On this episode of The Fresh Start Family Show, Wendy and Terry discuss self-control – how to strengthen our own while also teaching our children to build theirs. They discuss the importance of modeling self-control as the best way to teach our kids this important life skill.
Since self-control is something that continues to grow and develop as we age, it’s beautiful to be able to learn and practice this skill together with our children.
Giving our kids choices while simultaneously asking them what we want them to do increases their ability to manage their self-control and also leads to greater cooperation.
Practicing with our kids what we actually want them to do to have better self-control is key to helping them to strengthen their self-control skills.
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Episode Highlights
- Three ways to increase self-control in our homes
- Growing through messes and mistakes in childhood and parenthood
- Ideas for developing a “calming bag” for both you and your kids
- Tips for practicing what we want our kids to do by role playing
- Explanation of what a “redo” is and how it can help kids and their parents learn, reset, and get a fresh start when self control is needed
Resources Mentioned:
- International Network for Children & Families (Redirecting Children’s Behavior)
- The Joy of Parenting Course with Susie Walton
Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!
This episode of the Fresh Start Family Show is brought to you by our Quick Start Learning bundle to raise strong-willed kids with integrity. This two pack learning bundle comes with a downloadable learning guide and also a free online workshop with me all about what to do when your kids say, no, I won’t. And you can’t make me in one way or another. Cuz we all know our beautiful, strong-willed kiddos resist in lots of different ways. Head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/free to grab your quick start bundle and get started learning with me today.
Stella:
Well, hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus, and rock and roll, and believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together we hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools, and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show
Wendy:
Well. Hello. Hello families. Let’s talk about self-control today. Yep.
Terry:
It’s a hard one.
Wendy:
Who’s got some drama? That’s a good one. Drama. Yes, it is a good one because so many of us who are raising little human souls are probably being tested in the area of self-control. So, and that’s both, both having self-control when you feel like you kind of just wanna like, ugh,
Terry:
I always remember that, you know, my report cards coming home. Like I feel like the first time I was aware of a report card was like third grade and there was that self-control category and there was always that like, oh, they’re keeping track of all the times I like did this or did that.
Wendy:
Yes, absolutely. Oh my gosh, that’s such a funny memory. But yeah, it’s like most of us in our homes, if we’re being honest, would agree that many of us are struggling with self-control when it comes to not reacting to our kids in a whole bucket of other stuff that we’ll talk about in this episode. And then also teaching our kids how to have more self-control. So our kids that are maybe having trouble keeping their hands to themselves or speaking with kindness or getting along with their siblings, or not talking in class, you know, this all kind of goes under the umbrella of self-control. So we thought it would be fun to cover three ways you can both model self-control in your home and then also teach your kids how to strengthen their self-control muscles.
Wendy:
So today is gonna be a good conversation. So let’s start off with number one. So modeling self-control. What do we mean by that? So in this work, and definitely within Fresh Start family, we’re all about honesty and becoming just aware of what’s going on in your home. So it’s such a great place to start if you can actually pinpoint some areas where you could use some strengthening with your self-control. And so this does a few things for us as parents, but I think it’s really a great place to start because it helps us remember that we are all in this together as a team, as a family.
I really think self, self-control is one of those life skills that you end up sharpening and strengthening over a lifetime. It’s not something that you turn 18 and you’re like, cool, I got it. I’m only going to eat the kind of foods I want to eat now and I’m only going to drink what I wanna drink and I’m never gonna gossip about anybody. And I’m just like, I’m just gonna like, like be, I’m perfectly refined, right? It’s like it’s actually something that it’s, it’s just another one of those life skills which we focus so much on in this work. So it’s really cool to remember that our kids are figuring out how to do this thing we call life. And we also are figuring out how to do this thing called life specifically parenting. So I know I can think of a few right off the bat that I’ve really worked on over the last decade, and some of them I still continue to work on.
But like for example, one of them was self-control in the ability to actually step to the side and not react. When I was, I got super angry at the kids and still to this day I’ve, I’ve gone from maybe before I was like a level like eight, I was just a super reactive volcanic. Like I would slam a door in an instant or yell or that type of thing. And now I feel like I’m, I’ve, I’ve taken it really far, I’m back down to like a two down, you know, to a point where I’m like, okay, I feel I feel good about this. So yeah, slamming doors, yelling is one of those areas that I’m like, all right, cool. I’ve gained some, a lot of self-control in that area, but I still actually have to make sure I manage that and look at it.
