In this heartwarming and insightful episode of The Fresh Start Family Show, Wendy Snyder sits down with Nicole Jackson—a nurse, devoted mama, and social media sensation known for her hilarious and relatable parenting videos. Together, they dive into the power of setting firm, loving boundaries with kids in a way that fosters connection instead of conflict. Get ready for laughter, real talk, and game-changing advice that will help you lead with both strength and empathy in your parenting journey.
Nicole opens up about life as a single mom raising her 13-year-old son, sharing personal stories and hard-earned lessons that highlight the beauty (and chaos!) of modern parenting. Wendy and Nicole break down what it truly means to balance kindness with firmness—so you can raise confident, self-sufficient kids without power struggles. Plus, hear firsthand how Nicole’s son views their relationship, giving you a refreshing perspective on parenting that actually works. If you’re looking for practical tips with a dose of humor and heart, this episode is for you!
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Imagine learning a new way of firm (AND kind) parenting so you can end painful generational parenting cycles and create family legacies & memories YOU are proud of?
All while getting your kids to cooperate with your rules and boundaries with ease.
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Parenting your kids with calm & confidence each day in a way that causes them to do what’s asked of them because they WANT to (not because they HAVE to) … because you’re helping to build essential life skills that have them behaving well & being respectful when you’re NOT looking!
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Episode Highlights:
- Humor and Connection: Nicole advocates for using humor to set limits and build connections with children, making parenting lessons more relatable and memorable.
- Leading by Example: Parents should lead by demonstrating the values they wish to instill in their children, fostering respect and empathy through their behavior.
- Balancing Authority and Respect: It’s essential to maintain authority while also respecting a child’s individuality, promoting healthy communication and understanding within the family.
- Humility in Parenting: Parents can learn from their children, practicing humility and remaining open to adjusting their parenting strategies to improve relationships and outcomes.
- Effective Communication: Clear expectations and communication can aid in teaching children essential life skills, such as time management and personal responsibility.
Resources Mentioned:
The Today Show clip
Nicole’s original post on TikTok
Kai’s response post
Catch this episode on YouTube!
Unable to listen, or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!
0:00:02 – (Wendy): Well, hey there, families, and welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show. I am thrilled to be here today with Ms. Nicole Jackson. We are going to be talking about setting clear and firm limits through humor and connection. Welcome to the show, Nicole.
0:00:19 – (Nicole): Thank you. I’m so glad to be here. I’m honored. Thank you so much for inviting me.
0:00:24 – (Wendy): Yes. Well, listeners, I gotta tell you a little bit about how I found Nicole. And then I want to make sure listeners go, go find you over on TikTok and Instagram and all the things to make sure they give you some love. But I found Nicole after I saw her on the Today show one morning. I was cleaning the kitchen after the kids had gone off to school.
0:00:51 – (Wendy): And I just love it when I find people that just make me stop. I just stopped. And like we had to watch this two minute, three minute, whatever, five minute clip that you had with the Today show cre and you were just making me laugh. And you just had this. You have this magnetic beauty about you, Nicole. That is so.
0:01:13 – (Nicole): Thank you.
0:01:13 – (Wendy): You’re welcome. That is so relatable. And, you know, you can just, you just oohed like or exude a, a warmth about you. And so I just thought, you know what, I want to have you on the show to talk about this idea of setting clear and firm limits through humor and connection, which you did so beautifully through that. But will you take a moment just to tell us a little bit about yourself and where you live and how you started creating these videos that now are becoming really, really popular on, on TikTok and Instagram. Obviously, if you’re getting invited to the Today show, but tell us a little bit more about you.
0:01:52 – (Nicole): So I am a 43 year old woman. I live in Cleveland, Ohio. I am a nurse and have been one for almost 20 years. Oh my goodness.
0:02:05 – (Wendy): Thank you, Nicole.
0:02:06 – (Nicole): Literally, it’ll be 20 years next year. And I’ve been in the nursing field for almost 23. Fun fact, my first day going to school to become an sba.
0:02:20 – (Wendy): Oh, you cut out there for a second. Say it again. Fun fact. You’re what again?
0:02:26 – (Nicole): Being in school to be an STNA, to introduce myself into the nursing gang was 9 11. The 911.
0:02:34 – (Wendy): Was it really dang.
0:02:37 – (Nicole): V 9 11. I remember them shutting the city down and everything, but I just basically am a person that likes to live in realistic simplicity. I think we need to laugh at the real aspect that isn’t so pretty when it comes to anything in life. I love the fact that I’m just basically speaking how I would any other time and just taking what we would source, some people would consider intrusive thoughts and making them receivable.
0:03:06 – (Nicole): And that’s the whole point about it. When I give you a message, I want you to be. To be receptive to the message. So I try to deliver it in a way that it will come across that way. So I come from a family full of witty people. I’m one of. I’m. I’m the dullest of them, believe it or not. They would consider you the mean one. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, we got jokes for days over here and we talk. We just sort of say it real, but in a receivable way. And that’s all that the video is about. It’s about what it’s really about.
0:03:39 – (Nicole): But you just make it fun because we all go through these things and people think they’re the only one going through these things. And when in actuality you’re not. We. It’s a bunch of us out here, as you can see. We’re all raising the same kid.
0:03:52 – (Wendy): Yes. Literally. So I have an almost 13, almost 16 year old at this. How old’s your son again?
0:03:59 – (Nicole): 13. 13.
0:04:01 – (Wendy): And it’s just so funny how this back to school reel, essentially, I don’t know when you filmed it, but right now, at the time that we’re filming this podcast episode, it probably won’t come out till later in the year, but it’s back to school season and literally everything you talk about is so spot on. So we’re gonna, we’re gonna cover that stuff in just a little bit. But so single mom, right, Nicole?
0:04:24 – (Nicole): Single mom.
0:04:24 – (Wendy): Yep, single mom. And so tell me like it. You can see in this spot that you had on the Today show with your son that you guys have such a deep connection, you and your little boy. Is he only kiddo? Do you have others or is it just him?
