This episode of The Fresh Start Family Show features viral video mama Jonisa Padernos who shared the heart-warming clip of her interacting with her 4 year old son Aldie about his feelings and thoughts about his “rough” day.
Wendy and Jonisa chat about how teaching our kids social emotional literacy and allowing our kids to open up by holding space for them is so connecting and gives them the message that all feelings are welcome and safe.
Special Thanks to Tonies for their continued support of the Fresh Start Family Show!
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Episode Highlights:
- We are at choice to parent our kids differently than we were
- Modeling and mentoring our kids on emotional literacy is powerful to give them tools even from an early age
- Making mistakes and making amends with our kids models taking responsibility
- When our kids have learned how to self-calm and take care of themselves, they often will help others do the same when they see them having a hard time
- Kids take on the tone we have and reflect it back like a mirror
- Unconditional love is gives our kids a safety and encourages them to express their feelings
Resources Mentioned:
Where to find Jonsia and Aldie:
Viral Video of their bedtime chat
Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!
Wendy:
This episode has been brought to you by the Fresh Start Family, Live Fast Track Discipline Workshop. happening on Saturday September 30th from eight to 10:30AM Pacific. I’ll be teaching you all about how to build out a firm and kind discipline toolkit that includes self calming strategies, natural consequences, and logical consequences that work with kids of all ages. Learn more and save your seat at freshstartfamilyonline.com/workshop.
Hello, listeners. I’m so happy you are back for a new episode. Welcome, welcome. I’m your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And today on the show we have Miss Jonisa Pader nos, who is the mama, to a sweet little boy named Aldie who had a video go viral with his mama about a bedtime conversation Miss Jonisa had with her son, where he was just expressing his emotions to her regarding how he had felt earlier in the day.
So I’m actually gonna record the audio here so you guys can hear it. And I’ll, and I’ll share it right after this intro, but make sure you actually go watch the video. I’m gonna make sure we include the link to Jonisa’s Instagram so you can go see the actual video. ’cause to see it with your eyes is just even more moving than just to hear the audio. And it’s helped. It helps because it’s captioned. And I also just want you to give Jonisa some love because she’s just an incredible mom, you know, just doing a great job of raising her kids and she’s just spreading so much light in the world. So make sure you go check that out. But I will include the audio. But her son was really, really little when they had this conversation, and there’s just so many levels to it that caused me to have such great respect for this mom and what she’s doing in her home.
But a few of them, as you can tell, that she is just really giving her son the patience that he deserves, right? To process emotions after a hard day, a safe place. She is giving him that, that space to express himself, not rushing him through bedtime, which we all know is so tough sometimes, right? Like you just want your kids to go to bed. And I know my daughter especially, there’s been so many times where she just wants to talk to me at night, and even though it’s, you know, can be so tempting to rush them through it, I have found that it’s a time where so many kids will open up to you when it’s bedtime. And part of them is like, Hey, we could stay up an extra 10 minutes.
But then a huge part of them, they just really want to have that time to connect and have someone to hold space for them and listen to them. And then also just encouraging her kids to ex to express their emotions. I can tell Jonisa and her husband are doing that in their home, and I also can tell that they have a significant, like a great compassionate discipline strategy going in their home. You’ll hear her and her son talking about a mistake he had had made earlier in the day, and his mom saying, well, yeah, you weren’t allowed to go outside because that was a consequence, right? You can tell that that was a logical consequence his mom had implemented around something that he had done. Maybe he didn’t have self-control, or maybe he had made a mistake and she was like, we need to stay inside for a little bit.
But I just, I could tell from watching this and hearing them talk about this, that A, there’s that compassionate discipline strategy and b, that that created the safety for him, this little boy, to learn from the mistake, to not move into a battle against his mom being mean, or life is not fair or feeling hurt or humiliated or shamed or like, you know, he’s still recovering from this spiked nervous system where he got put in timeout or was threatened to, you know, get hit with a spanking or have his iPad taken away. You can tell that it created a safety with firm limits.
So that is what we all want this month here at Fresh Start Family. We are focusing on compassionate discipline. I’ve been teaching a ton around it over on Instagram, and it’s just beautiful when you see a family reaping the benefits of using compassionate in their discipline in their home from such a tender young age, right? Like I can tell as an educator the effects that that has on this little boy from such a tender young age of like, again, I think he was three when they recorded this conversation. And then it’s extra special because he is a young man, right? To see parents who are really prioritizing this little boy’s emotional literacy skills and teaching him that it is absolutely very strong and masculine to be a young man who feels sadness and, you know, hurt, anger, scared, whatever the emotion is.
Like they’re, you can tell that they’re teaching this little boy that those are normal, healthy human emotions. And it’s not just girls that feel sad or cry, but it’s boys too, right? Like, men feel the same exact feelings as women and healthy masculinity enc, you know, encourages that. And so when it comes to men being strong and masculine, it doesn’t like, yeah, sure. Sometimes that looks like them surfing huge waves and picking up huge tires over their head and lifting like 400 pounds. And, and other times strong masculinity looks like a man being able to cry or say how scared he is about, you know, he is not gonna get the job that he interviewed for whatever it may be.
Like, that’s also strong masculinity. All right, so we’re, we’re huge just advocates for helping men and young men be raised in environments where they’re allowed to be fully human, and where parents encourage them to become emotional literate and emotionally literate. And you can tell Ms. Jonisa is absolutely hitting the nail on the head when it comes to her son in that area. So, without further ado, you guys, I hope you enjoy this episode. We are going to chat about How Kids Are Capable of Expressing How They Feel Even at a Very Young Age. And I am hopefully now gonna share that audio part of this beautiful video so you can actually hear the interaction with him and his mom.
And then, like I said, make sure you click through and go give Jonisa some love on that original post that she had made. And yeah, enjoy this episode and let me know what you think
Aldie:
Today. You did not make his choice, so you, you hit my But it not going outside. So that’s why I didn’t wanna make a small choice, you know, Aaliyah, I couldn’t go outside. So, I was a little sad.
Jonisa:
Yeah. But that was a consequence.