And so how about ut any, anything come to mind that you
Terry:
Well, I think, you know, in, in the adult version of self-control, like, you know, there is this like line, I think this imaginary line where you’re like, you know, I’m cool up to this point, but the moment you cross this, right? Like, what, you know, what is that? So, you know, in, in parenting, and I’ve, I’ve talked about this a little bit as like, some of that comes in the form of like, oh, if the kids seem like they’re like ganging up on mom or they’ve like, they’ve said something that really like put mom back in a corner, things like that. I go into this like protection mode of like, oh, I’m gonna swoop in and like show the kids it’s not okay to like, don’t mess with my woman.
You know?
Wendy:
Yes. Yeah.
Terry:
So I think there’s that, but then there’s self-control in, in so many parts of my life it’s like, you know what, yeah. Don’t need that bowl of cereal at 10 o’clock at night or that, or that last drink or like whatever it is, you know. So it’s like, it’s so many things just to like remind yourself and that’s a funny one, but it is a reminder that it’s like, you know, when our kids are like, they want dessert on a regular Tuesday when it’s not the type of night that you’re going to do a big dessert. It’s like, I sometimes want that dessert too, you know? Yeah. So like I’m a work in progress when it comes to, to that. And I think, you know, with this work, with any work, the moment that you can actually admit that yourself y you’re in a state of learning and that you can kind of be more self-aware of the things that you’re doing, the more you can actually get in and figure out how do we work on the kids’ side of it too.
Wendy:
Yeah, absolutely. I just thought of another one too, as like, I know a lot of, I think a lot of parents, us, you know, especially like, well I think all parents we struggle with like wanting to fix it real fast. And so I think there’s some self-control as, as we strengthen and become more fluent in positive parenting curriculum for sure. But this, you know, resisting the urge to just fix it for the kids, tell ’em what to do, control overpower. Like, it’s all kind of a version of that where sometimes it takes a lot of self-control to just be like, you know what? You got this. Like, especially when with our kids, when it comes to sibling rivalry and, and conflict like it, there’s so many times I’m tempted to be like, dude, what is wrong with you guys?
Like, you, you are the cause of this. Just stop being mean. Or, or like, ah, you know, we’re gonna talk a lot about sibling sibling rivalry in conflict on this podcast. It’s one of, you know, it’s one of our, our biggest learning areas that I think God continues to refine our our hearts through. But, but yeah, it’s one, I think it’s just another example of like, it it takes a lot of of self-control to remember that our kids are capable of doing a lot on their own and they don’t need us to fix everything. And so that’s been a cool journey for me is, is remembering that and resisting the urge to like, jump in. And whether that’s your kid tying his shoes or, you know, getting frustrated that he can’t put the top on his cup or your kid’s like fighting about something,
Terry:
Sometimes you gotta let the mess play out a little bit.
Wendy:
I know. Like
Terry:
That’s true. Yeah, it’s true. Yeah. And that’s hard. I mean, that takes self-control as a parent Yeah. To just let, let them kind of unravel a little bit, see if they’re going to, you know, see how they, they work it out first and then come alongside them instead of over top of them type of thing.
Wendy:
Yeah. Yes. And that, I mean, that’s like, we’ll definitely have many podcasts about that is just this idea that messiness and mistakes and just kind of like challenging spots or situations with your kids or in your parenting walk are, are actually beautiful opportunities to learn. And a lot of times when we prevent the messes or prevent mistakes from being happened, usually by that kind of overpowering or controlling or fixing, we miss out on opportunities to actually teach in this really deep capacity. So messes and mistakes are a really important part of childhood. They’re a really important part of humanity and parenting and, you know, through this work that we, we work so hard to implement into our homes, you really do realize that once you make it through some storms where you’re like, like, whoa, in the past I would’ve laid the smack down or fixed that or controlled it or overpowered, and then you let it ride through and you let everybody kind of take care of what they need to take care of, repair relationships, make amends, fix messes, then it’s, it’s actually very empowering for the whole family.
Yeah. And I, I think, you know, through a lot of like people’s parenting journey, there’s like this idea of, you know, having to be this authority figure or being this, you know, friend that’s too permissive and that there’s really no middle ground. But I look at this as like almost being an ally. Just like, so that when you’re, when your child looks at you, it’s like you’re an ally, you’re a safe place. It doesn’t mean you’re gonna think that everything they do is okay, but it does mean that you’re going to acknowledge and realize that they’re gonna be in a mess sometimes. And you can be an ally and you can be a safe way out of that.
Wendy:
Absolutely. I love that. And last thing about modeling before we move on to point number two here, is just that modeling will always, parents always, always, always, always, always be our best way to teach our kids. It will usually I find the hardest too, because we really have to start with ourselves and be very open and vulnerable and honest with what we need to change in order to teach them. But it is always the best way to teach. I mean, just recently in our bonfire membership program, we’ve had so many incredible success stories. One in particular this cool little family in the UK who, you know, mom thought she was like just failing.
