In this episode, Wendy shares five secrets of the calmest, happiest, and most confident parents she knows, drawing from her 14 years of experience in positive parenting.
Highlighting the commonalities she has observed in successful parents along her journey, she shares personal anecdotes and lessons from her mentors and offers valuable insights and actionable strategies for listeners to apply in their own lives.
Throughout the episode, Wendy delves into the importance of parents looking at their own contributions to family dynamics with empowerment versus shame or fear, while emphasizing the need for prioritizing family over other distractions and healing the nervous system to foster a calm and confident parenting approach.
Wendy also discusses the significance of treating the journey of breaking generational cycles as an adventure filled with joy and the critical role of self-compassion. Tune in for a deep dive into these powerful parenting principles that promise to inspire and transform your family life.
What if you could be an effective, firm & kind parent WITHOUT relying on fear, force, bribery & rewards?
Imagine learning a new way of firm (AND kind) parenting so you can end painful generational parenting cycles and create family legacies & memories YOU are proud of?
All while getting your kids to cooperate with your rules and boundaries with ease.
IMAGINE โฆ
Parenting your kids with calm & confidence each day in a way that causes them to do whatโs asked of them because they WANT to (not because they HAVE to) โฆ because youโre helping to build essential life skills that have them behaving well & being respectful when youโre NOT looking!
The Firm & Kind Parenting Blueprint is your step by step plan & video training to help you build the family of your dreams. Click HERE to learn more now!
Episodes Highlights:
- Empowerment Over Shame: Successful parents analyze their contribution to family dynamics without shame, leading to empowerment and positive change.
- Family First: Prioritizing family over external distractions ensures long-term happiness and strong relationships.
- Heal the Nervous System: Emotional literacy and embodiment work are crucial for creating a calm and confident parenting approach.
- Joy in the Journey: Viewing the journey of personal growth and generational healing as an adventure brings joy and resilience.
- Self-Compassion: Loving oneself deeply and honestly enables parents to extend the same compassion to their children.
Resources Mentioned:
- The Garden Within Book by Dr. Anita Phillips
- Join the waitlist for the next Freedom to Be event
Not able to listen or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!
0:00:04 – (Wendy): Hello, families, and welcome back to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family show. I’m your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And I’m so happy you are here today. I want to chat with you about. Sorry, Daniel, I’m waking up. Let’s start that over. Hello, families, and welcome back to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family show. I’m your host, Wendy Snyder, powerful, positive parenting educator and family life coach.
0:00:43 – (Wendy): And I’m so happy that you are here today. We are chatting about five secrets of the calmest, happiest, and most confident parents I know. And I’m excited to share with you what I have learned over, really the last, let’s say it’s been about 14 years that I’ve been in the wonderful, beautiful, wild world of positive parenting. I found this air quotes work when my daughter was three and she’s now almost 17.
0:01:16 – (Wendy): I can’t believe it. And I’ve met so many incredible people along the way. Ended up founding fresh start family about six years ago now. So through that process have had the honor of helping thousands and thousands and thousands of parents from all over the world. And we started our podcast about three years ago now. And through that, we’ve had the honor of interviewing, gosh, I mean, hundreds of experts and thought leaders now after doing this for a few years. And what an honor it’s been to get to know so many people.
0:01:53 – (Wendy): And on top of all that, I have my most trusted mentors who I’ve studied under and had just the honor of learning with as I’ve expanded my own toolkit as a parent, as I’ve healed, as I’ve gone on a journey to understand what it really takes to break painful generational cycles within my own family lineage. And gosh, what an honor it’s been to study, study under such incredible, inspiring people, many of who I still study under to this day.
0:02:28 – (Wendy): One of my favorite mentors, her name is Pam Dunn, who really was just monumental for me in my own healing journey and discovery journey, let’s say, which we’re going to talk about today. She still is my mentor to this day. And so that’s going on over a decade now of having consistent calls with Pam. And Pam now teaches with me actually in our freedom to be weekend personal liberation program, we call it that we do every spring and fall here at fresh start family.
0:02:57 – (Wendy): And so she now is my co teacher. So what an honor to get to actually teach beside my biggest mentor in life. And as I’ve watched so many people over the years and also watched so many people who are not in this world. I’ve just come to the realization that there are some definite commonalities between the people who live the calmest, happiest, and most confident lives as parents. And so today, I’m going to share five of those things with you, just with an intention to inspire you and to help you really get excited about setting a vision of what you want for yourself, for your own legacy, for your family’s legacy.
0:03:45 – (Wendy): And we’re just going to kind of have fun looking at some of these things that I’m calling secrets, because I think a lot of people, you know, we all start to ponder, what is the meaning? You know, the meaning of life as we get older, right? And what is the secret to happiness? And now I will tell you. So I turned 47 this year. As I’m recording this, I’m just about to have my 47th birthday. Terry is turning 50 in a few years, and we’re just like, how did it happen?