0:04:39 – (Nicole): He is the only child, but he is not raised in an only child environment. So then we have a multi generational home. So he has three other cousins that he’s been growing up with since he was one. But he’s the baby, so. He’s the baby. But yeah, he’s my only child. Absolutely my only child.
0:04:56 – (Wendy): And how, how have you, like, what do you think you’ve done over the years or what do you think has created such a strong connection but between the two of you? Because, oh my goodness, his response to your reel was just brilliant. And he did his own version of this Ain’t that. And then just what he added about how, you know, what we’re not going to do is forget that we love each other. You’re an awesome mom and I’m an awesome kid.
0:05:27 – (Wendy): Like a 13 year old. To say that so clearly and profoundly about his mom like that, that is just a signal of deep connection and respect for his mama. So what do you think got you there? What has caused such deep connection between you and your little boy?
0:05:44 – (Nicole): Well, first of all, I like my kid. Let’s put that out there. I. My parenting method is don’t raise somebody you wouldn’t like to be around. I choose to enjoy motherhood. I want to enjoy it. I believe in autocorrection, like autocorrect or course correction. Because kids don’t come with manuals. We don’t know what we’re doing. I just remember that part, humanity. My child is a person. I don’t think a lot of parents sometimes see their children as actual whole people.
0:06:20 – (Nicole): I think they see them as their children and sometimes. We don’t always look at children sometimes as if they’re a holistic person. But I respect my child. If I honestly want him to have a safe space, I have to be the one to create it. But I also have to lead by example. There’s so many parts. I had a friend that said, nicole, you’re like the mother who throw the baby out into the wilderness to hide behind a boulder to make sure nothing happens.
0:06:47 – (Nicole): Because reality or life. I have to give you a chance to practice applying the lessons to which I’ve taught. I mean, you wouldn’t put somebody that’s never practiced with the team out in the world or ever practiced with a team. Like if you play sports, if you’ve never practiced with us, why would I put you in during the NBA Finals? In order to play a game, I want to do that. You have to do that. I think remembering that my child is my number one priority. But if there’s a number one, there’s a two and three. And I have to remember to keep.
0:07:24 – (Nicole): I’m setting realistic expectations. Again, we live in realistic simplicity. So I shouldn’t expect my child. I shouldn’t expect my child, that’s him. I shouldn’t expect my child to. To do things that will be on my level. And I also shouldn’t expect him to have understanding if I haven’t given. There’s a lot of facets about it. But my main thing Is it’s either the Hunger Games or the Water Boys. Like, everything is the devil or maybe odds be ever in your favor, we sort of put you out there and hide behind the boulder while we have a time to correct it.
0:08:02 – (Nicole): I like my son. I like being a mother. It. It’s. He’s. He’s an awesome kid. However, comma. That’s because I’m raising him to be. And so I’m gonna take my flowers while I have it.
0:08:16 – (Wendy): Heck, yeah. Well, it sure sounds like, you know, in my field note, doing what I do. Being in parenting educator and family life coach, I can tell when you talk about course correction and also, like, seeing the humanity in your child that. And. And allowing him to fail. Like having opportunities to fail. Right. Like.
0:08:37 – (Nicole): Or in yourself. Yeah. And yourself. Let’s. Let’s. It’s okay.
0:08:41 – (Wendy): I love that in yourself.
0:08:43 – (Nicole): Starts with the parent. It always starts with us. We’re the child’s first teacher with the child’s first influence. It starts with us. When I say bring your humanity back into your parenting, I’m talking about yours. As a parent. Sometimes we as parents think we have to be these stoic beings that don’t have feelings and emotions or have issues that we need to deal with. I couldn’t be the best mother for my child if I’m not the best person for me, you know, so it was a lot of deconstruction or.
0:09:15 – (Nicole): I don’t live through my child in an unhealthy way, meaning I don’t project what I want the child to be. I want to live through you by being there when you get to experience these things. Not because this is the course I want you to take. And course correction is how you parent. We don’t. We have to find what’s working and what’s not and then adjust it so that you can do the best possible job.
0:09:43 – (Wendy): Absolutely. And. And be ready to teach all day, every day. Right.
0:09:47 – (Nicole): Oh, my goodness. And reiterate the same point over and over and over and over and over. Literally, as I’m getting ready this. Kai threw some beads down the sink. And I’m like, so you saw these bead. Like these. These gummy beads for his little thing? And I’m like, did you see this? He’s like, yeah. I was like, so you just gonna leave it? You know, you weren’t gonna try to fix it. You were just gonna look at it? You were going to cause an issue, not fix the problem? He’s like, I didn’t even pay attention to it. I said, yes. See, I know there that safety that I give you, but you can’t throw these things down the sink. You claw the sink. And now.
0:10:21 – (Nicole): And so this is before we’re getting on coming here today. So I said, I hope you understand the next time you cause this issue, you’ll be fixing clear boundaries for you as a parent, clear standards and expectations for the child. Because again, we remember boundaries are about how you move. Boundaries only control you. Expectations and standards and rules is how the other people govern. So as a parent, you absolutely have to have boundaries again, throw you out into the wilderness, hide behind the rock.
0:10:51 – (Wendy): So I love. This is so. I mean, you talk like an educator, but you say, you know, you’re a nurse, obviously. So how did. I mean, have you done like this type? I mean, because this is. This is very, like, profound. This is. Yes, this is the way it exactly works, right? Yeah, yeah. Like, so how. How have you like, developed. Is this just intuition? Like you just knew it, like all this discussion around all the things you’ve said, but like the clear boundaries and everything?
0:11:16 – (Nicole): No, I mean, it goes. Yes, it’s information that I know because it’s what I apply to myself. Again, I lead by example. So in my life, I know I need to have healthy boundaries. And that goes for everyone. And I do mean everyone people. How do I say this? I don’t parent my child based upon how you see me hearing my child. Basic child D. The only person that’s going to be able to tell you exactly and really, truly what is my son, because he’s the person to whom I’m the mother with. I had that conversation.