She was just like, you know what? I’ve had a really hard week. This particular family is, is just recovering from a lot of grief within, you know, their own family. And, and it’s just been a hard year for them. And she recently shared, you know, I’ve just, I spent the last week feeling like a failure and I’m really trying to implement more like self calming and modeling what self-control looks like and not flip out on the kids or yell at ’em or you know, try to overpower ’em, control ’em, all this, all these beautiful things that she’s trying to switch up. But she shared, you know, I just feel like a failure because I’m walking away like every two minutes I feel like I’m just like, I can’t deal with you guys. I gotta go calm down. And so, you know, she says I was, I’m feeling hopeless.
And then one day she was in the shower last week and she heard her, her little ones kind of having an argument downstairs and I think they’re, they might be five and seven or six and eight. She has a younger one too, but she said her little girl kind of stomps up into the bathroom and she was like, what’s going on? And because you know, parents, we just wanna take a shower. Yeah. Like, can we just like when your kids are little basic
Terry:
Stuff.
Wendy:
Yeah. Oh my gosh. And like the days when you’re just like, really guys, I can’t even take a shower. Like all
I need is 10 minutes. Yeah, there’s your line right there. Yeah.
Wendy:
But she said her little girl came up in the bathroom and she was like, what is going on? And she said, her little girl said, you know, I just, all of the, the screaming and shouting downstairs wasn’t working and I needed to walk away so I could go calm myself down and figure out a better solution. And then I went back and we talked about it and we worked it out. Boom. It was rad. Like such a, I mean, and we get those success stories all the time in the bonfire membership program. But that mom said she realized in that moment that yes, sometimes it can be hard work to like really work on your own self-control skills when it, for that example come, you know, to not to move from reactive parenting to responsive parenting and to really model what it looks like to be self calm and have self-control.
But man, that was like, you know that she’s been with the bonfire for a few months now, so she’s been modeling to that to her little girl. And then you, you just can see how powerful it is. And we have so many stories from within our own family. I mean, one in particular, I remember when I first tried, started trying to like model this whole idea of like self-control when before I used to really, I, I was a big yeller back when, when Stella was a toddler. And I remember this after my first year Infinite Life Weekend course, which we talked so much about those programs on this podcast. But I remember coming home and just really having an easier time with the responding versus reacting.
But I remember taking big breaths out loud, like almost like you would in Pilates or something. But for me it kind of helped me to be a little bit animated about it just to like show my kids, Hey look, I’m trying to like calm down here so I don’t flip out on you. It was Stella at the time. And so I remember I, I came home for that weekend course. I was pretty, I was pretty solid at practicing that for a few days. And then I’ll just never forget the day she came downstairs and she was huffing and puffing and she sat right down. And this big black leather chair we have, we call it tanks chair cause it’s her old lab used to, to lay.
And she just started taking these deep breaths and I was like, whoa, what’s, what’s going on? And she says, I was so mad that I was about to hit Taryn and I was super upset. So I just came down here to calm down. Beautiful. And I was like, whoa, dude, I’ve been telling this kid. I, by that time it had to have been six or eight months, like, just use your words, slow down. He’s not the enemy, he’s a baby. You don’t need to like, you don’t need to get so mad at him. And none of that was working until I actually modeled what it looked like to have some self-control.
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But all the information about what the program includes and everything you would need to know is over there. So head on over and check it out and let me know if you’re interested. It’s gonna be incredible. Last year we had seven parents graduate from this program as part of our second cohort. They graduated in late October and are just already doing incredible things in the world. So I can’t wait to talk to you also if you are interested in the program. All right. Head on over, fill out the application and we’ll talk soon. All right, let’s get back to the show.
Terry:
Yeah, she’s been an amazing one to see how that comes to life. Cuz you know, she, I feel like from a very young age, always thought like there wasn’t this big separation between like her and adults. It was this funny little thing. Yeah. And it’s like, it’s almost comedic when you see this like toddler who just thinks she’s like so much, you know, bigger and smarter than, you know, she where she is at. But then once we realized that that was a connection to her for her to learn, then I feel like this whole door got unlocked to be like, oh, she’s watching everything we do. Yeah. And if we show her through our actions how you deal with something, she’s more likely to do it than if you just tell her.
If you just say, this is what you need to do, that’s what you need to do. Why are you like this? Why aren’t you being like this? She doesn’t respond to that. That’s almost like white noise to her. Yeah. But to actually see you come through something, she connects with that and she, I think she’s learned far more about being the person she’s going to become and far more about us by observing us than what we say to her.