0:04:13 – (Wendy): How did it get so old? But also, wow, we’ve done a lot. And we actually celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary this weekend. And as we are sitting, we’ve been together three decades now, so 30 years. Terry and I have been best friends, soulmates, holding hands, doing life together, and we’ve just had so many beautiful adventures. But as we were at our anniversary dinner, just looking each other in the eyes, just saying, wow, you know, we’ve really done a lot. Who would have thought these two wild kids from Maryland who, you know, backtrack 30 years ago were just, you know, all about, all about the party. And, yeah, we did pretty well in school. Both of us were, I think, really good students, but we also were partying our heads off and trying just to get out of Maryland because we knew we were just kind of destined for something different.
0:05:10 – (Wendy): We just really didn’t feel like that was going to be our future and fast track. Moving across country, going to California, creating careers and industries that we loved, graduating from college, buying our first homes, having children, getting through, really the hardest season of our lives when Stella was little, and we really didn’t understand how to raise a strong willed kid with integrity quite yet until we learned a new way to building and creating a fresh start family and founding this business.
0:05:43 – (Wendy): And Terry creating the career of his dreams as a creative and as a video, um, just extraordinaire and photographer and advertising, um, just the things he’s done in that world are so incredible. And then, of course, creating the podcast. And then I think probably the biggest accomplishment we’ve had together is raising our children and seeing them now at almost 14, almost 17. I know a lot of people are starting to reach out to us and want to interview us because we now sit on the summit, so to speak. Right. I mean, I think the true people who sit on the summit are the ones who had grandkids, right? And those are my mentors, Pam Dunn and Suzie Walton.
0:06:26 – (Wendy): They have many, many grandkids. And so those are some of the people that I really look up to the most, who can speak to creating that family legacy the most. But I know a lot of people are starting to ask, Terry and I, what is it like to actually use positive parenting and the lifestyle that comes with it to raise kids now that they’re teenagers? What does it look like to get those long term, sustainable results? And so we’re really enjoying having more and more of those conversations. But I do think that we sit at that place now where we can share just how impactful this journey has been for us. Right?
0:07:03 – (Wendy): And so some of these secrets that I’m going to share today around how do you really create the life of calm and joy and confidence comes from the lifestyle that we’ve chosen to live now for the last 14 years. Because when it comes to positive parenting, you know, and you know this, if you’re inside of our fresh start experience is like, we can learn the strategies all day long that has to do with getting our kids to cooperate better and do their homework and go to bed and keep their hands to themselves when they’re pissed off at their sibling or whatever it may be. Those strategies that we learn, it, they for sure radiate out into the rest of your life, right? Because those strategies, we know involve a deeper sense of learning and growing and healing, where we become the models of the life that we want.
0:07:57 – (Wendy): We stop living a life of hypocrisy. We learn to self regulate and have greater self control. We learn to process our emotions in a healthy way. We learn to have peaceful conflict resolution and negotiation. We learn to take responsibility for our mistakes and with humility, come to our children and ask for grace and thank them for their grace, because we are human, just like them, right? And we are learning. But all of these things that we start to do and live, they then affect your career, they then affect your faith walk and the way you lead small groups at church or the way you treat your neighbors, like it all just is so interconnected. Right?
0:08:41 – (Wendy): So with all that said, let’s get into the five secrets, because I’m excited to share them with you. All right, so, number one, when it comes to secrets of the calmest, happiest, and most confident parents I know, number one is they are willing to look at their own contribution to the dance with empowerment versus shame or fear. So most parents, when they find fresh start family and enter into our world of education and coaching and learning, is really when life has gotten to a point where it becomes, like, a little bit of a breaking point and the pain becomes intense enough that they stop and actually ask for or accept help.
0:09:27 – (Wendy): And this really mimics my story. And so here at fresh start family, when I created this company and when I created my business plan and decided to, like, go all in, my vision at the time of creation and still is, my vision for this organization is to have this be proactive work for the world. So my dream really is to have this type of research based, positive psychology based work in high school and early college. Have it. You know, back when I was growing up, it was like, we had to do home EC was one of our classes, and you had to do, like, basic health classes, right? I know my kids still do basic health classes and in middle school and high school. I guess it really happens in middle school here.
0:10:17 – (Wendy): But my dream is, like, what if we actually had positive parenting classes in middle school and high school? Because one thing we know is that most humans are going to procreate, and it is just insanity to me that we don’t have parenting education classes. How do you actually spawn a little human and then get that little human to do what you want? Like, put on their shoes, eat their vegetables, be kind to others, go to bed when you need them to, stay in their bed when you need them to. Like, how do you actually influence another human being that happens to be yours, has your DNA and looks just like you and acts just like you.
0:10:57 – (Wendy): How do you get them to do what you want? And I just can’t believe that we don’t teach humans this, right, like, everyone for the most part, because the cultural norm is just to use fear and force and bribery and rewards, which is what I call the classic four. Most people just inherit that toolkit and then they just roll with it when they have kids. And so, again, my vision, my dream is that we would get this into the hands of people before they’re even thinking about becoming pregnant.
