On this episode of the Fresh Start Family Show, Wendy takes us on a journey through the power of making amends when we make mistakes. We all make mistakes, and how we choose to repair them can make or break our relationships, especially with our kiddos. By showing up with vulnerability and humility when we’ve lost our cool and reacted vs responded, we can help leave a new imprint on our kids’ brains about that situation by making amends. We are also able to model to them what to do when they make mistakes.

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Responsive Parenting Workshop:
Want to learn how to respond vs react to misbehavior with calm confidence?

Strategies taught in this workshop work with kids of ALL ages to decrease misbehavior, increase cooperation & build connection in your home!

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Special thanks to Parent Playbook and Tonies for their support of

The Fresh Start Family Show!

Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!

This episode of The Fresh Start Family Show is brought to you by our free one hour workshop, How to Respond Versus React to Misbehavior with calm confidence, aka, how to keep your cool and not lose your marbles. When your kids push your buttons or make mistakes, you can save your seat over at freshstartfamilyonline.com/freeclass.

Stella:

Well, hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus, and rock and roll, and believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together we hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools, and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show!

Wendy:

Well, hey, there families and welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show. I’m your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And today I wanna chat with you guys about the power of repair, the power of being able to make amends after you’ve, you’ve either lost your cool with your kids, done something that you maybe later regret or just wanna leave a new imprint on your mind and the mind of your children.

And I was thinking of you guys this month and wanted to record on this because we’ve been doing a lot of discussion around responsiveness over on Instagram and we’ve been talking a lot about how do we get, how do we create a new habit when we are either triggered or get angry, feel hurt, you know, challenged by our kids, whatever it may be. But how do we create a new pattern of responding versus being reactive with our kids? And so on the front end, there’s so much work to do, right? I think life is one giant long learning period. I think if you can develop a joy for learning, life is a whole lot easier.

And I will tell you that I have definitely developed a joy for learning. I now have been doing personal development work for about 10 years. So I found the work of positive parenting when my daughter was three. And I thought I was gonna lose my mind as a parent trying to raise a strong-willed little girl and not really, not for sure not having any education on how to do it, but just instead thinking that hand me down parenting tactics and just being air quotes “really good with kids” was gonna work. And it just didn’t. Before long, once she was a toddler, I was just miserable and found myself trying to make timeouts 50 times a day work and just felt really disconnected from her and blamed her for a lot of my stress and just feeling like motherhood sucked, to be honest with you.

So thank God this work came along and I was able to really step in to positive parenting classes and then that led to me being invited and then starting to attend personal development weekend courses. And that led me to wanting to become an educator and spread all of this light in the world because it’s just absolutely transformed my life. So I have fallen in love with learning and growing, and I hope that I inspire you to do the same because I think even when we get to be 60, 70, 80 years old, you guys, I think that’s one of the joys of life, is just to continue learning. We’re always learning and I believe that I’m gonna be learning until the day I die.

So when it comes to responsiveness, I think there’s a lot of air quotes “work to be done” for most of us who realize that we have patterns of reacting instead of responding with cool, calm confidence and for firm kindness, right? A lot of us have a tendency to come in with that, you know what I call kind of the left side of the pendulum, which is too firm and it makes sense because that’s how a lot of us were raised right in, in homes that had that autocratic method. My way or the highway, there was a lot of fear and force. There was intimidation, there was often a lot of spanking or threats of spanking. There was disconnection, there was arguments, there was just volatility, right?

There was not a lot of emotional stability. We always say we never, ever are trying to place blame on our parents or come down on our parents. And it’s absolutely okay you guys to say that it makes sense why once we become parents, we just end up repeating a lot of the same behaviors that was done to us when we were, we were growing up, right? We always say, when you know better, you do better. And so many of our parents just didn’t have access to the same type of tools and education that thank God because of just the tremendous amount that doctors who study child development and the human brain and psychologists and psychiatrists and just all these incredible social scientists and researchers and experts have done to help us understand what is going on as, as a child is growing up, what is happening with their brain, what is happening?

What causes them to misbehave, what causes them to behave well, right? These are all things we, we cover in our Fresh Start Family programs is really the entry level learning is let’s look at what is actually the root causes of misbehavior, but thank God we now have more tools to choose from. And so it makes sense, right? A lot of us were just, we’re just repeating what was done to us. And then you step into education and you’re like, oh my goodness, I realize what’s going on now. I become aware of my reactive tendencies. And we do a lot of work to clean that up and actually change the habit. So we’re doing more self-regulation, we’re stepping to the side, we’re able to find healthy intentions, we’re responding with curiosity and creativity instead of judgment, condemnation, aggression, all that type of stuff, right?

So that’s, that’s what the front end of responsiveness looks like. Now, there’s a back end I think, of responsiveness too, that every day we can look at what’s happened in our lives with our kids and respond to that reality and know that tomorrow we have a complete, complete ability to make a fresh start and make a new imprint on our children’s brain and really respond to whatever happened today in our lives, right? We are not ever going to be perfect parents, you guys. So we’re going to make mistakes, right? I saw the funniest meme today on Instagram. I’m trying to think, maybe I should, well I can’t access it right now, but it was, it was something along the lines of, I’m, my parenting style is basically gentle parenting except for with a little bit of like, I lose my shit often because y’all are crazy and you’re driving me nuts.

And I’m like, oh my gosh, that’s so funny because that’s kind of our ish here, right? It’s like we wanna be very well established and confident in our intentions, right? Our intentions are to use relationship connection and firm kindness to influence our children with integrity. We wanna teach important life lessons with dignity and grace and mentorship. We want to teach our children that mistakes are opportunities to learn. We want to eliminate shame and intimidation and aggression and fear and force, all these things. We wanna get rid of those. We don’t need those. A lot of us become painful generational cycle breakers, right?