Aldie:
But after I was a little sad, I was a little bit upset. More than a little
Jonisa:
More than a little upset? Yeah. We all get upset sometimes.
Aldie:
Yeah.
Jonisa:
We don’t get what we want all the time.
Aldie:
Mama also, don’t, Papa also don’t for babies do that. Don’t do babies. They don’t understand that you have to not do that. you know, earlier, baby dropped the, the, the plate and papa got angry with her. And I, I told Papa to make, to, I told Papa to stop, breathe slow and make a small choice for papa.
Jonisa:
And then did he do it?
Aldie:
Yeah. But, but earlier I, I chose to be mad at daddy, but, but after a while I was okay.
Jonisa:
You were okay. Life is like that. We get upset, we get mad, we cry.
Aldie:
That’s emotions, mama.
Jonisa:
That’s emotions. I know. And then we feel better after we cry.
Aldie:
Yeah. Do even when you’re upset, always different kind of feelings, even though when you scared,
Jonisa:
That’s another emotion.
Aldie:
Yeah. A different kind of emotion. And no, I was wrong today. I I had a all emotion.
Jonisa:
Yeah, just today.
Aldie:
Yeah.
Jonisa:
That’s okay.
Aldie:
We
Jonisa:
We’re learning, you’re
Aldie:
Even when I was that made you still love me that much?
Jonisa:
Of course. Always.
Aldie:
Yeah. I love you too.
Stella:
Well. Hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus, and rock and roll. And believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together we hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools, and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.
Wendy:
Well, hey there families, and welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show. I am thrilled to be here with Miss Jonisa Padernos this morning And, we are going to be talking about how kids are capable of expressing how they feel, even at a very young age, welcome to the show, Jonisa.
Jonisa:
Hi Wendy. Thank you for having me. I’m so excited to be here.
Wendy:
I’m so excited to have you here. I just am beaming. I feel like, you know, when I found you and your sweet son Aldie, such good vibes, like even just being in your presence today, you like are just the, the sweetest, most positive, just amazing mom. And I know that this conversation is really gonna bless a lot of families today. But, so let, let’s explain to the listeners a little bit more. But, so listeners, I found Jonisa on Instagram one day when one of her posts went viral of a video of her and her little boy at bedtime, probably just having a normal conversation. It sounds like this is something you do all the time. We’re gonna talk so much more about it.
But basically, her little boy was talking about how that day had been, you know, a bit rough with emotions and kind of had been all over the place. And he was just sharing with his mama about how, you know, he, there was upset and how he had worked through it. And Papa had upset and how, I mean, it was just the most beautiful conversation in the world. You held space for him. There was elements of firm and kind connected parenting. There was unconditional love, there was firm boundaries and teaching. There was empathy, there was listening intently, there was forgiveness, there was aspects of just supporting one another and acting as a team.
There was gen generational cycle breaking and there was personal responsibility all in like a three minute video. Basically most of the speaking being done by your little boy who was how old at the time, jonisa.
Jonisa:
He just turned four. Like February.
Wendy:
So he was three, right? Or he was four in the video?
Jonisa:
He was four, yeah. Four in video.
Wendy:
Okay. He was, he was fresh Four. Okay. And So I mean it’s a video that just brings, brings you to tears and gives you hope about the future. Because so much of what we teach here at Fresh Start Family within our programs and through the Fresh Start Experiences is about emotional literacy and about like, all the things I just listed, like everything that you, you and your son so beautifully captured that night represent so much of what we teach here and have it, like having it seen, seeing it roll, like roll out in real life was absolutely beautiful and awe-inspiring. And it’s just a video that really, I think almost brings you to tears.
And so that’s why it went viral is because every, I think the entire world was just so filled with hope that there are families out there who are really doing this and really teaching their kids from a young age that emotions are neither wrong nor good, like bad nor good. They just are, they’re, they make you human. And seeing such a connected family in real life was just beautiful Jonisa. So thank you for having the courage or, or just thinking of turning on the camera that night and for sharing it with the world.
Jonisa:
Yes, it’s my pleasure. I actually didn’t plan to record it, but then, you know, it just like, it was different that night. So that’s why I, like, I put my phone in there ’cause he initiated it, like I was busy getting him ready. Right. But he initiated, which kind of caught me, you know, oh, I should capture this moment. ’cause he initiated it, not me. Just, so yeah. That was like, I, I was amazed even at that point in the beginning. I’m like, wow. Like he, he, he, like, he wanted, he wanted to talk it, talk it out.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Jonisa:
I even say like, what happened today, you know, like he said randomly, like today was a, you know, right. Like, it was a hard day and like you didn’t wanna make a smart choice. Right. So that’s why I just put my phone in there and I wanted to capture that. It was actually a, like a long conversation, but I just kind of cut it off. Right. But that, that was a long conversation that we had. Like, I think it was like 20 minutes or 30 minutes like bedtime, which, which we usually do, which we usually talk before bedtime. ’cause he likes to stall bedtime.
Wendy:
Yeah, yeah, it’s, yeah.
Jonisa:
Yeah. So he likes to talk more at bedtime. Yeah.
Wendy:
My teenager, so my little girl’s almost 16. And that’s been like, you know, let’s just call it a tactic. Like, and, and that’s what like the traditional parenting world would focus on, right? Like that’s a tactic. They’re trying to push you and manipulate your buttons and stay up later. Which, yes, there, there may be a little bit of that, but really, like, I’ve noticed over, and, and it was probably between like 11, 12 and 13 and it was like kind of covid times too. But I, I started leaning into just allowing it, like just staying, letting her stay up a little late and leaning into it. And it turned into the most beautiful season where she just would open up about a lot of things at bedtime.
Jonisa:
Like even though we’re exhausted. Yeah, I know And we should take advantage, right? We take advantage of it. I think like we, we kind of have to look at a different side of it. Like it’s not, it’s not stalling bedtime, like, you know, it, like the positive side of it is we can talk to them, they want to talk to us, right. So, I think that’s just a different, as like a different aspect of looking at it. Not just, you know, ugh, this kid is just stalling bedtime. Right.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Jonisa:
So we just take advantage of what, you know, that moment is so, ugh. It’s so beautiful. Jonisa and I and And, we, I’m gonna kind of like walk us through and, and I think what I’ll do is, before this, before this, you know, in the, in the intro I’ll make sure that everyone can hear the audio clip so they understand like really what came out of Aldie’s mouth.