0:11:26 – (Wendy): So they know one day that that’s just how they’re going to do it. They’re going to influence their human souls with integrity and dignity and connection and relationship and firm kindness, because they’ve been taught that that is strong, not weak and permissive. And then they’re just better prepared when the toddler years hit and. Or they get a strong willed kid, and they’re just. They don’t panic by it, right? They’re not like, oh, my gosh.
0:11:53 – (Wendy): Which is what happens to most of us. Most of us, we didn’t learn this work before we had kids, and we were given the hand me down parenting toolkit. And so, especially those of us who are handed strong willed kids are blessed with strong willed kids. We hit the toddler years, and we’re like, oh, crap. Like, we better do something fast, because this is already out of control. This kid thinks that they ruled a roost.
0:12:18 – (Wendy): They’re pushing back around every corner. I’m now raising my voice. I’m now turned into a threatening monster, and I’m stressed all the time. I’m trying to figure out how to punish better. Why isn’t the timeout or the spankings or the threatening of spankings working? And it just becomes a total shit show if we’re being honest, right? And so a lot of the families who find me are at that breaking point where they’re like, okay, something’s got to change, because my marriage is suffering.
0:12:46 – (Wendy): I’m miserable with this kid, and I’m so sick and tired of telling this child to keep their hands to themselves or trying to remain calm through these big emotional blow ups that there’s got to be a better way, right? So my mission is to help people where they’re at, which, again, mimics my journey. I found this work when Stella was three. Thought I was going to lose my mind, was trying the traditional stuff that was handed down to me. And then I learned to do a full 180, so to speak, completely change directions.
0:13:21 – (Wendy): And I learned to start taking responsibility for my own contribution to the dance. So it was very based in empowerment versus shame or fear. And that was a big change for me to even have awareness around how I was contributing to the. I’ll just go ahead and call it chaos between Stella and I, because when I first learned this work, I had just decided to stay home with my babies. So I had just left my career in the action sports industry. I was an event planner, and I was now at home. I let go of our nanny, who was the best nanny in the world, but I was like, I really want to do this. I want to be home with my children. I want to take advantage of these years when they’re little.
0:14:05 – (Wendy): And before you knew it, I was just miserable, and I was ashamed of it. I was like, I should be thankful. I should be thankful I’ve been given this beautiful opportunity to be financially supported and not have to work a full time job. And here I am, like, wishing the days would just come to an end because Stella was so difficult. The baby had colic, and I just had a lot of blind spots around how I was contributing to the challenging situation.
0:14:37 – (Wendy): And also that there was things that I was doing and saying and modeling that were actually teaching my little girl to act in a way that I didn’t want her to act. Right. So, once I became aware of those blind spots, I stepped into empowerment, and that included becoming aware without the shame aspect. Right. I always teach my students that guilt is actually healthy. Guilt is, I believe, God given, and it helps us redirect our steps.
0:15:07 – (Wendy): So it’s like, gosh, I just wish I wouldn’t have said that. I wish I wouldn’t have done that. I’m noticing that I fly off the handle quite easily. I’m now yelling. I’m slamming doors. Like, something’s got to change. That’s kind of guilt, right? Like, I don’t want to do that to my little girl. I don’t want to say that to my little girl. I don’t want to treat her like that. But shame is more like, what is wrong with me? I’m ruining my child.
0:15:29 – (Wendy): I’m the worst mom. I should know better. You know, something like that. So, blind spots are where you just become aware that you are actually contributing to the dance. And one of my higher program students said it so beautifully the other day at one of our calls, so my become a parenting coach. Students have 16 of them this year in my 2024. It’s 2024. In my 2024 program. And she said the other day on a call as we were talking about victim mindsets or a disempowered state and how many parents aren’t aware that they’re in a victim mindset, which is where you’re really just blaming your child for everything? And. And I really do think that most of us start out to be honest in that victim mindset, in that disempowered state. And as you study and as you go along, you realize, oh, I’m in a victim mindset.
0:16:25 – (Wendy): I’m blaming my child for everything. Or I found a lot of people blame themselves. But she said it so beautifully when she said what a gift it is to become aware of your blind spots. And I just love that word that she used, gift. And she, like, many of my students that week, as we were studying this subject, they said, gosh, I just didn’t realize how much I operate out of a victim mindset. And, you know, one of them was like, oh, yeah, yesterday I had a full victim day where I was like, woe is me.
0:16:58 – (Wendy): You know, why can’t I get what I want? I can’t get what I want until my child changes. And I think, really, once you become aware of, like, of the blind spots, it can actually become fun. It’s like, oh, there’s another one. There’s another one. There’s another one. And so what happens when you step into that is you. It takes you out of the disempowered state of, like, why is this happening? Nothing changes. No one listens to me. This doesn’t make sense. Like, why is life so difficult?
