In this episode, Wendy and Terry talk about lying! Instead of jumping to traditional methods of fear, force & punishment – how can this misbehavior be looked at as a way to create a deeper connection & more honesty between parent & child?
Dealing with lying can actually bring about mutual respect & trust when parents use it to teach their children that they can do things differently the next time and that they can repair relationships with others. If we can embrace mistakes like lying with compassion and grace, they become opportunities for growth. This leads to children who are more likely to tell their parents the truth in the future!
Specifically, Wendy & Terry dive into three main points if you want to raise kids who tell you the truth:
- Don’t nail your kiddo when you find out that she lied
- Focus on rebuilding trust & repairing the relationship instead of becoming reactive over the lie itself
- Dig deeper to see what is motivating your child to lie – fear of being lectured, scolded, punished, or causing worry?
- When your child does fess up to a certain misbehavior or mistake or accident, thank her, for telling the truth!
- Teach your child to listen to himself
- Remember that mistakes are a beautiful way to learn
- Allow your child to build up his own intuition & moral compass by reminding him that he is safe to tell the truth and fully process the feeling of lying and/or making a mistake
- Eventually your child will have strong intrinsic motivation to be honest because he will understand that it feels better in his soul
- Teach your child the lesson you want her to learn, later, in a calm time
- The lesson can still be taught & the misbehavior doesn’t need to be ignored, but the child should not be shamed
- Instead, listen to the circumstances of the lie/misbehavior, ask questions, and allow your kiddo to assess how they felt before, during, and after the mistake
- Encourage your child to think of you as a trusted person when circumstances in their life are going great, and also, when they aren’t going so well
- Teaching our children how & why to make better choices should be the motivating factor when is comes to dealing with lying or any other misbehavior
- Model honesty & confess your own mistakes to your children
Mentioned in this Episode:
- Fresh Start Family Online
- FSF’s Membership Program – The Bonfire
- FSF’s Positive Parenting Course – The Foundations Course
- Sign up for the Responsive Parenting Class!
- Find Wendy on Instagram
Responsive Parenting Workshop:
Want to learn how to respond vs react to misbehavior with calm confidence?
Strategies taught in this workshop work with kids of ALL ages to decrease misbehavior, increase cooperation & build connection in your home!
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Here is the episode transcript!
This episode of The Fresh Start Family Show is brought to you by our free one hour workshop, How to Respond Versus React to Misbehavior with calm confidence, aka, how to keep your cool and not lose your marbles. When your kids push your buttons or make mistakes, you can save your seat over at freshstartfamilyonline.com/freeclass.
Wendy:
Well, hey there listeners, welcome back to the Fresh Start Family Show. I am so happy that you are here and listening with us today. I’m your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach, and today we have what we call an original great episode for you today. Yes, it’s an OG episode. That means it is one of our fan favorites that we recorded actually a long time ago. But I’m telling you the nuggets that we shared in this one, you guys are freaking golden. And because we share some stories that were pretty pivotal for us in our parenthood journey and in our relationship with our children.
And so I wanted to share this episode this month. There are five weeks in this month, which is not always the way it is. So instead of skipping a week, we thought, you know what? Let’s share one of these OG episodes and really give you guys some great tools and ideas on how to work with your kids when you think they are lying. So Liar Liar, Pants on Fire. If you have ever felt like you reacted strongly to a child who you knew was not telling the truth, we wanna offer you an alternate way to respond with grace and dignity and firm kindness all this month here at Fresh Start Family, we have been studying really how to build our muscles as responsive parents instead of reactive parents.
And definitely when you sniff out that your kid is not telling the truth, it is a wonderful opportunity to really flex those responsive muscles because I will tell you, you guys, in my many, many years of experience as an educator and family life coach, and also of course as a mom to two beautiful kiddos that reacting to lying, punishing, when your kids lie, really moving into shame, guilt, intimidation, threats like punishment, all that kind of stuff, it just makes it worse. And it just makes our kids hide their mistakes and hide their lies better next time. So we really wanna have this stance of openness and gratitude when our kids tell the truth.
And in this episode, you’re gonna hear Terry and I talk all about it. So without further ado, enjoy this this OG episode of Liar Liar, Pants on Fire. And remember, guys, if you could use a little extra support when it comes to becoming that responsive parenting that you really want to be, but you’re realizing you have a lot of reactive tendencies, then come join me all this month. I’ve been teaching about how to be a responsive parenting and how to not lose your ish when your kids make mistakes or misbehave in ways that really trigger you. So come on over, join me freshstartfamilyonline.com/responsiveparenting.
