Join Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator & family life coach, as she delves into powerful strategies that parents can adopt to set themselves up to thrive during their childrenโs second decade of life.
Recording from the country backyard of her childhood home in Maryland, Wendy reflects on the monumental shift from her upbringing to the proactive, conscious parenting techniques she practices today w/ her own kids.
With almost 14 and 17-year-old teens, Wendy offers invaluable insights inspired by her journey in the connected parenting and healing space.
Drawing from personal anecdotes and the lessons learned, Wendy speaks passionately about the importance of establishing a powerful parenting system rooted in connection, empathy, and true influence rather than fear-based tactics. Emphasizing key aspects such as regulating your nervous system, fostering unconditional love, and replacing punishment with compassionate discipline, she provides a blueprint for creating a nurturing environment that encourages children to thrive well beyond their early years.
What if you could be an effective, firm & kind parent WITHOUT relying on fear, force, bribery & rewards?
Imagine learning a new way of firm (AND kind) parenting so you can end painful generational parenting cycles and create family legacies & memories YOU are proud of?
All while getting your kids to cooperate with your rules and boundaries with ease.
IMAGINE โฆ
Parenting your kids with calm & confidence each day in a way that causes them to do whatโs asked of them because they WANT to (not because they HAVE to) โฆ because youโre helping to build essential life skills that have them behaving well & being respectful when youโre NOT looking!
The Firm & Kind Parenting Blueprint is your step by step plan & video training to help you build the family of your dreams. Click HERE to learn more now!
Episode Highlights:
- Create Safety in Your Home: Regulating your own nervous system to establish a safe and supportive environment.
- Influence with True Power: Using relationship-based methods and empowerment prompting strategies instead of fear and force.
- Provide Unconditional Love: Ensuring children know they are loved unconditionally and that mistakes are simply opportunities to learn.
- Replace Punishment with Compassionate Discipline: Focusing on teaching and mentoring rather than punishing.
- Build Emotional Literacy: Helping children understand and navigate their emotions effectively.
Resources Mentioned:
- Follow Wendy on Instagram
- Donโt miss the Unfrazzled 4 day FREE event – save your spot here!
Not able to listen or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!
0:00:01 – (Wendy): Well, hello, listeners, and welcome back to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family show. I’m your host, Wendy Snyder, powerful parenting educator and family life coach. And I am so happy that you are here today. We are going to chat about five things you must do to thrive in the second decade of life with your children. And so today’s going to be a conversation about proactivity. So a lot of you are in the first decade of life with your kids.
0:00:29 – (Wendy): I am now in the second decade of life with my kids, now that I have an almost 14 and an almost 17 year old. So I sit in a position that I think is just so beautiful to reflect on what I think I was privileged or blessed enough to provide for my children thanks to this work and the healing world that I got invited to into when my little girl was a toddler. But comparing that to what I had growing up and how different it is.
0:01:04 – (Wendy): And so it’s really, I think, extra special today to come to you recording from the backyard of my childhood home, which is pretty wild. So I am visiting my folks in the country of Maryland this week. So I reside in sunny southern California, San Diego, California, and have been there for almost 30 years, but I still come home to visit my parents who live in the same exact house that I grew up in. And so it’s always just the most interesting, beautiful, reflective time when I come home because it’s just an opportunity to process a lot of emotions that just still come up from being a kid and being raised here right. And having the relationship that I did with my parents and my brother. And, you know, I think the teenage years just so pivotal to figuring out who you are. And really a lot of belief systems, I think, gets solidified during that season of life. And so I know for so many of you who are in the first season of life with your kids, I just thought it would be really great to record on this subject today, to just help you understand how important the work that you’re doing now is and how much beautiful, like, how much beauty it’s going to bring you for the rest of your entire life when you really invest in your family legacy now.
0:02:36 – (Wendy): And so I will tell you that it is never too late. So if you’re listening right now and you have teenagers and maybe you’re just finding me or you’re just dipping your toes into the world of conscious parenting or what we call powerful parenting here at fresh start family or gentle parenting, whatever you want to call it, I think everyone has kind of their unique angle in the way they do things. And again, here at fresh, start family. We really believe in the term powerful parenting because we harness the power of relationship to give you true power as a parent, to set firm, kind boundaries, and to do it from a place of connection versus overpowering or from fear and force. So that to us, is true power.
0:03:17 – (Wendy): But you, you know, it’s just never, ever too late. And so, so many people end up just not doing the work because they think that, oh, this is going to be too hard now that my kids are 1213, 1415 years old. But I just want you guys to know, I know so many people, including one of my biggest mentors, really my biggest mentor for the first seven years of my life when I found powerful parenting. Her name is Susie Walton.
0:03:48 – (Wendy): She actually discovered the work of connection conscious, powerful parenting when four of her boys were all teenagers. So she was a single mom, all teenage boys and just drowning. They used to call her Brubaker because they’re. Susie Walton is a big. The Waltons are a big basketball family. You may be familiar with her ex husband, Bill Walton, who actually just passed away, but they used to call her brubaker because I guess that was a coach that was just well known for yelling, and she would just, you know, all she knew was to yell at these boys. And by the time they were teenagers, they were all like, you know, six four or something. They were like super tall family, and they would just, like, end up tackling her until she giggled or something like that. That’s like Susie’s story that always made me smile and just know that it’s just never too late, right? So Susie learned to do things different and harness true power to influence her sons to cooperate and, you know, to basically create a new family legacy, which she did so beautifully, but she did that when her boys were teenagers. So just remember that. That’s my biggest mentor, one of my biggest mentors, which you heard a little bit about last week, if you haven’t listened to last week’s episode yet. I talked about the five secrets to the happiest, healthiest parents I know, and Susie Walton is one of them.
