On this episode of The Fresh Start Family Show, Wendy gets down to the root of why punishing strong-willed kids doesn’t actually work. The need to feel powerful is one we all have, and it’s even more so with these kids. If we lean into punishment and try to “break their will”, we’re actually missing an important opportunity to mentor and help them become the future leader and world changer they were meant to be. 

It’s so important to understand that: 

a.) you’re not crazy 

b.) your kids aren’t broken 

c.) there’s a reason you’re running into such problems

There is a way to parent & discipline these incredible kiddos with integrity and firm kindness that works!

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Raising A Strong Willed, Intense or Sensitive Child? If yes, I have a FREE gift for you!

This free bundle comes with an extensive learning guide & FREE workshop with me, where I’ll teach you ways to build connection & methods to work WITH your strong willed kids instead of trying to MAKE THEM change. 

Inside this FREE learning bundle I’ll teach you:
*Firm & kind strategies to navigate challenging behavior with firm kindness & connection (vs. fear, force, yelling, threats & bribery)
*Ways to build connection instead of pushing your child away w/ heavy handed “hand me down parenting tactics”
*How to work WITH your kids instead of forcing them to comply or trying to MAKE them change

Click here to grab your free bundle now & start learning today!

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Episode Highlights:

• Strong willed kids are a gift
• The traits we see in strong willed kids are the ones we need in future leaders and world changers
• Punishment makes things worse with these kids and does not work
• Breaking their will robs the world of future leaders and world changers

Resources Mentioned:

• Wendy’s Discipline Reel on Instagram
• The Light Church San Diego –  Sermon on Forgiveness 
• Follow Wendy on Instagram
• Jesus the Gentle Parent

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Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!

Stella:

Well, hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus, and rock and roll, and believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together we hope to inspire you to Expand your heart, learn new tools, and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.

Wendy:

Well, hey there families, and welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show. I’m your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach, And I. Am so happy that you are here to Expand your heart, learn new tools, and strengthen your family today.

I want to chat in this episode about Why Strong Willed Kids React So Badly to Punishment. And really, I was thinking, I, I kind of want this episode to just be a love letter, so to speak, to strong-willed kids and also parents like you who are raising these incredible human souls because I know, because I have one myself and she’s amazing and at times, you know, it just feels, it can feel really, really hard. But I just wanna pour into you And, I want to have this be a reminder of what a blessing it is and all of our options that we have when we expand our toolkit so we can work with our strong-willed kids instead of try to make them change.

So if you’re listening right now and you struggle on a day-to-day basis with kids that seem to talk back, push back and resist rules and boundaries way more than your other kids or maybe more than kids that your friends or your sisters or friends at church have, this episode is for you And. I want to encourage you that you are not alone. And there are reasons why life feels so difficult for you right now, And, I’m here to help you learn new ways that are going to help you reach and teach your strong-willed kids in a new, more effective way than some of the, what I call hand-me-down parenting tactics of the past that you have been trying but aren’t actually giving you the long-term sustainable results.

And what I mean by sustainable long-term results is this. So for example, a lot of you, you know, can probably relate to this, but sometimes you feel like you’re telling your kid 50 times to do something and they’re still not listening, right? So you tell your strong-willed kiddo over and over and over again not to do something But. it seems like no matter how many times you yell, threaten, or punish your kiddo, they still end up misbehaving again by not picking up their messes or being rough with their siblings, or talking back with hurtful aggressive words or throwing, hitting, kicking, biting, et cetera. Hiding, lying, stealing, cheating, blaming others, not taking responsibility for when they do hurt others.

Like all that stuff that keeps you stuck in the misbehavior, punishment disconnection cycle. And so I wanna speak to all of this because I’ve been there myself, you guys. My own story started with when my daughter was born, actually, I always say that she really did come into this world with a strong will And I. Thank God for that. I really do think that it was one of the reasons why she survived our very traumatic birth. So I had an absent birth where that means I was unconscious. Like they were literally like trying to save my life. And from a torn placenta and masser- massive hemorrhaging, thank God, Stella And I both survived.

But I do think, man, God, that strong will was for a purpose because I do think she was just so determined from day one to be here. And, I think God just had this in incredible mission for her life. And so she made it through, right? And so here we are today, she’s now 15 years old and, and I thought I was gonna lose my mind when she was three years old. So if you backtrack those, you know, 15 years after she was born, we could really tell she had the strong will from a very early age. So both of my kids had colic. Anybody get two kids with colic? My goodness, I couldn’t believe it when my second baby had colic in addition to my first kids babies that basically just can’t sit still, they cry, they’re miserable for the first four months of their life and it’s just heart wrenching as a parent.

And so confusing. But from the time, you know, she was a young, young baby and she had colic and then it moved into, she was always the kiddo that like would not do something that she didn’t wanna do. So her tantrums, or even, you know, by the time she became one, she was really like having strong emotional reactions to things. I remember her like giving the stink eye to people at Christmas parties if they like, looked at her and was like, Hey, cute baby. And she was in my arms, like, and she, they acted like they wanted to hold her or touch her or something. She’d like give them the stink eye and be like, heck no. And even when we think back from like when she was really, really young, the first month of her life, I swear that child held her head like strongly, you know how babies have like bobble neck, you know, where they’re like learning their strength, strengthening their neck muscles.