0:11:53 – (Nicole): I remember talking to my mother and telling her about some things and she’s like, that never happened. And she was speaking to me as if I wasn’t an exact product of her parenting. And I’m like, you’re talking to me like I don’t know what type of mother you are. I’m your child. But a lot of times we don’t see it that way. So when I make certain moves with my kid and if somebody wants to know the why I’m a nurse, you always have to tell me why I’m moving the way I’m moving. What’s the purpose? Because I move better when I know why. Because although this may way may be good, I might think this way is better or something else.
0:12:27 – (Nicole): This is not speaking from a parenting expert. This is just speaking from what I would live every day. As far as being an educator, I’m a nurse. You always got to Educate somebody on something. However, I love knowledge and obtaining knowledge and I love explaining things to people. So that’s where that probably comes out.
0:12:46 – (Wendy): That’s so cool. And you know what I’m realizing? So geriatric nurse, right?
0:12:51 – (Nicole): Geriatric rehabilitation.
0:12:53 – (Wendy): Okay, so you’re. And what’s interesting, I just met somebody through like a business group that I was doing and she’s. I love her. Her, her handle on Instagram is Dementia underscore Careblazers. And she helps, she helps families who are caretakers of people with dementia. And my goodness, she is amazing. I’m gonna have her on the show. But it. So that it’s now starting to make sense to me a little bit because what I was telling her is that I think it’s so fascinating how much similarities there are between when you’re caring for someone that’s older in the last two generation, two decades of their life, and you’re raising children in the first two decades of their life. So much of it is the same concepts. When you’re bringing in like dignity and respect and compassion and firm kindness and boundaries. And like what you were like explaining the why, right? Like a 90 year old is very similar to a 13 year old. Like if you just tell them get in the shower now, they, they don’t cooperate as well as if you’re like, hey, let me explain to you what’s going to happen, right? Like, does that carry through in your nursing field a little bit?
0:14:04 – (Nicole): It, it carries over to everything. It’s not just your nursing field. That’s anybody that you talk to, your partner. I, I tell people what I do on Tick Tock while you saw the one aspect, that’s me as a parent, I also have another group and our thing is to make better. Make better humans. Like, oh, I’m not saying it right. Let me. You cannot tell me that you want better human relationships. If you, that if you then do not want to change how you relate to other humans.
0:14:35 – (Wendy): Heck yeah.
0:14:38 – (Nicole): So if I want to change the, the dynamic between me and my son, I have to do some radical self analysis. I have to give grace and empathy. I have to give understanding. I have to give comprehension. I cannot hold you to a standard of understanding. If I’m the person that’s supposed to teach you and I figure you’re just supposed to know. I cannot explain. I can’t explain it to a way that goes over your head, I need you to retain it and understand it.
0:15:10 – (Nicole): So it’s really just human relations. And one thing my grandfather taught me diverse his soul. He said getting a broader education shouldn’t shorten the amount or limit the amount of people you could talk to, should it? Should expand it. I, as a nurse who have had this advanced education should be able to talk to anybody and explain any concept to them in a way that they understand it. The same way I could take this grand concept and explain it to somebody who has a doctorate degree. I should be able to do it to somebody who’s in kindergarten.
0:15:41 – (Nicole): I think when we look at perception and that’s what tweaked for me is changing perceptions of, of my child and really thought about it, that’s what made me decide that we need to course correct what we’re doing. And it opened up so many doors. You absolutely have to have boundaries, standards, expectations. That’s how life works. But you make it age appropriate and you don’t wait till they’re super grown to teach it. I’ve been, we’ve been going this route since he was old enough to comprehend and trust me, he’s a very smart child. He’s been comprehended quite some time.
0:16:18 – (Nicole): Kids say the darndest thing is the whole thing. I found it funny that some of the out outcries and the most of it’s been positive, but will be like, I would never let my son call me a liar. I would never tell my son or my son could never make a video and tell me what to do. And I’m like, well, have you ever seen a show called Kids say the darndest thing? I said, kids humor is the funniest humor. Like when kids come back at you and use that simple child logic on you. It is the best thing.
0:16:59 – (Nicole): The course correction. The course correction comes in that I don’t see my child as an extension of me as someone. Okay, I want you to tell me a time as an adult where somebody can come up to you and say, I have to give you something extremely valuable and you don’t have a choice but to take it. And because I did that, now you owe me everything. Yeah, I want you to tell me how that works. Because for me, my child didn’t ask to be here.
0:17:36 – (Nicole): It was my decision and mine alone. And I owe him everything I can until he’s no longer in my stewardship. And with that stewardship comes a certain amount of authority. But that doesn’t Mean, I have to be authoritative because I remember being a kid, I remember being a kid and like, they never listen to me and they never see me and they never hear me. And then parents go, well, why don’t they talk to me?
0:17:59 – (Nicole): Well, they don’t feel safe talking to you because you don’t even see them as a whole human being. Holistic care is across the board. I don’t care in what relationship you’re talking about. Parents, family. If you’re talking about your romantic relationships, it’s holistic care. So it does cross over because it’s just basic humanity. That’s all you’re doing. Yes.
0:18:22 – (Wendy): Oh, man, you are brilliant, Nicole. And it’s just so effective. And yeah, it’s like, it’s so funny that that sounds like some people commented, like, oh, I wouldn’t let my kid challenge me. But his challenge back to you was the heart melter part of your guys, you know, Right. Like, he is hysterical.
0:18:42 – (Nicole): Like, why can you not have a sense of humor about who are you, that you can’t be called on your thing and your child be the one. Your kids will be the one to hurt your feelings more than anybody else on the planet. You would be like, listen, my son told me that he wanted me to cook for him one day because I had the auntie with the good potato salad arms, which basically means you have like a really fat arm. And then he jiggled the fat and he was trying to give me a compliment, but now I was sitting up like, oh, my God. I went to a pressure spot because it’s funny, it’s realistic. Simplicity.
0:19:14 – (Nicole): If you are a human being that has thoughts, feelings, dreams, desires, emotions, why do you then think that it doesn’t count for your children? That doesn’t make sense. And if you don’t know how to wrangle them in, then you’re not going to be able to teach them. So when my son came up with the concept, he said, I got a video to do too. And I said, well, go ahead and do it. And he did the video. And I said, this is bloody genius. Like, are you serious?