0:05:14 – (Wendy): I still love her so much. She’s one of my dear friends. We ocean swim quite often, and I just. I love her so, so much. So make sure you go back and listen to that episode if you haven’t yet. But coming back to that, just that topic, it’s never too late. And I will tell you that for those of you who have the little kids, just do the work now. You got to trust me do the work now. And so much of powerful parenting work is really, honestly entrenching yourself in the work and finding joy in the journey instead of being focused on the destination.
0:05:50 – (Wendy): And so, of course, the destination is having kids that cooperate great. And I think also having the strong relationship with your kids, right? So when they do grow up, they want to come home, they want to call you. When they have a challenge in their life, you are the first person that they think of, and you maintain that relationship till the day you die. Right. Like, I think that is the end goal, so to speak. But that is a lifelong journey type of thing.
0:06:22 – (Wendy): And I’m always telling the students that are inside of our private program, the fresh start experience or my higher level program called become a parenting coach. One of the best things you can do in life is find joy in the journey. And I actually learned this from my mentor, Suzy, who I was just speaking about. And I just remember being so annoyed when she used to say that to me back in the day, and I was like, what are you talking about? I just want my strong willed kid to put on her freaking shoes without freaking out or throwing a fit, or I just want her to keep her hands to herself and not shake her baby brother or push him down when she’s frustrated and wants the joy. Like, can you just give me the magic pill? You know? And she would just hug me and say, trust me, you just got to find joy in the journey.
0:07:06 – (Wendy): Even the hard days have beauty and all the things. And now, 14 years later, after I found Susie and started learning with her, I now really know what she means, because this work is work that sets you up to really find joy in the tough days, too. Or I should say, meaning, meaning over joy is probably what I would say joy, too, but deep meaning and purpose. And so this couldn’t have been more clear than when I was talking to my daughter last night. So my daughter will hop on a plane today and fly out to Maryland, see her grandparents, and we’re actually going to a big rollercoaster park, Hershey park, that she’s been asking to go to for years. And so we’re finally doing it this year. We’re making a six hour drive, and we’re going to this big roller coaster park.
0:07:58 – (Wendy): But as I was talking to her last night and hearing her tell me about her really exciting weekend, she’s been, like, really just knee deep in the college beach volleyball recruitment process. So my little beautiful, strong willed girl who has the will of an ox, always has, since the day she was born literally since the day she has come into the world through an emergency c section that thank God she survived. I survived. I just know God had such a strong purpose for this little girl’s life. And one of them was to help change and save the lives of so many people across the world.
0:08:41 – (Wendy): Because she represents what a strong willed child, when mentored and raised with unconditional love and support, can do when they are healthy and they are thriving and they learn to see their God given gift to lead from like a really empowered place of gratitude. But as I was talking to her, she was telling me about her weekend and she went from University of Hawaii with daddy. Then she got dropped off in LA to play two tournaments back to back with college coaches watching her.
0:09:17 – (Wendy): And we were just chatting about how a parent. It’s coming. And I just as I was walking on what’s called country farm Lane here in Maryland again, right where I grew up, just the most beautiful deciduous trees, like no cars, long road, just gorgeous. I’m just listening to her and she’s talking and talking and talking about how it’s become so apparent how she can see the difference in a lot of the players and even partners she has in the way they show up on the volleyball court, especially when they’re down, especially when they’re losing or they’re about to lose. And she’s at a place now where they’re starting not to lose much, but it’s getting such high pressure that she has partners that will even start to spiral downwards if they haven’t won by the amount that they want to won. So she won a match this weekend that was 21 eight and had a partner that was like really kind of spiraling down or upset or just high, high pressure.
0:10:24 – (Wendy): And the parent was too, that they should have won by more. And so she was just reflecting on how interesting it is to watch how many people she knows that seem to be really struggling with the perfectionism and they seem to not be finding the same joy in the journey as she’s been able to find as far as. And it’s exactly what these college coaches are telling because I sit at these clinics and I’m watching them and I’m listening to them and what they say to these kids and what they’re saying is, look, you’ve got to be willing to fail and experiment to get better.
0:10:59 – (Wendy): You’ve got to be willing to get weird and funky and like move your hand placement and do a serve and fail like 20 times in a new way. And for you to unlock this new serve that is gonna, like, change the whole game for you. Right. Which is exactly what she was able to do in Hawaii. So just hearing about that and hearing about how basically, she’s just watching and realizing that when she gets down, when a game starts to go down, that’s when she feels like she can really maintain this steady, like, consistent drive to win without this detrimental pressure that becomes unhealthy.
0:11:46 – (Wendy): And so, anyways, we were talking about how I was. I was saying, yes, you’re so onto some things, Della, because what’s happening is if you see people struggling with perfectionism, where they get really upset and angry and they can’t even speak after a game was lost, or. Or you feel the energy on the court, and it starts to get so down that you are. It affects the match. Right. So, in beach volleyball, you just have two people playing.
0:12:09 – (Wendy): And we were talking about how that energetic exchange is so important. And if you have someone starting to spiral down because they’re either, like, scared they’re not going to win or they believe some type of pressure towards their partner is going to work to affect them, there’s a whole bunch of reasons why it happens, but that can really lead to not great stuff, including losing, just not what you want. Right?
0:12:34 – (Wendy): And so I started to riff on how perfectionism and shame is often very correlated. And it was so cool to hear Stella just kind of take the mic and roll with it. And she knew, because this is something we’ve talked about so many times, and she just knew exactly what I was talking about. And she’s like, yeah, here’s how it shows up. Here’s where the shame is. I can see the low self confidence. And long story short, we were just reflecting. Not from a place of, like, wow. Everybody else is really, like, sucking more from a place of just, wow. Let’s reflect on the difference and how inspired you should be of yourself that you’ve put in the work to get to this healthy place where you feel like you’re progressing at the rate that you want, but it’s not coming at this detrimental.