I swear she had this like firm muscular stance from such a young age and you could just feel she was strong like inside and out. And then it turned into the toddler years where she was just navigating like all of these changes within herself. We always say as educators, strong-willed kids are always going to have a strong desire to feel powerful. But then on top of that, there’s power surges that happen. So between the ages of two and six usually, and then again in the tween and teen years, you can expect your kiddo to be extra vigilant, like with going for what they want when it comes to independence and autonomy and feeling powerful.

And so when she went into that stage of life, I had just decided that I was gonna leave my corporate world career, which I loved. I had a nanny that I just was so grateful for and did a great job with my kids when I was at work. And so I let her go and came home thinking this is gonna be the most amazing thing ever, right? Like I talked to Terry and our accountant, even though we knew money was gonna be really, really tight, I said, I’ll do anything if you guys, you know, if we can just figure out how to make this work financially so I can stay home. And I really did think it was gonna be this phenomenal amazing thing. Well, probably a few, few weeks, a few short weeks into my stay at home motherhood career, I, I realized that I was really, really struggling.

So it felt like Stella was in timeouts 50 times a day. She immediately, like as soon as I started staying home, decided it was, she was gonna give up her nap at about four years old. And it just felt like we were arguing all day long. And every time I would say go right, she would go left. If I, if I said stop pulling the dog’s tail, she would pull it harder. I was googling everything, like, oh my gosh, like, what is wrong with this kiddo? Like, something’s gotta be off here. Because her tantrums were so intense, every punishment that I would try that traditionally I had thought worked so well with kids, whether it was timeouts or threatening a spanking. We’re getting kind of get into this a little bit more today, why punishments don’t work with strong-willed kids, but nothing was working, it just felt like chaos was what was happening in my home.

And so that’s when, thank God I got invited to a positive parenting class. And I started learning a different way to talk to Stella, to work with Stella, to communicate with Stella, to discipline Stella to dissolve power struggles with Stella And. I also learned to start looking within myself. Why was I getting so triggered by this little girl? Why was I having such difficulty keeping my cool? Why was I all of a sudden threatening and yelling and just getting to this like place where I was at my wit’s end every day with my little girl? Like, why was it so difficult for me to see the goodness and find and search for the integrity and this little girl?

And so as I started to look inward, I organically started to change. And all of that resulted in things really changing for our family with my relationship with Stella. And as I said, the way we were parenting her. And naturally, within about 3, 4, 6 months, she started to behave way better. I started to understand how at choice I was with how I work with her. And as the years went by I realized, holy smokes, like not only does punishment not work with this little girl, but the traditional tactics of, you know, what we call autocratic parenting, which is like compliance statements, do what you’re told or else raising your voice, threatening bribery, rewards, like all that kind of stuff.

The external controls. It was not something that we should continue to put our eggs in that basket because it was just never gonna work for Stella. So we obviously went full force in and became very, very fluent in positive parenting. And that’s when I decided to become an educator and a family life coach. And the rest is history. But thinking back to that time, it just was such a kind of a shock to my system because I knew like how to work with kids, right? Like I had always worked with kids, I was a nanny in college, I was a springboard diving coach from the time I was 14 years old. I just really thought like, I’m great with kids.

And then when God blessed me with this very strong-willed human being, that’s when I was like, holy smokes, I actually don’t know what to do with this And I need help. So, you know, it’s like, thank God I did learn a new way because life is so different now and my daughter is thriving in life and our experience as parents of teenagers is just so different than what many of my daughter’s friends and their parents are going through. And it’s, it’s just something I think God for every day because I can’t imagine if I would not have stepped into learning and become, became fluent in the strategies that I teach now that I, that I have the honor of supporting and serving parents with from all over the world.

Now, our membership program, the Fresh Start Experience, has families from over 15 countries. It’s so incredible. This stuff works not just in America, but no matter where you live if you’re raising a human being. But today I wanna talk to you specifically about one key area of parenting that backfires and causes things to get worse in homes with strong-willed kids. And that is punishment. And trust me, I know that punishment is definitely a triggering conversation for a lot of folks because it can be taken as criticism, but just know that that is not how we roll around here at Fresh Start Family.

It’s essential that you understand as you explore a new way that you are right where you’re supposed to be right now, if you’re listening to this, if you’re listening to my voice, just remember that I’m here to support you. I’ve been in your shoes. If you’re in a place where you’re like, dude, I, I’m there Wendy, I’m fighting with my strong-willed kid every day. Our days are filled with bickering, arguing, and it sure seems like the only way to get this kid to listen to me is by yelling at them or threatening to take away their electronics or send them to bed early or not let them play video games. And at the same time, like I wake up the next day and they’re still not learning the life skill, they’re still hitting their sister, they’re still speaking disrespectfully to me.

And it just seems like you’re stuck in this constant cycle of trying to make this kid change and nothing is actually working for sustainable long-term results. Remember we, what we teach here at Fresh Start Family, my goal is to give you results where once you solve the problem, once you teach the life skill that your child is missing or still developing, then 2, 5, 7, 10 years from now, there are not detrimental effects from your teaching methods. If that makes sense. 2, 5, 7, 10 years from now, you will have a child who not only learned the life skill that they were missing back in the days when you decided you needed to teach them, right?