Wendy:
And, and again, like you said this, this was, he was talking more that night, it sounds like. But this is, this is common for you. Like this did not just occur overnight. This is sounds like it’s been very intentional for you to want this for your family and to do the work, which sometimes looks like extra long conversations. Right. Or compassionate discipline whenever it may be. But, so let’s actually, let’s start there Jonisa. So let’s back up a little bit bit. And so Aldie’s four, now your little little one is just about to turn one, which I love how he just calls her baby.
Jonisa:
He actually used to call her baby water ’cause Aldie likes to joke around. And so when she was kind of still in my tummy, like she, she, we were like wondering is she, is she a boy, a girl or a boy?
Wendy:
And so he would say, baby brother. And like she, he would say it like, in a funny way, like baby water or something like that. And he would laugh and he would find it so funny. So he called baby, baby water. I love it. I love it. Well, yeah. And in the video he talks about like her developing her own emotional literacy, which is so beautiful. But, but take us back to like, so you have a kiddo and, and I know I, you know, I’ve read a little bit about you just, you beautiful take on parenting and, and I read that you really knew that you wanted to do things different. Right? And I think so many of the parents that I work with, you know, they, we, we look at the way we were raised, we look at what we had with our families, the relationships, the like and everything.
Like you can look at everything the way you were raised. And as we say, we never come down on our, our parents, right? Our parents had a certain set of tools that they were working with. And now we have access and knowledge about so many tools and so much psychology and research, right? That we get to make our own decisions. So we thank our parents And, we learn from our experience with them, we learn what felt good, what didn’t feel good. And we get to make decisions about how we wanna do it different with our kids. But it sounds like from early on you were like, I wanna do things different than maybe the relationship you might have had with your dad or, or your mom and dad. Would you mind telling us a little bit about that?
Jonisa:
Yeah. So, I grew up kind of, you know, like not able to express what I feel or what I think. It’s always there say right. And you know, like, it, it was, we didn’t have like that connection with my parents. ’cause you know, my, my dad worked a lot. My mom was a stay at home mom, but she was more focused on academics. And so like, I, I couldn’t even like, play that much when I was a kid ’cause she was like focused on academics. I should study, study, study. And so like, I, I wanted to do it differently with my kids because I, I didn’t have a say.
Like I felt, even though I felt like, you know, overwhelmed and I would wanna cry. Like I didn’t have a right to cry. Right? Right. Like, no crying or stop crying. Like it would always that, right? And so, like this time I said like to myself and you know, to my husband, I’m like, we should like, we we’re gonna do it differently. We, I want my kids to have a say and I want to understand them also. I, I want to hear their opinion and I would wanna say my opinion. So we kind of like, you know, communicate better. It’s not just my final say.
I have to ask their opinion. I think it’s very important so that they feel heard. Right. Because I didn’t feel that when I was a kid.
Wendy:
Yeah. Oh, it’s so beautiful. And it’s, and it’s that, that concept of like working as a team, right? Like everyone’s voice is heard and important in the family. I think I’ve heard you say having a voice in your family matters.
Pausing this event to invite you to a very special live event that I am hosting on Saturday, September 30th from 8:00 AM to 10 30 AM Pacific. And that is our very first Fast Track Discipline Workshop where I’m going to be teaching openhearted amazing parents like you. My fastest way to build out a firm and kind discipline toolkit that includes self calming strategies, natural consequences and logical consequences that work with kids of all ages. This two and a half hour event will include step-by-step guidance on our signature Fresh Start Family Discipline framework that gives you detailed support in four key areas. Number one, how to use self calming as your number one go-to tool to teach kids how to self-regulate when they’re steaming bad, not happy with the limit being enforced or so upset with their sibling that they feel like they could just punch ’em in the face.
Number two, the secret to using natural consequences to let life do the teaching, which is always the best way to teach kids, especially strong-willed ones when applicable. Number three, designing logical consequences that harness the power of the four Rs to make sure discipline is related, reasonable, respectful, and teaches responsibility, resulting in deeply effective life lessons and the development of skills that misbehavior exposes are missing. And number four, how to teach in a calm time versus heated moments to get the best bang for your buck when disciplining with compassion and firm kindness.
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Wendy:
I’ll see you there. That should be one of your t-shirts with your merch or you at Aldie or like, I think let’s just start sending you ideas on like merchandise, right?
Jonisa:
Yeah, that’s actually idea.
Wendy:
But yeah, having a voice in this family matters and how beautiful to have that intention from early on. So it’s so cool. ’cause most of the time, like most of the people I I, most of the parents I work with, we have to work like really diligently to do, to, to break the cycle and to do it different. And I think everyone just has a different path. Everyone has a different journey. Right? But, it seems like you just naturally knew how to do it differently or did you, ’cause it just, it doesn’t sound like you were entrenched in books or programming, right? But you just innately listened to yourself and was like, Hey, this didn’t feel right, so this is what I’m gonna do instead.
And you trusted it even though there’s probably a lot of societal stuff around you that’s like, no, you don’t let a child say that to you. You don’t let a, like, you know, there’s so much around boys don’t cry. And, you know, like, and just, I can tell again from this video how much you are practicing exactly what I teach here, But it sounds like you haven’t done, like, you haven’t done a ton of programs. You just naturally knew.
Jonisa:
Yeah. Like I, I never like read parenting books. I just, I I find that, you know, I, I didn’t have that much time, you know, I work, I work full time and you know, like I, I watch the kids after, I just like wanna spend, you know, that time with them. So we usually go out and, you know, like I didn’t have like at night when I put her, put them to bed. Like, I’m also tired, so like be so important to be so like, you know, reading, you know, books and all that. It’s like the, the least priority for me. No, it’s, it’s just based on what I feel and you know, what I think is like right and you know, it, it probably, it maybe it kind of like, you know, it doesn’t work that quick with other kids or, you know, it takes more time with other kids.