0:19:42 – (Nicole): Because. Because everything he said in the video is absolutely true. Absolutely true. I do. First day of school, I’m like, good morning, getting up out of bed, going, I do try to enter. He’s playing his game right now. And so I’ll go. And then like, say, don’t do such and such. And he’ll be like, I can’t pause the game. And I’ll go, I don’t care about you not being able to pause the game, but then something. You know what I’m saying?
0:20:07 – (Nicole): So it’s. It’s real facts. What is he doing? My biggest question would be to parents when they say things like, my child couldn’t talk to me like that. And I said, well, why are you displaying a behavior that your child can’t mirror back? Like, why would you talk to your child in a way that you can’t. They can’t mirror it. Anything I do to my son, he absolutely should be able to mirror back to me because again, again, I’m not. I’m leading by example, so I don’t understand it. So if my son, if I could poke fun at the things he does, why can’t he poke fun at the things I do?
0:20:40 – (Nicole): Because you don’t see him as a K. Dang.
0:20:43 – (Wendy): Straight. Yeah. And what’s so cool about what Both.
0:20:59 – (Wendy): Well, what’s so brilliant, Nicole, is that it’s. And this is so cool. So here, listeners, listen to me. Listen. Nicole just paused to tell probably a little cousin, right? Or was that just pause to tell her little boy very clearly what she wanted him to do? And this is, this is a perfect segue into what I was going to discuss next because this reel is a funny example of saying what you don’t want. Right. And your son is just again, like, hilarious and came back with the most beautiful, whatever that’s called. When you like rebuttal, Right. But really, you can tell by the way you parent and the way you live your life and the way you lead your family is that you’re also setting the clear expectations. You’re asking for what you want. Right. So it sounds like it’s a. It’s. Would you say it’s a pattern for you, that. Yes. Sometimes you might make it funny like you did in this reel. Right. Like all the different things that you pointed out, but you’re also taking the time to then clearly ask for what you want.
0:22:06 – (Wendy): So right now, in the moment when you were like, hey, I need you to be quiet. Instead of opening the door and being like, stop talking, stop screaming. You were like, hey, I need you to be quiet for the next half hour until I, Until I finish this interview. And you’re very firm about it, right? You could tell the. Very firm and clear about your boundaries. So would you say that that’s like part that’s become part of your rhythm that has helped you success.
0:22:31 – (Nicole): Yeah, listen, that’s everything. And then. Okay. Boys will act as if they don’t understand. Or is I equivalent boys to Drax? If you’ve ever seen Guardians of the Galaxy, Drax is so literal. So literal. Like, he doesn’t breathe in between a line. He doesn’t read context. He’s so literal. And I think that’s how you have to be when you explain things to kids. He. He understands. I need him to be quiet.
0:23:00 – (Nicole): And he’s in his mode, and he may not understand, like, how important it. So I’ll go back because this was. This was. I said. I said, dude, can you do me a favor? Right? And then I came back and I said, I need you to stop for the next 45 minutes. I give you a time frame. I say, I don’t need it forever. And he’s receptive to it. But I’m not going to say it in a way to him that’s unclear.
0:23:22 – (Wendy): Yeah.
0:23:22 – (Nicole): Where you don’t understand it. And I’m not going to say it because, you know, we all have that mother tongue. You know, that mother tone. Yes. You know, we may say something off the cuff. And then. Then one second, we’ll go, I said, do this. The authoritative. I said, this is what I said. I said what I said. Because I think people seeing my son, they think we don’t beef. We’re kids, we’re two. We have fun and we like each other, but we’re two people with personalities.
0:23:46 – (Nicole): So we absolutely butt here. If he’s 13, we’re gonna, you know, try to rebel a little bit. He’s gonna try to do that. He might not have been realized what he’s doing. So we have grandson said, listen, I need this. And he says, okay, but I’m respecting him while I’m doing it. My clear communication is respecting. You have respect. When you are a person of authority and you have respect for the people who you have authority over, you get.
0:24:12 – (Nicole): You’re so excited. You get so. You get so much further. You get so much fun. Like, you get so much.
0:24:20 – (Wendy): Dang. That is a mic drop right there. That is so true. When you have true respect for the people that you have authority over, you get so much farther. Yes.
0:24:31 – (Nicole): It’s so beasts have decreased so much. And I think from a child who tried. From parent who initially started one way, and I’m a total 360, like, I’ve circled the entire block as to the type of parent I am now really oh, yeah, me too. Because I started out as an authoritative dominant.
0:24:57 – (Wendy): Yeah, me too.
0:24:58 – (Nicole): I will say that parts of me that felt bad about when I allowed this to be the thing, the single mother thing. Like, you’re not gonna say I raised you wrong and the world’s not gonna think you’re this and that. And it did so much. And then one day, my son, he was panicking because he gotta be on a test. And I’m like, that’s a great grade. What do you mean? And he’s like, no, I should have got an A. And I said, you think I expect you to be perfect?
0:25:23 – (Nicole): And he said, yes, I do. It changed everything.
0:25:27 – (Wendy): Did you expect yourself? Right. Did you check yourself? Oh, yeah.
0:25:31 – (Nicole): Because I was projecting onto him certain things, and now he’s going to get certain things because of how. Hi. Relax. Thank you. Please.
0:25:47 – (Wendy): We’ll have to tell him he can come on and say hi at the end if he really wants to.
0:25:51 – (Nicole): He loves it.
0:25:52 – (Wendy): Next time you open the door.
0:25:54 – (Nicole): Yes.
0:25:56 – (Wendy): Well, that projection thing is so real. Right?
0:25:59 – (Nicole): Like, we don’t quite realize a project people. Okay. One of the biggest arguments parents have is intention versus. And we all know how the argument of intent versus impact go. I didn’t intend for it to be that way. So don’t take it the way I intended it. However, it’s your job to deliver it the way you intend for it to be, to impact the person. So if you’re going to argue, like, they should just know I did the best I could. Yes, I understand. But could there have been a better way?