So whether it’s keeping their hands to themselves or solving conflicts peacefully without saying or doing things that are hurtful, whether it’s like, you know, listening in class or speaking respectfully even when they don’t get their way, whatever the life skill is. But to have your kid really be fully fluent with that and not go backwards is what we all want. Like we want sustainable long-term results. Okay? And so I’ve been in your shoes before. If you’re in that season where you’re just like, man, it feels freaking tough right now. And I don’t want to threaten yell at my kid and just be in this constant cycle where it feels like we’re fighting all the time.

And I still like don’t know quite what to do because even though the threatening of the spanking and the, you know, taking things away and groundings and timeouts and all the things don’t seem to be working to give me the long-term sustainable results, maybe you’re thinking, I have no freaking idea what to do instead. So we’re gonna talk about that. So I know you love your kids so much and that you want more than anything to make sure that they feel unconditionally loved, valued, seen, heard, understood. And you have to trust me, you’re doing a great job. What I teach here at Fresh Start Family is designed to give you options so you can operate with a full toolkit, not just with your backup against a wall, so to speak, thinking you have to do it a certain way.

You get to choose. And I’m here to help you get your toolkit full of options. So the most important thing is that you just get started no matter where you are in your journey. And listening to this episode is a great first step, but our Free Learning Bundle is designed specifically for parents raising strong willed kids. And it’s the best way to begin. I’ll speak to it more at the end of this episode, but just know you can get instant access to it with one click at Fresh Start family online.com. Okay? But back to our conversation about Why Strong Willed Kids React So Badly to Punishment, I was recently coming home from a ski trip with the family.

We went up to Big Bear, California and had just the best week here on Spring break. And my daughter, who like I mentioned is 15 now, she had a pal with her. And that pal was asking about the difference with how we parent Terry was driving. I was in the, the front seat and how most other parents do things, including her own parents. So two 15 year old girls that we’re having this conversation with But it, the conversation got sparked when we were talking about how a close friend of my daughters has been grounded for close to four months now because she’s struggling in school to get her assignments turned in and her grades up, specifically math and English, which so many kids really struggle with.

So as we talked about the difference, my daughter’s friend confided with us about her, how her older stepsister really struggled in school too. And her parents had tried so hard to help this girl, but she ended up basically running away by the time she was 15, 16 years old and essentially dropping out of high school. And as my daughter’s sweet friend was sharing about her stepsister, who you could tell she loved so much and it was also clear as she was sharing that she was having trouble finding empathy for her stepsister because the, the tone was kind of like, why wouldn’t she just shape up and be better, do better?

Like stop being so bad. Essentially the concept of like, well she dug her own grave, you know, or like she made her own bed type of thing. She made her own bed, now she has to sleep in it, right? Like, you know, that kind of tone, which I totally get because for someone who doesn’t have such a deep strong will, it can be very tough to understand how a human can be so against the grain, can be so resistant to help, cannot respond to traditional punishments and threats and like all the things, right? So as I listened to the story of my daughter’s friend’s story about her stepsister, I realized it was most likely really a compilation compilation of, of traumas this young girl had endured.

In addition to this little girl having probably a pretty thick, strong will that caused such a blowup within their family and such inner chaos in this stepsister’s heart and soul But, it reminded me of my own brother’s journey, my own brother, his journey as a child through his teenage years and young adult years and why the traditional crap never worked with him. So my brother, you know, I really believe now looking back like he’s one of the reasons why I am so passionate about what I teach. I believe he was, he is one of the reasons why I became an educator and why I want to help parents who have these type of kids because I really think my parents just didn’t know what to do with him.

And as a little sister I suffered, I I had to witness like over and over again them trying all the traditional stuff, right? Like just spank him, yell at him, punish him, take stuff away. And you could see like even, I mean I know now I have this like adult educator brain as I look back, but I could feel as a young kid, it wasn’t freaking working. It didn’t matter how much they threatened him. Like by the time he was in high school, he I believe had such a strong desire to feel powerful and it wasn’t being met in the home. We’re gonna talk about that in a little bit, but he just had such a, like a strong desire to feel powerful that he just went and sought it in the world with vengeance.

So he actually ended up becoming like the school bully. Like he was the football player who I don’t remember for sure, but I’m pretty sure he was like taking steroids by the time he was like a senior in high school along with like all of his meathead friends and they found power in like being someone you didn’t mess with. Like they, my brother literally put a guy in the hospital once, right? Like this is back in 1990 where like, you know, you’d meet at the co you know, the high school field after school and watch like this fight go down. And it was always Pete Edwards who was like this intimidating guy who you didn’t wanna mess with and it was scary to watch growing up, but he found that power somewhere.

And I really believe that my parents had no idea what to do with him. So they just tried all the traditional stuff from the time he was a very young kid. They tried to take him to doctors thinking something’s gotta be wrong with him. Doctors were not supportive back then. There was no like, Hey, why don’t you take a parenting class because you have a strong-willed kid. It was more like, well you must be doing something wrong, right? Like if, remember guys, if you take anything from this episode, remember you are not doing anything wrong. When you follow hopeless, hand-me-down outdated parenting tactics. You’ve just been culturally conditioned to think that that’s what you have to do to like whip these kids in shape when it’s such a freaking lie.