And, AND – you guys know I don’t use the word but – and we’re gonna make a lot of freaking mistakes. And so this episode is really about understanding how important and equally as life changing it is for a child to have a parent who redoes and makes amends and takes responsibilities for their mistakes as it is. Like even more so than having a parent that’s, you know, air quotes “perfect”. So every single one of us is going to have plenty of opportunities to redo situations and to leave, you know, so to speak air or air quotes.

We all are going to have opportunities to leave new imprints on our child’s brain. So every experience we have with our children, I, I’m such a visual person that I do think of it like a little stamp on our children’s brains. Now, you know, as an educator and a family life coach, I know that a lot of kids have their core beliefs set by the age of seven. And I will tell you that you shouldn’t let that scare you because we’re all humans, right? Like every single person, we all have experiences that were challenging in life and we all grew up with imperfect parents. And yes, we may have imprints from those situations, especially the really traumatic ones, right?

A lot of us, so many, I’d say most parents, if we look back to our childhood, we have trauma of some sort, right? I think trauma is such a fascinating thing to look at because a lot of people think that it’s only the car wreck, right? Or it’s only losing a parent or you know, a soldier that comes home from war. Those are all traumatic events for sure, but it’s also the stuff you never got, right? If you didn’t have safety or unconditional love or you know, full belonging in your home, like there is a lot that causes that secondary form of trauma that is just kind of what you missed out on or what you never had.

And then I recently saw someone speaking, and I think it was on the Rich Roll podcast, he’s such a fascinating podcaster, but it was a doctor who was just reminding us that trauma is really about what our reaction to the event was, right, as human beings. What we experienced from the event, not necessarily the event, so to speak. So, you know, if we grew up with parents, like for, I’ll give you my example. I grew up with parents who, I don’t remember being spanked that often, but I do remember when it was threatened or when it did happen, it was freaking traumatic. And my, one of my biggest, I don’t have a ton of memories from my childhood, but I do remember being chased around.

We had like, my parents still live in the same house and there’s like a wood stove and a fireplace in the middle of our, of our house basically. And I just remember running around like screaming. I was probably like four years old and my dad chasing me with a paddle, I think it’s hilarious that I was faster than him. It says a lot about my athletic ability, but it was traumatic. Like it was not a great memory. And, you know, being an adult that has realized in the last five or 10 years how much I struggle with fear, but was never taught as a child how to feel scared. But yet I do, like if there’s a chance, a mistake might get made, you know, I’ve, I’ve come, I’ve become, I’ve definitely not somewhat, I’ve definitely become a perfectionist in my adult life.

And I think I’ve learned that a lot of it is associated with the fear of making mistakes, which I believe is definitely wrapped up into some of the core beliefs I formed as a child. That if you do make a mistake, there is danger involved. So my point is, we all had things happen to us, and we all have different stories, we all have different experiences, but those, those events do leave, you know, marks on our brains, so to speak. And as parents, I believe we have the most amazing opportunity. It brings me to tears just thinking about it, to undo some of those marks, to heal some of those marks, to, to, to help our children unlearn some of those things that we may have imparted.

It’s like, you know, we wanna impart wisdom on our children. We don’t wanna impart scars, right? We don’t. And at the same time, I truly believe that all of our children are gonna grow up with marks of some sort. You guys, again, we’re just never gonna be perfect. We’re not aiming perfect for perfection and all of our kids are gonna have marks. It’s just what do we do on the back end to respond after that, after we realized, hey, that that wasn’t so cool that for the first four years of your life, I thought I listened to the clergy at my or the elders at my church and we, we hit and threatened you for, you know, from the time you were two to six years old and now I’m gonna work on undoing that.

I’m gonna help you unlearn whatever messages I was giving you during that season. I’m now gonna come in on the back end and make amends. We’re gonna redo things, right? And so there’s a, there’s a ton of different ways you can, you can use this, but what comes to mind mostly is when you’ve just blown it, you’ve lost your cool where you’ve reacted like a crazy person and then instead of just like breezing over it and never discussing it and then waking up the next day and asking like acting like everything’s fine or just blaming your kid for the crappy day and the way that you yelled, you know, grabbed a wrist too tight, reverted to punishment that you swore you weren’t gonna do anymore, whatever it may be, instead of doing that, which by the way is the classic way, like I think most human beings, you guys, if we look at it, are not taught healthy conflict resolution.

I look at my teenage daughter right now and what’s going on with some of her friends and I can clearly see the ones that are educated and been taught healthy, conflict resolution or peaceful conflict resolution or the ability to ha to have a difference with someone or conflict and then come back and repair it. And the ones who have haven’t. And I will tell you that the majority of them have not. And so it’s normal, right? Most of us just, we haven’t been taught that, but when we step into this work, we sure as heck learn that.

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Parents, let’s talk for a minute about Tonie Boxes, which are the coolest interactive learning toys that I am just the biggest fan of. Designed for little listeners, ages 3+, they are the perfect story time companion for tiny hands and active imaginations. The Tonie Box is a screen free digital listening experience that plays stories, songs and more. 

It comes to life when paired with their whimsical collection of Tonies hand painted characters with hours of stories to tell, worlds to explore and songs to sing. My own little boy has one and loves listening to Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Despicable Me Stories, as well as meditative nature sounds when he needs a little help falling Asleep. Plus Tonie Boxes allow you to record custom content, which makes it so cool for parents and grandparents who want to connect with their littlest loved ones from near or far. Which also means that these make the perfect Christmas gifts for your little ones from their grandma or grandpa, just an idea. 

By the way, a few months ago I got the sweetest message from one of my Bonfire private support community members that said, Look, I shared about my love of Tonie boxes with my sister and she got one for her kids and this was her husband in the backyard this last weekend recording Creative Tonies for his kids before he leaves on deployment, and then a bawling crying emoji and a picture of him with a giant stack of books next to him sitting in the backyard. Oh my gosh, my heart just melted. Those little kids of his will be able to have their daddy read books to them at night or whenever they want, even as he’s halfway across the world. I just love it. 