So come on over, join and join me and enjoy this episode. Don’t forget to share you guys, if you love this, take a screenshot while you’re listening, go on over to Instagram, post that you love listening, and make sure you tag me. I’m @freshstartwendy if you don’t follow me yet on Instagram or shoot your friends a text with just the title of this episode and let them know it’s a really great, easy listen. All right, you guys enjoy. And thanks as always for being loyal listeners to the Fresh Start Family Show.
Stella:
Well, hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus, and rock and roll, and believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together we hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools, and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.
Wendy:
Well, hey there families, and welcome to our episode today. We wanna chat with you guys about lying, which is one of my favorite subjects because I get so many questions in our membership group, the Bonfire about what to do when you find out kids are lying, or I often get it phrased this way, my kid lies all the time. How do I make him stop? So we have three tips we’re gonna give you today to help you in this area. One of ’em is to not nail your kids when you find out they’re lying. Number two is to teach them to listen to themselves, kind of find their own intrinsic motivation, their own intrinsic kind of moral compass, so to speak.
And then number three, we’re gonna talk about how you can teach them later in a calm time. So all three of these things are going to help guide you to a place where you feel like you can parent your kids through times when you either know they’re lying, found out they’re lying. And also these three things will really help you form relationships with your kids so that in the future they will tell you the truth, which I think is such a common goal from all of, of all of us parents. Right, Terry?
Terry:
Absolutely.
Wendy:
I mean, we all want our kids to tell us the truth.
Terry:
Yeah. And it’s tough because, you know, I know myself like when, when I know like for sure one of the kids is like not telling the truth, it, it sets off a little trigger in me. Like I start to get really irritated.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Terry:
Or like, you know, I think you do kind of jump to these conclusions or you wanna like nip it right there or whatever. So yeah, this is really a really cool episode to, to go through and let’s, let’s give some people some ideas.
Wendy:
Yes. And, and yeah, I think a good place to start is just kind of acknowledging what the traditional approach has been, right? And so we are going to encourage you guys to try on a different approach through, through what we’re gonna teach you today or what we’re gonna discuss. But the traditional approach has always been, you know, when a kid, when you find out a kid is lying, they’re punished, right?
Terry:
Yeah.
Wendy:
It’s as simple as that.
Terry:
Yeah.
Wendy:
Don’t you ever lie to me. Usually there’s some element of fear and force in there of, you know, this, they got this taken away, or you know, they got whatever type of punishment because they did not tell me the truth. And I, and kind of the traditional approach teaches us, like if we don’t scare our kids enough, then you know, they’ll, they’ll go on and they’ll hide stuff from us, but they need to know that that is not acceptable. That, you know, kind of that whole mentality of it’s like you will never be allowed to do that. And you have to tell me the truth, but it’s not based in relationship and mutual respect and trust. It’s more based in fear and force. Would you agree?
Terry:
Yeah. And I think you nailed it right there. It’s like if you can remove the emotion around the, like whatever you’re feeling, right in that moment of being lied to, if you could just be completely neutral, I think what you’re trying to gain back is just that sense of trust, right? So it’s like, okay, the, there there’s, you know, there’s some sort of, you know, trust issue going on that created a lie that then yeah, could create a pattern of lies or create a bigger pattern. But I think what you, what we’re encouraging that you do is to go back to where, where you can dive into that relationship and repair that trust as a way to keep, you know, your child from lying, you know, continually.
Instead of just saying, okay, cool, your stuff’s taken away. I’m like, I’m smarter than you. Like don’t try to fool me, right? I’m smarter than you and I’m gonna take away your stuff. Don’t ever do this ever again. I’m so hurt. I can’t believe you’d do this.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Terry:
Those feelings aren’t wrong. Cause I mean, I, I feel ’em too. It’s like I said, if you could remove all the emotion from it, be neutral, how do you instead dive into repairing the trust?
Wendy:
Yeah. And it is such a great element to bring up as far as like just making sure before we go through these three tips that we look at what’s going on on a deeper level. Because a lot of times when kids lie, in my humble opinion, I think there’s some type of shame element that’s going on that, you know, we live in a culture that often teaches society that mistakes are bad, mistakes should be hidden. If you, if you mess up, you’re bad. Right? Like, you know, so the classic thing I think parents say to kids when they send them off on a play date or a field trip is, okay, be a good girl. Be good. So there’s a lot of like, if you have perfect behavior and if you don’t make mistakes, you’re good. If you mess up and you break something or you steal something, or you, you know, get in trouble at school, that’s misbehavior and you are bad, right?
Right. So I think there’s a lot that comes into play that is sitting with ch with children’s hearts when they make mistakes and they end up lying. It’s not always about us, which I think is what you’re saying, right? It’s if we can remove the emotion from it and see it less as an attack against us and just lo and if you do feel hurt, like, wow, that’s so, that’s hurtful. Like I, I feel hurt that you would lie to me. Like I thought we, you, you know, if you think you have a relationship based on trust, but just acknowledging that yeah, it hurts. And it’s not always about us though, that our kids are, are just figuring out how to do this thing called life and making mistakes and learning that mistakes can be repaired and that they’re just part of life.