0:26:28 – (Nicole): And we as parents have to start. It starts with the parent. I do not care whatever my son turns out to be, whatever I and his father raised him to be. It’s how we set the example, how we set the bar, how we did whatever we had to do. And intention versus impact is a dangerous thing because people will try to make you believe that your impact should mean more than or your intention should be more than your impact when. No, it is absolutely true that two things can be true at the same time. That I intended to do right by you and did harm at the same time. Absolutely.
0:27:02 – (Nicole): So you have to check yourself. You have to check yourself. These are tiny human beings. They’re not. They’re tiny human beings who we have to teach how to be big human beings. That’s what I’m doing. I’m not raising him to be a perpetual child, raising him to be an adult. So I have to teach him the lesson and I have to show him better than I could tell him, parents, show them better than you can tell them show beats. Tell every day of the week. Realistic simplicity.
0:27:28 – (Nicole): Like, I may want you to be a basketball player, but you love academia. So then why not cheer just as loud as you would at a basketball game as you would at a spelling beat? Because that’s who you are. That’s what you are. It’s not my projection onto you of what I want you to be. It’s me being supportive of the individual you. You are. But, you know, these are real conversations. Sometimes it’s. It’s hard for us.
0:27:52 – (Nicole): We. We love our kids. We want to do right back.
0:27:55 – (Wendy): Oh, you are so brilliant. I adore you. That it’s all so true, right? And that idea of, like, intention versus impact. We teach, like, a weekend life coaching course where we talk a lot about that and how the impact is you can measure, right? Like, we all have these goals. We have these goals of who we want to be as parents and how we want to teach these important life lessons and the kind of, you know, human souls that we want to nurture and help mold to put out in the world.
0:28:25 – (Wendy): And your impact is one way to measure. Right? Like, what is it really working? Right? Like, I just hosted, before we did this call, a discipline workshop with, gosh, we had 1500 families registered just to show up to learn how to compassion.
0:28:43 – (Nicole): Don’t even get me started on the discipline aspect of parenting. That is the part that’s. That. That. That’s a zero out of ten. The. The disciplinary part of is a zero.
0:28:53 – (Wendy): What’s up, girl? My workshop.
0:28:56 – (Nicole): Oh, no, I have discipline. Don’t worry. We have the discipline on life. I’m saying the experience of it, like. No, but that’s the downside. That’s not the fun side of parenting. The fun side of parenting is doing being on the Today show with your kids because you’re awesome. That’s. That’s the fun side. The downside is when they don’t follow the rules and you have to do the disciplinary part, and you don’t want to, because everybody can be the fun parent. Fun parent is fun, but you have to balance it with that.
0:29:23 – (Nicole): Parenting is like laundry detergent. Okay? I had a friend tell me this one, too. Parenting is like laundry detergent. Some people are a gay person, a Thai person. Some people are a Purex person. Some people will spend a lot of money and they will look into it and choose whatever, but at the end of the day, the clothes get washed. That’s parenting in a nutshell. The clothes get washed. No matter how you choose to wash them or what you choose to use to wash them, the clothes get washed.
0:29:54 – (Nicole): Now, some people’s clothes may not get as clean as other people’s clothes, but the clothes get clean, clothes get washed. And that’s parenting in a nutshell. It is the biggest mind gymnastics you’re ever going to have. Get one shot with each of the tiny humans that you’re in. And because if we talked about discipline, my whole discipline regime changed one day. The type of discipline I was changed from a reaction I got from my kid.
0:30:23 – (Nicole): Because again, how do you see me, sir? How do you see me? Kidding. Would you say that I was an understanding, compassionate, caring person that showed respect, or would society say that you would see me a totally different I parent? How my child sees me?
0:30:40 – (Wendy): Yes.
0:30:41 – (Nicole): How my child. With the goals that I have for my child in mind, how do I teach the goals? So that he said, I learned this in a compassionate way. Like, how did I learn that? And it’s okay to have respect and compassion for your children. Okay for that?
0:30:56 – (Wendy): Yeah. And what you’re talking about too, is humility, right? When we’re talking about measuring, like, what are. Are we reaching our goals by our impact and having the humility to look and the respect to look to your child and see, like, how are they responding to my discipline? Are they scared of me? Or are they really learning the life lesson here? And to have the humility, like I just saw so many parents do in this workshop, say, you know what? My impact is not actually not where I want it to be. I want to learn some new ways to teach instead of punish.
0:31:30 – (Wendy): And. And it’s just one of my favorite traits in a human being is the ability to be humble because it’s so strong, right. Like, it’s so much easier, in my opinion, to be cocky and defensive.
0:31:43 – (Nicole): And respect is the trust and respect you’ll have for a longer period of time than you will definitely fear. Trust and respect, you’ll have longer than the fear because that’s where they feel the safest.
0:31:56 – (Wendy): True.
0:31:57 – (Nicole): I used to be a physical discipline parent. Yeah, I used to. And then one day, the same hands that I want to hold my. My snookum duumed. And I went, why did you do that? He said, well, I thought you were going to give me a spanking. And I said, well, what did you think I was going to do that for? But the fact that.
0:32:18 – (Wendy): Why would you think that?
0:32:19 – (Nicole): Why would you think that? Maybe because you’re, you know, I think parents Go about teaching a lesson. They go by what they know. They go by what’s easiest sometimes. And, and I’m not talking about anybody for that. But the other day we had this conversation, and my son, I said, let me ask you a question. When do you learn the lesson better? He said, I learned better when you take it away from me, take things away from me and talk to me.
0:32:50 – (Nicole): He said, I never explain why. He said, when you’re disappointed in me, that’s what hurts the most. So if this method of me parenting isn’t teaching the lesson, then you can’t tell me that it’s the most effective way of teaching a lesson, because then I’m going to look at it a totally different way. If I’m doing this and you’re still continuing the behavior, then you haven’t learned the lesson. And now I have to understand why am I still using this form of discipline in order to.
0:33:22 – (Nicole): Or this form of correction if it’s not effective? Well, it’s the, it’s the simplest way, maybe. No, because if the lesson isn’t learned, then what. What is it for the purpose of discipline? The purpose of punishment is to teach the consequences for the action the person of discipline is. Or to have it. And sometimes we, and sometime we just do what we know because we don’t know what else to do. And that’s no shade. It’s all about course correction. You know, like, okay, this isn’t working.