But they, you know, just did the best that they could. They tried the traditional stuff and when it didn’t work, you know, they didn’t have access back then. They didn’t have the internet to like Google, what the heck do I do with a strong Willed kid, right? If you Google that nowadays a million positive parenting educators are gonna come up, like we can help you. But looking back, like he ended up dropping outta high school and then he took all of the money that my parents had saved for him for college and he went, somehow he had access to it, I guess it wasn’t in like a college savings fund, but more just like a bank account. And he took it all and blew it on like some crazy lifted Jeep and moved to San Francisco, never went back to college, right?

And just had like a lot of inner turmoil, so to speak. Like never ended up having a great relationship with my parents. Like still to this day is pretty absent. And I. Just look back, And I think, my gosh, how different would it have been if my parents would have learned these concepts really young or, or you know, when he, when when, when my brother was really young, like not only would he have had a different life, but I would’ve too because it sucked Growing up with an older brother who was so aggressive, who was so intimidating and who you know, you just felt like you never know. You never knew what he was gonna do, right? And so again, now I look at it as he was just desperately seeking to feel powerful and no one was teaching him how to feel powerful in a healthy way.

So I think the traditional stuff never worked with him. And there’s a reason why, and we’re gonna talk about that. So I started to explain to my daughter’s friend and my kids who were, we were all in the car. I was, I get so excited to have conversations like this, especially when my kids are engaged. I’m like, yes, let’s talk about this. I want you guys to understand what’s happening here. But a lot of parents, so I was telling them a lot of parents can get away with not learning a new way and just using hand-me-down parenting tactics like fear and force to influence their kids and raise kids who like stay in the fences pretty well. But when it comes to strong builded kids, these are the kids that will revolt big time against those tactics based in ex in external control methods.

So by overpowering yelling threats, whether it’s you won’t get your eye iPad tonight if you touch your sister again or if you don’t listen, you’ll be sent straight to timeout or the naughty chair or whatever. Or as they get older, I’ll ground you if you don’t get your grades up or give me an attitude one more time and I’ll take your phone away faster than you can beg for mercy, right? Like all those external controls stop working because a strong-willed child’s desire to feel powerful will most often override any desire to please ow conform, right? So they are humans who often feel very, very deeply.

So when their needs aren’t met, the needs are something we teach very, like, very deeply about within our program it’s called the Fresh Start Experience, but we teach a lot about the positive psychology underneath connected firm and kind parenting and why it works so well. But it’s all based in needs. But when strong-willed kids who feel very, very deeply when they have needs that aren’t met, they need to belong, they need to feel valuable, they need to feel unconditionally loved, they need to feel powerful is like their biggest bucket. But they go after what they want and need with a vengeance, even if it results in hurting themselves in others. And so as I was had this sweet girl, this my daughter’s friend in the car, and she was like, well I don’t get it because you know, if my parents ground me and if they, you know, take away something or threaten to take away something, I just, I basically, she said, I fall, I’ve, I fall into line.

Like I listen, right? And I just looked at her And I was like, trust me, I just spent three days with you sweet girl and you are more of that easygoing personality. And she was like, I don’t know, I think I’m a strong willed At times And I was like, yes, you are right. So just like my son, my son is 12, he definitely has moments where he goes for what he wants, which is awesome. Like all, all human beings have that. And they are different than a strong-willed kid who basically 99% of the time goes for what they want with a vengeance. Like vengeance is maybe a, it sounds like a superhero word. They go for what they want in a really strong capacity.

So even though the easy, like more of the mellow kind of go with the flow. Like my son for example, if I’m like, Hey, let’s watch this show, right? Like if him And I are snuggling on the couch or something and he wants to watch something And I wanna watch something else. Like I always wanna watch America’s Funniest Videos and he likes to watch Ridiculousness the show on mtv and it’s, it both are similar, like they make us laugh and we love to watch them together. But if I say to him, no, I wanna watch America’s Funniest Videos, and he’s like, no mom, I wanna watch this. Our ridiculousness, if I just say a few more times, like I’m like, it’ll be really fun. I promise you America’s Funniest Videos, there’s probably a new one. I love America’s Funniest Videos.

It’s a And I. And then he’s like, no Mom And. I’m like, yeah, come on, it’ll be great. He often nine outta 10 times will say, okay, fine, I’ll watch it. Stella on the other hand, it, she will never like, I won’t say never because be like, if it’s really important to me, I have the strategies and the tools, which is what I teach inside my programs, to actually meet in the middle with her to be able to influence her with integrity, for her to actually like come on board and watch the movie that we want or the show that we want. And it is a much higher degree of difficulty. Does that make sense? So yes, easygoing kind of more mellow kids, they will have moments where they push for what they want because they’re human and they are nothing compared to a strong-willed kid.

So I think after I explained it, my daughter’s friend kind of got that a little bit, but they, those more easygoing, more mellow kids, they will, if a child, if a parent uses fear force like threats, yelling all the things, they often will just be like, fine, okay, fine, I’ll do what you want. But let’s back up for just a bit and just talk about what a strong-willed child is and why they are so amazing. So here is the truth about strong-willed kids, it’s so well, and before I even go into that, it’s so clear to me that the world sees a strong-willed personality most of the time as a hindrance when nothing could be farther from the truth.

this is why all of those books exist that break my freaking heart about how to break a child’s will. It is often looked at as a problem and it’s really not a strong will is a blessing to society when mentored and you know, nurtured in the right way. They become great leaders. Kids with strong wills often become, you know, they, they are our next generation of future leaders. Like they are the ones who lead movements. They are the ones who found, you know, find found companies is the right way to say it.

