This week’s episode of the Fresh Start Family Show is all about empowering your families when it comes to language, communication and decision making, especially in your parenting walk. Wendy talks about 10 tips to shifting your communication as a parent that will help deepen and improve relationships with your children.
Tune in to hear Wendy teach about two types of communication shifts to apply in your daily parenting life:
- Mindset based
- Parent- Child Communication Based
Wendy discusses the practical, slow and steady shifts parents can make in their parenting plus how consistent mentorship and community truly allow families to thrive.
Ready to join a life-changing, powerful, positive parenting community & support program?
Feel successful & confident … and grow leaps & bounds in your abilities to parent with firm kindness & integrity while significantly strengthening the bond with your kids. Join the bonfire Community today!
Episode Highlights:
- Living a purposeful life
- Establishing the right mindset in your parenting walk
- Achieving the family of your dreams
- Overcoming self-sabotage
- Finding mentorship and community in your parenting walk
- Communication shifts to make in your parenting today so your kids listen better & cooperate more without you having to rely on fear, force, bribery & rewards.
Resources Mentioned:
The Power of Yet – FSF Episode 112
Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!
Wendy:
This episode of the fresh start family show is brought to you by the bonfire support program. A life-changing powerful, positive parenting community and support program feel successful and confident and grow leaps and bounds in your ability to parent with, from kindness and integrity, while significantly strengthening the bond with your kids. This supportive positive parenting and family life coaching program is for busy parents looking for consistent guidance and inspiration on how to redirect their kids misbehavior with integrity, teach important life lessons with connection and discipline with effectiveness. It’s perfect for families who want to make positive parenting their new normal and be supported by a positive parenting educator every step of the way, Head to FreshStartFamilyonline.com/join-bonfire to learn more or just click the community tab at FreshstartFamilyonline.com.
Wendy:
Doors to this program only open twice a year and they are currently open, but only through Friday, February 4th. So now is your time to get supported. I cannot wait to see you there.
Stella:
Well, Hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dads podcast. The fresh start family show. We’re so happy. You’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean Jesus and rock and roll and believe deeply in the true power of loving kindness together. We hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show!
Wendy:
Well, Hey there, families and welcome to a new episode of the fresh start family show. I am your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And I am so happy that you are here. There is definitely a vibe of excitement going around right now here at Fresh Start Family headquarters, because our bonfire support community, you guys, is officially open for enrollment. Now this only happens twice a year, so there’s just kind of this buzz of empowerment and anticipation and hope and togetherness and courage. So I thought it would be good to record a podcast episode that is all about empowering you when it comes to language and communication and decision-making, which all really affect your parenting walk.
Wendy:
So inside of our bond fair support community, which by the way, you can always learn more about by heading over to the website, FreshStartFamilyonline.com and clicking the community tab at the top. But inside of our bond fair support community families from all over the world, we have over 15 countries represented in the program. Now it’s just awesome. But these families gather to really what I like to say, do this wild journey we call parenting together. And one of the biggest things that I coach parents on week after week and inside of all of our lessons inside of our lesson library, which is kind of like a Netflix for positive parenting for parents that are learning positive parenting.
Wendy:
But one of the biggest things that I teach is living with an empowered mindset because you see you guys raising kids or being married or living a purpose filled life is so much easier and more joyful when you train your mind to be centered in growth mindset and abundance and confidence and going for what you want. And yes, this of course takes practice and often a strong mentor, honestly, to consistently cheer you on and redirect you and challenge you and remind you that you’re doing a great job. I know for me and my own journey, when I first found the work of positive parenting and life coaching, I definitely struggled with my mindset.
Wendy:
I really was just kind of stuck in a season of blame and looking outside of myself for reasons why I couldn’t be happy reasons why I couldn’t find joy in my mother had journey for reasons why I was so stressed out. And it all really was usually based in external reasons. So it took me years to adjust my mindset and thank God I found the most incredible parenting and life coaching mentors and pastors and friends and family, of course, to support me in that journey, but it does take practice, but really what ends up happening so often is that we are the ones that get in our own way of change.
Wendy:
Meaning if, if we want our kids to behave better or our spouse to get on board with this new way of parenting, or I don’t know our, our church to understand how positive parenting is indeed in line with Jesus. When we doubt ourselves and allow our self-sabotaging fear-filled insecure thoughts to drive our actions. That is when we end up getting stuck and not being able to get what we want because you guys, our minds are so freaking powerful and we get what we believe we can have. So parenting is the same way. It’s amazing how much changing our language and our mindset does to affect the way we approach life.
Wendy:
The way our kids act, the way we actually are able to make our dreams come true, to create the family of our dreams and so on. So when we are negative, our kids have a tendency to be negative. When we doubt that our kids can change. Meaning when we doubt that they will ever stop tantruming, or they’ll never learn to keep their hands to themselves, or they’ll never learn to just do the dishes without complaining. We are now in tween and teenage land. That is the major. That is the major whoa, around here right now. Or we dealt that, you know, fill in the blanks, right? Like we have a tendency to doubt that our children will ever change. But our kids, when we do this, have a tendency to then doubt that they are capable of change or worse that they are broken, which of course is not what we want.
Wendy:
So when we focus on what we don’t want, and we constantly tell them to stop it, they have a tendency to focus on what they’re doing wrong instead of how they’re going to do it right. Or how they are capable of doing what we want them to do. Does that make sense? So we’re going to hop right into some, say this, not that tips. Do you guys remember that book? I think it still exists. I feel like a new one comes out every year. It was like a guy on the today show years ago, but he wrote a book, a series of books and it was all about like eating healthy eating replacements. And it was like, eat this, not that. So this is my version of that for you guys today to just empower you and give you more ideas and tips and all the things.
Wendy:
So we’re going to hop right into this, the first 10 ideas that I’m going to give you will be a little bit more Mindset based. And then the second 10 will be more parenting Child Communication Based. Okay. But first, before we get going, if you love this episode, I wanted to let you know that we do have a program called no drama communication program. That includes 20 of these, say this, not that educational tips. And each one actually comes with his own short video to explain easily how to implement the change into your daily walk, your daily life. So that program is available as available as an add on to our Ferman kind parenting blueprint, which is always available over on our shop page or the cool thing about the no drama communication program is it’s always available for our bonfire support members in their private member dashboard.