Tonie Box is currently offering our community of Fresh Start Family Show listeners 15% off a Tonie Box starter kit using the discount code Toniepodcast – you spell Tonie, T O N I E. So that coupon code is toniepodcast. You can head to tonies.com to learn more T O N I E S.com and get your kiddo their first Tonie Box. I can see this being the perfect Christmas gift or just an investment into your own sanity cuz you know you love it when your kiddo is actually able to entertain themselves so you can sneak in a hot shower, maybe a Pilates workout or even a holiday meal planning. Imagine that! 

All right you guys go check out Tonies after today’s episode ends. But for now, let’s get back to the show. 

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So when you’ve lost your cool, when you’ve yelled, when you’ve grabbed your wrist too tight, when you’ve used even a tone, right, A tone that was disrespectful, like I get so many dms and clients who come to me that are like, my child just has an attitude all the time.

One of my favorite examples was one of my neighbors who used to come to me for advice all the time on the block. I live on a like the best block ever here in southern California. We have like, I don’t know, probably 15 families of young kids under the age of 5, 7, 9 years old. And it’s just amazing. I love every single parent on this block. But we had a mama who I adored who used to live here who would always come to me for advice, but she would never get into the programs. And I was like, girlfriend, I love you, but I can only help you so much with these free tips I’m giving you in the middle of our walker as you’re chasing your little kids on their scooters.

And I’ve got two dogs that I’m walking and my own little kid that I’m playing football with, right? It’s all good. Some people are just, they just don’t ever get into programs and you know, I can only help you guys so much with free content. I love creating these podcasts for you. They are amazing. But I always wanna be clear with people that by listening to the podcast you can definitely DIY a lot of stuff for sure. And in the end, I can just help you so much more when you come in to my experiential community, right? So there’s just so many ways to do that. One of the best ways is just to come to a free workshop of mine this month. I’m teaching all about responsive parenting.

You can save your seat for that workshop, freshstartfamilyonline.com/responsiveparentingclass. But she used to always come with, come to me and she, one day she came to me and she said, Hey, I really need your help. My little guy. We’re having to start spanking him because his attitude is just off the charts and he is being totally disrespectful and disobedient. She came from like a more kind of conservative, evangelical, social, you know, church family, which this type of rhetoric or thinking whatever it may be is common in those circles. So I totally understood why she was thinking in this capacity.

And of course I was just eager to help her understand that that is, there’s so many different ways to deal with things. But she said to me, we really, we have to spank him because he’s being so disrespectful. And so I asked her, I was like, oh, what are some of the things that he’s doing? And she’s like, oh, he just gives an attitude if he doesn’t wanna do something and he just gives me an attitude. And so I, as I started to dig deeper, I found out that it was an exasperated sigh and it was eye rolling was what she was defining as disrespectful behavior, which I totally get at you guys super triggering, right? When you’re a parent and your child does that to you. But what was so fascinating was I, as an educator, like one of my joys in life is to just lovingly call to attention to parents when they may have a behavior that they are not aware of.

They’re, it’s just not, they just don’t even realize that they do it. And I asked her, I’m like, oh gosh, that’s so hard. I’m like, is there any place that you might be able to find that you are having an attitude or doing an exasperated sigh or rolling your eyes? And she kind of thought about it and she was like, no. And then, you know, one of the kids fell, fell and needed her and of course like my little guy probably needed me to throw the football again or something. And so we parted ways and she never really followed up. But I was always like, for years before she moved, I was always like, Hey, have a free class coming up. Like come and join, learn with me, blah, blah blah. And she just really had trouble ever making it there. But the point is, after that conversation, when we would hang out, whether it was just the girls on the block or we would have like a fun girls night out, right?

Where we would make like pumpkin, pumpkin arrangements together or we would do ever, I would, I would just laugh because she was almost the queen of having exasperated size and eye rolling about her children or, or anything that she was annoyed with in life, right? If she was talking about like how annoying it is that SDG and e or our gas or our trash company comes at a certain time or I don’t even remember. All I know is as an educator I was just kind of cracking up cuz I was like, oh yeah, it’s definitely being modeled. The behavior is definitely being modeled. So my point is, you guys, it’s just kind of a funny story to let you know that so many times when I’m helping parents, once I’m lovingly bring the attention to the front and ask them, Hey, is there anywhere you could be modeling this behavior?

A lot of times we will be able to find it and say, oh gosh, I’ve caught myself three times today raising my voice and then telling my children not to raise their voice at me. Or I’ve caught myself being aggressive with my kid a few times today and then I, you know, a half hour later I was telling them not to be aggressive with the dog or whatever it may be. And so these are great examples of situations where you can make amends and you can repair and even redo the situation with your child. So then they go to bed that night knowing that a, it wasn’t their fault and they did not deserve for you to be disrespectful, lay hands on them, you know, shame them, whatever it may be.

Again, we’re human and they have a new imprint of what it looks like, you know, to do it in a different way. And so if you’ve ever attended our discipline class, so that is my free workshop where I teach all about respectful, compassionate discipline and how to really escape a punishment mindset. I’ll make sure we put the link in the show notes page for you in case you guys have never attended that free workshop with me. But we teach about how role plays redos and makeups are fantastic logical consequences after a child has made a mistake. These are just a few examples we teach, like literally I have a lesson in my full experiential program and membership called A Gazillion Discipline Ideas where I give like a million, a million gazillion.