0:17:30 – (Wendy): Why can’t my child just be easier? It takes you out of that, like, disempowered state where you feel like nothing you do, you’re doing is working. And it brings you into. Back into that empowered driver’s seat of your life where when you realize that you can actually change the way you communicate, you can actually change the way you see your child’s misbehavior. You can actually change your intention when your child is having a meltdown from needing to make them stop to empowering them to self regulate. Like, you have so much in your power that you can change.
0:18:08 – (Wendy): And that really then changes what you create in your life. Like, your everyday life changes when you realize that it starts with us, it starts with me, it starts with you, right? And then our children are what follow behind. So many people get stuck thinking that the kids go first, and it just doesn’t make sense when you’re in your rational brain, right? You’re like, okay, you’re working with, like, a five year old, a ten year old, a 13 year old, and we have three, four decades of life under us, but yet we think the child has to give us respect before we can give respect.
0:18:44 – (Wendy): And it’s just not the way it works, right? Like, they are figuring out this thing called life just like we are, but we are the ones who need to teach and lead, and that is when it works out the best. So again, the people that I have seen that are the happiest in life, the calmest, the most confident, are the ones who have been willing to look at their own contribution to the dance from a place of empowerment versus shame or fear.
0:19:10 – (Wendy): And I will add that this is tricky. This is a journey, because so many of us were raised with shame and fear. So shame is like, you know, the, um, literally the. The big one of the biggest phrases in my house, um, that my mom, still, just by habit, says today when she’s, like, yelling at the dog or something, she would say, shame on you. You should be ashamed of yourself. What is wrong with you? What were you thinking? Right? Like, that’s more of a shame thing. That, let me tell you, has been a freaking journey for me to drop because I realized that was my own inner critic. And it became so flowy for me with Stella that bringing awareness to it was, like, intense and also so powerful, because there have been some days where I said shame statements that almost feel like they cut the worst, you know, and I have had the season where I did, you know, listen to so many people who were, like, just spank Stella.
0:20:09 – (Wendy): And I tried twice, and it was a total shit show. Like, she freaked out, thank God, because she’s a red flag waver and razor, which so many strong willed kids are. But I do think that. And just to remind everyone, we all leave scars on our children. Like, we all leave marks, I should say. And nobody gets out of parenthood without leaving a mark, whether it’s emotional or physical. And. And that’s why all of our children in this generation are going to grow up to have therapy and life coaches. Just normalize. Like, everyone’s going to have things to work through. When your kids are older, it doesn’t matter how perfect of a parent you are. So there really is no, like, danger in admitting your faults and just looking at the marks that you made. But then taking responsibility and changing for the future is a big deal.
0:20:58 – (Wendy): But I really do look at some of those shame statements as, like, dang, those are the ones that I regret the most. Right? Like, the spanking. Like, yes. I just feel like I was led in a different way. I was at my wit’s end. But the shame, those are things that just really impact the heart. Right? And so I’ve worked diligently over the years to help Stella unlearn some of the things that I said to her when she was. When she was younger.
0:21:24 – (Wendy): But shame without. So taking responsibility for your own contribution to the dance without shame or fear is a high degree of difficulty, because so many of us were raised with shame, and we were also raised with fear. Right? Like, fear is a crazy motivator. It is. Let me just tell you, it. It is. Like, it keeps people small, it keeps people suppressed, and it’s an awful way to live. It’s an awful way to live.
0:21:53 – (Wendy): Fear is what creates really bad problems in our world. Right? And so to live in shame and fear, I just think all of us would agree it’s just not what we want to do. And when you learn to take responsibility for your part of the dance without shame or fear, then I swear to you, it actually becomes fun to look more and find more of where you are contributing so you can actually step to the side, re, like, reestablish how you want to behave, how you want to see the world, and then step back in when you’re ready to lead with that firm, kind confidence.
0:22:31 – (Wendy): Okay, let’s move on to number two. Another secret of the calmest, happiest, and most confident parents I know is that they prioritize their family over everything else. And so this is one that I’ve noticed is really one that I think leads to, like, less regret as you get older. Again, being in the spot where I’m now watching a lot of. So, Stella, almost 17 years old, I’m watching a lot of her fam, like, her friends and their family.
0:23:09 – (Wendy): And I’m also watching, like, a lot of people I know now have kids in college, right, where I’ve watched them honestly not prioritize their families. I also have seen even people in my generation where, you know, they don’t have the relationship with their parents that they wish that they had. And once you get to that later point in life, like, the sting of regret is just so, so gnarly. And I’m also seeing, again, some of my biggest mentors where they have the family of their dreams later in life.
0:23:46 – (Wendy): They have their relationship with their kids, where their kids actually call them at 40, you know, 35, 40 years old, when they need to shed a tear. And these are boys, these are men who call their mom still as the first person when they’re like, you know, gosh, mom, this has just been really hard. Or I’m so scared that this diagnosis is going to come back as cancer, or, you know, I’ve just heard so many stories from some of my closest mentors of their. Their men calling them because their emotional literacy, emotionally literate, and they know that they have a safe space with their parent, and they just came out of their childhood feeling very, very close.