They’re the ones who create companies, they’re the ones who become presidents of nations and you know, organizing credible missions, whatever it may be, peaceful protests, like strong-willed kids are a blessing. But as I was having this beautiful conversation in, in the car that day, Stella’s little brother said, mom, don’t you always say Stella has a strong will? And then Stella said, gosh, guys like way to call me out. So as I replied with like, yes honey, and we always tell you what a gift your personality is to the world. And even though like we’ve had that conversation with her a million times, you could still tell that being a strong-willed person still feels like a bit of a label that perhaps she hasn’t even fully embraced yet, right?

Like she’s still a kid. And, I get it. Like it’s, I don’t, I’m not a fan of labels, right? Like, and it’s important for my children to understand their beautiful God-given design and how to fully embrace it, right? But I did realize like, gosh, if my own kiddo still has insecurities about her own personality and her mom literally has spent the last decade teaching others and my own family about the benefits and beauty of a strong will, it just reminded me how important it is to shout this message from the mountaintop. So every family across the world can hear clearly and boldly, Why, Strong, Willed kids are a blessing, not a hindrance, but I want you to think about this for a minute, okay? When it comes to strong will kids, let’s like really clearly define them.

And again, those of you who have multiple kids, I really want you to think about it for a second and you’ll see the difference right between your kids that really clearly have a strong will and those that don’t. But the ones that do clearly have a strong will we often refer to as the Wild ones. So they are the button pushers. They might be the like kind of kiddo that’s constantly getting in trouble. They might be just like very fixed in their position about everything or just the, the kiddo that’s like a bit difficult to get along with when, especially when they’re really young, we often have a tendency to describe these kiddos as demanding, insistent, stubborn, bossy, cocky, difficult, challenging, fixated, contrary, rebellious and defiant.

Sassy is another one I used to describe Stella as, until one of my best friends said to me one day, Wendy, you really need to stop saying that about her because she will live into that And. I was like, dang, at the time I was like defensive. I’m like, what? Like you try raising this kid. And then as the years went on, I was like, gosh, that was some really great advice and I’m thankful that I listened. And so yeah, if that rings a bell and you use those, some of those words, another word that we used, you know, I’m not proud of this, but just to be honest, I love teaching with like vulnerability and honesty. But I remember when I was still in my corporate job and a woman I used to work with that was a little bit older than me and you know, had been through this season of life, toddler season with a strong willed kid.

She goes, yeah, we used to call my little girl PIA P-I-A, I’m like, oh yeah, what’s, what’s that? She goes, pain in the ass. That’s what we used to call her. And back then of course like I would laugh, we would laugh about it and she’d come in, pop in my office, how’s your little Pia doing? How how’d your little Pia do this weekend? And and looking back, I’m like, dang man, we really were like, we were trying to find humor, right? Because I mean, you just, humor can help you when you’re in those seasons of like what feels like such suffering and hopelessness and we were just feeding into like kind of pouring fuel on the fire of what we didn’t want, right? I didn’t want my kid to be seen or me to see her as being a pain in the ass.

So it just, thank God took me stepping into education and learning how to kind of change my mindset, which we’ll talk about too. But before we kind of bury our heads and mourn over how tough the next 15 years of our lives are going to be raising these type of kids, you know, this podcast episode is about good news that I have for you. Again, having a strong, strong-willed kid is actually a blessing, okay? These, these types of personalities often make incredible leaders who are usually pretty darn courageous and naturally have a strong ability to stand up for what they believe in. So one of my favorite educators of all time, her name is LR Knost, she wrote the book Jesus, the Gentle Parent, in addition to like five other amazing kind of conscious parenting books.

But she reminds us that these same traits that we described so negatively in children are often viewed as positive leadership traits in adults. So she states, she says, look at some of the common characteristics of adults who are world leaders, CEOs, entrepreneurs, innovators, world-class athletes, and alike, decisive, determined, persistent, authoritative, confident, valiant, gutsy, committed, resourceful, non-conforming and bold. So note that the characteristics are the same as the ones I used earlier. If you remember, demanding, insistent, stubborn, bossy, cocky, pain in the ass, challenging, rebellious, defiant, they’re the same, but the characteristics are negative when applied to a child and positive when applied to an adult.

So often the characteristics of strong-willed kids that coincide with the characteristics of adult leaders in their fields are they’re typically highly creative and intelligent. They are usually passionate and intense in their interest and beliefs. They often have an insatiable need to know why. They typically learn by doing, which is why compassionate discipline is so freaking important with these kids. They’re, they, they make mistakes often a lot more than other kids because they just do. They tend to have an intense need to test the status quo. They’re typically highly perfection oriented, but often that is focused on their expectations of themselves instead of others.

They tend to need high levels of validation. They usually have an intense need to be heard. They often have a strong need for emotional safety. Again, wise, compassionate discipline is so important for these kids. They, they move into shame so fast if you’re not working with them with connection and from kindness and compassion, they tend to be resistant to change unless they feel like they have some control over the change. They are often highly sensitive and they are typically intense, intensely focused on their latest project or interest and they tend to be conscientious and highly committed. I call this, they have a huge justice button, fairness and equality is off the charts important to them and then they are usually intensely in independent.