Wendy:
So our full bond for our support program. Again, you guys is currently open for enrollment through February 4th, and I would absolutely love to welcome you into that community. You can head on over to Fresh Start Family, online.com and click the community tab at the top to join. And if you’re listening to this after that, don’t worry, just hop on the wait list. And I’ll be sure to let you know when doors open again, this community is seriously on fire. You guys with parents who are using positive parenting to transform their minds, their hearts, and their home families who take part in that program, take a consistent approach to learning and implementing positive parenting into their lives.
Wendy:
Because again, in my journey, it was the consistency that helped me get to where I want it to be. Remember, 10 years ago, I was extremely stressed as a mom. I had such low confidence. I was struggling with anxiety every day. And I honestly, there were many days when I just did not want to be a mom anymore. I did not like the journey. I did not like my child. Honestly. I always say that out loud because it’s very important for many of you to hear me say that it’s okay to have thoughts like that. That parenting is the hardest job on the planet. However, you don’t have to stay in that valley. But for me, the consistency along with the mentorship is what brought me out of it and allowed me to become fluent of the, in the language.
Wendy:
So to speak a positive parenting and really has allowed me now to create the family of my dreams, my family now, my daughter’s 14, my son’s 11. I found the work when she was three, but we’re thriving. We’re thriving. Like I can’t even tell you how good it feels to feel like you are a thriving family unit and feel like you have kids that respect your roles and that you have incredibly strong relationships with them. So, but this program really is on fire with parents using this work to transform their minds, hearts and homes and families really are understanding that when you do things slow and steady, then that’s what actually leads to change.
Wendy:
So the cool thing about the bonfire is it’s set up to do small amounts of learning each month. So you have access to certified positive parenting educator. So you can ask questions about your own unique challenges, right? I can’t tell you how many times I get DMS from you guys. I love your DM questions, but because we pour into supporting our, our support members through our bonfire, through our coaching there, I can’t always, you know, I can’t answer questions on Instagram in the way that they really deserve to be answered. Right? I think parenting questions can be a little bit deeper and they require a little higher level of coaching and attention. And that’s what we do inside the bonfire.
Wendy:
But families that are in this program also are kept accountable to actually applying what they learned to actually pushing play on lessons. They actually stay encouraged by celebrating each other’s wins and successes, and they stay wildly inspired and encourage with week weekly FaceTime with me, yours truly. I host two, usually two live sessions a week for my private bonfire support community. And one, one day of the week, we celebrate successes. And then the other, the day of the week, we do live coaching. And it’s just amazing. So here’s what a member recently said about one of our weekly live coaching sessions. She said, hello, tuning in from snowy, sunny, Colorado.
Wendy:
So happy to be here. The bonfire has quickly become my favorite time of the week. I’m excited to learn and grow. I thought that was an awesome, just quick, punchy way to show you how excited our members really do get. And seriously, we hear this all the time. So once parents no longer see learning positive parenting as overwhelming, they find massive amounts of joy in gathering together in community to expand their hearts, learn new tools and strengthen their families. So the group momentum part of the bond fire is just incredible. And seriously, you guys, results are freaking insane. Like I, every single year that goes by my mind becomes more blown by the successes that are happening within this community.
Wendy:
So we now have a Google doc filled with success stories that are over 700 pages long. You guys it’s nuts. It’s amazing. So these are families that share in the same struggles that you do and had the courage to get support. And now are seeing huge results with increased cooperation and strengthened relationships and less aggression in their home and more confidence and better listening and their kids, the list just goes on and on. And it’s awesome. So every Monday, as I said, we gather to celebrate these success stories. And most Mondays straight up you guys on that live feed, I am brought to tears. You can ask anybody in the bonfire that attends our live coaching sessions.
Wendy:
There’s usually not a Monday that goes by that. I’m just not crying with joy because I am so inspired by the families in this group. So these are the families who take action to create the families of their dreams. And many of them are ending painful generational cycles, but they really do just light me up and inspire me deeply. So in case you can’t tell this community that I pour my heart into mentoring, encouraging and supporting is my favorite part of my job as founder of Fresh Start Family. And I just cannot wait to welcome you to so, all right, you guys, so with all that said, remember, you can join the bonfire by heading to Fresh Start Family, online.com and clicking the community tab at the top, but just remember doors do close soon.
Wendy:
Do do close soon. All right. So what do you say, are you ready to hop into my say this? Not that tips. All right, let’s do this. All right. So here is the list of really kind of the self-talk that we tend to say, or the, or the words that come out through our self-talk that I want you to try replacing. So the first one is, this is hard. Second one. I should have third one. I need to fourth one. I just can’t five, the fifth one. It’s just that. six. I second. Guess myself seven. I’m fine.
Wendy:
Eight I’m afraid nine. I feel like that. and then 10. Never, always, constantly. All right. So let’s start with number one. So again, you’ll hear my, if you ask any of my members, if you happen to have a friend in the program, you will know that the, they get pop quizzes all the time. When I say, when I hear somebody say hard, I will pop quiz on them and say, Hey guys, let’s give so-and-so whether it’s Sarah or Courtney or Laura or whoever it may be that I’m coaching in that moment. Let’s give them some ideas on how they can reframe this. Because I personally myself have outlawed hard from my language, hard, tough.
Wendy:
I will catch myself every single time now and say, actually, let me re let me reframe that. Let me re-say that because I have personally enjoyed learning so much about how oftentimes we are the ones who define what heart is, and we are the ones that can actually make things harder than they need to be. So, instead of hard, I want you to say things like this is new. This is a journey. This is requiring courage of me. This is uncomfortable for me because I’m not used to it, but you’ll find that when you say this to yourself, you actually open up the doors for you to believe that it doesn’t have to be so tough, right?
Wendy:
So some examples are, you know, that I hear in the group a lot is it’s just so hard to not react. It’s just so hard to be patient. It’s just so tough to know what to say, but here’s the thing about hard families who is defining what is hard. It’s us. We are defining what is hard, what is tough, right? Some synonyms for hard and tough are like stressful and strenuous and exhausting. Those are the words I think of, right. And who is telling us that what is going to be hard it’s us. So we have the ability to change our mindset, to see things in a new light, because there’s nothing written in stone to define what is hard in life and what is easy, or what is new or what is a journey.