But I think, you know, it, it varies from child to child, right? But like, I did what worked for Aldie and so, you know, it’s just based on what I feel it’s been what I think works.
Wendy:
Well it’s definitely, it’s definitely a huge blessing. Like not, I just feel like, you know, I don’t know. In a way it feels like you were chosen to be a light to the world and given this gift to be able to naturally operate in this capacity. And I know you probably have your moments, right, where you’re like short or you are snappy or you don’t, you’re like, I don’t feel like hearing about your feelings right now. Like everyone’s nor everyone’s human. And it just seems like you were given this gift to be able to do parenting in this way even though you didn’t quite have it modeled to you growing up. That is a very advanced task. And some, some, for some reason it seems like God has blessed you with this ability and now put you like, given you the opportunity to show others the result.
Because like there, there’s a lot in the middle that we’re gonna talk about here, but the result that you can see at the tender age of four is this child feeling so connected and safe with his mom. Who again, I can tell by this video, his mama sets firm limits, right? Like this whole thing was about a consequence that had been stuck to, which is beautiful compassionate discipline, right? Like for some reason he was not allowed to go outside and mama stuck it. She said, you know, I know you want to and no, we’re not gonna go outside. And that was a consequence. And so there’s this this aspect of like firm kind parenting in here too, because so many people Jonisa get confused and they think relationship-based connected, emotionally literate parenting is permissive parenting.
And it’s couldn’t be farther from the truth. Like, you know, you set firm limits and you follow through and then you, and then you teach, right? Which is like, you can just tell that’s so present in your relationship with him. So it’s just really, really cool because again, most of us, it takes like so much therapy at work to like break the cycles. ’cause most of us come out the gate hot with like a toddler when we haven’t had this model to us growing up. We come out hot with like shutting down the, the feelings. We come in hot with like punishment, not compassionate discipline. We come in hot with like, and then we realize this doesn’t feel good, And, we wanna do it differently.
That was my story. I I kind of did a full 180 when my strong willed daughter was three But. it is just so cool to see like, no, God blessed you with this ability from very young. He gave you a very strong vision and you followed through and now you’re kind of like reaping, reaping the rewards already. And then you will also continue to see with all your children for the rest of life. And that’s, that’s what happens when you really lean in to this style of parenting, which is again, connected firm and kind.
Jonisa:
Yeah. you know, those moments when, you know, I lose my cool, right? Because, you know, working and you know, having two kids, little kids, a cute, you just, you know, get overwhelmed, right? Sometimes. And you know, those moments where I snapped and you know, I I just feel bad after like sometimes I, I like, I’m human, right? Like I do have those moments and I put him to bed and I, I just like, I put him to bed and not like resolving it sometimes ’cause I’m just tired, I just don’t wanna deal with it. Right? But then I put him to bed and I sit down in the living room and I just feel bad. I just, I I’m not at ease. Yeah. you know, and I’m not, you know, I, I wouldn’t be able to sleep So, I, go back inside.
I kind of, you know, and then talk to him like properly at least, you know, I kind of relax a little bit and I’m not that, you know, angry or mad anymore. And So, I go in again, he’s not sleeping yet. He’s kind of just toss around and you know, I I I talk to him, I say sorry. Yep. you know that, you know, I, I said that or I did that. And he would, she would actually like, it would, it’s so, you know, like touching when your kid say, it’s okay mama. Yeah, I know, I know you, I know you’re mad. It’s, I’m okay. He he’s gonna say that and you know, from a four year old, right?
Like, like how Oh, I, I I sometimes I’m like, how? Right? Yeah, sorry.
Wendy:
Well it’s because it’s like, again, I think you both are like, you’re just a very special light. And so not like every, all of us are lights, right? We’re just get to be a light in the world in different ways, but for some reason you’re just chosen to be a light for people and to help them see like, this is possible. And what’s so cool is that that is just something you do. So, so essentially as a, as a teacher, what you’re doing is you’re using your guilt, which is healthy. It’s a god-given thing. Guilt is healthy. It just means like, whoops, I don’t like the way I acted. I don’t like what I said, so I’m gonna do it different. Right? I’m gonna make amends. Those type of things. Shame is different.
Shame is like, what’s wrong with me? There’s something, I’m such an idiot. I’m a bad mom, I’m ruining my kid. Shame is not helpful, but guilt is beautiful. It’s helpful. And then going back in to make the amends and take responsibility by modeling that, you see him model that right back. So within the conversation that you’re having with him, you can see that he’s very comfortable taking responsibility for his actions. you know, your language and your family is like a smart choice or a not so smart choice, right? So maybe there’s moments where he says things or does things that are out of his emotion that aren’t like later he realizes, oh, I wish I wouldn’t have done that. Right? Like, it’s just another way to say it, but you so clearly modeled that.
And then he returns it and he says, yeah, well earlier I was just upset. I was upset about the consequence and I was having a trouble processing it and I didn’t make a smart choice. Like, so just all these little aspects are like such a big deal. And yes, he, he is probably that kiddo that maybe isn’t, I work with a lot of families who have very, very strong-willed kids. Like, and they’re just, they’re a blessing to the world in a different way, right? Like the kids that are prob you know, probably more like Aldie or my son is similar, right? Like, there was a time where I yelled so bad at him after he had poured this like, very expensive bubble bath, like the whole thing into the bubbles, into the bath.
And I was like, no, I came and I yelled him and, and he was so scared he started crying and I was like, oh, great. So, I went into my bedroom. Same thing. You feel yucky, you listen to your body, you go back, you say, I’m so sorry. And he looked in my eyes and he said, mama, it’s okay. Everybody makes mistakes.
Jonisa:
Exactly. That’s what exactly what he says too.
Wendy:
And so it’s like in that moment you just know like, okay, like what I’m doing is working. At least I’m modeling for them. Like, hey, it doesn’t make you a bad person when you make a mistake. It just means you’re human. Everybody makes mistakes and you just take responsibility. You make amends, you learn from your mistake or you learn from the hardship and then you move on. Which is also like, that’s what you guys do at night. You talk about what went well, what didn’t go well, and you make a decision on how you wanna do things tomorrow that might bring you more peace, more joy.