Wendy:
Absolutely. And, and remember guys, you know, she’s, she’s that true power personality that is, she has a very strong will and she loves to lead. So that’s, that was a really cool discovery for us that changed I think everything. And I feel like I’ve struggled with that more than you, you’ve always had more self-control in the area of not flipping out on the
Terry:
Kids. Well, you know, and like I said at the beginning, it’s like self-control comes in many forms. So I think, you know, where I maybe didn’t flip out or yell or whatever, I, I look at, you know, so like, if, if I look at myself as like, say like a teenage boy. Yeah. You know, okay. So not where our kids are at and not where I’m at as an adult, but like this idea that like, you know, there’s this, this line and I wasn’t one to let my, you know, frustrations out and like yelling or like doing things like that. So that wasn’t my thing from a very young age. But there was this line that was like, if I was gonna get pushed, I might, I might blow up and blow up comes out in so many different ways.
And especially, you know, I, I mean I think part of my voice here, you know, on this podcast is to just remind dads and, and moms and, and that, you know, it’s not always this, you know, thing that comes out in words sometimes. Like there’s a, there’s a boy or a girl that is being pushed to align that you don’t know where it’s at. And you know, I, I think this is so huge, I think for people to realize that they, you have to teach kids emotional intelligence and learn it for yourself too. Yeah. So that you can understand. And my teenage self would’ve loved to have understand stood more, okay, I’m feeling this way.
What’s a healthy reaction to this? Or what’s a, what’s a healthy way to deal with this? Yeah. You know, and my adult self, I’m still learning, but my instinct was never to just blow up and yell at somebody. Yeah. So it’s, it’s, it comes out in different ways, so
Wendy:
Absolutely. Yeah. Yes. And I’d say when we were kids, you know, Terry and I have known each other since we were, I was, I I wanna ask you this every single
Terry:
Time. Alright. So I I I in charge of time, never time and space. Okay. This is my thing. So I, I first saw Wendy’s face when she was 11 and I was 13, she was in the sixth grade. I was in eighth grade. Was I so cute. You were adorable. Now, we haven’t been dating since then in case you guys, or missed episode one, picturing us at that age, like just falling in love from that point. But we were friends for many years all through high school, middle school, things like that. So yeah. So yes, we
Wendy:
Met then we met then, and then through high school, like, you know, it was just kind of standard that there was like a always a big party if you were stressed or you were, someone had pushed you to the edge, there was always like a, a keg party to attend. So that’s something that I think we had to deal with as far as self-control back then. And just something that, you know, I, I hope to bless my kids with when they’re teenagers that when they have a hard day or when they are pushed to their edge or when they feel like they’re just tempted to do something that isn’t really gonna take care of their emotional self, that they have options that are outside of that. So I know, you know, that’s, that’s something that I’m sure we’ll talk about in future episodes, but just one of those parts of life that I know when raising teens, it’s just gonna be an interesting journey on that.
And we almost have a teen, oh my gosh. Stella’s 11 now that means she’s a tween. She’s like a full on. She is tweening hard. Totally. Yeah. She’s a beautiful, beautiful little girl. Okay, you guys. All right. So let’s move on to number two, which is practice with your kids, what you actually want them to do. And I’ll tell you guys number three right now too. So number three is just give them choices and let’s flip those around. Actually let’s cover, give them choices first and then we’ll, we’ll do practice. All right. So what I mean by give them choices is, you know, I think we have a tendency a lot of times in our parenting walks to say, you know, don’t do this. Don’t do that. Stop doing that. Don’t be mean.
You know, don’t give into peer pressure. You know, when you get upset, don’t hit your brother. Don’t talk disrespectfully me. But I don’t know if we always do a great job in our modern parenting world of actually telling our kids what we want them to do. So this is a, this is a, a curriculum point that we cover a lot in the foundation’s course and in the bonfire membership program. But it’s like, ask your kids for what you want, like become fluent in speaking to them that way. It actually feels a lot better on your soul. It’s kind of like, we always joke that we don’t go out into the world and say like, you know, at Starbucks, like, do not give me a whole milk latte or do not give me the steak dinner. Like, of course we don’t. Right? We’re like, Hey, can I please have the almond milk latte?
Could I please have the salmon for dinner? So with our kids, that’s a nice, like kind of proactive way to get them to comply and, and cooperate and listen a lot better is when you just actually point their brain in the direction that you want them to go in. But as far as choices go, it’s like this idea that if you, if you want them to, to keep their hands to themselves, or if you want them to be kind to their brother is actually let them know, hey, when you’re tempted and when you’re feeling this way, which you will because you’re a human being, and you will have life experiences where you’re tempted to hit or say unkind things to other people, or gossip behind people’s backs or all these things, then these are your choices. Right?