0:13:26 – (Wendy): Like, it’s not coming. Like, it’s not affecting your mental health. It’s actually building up your mental health. It’s making you stronger. It’s. You’re learning something every single step of the way, even in the matches you lose. But let’s look at it from a place of just comparison. Not in an unhealthy way, but just reflecting on the difference, because comparison can be really crappy, and it also can be just a way for you to see, see how different you are operating in the world.
0:13:55 – (Wendy): And again, just be really inspired by yourself. And that’s what I want you to do from a powerful parenting perspective. I want you to see the difference. And you will, when you start practicing this work and again, really entrench yourself in this work, you will start to see the difference in your friends and your family, right? Your sisters, your brothers, your sister in laws, like even grandparents, right? Like you’ll start to see it in your friends from college or your neighbors and the struggles that they start to have in their parenthood walk when they don’t step in to learning.
0:14:36 – (Wendy): A lot of them, you will see, start to really experience a lot of stress and especially when it comes to this second decade of life. So it’s going to come of no surprise, right, the classic, um, thought pattern that the teenage years suck, right? Like how many of you heard that? Or how many of you thought that? Or I should say how many of you still think that if you have little kids and you kind of fear the teenagers and you think this is like really going to be crappy, or how many of you have parents who say, you know, when you have a strong willed kid yourself, they know your strong willed kid might be melting down or, um, and they’ll say to you, oh, see, you’re getting, you’re getting a taste of your own medicine or you’re getting exactly what, what you should expect, right? Because you put me through hell and now here you are with a kid that’s going to put you through hell.
0:15:31 – (Wendy): And it’s just, it’s heartbreaking because it’s just not the way I see things, right? Like, I really see these strong willed kids as this calling upward for all of us. Like when you are blessed with a strong willed kid, in my experience, that’s what leads to most people actually getting the support that they need, which in my opinion, every single parent on the planet should be blessed with powerful parenting education. Like, I don’t know why.
0:16:00 – (Wendy): We have basically a system, let’s call it set up in the world where this is the only education that, like, I shouldn’t say that there’s a lot of places in the world that aren’t given and blessed with education, right? But most first world nations have an educational system set up where you get free education. But, but for some reason, parenting is not in there. Like, why in the world would the one thing that most human beings are going to do, which is procreate and like, create little humans that look and act just like them.
0:16:38 – (Wendy): Why would we have this system set up where we don’t educate humans on how to influence other little humans or other humans in general? Not just little humans, but other humans in general? But it all starts when they’re little. Why would we not have a system or an education system set up where we learn how to influence people without all the negative stuff, the fear, the force, the external controls, the intimidation, like, all that kind of stuff? Right? So, in my opinion, everyone should get access to powerful parenting education and get a solid few years where you’re supported in this capacity. And we know that we don’t have that. Right.
0:17:23 – (Wendy): And so most, you know, I think most parents who come into our work, there is a pain point that happens where they’re like, okay, I’m finally going to get the support that I need, and I’m going to stop living in this kind of stable misery land where I don’t have the answers. I feel incapable. I feel like a failure so many days, especially if my kid has these big emotions or, you know, there’s been misbehavior again. And no matter how much I punish them, it keeps coming back. But there’s a pain level that’s associated that I think strong willed kids bring on really easily, that finally has parents say, okay, I’m going to do the work, and I’m going to make this a priority in my life so I can stop the bleed, so to speak. And that’s what happened to me, right? That’s when Stella came into my world and she turned three.
0:18:16 – (Wendy): I was just like, okay, I’m done trying to figure this out for myself. I’m done trying to hide the fact that I’m really struggling. My mental health is suffering. I have so much anxiety, and I have so much anger all of a sudden, and I’m so frustrated and irritated and just, this is not thriving. This is not what parenthood was supposed to be. So strong willed kids, I believe, are healers really in their own right, because they invite us into growth and, I think evolving if we allow them to.
0:18:58 – (Wendy): So. So, yeah, so back to just remembering that doing the work is such a beautiful thing when you see it as a joyful journey. And I think there’s also just so much, I think, to look forward to when you know, and when you hear from someone like me that the second decade of life is so spectacular, when you create a powerful parenting system in your home, when you have the relationships with your kids, when you learn how to harness true power.
0:19:33 – (Wendy): And so we’re going to go through the five things here in a second. But I just want you to know that it’s so good, it just gets better. Better, right. Like, when your kids are little and. And, like, you know, you’re changing diapers and they won’t stay in their bed and they won’t eat their vegetables to save. Like, you just are, like, can you just at least sit still at the dinner table? Can you just keep your hands to yourself?
0:19:59 – (Wendy): And I just don’t want to get another phone call that you’ve been talking in class or pushing or hitting or kicking or, you know, like, it just. To me, the first decade was so intensive. There was so much work that needed to be done. And every minute it just felt like there was a new challenge that you were coaching your kid through or talking to your mentor to figure out how to coach your kid through this new season of misbehavior. Right. Or whatever it may be. So really, our deepest amount of work was when I found the work. So between the ages of Winstello was three, and I’ll say, like, eight.
0:20:43 – (Wendy): Let’s just say eight. But really, 1010 is when I was like, oh, okay, we’re. Now it’s. I’m really feeling like we got this. We got this. And we had started to experience this feeling of, like, fluency, right? So that’s seven years that we really put in. And it’s not. And that’s not to say that we never had challenges after she was ten again. She’s almost 17 now. We’ve had plenty of challenges to work through with her and her brother, but we just felt equipped.
0:21:14 – (Wendy): We felt like we can do this, right? Like, there wasn’t that chaotic spike or panic that happens when you’re either not immersed in the work or just not fluent in it yet. And so. So, yeah, just so. Just know that the second decade is just so good. Like, I. There’s so many days that I wake up now and. Or go throughout my day or afternoon carpool happens to all the sports that I take my kids to. And we’re sitting at dinner and I just feel this overwhelming sense of, like, wow, I can’t.