So yes, you guys, like how many of you are like holy smokes, my kid is all of those. When I look at Stella, she is 100% all of those things and it’s freaking badass and it is tough to parent sometimes And I have a full-blown like cert multiple certifications. I’ve been doing this work for 13 years, right? So I can only remember and imagine for all of you guys who are new, like some of you are just meeting me for the first time and you’re just learning about this whole positive psychology, positive parenting world, like doing things different than what was done to you, right? And it’s just, I know I’m not gonna pretend like it’s not hard some days and we have such an incredible opportunity upon us.

And. I always say that our kids are often our greatest teachers if we allow them to be. But when it comes to these strong-willed kids, remember that not everyone can be kind of the soft like delicate flower. Like I often refer to strong-willed kids as cactus like they are cacti. And because, because they’re pokey and if you don’t learn how to work with them in an effective, connected, compassionate firm and kind way, they will often like make you bleed, so to speak, right? Like it can become a living hell to live and raise a strong Willed child. But just remember that we need cacti in our world to think outside the box, challenge the status quo and become courageous leaders.

Okay? So I know like firsthand how challenging day-to-day life can be And I cannot imagine if I wouldn’t have invested with all my heart into learning positive parenting and just figuring out how to implement it into the daily fabric of our lives as parents. Okay? So just remember that you know, when strong-willed kids are mentored, instead of being told just to stop it, be different, change, stop being so X, Y, and Z, the world benefits big time. So I know I mentioned it a few times, but I think it’s important for you guys to understand the positive psychology piece of what I teach here at Fresh Start Family.

Remember all kids have needs the need to belong, the need to feel powerful, the need to feel valuable, the need to give and receive unconditional love. Again, for strong-willed kids, the need to feel powerful is their biggest bucket. And so many kids are rolling around like so many strong-willed kids are rolling around doing life with a very empty bucket because so many parents think that if you give these kids an inch, they’ll take a mile. So we end up leaning heavier into do what I say or else and punishment tactics that just end up making the situation worse.

So let’s go ahead and dive into a little bit about why punishment that is so common in homes across the world. Why it like not only doesn’t work, but also creates deep division in relationships between parent and child. And then also causes hiding, lying, shame, blame and risky behaviors as kids get older. Because remember you guys, I now have the honor of speaking to it from the time when we started when Stella was three, now to being almost 16 years old and seeing what actually happens when you lean in and use the strategies that I teach to influence your children through relationship and connection versus fear and force, right? So now I have the honor of actually watching her friend community watching what’s happening, like watching the punishment that’s still being thrown out in these homes with these parents who are doing their best and they’re just thinking that it’s gonna work and it never freaking works.

The kids keep repeating the same behaviors and if they like, basically they develop this ability to just hide and lie about it and cover it up. And that to them gives the facade to their parents that they’re learning from the punishment, but really they’re just getting better at hiding and lying. Okay? But there are four main areas of education that I teach here at Fresh Start Family that all of my students become really well educated about par students that are inside my Fresh Start Experience. But number one, the importance of paradigm shifting. So we start seeing misbehavior as communication versus kids being little pains in the asses who purposely are trying to push our buttons and just get their way.

Number two, we work on how to change our communication so our kids listen and cooperate because they want to, not because they have to. And for strong-willed kids, this is all about empowerment every dang day we teach inside of our programs 10 strategies that you wanna use every day when you are parenting a strong-willed child. Those strategies are highly effective at preventing pushback because the more you are pouring into your child feeling powerful on a day-to-day basis, which is easier said than done, I know it kind of sounds weird, but like once you start to learn the strategies you realize like, oh, it’s not that difficult to, to share the power in this situation with my child, And, let me tell you, their ears perk up so fast when parents learn to communicate differently and influence differently with strong willed kids.

But number three, understanding root causes of misbehavior. So you clearly are addressing the missing need that a child is experiencing as well as redirecting the misbehavior with connection from kindness and effectiveness versus just standard band-aids, like punishments that never actually get to the root of the problem. And then number four, using compassionate discipline versus classic punishment tactics to actually teach life skills a child is missing or still developing versus just make them feel bad about how they messed up. A question I always ask my students is, where do we get the notion that in order to make a child behave better, we must first make them feel worse?

Ugh, so odd, right? Like where did we get that notion? It’s just not true. So there is a lot of educational pieces that come together to really create a thriving environment for families and parents who really commit to learning. Then really that is the key, right? Like the parents I work with who commit to learning in a slow and steady format are the ones who get the best results. We now have a Google document of success stories that’s over 800 pages long. It’s insane. It makes me so happy. I wanna write a book with it one day because the stories are literally like tear jerker, not just, hey, my kid put on their shoes or set still at the dinner table.

But like parents are like full-blown ending, painful, generational cycles of fear, force disconnection, shame, like, ugh, it’s just amazing in the best way. But today I’m focusing most on the discipline part because I think it’s, it’s one of the easiest, I think for parents to raise their hand and just say like, oh, you know what? Yep. Like I’m definitely doing that. I’m definitely doing timeouts, I’m definitely taking things away as a punishment. And it’s usually the things we know our kids love the most, right? Like their iPhones, their video games, their iPads, sugar, whatever it may be, their favorite toys.