So back thinking back to when Stella was little, do you remember her angry chart? T Oh yeah. I show the bonfire members all the time. That thing is like decrepit and it’s like, yeah, nothing fancy, but tell everybody about Stella’s angry chart back in the day.
Terry:
Oh, well, yeah. So creating a chart was also a way to, Wendy mentioned the word comply, but, and that brings up a thing is, you know, our kids hear so many compliance statements all day long that they become a little tone deaf to those also. So, and a lot of those come in the form of do not do this. Like, like Wendy was saying. So the, the angry chart was, was a way for less words coming out of our mouth and more of just a way to create something in a calm time to remind Stella of what are all the things that she can do when she feels angry. And she got to come up with these, I mean, we coached her a little bit, but yeah.
You know, to give her like five things that she could do when she’s angry. And so yeah, it was the cutest little chart. I think, you know, she illustrated some of it. I remember the, the sad, the angry face that she drew at the top of it and everything like that. Yes. But this is a way too, for us to just to like remind her of like, check your chart instead of like giving her yet another compliance statement when she was in a, a heated time, you know? Yeah. And she could, she could go and have something else to kind of confer with instead of it just being mom and dad, just continuing her to tell her what to do.
Wendy:
Yeah. And yeah. And at that time, it’s funny looking back is I thank God because of a, a year Infinite Life weekend course called Freedom to Be. I realized it. But you know, she was dealing with how to react when she got really angry in a healthy, appropriate, respectful way. And surprise, surprise. That’s exactly what I was dealing with at the time too. So it was really cool once we realized, once I realized that she wasn’t just out to be disobedient and naughty and, and she wasn’t just trying to be a pain in the butt. Like we were just both struggling with that. Yeah. Like parenthood and, you know, being a kid that had just got a new baby brother that came into the world and she had experienced sibling to throne, which we cover that topic in positive parenting curriculum, but she was struggling.
I was struggling, and it was just apparent that we both needed to figure out how we can have self-control to not act out of integrity when we get so POed. So that was, I just remember that being such a, a beautiful time when I realized that because I feel like that was when everything kind of started to click for us. When I started viewing her as just, we were together, we were both hurting and we were both really challenged. And actually she went on to say many years later, a beautiful, just one of those times where I, I will remember it for the rest of my life, but she’s, she, we, you know, is we always say she, she’s an angel to our family. She’s an angel to the world because she’s such an impactful teacher.
But one night we, we had had a really hard time, I think I might have gotten super angry at them fighting or something. And I think I said, you know what, that’s it. Straight to bed, time for bed. Excuse me. She might’ve been like probably six at the time. So Taran would’ve been, no, maybe she was seven. So Taran might have been four, she was seven. And I was just like, fuming fire was coming outta my head. And I was like, that’s it, you guys are done. You’re going straight to bed. I’m sick of this. And she came in crying and she was like, please mom, you know, it’s okay. Like, everything’s gonna be okay. You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to end our night like this. You don’t have to send us straight to bed that we can work this out.
And so she said to me, you know, remember mom, I’ve only been a kid for seven years and you’ve only been a mom for seven years. Like, we just gotta figure this out. It’s like so
Terry:
Emotional figure straight to
Wendy:
The part. Yeah. Because she’s so right, man. It’s like, we just think that we’re gonna have this all figured out. Like for some reason culture just, I don’t know, it’s like, it’s like you think, oh, you should just know what to do. But it’s, it’s just not true. Like, you just, you figure it out. And that’s what, you know, this work does, is it helps support us in giving us options on how to work it out peacefully even when we’re pushed to our edge. And I won’t, it’s just was a really cool time and, and it really set me straight. Like, you know, like sometimes I’ll get into a funk, like if I get upset about something, like I kind of, I’ll withdraw or like I’ll get just fixated on like, ah, I just, I, this is not working out right now.
You know? But in that, and so it’s, it’s a big deal for someone to be able to, to be like, say something to me that pulls me out and makes me go, you know what? You’re right. You are right. Like, I’m not gonna end my night like this. This is not that big of a deal. We can, we can work this out. And that’s what she did in that moment. So she’s a cool
Terry:
Kid, man. It took a lot of saying yes to learning along the way to even get you to the place where you were even prepared to do that. I think. Yeah. You know, we were, we were in a place as our most parents where you’re not in a state of learning even though you should be as a parent. Right. So by saying yes to, you know, a lot of the courses and the learning that, that we’ve had, and a lot of the training, you know, so many things we had to say yes to, to get you to the point where you were open enough to have that night end up different. Yeah.
Wendy:
And
Terry:
To have, and to have that, that little girl come in and say that to you. So, I mean, I guess our, you know, our encouragement through this podcast too is just, just say yes to learning. Yeah. Just, just step into it, you know, we’re, we’re still working it out, but boy, we are light years ahead of where we were when we started. And that’s not just because our kids are older. Our kids would be different people if we hadn’t said yes. Yeah. To all the learning opportunities that were on the way along the way. So. Yep.