0:21:50 – (Wendy): I can’t believe this is my life. I can’t believe it’s this good with my kids because I didn’t have that growing up. And trust me, my parents are such fantastic, incredible humans. And I know so many of you really struggle with this because you’re like, I want to honestly look at my childhood and feel confident stepping into really doing things differently. But you have this level of like, guilt that if you talk about how you didn’t have the things in your childhood that you wanted, that you needed, that you’re coming down on your parents, and that is negative and mean and hurtful and all the things. And I I just don’t feel that it is. I feel like it’s the biggest blessing that you can give to your family lineage when you look at the things that were missing from your childhood and decide to give it to your children.
0:22:44 – (Wendy): I believe that you not only heal yourself, but you heal past generations and you heal future generations, because I think all parents want to know that their kids are smart enough and wise enough to not repeat the same mistakes that they made, right? And we just live in a world where there’s so much beautiful education and research and science now to help us understand how the brain works and how human development goes down and what causes relationships to be healthy and, like, there’s just so much that we have now that our parents didn’t have. And so when I look back at my. My teenage years, there was big things missing for me. And if you are in our program, so if you’re in the frustrated experience, you know that we teach so much around human needs and how that drives behavior or misbehavior.
0:23:45 – (Wendy): And so the need to feel powerful and the need to belong, and they need to feel valuable and they need to feel unconditionally loved, those are at the top of the list when it comes to needs that drive behavior. And so when I look at my teenage years, I’m like, dang, I was really low in the category of belonging and the category of power. And so it led to just major disconnection where I didn’t feel like I belonged, and I just always felt like I was.
0:24:18 – (Wendy): I use the term rainbow unicorn now. Rainbow unicorn now because I’m not sure what I think about the term black sheep. I used black sheep for many, many years, and I’m just still kind of learning if I want to keep using that term. But I felt like a rainbow unicorn. And just the fact that I was so different, I saw the world differently. A lot of things that I was starting to explore and get into. I didn’t feel like my parents really understood or tried to understand when there was conflict in our home, there was not a lot of empathy or there was no peaceful conflict resolution. Right? Like, I grew up in a home where there was, like, drop down, drag out fights. I had an older brother who was five years older who I didn’t really have a relationship with back then still unfortunately don’t to this day.
0:25:11 – (Wendy): Not because there was, like, some big blow up, but just because it was just never there. It was just never. He was this, like, extremely strong willed child that I don’t think anybody knew what to do with. Right. Because, again, it was the seventies, it was the eighties, and so the traditional stuff just was done on him. Right? Like, you just scare a kid into submission. You just spank them or try to spank them or punish them until they submit.
0:25:39 – (Wendy): By the time he was in high school, he was basically the school bully. He was, you know, like, yes, star football, star football player. But behind the scenes, he was a really scary dude. Pretty sure he was on steroids by the time he was a junior in high school. So he was on drugs and was running with, like, essentially what good? I don’t know. I mean, I would call it like, a country gang now that I look back on it.
0:26:06 – (Wendy): But, like, had the hugest dudes that were, like, his minions that would just beat someone up at the drop of a hat if you looked at them wrong. I actually, like, wasn’t even allowed to, like, look at boys. If boys looked at me, they would literally be punched and knocked out. Like, one of our dear friends to this day was knocked out by one of my brother’s friends because he. There was, like, a rumor that he might like me. Like, it was straight. It was, like, legit fear based gang mentality.
0:26:38 – (Wendy): And my brother went on to, like, drop out of high school, like, basically take the money that my parents had saved for his graduation and moved to, like, California trade in, like, this nice ass car that they had bought for him. They bought him, like, a Ford Mustang. And he traded it in from some, like, old, huge jeep. Like, it was just. The stories are endless about the misbehavior that kept happening in my brother’s life.
0:27:09 – (Wendy): And, you know, again, I think. I think he’s one of the biggest reasons I became an educator in addition to the experience I had with my own beautiful little strong willed girl. But I watched how ineffective the classic strategies of external controls and intimidation and fear and force, how ineffective they are when you have a massive, strong willed child, and especially once that strong willed child becomes bigger than you, which is the biggest frickin problem with the fear enforced external controls control model, which is why the teenage years blow up in so many people’s face, right? So many people make the mistake of using these external controls as the model the first decade, because you can get away with it. You can scare a five year old into submission to keep his hands to himself. If you, if he’s scared, which is like, we’re going to talk about the nervous system spike here in a minute.
0:28:07 – (Wendy): But if a five year old is terrified of getting his iPad taken away that he is now addicted to because we’ve put it in his hands and given him access to these interactive games that he’s now fully addicted to, at the age of five, his amygdala will spike. He becomes terrified. And so it’ll for sometimes, let’s just call it sometimes, because I know from what I teach and what I’ve seen, it’s ineffective in the long run.
0:28:33 – (Wendy): The misbehavior keeps returning, but he will submit, right? Like, he will finally get dressed for school or he will finally keep his hands to himself. But then it’s not long term sustainable power. And so you end up a lot of times having these kids by the time they’re 12, 13, 14 years old. Well, really, I should say like teen, teen years. So 14, 1516 years old, that’s when they get really good at hiding their misbehavior, sneaking behind your back, getting into the risky drugs, alcohol, sex, treating people really poorly, right? Like they do that kind of behind the parents back and then. But a lot of parents end up finding out and by that time the kid is like, I don’t care. I don’t care how much you punish me or what you say to me. And I’m watching this play out in real time life with my daughter’s friends.