Wendy:
So I want you to play around with this, and I just want to give you some examples. So we have the ability, for instance, to see responding to misbehavior instead of reacting, or, or maybe we, we have the ability to show compassion or slow down, or have patience and keep our nervous systems settled as easy and yelling or snapping at our kids as hard, right? We have the ability to see stepping to the side of a power struggle, or doing a pause button. So we can access our creative brains as, as easy and rushing to fix a situation by threatening or intimidating or yelling, whatever it may be as hard, hard on our minds, hard on our hearts, hard on our relationships, hard on our nervous systems.
Wendy:
We have the ability to see giving our kids, grace and teaching with compassionate discipline, as easy versus hurting our kids, and then telling them that it’s not okay to hurt people or that if they make a mistake, they are bad or that they better be scared of you or a consequence. If they dare mess up, we have the ability to see that as hard, we have the ability to see empowering our kids to stick up for themselves. When someone else does something unkind to them, or, you know, messes with them as easy or a journey or whatever you want to call it and fixing or solving their problems by helicopter parenting as hard.
Wendy:
And we have the ability to see co-regulation with our child when they are all out of sorts and acting freaking Cray, Cray as easy, because we are deeply connected to them and have an innate ability to help them calm down by staying calm. Right? We have that ability just like we did when we carried them in our room or help them settle as a fussy colleague infant. And then we have the ability to see separating ourselves or refusing to believe that we’re capable of staying calm when they’re freaking out. We have the ability to see that as hard. So you get the idea, right?
Wendy:
What if we stopped telling ourselves that the things that we want to do in, when it comes to positive parenting and creating the family of our dreams that we know is going to help us have strong relationships and joint in our parenting walk. What if we started to just think of those things as easy, as new, as a journey and the other things that we don’t want to do as hard, I know it would help us tremendously. Okay. So I get it. I know it takes work to change habits. I know it takes work. It takes work to learn a new way and to do things differently. I just am encouraging you to switch up that word and take a break from saying hard and have fun with it. You guys, I honestly, I swear to you.
Wendy:
I have so much fun. It’s been about, I think a year and a half or two years since I quit using the word hard. And I love it when I catch myself and I, when I reframe it every time I reframe it to new or a journey or a process or whatever it may be, it always feels so much better. So instead, I want you to say, this is new to me to use compassionate discipline instead of threatening a spanking. This is a journey to learn how to respond to my child without threatening them. This is requiring courage of me to trust that I can calmly step to the side and also be a firm kind leader in my home.
Wendy:
This is uncomfortable for me because I’m not used to it. However, I am committed to doing this because I want to see the kind of results in my home that I’m wanting. I want my kids to stop hitting. I want to stop yelling. I want to do X, Y, and Z. So this is new. This is a journey for me. This is requiring courage of me. Okay. All right. So number two should have, oh my goodness. You guys, we need to stop with the sheds. Have you ever heard that saying, it’s something like don’t shit on yourself. I love it. So again, oftentimes you’ll hear me in my coaching, encourage parents to reframe the should haves.
Wendy:
So, and this is what I encourage you to do instead is to say to yourself instead, and oftentimes this list that we’re going through right now, this will come out in conversation, right? To your husband or your friend, or this comes out in my student’s language to me, if I’m coaching them, or they’re asking a question, I know I should have done this, but really you guys, what happens in the past is always something we can learn from mistakes are always opportunities to learn. Or when things get really messy, we always have the ability to learn from them. So we don’t need to be hard on ourselves. We don’t need to think we should’ve known the answers. We just need to look at what happened, learn from it, get supported.
Wendy:
If you don’t know what to do to create positive change next time. And that’s what families do in the bonfire, right? They’re actually able to ask questions or they’re able to just go find the lesson in the video library and actually push play so they can get refreshed. Like, how do I do this again? How do I do compassionate discipline instead of threatening, or just taking away something or grounding, whatever it may be. How do I do this? Let me go find the answers, but you always want to look at what happened in the past and just say to yourself, okay.. Hey, parents, listen up. Have you heard about the coolest new interactive learning toys for kiddos called tonieboxes, designed for a little listeners ages three plus they are the perfect storytime companion for tiny hands and active imaginations.
Wendy:
The Toniebox is an imagination building screen free digital listening experience that plays stories, songs, and morph that Toniebox comes to life when paired with their whimsical collection of Toniess, which are hand painted characters with hours of stories, to tell worlds, to explore and songs, to sing. Plus parents, you can record and store up to 90 minutes of custom content, which makes it so cool for parents and grandparents who want to connect with their littlest loved ones from near or far. And let me just tell you, these little boxes are the talk of the town in my neighborhood right now, because a few months back, I had the opportunity to give my son and a little neighbor with a Toniebox.
Wendy:
And they both loved them. My son has been listening to disperse, despicable me, and diary of a wimpy kid at bedtime each night. In addition to his nature sounds that he uses to help himself fall asleep. And my neighbor has sent me numerous texts about how in love her son is with his Toniebox. Her exact words were, he totally gets mesmerized listening to his Toniebox. And her texts included pictures of her little guy peacefully, laying down, listening to his car story, which is a big deal since she just had her third child. And we all know how challenging that season of life can be when you bring home a new baby and you have other children at home to care for too. Plus I saw firsthand when I watch these little neighbor boys one night, so their parents could speak out for a date night that this is so loved and enjoyed.
Wendy:
At one point we were eating pizza at the dinner table and our littlest friend who’s a little under two years old, was sitting on his knees and just couldn’t stop wiggling his body dancing along to jungle book while he happily ate his vegetables and pizza. It was awesome to watch. I’m so happy to tell you that Toniebox is currently offering our community a Fresh Start Family Show listeners, 15% off a Toni box starter kit using the discount code Toniepodcast. You can head to Tonies.com to learn more and get your first Toniebox. I can see this being the perfect birthday gift or just an investment into your own sanity mama. Cause you know, you love it when your kiddo is actually able to entertain themselves.