Wendy:
Yeah. Oh, and I think of like how many nights we would’ve lost too, where we’re like, just would’ve been that volcanic meltdown tears, which is, is fine guys. It’s fine to have nights like that. We always say like, it’s okay to have your kids go to bed crying and upset. Like every night doesn’t have to be rainbows and butterflies. That’s part of learning, that’s part of embracing that mess that we talk about. But I do remember a time when I looked at you and I was like, whoa, babe, you know what I just realized? I realized that like, we haven’t had like an episode of a, of a volcanic meltdown in like a really long time. And that took a lot of practice to get there because things escalate, right? And you’re like, and when you don’t have the tools, it just kind of like becomes World War II before you know it, and then you just have to lay the hammer and everyone goes to bed like upset and bummed and bitter and, but like, I do remember that moment.
Do you remember when I said that to you? Like, where I was like, whoa, do you realize that it’s been a really long time. So, all right. So other thing with giving them choices guys, is calm a calming bag or like a calming space or a like similar to a chart, a angry chart like we mentioned with Stella. It could be any type of chart, but a calming bag is something where we actually teach parents how to do this in the foundations course. We teach kids. Stella has a lesson for children within the bonfire membership community about how to create your own calming bag and how to actually use it when you feel like you’re pushed to the edge and you’re about to act out of integrity. But it’s just another example of like, throw some stuff in there, make sure that you have one.
We always joke with parents, like, don’t put alcohol in.
Terry:
Like,
Wendy:
Don’t just don’t put a bottle of wine in there cuz we’re not modeling the best thing.
Terry:
Yeah. So let me let, let me elaborate a little bit. Like, so the calming bag is something for when, again, sometimes our words get the best of us too in the, in these heated situations. And you know, when our kids have a bag that they’ve made up with a certain number of things in there that they could do that would help calm them down, or an activity that would help help them in a, in a time when they’re kind of heated to reset themselves. I mean, there’s a reason why it’s called Fresh Start family is, you know, having a fresh start, giving yourself a chance to reset. So the Calming Bag is an amazing example of, you know, when, when a little guy or a little girl is having a hard moment and they’ve pre-prepared this calming bag with some things that would just help them reset.
And there are things that they’ve chosen. And then like you said, mom and dad have one too. I mean, you might put your favorite book in there. You might put, you know, some little hobby or something that you have in there, or
Wendy:
Candle bible, central oil.
Terry:
Yeah. I mean even just, even just a photo that might take you to a happy place. Yeah. Or you know, a, a pen in a notebook or whatever it is that might just like
Wendy:
Exercise shoes.
Terry:
That those are huge. Yeah, yeah. Like go out and get a run. Those types of things. Sometimes those reminders that it’s like a little like message to yourself. Yes. Because sometimes in those heated moments too, you don’t want to hear it from somebody else. Hey babe, you should go take a run. Hey, you should really go read a book right now cause you’re,
Wendy:
Oh, that makes me so mad. I’m like, no,
Terry:
You know what? You need to get outta here. Like, yeah, Graham. So this is like a little message to yourself that for those times when you are, you know, they’re, they’re gonna happen.
Listen up. Parents, I want to remind you that although this podcast is loaded with tons of encouragement, motivation, and inspiration when it comes to positive parenting and family life coaching, the real action is when you step into learning with me through our free quick start learning bundle, just pop in your email at freshstartfamilyonline.com/free and you’ll get instant access to a downloadable learning guide about how to raise strong-willed kids with integrity without losing your mind. And then also an invite to join me for my free Power Struggles online workshop where I will teach you five positive parenting strategies to handle pushback with firm kindness and connection versus yelling force and threats.
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Wendy:
Yeah. Costella had, I remember a really old pair of these little h and m sandals, but I remember I was like, okay, we, these are not wearable anymore cuz they’re too decrepit. But we put ’em in our calming bag cuz they would remind her to go outside and just take a, a breath of fresh air. Like we always say, nature calms all of our souls, but especially our children. So like, listen to the birds for just a, a few minutes, just put your sandals on. And yeah. La last thing about this, and we’ll move on to point number three is she had on that angry chart and within her calming bag, things that would remind her resting.
And it’s one of those things that I think a lot of parents probably laugh at, right? Like, you know, how many times have you said to your kid, you’re just tired? And it, like, I find that it often will make them really mad, but if you can start teaching them that, that is an element of, of a way to strengthen your self-control muscles is when you have had enough rest or you honor your body and actually do take a rest, you are way more likely to be able to use or set like stick to your intention that you wanted to, which every child on the earth wants to be kinder, their brother wants to be respectful to their parents, wants to have a great play date. Like, that’s just the way kids were designed. So anyways, back to Stella’s.