Oh, it’s so good. Let’s move into like, just talking about like, I love how it’s so clear that there are, like, there is firmness in your house, right? And so the idea of like following through teaching an important life lesson by holding firm to a boundary. Like we’re not gonna go outside and like then moving into the idea that you don’t have to like it, you don’t have to be happy about it. It’s okay for you to be upset. It’s okay for you to be angry, you know? And so when you say to him, like, but that was a consequence. And he, you can tell he’s like, you know, he gets it. He’s like, yep, it was, you know, so that, that’s really cool.
And then I love how like, especially for young men, but for all kids, but just how you seem to normalize the emotions in your home. So it’s like you say to him, we all get upset sometimes. And then he goes on to say, yep, Papa gets upset, mama gets upset. And then he goes on to empathize with the baby and say, yeah. And it’s probably really hard for babies because babies are learning and they’re new to this world essentially. He says like they’re just figuring it out. And so you can tell this little boy is like, he is, is like very normalized in your family. Like emotions are not just for girls, they’re for everybody. And they’re part of the wholeness of life.
Happy, mad, sad, hurt, scared, all of it. And then you’ve empathized with him like, hey, you, you were just no wonder you were upset. Right? Like would and now. And now he so easily does it to his little sister
Jonisa:
Because he would always like, you know when, when I had my second baby, of course baby cries, right? Yeah. And he would always like question it. Why is, why is she crying? And so like I tell, tell him that, you know, babies cry. That’s what they do. They can’t talk yet. And so that’s the how they communicate. And when he, when my baby started to like eat everything, putting putting them in their mouth. Yeah. And he would always question that. Like, why would she eat everything and put it in her mouth? And I’m like, yeah, ’cause that’s how baby explores, you know, like that’s how, and every time like I would joke around and when, when my baby would pick up something and put in her mouth, I’m like, no, no, no, don’t do that But.
It is just like, you know, a a joke jokingly, like kind of mad jokingly. And I just wanna see his reaction. And he would say to me, mama, he’s just, she’s just a baby. She’s just, that’s the way she explores. And so, you know, So, I do believe that, you know, what we say and what we do really like, they, it’s, it has a big impact on them. Like they would mirror it actually. They would mirror what we say and what we do. And sometimes we need that as a reminder to ourself too, that, you know, what we’re doing is working.
Right? Just seeing that, oh, that’s what I said, or Oh that’s what I do. And that, that stuck in him, right? Like that means it’s really working. He’s getting it,right.
Wendy:
Yes. Yes. It really is that your family in this video is such a great representation of like, of the modeling, you can tell so much. ’cause that’s how young kids, like so much of the young kids when they are this fluent, like it comes from being in a home where there is fluency. And I love when you bring up the baby and eating, like putting things in her mouth, right? Like, you know, it’s, it’s AdChoices for you to see that as she’s exploring she is, you know, she’s growing all the things. ’cause you could easily, like there’s a lot of a take that could, you could easily, you know, a lot of people are told by, by the age of one that children are starting to test limits and be disobedient and naughty and, and all these things.
And you could have easily said to him, it’s because she’s not listening. I told her not to put that marble in her mouth and she’s not listening. It’s, she needs to listen. Right? And then he probably would’ve mirrored, well, she’s not listening to you. Instead he’s mirroring, she’s exploring, she’s learning, she’s making mistakes. We’re here to keep her safe. Like he’s, they just are like little, they’re mimic like, like you said, they’re little mirrors. Yeah. And I love, so, so there’s an, as the aspect of teamwork is in here where he says, you hear him say like earlier, baby dropped her plate. And I told papa, like, papa started to get upset and I told Papa, breathe slow and make a smart choice.
Which tells me that again, you guys have an environment where everyone is contributing. Like, and this has happened so many live times in my life too, Jonisa, where my children are the ones who walk me off the ledge when I’m about to flip out and like yell or do whatever. Like after a few years of practicing this, like they’re the ones who say, mama, it’s okay, slow down. Like we can do this. Right? And you’re just like, wow. So he’s been empowered at the tender age of four to support his dad and to remind his dad who he is, his capabilities, how he’ll feel better later if he just slows down, breathe, listens to his emotions, and then acts like, we call that a pause button in our curriculum, but it’s like, slow down, get in touch with your emotions, like find a healthy intention and then act right, then speak to baby, then deal with the plate on the ground, whatever it is.
But he’s just already in this place of empowerment, which is so cool. So I. Love that.
Jonisa:
That actually made me laugh a little bit. I asked my husband after that did get mad and get the baby.
Wendy:
Did I say no?
Jonisa:
No. I was just jokingly like, you know, instead of getting mad and jokingly and he just, yeah, that’s what he, that’s what he saw. So
Wendy:
I can imagine it. It was probably like, oh, come on baby. Yeah. It’s so, you know. Yeah, yeah. But he, you can tell Aldie takes this very seriously. Yeah. And he, he probably finds a huge sense of empowerment in this. Like he’s, he is almost like, he’s almost leading the family. Yeah. Like you of course are the leader. And he actually has these moments of leading and So, I love another aspect. He, he says in there earlier, I chose to be a tiny mad, but then I was okay, which tells me that you are teaching like personal responsibility around emotions. He did say first in the video, like, you hurt my feelings. But he then later says like, I, like, essentially what I’m hearing from this four year old is I am responsible for my feelings.
Like no one is making me be mad. I I just, I’m mad. I chose to be mad. Then I moved through it and then I’m okay. Which is just really cool because traditionally kids are taught that if they’re mad, sad, hurt, whatever it may be, it’s somebody else’s fault. Where he, you obviously have taught him like it’s no one’s fault, it’s just an emotion. This is just how you feel and we’re gonna, we move through it and then we move on. And so to hear you guys talk about that, like the idea of like, it’s a just a little cloud, it’s a little storm, right? It moves. Like, and you’re like, that’s, that’s what happens. We have emotions and then we feel them and then we feel better, right?