We really like Austin Powers movies as a family now that my kids are like tweens and teens. So I use the a gazillion phrase a lot. But makeup’s, role plays and redos are just three of the strategies we teach that are, we consider logical consequences that are based in mentorship and teaching our children how to make different decisions tomorrow. How to create actual healthy habits of self-regulation when they are triggered, when they’re mad at their sister, when they’re, you know, hurt by their good, you know, their friend. Something someone said on the school bus or when they, you know, are feeling powerless that they have to clean their room and they really don’t want to, whatever it may be.

We are teaching children how to make different decisions tomorrow through compassionate discipline. But it’s definitely something that we can use too to two things we can show our kids. Like I always, we always, I always teach my students that it’s much easier, say for example a makeup. So a makeup is when you’ve made a mistake and you do an active service to actually bring back the relationship, make amends like repair the tear, so to speak. In my Foundations Course I do an exercise where we show you if you are arguing a ton with your kid and that arguing keeps happening and happening and happening and you keep using the overpowering fear tactics, intimidation, you better listen or else you’re gonna get punished by the time they become teenagers that creates a rip.

And in the, in the role play that I show you guys, Terry and I do it, the dollar bill actually completely rips apart and you can feel it. It’s like you can feel the emotion and, and we always say this is visually what happens to parents and children when that relationship isn’t repaired, when it’s not put at the forefront. Because eventually so many teenagers end up with broken relationships with their parents where they end up hiding stuff, they end up lying, they end up doing really shady behavior to feel that need to belong and that need to feel powerful. And there’s just such a lack of relationship in most teens that are rebelling and having issues in life.

So when you look at that and you realize, okay, makeups is something that I wanna be able to teach my child how to do. So if they’ve smacked their sister or if they’ve, you know, done something unkind to their neighbor or made a mistake in their kindergarten class and you know, did something that inconvenienced the teacher or made a mistake on the playground, whatever it may be, teaching a child that everybody makes mistakes, mistakes are opportunities to learn. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means it’s a great idea that you, if you do something to really show that person that yes you have regret, right?

I’ve done episodes before on how I’ve replaced, I’m sorry with thank you for your grace, thank you for your forgiveness, thank you for your patience with me as I learn and grow. But you’re basically communicating and showing that person through an action that you’re not just glossing over that mistake and how you hurt them and disrespected them, you’re actually doing something to make up for for it. So we teach about how kids can, you know, pick flower a bouquets. I remember when my kids were little, like we were constantly, not constantly. I mean there was a handful of times in preschool that, you know, Stella for sure got into quite her share of trouble in preschool and even in like elementary school, the first two years of kindergarten and first grade, there was definitely days where we would pick flowers for the teachers and bring them a little note that said something exactly like that.

Thank you for your patience, thank you for helping me learn and grow as I’m developing self-regulation or whatever it may be. And then Terrin, when he developed separation anxiety in kindergarten and first grade, oh my gosh, we were, we were doing a lot of thank you notes and just kind acts for all the helpers who helped him during that season because there was a time when he would get so upset and be, he’s always been my one that struggles a little bit more with, you know, low level anxiety is, I mean he would like not really throw punches but kind of like he was just so upset and frantic for me that there was just a lot of people that were so patient with him as he was getting through that season of life.

So makeups is wonderful to teach your kids and it can be drawings, it can be flower bouquets, it can be letters. I have in my file of compassionate discipline things, I have so many makeups for my kids, beautiful little notes and drawings that they made me. And I also have a lot of beautiful notes and drawings that I did for my children. And so that’s what we’re talking about today is actually showing your children how to do a makeup through doing it for them. And so if you think right now, like your past week as you’re listening to this, was there, was there a day where you screamed at your kids and you’ve said, you know, at some point or another since you started to listening to this podcast and maybe you’ve become a student of our educational programs, but you’ve said like, I don’t wanna yell anymore, I don’t wanna be remembered as the mom who who’s screamed at my kids.

And then there you like, then you find yourself yelling, right? If you can think back to the last few days, that’s just one example is consider doing a makeup for your kids and let them know like, hey, I’ve started to learn with an a positive parenting teacher. Her name’s Ms. Wendy. And I realized that a few days ago I really got upset with you and I screamed at you and I just wanna make sure you understand that you never ever deserve to be screamed at. That’s just me learning and there’s things that mama does that kind of is repeating what my mom did to me and maybe what her mom did to her, right? And it doesn’t make me a bad mama, it just means that I’m learning how to do things differently.

And I want you to know that you never ever deserve to be yelled at. And I am learning how to calm myself down and find different ways to influence you to put your shoes on or get in the car than yelling. So this little drawing or this little little bouquet of flowers or if you have an older daughter, this little fun nail polish that I got at Target when I was there and it made me think of you, this is just a makeup to let you know that I’m so grateful for your forgiveness and your patient with patience with me because I’m learning just as much as you sweet girl or sweet boy. We’re all learning in life, right? So I’m, and then another idea for that type of stuff is, is to say, Hey, I wanna do a redo.

Like last week when I got really upset and I, I realized I was just feeling overwhelmed and I was scared that I was like outta control and I didn’t know what to do with you guys to make you stop fighting like I grabbed your wrist so tight. And this is a personal story of mine if you’ve never read my article, I left bruises. Oh my gosh, it’s, I’m so happy I wrote that article because I know it has helped so many people and it still brings up like just so much sadness that that ever happened. But basically my little boy was sick, he used to get like really bad cold induced asthma and one day he had like a really bad cold and he had been to the doctors and had to get this like breathing treatment and we used to call it his fighter jet mask.

He used to think that he was like, he was like a fighter jet pilot. He’s after named, actually named after his uncle Terrin who was MIA, POW in the Vietnam War, never came home who was a, a pilot, a jet pilot. But anyways, we used to have fun at those breathing treatments, make it, they make it as fun as we could and then it never failed. He would come home and have the worst crash from the steroid treatment and just become a freaking nightmare. And one day he was like insisting that he was gonna go play at the neighbor’s house and hindsight is 20/20, right? Like I realized that day that I could have just been like, Hey, you’re gonna knock on the door and I’m gonna let the parent know Kate, who’s the same people who are there right now, like my little guy.