And that you can always learn from mistakes, right? I mean, that’s a big part of what we teach here at Fresh Start Family that then puts children in a different place where they can come to us and say, oh, mom and dad, I blew it. I made a mistake, I stole something, I lied, I did something I shouldn’t of. And we actually have a story for you guys today that I think is gonna be really powerful that’s about our 11 and a half year old Stella. It is a beautiful representation of, of everything we’re going to encourage you to try out today, but this really does apply to kids of every age. So let’s get, let’s get right into it. So number one, it’s so important families that when you find out, you know, when your kids do tell you the truth, that you don’t nail them for it.
So this is the classic, like, you know, your kid gets in the car, it’s, it’s, you know, maybe they’re coming outta preschool or they’ve had a elementary school day where it’s like they come home with a red card or maybe they’re, let’s just say they don’t even come home with a red card or a mark on their hand. That’s what our kindergarten used to do when our kids were little, they’d put like a red mark – scarlet, you know, scarlet letter on their hand that would represent that they talked in class or that they, you know, hit a kid or whatever misbehavior they had. But let’s just say they don’t come home with that and they get in the car and they’re like, mom, you know, I got in trouble today. Like, I, I hit Johnny on the playground or you know, I, I stole something.
And, and I mean, normally kindergartners are more hiding this, I think we have stories from both of our kids where they were more lying. But I’m just proposing a story where they do tell you the truth. Yeah. What is our classic response parents? What’s – Terry, what is the classic, like, mom, I hit Johnny today. Like if back take that. We’re not in positive parenting. Cuz it’s funny, Terry and I, it’s hard for us to go backwards cuz a lot of times when I teach I’m like, I can’t even come up with it because I’m so, I’m so trained in a different thought process.
Terry:
We’re connected to so many, you know, thousands of families, you know, through the Bonfire community and beyond too. I think we’ve, we’ve heard a lot of stories, even if it’s not our own personal stuff.
Wendy:
Yeah. So what’s the classic response?
Terry:
I mean, the classic response is like, oh no, how could you do that?
Wendy:
Right. Why?
Terry:
How could you do that? Why, why did you do that? Like,
Wendy:
That is not nice. Or
Terry:
We’re gonna have to talk about this when we get home. Or your dad’s gonna, oh man, wait till I tell dad. Or like, there’s gonna be this, I think fear imposing
Wendy:
Yeah.
Terry:
Of like
Wendy:
Disappointment.
Terry:
I gotta puff up and and actually come down on you instead of soft instead of listener or soften. Yeah.
Wendy:
And thank them. Right. So
Terry:
I got a whole, I got a lecture there. There’s probably like this whole thing of like, oh, now I gotta give the why lying is bad.
Wendy:
Well, and
Terry:
speech.
Wendy:
Yeah. Well and in this scenario we’re we’re just saying that the kiddo admitted that he made a mistake. Right? Right. Not about the lying, so to speak.
Terry:
Sure.
Wendy:
But it’s like, hey, I made a mistake. Or, you know, even you could, I’m sure a lot of you with the younger kids, you could think of a time at the park where, you know, you’re, you walk up and you’re like, what happened? Why are you guys fighting? And, and your little guy is like, I hit him cuz he is mean or something. And then we normally go into the, like the lecturing. So lecturing, fear, scolding, shaming, making sure they really know how bad it was, what they did. That’s kind of the classic response. And so today we’re encouraging you to put on the brakes and change because that is not going to create a relationship where your kid feels safe telling you the truth.
That will create a, a, a consistent pattern where your kid thinks to himself, okay, when I make a mistake, I need to hide it. Because when I tell my parents the truth, they either lecture, scolded, shame, or punish me. And I don’t like that. It doesn’t feel good. And they, it’s, they’re just not going to tell you the truth guys. So fast forward a decade, your kids are gonna become teenagers and you’re gonna be scratching your head and blaming them on why they won’t tell you the truth about driving in cars with people who drink or, you know, drinking at high school parties or, you know, having sex. Like this is the kind of stuff that you’ve gotta set it up way in advance to have a mutually respectful relationship based on trust.
if you want your kids to tell you the truth a decade from now. And we really are seeing the fruits of that, but it’s taken a lot of hard work, right?
Terry:
Yeah.