0:29:30 – (Wendy): Like, at some point, teenagers, the strong willed ones, I should say, because the more easygoing ones, they will, they often will submit. And they, a lot of them become more like, they get into the unhealthy patterns of people pleasing with shame and bitterness towards their parents. But the strong willed ones, a lot of times they just, they cannot freaking sleep in knowing that they’re, like, submitting to someone that they truly don’t respect. So they end up rising, like in the most unhealthy way.
0:30:05 – (Wendy): So it makes sense why so many people think that the teenage years are going to suck. It’s because the majority of the world uses the traditional external controls model. And I’m here to tell you today that you just get to choose a different way and you got to do the work now, right? Like, in order to experience the thriving, joyful state that I’m talking about, talking about that I now see in my children when it comes to high levels of self regulation and honesty in our home and taking responsibility for their mistakes without shame, or being able to have true power in their friendship circles or sports circles, or being able to learn from their mistakes in a really healthy way.
0:30:57 – (Wendy): Like, to be able to influence their friends to do what they want without moving to, you know, bossiness or peer pressure. Like, all of these are things I think of when I look at is a kid healthy in their second decade of life, or are they unhealthy? Do they have high self esteem? Or do they struggle with low self confidence? Are they engaging in self harm? Are they engaging in risky behavior? And then not be, like, not able to be coached out of that, and their behavior stays the same or even gets worse.
0:31:31 – (Wendy): And so I just want you to know that there are these things that when you invest in the first decade, even though you’re exhausted and you’re just like, at times it’s going to feel like it’s not working. Air quotes. Because you’re just like, shouldn’t the kid know by now how to keep their hands to themselves or not talk in class or actually stay in their bed? Like, there are going to be so many moments where your brain is going to serve up this, like, fear based, uh oh. It’s not working.
0:32:04 – (Wendy): And you just got to trust me, it’s working when you stay immersed in this work. So without further ado, that’s my tee up for you. But let’s get into these five things that you must do in order to thrive the second decade of your life with your children. So I was thinking about it as I sat down to record and sitting in, again, my childhood backyard, looking at my parents, like, as they’re aging, looking at my age, looking at the age of my kids, and I was thinking about how many of us are going to have seven decades with our children. Seven decades.
0:32:43 – (Wendy): And I now am in the second decade, right? That’s what we’re talking about today. And many of you are in the first decade. And so when you look at it that way, you have seven decades. And that’s, let’s say, if we live to be 100. So I had my first kid at 30, my second kid at 33. Some of you have kids earlier, and you’re going to have more decades, so hooray for that. But seven decades. And so every decade is so crucial.
0:33:10 – (Wendy): And again, the first decade, when you really invest in yourself and your family and your own growth and your own healing, it then makes all those other decades so much easier. So the first thing you must do in order to thrive in the second decade, in all decades with your kids, is create safety in your home, which starts by learning to regulate your nervous system. And so for many of us, and we’re going to cover this in extensivity in the unfrazzled free four day event that is starting on June 24. I’ve not been more excited for a free event that I’m hosting in a long, long time. And I’ve been doing this for six years now as the owner of Fresh Start family. And let me tell you, Unfrazzled is going to be amazing, you guys. I can’t wait for all of you to join me for that fresh start familyonline.com/unfrazzled.
0:34:03 – (Wendy): If you want to join us again, we start on June 24. So we’re going to be covering a lot of this there. But for many of us, what we need to know is that our nervous systems were conditioned inside the homes we grew up in for the first 18 years in a really significant way. And so what happens for all of us is a lot of times, we end up becoming the thermometer, so to speak, where our parents are holding the thermostat in the home.
0:34:36 – (Wendy): And so when it comes to the feeling that was inside your home, and especially when it came to mistakes or challenges or misbehavior, what was the feeling in your home? Was it one of safety? And, like, humans make mistakes, mistakes or opportunities to learn, was it one of safety? Where you knew that no matter what happened, that your parents had your back, that they would assume integrity in you, that they would believe you when you talk to them, when you would, that they would really seek to understand, like, what happened when you got in trouble at school?
0:35:17 – (Wendy): Or why were you so angry when you hit your brother? Like, were they seeking to understand? Were they. Were they firm yet, like, supportive from a teaching perspective, when you made a mistake? So all these things, like, that’s kind of. Was your environment safe or was it unsafe? Meaning, when you made a mistake, was there danger? Was there a parent that was going to flip their lid? Was there a parent that was going to hurt you one way or another? Whether it was through emotional manipulation or emotional judgment, condemnation, shame. What’s wrong with you? What were you thinking?
0:35:59 – (Wendy): Why do you have to be so difficult? Or was it physical pain? Right? Like, maybe you grew up in a home, like I did, where it was like, if you made a mistake, there was now physical danger, and you literally needed to run. One of my biggest memories of my childhood home is running around the fireplace and my dad chasing me with the paddle. And again, I, like so many, I know so many of you say this, you’ll say to me, oh, I didn’t get spanked much.
0:36:29 – (Wendy): Like, and I’m telling you, I don’t care how much you got spanked. It left a freaking imprint on your nervous system. And many of us had a knee jerk reaction because our bodies are smart to run. And so you make a mistake, and it equaled danger, like unsafety. Uh oh. You’re gonna get hurt. You’re gonna get humiliated. You’re gonna get harmed. And even for the people who didn’t have corporal punishment as a part of their parenting system growing up, there was often such a danger of disappointment or shame, right? Like, because, again, this was the model that was taught. So it was like, if you’re, like, there were so many parenting programs back in the day that was like, you want to raise a child to want to please you as a parent.
0:37:18 – (Wendy): And so one of the tactics, which is essentially an emotional manipulation, is to make sure they feel bad when they don’t please you and so enter in disappointment. And so, you know, you’d make a mistake because you’re human, and humans learn through making mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities to learn. This is what we teach parents entrenched in our programs now. It just leads to a whole different way of moving through the world and learning from your mistakes.