0:33:53 – (Nicole): Let me try this and try stepping out of your box. When I learned to be humble and bring my humanity into my parenting for me and for my child, I became a better person, which they made me a mother, which then made a better. And that’s all.
0:34:08 – (Wendy): That is so true. It, it is so helpful. Right? Again, when you bring in that humility piece and what we call here holding space muscles and like listening intently and instead of thinking, you know, Right. So like I remember asking my daughter, so we live in Southern California. It’s like, I swear, the ebike capital of the world. Like, these kids got ebikes. It’s mini motorcycles. It’s scary, but at the same time they have freedom and it’s wonderful. They can get themselves to sports practice and school. And it’s.
0:34:37 – (Wendy): It is nice they, they learn this independence from young, right? To like, take care of yourself and. But it is also very scary because there’s obviously big roads and you know, we definitely. There’s scary stuff that happens with kids on the road and blah, blah, blah, so. But one day I was talking to my daughter in the car. And it drives me nuts. How many kids I always say, like, man, I’m not trying to blame the parents, but where are the parents? Like, the helmets aren’t buckled. So sometimes the helmets aren’t on.
0:35:06 – (Wendy): Sometimes kids on these bikes, I mean, I see just all the time there’s so many kids who are just blatantly like not observing the road rules and whether it’s my little block and it’s or a big four lane, like street, but the consequences are death, right?
0:35:24 – (Nicole): Yeah.
0:35:24 – (Wendy): And I’m just like, we got to be firmer here. But I asked Stella one day, I said, so what do you think? Why do you think is the reason why you are able to adhere to the family, like the strong family boundary of like, in order to ride this E bike, like, that helmet’s got to be buckled at all times and the, like, the jaywalking is never an option. Like, you know, and. Or whatever it’s called. Like, if you go when the light is not, you’re not supposed to go. Right? Like, we see the kids do it all the time.
0:35:53 – (Wendy): And she said, and I said, really think about it. Like, what do you think is the difference? Like, why do you think some other kids are not adhering to the boundaries? And she said, mom, I think it’s because you, you just really teach us the why. Like, you teach us why the rule is so important instead of just stop it or else you’ll get your bike taken away like, or you’ll get your, like the big thing around Here with these 15 year olds is you’ll get your iPhone. Take the iPhone and the E bike is what gets taken away. And granted, take. You know, taking a break from an E bike can absolutely be connected to the life skill of learning how to ride it safely.
0:36:27 – (Wendy): But it was interesting to hear her perspective of this is what has helped me respect the rule and boundary. And you know, it’s, it’s just nice if you can find the humility to turn it on the. Anytime to just ask a kid, like, why, you know, why do you think you’re struggling to not be able to do this? Like, what, what is, what are you missing that I can teach you or help you learn what life skill, like what’s going on for you?
0:36:51 – (Wendy): We just gain such info.
0:36:53 – (Nicole): I think it’s the humility to be able to understand that the perspective of your child is important in your parenting. I think it’s the humility to understand you don’t have it all together. I think it’s the humility to laugh at the little irritations and aggravations. I think it’s okay to enjoy parenting and speak up when parenting is being kind of, you know, d. Baggish, you know, it’s. It’s a. Yeah, you, you know the why.
0:37:20 – (Nicole): If I’m supposed to teach you how you move in the world and why the world moves this way, why wouldn’t I explain to you? A lot of people say kids shouldn’t be able to question adults. And I said, well, why not?
0:37:33 – (Wendy): Right?
0:37:33 – (Nicole): You don’t want your child to ask you why. Why wouldn’t you want that? You’re the one that’s supposed to explain it to them. And a lot of times we say, oh, well, they’re not ready for it. I don’t think it’s. That they’re not ready for it. You can make anything age appropriate. If it’s lack of communication skills, which a lot of us have, you know, it’s. And that’s not the thing. I didn’t know how to communicate till I tried to learn how to communicate better.
0:37:57 – (Nicole): So. Lack of communication skills, humility. Again, empathy. Empathy is a big thing. Empathy is a big thing. People think empathy is an emotion. Empathy is a skill. It’s a muscle. You have to work the muscle. It’s the ability to be able to recognize and express the emotions of another person. And a lot of times you can do that cognitively or you can do that emotionally, but to be able to do it, it’s a skill. So flex that muscle.
0:38:27 – (Nicole): Like that space muscle you’re talking about. Flex that. When kids feel respected, they generally tend to respect you better. And I mean in a healthy way. Like, make no mistake about it, my son absolutely knows who the authorities. He will tell you, my mother is not to be played with and I’m not.
0:38:46 – (Wendy): Yes.
0:38:46 – (Nicole): However, comma, that doesn’t mean I have to treat you like a peon or be. Have a hammer down on you or I can’t remember, you’re a human being or you don’t deserve respect. Because how do I teach you self respect? How do I teach you about how to give and receive respect? Respect. If I’m not doing the same, it’s a. It’s a balancing act. And again, you just course correct as you go. Parents, if you are trying to be the best parent you can be, you are doing a fabulous job.
0:39:13 – (Nicole): It would be. It would be great for you to just sit back and say, let me evaluate some things, Especially if you feel like you’re pulling teeth at some point, not saying that the weeds don’t grow in the garden. Parenthood is a beautiful garden, but you got to battle them weeds and rodents too. Not just the flowers that blue. You gotta deal with that, too. So when we make a video and say, you know what? I’m not dealing with this.
0:39:39 – (Nicole): And that’s okay. Parents don’t sacrifice everything. Remember, you have to be a holistic human in order to be a holistic. So remember, take time for yourself. Have some me time. It is okay to tell the children no, it’s okay. You teach them about boundaries by you giving boundaries, but make sure it’s realistic and age appropriate.
0:40:00 – (Wendy): And I love it.
0:40:01 – (Nicole): And just, just. And just understand and just have fun. Just have fun.