Wendy:
But so what we’re proposing for you today is when, when your kid does that, when your kid actually tells you the truth, I hit him because he is mean. Or I, you know, I got in trouble for stealing today or whatever it is, you get to stop and say, thank you so much for telling me the truth. And parents, if there’s steam coming outta your head and you’re just like, oh my gosh, what’s wrong with my kid? I’m so embarrassed. Like, what does the teacher think of me? What is the people at the play date? Whatever it is, just put your hand on your heart. Take a few deep breaths. Remember your kids are just learning. They’re growing, they’re gonna make mistakes. Mistakes are a beautiful way to learn. And the more you teach your kids that, and the more you embrace that truth, the more you can then move on to actually teaching your kids, which we’re gonna talk more about here in a second.
But the first step you guys, is really just acknowledging thank you so much for telling me the truth. Thank you for admitting that you did hit him.
Terry:
Yeah. And most kids, I feel like if you give them, you know, a chance, like there are gonna be some instances where they do bring some truth to you. So whether it’s a little thing or a big thing like, like Wendy’s saying, like use that opportunity as a way to, you know, cement in them that there’s this trust that when they come to you with something that’s uncomfortable, they’re not just gonna get nailed. Right. You know, right away. Otherwise that’s gonna condition them to just be like, well that didn’t feel good. I’m not gonna do that anymore.
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All right you guys go check out Tonies after today’s episode ends. But for now, let’s get back to the show.
Wendy:
Yes, exactly. My favorite mentor and dear friend to, to both Terry and I, Susie Walton always tells this really cool story about a study they did here in San Diego, California was, I think decades ago now, but they, they did a survey of a thousand teenagers and they said, Hey teens, who would you love? Like one of the many questions, who would you like to talk to when you have a problem? And almost all of them said, we would love to talk to our parents. And then they asked again, now, who do you actually talk to when you have a problem? And the majority of them said, anybody except for my parents, because my parents will either lecture, scold, punish me or stay up all night worrying.
And I just, I just can’t talk to them. And that is a reality I think, of what happens in so many homes. Right. And that is a conditioned pattern, right?
Terry:
Yeah.
Wendy:
So, so let’s change it up families and let’s actually tell our kids that they’re safe being imperfect humans in our home. And that takes a lot of courage. But just get used to it. Try it on, be courageous in that moment. And instead of scolding, nagging, you know, shaming them, telling them how bad it was, doubling down. Because a lot of times they’ve already gotten in trouble at school or they’ve already had a natural consequence when they’re, when they hit a kid at the park and the kid threw sand in their eyes. It’s kind of a natural consequence, right? Like, we don’t always need to double down on the lesson. We just need to listen and say, thank you so much for telling me the truth. It’s okay to ask questions like, tell me what happened.
Tell me more. How did you feel? You know, what, what did the teacher say? You know, was she angry? Were you embarrassed? Like, what was the feeling? And then, thank you so much for telling me and leave it at that. Yeah. Okay. So number two is number two and three is two is teach them to listen to themselves, to really get in touch with that moral compass, that kind of intuition so to speak. What whether you call it intuition, your moral compass, whether you call it listening to God or Christ when you’re in a, a pickle or in a challenging situation.
Terry:
Conscience. Yeah.
Wendy:
You’re conscious. And then teach the number three is teach them later in a calm time. Okay? Cause it’s, we always say in the work of positive parenting and the Foundations Course and the Bonfire community that you don’t feel like, you don’t feel like you have to teach immediately all the time. Because when emotions are heightened, it’s not always a great time. It’s usually not a great time to teach because no one’s in a good position to be a teacher and no one’s usually in a good position to be a student. So starting with number two is really help them understand what it feels like when they choose to have a certain behavior, right? Or when they’re tempted to not tell the truth.
So I’ll go ahead and tell the story here and we can kind of use it for context. But so about two weeks ago, which kind of caused Terry and I to say, oh, this would be a good episode, we gotta record on this is a Stella, who’s 11 and a half now, came home from a sleepover and she, I actually picked her up from her junior guard’s lifeguard camp at the beach. She had been at a sleepover with her best friend she’s been best friends with since birth with this little girl. And, and this, the little girl’s, parents are like family to us, like their Stella would easily go live at their house and we would easily have their little girl live at our house. They’re just awesome family. But I pick her up, she gets in the car and we’re at the beach.
I’m in the roundabout for pickup. And she gets in the car and she immediately looks at me and goes, mom, I made a mistake. I lied to Tandy and Matt and I told ’em that I’ve seen Bird Box, which is rated R movie that we, we don’t watch. The kids obviously watch rated R movies. I lied to them. We, and we watched Bird Box and she says, and she’s just like a mess. And she’s like, and I realized halfway through that I shouldn’t have lied. And I decided to tell ’em the truth. And we finished the movie and they laughed. They weren’t mad at me, but it, like, it, it was crazy. And I’m so sorry, I lied. Like, are you mad at me? Are you disappointed in me?
