and your skills are honed between empathy perspective, taking a crop problem, solving creative problem solving. And this’ll, this’ll take us home for the episode. And then we’ll wrap

Chazz Lewis:
This. We know you have another interview.

Terry Snyder:
You got more videos to make this guys.

Chazz Lewis:
Yeah. That’s a coaching session, actually plug, plug, plug for those who do want a coaching session, we can talk more. I know we didn’t talk a lot about like specific strategies here, but like individualize it and the coaching sessions. So if you’ve made it this far and interested in learning more, but you know, and again, that, that also aligns with the third point of just the, you mentioned earlier of just how sometimes, you know, you feel like you’re at a dead end and you don’t know, like, you feel like there is, there is nothing else to do other than to hit or shame, or like that’s all, that’s the only option I have. And it’s because, you know, part of the reason is that you haven’t, you haven’t had a lot of experiences of experiencing something different.

Chazz Lewis:
Like that’s likely something that you didn’t grow up with. Right. And so, you know, but if you did grow up within, you did see it, you would have so much more to pull from, right? You would, those, those other doors would look with C would be so much more clear, right? So much more in your vision. Then, then that one door, that one dead end. And so just by you being empathetic and helping with problem solving and helping them kind of learn pumps off, and you want them to be a part of the problem solving process as much as possible, you know, depending on where they’re at in their development and what the problem is, but you want to help them with that and, and show them perspective taking.

Chazz Lewis:
And, you know, they’re getting a little bit of their watching and experiencing a little bit of blueprint of what they have skills that they can practice as they get older now. And that doesn’t mean that you do, you know, perspective taking when they’re three and they’re four, and they’re automatically going to be doing perspective, taking they know throughout their life. It’s, it’s a lifelong practice and skill, right. Of doing perspective taking and not just with, you know, your child, but like at the grocery store, you know, when, you know, the line is a little bit long and you’re getting impatient or waiting and doing a little bit of perspective taking you’re like, oh man, like they, it seems like the cashiers are working really hard and you know, they must be, they must be overwhelmed by the big line to not just seeing it from our perspective.

Chazz Lewis:
And then that’s an opportunity for them to be like, oh, they kind of look and be like, oh wow. It looks like they are a little overwhelmed. And I wonder how they must feel to have this big line of people, right? Like just by you doing that perspective, taking, you know, out loud, it prompts them to kind of think about how another person may feel in this situation with books. You know, you can do this when you’re reading books with, when you’re watching TV shows and you know, all of it, like it’s, you know, you want to create a culture of, of empathy, of creative problem, solving of perspective, taking not just a one off things that you do here.

Chazz Lewis:
There, it’s something that you have to kind of learn and grow and grow your capacity to do it too. Like I said, in the beginning, you’re a capacity. The more that you grow in your capacity for these skills, the more you’re going to be able to teach your children these skills and, you know, big part of that statement is the fact that you’re modeling these skills and they’re seeing it and they’re experiencing those skills. Right. And you know, it’s not about like, if you don’t have those skills down and it’s something you’re still learning, you’re like, ah, I’m not there yet. Like grieve it’s okay.

Chazz Lewis:
Right. Again, reiterating it’s not about being perfect every day. It’s about improving a little, a little every day. And the more that you grow, the more that you’ll be able to take them on their journey. So by the time that they’re your age or their parents, they have a little bit more skills than what you had going into it. Right. And then now they’re able to use the skills that you have been able to teach and they’re able to build off of that. And now they’re giving, you know, they’re using those skills with their children and, and so on and so on and so forth. And so it’s like, you’re not just raising your children, you’re raising your children’s shelter children. And so it’s, you know, just focus on improvement and growth and, you know, avoid shaming yourself for not being where you want to be or, or not being that perfect Instagram parent that doesn’t actually exist.

Chazz Lewis:
I think parents are going to walk away today. Just

Wendy Snyder:
It’s going to help so much too, to just know that they don’t have to buy into that myth. That like, you know, if you do it, it’ll be fine. Well, it is like, we all make mistakes, right? We all have those imperfect moments where we might revert or whatever. And we’re here to tell you that, like, we just want you to really know that leaning into this. Is there so many benefits and teaching kids, these life skills is like, just creates the most thriving, like kind of human. You can never imagine. And I think it just helps to know that like, yes, there’s always going to be that rhetoric. Like this is the goal. This is the goal of parenting. This is the goal, like quick results. Get the kid to behave, get a good job.

Wendy Snyder:
And this is also like we’re trying to build this rhetoric of like, yes, this is actually the goal. So Chaz, thank you for your work in the world. Thank you for being with us today. Tell listeners where can they find you? I’ll make sure I put everything in the show notes page, but if they want to work with you, just wrap us with all that good information.

Chazz Lewis:
Yes. I’m on Facebook, Instagram, Tik TOK. I’m on all podcasting platforms and I’m on Patreon and that’s how you can access coaching. You find these Mr. Chazz is MRCHAZZ. And if you type in MrChazz, I’m pretty sure I’m the first person to pop up on the wall and a little microphone. So I’ll be the first person to pop up. It’s the, the message has a little different on all the platforms, but I’m sure you’ll be able to find me. And I think you’ll can probably get in the show notes too. So,

Wendy Snyder:
Oh my gosh. All right. Well, we love you Chazz thank you so much. I hope you have a good coaching session up next and we’ll talk soon.

Chazz Lewis:
Thank you, you too. Thanks. Thanks for having me. Y’all. This was a fun conversation

Stella Snyder:
For more information, go to FreshStartFamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening. Families. Have a great day.

Wendy Snyder:
Hey there families. If you loved this episode, make sure you come find me over on Instagram and shoot me a DM or share an audio message with me. I love to connect with you guys over on that platform. It makes it really easy for us to exchange some DMS or send messages. Tell me a little bit about your family. What, how you found me? What brought you to want to learn more about positive parenting or the work that we do here at Fresh Start Family? I would really, really love to hear from you. I’m at FreshStartWendy over on Instagram. I’ll see you there.