It’s literally that little boy’s birthday he’s going to play with him right now and it’s just the sweetest, they’re still such great friends to this day. This was a long time ago. This was like seven years ago or something. And I could have just told her like, Hey, he’s sick, he really wants to play with your little boy. But I let him know that he’s sick, we’re not able to play today and then I could have just waited, right? But instead I was so triggered in the moment and I think I was just so overwhelmed with life and I was tired cuz I had been up all night with him not to make excuses. And I, I say that because it’s, it’s helped me to have grace on myself and to have compassion. But he started freaking out in the middle of the street and I was like, no, you’re not going. And I just went into full power trip mode and I purposely remember like he was kicking and screaming and you wouldn’t come back.

And I was like kind of dragging him and I purposely remember you guys squeezing his arms su like hard with with the intention like I’m gonna hurt you in this moment and you’re gonna freaking like listen to me. And it’s one of the only times that I can remem, well I guess there’s been a few times times, but like a lot of times if I’ve done something to hurt my kids it’s like so fast that I’m like, oh my gosh. Like I also have an article, you can Google any of these articles by the way, I also have an article the night I threw a book at my kid. But that’s an example of a night that there was no pause between the throwing of the book and my like being triggered.

It just happened, right? And then later on of course I was so full of regret, but this one, when I squeezed his his arm, I just remember thinking to myself like oh this is gonna make him listen. And it actually just ended up making things worse. I still had to drag him home. He was a big kid by that point. I remember like sitting in his room, my back against the wall, like him freaking out screaming cry crying because he was coming down off this steroid medicine like it’s known to just make kids all jacked up and wired. That’s like why? It’s like the term roided out, right? Like that’s essentially what it would happen to my little guy. But it was just a freaking nightmare. It was a nightmare. And the, the night at the day after I remember putting him in the bathtub and you know, he was just the sweetest in the bathtub and him just doing his normal cute little four year old stuff or four and a half year old stuff.

And I looked down and that’s when I saw that there was fricking fingerprints on his, whatever that muscle is called, like bicep. There was fingerprint bruises on his bicep set bicep. And I was like, oh my gosh, like what is wrong with me? Who am I pretty sure I was had become an educator by that point too, which makes me even worse. The point is is I made a big mistake and I’m human right? And like that’s not what I believe in. I don’t believe children need that to listen. And as sure as hell didn’t work that night and then afterwards I was like dang it, he was just sick.

He was just outta sorts, right? Like that is the number one reason we see kids move into tantrum mode is usually hunger, thirst, tiredness or sickness. There’s powerlessness too. We teach all about that in our programs, what’s underneath tantrums. But the point is is I don’t remember exactly the redo that I did or the makeup that I did, but I know that we had an ex like a solid makeup and amends after that. Like I told him in numerous ways, in many different capacities. I wish I remembered exactly what the makeup or the role the redo that we did was. But I know that it was, it was important to me to help help him understand that he did not deserve that.

That I had made a mistake. That it was thankful for his grace and his patience as I was learning to become a mama. I’ll never forget that the night Stella told me one time the kids were fighting. That’s always been like my achilles heel as a mom is when they fight and I was like freaking out and I was like, you guys are going straight to bed again after I’d become an educator. You guys remember there’s no was no perfection over here. I mean they were, they were little and I was like, no, you’re going straight to bed, you’re going straight to bed. Like I think I used to like there was a handful of times where I would have them eat dinner at their desk in their bedroom and and the goal was to have them separated like cuz they would fight so much and I’d be so triggered by it and then one of ’em would push another. So I was constantly trying to figure out like, okay, how do I apply the four R’s here?

What is related to not being able to keep your hands to yourself and be respectful to your brother or sister, blah blah blah. But one night Stella said to me, mama and she’s crying, she’s like, please, please don’t do this. She’s like, I promise you we are learning, we are going to learn from this. And she goes, I have only been a kid for seven years, mom and you’ve only been a mom for seven years. We’re figuring this out together. And I was like, oh my gosh, that was probably one of the first times she did it. And since then that was when she was seven, now she’s almost 15. She is so good at deescalating like really intense situations, especially with me cuz I can be a stubborn, really stubborn person when I’m upset about something and she’s become really good at just bringing me back and being like, mama, just let’s get back to the heart here.

And so the day she said that I was like, Stella, you are so right, I’m just figuring it out. You’re just figuring it out and we can do this. But back to the, I left bruises on Terrin’s bicep story is I just know that we did a makeup or I did a makeup or a redo and if even if I didn’t, just to give you guys an example, I could have come in the next night and said to him like, hey what happened last night is like it just, mama just lost her temper and I’m working on it here. Like here’s the teacher, my teacher at the time was Miss Susie, you know I have a call with Miss Susie on Friday night, we’re gonna talk about why mama reacted so bad, but you didn’t deserve that. And I’m really working diligently to learn a different way.

So if you could sweet boy, like I want you to practice like acting like you’re gonna walk to your buddy’s house and this time instead of freaking out and like trying to drag you home, I’m just gonna practice my self-regulation. I’m gonna practice my breathing, I’m gonna practice praying in the moment, I’m gonna practice calling on a healthy intention, which is what we teach in the Foundations Course. And that moment when you’re so triggered and then I’m gonna practice holding space and just waiting for you. And then if you wouldn’t mind just pretending like you’re gonna go knock on his door and just, you know, let’s just see what happens. And then the purpose of that would be just to show him like this is what really happened in our minds, right?