0:24:30 – (Wendy): I’ve heard so many stories from my one mentor who has many, like, basketball kids that went into a lot of high level basketball careers, but one of them who actually ended up becoming a professional player, went on to coach professional basketball, still does to this day. With a professional team. But I remember the story of that. She would say when he called her from college, and he was just so upset that they had lost a game. He’s wildly competitive, and he called her first, and she was the one who was able to say, okay, well, do you want to go in the shower and have a good cry, or do you want to do it here on the phone with me?
0:25:11 – (Wendy): And it was like, okay. Like, he chose to do it with his mom present because he just knew how safe she was. And if you’re in my work at all and in my world at all, it’s like, we know that suppression really will lead to problems and sickness and anxiety and depression and all those types of things, but actually learning to move your emotions and feel them in a healthy way, it doesn’t always require crying, but sometimes it does that that’s, like, really a way to move the needle and keep your life in flow where you can then get back out on the basket court and use that frustration and that anger for good to, like, win the next game or secure that job that you didn’t get, like, the next time. Right, whatever it may be.
0:25:55 – (Wendy): And so, I don’t know. I just have so many stories from my mentors and people who I respect with kids as they’ve gotten older who have that relationship, that legacy of their dreams, and really have become the matriarch or patriarch in, like, this beautiful way, and not in, like, the bad patriarchy way, but, like, fathers and mothers that are, like, really just did it in a way where they invested in their family very young. I definitely. I look at Terry like that right now because I’m like, man, Terry has chosen to put his family first. And, you know, honestly, like, Terry comes from a home where. Where his dad did work, like, really, really intensely, where he was pretty much gone the first 1520 years of his life, right? Like, the career was prioritized, and that’s tough, right? Because there are, I’m sure, like, a lot of people who later in life realize, I wish I would have prioritized the family over the career.
0:26:59 – (Wendy): And I watch Terry, and I’m like, man, Terry is prioritizing the career, but he’s. He. Well, I guess there’s only one priority. He cares about his career, and he has a badass career, but he’s prioritizing his family. And you can see now the relationship he has with his kids, especially Stella, now that she’s very close to leaving the house. I mean, he has a great relationship with both of his kids, but it’s just unreal to see what it creates.
0:27:24 – (Wendy): But just, you know, know that coming from someone who’s sitting at the point where, gosh, my kids are really close to launching, which is just crazy. I don’t know how we got here. That time really does go fast. I think that first two decades or that first decade of your life or when you’re a parent and you’re raising kids and you’re just so entrenched in redirection, there is so much misbehavior, there is so much learning. There is so many calls from the school or, you know, rough pickups from preschool or moments where you just feel like you’re going to flip your lid. Because why can’t they just keep their hands to themselves or clean up their messes, right? Clean up their messes comes a little bit later in the second decade of life. But there’s just so much work that you do in the first decade and then the second decade, there’s still a lot of work because tweens and teens are in power surge stages of life. But then you just realize, like, man, time starts to go pretty fast and you realize just how fast, like, just how close those college years come.
0:28:30 – (Wendy): And what I love about this work is that we never, we never, like, it’s not like we have 18 years with our kids and then we’re done. Like when you have strong relationships with your kids and you are like some of the closest people in their lives that they tell everything to and that they feel safe with and that they truly respect because they want to, not because they have to, or else they’re going to get their ass beat or they’re going to get chewed out and they’re scared of you. Like, when you have actually have a relationship, your kids continue to come to you in their twenties, thirties, forties, right? Like, you are their person.
0:29:03 – (Wendy): But I just think that it’s just crazy how time starts to go really fast, especially after your kids, like, become teenagers. So right now, you know, it’s like I’m in this season of my life where I’m actually today. Today is a big day for me. I’m deciding whether I’m going to take a book deal or not. I’ve been, like, in negotiation for four months with a publisher and I think we’ll see when this episode comes out if I took it or not. But I’m feeling like. I really think the timing might be perfect to take this book deal and write this book, which will take me two years.
0:29:38 – (Wendy): But it’s wild. When I look at, like, wow, write this book now. And this book would publish when Stella is graduating from high school, which is just so crazy to me because it just feels like yesterday that I was walking into that first positive parenting class and thinking like, oh, my gosh, I want to learn more about this. But then coming home and being like, oh, crap, this is really difficult to put into real life.
0:30:07 – (Wendy): Why won’t she just sit down and do her calming kit when I tell her? Doesn’t she know that I’m trying not to put her in timeout anymore? It was just a lot to implement, right? It just feels like it was yesterday. And now to think that my little girl will be walking across a high school stage, possibly at the same time I have a book come into the world, it just feels like it probably could be divine timing and, wow, it just happens really fast, right? But I know that that’s going to be such a special, sweet season for me because I chose to prioritize my family.