Wendy:
So you can sneak in a hot shower. Imagine that, all right, go check out. Tonies after today’s episode, but for now, let’s get back to the show. I now have an idea of what I want to do next time. And so your language becomes, okay, so this is what I learned, and this is what I want to do next time. Okay. Which leads me to the next one, which is the common language of, I need to, oh, I need to, I’ll hear this a lot from some bonfire support families who maybe, you know, after a few months they haven’t come to a live session or they haven’t pushed play on a lesson.
Wendy:
By the way, lessons are totally short and doable. The community has a new lesson every month where we focus on it as a community. And it’s usually anywhere from 35 minutes to an hour. And so, you know, when you just have that as your assignment for one month, you can do it right. But of course we we’re all human. We sometimes fall behind. And so I’ll hear families say, oh my God, they’ll DM me or email me and say, oh my gosh, I miss you guys. Like I need to get back in the program. I’ve been, I’ve been slipping and I’ve been going back to my old ways of threatening or, you know, things have gotten really messy in our home. So I need to push plan lessons. I need to get back to the coaching. And I always just reply with a big virtual hug.
Wendy:
And I say, girl, you don’t need to do anything. You are keeping those kids alive. You’re keeping them fed. You’re keeping a warm roof over their head. You’re keeping them clothed. You’re loving them. You don’t need to do anything. You’re an amazing mom. You’re an amazing parent. You want to, you want to get back to the bonfire or you want to start attending coaching sessions again, or you want to push play on that lesson that you never finished, right? You want to, because you know, it feels good to be in community. You know, it feels good to find creative solutions. You know, it feels good to be able to ask a question or find the answers or feel empowered.
Wendy:
You want to write so often I also hear this up in, like, I know I need to be more patient with my kids. Well, again, it’s not that you need to, like, you can do whatever the heck you want. Like you’re a grownup, right? You want to be more patient because it doesn’t rattle your nervous system. Right? Like every time we freak out on our kids or snap at them or cut them off or whatever, it may be, it rattles our nervous system. And that creates stress in our bodies. And none of us want that, right? Like we want to be able to take deep breaths and slow down and be able to respond instead of react when challenges come our way. So instead of need to, I want you to start catching yourself and instead say, I want to, all right, next one is I can’t.
Wendy:
I hear this all the time. It is so common. Instead. I want you to say I haven’t developed the skill set yet. So this last podcast episode that we did this last week with our dear friend, Corey grizzly was all about the power of yet. If you haven’t listened to that episode yet, make sure you go check it out. I believe it was episode one, 12. So you can head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/112, but it was all about the power of yet. So I haven’t developed that skill set yet. So a lot of times this is how this will show up for us as parents. And again, a lot of times it’s in our heads, but oftentimes we’ll say it to other people is I just can’t stop yelling.
Wendy:
I just can’t understand why my child will not listen. I just cannot figure out why they keep doing it after I’ve told them not to. But can’t literally tell your brain that you are incapable and that it is impossible. And it is absolute BS. You guys, every single one of us is capable of doing whatever we set our minds to. And yes, every single one of us is capable of stopping a yelling habit. Every single one of us is capable of slowing down and responding versus reacting. Every single one of us is capable of implementing compassionate discipline into our home and taking a break from punishment, right?
Wendy:
Whatever it may be. Every single one of us is capable. We just haven’t developed the skill set yet, right? Like we just don’t have the tools in our toolkit yet. But with the right support, with the right mentorship, with the right people around you, cheering you on, anything is possible. And again, we see it over and over again. People who thought they couldn’t and then they come into the bonfire and six months, a year later, they are part of that 700 page success story saying, holy smokes, you guys. I did it. I did it this morning. The kids were fighting and I did not freak out on them. I mentored them with compassion, you know, peaceful, conflict resolution, mentorship, whatever it may be. And they actually worked out their own on their own.
Wendy:
Or you guys, I did it. I actually walked away when my child did X, Y, and Z, and my child ran to their room and then came down 15 minutes later with an apology note all on their own. And I literally did nothing except for walk away. Right? Like you hear it all the time, but you have to be the one to believe that you can, you just haven’t developed the skill set yet. Okay. Next one is, it’s just dot, dot dot. Now I’ve noticed this over the past few weeks with Terry and I, so, and I thought I’d put it on this list. That’s a little bit of a newer one for me to self, you know, redirect. But it’s an important one. And here’s why it always shows up with a tone of resignation and victimhood is what I’m observing.
Wendy:
And so instead I want us to just either say aloud or acknowledged to ourself in this moment. I think I’m probably just feeling powerless or it feels like this might just be too much for me to handle, but I know I have choices. So let me give you an example. See if I can think of one, it’ll come out like this. It’s just, you know, it’s just over and over again. It just keeps happening. It’s just, it’s just too much. It’s just, it’s just not okay. It’s just, you know, how long is it going to take? It’s just right. Like, do you hear that any time we have this tone of resignation in victimhood, we are going to feel disempowered and we’re going to feel like the world is against us.
Wendy:
Our hands are tied and there’s no way out. So instead it’s just, just, just recognize. I’m just feeling powerless in this moment. It just seems like a lot to handle. I might feel scared that I can’t handle this on my own, or I feel scared that I’m not going to know what to do and I have choices. Okay. All right. Next one is I just second guess myself. I’m second guessing myself. Was that the right decision? Right? So we’ll say this in our head. We’ll say it to other people, but instead I want you to shift into this kind of thought pattern. I’m inspired by myself that I made a decision and I will make it the best decision, right?
Wendy:
Decisions are never right or wrong. You guys, we have the ability to make that decision, the best decision we’ve ever made. And yes, if we make a decision and then later think I wish I would have gone in a different direction, then do what you need to do and then move in a different direction if that makes sense. But second guessing ourself doesn’t do anything except for lower or confidence. So instead of second guessing again, I want you to say to yourself, you know what? I made a decision and I’m inspired by the fact that I made a decision and now I’m going to make it the best decision. These are the cards in it that are now on the table, and now I’m gonna move forward with them. Right? I hear this a lot with, with students and support members who are like, oh my gosh, maybe I should have said something different to my kid.
Wendy:
Or maybe I shouldn’t have let them go to that birthday party. Or maybe I shouldn’t have been so hard on them. Right. Instead of second, guessing yourself again, just say, I made that decision in the moment. I’ve got 10,000 things going along, going on right now. I’m juggling literally 1 million balls. And I did the best that I could in that moment. And now I’m going to make it the best decision. If I need to repair a relationship, if I need to make amends, if I need to change, course I’ll do it, but I’m not going to beat myself up. And I’m not going to second guess myself. Okay, next one is, I’m fine. Oh my goodness. You hear this so much, especially when, well, there’s a few different ways.