0:37:48 – (Wendy): But so many parents were taught that make sure that child really knows how disappointed you are in them. So you would not get an a or not get straight A’s, right? And your parent would say, like, I just think you can do better. I’m just really disappointed. Or, like, I have a beautiful employee that, you know, in her home. She’s, like, the best family ever, ever, ever. Growing up, like, the most amazing family. But again, like, we just didn’t know back then the harm of this stuff. And.
0:38:19 – (Wendy): And the big tone that was given to her was like, our family is better than that. Like, if there was any type of mistake or thought, even thought of a mistake, it was like, our family is better than that. We represent in this community because of the position that her family had. Like, we represent something better. And so the message was like, what’s wrong with you? Like, you know, if you act like that, something’s wrong with you and you’re embarrassing us, and we need you to be better, right? And so the tone of disappointment is also one that triggers the nervous system to feel like, uh oh, there’s danger here.
0:39:03 – (Wendy): So, anyways, a lot of times, what happens is, well, not a lot of times, always, always this happens. We become accustomed to the thermostat in our home. So if it’s always set at unsafety, then we just absorb that into our way of life. So then we end up having children, and we then by the time our kids are toddlers or adolescents or especially teenagers, if we don’t change that and if we don’t settle and heal our nervous system, we then end up operating in the same way that our parents operated, the way their nervous system was conditioned and the way they led.
0:39:41 – (Wendy): And so that’s what equals, like, the thermometer versus we want to end up being the thermostat in our homes. And so as we get older and we realize that we can now become the thermostat that we never had as children and become the parent who responds versus reacts to challenges, disagreements, and misbehavior, it’s just really, I think, filled with hope, and it’s just so effective. Like, when you bring safety into your home, your children draw closer to you, they take your guidance so much easier, and they learn from their mistakes, and they are able to thrive as a human being.
0:40:27 – (Wendy): And the cooperation is just so much better. Okay, number two is learn how to influence with true power. If you really want to thrive in the second decade of life with your kids, you’ve got to trade in the fear, force, bribery and rewards, which are what we call extra external controls or levers for relationship based methods and empowerment prompting strategies. Because what you need to know is that rules plus relationship equals respect.
0:40:54 – (Wendy): Rules minus relationship equals rebellion. And so this is why you see so many teenagers struggling, even if they’re high level athletes with straight a’s on the front end. So many of them are hiding things behind their parents box, experimenting with really risky behaviors. And then when they’re caught, the parent is not empowered and doesn’t know how to influence them to change because they just. They’re just doing all that they know, which is usually punishment and fear based tactics or emotional manipulation tactics. I’m just so disappointed in you. Or now you’re going to get your e bike taken away, right? Like the classic punishments. Because, you know, most people can’t hold the power over their children once they’re teenagers and threaten to hit them anymore.
0:41:47 – (Wendy): Like, the spanking definitely becomes ineffective or undoable, I should say, by the time they’re teenagers. So a lot of parents, they’re still, like. Because they never learned how to have the true influence which comes through relationship. They just kind of. They end up feeling very powerless and, like, they’re failing as. As a parent in the teenage years, which then leads to the consistent rhetoric of good luck, the teenagers suck, when really they don’t.
0:42:20 – (Wendy): So when it comes to true power, creating true power in your home in the first decade, you have to remember that empowerment, prompting, is about filling your child with power and teaching them that they are capable of getting their needs met in healthy ways from the time they’re really young and, and that we have. And the thing, when you, when you do this work in the first decade of their life, you, again, you learn about needs and how we’re all trying as human beings to get our needs met.
0:42:53 – (Wendy): And so it’s at the basis of our human condition to be living creatures that are getting their needs met, right? So the need to feel powerful is a human healthy need. And the earlier you teach your kids, there’s nothing wrong with you when you misbehave or when you get your need met in an unhealthy way, which is what happens during power struggles, when you’re like, put on your shoes and they’re like, no, they’re essentially getting their need to feel powerful met, but they’re doing it in an unhealthy way. Or, you know, like, we have a school bully happening in my kids, in my child’s middle school right now. And it’s like, that kid is definitely getting his need to feel powerful met.
0:43:34 – (Wendy): It’s just in an unhealthy way. And his parents are doing jack shit about it. They are like, I’ve known this family since the third grade. They. I’ve reached out to them. They have no interest. They have, like, it’s wild to watch the destruction that this 7th grade, now 8th grade boy is doing in our middle school system, and not even our middle school, like a middle school that’s down the road too, the destruction that is happening because this kid’s family will not do the freaking work to understand how to help this child feel powerful in a healthy way. It infuriates me because it’s affecting so many children, including one of my best friend’s kids, who has been bullied by this kid.
0:44:20 – (Wendy): So again, when you learn how to teach your kids how to feel powerful in a healthy way, like, ideally, in the first decade of their life, you just benefit for the decades to follow. And so you have to understand, too, that in, well, I should say, in my opinion, this is how wars are started. Wars are started again right now at the time of recording, we have two wars going on in the world. We have the Middle east, we have Ukraine still.
0:44:53 – (Wendy): And in my opinion, wars are started by men who are getting the need to feel powerful met in an unhealthy way. They’re also started by men who were never taught how to feel hurt and not hurt back, which is another huge part of our work. But instead, these men, like, they start worse. And so they. They have learned you just overpower and you scare or kill your way into submission of the opposite side.
0:45:24 – (Wendy): So it just, like, I just want you to understand, it’s no surprise that we have wars. It’s just like, not enough people are willing to teach their children. There are other ways to feel incredibly powerful in your life. And that was another part of the beautiful conversation that I was having with Stella last night. I was like, man, I just love this journey that you’re on. Sweet girl. And we don’t know where she’s gonna get placed. Right? She has her top three that she wants to go. She wants to go to Cal Poly. They’re number three in the nation now. She wants to go to the University of Hawaii.