0:30:46 – (Wendy): Yes, I built a business along the way and a legacy for my family in that capacity, right? Because I really do think that Stella is an angel. Her story and her life and her strong willedness has literally changed and saved lives across the world. But just knowing that I did choose to prioritize the family is. Is a big deal. Right? And this goes for boundary setting, too. I will say when you choose to prioritize your family over everything else, you learn how to stick to firm, strong boundaries and be a rainbow unicorn, because, again, you have a family first mindset.
0:31:31 – (Wendy): So I’ve noticed this is huge in, like, the tech world as far as, like, um, me keeping my kids off iPhones till high school, I’ve noticed that. I mean, we really have become this, like, freak family. Like, everyone in our southern California town just looks at me like, how in the world did you do that? And it’s like, well, it’s because I put my family first. I put their mental health first. We just experienced the third suicide in Stella’s high school this year, this frickin year.
0:32:02 – (Wendy): And there is so much research and data that shows the, like, serious, direct correlation between digital devices that are with kids 24/7 so the invention of the iPhone and all the social apps directly with massive increases in depression, anxiety, self harm, suicide, suicidal thoughts. And so for me, it’s such a no brainer to put my family first. And the world is tricky. It will make you think that it’s no big deal. You just form.
0:32:40 – (Wendy): You just conform a little bit and give them the phone. Like, again, that’s just an example of boundary setting becomes easier when you decide to put your family first and you prioritize your family over everything. And, yes, that means supporting your kids through the uncomfortable car rides when they’re carpooling to their beach volleyball tournament, and everybody in the car is on a phone and on TikTok for 2 hours while your coat, your kid sits there and listens to music on their gab or Trumi device. Right. Like, but you just know that you’re putting your family first over cultural.
0:33:16 – (Wendy): Cultural norms, right. And so, um, yeah, that’s just what I’ve noticed. The people that are the happiest, the calmest, and the most confident when it comes to parenting, they prioritize their family over everything else, and they do what they need to do to heal, to learn, and to just raise their children in a way that they feel is, like, really in line with their moral compass, instead of just stalling or thinking that it’s fine to, like, do it another day or just, like, you know, they just aren’t cool with settling for fine, if that makes sense. Okay. Number three.
0:33:56 – (Wendy): When it comes to secrets of the calmest, happiest, and most confident parents I know, um, they have done extensive work to heal their nervous system. And so in our world here at fresh start family, that healing of the nervous system really comes through feeling. So feeling and signaling safety to the body, which is an interesting mind body journey and adventure. Really an adventure. I’ve been trying to use the word adventure more lately because being on a healing journey or, you know, breaking painful generational cycles, it’s an adventure. And when you look at it, we’re going to get to that in a second, so I won’t. I won’t jump ahead, but it is. It’s an adventure.
0:34:40 – (Wendy): And in our world, we know that healing comes through feeling. And there is no way to, like, get to a new way of life if you don’t learn to actually process emotions in a healthy way. So emotional literacy is really at the top when it comes to healing the nervous system. I am just about to do an incredible live event here at fresh start family at the end of June, where we are going to be doing a deep dive into why we feel so frazzled when our kids misbehave. It’s going to be so excited. The team and I really haven’t been this excited for a long time. And so it’s a free four day event. Make sure you’re registered for Fresh Start Family, and I’m going to be teaching so much about that. But I’ve just been so blessed by many different people in this space. Kate Northrup is one and also Doctor Anita Phillips. I’ve really been enjoying reading her book, the Guardian within and just been having so many discussions with my own community inside of the fresh start experience, our private membership group, about how the body really does come first and then the emotions comes first. So the nervous system is what is kind of steering the ship.
0:35:59 – (Wendy): So that embodiment piece, you know, I used to teach in a way where it was a lot of the emotions and the mindset was what we brought attention to the first. What I have learned so beautifully from Kate Northrup and doctor Anita Phillips is that it’s actually the nervous system, it’s actually the body, it’s the limbic system. It’s, that is what, what kind of creates the emotions and then the beliefs follow behind and then the actions, and that creates a cycle which create the life we want or we don’t want, and then that just happens on repeat.
0:36:35 – (Wendy): And so I’ve been working with clients for years and years on, like, basically identifying mistaken belief systems and then understanding how early those belief systems get formed. Usually it’s by the age of six or seven. And understanding the process of what it looks like to unlearn the belief systems that might have kept us safe when we were young. But now, as you know, fully developed adults with fully developed brains, we have the ability to use our prefrontal cortex of our brain to signal to our body that we are safe. There’s actually no longer a bear chasing us. When we were little, it sure seemed like a bear was chasing us when, like in my house, you would get chased around with the paddle, like, it felt like you were going to die if you got caught and hit with that thing, or when you lied about something and your parents found out and the look on their face and the way they raised their voice or the punishment that was going to be looming, like, it sure felt like a bear was chasing you and that you were going to die. And that sticks in the nervous system.