Like all this stuff. And she just spilled her guts. And it was one of those moments, right, where I got to practice what I preach and just listen. Because for a moment I like went to like, what do you, dude, what? Like, why would you do that? You know, you’re not allowed to do that. And then you’re in your head creeps in the whole, like, this is why I don’t always say yes to sleepovers. Like, you know, all the lecturing can easily come to your mind. But I was able to nip it pretty well. And I was like, okay, just, I’m here to listen. And, and I had promised to buy her and her little brother, like a little ice cream from the Snack Shack. Like that’s what our little routine was after camp each day. And her brother was like, come on Stella. I’m like, look, go get the ice cream and I just need a minute.
I just need a minute to decompress and to take a few deep breaths here. And, and as she went to get that little ice cream, I was really able to, to take some deep breaths and keep myself in check and, and do that pause button that we teach in the Foundations Course and really think about what my intention was. And it was to teach, right? Always to teach is such a good one that you guys can call on families when you’re, when you’re trying to calm down and, and step talk, talk yourself off the ledge of like moving into the volcanic reactionary state. So she came back and, and I, and she was like, are you mad at me? I’m like, I am not mad at you. I am just so grateful that you told me the truth. I am so grateful that you told Tandy and Matt the truth and we’ll talk about it when we get home.
And so we got home and she’s still just a mess. And I’m like, just go take a shower. It’s okay. Everything’s okay. Like, I’m not honey, I’m not mad. I’m just, I’m just grateful you told me the truth. And so we really got to sit into that like gratitude over and over again. I got to tell her. So I’m sitting downstairs finishing some work, and she gets, gets outta the shower, she comes downstairs again, she’s 11 and a half at this a you know, this point in time. And she comes down and she just melts into me on the couch and she just starts crying. And she says, mom, I just feel so bad about this mistake I made. And I said, well honey, that’s, that’s what’s called guilt. That’s what’s, you know, that’s a, a beautiful, actually a guiding emotion that just kind of reinforces that you made a choice that you would do differently tomorrow.
Terry:
And, and to be clear, just so you know what the, like her specific lie was about was her telling these parents that she had seen the movie before was her way of saying, it’s okay for us to watch. I’ve seen it like, it’s totally fine for everybody to watch. It’s fine for your daughter to watch. It’s not that bad. I’ve seen it. And so that, that was, that was what was
Wendy:
The
Terry:
Lie. Yeah. Yeah. That was,
Wendy:
Yeah, that was the mistake.
Terry:
That was the mistake. Yeah.
Wendy:
Yeah. And, and then, and then the fact that sh yeah, it was a combination of lying. So
Terry:
Keep going. I just wanted to make sure just
Wendy:
Cause well, and like we’re, you know, we’re, we really coach parents to, to learn how to seek to understand what’s underneath this behavior. And so we’re, we feel like we, we try to do that as much as we can with our kids. And you can see very clearly from the beginning. And her brother even pointed out in the car she wanted to be cool. And at her age, like she’s in a few different bands. She hangs out with some older kids. She’s always loved to hold, hang out with older kids. And at this point, a big motivator for her is to be cool. So she’s, she says it a lot. And her brother pointed out, she’s, you said you just wanted to be cool, didn’t you? And she, she actually responded to him in the car with you are absolutely right, Terrin. I mean, she was so humble in this moment. And, and a Stella is like a radical human being.
She has a tendency to be a little non-humble at –
Terry:
Humble’s not usually not the first word,
Wendy:
Not the first word you think of, right? But in this moment, she was so humble and she was like, I made a mistake. And just so clearly and cleanly accepting it. And then to have her brother point out something like that, and for her to be like, yeah, you’re right. I just wanted to be cool. I was trying to be cool. So, so anyways, so as she came downstairs back to like, you know, she melted into me and she’s just crying, you know, warm tears are streaming down her face and I’m just hugging her and I’m, it’s okay. And she goes, mom, I just want you to un, I just want you to know that I understand why you guys have such strong boundaries. I understand why you don’t let us watch rated R movies. I understand why you won’t let me get a phone until high school. I mean, and these are big discussion points in our family that we’ve been sticking to these limits for a long time now, right?
And so it was just so beautiful to see her be like, I get it, mom. And I get it because I made the mistake. And we always say to you guys, a lot of you who have power kids and also these kind of kinesthetic kids who are moving a lot of like toddlers are notorious when they’re kinesthetic kids, they’re the hitters, the pushers, the biters, the like throwing. I just had a Bonfire member today contact us in our group. Her little boy threw rocks and broke a door. And it’s like they, they are the movers and the doers of the world and they learn by doing, it’s so hard for parents, but they literally learn by making mistakes and then repairing and making amends and doing it differently next time.