0:40:07 – (Wendy): Yes. And we’re gonna go through these real quick just because this is how I found you. So we’re gonna take this video and we’re gonna go through it real quick. What is the life skill that we’re teaching our kid? Right? So, okay, when it. This ain’t that changing up our stomach energy. So you go on about like, oh, hell no. Like, you’re not gonna act like you got a stomachache now all summer you’ve been eating this stuff. So what is what we. What are we. What is the life skill we are teaching these kids?
0:40:33 – (Nicole): We are teaching. What we’re teaching is that despite the fact that you have a stomach ache, for whatever reason, you need to properly communicate what’s going on. Because there must be an underlying reason. And sometimes you just gotta push through. Because a lot of people say, well, what if they have anxiety? Okay, if they have anxiety, we have tools to help anxiety. You’re going to have to live out in the world and you’re going to have to learn how to manage these. With these things. So I get it.
0:41:01 – (Nicole): And I want you to know that I’m not as simple as you think I am. You ate that disgusting diet. All summer you’ve been around and now all of a sudden your stomach hurt every day. Well, let’s go to the doctor, get it looked at. And now we about to go to this schoolhouse because my son, when he was in the second grade, used to tell them he would vomit because they knew he would get sent home. And so then one day I said, tell them to show you the vomit.
0:41:29 – (Nicole): And when he couldn’t, he never did it again. You know what I’m saying? Kids fake stomach aches. It is true. It can be anxiety. But also, kids fix somebody. So you’re teaching them communicate what it is that’s going on with you. So that we can get to the crooks of the problem. And even if it is anxiety or something, medically, we can get it looked at so we can move along. But sometimes you got to do it. You got to push through. Sometimes you got to push through.
0:41:51 – (Wendy): Okay, I love it. That’s a good one. All right. Second one. This ain’t that. We ain’t gonna act like we can’t wake up after, oh, 77.
0:42:00 – (Nicole): You’ve been getting up before our Lord and Savior every day, asking me what’s for breakfast, but now all of a sudden, I need a semi truck to run you over to wake you up in the morning. No, you know how to get up. We’ve been on this bed regime a long time. So waking up on time is absolutely pertinent in order for you to manage your day. Time management is what you’re teaching them. And quit playing with me is what you’re teaching them. Because my hard boundaries that we’re going to get where we have to go.
0:42:30 – (Nicole): The rule in my house is we do what we need or have to do before we do what we want to do, you know? Yes.
0:42:36 – (Wendy): We call that sequencing. It’s fantastic. Yes. And you know, listeners, you can feel like, as we’re going through some of these just for fun, you can feel like there is asking for what you want, but there is a firm teaching and boundary going on in order to be successful with this work. Right. Like, which is essentially the middle ground between. Too firm, which is those autocratic styles we all grew up with. A lot of fear and force.
0:43:00 – (Wendy): Too soft, which is permissive. Do what you want. I’ll give you chicken nuggets every night and drive you to school late. Is that middle road between, you know, too kind, too firm, which is firm and kind. And it needs so much firmness. Like, and let me clear this up.
0:43:16 – (Nicole): I did not feed the child hot chips and chicken nuggets for every meal all summer long because I got flack for that. Like, you’re giving it to him. Okay, so what we’re saying is that you ate food that was disgusting all summer and now your stomach hurts. Grand flack for that. But there, you have to find a balance. You cannot be too hard, and you cannot be too soft. You have to find the middle ground. World, you have to.
0:43:39 – (Wendy): Well, it’s just so.
0:43:40 – (Nicole): Well, it doesn’t work that way. Yes. World. Are you raising a perpetual child? No, you’re raising adults.
0:43:47 – (Wendy): Here’s another life skill to teach in that moment is how to take care of your body. So if you are having stomach aches, then let’s look at what you’re putting into it because again, 13 and 16 year old almost, this is literally everything you have listed is exact, exactly what they do.
0:44:02 – (Nicole): This happened with.
0:44:04 – (Wendy): Okay, this ain’t that we’re gonna not prepare our clothes and our items for the next day, the day before. Okay, again, literally Sunday night, poor performance.
0:44:14 – (Nicole): Why are we rushing out the door to get you to the bus when you could have simply just gotten your items ready? We could have had an easy morning. Listen, if you want to take the extra 10 minutes to sleep a little bit longer, you can because you prepared the items. It’s just about being prepared. I don’t know why people act like being prepared is such a bad thing, but these kids, they don’t want to prepare anything the night before. They don’t care.
0:44:38 – (Nicole): The tiny humans are trying to take us out, and I won’t let you.
0:44:44 – (Wendy): Well, you know what sucky is, man. Terry was just talking to Taryn about this one yesterday, and I loved the way you phrased it as like, first we’re gonna do this, then we’re gonna do that, or however you said it. We got to do the must do before the want to’s, I think is how you said it. And he was talking about like, you know, essentially teaching Taryn, like, before you do anything else, because he leaves early for school because this sports thing he gets to do.
0:45:05 – (Wendy): I want you to do your homework and then do something else.
0:45:08 – (Nicole): Right.
0:45:09 – (Wendy): And I was challenging a little bit because I was. I was like secretly beating myself up because I am such a procrastinator. Right. So it’s like being able to look at that is so part of this mix, right? Yes. We’re teaching the life skills of don’t wait till the last minute, which my kids are fantastic at. Sunday night, they will fight over the washer and then beg me to change their clothes at 10pm and I’m like, hell no.
0:45:31 – (Wendy): But. But to look at where we modeled it.
0:45:35 – (Nicole): Do what you have to do before you do what you want to do. Listen, you cannot get those clothes prepared if you want to. I’m not your problem. Is not my emergency. Your poor planning is not my emergency. Yeah, so you have to teach them that by the time my. My son is in the eighth grade. We’ve been doing this school thing for quite some time at this point. There absolutely should be things by now that are under your control that you need to take because again, I’m not teaching you to be the child every day.
0:46:04 – (Nicole): Now I will say this. We do have days where we go, you know what? That’s. I call those the grace days where we give our thing. Because sometimes you’re going, going on and you just don’t have it in you. So I do that for him. When he needs to take a mental health day, I give it to him or he stays. You do those type of things to create balance. Because again, you can’t be all of one way. You can’t be the same horse of another color. But the not preparing your things for school is because I don’t want a headache in the morning.