0:37:49 – (Wendy): And then as you get older, you realize that there’s just a whole bunch of stuff that formed around those experiences. And we can do work as we get older, that signal safety to our body, that helps us understand that when our kids spill their milk or you find out that they got another red card in first grade, when you’ve talked about 10,000 times how to stay quiet or how to not rock the boat on the school playground at lunch, whatever it may be, but those moments when you feel so triggered, like how do you actually come in and signal safety to your body so you can respond versus react to misbehavior in a way that you feel really good about.
0:38:37 – (Wendy): And I will say that we do a deep dive in this also in all of our freedom to be courses, which we do every spring and fall here at fresh start family. Our next one is September 28 and October 5. This one’s actually online, which is going to be really great if you live far away from California and you know that you’re not going to make the in person one, but you can learn more and get on the waitlist for that at freshdartfamilyonline.com/freedomcourse.
0:39:01 – (Wendy): Okay, so the people I know that are the calmest, the happiest, most confident, they have done extensive work to heal their nervous system. They’ve increased their emotional literacy. They’ve brought in embodiment work, and they have gone on a journey to look at what limiting beliefs are no longer serving them. So they can step into new empowering belief systems that really create the life that they want.
0:39:30 – (Wendy): Okay, number four, when it comes to the five secrets of the calmest, happiest, and most confident parents I know, number four is that they’ve embarked on a healing adventure and have found joy in the journey. So again, when we look at healing as an adventure or breaking painful generational cycles or upgrading our legacy as an adventure versus I gotta go to therapy, like, this is gonna suck, this is gonna be hard. This is gonna be gnarly.
0:40:02 – (Wendy): You have to trust me that it just works. Like, finding joy in the journey is such a huge factor to doing the work. And I remember when my, one of my biggest mentors used to say this to me when I was first learning this work, I kind of would roll my eyes and I’m like, find joy in the journey. Like, what the flip are you talking about? Like, this is crazy, right? Like this. This isn’t fun. And then as time went on, I started to get the itch and I started to realize just how empowering it feels when you identify freaking things, blind spots, limiting belief patterns that you’re like, oh, my gosh. No wonder my child is not listening to me.
0:40:42 – (Wendy): No wonder my spouse and I are fighting. No wonder my child’s being aggressive. Like, it makes sense. It becomes like this, almost like this beautiful addiction in a good way where you’re getting these dopamine hits that are healthy, right? Like, I’ve always tried to teach my kids over the years to, like, find health, the addictions to replace the ones that you want to forego. Right? And for me, like, it’s a silly example, but flossers have become, like, one of my healthiest addictions.
0:41:12 – (Wendy): It’s like, if I don’t have flossers around, I’m like, I have ones in my car. I have ones next to my bed, I have ones in the downstairs bathroom. And it just is, like, the most satisfying thing after any meal for me to get in there and, like, find little bits of food in my teeth. I swear, stepping into healing and upgrading your family legacy is one of those things that comes, becomes just so joyful.
0:41:36 – (Wendy): And it’s really not about the arrival. It’s not about reaching this ultimate place where you’re like, okay, I’ve reached perfection. I no longer get triggered. My kids have perfect behavior. They’ve been accepted to the Ivy League school with straight a’s on an athletic and academic scholarship. And now they have landed the career of their dreams as a doctor. And our family is perfect. Look at us. Like, it’s just not like that. It’s not about the arrival.
0:42:05 – (Wendy): It’s about the journey and every step of the way. When you bring in this type of healing and growth and empowerment, you just get these hits on a consistent basis that you’re like, wow, this is life. This is the wholeness of life. When you learn to feel all of your emotions without suppressing them and realize that sadness is beautiful, it shows how much you care. Anger is freaking beautiful. It is where justice is born.
0:42:37 – (Wendy): Being scared is beautiful because that’s where courage and bravery come from, right? Like, being hurt shows the tenderness of your. Your heart. And, of course, being joyful is awesome, but it comes from within, not from external ways. And so just stepping into the wholeness of life and learning how to be emotional, literate, and how to be triggered and not react like a volcano, it just. It’s just beautiful. So, you know, especially the learning to feel emotions part of it, and.
0:43:12 – (Wendy): And really facing the shadows, it ends up being really freeing. And the people you meet along the way are just so incredible. I mean, gosh, we could do a whole episode around communication and the people that you meet along the way. I’m currently in a season where I’m really excited to bring in more, like, natural wellness solutions to the families I work with. And I’m starting to, like, really get deeper into the aromatherapy world. And I felt God tugging my heart to go in this direction, and I didn’t really know how it was going to look, but I was just like, you know what? This feels, right. I’m going to step in. And God has been bringing me closer to the most incredible people that I am just so excited about spending more time with and really learning from and building out that part of my business and my life over the next few years. So the people that get placed in your way when you say yes to going on a healing adventure is just awesome.
0:44:12 – (Wendy): Okay. The last one that we have for you today, when it comes to the five secrets of the calmest, happiest, and most confident parents I know, is that they have learned to show themselves compassion, and love themselves deeply and honestly. This might be one of the biggest ones, and this is such a blind spot for people. And it’s like, if you’ve ever read the scripture, like, love your neighbor as yourself.