Wendy:
This shows up a lot of times, we’ll say this when we don’t really want to like handle a challenge or a situation, or maybe we don’t want to talk to our spouse or, you know, maybe a child is trying to apol trying to apologize or something. And we’ll say something like, I’m fine. I’m fine. Just let me be when really we’re not fine. Right. Or maybe you’ll say it in your head when something is like, like dinging on your radar, your moral radar or your moral compass radar. That’s like, this is not okay. This does not feel good. You know, maybe it’s like shows up in the area of like, you have people telling you the only way to get your toddler to listen is to hit them.
Wendy:
Or the only way to get your kids to be good kind. Human beings is to scare the S out of them or to make sure they fear a consequence. Like there’s going to be things where your moral compass is going to be like, Ooh, that doesn’t feel right when I implement this. Or when I yell at my child or when I threatened them or when I hold them down or when I grabbed their wrist too hard or whatever, it may be. It’s chaos, chaos. It feels like it just feels not. Okay. And then you might want us, you might have a tendency to say to yourself, well, it’s fine. Everything’s fine. My kids are going to be fine. Well, no, I don’t want you to say that anymore. I want you to say, this feels uncomfortable.
Wendy:
I am processing emotions and I’m not quite to neutral yet. So what do I need to do here to feel better? But I’m fine is, is something that I just want us to consider that we should take a break from you also hear this a ton in parenting, right? Like I was raised, you know, with X, Y, and Z, like I got the belt growing up, someone will say, someone said on an ad once of mine, that I was like promoting a free, compassionate discipline class, broke my heart. But she said, you know, I grew up with my dad giving me the belt till I was 17 years old. And I’m fine. And literally that post, like, bro, I made that comment. It like Welles up tears in my eyes because I have such a strong emotion of that to begin with.
Wendy:
But to hear her think that she’s fine is, is just heartbreaking to me. The goal in life, you guys is not to be fine. The goal in life is to thrive and it’s okay to be sad and hurt and angry and happy and joyful and all the things, but like numb and fine is I believe not the goal. So instead if you catch yourself saying that like, I’m fine, I’m fine. Or telling people I’m fine instead. Just say, you know, I think I’m just processing some emotions right now. And I’m, and I’m not quite to neutral yet. For me, this shows up most in relationships when I’m in like a disagreement. So to speak with say my daughter or my husband.
Wendy:
And I think I’ve come a long way over the past few years to be able to say, I just need some time. I just need some time right now. I’m not quite to a neutral space yet. My daughter will often say to me, mama, I just want you to be happy. Like last night we had a disagreement because she would not get off the couch and let the dog in. And I was just like, oh my gosh, I got so annoyed. And it turned into like a big, a bigger thing of like the, it was a spotlight actually being shined on the fact that we need, I need to set firmer boundaries when it comes to like chores and housework. And so today I got up and I created a new routine. We have new charts, we had a family meeting. Everything’s good now. But last night I was definitely a little triggered.
Wendy:
And she came in afterwards. She was like, mama, I’m sorry. Like, can, can you just be happy? And I was like, honey, I just need some time to process emotions. I am not quite yet to neutral yet. And you can be, you can go to bed and your happiness and your joy going to bed is not dependent on me being happy. And I’m just not quite there yet. So let’s get a full night’s rest and we’ll talk in the morning. Right. But I’ve had to replace the I’m fine because it’s, it’s BS. I’m not fine. Right. So anyways, think about it, ponder that. Okay. Next one is, I’m afraid. So instead of I am, when it comes to afraid, especially, but any, anything, I am like angry, afraid, hurt.
Wendy:
I want you to just instead to start saying, I feel because I, again, I believe that it’s very powerful. The words that you say to, to yourself and that you say out loud, and I am statements is all about who you are as a human being, who God designed you to be. So, you know, everyone should have a personal declaration statement. We make these in our freedom to be course, which by the way, I’m so excited for, we are teaching our first in-person live freedom to be course at the end of February and beautiful sunny San Diego. If you’re interested, you could join at freshstartfamilyonline.com/freedomcourse.
Wendy:
And if you’re listening after that, we’ll have a wait list for the next time we do an online version each year and in in-person each year, but this is a life coaching course that changed my life 10 years ago. And now I get to teach it. It’s absolutely amazing. But this personal declaration statements or, you know, I am statements as something we do in that weekend course. And that is about who you are day in, day out, who God designed you to be the gifts that he blessed you with your personality, like all the things. So my I am statement is I am patient courageous, courageous Christ centered and loving, like that’s who I am.
Wendy:
And let me tell you that patient is not how I always feel, but I put that in there because I want to believe that about myself. Right? So I love playing around with personal declaration statements. But when it comes to feelings, especially like afraid, scared, mad, all the things. I don’t want you to define yourself as that. Right? Like, I don’t want you to think that you’re just the mom that flies off the handle all the time. No, you just feel mad in that moment. You just feel angry when your kid pulls the dog’s tail for the 17th time in one day, right? It’s just a feelings, feeling feelings, come and go just like rainstorms, right? They’re not who you are. So if, even if you are someone who feels scared often, which by the way, a few years ago, I realized I all, I often feel scared.
Wendy:
And for years I was just like glossing over it and trying to avoid it because I grew up in a home where it was not cool to feel scared, like you were weak or, you know, I just grew up in the country with an older brother that was like tough and rode in pickup trucks and swim in the river. So like feeling scared was never something that was like encouraged. But I realized a few years ago that I feel scared often. And so instead of sort of saying, I’m scared, I’m afraid. I’m so mad. I, it matters. It’s a slight difference, but it matters. I just want you to start saying, I feel so mad right now, or I feel scared. I feel scared. Right? Okay. Next one is, I feel like instead, I want you to say, I feel so you’ll, I’ll see this show up a lot for, and again, we talk to ourselves in our head and then we also talked to other people like this, but I guarantee you parents, anytime you are talking to someone and you say, I just feel like bop, bop, bot.