Jonisa:
I, I don’t wanna like do the voice don’t cry thing, right? Like I wanna, I want him to know that crying is normal. I always say to him like, it’s okay to cry. You can cry if you want, you can cry. But, you know, know that crying makes us feel better after. That’s why, that’s why like I said, like we cry and then we feel better after because that, that it helps, it helps with our emotions. Get it out, you cry it out and then, you know, we feel better after, and then we get to process it. We get to talk about it after that. Right? And So I always tell him that. So, you know, it’s, it’s normal for everyone to cry.
Like it’s not, you don’t, boys don’t cry. It, it’s not, not my, no, not my principle.
Wendy:
Does, does your husband, ’cause I mean, again, we’ve talked about how, so naturally this just kind of like flows out of you, right? Does your, is your husband, does he struggle doing it different? Because I assume he might have had tr like more traditional, like you, like most men, right? Like, it’s very rare to meet a man who was raised in an environment where it was like, like, like the way you’re raising all day. Like those of us who are really into this work, we, we aim to raise our children like this. But has he been able to like naturally encourage the emotions as much as you? Or is there a bit of like, oh, this is hard because I was al always taught like, get up, you’re fine, boys don’t cry.
Jonisa:
Actually, like my husband has been like supportive on this like, you know, parenting things style and he’s, he’s very patient like, you know, patience is just his thing. So like, he didn’t have a hard time at all. Like, he’s
Wendy:
Nice.
Jonisa:
He’s, he’s also like very soft-hearted. So I think that also helped. So that, yeah, he didn’t struggle like with, with, you know, like thinking boys don’t cry or something like that. He didn’t like he didn’t struggle with that. He was, we are on the same page and we’ve already like talked about it ever since. And you know, and so I’m so blessed with that. I have, you know, a partner that has the same, we’re on the same page basically as how you parent and how to like deal with our kids, right? So yeah.
Wendy:
Oh, praise God for that, right? Because it’ss not, it’s not the norm. It really isn’t. So just, oh, it’s so beautiful and just again, like you said, such a blessing. But yeah, it’s, I hear you guys in the conversation, you say all different kinds of emotions ’cause he is going through like the different ones and so just having him learn that it’s like, yeah, there’s, there’s sadness that’ll make you cry, but there’s also all these other emotions. It’s like, you can tell there’s just this tone of curiosity and creativity and welcoming and it’s like, it’s not a big deal. We, you know, we just, and, and the pro the idea of processing it is so cool that this has been a habit for you that you just over time, like, ’cause you’ve shared that it didn’t happen overnight.
It’s like been consistent. Like, and, and what, when you refer to like your time at bedtime or whatever is we call that listening intently. Like and feeling encouragers versus feeling stoppers. Feeling stoppers are like interrupting, discounting, dismissing. Like, oh, that’s not that big of a deal. Well she probably didn’t mean to do that to you. Or like, you know, there’s a lot of things that we’ll say that a lot of us were raised with. So we would just repeat the same thing. But it like shuts the emotions down. Whereas listening intently, which is kind of the same as like holding space, you’re just listening, you’re just encouraging, you’re affirming, you’re asking questions, which is cool because in that video you can see he’s doing all the talking.
I, and I know you edited it down, but still, like that’s what listening intently is. It’s allowing them to speak and then they are so naturally gifted, like all of us as humans before life and culture gets in the way, we are naturally able to like move through and see things when we have a great teacher, a mentor like you But it, but you’re basically allowing him to process and learn from it. And I think the most heartwarming piece of this whole thing that I think just like sends me to like a bucket of tears. And I know like, I mean I saw some big people share this Jonisa.
Like I saw Viola Davis share this. So I know that she was like in tears about it. But at the very end, you know, you’re snuggling him and he says like, you know, today I had a really hard time mom with my emotions. And then you say, it’s okay, we’re learning. And he just snuggles in close to you. And he says, well, do you still love me? And you say, you say, of course I always love you no matter what. And you can tell this isn’t a one-off conversation. Like we said, this has been a conversation that you have over and over again. But this is what we call unconditional love at its finest. Like this is where children feel safe.
They can trust you. They come to you for guidance, they trust your mentorship and they feel safe being imperfect because that’s how life works. Like we learn through mistakes. Mistakes are just opportunities to learn. They don’t make you a bad person. They don’t mean that you need to be hurt or harmed or humiliated or you know, anything like you’re unconditionally loved no matter what. And you can tell, you can just feel that he is so solidified in unconditional love in your home. And again, that is, that doesn’t just happen like that is from so many things that you are choosing to do with him that create that.
But it’s just a, it’s just a beautiful thing to, to witness parents.
I wanna chat with you about one of my favorite toys for young kids. The Tonie Box, which is just the coolest imagination building screen free audio system that uses figures to play stories, songs, and more discover imagination and active play for children. It’s everything a young explorer’s growing mind needs designed for little listeners, ages three plus. The Tonie Box is a learning device that helps children with speech and language development and starts them on the path towards literacy. It’s designed for young children to operate independently and through tactile play rather than staring at a screen.
I mean, hallelujah to that because here’s the reality, parents screen time among children rose over 50% during Covid, and still remains above pre pandemic levels. And while we’re never ever shooting for perfection here at Fresh Start Family, I know from firsthand experience that too much screen time, especially with interactive screens, can definitely increase misbehavior big time. So why not replace some of that iPad or iPhone time with the Tonie box as an engaging and fun alternative to screen time. Research shows that children who hear 21,000 words per day during their developmental years have an increased chance of completing high school and college.
So using a Tonie box is a great way for kids to boost the number of words they hear all while we’re possibly getting a load of laundry done, nursing the baby, or doing a compassionate discipline activity with older siblings. Amen to that. It’s been great also to see firsthand my own kids and my friends and fresh start experience students. Kids fall in love with Tonie Boxes. My neighbor, Michelle at one point texted me pho photos of her little toddler one afternoon during a season where he started to skip his nap and she thought she was going to lose her mind. And she said, Wendy, I’m floored. Look at him. He’s mesmerized. He spent an entire hour in his room just playing quietly, listening to his Tonie box all alone.
Pretty awesome, right? So go check them out. Families, they’re soft enough to snuggle, tough enough to handle hands on kids, great for on the go with seven hours of battery life. Very simple to set up and include headphones for quiet mode. Just head to tonies.com and use coupon code freshstart for 10% off your first starter pack.