0:44:38 – (Wendy): And I always think of, like, our. Our closest neighbors as, like, the little human beings that look just like us and act just like us that are living next door in the bedroom next to us. Right. Like, those are the ultimate neighbor. But of course, we think about our neighbors on our street. Right, right. But, like, loving someone deeply is impossible unless you love yourself. So I think so many people miss that part.
0:45:02 – (Wendy): I know I did for so long. And it wasn’t till Stella came along that I realized that I was so hard on her because I was so hard on myself. And she is literally my mirror. She’s my mirror. Like, the things she struggles with pride and aggressiveness sometimes and being a button pusher. Right? Like, those are just a few examples that she’s on a beautiful journey to step into her God given, type a go getter, strong willed personality. And surprise, surprise.
0:45:35 – (Wendy): So am I right? Terry and Terrin seem to be, like, on a similar journey with their God given personalities. That is different. But Stella and I definitely are on a journey to love ourselves deeply, to see where our personalities serve the world and our beautiful blessings to the world, and work on the areas where we can be a little intense. Right. Or rub people wrong. And so, as I’ve learned to love myself more, which has come through a lot of personal liberation work. Some people call it personal development.
0:46:08 – (Wendy): We call it personal liberation because it’s basically peeling back the layers of the artichoke that are, like, crusty and sharp. Or you can think of it as, like, the crustaceans that form on the bottom of a ship, right? And, like, when you break them off or when you clear them away, you could look at his cobwebs, too, when you clear it off, you’re left with, like, the beautiful core. Or for an artichoke, it’s, like, the most tender part. It’s the artichoke heart, right? That’s what we eat in salads.
0:46:37 – (Wendy): And. And so, peeling back the layers, so to speak, some people say onion, but I don’t like to use onion because onions are so. I guess when they’re cooked, they’re really yummy. But you peel back the layers, and you’re left with your true, authentic self before you formed all of these hardened shells to protect yourself over the years. And so that has been groundbreaking for me as I’ve learned to love myself more and find compassion with myself.
0:47:08 – (Wendy): It’s just been awesome, because I will tell you that the harder you are on yourself, yourself, the harder you will be on your children. And for most of us who were raised with the autocratic homes, my area, my way, or the highway, strong levels of disappointment or shame or punishment that were present in your home when you were imperfect, you probably have a really strong inner critic, and that inner critic will catch you real fast. If you are anything, like, close to imperfect, you will shame yourself.
0:47:44 – (Wendy): Right. So my biggest one that I really had to catch and change over the years is, like, what’s wrong with you? Like, what were you thinking? You did something wrong. And over the years, it’s been so beautiful to learn to just say, whoops, let me try that again, or, I’d like to do that different, or, that didn’t feel right, or, it makes sense why you yelled. It makes sense why you said that to your daughter.
0:48:10 – (Wendy): It makes sense why you’re so triggered. And we have the ability to do things a different way. And so a lot of families who find me in the beginning, they really. They don’t quite realize how hard on themselves they are. And the big thing is that you don’t have to be that. Shame actually doesn’t work to transform hearts, minds, actions, behaviors. Yes, guilt can be healthy. Guilt is like, I don’t want to yell anymore.
0:48:36 – (Wendy): I’m sick and tired of believing that I have to hurt my child in order to make them behave better. Like, guilt can be great, but when it comes to shame, it’s just going to keep you stuck. And so the people that I’ve watched create the happiest, healthiest lives and become the most calmest, happiest, most confident, especially in their parenting walk, they have really learn to love themselves and replace that inner critic with an encouraging, empowering voice that tells them they can do anything that they set their mind to.
0:49:12 – (Wendy): And Brene Brown has been just pivotal in this space to prove to us how much shame does not work and how much like it works. When you eliminate shame from your life and step into more of an empowerment healed version of yourself where you decide what you want and then you go after it, you believe in yourself. And guess what? When you do that, you then look at your children in a whole new way. Even those strong willed kids that are professional button pushers, you start to see the good in them, even when they make the big bad mistakes.
0:49:48 – (Wendy): And then you’re able to coach them and teach them towards the light. So much easier. All right, families, well, that’s what I got for you today. I hope you enjoyed this episode about the five secrets of the calmest, happiest and most confident parents I know. I’ll be back next week with another great episode, but lots of love, every single one of you I am so appreciative of. Thanks for being loyal listeners of the fresh start family show. Please share this episode if you loved it.
0:50:13 – (Wendy): I’m @freshartwendy over on Instagram and it’s a great way to just take a screenshot, share maybe on your Instagram stories. Tag me and let me know what you loved about this episode or what was an aha moment for you. What? Hit deep and then make sure you do. Join us for unfrazzled where you can registered register at freshstartfamilyonline.com/unfrazzled. All right, see you soon. Bye.