Wendy:
You’re actually not feeling now here at Fresh Start Family. We believe feeling and actually like experiencing your emotions and letting them come and go becoming aware of them, having emotional literacy. It is an absolute ticket to freedom. Like you will be such a more confident parent, such a more confident human being. If you can understand what your feelings feel like and understand that there are no bad feelings and what it looks like to actually process them in a healthy way. But when we say, I feel like it’s usually present when we’re venting, complaining, talking about someone behind their back often that can be our right. If we’re venting, after they go to bed or something and it’ll show up like this, I just feel like he’s never listening.
Wendy:
I feel like you are not getting what I’m saying right now. I feel like this is never going to get better. I feel like this is just like a constant run around. I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. Can you relate? Okay. So I feel like right, instead it to, to redo it, it looks like this. I feel scared that this is not going to change. I feel, I feel mad when you hit your sister. I feel hurt when you roll your eyes at me, I feel scared that I can’t handle this.
Wendy:
All. I feel scared that I don’t know the answers right now. I feel scared that someone’s going to get hurt, like all these things, but what just have it be a little trigger for you when you catch yourself thinking or saying, I feel like ask yourself, am I really saying how I feel? Or am I just going into like event mode? Venting is never helpful. You guys sharing with other people or thinking about how you’re actually feeling, always helpful, always connecting with people that you love or connecting and self compassionate with yourself. Well, Hey there, families. I want to take a moment to tell you about Troomi wireless and why I am so excited to be teaming up with them to support you and your family.
Wendy:
When you use the code FreshStart during the month of January and sign up for a discovery plan, you’ll get a free Troomi A12 kid safe device. Yes. Free parents. Now I can’t tell you how excited I am to now officially be partnering with Troomi because I am just so dang passionate about keeping iPhones out of kids’ hands for as long as possible, because I’ve seen firsthand just how fruitful this strong limit is per kids and families. Both of my kids are now rocking troomi phones instead of iPhones out in the world. And it gives me the ability to call them when they’re at a friend’s house. And I want to say good night, and I love you. Or maybe I’m late to pick them up from volleyball or skateboarding.
Wendy:
And it helps me to feel like they’re safe if they’re riding their bikes to school and were to need me at any time. But with Troomi phones, kids are kept safe from the dangers of untethered access to the internet, social apps and online gaming, plus all the other stuff that comes along with regular smartphones. And trust me, parents, there are many the addiction. So many kids have the iPhones and the awful stuff. So many get exposed to from such a young age is something we can all prevent. If we can just find the courage to be different and go the true me route, just head to troomi.com and enter this special code FreshStart at checkout to get this incredible deal.
Wendy:
Okay. Back to the show. Okay. The last one for this section is never, always and constantly. So these are what we call scarcity words. We have a full lesson and our bonfire support program, all about scarcity versus abundance thinking. And these are some of the biggest words that we show up when, when we, so myself and my staff of positive parenting educator, we have the most amazing team of positive parenting educators within the bond fair support program. That answer questions and just love on our families. Celebrate success stories. I just love, love my team that helps me with the bond fair support program, but we can always tell a parent is stuck in scarcity thinking when these words come out and I can always tell myself.
Wendy:
So last night as I was talking with Stella before we went to bed and we were kind of in a heightened state over these chores, I caught myself a few times saying like you are constantly, right? So, and this is how it shows up. Let me give you some more example that we, that we hear from students that we have the honor of helping them to reframe. So my child literally never listens to what I say. My like my five-year-old is always getting in trouble at school. My daughter is constantly, constantly talking back or you get the idea, right?
Wendy:
When really one of the activities we did in our, in our activity this month at the bonfire. So we did ours our less than this month inside of the bonfire support community that we focused on as a, as a community was all about mindset training. You’ve probably heard me. I’ve been speaking on Instagram about this a lot. I’ve been mentoring my bonfire, support community students, all about this, but our lesson was all about it. And one of the things we studied was how to disprove automatic negative thoughts. And part of the process that we study together that I teach is to actually ask yourself, is this a hundred percent true? Is this statement a hundred percent true? And I guarantee you guys, when you have the thoughts of my kids are constantly fighting.
Wendy:
Is that a hundred percent true? It’s not, it’s not. It would literally be impossible for your children to constantly be fighting all day long. No, I know they might fight a lot. I hear you have kids that bicker and fight a lot, but they’re not constantly fighting. They’re not always pushing back. Right? It’s, it’s absolutely false. So I want you to instead say things like my kids often fight. My child has a tendency to push back a lot, or there are many times throughout the day when my child is having a meltdown, but don’t put your word, those words on yourself. Don’t tell yourself that the situation is worse than it is because you’re going to ask with, and I don’t want you to do that.
Wendy:
I want you to, again, remember, this is just a challenge that you’re currently facing and there is light at the end of the tunnel. As long as you get support and find the answers that you need, try something different tomorrow and have the courage to keep trying until you find success. Remember, failure is just success unfinished. Okay? You guys, well, let’s get to the second section where I’m going to give you some fun redirections or communication tweaks when you’re actually speaking to your children. Now, remember all of these that I go through are inside of our no drama communications program. It’s available as an add-on in our firm kind, parenting blueprint. That’s available over on our shop page on the fresh start family website, or this is also in our bond fair support community.
Wendy:
So every single person, that’s a bonfire member has the ability to access this entire program. And this is a really powerful program where I go into a lot more detail about each of these, but let’s look at each one. So first one is don’t don’t do that. Do not do that right. Instead of saying don’t or when you catch yourself saying don’t to your kid, I want you to instead say, what is it that I want from them? What do I want to ask them to do? Instead of saying, do not hit your brother. I want you to instead say something like, please keep your hands to yourself with your brother. Do not pull the dog’s tail. I want you to say, please show me how you pet the dog carefully or pet the dog gently, or do not run out in the road or do not run in the parking lot.
Wendy:
I want you to say, Hey guys, I want you to show me how you can stay close to me or hold my hand really tight in the parking lot. Right? So when you ask your kids for what you want, that is what they will focus on. I do an exercise in the foundations course or foundations course here at Fresh Start Family where I say, okay, right now picture like close your eyes, everyone close their eyes. We’ll do it right now. Okay. Close your eyes. If you’re driving you, can’t obviously close your eyes. Now do not picture a giant pink elephant.