I do remember telling her and teaching her like, Hey, sometimes when you get so upset, babe, you’re, you’re just tired. You just need a nap. Or you might be fighting a cold. And I mean, I feel like we probably told her that 57 times and taught her that. And then one day I just remember coming in and there she was in her room. She had gone in and, and taken, put herself down and taken a nap and she was probably like maybe five, five or six. You remember that? Yep. And we were like, whoa. She went in her room and put herself to sleep without us forcing her or telling her to. She just did that because she knew and she understood from all those years of teaching her that we probably thought at the time like, she’s not getting it or she’s not, you know, but, and then nowadays she really does, she knows like if she needs to take a rash, she’ll just she’ll and she hates, like she wants to stay, she loves like, she loves staying up late.
She hates to miss the party. But I feel like that’s an area where she’s really strengthened that self-control muscles to take care of herself when she needs it. Would you agree?
Terry:
Absolutely. And, and it’s even better when it’s her own idea to do it. So I think we had to give her the forum to make it her own idea.
Wendy:
Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Awesome. Hey,
Terry:
Since we’re we’re giving, you know, there’s some great practical tools in here and things like that, why don’t you let everybody know where the, the show notes are gonna be if they wanna find those?
Wendy:
Yeah, so this episode you can find all, everything that we’re talking about, links information over at freshstartfamilyonline.com/3. That’s the number three, freshstartfamilyonline.com/3. All right, so our last tip for you is to practice, actually practice with your kids. And there’s a few different ways you can do this, but we say, you know, role play redos and just practice straight up practice. So, you know, let me give you an example here. So we always say kids learn incredibly well through play, especially your little ones. So when you can incorporate any type of fun or play into it and actually have them practice what you want them to do, they have a much higher rate, you know, chance of, of having success when they’re at a play date and they’re frustrated that someone won’t share their toy or whatever it is if you’ve actually practice it at home.
So you can do that with Legos, you can do it with dolls, you could do it with, you know, puppets. Puppets, yeah. We love puppets. Oh my gosh. So yeah, those are, those are really helpful. And then redos is when you actually, like ev someone does it wrong, does it the way you don’t want it to, maybe someone smacked their brother or you slammed a door and screamed at your kids, but showing them like, you know what, that’s actually not the way that we’re okay with handling things with in our family. Or, Hey, I just made a mistake. I just was super upset. I didn’t refer to my calling back. I didn’t do what I, I set out to do at the beginning of this week or the beginning of the day. So let me try that again.
I want everyone to go back to the car. We’re gonna practice coming in the home, in the house again, and this time I want you to practice having self-control. When you get frustrated that your brother’s racing you to the door instead of pushing him into the rose bushes. I want you to choose a different way to take care of yourself when you’re feeling angry and so that you know, a great thing that you can do, especially for your little kids. Just an example of one of the things that we cover in the foundation’s course and in the bonfire is have your kid actually, especially if he’s kinesthetic or she’s kinesthetic, that means like if they like to move a lot and they’re, there’s, they’re always that kid that’s pushing or biting using
Terry:
Their hands to
Wendy:
Talk lot using their hands. Yeah. And remember those kids like make incredible athletes. So kinesthetic kids are such a blessing to the world, but they really learn by doing a lot. So you have to actually teach them how to do it differently. So have them actually pull their shirt and stomp their foot and say, I feel mad. I don’t want you to race in front of me, or whatever they need to say. But the feeling combined with the kinesthetic movement can actually cause kids to have some really great self-control. And I’ve seen that. I mean, I think of one situation in a, a church nursery when I was subbing for a teacher and I saw a little boy who was a lot bigger than the rest of the crew was kind of new, known for being the hitter of the crew.
And, and the staff was kind of well of well versed in like the timeouts and the threatening. But I came in with my little bag of tricks and I remember they were just floored when he went to wind up to hit a kid. And, and we did that and he was full of smiles and I high-fived him. I was like, dude,
Terry:
To do a redo.
Wendy:
He pulled his shirt and stomped his foot and said, I feel mad, or I want my, I want that toy or I want that back or something, or I want my turn. And we just high-fived. And I was like, dude, you did it. You just kept your hands to yourself. Like how did that feel? He was like, good. And then we, you know, I taught him like, hey, well now you can ask, may I please have a turn when you’re done? That’s kind of a cool little thing. We teach toddlers, like don’t say like, oh it’s, you gotta share with me now it’s my turn three minutes. Right? It’s like, no, just ask for what you want in a kind way. And toddlers will 99% of the time respond with a yes to that question. May I please have a turn when you’re done? But that was like just a cool example of like, you know, he, he had a, an option and he had practiced it.