Like I have a story about the day back when, like I had before I became fluent with this work where I threw away one of Stella’s prized stuffed animals and it was one of the most chaotic, heart wrenching memories for both of us. She flipped out And I was like, good, I want you to flip out, this is what you get when you’re so bad, right? But like taking things away or maybe you know, like that realization of like, oh yeah, I’m definitely threatening spankings. I’m definitely using intimidation tactics like fingers in the face, right? Like teeth gritted, finger in the face yelling, which is often like combined with, oh yeah, like I am.

I’m definitely using groundings as our kids get older to try and make my kids behave better. So discipline is the area I usually teach parents about. Only after parents have learned the first three frameworks of positive parenting, paradigm shifting, communication adjustments and accurate assessment of misbehavior. But today I did just kind of wanna bring light to why punishment kind of represents the straw that breaks the camel’s back for so many families. Because a lot of times here’s what’s actually happening in homes, number one, there’s usually this like inherited very unhealthy paradigm that kids who push back a lot are bad, disobedient, naughty, selfish and difficult like we had talked about earlier.

So kids often become what they are defined as. this is also the concept of what you focus on grows. So if you’re constantly seeing your kids as a pain in the ass, they live right into that. Just the other day at church we had the most amazing sermon about the research that you know, amazing like social scientists have done to prove that the brain will mold. Like we have these mirror neurons that will basically, they start to adapt to the story we believe. And so, you know, at church it was like in a faith setting of just like the story of scripture in Jesus’s life.

But like here, it’s like if you believe, if you have a story that your kid who pushes back a lot and has that strong will is defiant, disobedient, a pain in the ass, always causing trouble, always making life difficult, your brain is gonna fire mirror neurons to see that out in the world and to make that your reality, it’s trippy, right? Like, and it’s so freaking true. They’ve proven it. That’s how our brains operate when it comes to comprehending and believing stories. Parents who, so number two, parents who are tasked with the intense job of raising a strong little kid end up communicating with frustration, irritation and intimidation and with a lot of annoyed yeses.

Meaning that you get so rundown from the constant negotiating that you get stuck in the constant pendulum swing between two firm, which is the fear, threats, yelling, et cetera. And then the two kind, which is the other side of the pendulum, which is like permissive and the annoyed yeses, you know, which is basically like fine if you fine, but I’m not happy about it. Like that type of thing. I, I love to work with my, my students around how to either say a like a confident yes or confident no, but annoyed yeses like really jack up relationships. And then number three, parents often get stuck in a punishment cycle thinking the harder they come down on their strong-willed kids, the more their strong-willed kids will fear a consequence which will result in better behavior, right?

Wrong. The more punishment that exists in homes of strong-willed children, the more stress drama and chaos exists and it looks different at every age. You guys different ages, it shows the chaos looks differently. I did a reel about it once, I’ll make sure, but I have my podcast manager Amy put the link in the show notes for this episode and it’s actually saved into the discipline bubble over on Instagram. So if you don’t follow me on Instagram yet, make sure you do, I’m @FreshStartWendy. I have a lot of free teaching resources there that are in a visual format. I know a lot of you like to learn via visual stuff, right? Like this is audio that we’re listening to, but visual, visual is fantastic too.

But I did a real once about the reality of what punishment looks like in homes and what it feels like and how it shows up for parents who are using punishment as a main coercion like tactic or tool because it sounds so easy, right? Like your neighbor or your best friend from college or your boss, these are all people that in my own life, back when Stella was three year old, three years old had told me just spank Stella or grab, get that book off Amazon that’ll teach you how to use a fricking switch on her every time she acts up and she’ll fall into shape real quick. Like remember my mom used to say to me, you know, you just need to give her a good spanking and it’ll solve everything.

But then when you go to implement punishment in real life with strong-willed kids, it’s often freaking chaos with them begging, screaming and pleading for mercy at the top of their lungs while your heart is beating outta your chest with anger and blame about how they make you have to hurt them, right? And no like I know so many of us have had twisted messages sent our way of like, oh no, you just need to learn how to punish when you’re calm. Never punish or spank when you’re angry. No, no Thank you. I’m not looking for anyone to train me on how to hurt my children, right? But back then I really was just trying to like do what all these people around me kept telling me was the way to create this like good human being or you know, the chaos often shows up as like us trying to force our kids to sit in timeout when they are freaking out with tears streaming down their face them they keep getting up, we keep pushing them down, they keep getting up, we keep pushing them down because strong Willed kids are so determined but screaming that they will not and don’t deserve it and that life is unfair.

I remember Stella used to say to us all the time when we would say, you go in timeout and you think about it and she would scream right back at us with our her finger right back in our face and she would say, you think about it and now I can laugh at it, but back then it drove me insane, right? Like I was just like, what is wrong with this kid? Or the chaos shows up sometimes as like us raising our voice and yelling so loud at our kids to make them listen sometimes to the point of scaring them so bad that you make them cry. Only the wake up the next day to them screaming at their little brother to stop touching their toys. Like strong kids are masters at watching someone they admire get power and then mimic them like a pro.

I once made my little guy cry from screaming and it’s like one of the most pivotal memories that I have that caused me to like really get help. When it came to yelling, it took me seven years to stop yelling by the way, but I’ll just never remember like the tears. It was like this li slightly delayed reaction, right? Like I screamed in his face about bubble bath that he had poured out this organic bubble bath and it was like he looked at me and then all of a sudden, just like the tears started screaming, he was probably four years old. And I just went into my bedroom and weeped and I came back to apologize and just be like, dude, I’m sorry. Like you didn’t deserve that. And you know what he said to me? He said, mama, it’s okay.