Like because our minds are really moldable you guys, we have the power to have different memories. I do this all the time with when I have private life coaching students in private sessions. We’ll completely rework a limiting belief cycle. So that’s one of my favorite things to do in a private session is we, I don’t, I don’t really do many private sessions really any at all anymore, but my parents that are in my high level certification program, so these are the parents who are training to become a parenting coach certified in the fresh start family approach. They all get a ton of private sessions, they get, they act well they actually get two this year we had seven women in that program. And so I’ve done 14 private sessions in the last three months and it’s been amazing.

You can, I’ll make sure I put the link to that program in the show notes page where we’ll have our third cohort of become a parenting coach starting in spring of 2023. That is one of my favorite things to do is we’ll find the root cause of a limiting belief cycle that they realize is not serving them. It’s often the cause of protection or closed down behaviors like yelling, screaming, pulling back, becoming permissive, there’s a lot of different protection behaviors and then we’ll completely rework it from an imaginary standpoint of what would’ve been awesome if it did happen and you would be blown away by the power of doing that and imagining it, visioning it and then looking at the beliefs that are drawn from what if that would’ve been my experience.

And like I’ve experienced that process so many times in life coaching programs and with my mentors and redoing the limiting belief cycle and it’s just, it’s just really powerful and it guides us to think, act and do different tomorrow. So it definitely is amazing. Redos are just basically, I’ve had a client’s little girl call them rewinds before where it’s just, you’re going back and you’re saying like, Hey I made a mistake, I’d like to redo it. You don’t have to do much kid except for just stand there and maybe act like you hit me or act like you rolled your eyes or whatever it may be. And I’m gonna be the one who does does it different. Now we teach the same concept as a logical consequence for kids after they’ve made a mistake.

And I always tell parents that you’re gonna have a much better time teaching your kids to do a redo after they’ve done something to their brother or sister or made a mistake at school, whatever it may be. You’re gonna have a much easier time teaching your kids that and then them having actually do it if you’ve modeled and done it for your kids. Does that make sense? So just think about it guys. Think about if you’ve had a time in the last week or two or a few days, I’m sure some of you’re laughing, you’re like yesterday this morning I did X, Y, and Z to my kid. And just remember that humility is a superpower you guys, when you come to your children and say, hey I’d like to make amends here, I’d like to redo this, I’d like to do a makeup for you.

I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m right there next to you. And life is not about being perfect, it’s about being human and being willing to keep, keep growing and learning. I want you to think about it this way too. I know growing up in my home, peaceful conflict, conflict resolution on the front end or the back end just wasn’t a thing, right? And raise your hand if this was how it was for you in your home too. But we would have these really big fights, right? Or you know, there’d be moments where I explained earlier my dad would be chasing us with the paddle threatening to spank us or we’d get spanked or whatever it may be. And then the next day there was just never that conversation where you came back together and said, wow, that was really intense yesterday.

What did we learn from it? Like what would we do differently? Like what are the mistakes I made? What are the mistakes you made, right? That was just like not a thing in our home, but now we have this opportunity to do it differently with our kids. And so what happens is when kids witness us having this state of humility and also this message of belonging of like, hey kiddo, you’re not alone in the learning. Like I am learning too, as I said earlier in this podcast episode, it’s like we are all learning, we are all, every single day of our life learning something new. I think every new decade you are really learning something new. And as parents, we’re learning just as much from our kids as our kids are learning from us.

So really giving ’em that message and saying, Hey, I’m gonna do this makeup or this redo or this role play for you because I wanna make amends, I wanna repair the relationship and I don’t wanna leave us in the kind of this broken state so to speak. I want us to be able to come together and just learn from our mistakes and realize that it’s okay that we’re human. We don’t need to be perfect in order to repair things amongst us. And so sometimes I think it’s easy to look at it from away when, so when you go back and you think back to your childhood, this is actually an exercise that we do in our programs. We have a lesson called Assuming Integrity in our Bonfire video library. We have I think almost 70 lessons now that are available to our private community members.

But we have a lesson called Assuming Integrity. And I walk parents through an exercise where we really start to understand why it, why we have a tendency to jump to conclusions with our own kids and really not assume the integrity, right? Like if you can think about if you’re at the park and you know two, you have two little kids and they maybe one is your friend’s kid and your kid is there too and they both both walk up and one kid’s crying and your kid’s kind of looking at you like if we’re being honest, it is so easy for us to look at our own kid and be like, what did you do wrong? Like, what did you do to her? Why is she crying, right? Instead of, okay, tell me what happened. Like we don’t even know what happened.

We didn’t see, we didn’t, we don’t know if like we just don’t know what happened, right? But it’s very easy for us to assume that our child did something wrong, that they were being naughty. All these types of things. So we do this exercise where we, we go back to a childhood memory and we look at something that happened that we got in trouble for and we just try, try to find it where it’s like, where did our parent like flip out essentially. Like think of a time when you got in big trouble and you made a mistake or whatever happened. And then we kind of look at it, not relive, but we, we state what happened and then we go back and we redo it and we basically say, okay, if we were to go back in time and you had made that mistake and you had a parent who came alongside you and did it different, like what did you need in that moment to have that situation be different, right?

Like what did you need in that moment when you dropped the watermelon and it broke into two? Or you got caught for stealing or you pushed your sister and she fell down and got hurt off the play structure. Like what would you have liked to happen or what do you wish would’ve happened afterwards? And it’s so beautiful to see students go through that lesson and I think I, that’s the one that I filmed in a live format. So we actually had like students going through it and walking through the process with me and just so many students basically said, I just wish my, my, my parent a would’ve supported me and come beside me and just said, Hey, it looks like you’re hurt or it looks like you’re scared or tell me what happened.

Got curious, got creative, whatever it may be. And it just totally changes, you know, the way that they’re then able to see their own children when they mess up.

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Hey families! Quick pause to thank Parent Playbook for their continued support of The Fresh, Start Family Show and to tell you about the wonderful work they are doing to inspire and support parents. You heard us interview them a few months ago, but I just love the mission they have to help parents feel confident in their parenting walk so that they can create a positive future for themselves. And the next generation.