Yeah. So I had taught him that how to pull his shirt, stomp his foot, so he had a physical action to take and then we had practiced it. So he had the choice, he had the practice
Terry:
And with yeah, with some of the redos, I mean practical application. Like, oh let’s, let’s redo how we just came inside the house and like that, you know, you’re bound to encounter some like feet dragging and be like, really? What? Like just trust me. Yeah. Do it. Go through with it because it does, it does settle into their, you know, into their subconscious and it actually gives you a chance to reset coming back into the house again the way that, you know, give everybody a chance again. So yeah. Even if it seems like it’s under duress, please try it.
Wendy:
Yeah. And that’s where the firm part comes in, right? I mean this work is about being firm and kind. Yeah. And sometimes you have to be very firm and I always like to tell kids, especially for parents who are trying to switch it up in their home, right? Like maybe you’re, you’ve been used to using like fear force consistently and now you’re trying to embrace more of these tools that we teach you guys is you can tell your kids, Hey remember when I just used to send you to your room and ground you for the weekend because you pushed your brother into the rosebush and bloodied his finger. Do you remember that when you used to just be grounded or remember when we used to spank you? Like all those things where it’s like, well now we do this and we’re gonna do it. We’re not going inside, we’re not, you know, we’re not moving on to the next fun activity until we do this redo.
And I’m very serious about us. You know, having a household that is respectful and kind and us teaching you how to do this in a different way. Like that’s where the firm part comes in. Sometimes you gotta be really firm with your kids and you can be firm and always be kind. Just firmness does not mean you have to be mean or hurt your kids. It just means that sometimes you, everything’s gotta stop and you gotta be firm, like you said Terry and not moving forward until you do the redo.
Terry:
Yeah. And that, and that redo goes full circle too cuz it’s like, you know, back to the idea of modeling that’s come in huge for me to, to realize that I’ve, I’ve done something with, you know, the kids, whether it’s the way I talked to them or the way that I dealt with something, to be able to go back to them after I’ve calmed down and be like, you know what, I’d like to redo that last thing I said to you or how I handled that or whatever. And find, you know, find a way to, to really just kind of redo that with them and the connection that I’ve gotten out of those redos with them by just admitting my, my own messiness.
Oh man. Just,
Wendy:
Yeah.
Terry:
It, it, it’s, it’s humbling in a, in a very positive way to where your kid realizes that you’re a work in progress too. And I think a lot of people don’t, they don’t ever get to that point. They think that mom and dad are supposed to be perfect or higher on another level, which will always be their teachers. We will always be on some other level, but like to show them what it’s looked like, what it looks like to make a mistake and then work through it with them. You, you, you take, you both take a step forward together. Yeah. Instead of being separate or, or having some disconnect. Yeah. You become more connected and you both take a step forward together.
So yeah.
Wendy:
And I, that’s been huge. That is, that is a great point. And then I would say you’re an even stronger leader of your home because you actually took the opportunity to humble yourself and say, Hey, I didn’t handle that the way I wanted and I actually know how I wanna handle it and I’m determined to get there. Yeah. I’m not gonna let this defeat us or get us back into that pit that we just end up ending our nights feeling hopeless and fighting and irritated and tears, like I’m determined to get us back on track. And so that to me is like a super strong leader that is not permissive or weak, but it’s just teaching your kids. Okay.
Terry:
I mean, could you imagine if the authority figures in, in your life, like as an adult, you know, your boss or you know, some leader, you know, in your life were to come back and be like, you know what, I kind of botched that up. I’d like to redo that. I really want to let you guys know that wasn’t really me. Let’s, let’s do this again instead of just moving on or just being like, yeah, oh yeah, I’m me, take it or leave it type of thing. Like yeah, I think, I think you’d gain respect instead of losing respect.
Wendy:
Oh, mic drop. So true. I love it. All right guys, well hopefully that encourages you today. Just a few ideas that you can bring into your homes to model self-control and teach your kids self-control families. I hope that you have loved this episode as much as I have loved recording it for you. Don’t forget to go grab your free quick Start learning bundle so you can really step into learning with me. Head on over to freshstartfamilyonline.com/free and you’ll get your downloadable learning guide about how to raise strong-willed kids with integrity so you don’t lose your mind.
And then also an invite to join me for my free Power Struggles online workshop. All right, go grab that now. freshstartfamilyonline.com/free. As always, thanks for listening and I’ll see you in the next episode.
For links and more information about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/165.
Stella:
For more information, go to Fresh start family online.com. Thanks for listening, families, have a great day.