0:46:37 – (Nicole): It’s just teaching you preparedness, is teaching you proper planning, time management. It teaches you all of those things, which is what you need.
0:46:44 – (Wendy): Exactly. And we got to be willing to look at it.
0:46:49 – (Nicole): Yeah, I’m not doing that. Get ready. What do you mean?
0:46:52 – (Wendy): I love it. And we got to be able to look at where we’re modeling it and also look at if we’re like exuding that perfectionist thing. Right. I’m just talking to myself right now because I, I had a big project that I procrastinated on and my impact, right, like my intention versus impact, the project, the execution wasn’t as great as I wanted it to be. And I full blown, no, it’s because I procrastinated. Right. And so I’m just sitting in that today knowing that in order to fully teach my child how to like have that life skill of doing things ahead of time, I am knee deep in the learning right now. At 46 years old, I’m like, oh my gosh. But hey, we’re all a work in progress.
0:47:35 – (Nicole): You’re never too old to learn and no one’s ever too young to teach you. I learn from my son every day. My son teaches me something every day. And listen, sometimes it’s hard that procrastinates. Sometimes it’d be that when we’re so used to working in chaos, it feels like comfort to work under that chaos. So you give yourself grace. You give yourself grace. And that’s. And that’s the biggest lesson. Give yourself some parents.
0:48:00 – (Wendy): So good. Well, I, I wish we could go through all of these, but honestly, parents, you get the vibe like what we’re.
0:48:08 – (Nicole): Doing was we were stop losing everything. Yeah, stop losing everything. I’ve paid a lot of money. It’s about caring about what you care about. Do not ask for something and then tell me you don’t want it. Like, I’ve provided what you said you wanted and now you don’t want it. So then I don’t want to hear anything. So don’t come home talking about I’m starving because you didn’t eat the lunch that you told me was okay. When I asked for your input, I said, is this okay? I gave you. And that also teaches them to talk when they’re supposed to talk.
0:48:38 – (Nicole): I gave you ample space to express yourself. You told me you liked it and now all of a sudden the lunch is trash. Well, if you didn’t eat the lunch, I don’t want to care how starving you are when you get home. Because detachment the lunch, right? Yeah.
0:48:50 – (Wendy): You got to detach from it. It’s not your problem. Right. Like instead of clamping and sinking in our teeth to the argument and the, you know, like the back and forth power struggle, like sometimes you just got to detach. My daughter right now is like so like she was never a picky eater. And all of a sudden at almost 16, she’ll ask me for all these things and then like six days into it, sitting in the fridge, I’m like, remember here’s the thing you asked for, you know? And she’s like, oh, I don’t like that anymore. I’m like, we ain’t doing that. This ain’t that channel you.
0:49:22 – (Nicole): When he says I can’t. When he says I can’t eat that. Oh yes you can because you asked for it. I told them that about the sports edition. They changed their stomach energy up with everything. I promise you this ain’t that will always start with stomach energy changes. I promise you it’ll always happen.
0:49:36 – (Wendy): Oh my gosh, Nicole, you make me laugh and giggle and just, I love your just lightheartedness. Right. Like we gotta laugh together. Parenthood is intense. It is, I think each other.
0:49:50 – (Nicole): You don’t have to shame other parents again. It’s like laundry detergent. Okay, you like game? I like tide. The clothes get washed, that’s what is important. The clothes get clean. And so I don’t subscribe to parent shaming. I believe that there’s always something that we can do better and if we have the humility and the open mindedness in order to find those methods. Because at the end of the day, we do owe our children.
0:50:13 – (Nicole): They don’t owe us, we owe them. And I’m going to wholeheartedly stand on that. And if we’ve done our job, then they’ll be able to move out there on their own and be okay with, with little minimal worry for us. Because you’ll never stop worrying about your Children, but also then they’ll want to continue the relationship on and off. You know, when they’re. When they don’t have to, then they want to.
0:50:36 – (Nicole): And that’s the goal. My son is going to be a better me. He’s going to be a better person than I am because I’m going to put it into play. And we’re almost there. I enjoy being a parent. I like him. And when this ride is over, I’m going to be happy. But it will be sad, too. But at one. At one point, you know, he will no longer be in my stewardship. It will be all up on him. So I’m going to do everything I can, but I. I guarantee you mine won’t go anywhere. He.
0:51:05 – (Nicole): Listen, that’s my. That’s my but. And, you know, they say, that’s my buddy. I said, no, no, he’s not my buddy yet, but he will be because there will come a time where I can be that. That person for him, but I can be the best friend to him. I can’t be by doing my job, being his mother, because it was a blessing.
0:51:20 – (Wendy): Oh, Nicole, we adore you. Thank you for your wisdom. You are incredibly gifted. And so I want all y’all listeners to go find Nicole. Will you tell everyone where they can come find you, come give you some love? And then if Kai does want to say hi, he can hop on and say hi to the listeners. But I also want you to tell everybody not there. Yeah, don’t even worry.
0:51:43 – (Nicole): He’s knee deep in the game this point. We don’t. He’s not. He has no need for physical human contact at this point. He’s into the Matrix with the Matrix.
0:51:52 – (Wendy): But tell everyone where they can find you, Nicole, because I want everyone to come give you a follow and give you some love on your incredible stuff that you create.
0:51:59 – (Nicole): You can follow me on tik tok at thick nickjack T H I C N I C J A C K. You can also follow me on Instagram under Thick Nick and you can follow me on Facebook under Nick, Nicole J. That’s where you can find.
0:52:14 – (Wendy): I love it. And we’re gonna put all of those in both the show notes and the itunes, little blurb that you can click on right as you’re listening to this episode. Nicole, thank you for taking time out of your day to talk with us. You have been so much fun to be together with and I hope you have the best day. Please tell Kai that we say hello and I will.
0:52:37 – (Nicole): Thank you so much. I love you. Guys. Thank you so much. You all have a wonderful, blessed and wonderful day. Have a good day on purpose.