Wendy:
How many of you guys actually pictured something else? Like a cheetah or a bird or whatever, like, or did a hundred percent of you only picture the giant pink elephant, right? It’s not powerful. So let’s like, take a break from saying don’t and instead say, this is what I want you to do. Okay. So second one is let’s take a break from saying, stop it, stop yelling, or be quiet again. This is a version of what I just told you, but I want you to say something like, please talk softly or whisper you guys.
Wendy:
The power of a whisper is I swear, amazing. So many discount, the whisper, it gets kids attention or something like, I love your singing and I need you to be outside or in the playroom if you want to sing loud. Right? So those are some ideas for that one. The next one is do it now or do it or else, right? Raise your hand. If you’ve ever said that, I want you to take a break from that and try saying something like, would you like to do it on your own or have me help you another, another way that we’ll say this as like, I’ve asked you three times do it now. Right? Instead, would you like to do it on your own?
Wendy:
Or would you like to have me help you? An example would be okay. It’s time to leave. Would you like to put on your shoes by yourself or have me help you? Or would you like to hop in your car seat by yourself or have me plop you down in it? So the thing with this one, you guys is, most kids respond incredibly well to being empowered. So give them a choice and their critical thinking skills will override their temptation to put, push back, especially if you have a power kid. Okay. The next one is let’s take a break from saying shame on you, or you should know better. So raise your hand. If anyone of you, any of you were raised in a home that shame on you was common.
Wendy:
So I was raised in an Irish Catholic home, where shame on you was one of the biggest ways that, you know, my mom thought it was going to influence me. And to this day, I will tell you that I’ve done some work around it. The last few years. I didn’t quite realize how that assignment of shame really, really did affect me. And we’re never ever here to come down on our parents. Like our parents did the best that they could with the tool set that they had, right? The toolkit that they had. And now that we know better, we get to do better. But shame on you was something that was definitely said in my house. And I will tell you it’s, it’s taken me a few years to really be able to shake that and realize how to let that go.
Wendy:
And it’s been an awesome journey. But instead of saying those things, instead of saying shame on you, or you should know better, I want you to instead say something like, what did you learn from this mistake? So the example would be, what did you learn and how will you do it differently next time? So you don’t get in trouble at school, right? Mistakes are opportunities to learn. You guys. We don’t have to take mistakes. So seriously, 98% of the time you guys, our children’s mistakes are totally repairable. And I know they can be uncomfortable. And I know they can make you scared about the future for your kids, but mistakes are incredible opportunities to learn.
Wendy:
So just start asking your kids, what did you learn from this mistake? So focusing on motivation to change behavior for the future will get you much better results than placing shame on past misbehavior. I promise you, okay, the next one is, hurry up. How many of you say hurry up? Oh my gosh, you guys, the thing about using a rush tone with our kids is it doesn’t work. It just flusters everyone more and just gets everyone all tense and like in this reactive state, so hurry up or we’re going to be late again or your shoes instead. I want you to have fun with it, to calm down. And remember that being somewhere on time does not define your worth.
Wendy:
I know that’s very hard for many of us, but you are an incredible parent, even if you’re a few minutes late, that’s the first thing. And I want you to just slow down and act purposely instead of urgently. And you can try to say something like this. We are on cheetah time today, you guys, and we need to move fast. Okay. Kids, especially young kids respond incredibly well to like animals, or if you have a little bit older kids to athletes, right? Like we were just watching football the other night and I don’t know their names, but Terry and Terrin were like, oh my gosh, like so-and-so Mahoen or I forget his name. They’re like, dang, he’s fast. Right? So you could say, Hey, we’re on my own time today. I don’t even know if my phone is as a football player.
Wendy:
We’re on my own time today and we need to move fast. Okay, guys, I’ll see you in the car or we’re on cheetah time and we got to move fast. We got 10 minutes till we’re supposed to be at church. We can do this. We got this or another example. We’re on racehorse time today. Let’s see how fast we can move. So the, the kicker with this, you guys is just be sure to let them be on turtle time sometimes because we like nobody wants to live in a family. That’s always on freaking race, horse time. It’s stressful, right? Like we all need to slow down sometimes and we could all use a healthy dose of slowing down. So just make sure you’re providing mornings where everyone is relaxed and the kids can move slow and tell them on Saturday morning, like we’re on turtle time today.
Wendy:
You guys can chill. We’re not in a hurry. Hooray. Okay. All right. Next one is it’s time to go now or five minute warning. I know a lot of you are like what? Yes. I am encouraging you to take a break from the warnings and the time to go now. Okay. This just kind of, again, puts kids on edge and I believe almost ignites their amygdala, which is that like part of the brain that’s responsible for the fight flight or freeze. It’s like danger. There’s an alarm. That’s going to go off in five minutes and then you’re going to be taken away from your time at the park. And you’re just going to be whisked away. Right? Like that’s the feeling I get.
Wendy:
If someone were to come in and be like, Wendy, five minute warning. If I was recording this podcast or something and I was at time. So instead I want you to be proactive any like whenever you can, I want you to, this is a practice, but I want you to start becoming more proactive and start giving your kids an option. Do you want to leave now? Or in five minutes? Or even if you really got to go, do you want to leave now? Or do you want one more minute to play? And we’ll leave in one minute. Which one do you choose? So this is what you want to take a break from time to go now, five minute warning, all that kind of stuff. So the example is, do you guys want to leave now or play 10 more minutes, then leave.
Wendy:
And just know that kids love to be in charge of their own destiny. You guys especially power kids. So this takes a, like I said, a tad bit of proactivity, but it works like a freaking charm. I promise you give them a choice and they’ll respond much better when you say, okay, you guys, 10 minutes is up. It’s time to go. Now I know a lot of you are thinking right now. Well, what if your child still doesn’t come after the 10 minutes? And that’s why you’re going to get into the bonfire so I can answer your question. Okay? Cause I have an answer for you, but just get yourself into the bonfire and trust me before you doubt this stuff, I want you to give it a good go. Okay. So start practicing at the park.