Jonisa:
I know, I, I actually almost cried at that like moment. ’cause I’m like, I, ’cause you know, I I lose my cool, right? That’s what I said. And I would say to him all the time, I would say, you know, always remember that even if I’m mad, even if I’m angry, I still love you. That doesn’t mean, you know, I don’t love you. I always love you. Even if I feel all this, you know, emotions. Like I feel mad, I feel angry. I still love you. I always tell him that kind of at the end of our conversation when I, when I get mad, right? And so it was, it was such a amazing thing to hear that back from him because he, because I say that to him then at that moment.
Like he’s, he assured, like he kind of asked for assurance that, you know, you still love me, right? Because we always talked about it every time we talk and when he has like big emotions when I have my moments. And so, you know, that moment, you know, it’s, it’s really like, it works. It really works. you know, like, you know what we’re doing a hundred percent. It works like from a four year old hearing that, you know, like it, it just makes your like it’s all worth it, right? All that. ’cause it’s not easy, not easy to kind of like hold back on that.
you know, what you’ve known ever since. Like, you know, when something happens, it’s just normal ’cause it’s, we don’t grow, we didn’t grow up like, you know, in that parenting style. So our normal reaction would be what we were exposed to, right? So it’s so hard to like hold that back, you know, and think, think, you know, that’s not the right way to do this. Right? It’s such a, it’s such a long process and you know, I am also kind of healing from that, right? And at the same time teaching my kids, you know, that that, you know, they like, it’s a different parent parenting style teaching myself too because nobody taught me, right?
Like nobody taught me how to parent. And so like, it’s, it’s very, it’s very touching when you’re a kid. you know, when you see kind of yourself with your kid, you know, when you see them kind of mirroring what you are doing or what you’re seeing, it’s such an amazing thing. And you want more, right? Like you want more of it. Like you, you know, it’s just a proof that, you know, this really works, this style really works and it helps, it helps both of you. It helps like the whole family actually. Like just, you know, that style.
It really helps like the whole family because sometimes these kids remind us, you know, And, we get to get reminded and we’re like, oh yeah, that’s right. This is not what we do. This is the right thing to do. And at the same time when they also, when the kids also have their moments and you know, we remind them and they would also, you know, oh yeah, that’s right. This is not how we, we deal with this. Right? And it’s, it, I said like, it’s a teamwork family. This is a teamwork. Yeah. Everybody needs to, you know, do their part kind of, right.
Yeah. It’s, yeah, it’s amazing actually. Like I’ve never had this, you know, this experience before. So I myself are, you know, is really amazed on the, the product of what we’ve been doing because I’ve always asked Aldie questions. Like, I love asking him questions. ’cause he’s so, he’s so like, chatty, like I enjoy, I enjoy listening to him ’cause he’s funny and so chatty and you know, he would just express what he wanted. And so even, even at the age where he, he, he just started to form words. Like, I would love, like, you know, hearing words from him, like him talk So I.
I always encourage him to like, what do you think? What do you think about that? Or you know, do you remember what can you tell your dad what we did today? you know and he would just, you know, it, it’s, it’s very cute. So it’s just became kind of a normal thing, you know, that having all the conversations all the time. And I would always encourage that. And now like sometimes like I, I like, you know, I’m tired. I just wanna be like, sit still and, you know, just, just relax. The Aldie is just then just won’t stop.
Yep. Right. And you know, it’s, it’s, he’s he’s a funny, funny little kid. He is. Really? Yeah, I would say like, he, he always had an old soul, I think.
Wendy:
Yes. Yeah. And you can sense that. It’s so cool when kids have that. Yeah. Well you, you touch on a few things. So when, when you say like how good it feels when you have that connection with your kid, those, those deep moments of connection and being together and, and realizing that holy smokes, it’s working. Like, I just wanna comment that that is such a, it’s, it’s, it’s touching for your heart and it’s connecting and all the things, but it’s also powerful. It’s a feeling of power that is so awesome because I want, I just want listeners to really tap into that because like all human beings, we’re all, we all have a basic, we all have basic needs.
They need to belong, they need to feel powerful, they need to feel unconditionally loved. They need to feel valuable. And power is one of those things that as humans, we’re just always seeking to feel it, right? Like, it doesn’t matter if you’re really easygoing kiddo that’s like this big heart, big hearted centered like Aldie sounds. They’re like a super strong-willed kid. Like strong-willed kids have a very large desire to feel powerful, strong-willed humans do. But everyone has it. And so as parents to tap into that kind of power, that’s true power. That is what’s gonna influence your children to listen to you because they want to, not because they have to, not because they’re scared of you, not because they’re scared of a consequence, but because you really are in this stance of full connection.
And you’re seeing that what you’re modeling is being mirrored. And so you’re teaching through like actually showing your children, not just telling them. And then you’re building this environment where they feel safe and they trust you and they have the ability to learn from their mistakes and take responsibility for their actions without shame. Like, that is such a powerful feeling to know that you are leading your family like that. And because you’re leading like that as a firm kind leader, you’re affecting your community. You’re affecting your world. And so, I just wanted to like drill that in that, that, that fills you up.
That like helps you have more moments where you’re patient and calm and empathetic and you teach and you follow through on the consequences and the strong boundaries with compassion and with kindness, right? Instead of intimidation and aggression. And then the second thing I wanted to say, Jonisa is when you talk about that, those moments, unlike how touching they are for you when you share, yes, I unconditionally love you, and he asked for that, I always like, that is such a great example of, and you mentioned like you’re doing your healing, but I think a lot of times the through the way we parent the opportunities we give our children that we never had, it’s like something happens, like a little bit of healing happens every time.
And so there’s all these different ways to find healing, right? Because everybody has little traumas and big traumas. Like I always say that all of us as parents will leave some type of scar on our children’s that they will work through when they’re older. But there’s so many different ways to Heal through that, right? But they’re just doing it different with your own kids and seeing the results of having a little human being feel unconditionally loved, be open and like given space to be human and feel and all these things. Like, it just, it heals you a little bit every single time. And then the last thing is, you know, you mentioned like just how much we all make mistakes and yes we do, right?