So in this situation, you could so clearly see that she learned by actually just making a mistake
Terry:
Doing it. And then she had to feel what that felt like. Yes. And it didn’t sit right. And I think a lot of that didn’t sit right, came from your, you know, the step one or the, you know, the point 1 in this podcast was, is like when you, when you gave the, the idea of asking like how did, how’d you feel, how’d you feel in listening to that? Like if she hadn’t have had some seeds planted in her, in that kind of realm?
Wendy:
Yeah,
Terry:
I think she wouldn’t know how it felt. And I think she wouldn’t know what to do with that feeling when she did feel it. That it’s like, oh, this doesn’t feel right because if it doesn’t feel right, there’s a few options. You’re like, oh, I could hide it. I could –
Wendy:
Keep going with it.
Terry:
keep going with it.
Wendy:
Yeah,
Terry:
I could when asked keep lying, you know, all these things. But no, she felt the feeling and was like, Nope, I’m just going to, you know, expose it, put it out there
Wendy:
Because she didn’t see it as weak.
Terry:
Right. And she’s gonna bring it to someone she trusts.
Wendy:
Yes. Which is both her friend’s parents and us.
Terry:
Yes.
Wendy:
Because she’s been taught that just cuz she makes a mistake doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. So fair parents, can you see how this opens up a whole new world for you? Your kids will hide less when they don’t feel like they’re, they’re bad human beings. Like it just reduces shame. Like Yeah, people make mistakes. Like, you know, it’s, and so she clearly was able to, but, but in that moment, Terry, it’s cool, like you’re saying is I was able to keep going deeper with her and she’s crying into my arms and I’m just like, okay, well tell, tell me more. Like, looking back, like what was that feeling like when you first said, I’ve watched Bird Box and we should watch that movie. Yeah. No big deal. Like how did that feel?
Where did you feel it in your body? Like, was there a tension in your stomach? And I forget what she said, but I think she might have said her throat or her heart or something felt off and, and then I was like, oh, okay. And how did it feel like, you know, when you, you actually told the truth and she got to say like, oh, I felt, I felt better even though I was embarrassed. I felt a lot better. The tension went away. I forget exactly what she said, but we spent time analyzing that and looking at it so she could actually just one day later cement and solidify what it feels like to be in a position where you’re tempted to do something that would be called misbehavior or make a mistake. Then what it feels like when you make the mistake in your body, in your heart, in your soul, who, who you’re listening to, right?
Like if you, if you have moments, kiddos where you, you know, as we’re teaching them where you listen to that small still voice, whether you call that guidance from Jesus or just your intuition or the universe, whatever you call it. But we teach our kids that that is often guidance from God to, to do, to make an action step that would be in line with with your morals. With your faith.
Terry:
Yeah. And I mean, think about this too, it’s like, whether it’s a kid or an adult, this idea of confession is like, it’s kind of scary. It feels like this big thing. You’re just like, oh, how do I, I gotta avoid that. That just seems, that’s scary. I don’t know, it’s probably easier just to bury it or lie or whatever, but think about it.
Wendy:
Or you do it in secret or you do, I know my, my mom, you know, grew up in the Catholic world where you do it in secret.
Terry:
Sure. But imagine there being someone or something that you trust enough to bring it to and that feeling that you have after you get through it and that you’re forgiven compare that feeling to the the hiding it and the bearing it and all those things. And like, I think we all know like, which, which feeling you’d trade for. So I think we’re, what we’re just trying to do is just, you know, guide our kids through that and have us be part of those trusted faces and those trusted souls in their lives.
Wendy:
Yes, exactly. Because we do represent so much, right? Like they often will look at the world in the way we treat them, right? So they’re gonna be able to trust their boss or trust their teacher or trust their classmates, or, you know, Stella’s a tween at this point where relationships get rocky with girls. Like there starts to become a lot of cattiness and like, I mean, what we’re talking about in this episode, I love that. I know when she goes out into the world with her relationships with girlfriends, that she’s gonna try her best to apply the same things out there. Right? And I’m telling you, there’s not, there’s a lot of the opposite going on with the friendships within her fifth grade class this last year. I mean, it’s been crazy to watch like that what we’re talking about today doesn’t happen with all those girls.
So that’s been cool, right?
Terry:
Yeah, absolutely.
Hey families! Quick pause to thank Parent Playbook for their continued support of The Fresh, Start Family Show and to tell you about the wonderful work they are doing to inspire and support parents. You heard us interview them a few months ago, but I just love the mission they have to help parents feel confident in their parenting walk so that they can create a positive future for themselves. And the next generation.
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Terry:
Funny, funny thing that just popped in my head too is like, for anybody that’s seen Meet the Parents or meet the Fockers, it’s like, it’s like the circle of trust, you know?