0:45:54 – (Wendy): They’re number ten. And she’s got another school in Florida that is a little lower. But still, all of them are a bit of a long shot. Like, she’s gonna have to work so hard to get there. But the joy in the journey is that I was like, you’re learning so much along the way, and you are being given this opportunity to lead in all these ways. And one of them is with your attitude, one of them is the way that you show up on the court and the way, like, you bring an energy that a partner can’t help but absorb.
0:46:25 – (Wendy): When you see the good, when you see what you guys took away from the match, even if you did lose it, when you stay high, when other people go low, like, it’s just this beautiful opportunity to lead in a way, like a captain. They don’t have captains of teams in beach volleyball, but the way a really honorable captain would, captain of a sports team. But what an opportunity that you’re getting to lead other humans who probably don’t have this type of work in their life, they’re 15 1617 year old girls who you are their first experience with what it looks like to, like, be like, ask for what you want in a really humble way, or stay really positive when it can become really easily easy to blame somebody else for the flaws or the mistakes, right?
0:47:17 – (Wendy): So it’s like learning how to do that and then be given the opportunity to lead is just another way to feel powerful. But if more and more humans were taught how to do this, to create positive change with firm kind, essentially action, or, you know, authority. Firm kind authority. I like to use the word authority because I believe that humans were not meant to control other humans, but we were meant to control our environment, and we were meant to control ourselves. And so there is an authority that you have over yourself and your environment that you don’t have to. To cave or become a therm, a thermometer in a thermostat environment.
0:48:02 – (Wendy): And so that was so fun to talk to Stella about. That, too, in the beach volleyball world is like, how do you show up in a way where you are the thermostat? It’s just. I could go on and on about that. But, you know, I think of Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu as examples of people who did get this message of the. How to feel powerful in a healthy way. And after being imprisoned, Nelson Mandela for 30 freaking years in South Africa, like, wrongly imprisoned in South Africa, 30 years, he came out. He could have been bitter. He could have been unforgiving.
0:48:42 – (Wendy): Instead, he came out and used one of the most incredible displays of true power I’ve ever known of in my life to, together with Desmond Tutu, move towards reconciliation with south african leaders that had destroyed the lives of so many black South Africans for the last hundred years. Instead of, like, the retribution model that so many countries moved to, he moved to a model of reconciliation, and together with Desmond Tutu, sat with these leaders and created an energetic environment where people who led the apartheid movement ended up saying, basically, we are sorry and we want to do it different in the future.
0:49:32 – (Wendy): And they came together, obviously, you probably know the story. He became the president of South Africa and changed the entire future trajectory of that country, right? Like, that is true power. So, okay, number three, the next thing you need to do in order to thrive in the second decade of life with your kids is provide unconditional love. So giving the message of, there’s nothing wrong with you and there is nothing you could do to make me love you less.
0:49:59 – (Wendy): And it also, like, this happens when you bring in a compassionate discipline model. I will say, but. And when you learn to assume the integrity in your kids and when you assume, when you also learn how to see yourself in their misbehavior and their moments and mistakes without shame. So verbiage. Like, it makes sense why you lied or hit or spit or it makes sense why you freaked out or why you had that tantrum or why you talked in class, right? Like, it makes sense. You don’t. You don’t want to leave the park, I get it, right? You’re having fun. I mean, this is, like, basic empathy work, but just providing that sense of, like, you make sense to me, and there’s nothing you could do to make me love you less because separation for children is so detrimental to their soul. And a lot of times, it’s what parents rely on when they don’t have other tools. Right. So it shows up a lot of times in, like, the forced timeouts. Like, that’s an easy way to see it, but it also comes in, like, emotional separation.
0:51:09 – (Wendy): Right? Like, if you’re good, you get hugs and love. If you’re bad, you get time out and punishment and just the tone of, I’m really upset and disappointed in you. And so this sets up the conditions of unconditional love in your home, which, again, is very detrimental because humans are just gonna make mistakes. Like, none of us are ever gonna get out of parenthood with kids that don’t make mistakes mistakes.
0:51:36 – (Wendy): So it just serves us so well to set it up as, yes, you made a mistake, and we’re gonna learn from it. You’re not crazy. You’re not an alien. And let me help you understand what’s going on inside of your body and your mind that led you to smack your sister, right? Okay, next up is number four. What you need to do in order to thrive in the second decade of life with your kids is replace punishment with compassion, passionate discipline, because punishment, you guys.
0:52:10 – (Wendy): Punishment. You know, when people ask me, what’s your favorite thing to teach on? I’m like, well, I love helping parents of strong willed kids learn how to, like, lead with integrity without losing their mind. But let me tell you, I love teaching about punishment because. Or compassionate discipline versus punishment because I really believe that it can change the world. And when you set up a parenting system in your home, a powerful parenting system where you know how effective you can be as a teacher and a mentor instead of a correctional officer.
0:52:43 – (Wendy): Oh, my gosh. Your children trust you. They know they’re going to be held accountable, but they trust you. And so when you come in to say, all right, like, you made a mistake, and now we’re gonna stay back from the playdate or the party, or we’re gonna go to bed early tonight because we’re gonna learn, or you need more rest, or I’m gonna teach you this missing life skill that you clearly are missing because you did x, y, and z.
0:53:14 – (Wendy): Their soul is settled enough. Like, they have that settled nervous system that we talked about in point number one to actually be able to hear your teaching, and that draws you closer with your children that then in their second decade of life, they actually call you when they make a mistake. Right?
0:53:53 – (Wendy): I saw a beautiful meme once that said, I want my kids when they’re teenagers, when they make a mistake, to say, oh, shit, I need to call my mom instead of, oh, shit, my mom’s going to kill me or something like that. And it just so represents what actually happens when you set yourself up for success and do the work in the first decade to create the powerful, positive parenting system, because they really do know that they can trust you to admit, I made a mistake.