Like you make mistakes sometimes you’re tired, sometimes we all do. But I really believe that like the most powerful, effective parenting probably has like a good amount of those moments where you’re actually making amends. So there is no perfect parent, there is no perfect family. And our children are learning just as much about the amends portion, like repairing the relationship, making amends, learning from our mistakes. They’re learning just as much about life and how to be in relationship with someone as they are by watching someone do it perfectly.
Right? Like, so that making amends part is just so beautiful to hear how you’ve leaned into that and, and the results that it gives are just fantastic. So yeah.
Jonisa:
And he’s so like, good with, you know, saying sorry when he knows that he did something, you know? Yeah. It’s, it’s normal for him. It’s hard for him to say sorry. At the same time, us also, when we make mistakes, we always say sorry to him. And you know, I think that also helps that you know it, to let them understand that we do make mistakes, but it’s the important thing is what we do to correct or, you know, yes. Already. Yeah.
Wendy:
Yes. Yeah. It’s, we don’t need to feel bad about it. We don’t need to have shame, like, listen to your guilt and then just make, you know, make a different choice tomorrow as Aldie says, make a smart choice.
Jonisa:
Yeah, exactly.
Wendy:
Oh my gosh, I love it. Well, just to wrap you guys, so our three kind of key takeaways that you’ve heard Jonisa and I talk about today when it comes to like really trusting that kids are capable of feeling and expressing how they feel even at a young age is we have to give them practice or we have to, we have to give them practice, but we have to give them. patience. We have to give them space to express and then we have to encourage them to express. And some of the things that Jonisa and I have talked about today that just really make up a firm, kind, connected relationship-based family is unconditional love firm boundaries and teaching empathy, listening intently to our kids to each other, forgiveness, supporting one another, acting as a team, having the courage to break generational cycles and do things differently than the way you were raised.
Having personal responsibility be a value of yours and your family. Taking responsibility without shame. The ability to make amends and just understanding what true power actually looks like and feels like when it comes to being a leader of any sorts, but especially as a parent. So, oh my goodness, I knew this conversation was gonna be so life-giving and it has been Jonisa for me. So thank you for being here. I know listeners, they’re, they’re gonna wanna go see, like I said, I included the audio clip of Aldie in the beginning of this episode. But I, I want listeners, I want you to go watch the original clip that lives on Jonah’s Instagram page. You can tell us in a second here.
I want you to tell listeners where they can find you. I know you guys have some new merchandise coming out that’s so exciting, but families, make sure you go watch the original video, give Jonisa and Aldie some love, make sure you’re following all the things, Instagram, TikTok, and then, and then grab some of their merchandise too. So tell us all about it and where we can find you guys. Jonisa.
Jonisa:
Yeah, our Instagram page is mom_Aldie. Same with our TikTok. So you can find, you know, find us there. You can, you have like fun videos, just, you know, anything, anything fun vibes. ’cause Aldie is such a joy And. we also have a merch coming up on, it’s gonna launch on June 26th. It’s, there’s hoodies and unisex tees and also for kids also that says, you know, emotional intelligence just to, you know, promote how important emotional intelligence is and how it does go a long way, especially learning it at a young age and, you know, to adulthood such an important, you know, aspect of in life to survive in this scary world.
So yeah, I would have the link in my TikTok account and our Instagram account when the, when the launch is gonna come up for the march. So yeah. Thank you so much for having me. I, it’s really my pleasure to share what, you know, the knowledge I have when it comes to like what parenting style I’m choosing to, you know, with my kids, right? So thank you so much, Wendy. I just, I feel so happy.
Wendy:
And Jonisa last thing I wanna say is if you, I know you have a full-time job, but if you ever want to become a parenting coach or teacher, the world would be so blessed by you. (Aldie comes on camera) Perfect! Alright buddy, I’m Miss Wendy. Hey. Hi. So nice to meet you. I saw you on tv.
Jonisa:
Oh, she saw you on TV. What do you say?
Wendy:
Do you love having mommy as your mommy? Are you so grateful that she’s your mommy?
Aldie:
Yeah.
Wendy:
Anything Aldie you wanna say to the listeners? There’s people listening. Just like when you were on tv, there’s people listening. Do you wanna say anything?
Aldie:
Hi.
Wendy:
Alright, well we love you sweet buddy. Go give mama some extra big hugs ’cause we just had the best interview. Jonisa, we love you. We’re thankful and listeners, go find Jonisa in all the platforms. Make sure you buy her and Aldie merchandise and it’s been so fun. Thanks Jonisa.
Alright, families, that’s a wrap. I hope you loved listening to today’s episode just as much as I loved recording it for you friendly reminder that now is a great time to head on over to freshstartfamilyonline.com/workshop to learn more and grab your ticket for our live fast track, Discipline Workshop happening on September 30th.
Alternatively, if it’s easier for you just to hop on into Instagram, I’m @FreshStartWendy and shoot me a DM. Go ahead and do that with the word Workshop and I will personally message you in your dms a link so you can learn more and grab your ticket for the live fast track. Discipline. Workshop. All right, families. Well, thanks for listening as always. I can’t wait to see you at the live event on September 30th. And lastly, if you loved this episode, please head on over to Instagram and share, making sure you tag me again, I’m @FreshStartWendy. And just let me know, what did you love about this episode? What was maybe an aha moment or something we chatted about that made you think about parenting in a different way?
I really love to hear from you guys over there. And when you share over on Instagram, it helps spread this light-filled message, right? You never know what family member or friend you have that has had a really hard day in their parenting walk. And when you share our episodes, it spreads that inspiration and motivation and encouragement that again, you just don’t know who needs it. And someone might stumble upon an episode thanks to you and just feel a little bit better and be able to have hope and sleep better tonight. And know how they can do things differently in their parenting walk tomorrow to make their life easier and more joyful with their children.
So again, thank you so much for sharing. It helps us and it helps the world And. we just really, really appreciate Every single one of you who are loyal listeners to the Fresh Start Family Show,
For links, and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode. Head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/194.
Stella:
For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening, families, have a great day.