Wendy:
Yeah.
Terry:
It’s like you just wanna keep yourself and your kids in the, the circle circle of trust. I mean, obviously Robert DeNiro does a bunch of extreme things, but I think in the, like, the spirit of it is, is like you just want to remain in the circle of trust with your kids.
Wendy:
That’s a perfect example. Yeah. Oh my gosh. But remember families, what we’re not telling, we’re not telling you that you have to like say what they’ve done is okay. It’s not the same thing as being like, oh, it’s okay that you threw a rock at the door and shattered the glass. It’s okay that you hit the kid at the park. Like, it’s okay. Like that is, that would be, you know, permissive. And we don’t, we’re not encouraging you to do that. We’re just encouraging you to listen to what was going on for them when they chose to do what they did, how they felt, teach ’em to, to look at all that and just to listen to ’em and thank them for telling you the truth.
Terry:
And we’re also not saying too, to ignore it. I mean, I think there’s a, a category of parents that are just like, I’m not equipped to deal with that. I’m just gonna let like water go under the bridge and just do nothing. I think that would also be a different version of permissive to where you’re, you’re actually missing an opportunity to, to bond with your kids and go through real life with them and have yourself be looked at as an advocate for them and a trusted person for them. Not in a way like Wendy’s saying that you’re saying it’s okay, but just like, Hey, I can be a trusted person in your life for when things are great or things aren’t so great.
Wendy:
Yes. Yeah. And our kids are going to have temptations as they get old. I mean, they have temptations the whole life. So this is such a beautiful way to set them up for success of like the classic, okay, like if your friends are jumping off a bridge, are you gonna jump off a bridge? Well, if they never have experience listening to themselves or making small mistakes and having parents who walk them through what they would’ve done differently if they were to do it next time, they’re not gonna have the experience or the confidence to not jump off the bridge, if that makes sense. So I feel like it’s all kind of intermingled with that. But the last point, you guys that kind of will summarize all this and and wrap it up is teach in a later time.
So whatever happened, you know, if you can withhold from the lecturing and the teaching, so to speak, which usually is more of a lecturing in the heightened moment when you find out about the lie or the mistake or the misbehavior, save it for later when you’re in bed, snuggling, tucking them in. Or I know we’re sitting next to my bookshelf here where I have like probably 20 books that teach kids about things like self-control, how to not talk in class, how to keep your hands to yourself, how to use kind words. And instead of like, you know, hurtful words towards people. Like, there’s so many ways that we teach families in the foundations course in the Bonfire membership program to teach their kids important life lessons without punishment, so to speak, which is based on, you know, know, fear and force usually and making sure they pay for their mistake versus compassionate discipline, which is like, Hey, I’m gonna teach you how to make a different choice tomorrow and why you wanna make a different choice.
And also, this is when I’m gonna tell you why it’s so important in our family that we tell the truth. Like we have firm limits around telling the truth. We have firm limits about keeping our hands to ourselves, firm limits around using kind words when you are having a, a challenge with someone at your friendship group, whatever it is. But that’s when you’re gonna be able to actually teach your kids in a way where they’ll listen and where, where they’ll actually take your guidance and apply it the next day.
Terry:
Yeah. And I think, so that’s like a, That’s like a way that you can sit down and intentionally like teach, like have this teaching moment. But maybe another way of teaching too, Wendy, is bringing something to the table where you’ve made a mistake to your kid.
Wendy:
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Terry:
Because, you know, I would imagine that as parents, we’re not walking around like lying a whole bunch and all these things to where you’re going around having to confess a lie to your children. I don’t know, maybe you do and if you do, like I encourage you, you know, to think about how you might be able to bring that to the table. But even just below that, below the surface of that is like a mistake that you’ve made that might be something that either you’re embarrassed about or something that might not be something that you’re super proud of, but that you could bring to the table. And it doesn’t have to be the biggest thing in the world. I mean, it could, you know, one jumps to my head the other day, I, I make a point to tell my kids when I do make a mistake, it’s like, you know what?
I ran outta gas today.
Wendy:
Oh, that’s right. You really did.
Terry:
Well it’s not today when I’m recording it. I brought that to the kids that it was like, that was, so this is not a proud moment.
Wendy:
Sorry. We just like barely looked at that because we’re so busy. But that was so funny you ran out of gas.
Terry:
Yeah. And you know, was it, you know, you know, judging mistakes like on the grand scheme of things, was that huge? You know? No, but when you think about it, I’m like, I think that’s the first time I ran outta gas in my entire life. I ran outta gas on a motorcycle before, but in a car
Wendy:
And it made you late to a meeting.