0:54:42 – (Wendy): And I’m going to actually look to you for guidance because I know you’re not going to hurt me. You’re going to actually. You’re going to support me. And yes, you’re going to hold me accountable, because remember, powerful parenting is not permissive parenting. We hold our children accountable, but we teach them at the same time. Okay, the last point I have for you today that you must do in order to thrive in the second decade of life with your kids is build emotional literacy.
0:55:08 – (Wendy): So to have teens who are emotional, emotionally literate, is just a game changer. And the big five that we teach here at first year, family is happy, mad, sad, hurt, and scared. And they all have the most beautiful aspects to them. So most focused on happy, because as we were growing up, of course, that was like, that was what everyone wanted, right? Like, you know, I know a lot of you who grew up in the church were raised with the mentality of, like, you obey with a happy heart and you obey the first time, otherwise, you’re going to get hurt, harmed, or humiliated, right? Like, there’s going to be a price to pay if, like, even if you obey, but you don’t do it with a smile on your face, it’s not good enough, right? Like, ugh, talk about damaging.
0:55:55 – (Wendy): You didn’t deserve that. And that was really tough. So it’s like, how do you actually teach a child, okay, here’s the emotion you’re having, and let me help you understand what’s going on inside of your body. And, yeah, sometimes in life, there’s things that we don’t want to do. And I’m here to set up an environment where you can trust me, child. Right? Like, instead of, it’s all about obedience or submission. So.
0:56:25 – (Wendy): But most. Most people focus on the happy, and it just is heartbreaking, because without the others, you’re really missing out on the wholeness of life. And so I riff so much and I teach so much about what’s on the other side when you actually allow yourself to feel sad or hurt or angry. Like, they all have the most beautiful things, and I wish I had time to get into them today, but I don’t. And just know that, like, that is where true health comes from.
0:56:58 – (Wendy): So as humans, we are made up of so much invisibleness. Our bodies are. Yes, you can touch your skin right now, and you feel skin, you feel bone. And also, there is so much invisible, energetic space within us, within the cells, like, within the cells of our bodies, within our heart chamber, within our mind and our brain. And we are just such energy beings. And emotions is a huge part of the human condition.
0:57:28 – (Wendy): And so when you don’t learn about what’s happening inside of your body, it just creates a lot of struggle in the human life, and especially for teenagers, because it’s just such an emotional season of life to begin with. And when you don’t understand what’s going on inside of you, it just can be so confusing, and. And then you just end up numbing out or getting into things that might make you feel better in the moment.
0:57:56 – (Wendy): Right? Like, but really, we know in the long term, don’t make you feel better when it comes to drugs or alcohol or risky behavior or, you know, I mean, I see a lot of people, a lot of kids in my daughter’s school now moving to self harm. Like, that’s just such a huge thing in this day and age. My daughter’s high school has had three suicides in the last year. Just in her school. School system. Just in her school, not her school system, her school, right? Like, emotional literacy is just so, so important.
0:58:28 – (Wendy): So when you learn that for yourself, because it always starts with yourself in the beginning, you got to learn yourself because many of us, like I said, weren’t taught, right? When you got hurt, it was like, get up. You’re fine. You’re not even bleeding. When you were scared to death, the dark and it. You know, you were like, there’s monsters. You were told, oh, don’t be silly. Like, I’ll leave the nightlight on. There’s nothing to be scared of.
0:58:52 – (Wendy): Or when you were mad, it was like, don’t you dare freaking be mad at me. Don’t you dare. Right? Like, a lot of our homes, we watched our parents be really angry. Like, that was the dominant emotion in our home. But we weren’t allowed to feel angry. If we did, we were gonna get our ass handed to us. Like, and which one did I not cover yet? Scare. Oh, and hurt. Hurt is. I think I covered hurt, hurt, mad, scared, happy, and sad. Sad was like, don’t be. Don’t be sad. I’ll give you a cookie.
0:59:20 – (Wendy): Anything to, like, you know, please don’t cry. Stop crying. There was just a lot of, like, fixing that one fast, and so we just missed out. And we miss out now when we don’t have the other side of that, because on the other side of anger is. Is brave. So it’s like, remember that? Well, I should say this. Brave often comes with anger. I’ll say it this way. Anger actually is where justice is born. So anger is a spotlight emotion that shines the light on what needs to change.
0:59:52 – (Wendy): Scared really is. On the other side is bravery and courage. You cannot be a brave human being without being scared first. Sadness is an emotion that shows how much you care, and hurt is an emotion that shows the tenderness of your heart. That is so beautiful. And so that’s kind of a quick synopsis, and I’ll say joy real quick. Joy is from within, where so many people think it comes from external things, that actually comes from within. So.
1:00:22 – (Wendy): All right, families, well, that’s a wrap. I am going to head on inside and have breakfast with my folks and my little boy. And I hope you have enjoyed this episode, this special episode from the backyard of my childhood home. I don’t know if you could hear the birds chirping as I was recording, but I’m sitting underneath this canopy of deciduous trees, and it’s just so beautiful, right? So to be able to look back at our childhoods and be grateful for all that we had and were given and for the incredible job that our parents did do, while at the same time bringing light and honesty to what we didn’t have and what we want to provide for our children, I think is just such a beautiful thing to do. So I hope this conversation gives you the courage to do the same.
1:01:13 – (Wendy): And thanks for listening. Make sure you join us for unfrazzled starting June 24, and I’ll see you back on the next episode. Please share. If you’ve loved this one, you can tag me on social media. I’m over on Instagram at Fresh Start. Wendy, I love to hear from you there. Please take a screenshot and share, letting your friends and family know that this was a great episode that they should listen to also.
1:01:34 – (Wendy): All right, thanks again.