Wendy:
I cannot tell you how many meltdowns I see at the park. I’m not at the park that much anymore because my kids are older. But when I was younger, I would just see this all the time. Kids just melting down having tantrums when their parents had to pull them from the monkey bars, because they didn’t want to go. And I just, every single time, I felt like I knew in my heart that if they would have given him a choice and empowered them, they would have had a much higher rate of cooperation. Okay. All right. The next one is stop whining. Oh my gosh. Kids can be annoying. Sometimes let’s be honest. Right? But you guys, most of the time, when we say that, stop whining or can’t understand you.
Wendy:
It doesn’t work. And it’s actually not true. We can understand our children. We are advocates for being honest with our children here at Fresh Start Family. Instead, I want you to say, stop, breathe. Now. Ask me for what you want. And if they keep going, well, why you got this? Let’s try again. Stop, breathe. Okay. Now ask me for what you want. All right. So the example is let’s stop, breathe together. Now, try again and ask me for what you want. And so just, I want to make sure that you’re modeling this too. I don’t want you to just tell your kids. I want you to stop, breathe, and then ask me for what you want. I want you to actually do it with them.
Wendy:
Like you just heard me. Okay. And then just keep repeating it calmly while breathing with them until they can self calm and manage the way that they’re talking in a way that’s easier for you to understand. Okay. All right. Next one is be good. Let’s take a break from this. You guys, because our kids are always, always good. They’re always good when they leave your house. I know it can be. It’s just a habit. I think for so many of us, when our kids going on play dates, or when we’re saying goodbye to them, as they run off to kindergarten or wherever, okay. Be good today. But what does that really mean? It doesn’t like it to me, it means that if you make a mistake today, I’m going to label you as bad.
Wendy:
And then I’m going to be mad and then there’s going to be danger. And then you’re going to like question your belonging and your uncle, like all the things, right? No, you’re good. All the time kid, just today. I want you to respect yourself and others when you’re inside the jumpy or like really respect yourself. And others is my go-to as a replacement for be good. Or you can fill in the blanks with whatever you want them to do that day. Be kind to yourself and others, be sure, like to have courage to say no, like my daughter is a teenager now. Right? So when she leaves like that, that’s something that I should be saying to her. Like I haven’t basically ever said be good since I learned this a decade ago, that was an easier one for me to give up.
Wendy:
But it, that it just like inspires myself right now to say to her, okay, honey, like have fun and remember be kind and have courage to say no to your friends. Okay. I love you. Bye. As she drives away on her e-bike and, and again, be specific here as kids often don’t observe the general statements we throw at them. So ask for what you want and have them restate what is important to remember. Right? So, Mike, again, if I were to give that example with Stella, as she drives away, you know, I could stop her and say, okay, so what, what, what are you going to do out in the world? I’m going to be kind and I’m going to make sure I have, I’m going to have courage to say no to my friend’s mom and be like, okay, thanks, bye.
Wendy:
Right? Like having them repeat stuff can be really helpful. Okay. You guys, two more? Don’t cry. Let’s take a break from saying, don’t cry. You guys. I have the cutest group of kids on my block. I swear. We have like 15 children underneath the age of five. I love my block. I love the moms on this block. I love the kids, but honestly I hear this one a lot. And a lot of times it’s with the boys, the little boys, don’t be a baby. Come on. Don’t cry. Come on. It’s not a big deal. I want you to take a break and start saying instead. It’s okay to be sad. Do you need to take a walk or are you feeling okay to solve this problem? Do you need my help or, or can you solve it on your own?
Wendy:
How are you going to take care of yourself? It’s okay. To feel sad. It’s okay to feel scared. It’s okay to cry. Okay. Something like, I’ll be over here. If you need me. I know you can find a way to take care of yourself. So it is incredible. You guys, how well kids respond when we don’t pressure them to get over their feelings or try to force them to stop freaking out. So empower and teach them that they are capable of moving through their feeling on their own. And they’ll come out of their sadness sooner while also building their self-esteem. I promise you. Okay. Last one is why do you make everything difficult?
Wendy:
Now? You guys, I am not proud to admit it, but I have said this to my daughter. And as I was making this list for you guys today, I had one more to get to 10 because I didn’t want to grab all of course, like the program I told you about no drama communications, it comes with 20, but I wanted to kind of mix it up a little bit and give a little that aren’t in a few that aren’t in there, but this was a new one for me. And it’s one that I’ve seen myself say over the years that I diligently have changed and in passionate about helping other families change. And it’s why do you make everything so difficult? So instead I want you to take a break and say something like, how can we make this easier?
Wendy:
How can we work as a team here? What do you need? How can I support you to help you say yes, how can I support you to cooperate more easily here? But it’s always going to be kind of the opposite, right? When we have these kinds of scarcity, thoughts or statements, I want you to a good way to flip it is just to think to yourself, what would be the opposite here? What would it look like? If I said the opposite to my child, how can I ask for them? Ask them for what I want. And that just came to my mind. Okay. Instead of why do you make everything so freaking difficult instead, I want you to look at those kiddos that may be being difficult in the moment and just say, honey, how can we make this easier right now?
Wendy:
How can we get this done? How can we work as a team? We’re not going anywhere until we get the toys put away. So how are we going to make this easy? All right. So those are some ideas for you guys. Oh my goodness. I hope that this episode encouraged you. I hope that you are feeling just filled with creativity and new ideas on how you can really just speak to yourself differently and then speak to your children differently. And I promise you, you are going to feel more empowered if you implement some of these new ideas today. And as always, it’s just an honor to support and encourage you.
Wendy:
I cannot wait to see so many of you inside the bonfire support program. It is just really the heart of my work. And if you have any questions, let me know. You can always email me personally, Wendy at Fresh Start Family, online.com and just head on over to FreshStartFamilyonline.com/join-bonfire to learn more. You can also just head to the website, FreshStartFamilyonline.com and click the community tab at the top. So big hugs you guys. Thanks for listening. And I love you all for links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to FreshStartFamilyonline.com/113.
Stella:
For more information, go to FreshStartFamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening. Families have a great day.
Wendy:
All right, families, that’s a wrap. I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I loved recording it for you. If you’re interested in joining the bonfire now is your time doors are open for a short one week period, and we’ll close on Friday, February 4th. So head now to FreshStartFamilyonline.com/join-bonfire, or just click the community tab at the top of the website. For more details, I cannot wait to welcome you with open arms to the community. See you soon at the bonfire.