Terry:
It made me late to a meeting. I full well, knew that I was low on gas. I just like stubbornly like, just pushed it. And then sure enough, like ran outta gas like within a mile of my office, had to like, you know, I was actually on a conference call, had to tell my coworkers that were in the office like, Hey guys, I got one more point to bring up here. I ran outta gas so I had to confess it to them. Right. Felt stupid in front of them. But then I brought it home to the kids too, as a way just to be like, I made, dad made a mistake today. Yeah. I ran outta gas. You know what I had to do? I had to call for help. I had to, you know, call somebody I trusted, they gave me a ride. I had to go into a, a, a convenience store. I had to buy a gas tank thing for 10 bucks.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Terry:
Fill up, go back, fill up my car. My hand smelled like gas rest today. I was late to the meeting and whatever. I mean, it’s just whatever the mistake is for you guys. I think showing them that you make ’em too, it kind of brings their guard down a little bit so that they’re more willing to like, bring a mistake to you and just be like, yeah, we all make mistakes, you know? Yeah.
Wendy:
That’s a good point. Yeah. I love that.
Terry:
You love that. You love when I make mistakes.
Wendy:
No, I, I do laugh at you, but yeah, it’s just such an important point. I mean, there’s so many things that we, we could give like five more points here on how to, you know, prevent your kids from lying or deal with lying. But it makes me think of the skate park, right? Like a few weeks ago I was, it was international go skateboarding day. I was getting super excited to drop in on small ramps and big ramps with the kids. But the mistake was I let a, a fellow mom who was very excited to teach me how to drop in on bigger ramps, she took me up to a bigger ramp that I clearly, my internal guide, like my gut, the voices, whatever they were, were saying, just go sit down.
You’re 42 years old, you’re not a child who can like, should be dropping in on this giant cement ramp or whatever it’s called. Ledge pool. What is it?
Terry:
What is that? Quarter pipe? Or like a bowl? Yeah.
Wendy:
But I didn’t listen to myself. And so that, like, I know we, we talked about this a little bit with the kids, but it would be great for me to revisit because it’s a great story, right? Like it, that was a mistake
Terry:
With peer pressure.
Wendy:
I broke my shoulder, you guys,
Terry:
And you gave into some peer pressure.
Wendy:
I gave into some peer pressure and I don’t blame her at all. And, and they’ve heard me tell this story a million times over the last month cuz I literally still have a broken shoulder. But they, but it’s a great story to tell them, like, that was a mistake. I did. I listened to other people and I, I bought into this like, it was a fun peer pressure environment, but it was clearly peer pressure. And I should have listened to myself and I clearly was, my internal self was saying, Wendy, you did a lot, you learned how to drop in on a lot. Now go sit down. So anyways, it’s great. I just love the point of like, find those mistakes you guys and be excited to point them out to your kids because that will give, that will take you so far.
If you have a goal to have your kids not lie to you, that what Terry just said will, will get you so much farther. It’s basically an example of what modeling looks like once you tell kids to tell them the truth. Yeah. To tell you the truth, you tell them the truth
Terry:
Because hiding things, whether it be them from us or us from them, is probably a close cousin to lying. You know? So don’t hide things from your kids.
Wendy:
Yeah. Because it doesn’t make you weak. Yeah. The fact that you are outta gas, the fact that I broke my shoulder, it doesn’t make us weak. It just makes us human. We’re just human beings. We just, everyone makes mistakes and the faster we can take responsibility, not blame other people and say, you know what, this is what I’ve learned, and the next time I’m gonna choose to do it differently.
Terry:
Yeah. They see how you, you navigate from there because otherwise they’re lost. They, they don’t know how to navigate from, like, I’ve never seen what it looks like to come back from a mistake or repair a relationship or, you know.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Terry:
Just reach out to somebody in a vulnerable time.
Wendy:
Yeah, exactly. Awesome you guys. All right. So let’s summarize real quick, the three points that we talked about, if you wanna raise kids that tell you the truth. So number one is don’t nail them when they do tell you the truth about a misbehavior or a mistake that they made. Number two is teach them to listen to themselves. Teach them to understand what intrinsic motivation and their own internal compass or their heart is guiding them to do. And then number three is teach later in a calm time when emotions have settled, okay? But try those out. Families, I think you’re gonna find over the long term, in the long run, they really do work to create mutually respectful relationships with your kids where everybody tells the truth and you’re able to make amends and repair mistakes instead of hide them.
All right, families, that’s a wrap. I hope you loved today’s episode as much as I loved recording it for you. If you want to learn more from me, one of the best ways to do that is to hop into one of my free workshops. This month I’m teaching all about Responsive Parenting and you can join me by saving your seat over at freshstartfamilyonline.com/freeclass.
For links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/148.
Stella:
For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening, families, have a great day.