 So I wanna know, have you gone and downloaded this app yet? It’s free to download for both Apple and Android users and it’s free to use. All you need to do is simply head to the app store and search Parent Playbook. Founded with parent empowerment in mind, Parent Playbook is an app that puts the advice and expertise of parenting educators, life coach and family advocates into the hands of busy parents who are determined to get answers to their parenting questions and desperate to feel more peace, confidence, and empowerment in their daily life. 

The social market platform takes all the good things from social media and combines it into one great app for parents. Think the organizational aspect of Pinterest, the community feel from Facebook and then the Instagram with all the inspiration, education, tips and motivation you love when you see folks like me post educational parenting content. Minus all the toxicity and cluttered random information that leaves you feeling overwhelmed and more unsure. Again, this app is free to download and free to use, but only for a limited time as the Parent Playbook team is capping the first round of downloads to help manage growth effectively and sustainably. 

Once you’ve downloaded it, check it out and then drop me an email. I’m [email protected] and tell me what you think. If you love it, awesome, I’ll pass on the praise to them and if you feel like it’s missing something, I’ll let them know so they can make quick improvements. You don’t wanna wait another day to get this support system into your pocket. So go search Parent Playbook on the app platform or the app store and push download now. All right guys, back to the show. 

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So if you think back to it, that same situation, like let’s say the same example, if you can think of right now, is there a time when you were little and you got in big trouble for doing something and maybe your parent like flipped out on you and they screamed at you or they yelled at you or they punished you or they grabbed your wrist too tight or whatever it may be and they came back to you the next day and said like, imagine it right now. Like just think for a second, I’ll take a sip of water and give you a second to think about it.

Like, can you think of a time when you were little and you got in big trouble and your parent freaked out on you, lost their cool, screamed grounded, you grabbed your wrist really tight, locked you in your room. I’ve heard lots of stories of parents freaking out, freaking out. So I know we have them. Okay, good. So now that you have it, I want you to just imagine going back and you waking up the next day and your mom or dad comes in your room and they’re like, Hey, I wanna chat with you about what happened yesterday after you threw that baseball and it went through the neighbor’s house or you know, whatever, after you, I found out that you had pushed your little brother and that, you know, he fell down and skinned his And when I yelled at you, I want you to understand that that was just a mistake.

And I’m waking up this morning realizing that that is not the way I wanna handle myself moving forward. And I’m learning, I have a new parenting coach, I’m part of a supportive community. I have started to read some books about maybe why I’ve been so reactive with you in the past, but I just wanna let you know that I am here right now to tell you that I wanna do something to make this up to you because you don’t deserve to be treated like that. So I know that you love to play catch with me and a lot of times I’m really busy with work and you know, I, I know I don’t always make the time to play, but today I wanna like, I wanna go out right now and I’m gonna take an extra long lunch from my workday and I just wanna throw the ball back and forth with you cuz I know you love that and I love to do that too.

Like could I just do that makeup for you? And then I want you to imagine that they were like, and also I want you to know that I’m trying to rewire my brain so I can react in the future in different ways. So if you could help me and just let me redo it for you sweet child. So if you could just stand there, act like you still through the ball and it broke the neighbor’s house, but this time I’m gonna pretend like I came home from work and I’m not gonna yell at you this time. Instead, I’m gonna practice what it looks like to do what I wanna do and that’s respond with compassion and calmness and just handle the situation like a parent that you deserve would.

So if we could do that real quick, it would really mean a lot to me. And you know, most of your ch like imagine being a child and just looking at your mom and dad and being like, sure mom, that’s fine. And maybe you might have even said, oh mom, you don’t have to do that. Or Dad, you don’t have to do that. But your parent insisted they were like, no, this is important to me that I do this for you because it’s, it’s important for us. I wanna make sure that this is what you remember for the rest of your life. So I want you to imagine that your parent did that for you and you stood there, you act like you still had thrown the ball through the neighbor’s window or whatever. And then you watch your mom and dad, they’re walking down the hallway to you and in the past you might have been scared of them, but this time they just come up to you and they give you the biggest hug and they say, you know what?

It’s okay, everybody makes mistakes, okay, you’re not in trouble. And yes, you’re gonna have to pay for the window and yes, you know we’re gonna have to go tell the neighbor what happened, but it’s okay. I know you’re scared but you’re not in trouble and I’m here to support you. And yes, we’re gonna talk about, you know, how to make sure this never happens again. But I’m here with you and I’m gonna go like get a glass of water or get a glass of ice tea and calm myself down a little bit cuz I am a little scared about how much this is gonna cost. So I’m gonna go step to the side and self-regulate for a minute. But I just wanna let you know you’re not in trouble and I love you and mistakes are normal, okay?

Everybody makes mistakes and we’ll get this cleaned up and I’m here to support you, okay? Like, just imagine the difference you guys that would’ve made on your freaking life if you would’ve had a parent that did that for you. I mean, can you imagine? Literally, it’s hard to imagine, right? Well what makes it not hard to imagine is because you are going to be the parent that does it for your children. And so when they grow up a decade, two decades, three decades from now, and they think back to the time when they made that big mistake, right? And you like freaked out on ’em, they’re probably not gonna even remember that you yelled or freaked out on them.

What they’re gonna remember is how you came to them with humility and compassion and took responsibility for your mistake and said, Hey, I’m working on becoming the kind of parent that I wanna be and that you deserve. And they’re gonna remember that hug, right? That you give ’em or that bouquet of flowers that you brought into their room or that special nail polish that you got ’em at the, the store and the little note that you wrote ’em, or the picture that you drew or just, you know, just the words that you used to let them know that it matters, that you make amends and repair the relationship since you were responsible for part of the tear.

Okay? So yeah, it’s just, it’s just a beautiful act you guys. I love the act of making amends and I just think we cannot stress, I cannot stress to you enough that, you know, it’s like the times when you are really killing it in parenthood. It’s awesome. Like we all have those times, right? When we’re like, yes, we nailed it. We’re like such a good parent, right? You know, like when we actually stay patient and we’re able to respond with grace when our kids are fighting or we, you know, scoop them up after they’ve fallen off of their scooter and we’re just like their hero or we, we throw ’em like the best Harry Potter party that they could have ever dreamed from for their sixth party and it’s like a day they’re gonna remember forever because they had the best day ever.

Or I just, you kept your cool or you taught them an important life lesson with grace. Like those moments when you kill it as a parent are wonderful. Like your kids are gonna remember those moments for sure. They’re, they’re gonna make a big impact on their brain and their heart and their minds. And I’m telling you what you do after the imperfect days, you guys is just as beautiful and your children, children will all remember those forever and ever and ever. Okay? I’m telling you, some of my most connecting times with my children have been after a very, very messy moment.

I talk about this in the Compassionate Discipline free workshop. I always tell the story about like one of the biggest times Stella had, you know, a really big mistake that she made and the compassionate discipline that I used and the beautiful connection that we had afterwards. So whether it’s them messing up or you messing up and then coming back to make amends, I have just as many stories that are, you know, I have a lot of discipline stories where we ended up just feeling so connected and having the best conversations afterwards. And then I have a lot of stories where I was the one who came forward and said, Hey, I’m really sorry about what happened and thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for your grace.

I wanna do a makeup, I wanna do a role play all the things. And those always turned into these beautiful conversations and these moments of connection. And we always would go to bed on those evenings just feeling closer, tighter. Like there’s just something magical about allowing your children to see you as a humble person who messes up. Like I think the old school belief system was really that you had to be like this image of superiority with your kids. You know? Like you had to like have this being that was like, I don’t make mistakes.

I’m the end all be all. I know all the answers. Like, you know, you listen to me no matter what. Right? Like that’s kind of the old school model and it just, it just results in so much disconnect, disconnection, right? The new school model is like, no, if you want your children to learn how to admit they’ve made a mistake with humility and without shame, you’ve got to model for them what that looks like. And showing a child and doing it with confidence that I’m gonna do this for you right now. I’m gonna do this makeup, I’m gonna do this role, play redo whenever it may be. And I’m gonna do it with confidence that I am. I am a strong parent.

I’m not permissive. I’m not letting you think that you can rule the roost or anything. I’m just gonna show you that being compassionate and humble is actually really, really strong. Like that’s how strong kind firm leaders operate, right? And so there’s times, I think also when you do this that your child might say to you, you know, if you come to them and you say, Hey, I just wanna do a makeup or a redo cuz I want you to know that I wanna do things differently. And what happened yesterday is not okay and I’ve learned from my mistakes and I wanna leave a new imprint on my brain. And your child may say to you, oh, it’s okay mom, don’t worry about it.

It’s okay. It’s okay, everything’s okay. That’s something that I’ve had happen over the years where I’ve actually turned back to my children and said, you know what? It’s actually not okay. It’s not okay. And I don’t want you to ever think that you have to say that to someone who has hurt you or harmed you or been disrespectful to you. I know that in culture, that’s normally what we say, right? If you haven’t ever listened to the episode I did, on Stop Saying You’re Sorry. It’s actually all about makeups, episode 141. I really enjoyed recording that one for you. But culturally, we are conditioned to think that, you know, we should say, if someone says they’re sorry, we should say it’s okay.

And I’ve always enjoyed over the years teaching my kids to not say it’s okay, but instead to say thank you, it means a lot to me, or thank you, and of course I forgive you, right? But I’ve, I think it’s a great idea just to set, say kids, Hey, instead of saying it’s okay, because child, I want you to understand, I want you to this home to be firmly rooted in the fact that you never, ever deserve to be disrespected, harmed, hurt, humiliated, shamed, et cetera. Like, here’s what I would love for you to start saying, if Mama comes to you and wants to do a makeup or a redo, or if Daddy comes to you and wants to do a makeup or a redo, or just apologize, or whatever it may be, I would love to have you start practicing trying to say Thank you.

It means a lot to me. Thank you. I love you, and of course I forgive you, or thank you for learning how to do things differently, mom. You know, stuff like that. So just know that when you develop the life skill or the skillset of being able to make amends, like I said earlier, it’s just as impactful on your child’s minds and hearts and souls. Then the moments you get it really right, you guys, okay? So just be a parent who leaves a lasting legacy of humility and compassion, and connection, and grace, and courage and vulnerability, you guys, and everyone will benefit.

Okay? Well, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening to this message that was just so deeply put on my heart that I wanted to share with you. I hope that you go out there. You know, you’re gonna have plenty of opportunities to practice this you guys, okay? Our kids are not gonna stop making mistakes, and neither are we. We’re gonna have plenty of times to practice how to do a repair, how to make amends in the relationship. Make sure you listen to the makeup episode. If you want a nice compliment to this, make sure you come and attend My Responsive Parenting Masterclass. It’s such a great way to get yourself really filled up on the front end of how to respond to those triggering moments of misbehavior with grace, with dignity, with that cool, calm, confidence, and firm kindness that I know you all want to do.

So join me for that freshstartfamilyonline.com/responsiveparentingclass. All right, guys. I’ll see you on the next episode. Thanks so much for being here.

All right, families, that’s a wrap. I hope you loved today’s episode as much as I loved recording it for you. If you want to learn more from me, one of the best ways to do that is to hop into one of my free workshops. This month I’m teaching all about Responsive Parenting and you can join me by saving your seat over at freshstartfamilyonline.com/freeclass. 

For links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/147.

Stella:

For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening, families, have a great day.