Everyone makes mistakes. And so this was the time. By that point I had probably been like learning this work for like, I don’t know, six months or something, maybe a year But. it just gave me such hope cuz I was like, okay, I’m doing something right. I’m teaching him about forgiveness and I’ve obviously, even though I still have these like really blow up moments, I, I was at that point really starting to teach my kids that are mistakes. Mistakes are just opportunities to learn. And so to have my four year old lick in my eyes and say, mama, it’s okay, everyone makes mistakes. I was like, okay, we’re gonna be okay. Or chaos in homes once kids get older can look like grounding teens and having to endure screaming fits where your loud lecturing is more of a shaming tactic with a tone of like you’re an entitled brat or of like sometimes, you know, so often like especially like I said, as kids get older, this happens for younger kids too with punishment cycles, but they’ll, you know, they’ll start screaming things like, I hate you, you’re the worst.

Sometimes expletive parent on the planet or actually like having shoving matches as you try to drop block the door to prevent them from leaving or you know, walk in their room a month later because you’re knee deep in patterns of expecting your kids to lie and hide things from you to find drugs and alcohol or traces of them cheating or vaping or still doing X, y, Z behavior that you swore that grounding would take care of real quick when they messed up last time, right? Like that type of chaos. I still remember that, you know, back when I was a teenager and like my dad trying to take away my TV as punishment and now realizing like I am one heck of a strong-willed kid. Like I showed up differently than my brother did.

But I am very strong-willed. We always say that Apple doesn’t fall far usually when you have a strong-willed kid. So Stella definitely got it from her mama and now I can see how it’s served me so well in life. Like it caused me to have the tenacity and the grit to create Fresh Start Family and make it through the crazy startup years and the investment and the courage it took to like create this organization. But back then it showed up in my teenage years for sure. But my dad was trying to like take away my TV as punishment sometime one time I forget about this is a thing that happens with punishment. You don’t remember what you were in trouble for or what life skill your parent was trying to teach you. You just remember the fight that ensued.

And so something happened, And I slipped cuz it turned into a bit of a shoving match cuz I was trying to take the TV and he was trying to take the tv And, I slipped, And I cut my leg pretty bad, And I never got stitches, but I still have a scar on my leg, right? I probably like hid it and was like, you know, never even asked for help because I was so disconnected that by that point from my dad. But you know, that’s like the actual chaos. That’s an example of like what actual punishment looks like when you have strong-willed kids and many times it’s just the intense denial of responsibility, the blame of others and intense attitudes during times of punishments.

So for example, I want you to think of the last time you put your child in time out or grounded them or spanked them or took away their iPad or whatever. Did they respond more with an A or B type of response? A being like, oh mom, Thank you so much, like for pointing out this flaw or this mistake. Like I can definitely understand what I did wrong and I’m learn, I’m learning and so tomorrow I’m gonna make a different choice. That’s A. Or do they respond more with B, which is like, this is not fair, you’re the worst. I hate this family, you know, I’m so mad that I have to sit here in timeout and begging for mercy. Maybe like which one A or B if we’re being honest.

B! Like come on, let’s be honest, right? Like punishment is always the B. Now the way I teach compassionate discipline, I’m telling you after doing it for 13 years and seeing it works so tremendously for families across the world. When you use compassionate discipline, which is based in teaching and mentorship, the A actually happens where they’re like, I get it Thank you for your grace, mom Thank you for teaching me. Yes, I see how I’m missing that life skill. I see how I make a made a mistake. this is what I learned from the mistake that I made today. This is how I’m gonna choose to do things differently tomorrow with my brother or my classmate or you and dad, whatever it may be. Just remember that like when we use punishment as the parent, we’re basically saying, I will make you do X, Y, and z, or I will do X, Y and Z to you.

And there’s nothing you can do about it except for just take it. I’ll add some shame to make sure you feel bad about messing up. And then also be sure to remind you of how this will keep happening if you don’t shape up. That is the tone of punishment and in a nutshell, punishment tactics create disconnection, bitterness, shame and toxic stress in households. But the cool thing is you guys is strong-willed. Kids have the balls to raise their hands often from a very young age to say Mom and dad, there’s a better way And I won’t settle for this being our family story. They literally will not and cannot be forced into submission without major detriment and without raising literal hell.

So for the child who you know basically does have their will successfully broken with so many twisted books and parenting programs teach, especially in the Christian world, which is breaks my heart because as a follower of Jesus Christ myself, I believe with all of my being, that’s that stuff like the breaking of the will and the punishment stuff that is often told to Christian families is the way But. it is actually the opposite of what Jesus taught and who he was. But that’s a different episode for another day. We have many, many episodes about that kind of stuff by the way, but today we’re talking punishment in this scenario.

So, but as, but for those kids who have their will broken, they often end up with high functioning anxiety later in life, a k a perfectionism or deep rooted shame about how something must be wrong with them because of the many, many times they heard from an adult they loved that they were the cause of the family’s problems, or that they are the reason why the parent had to hurt them. Then resulting in, you know, basically relating love and pain is just jacked up. We don’t want that for our own family legacy. But many of those kids like, and maybe some of this is you, maybe some of you are resonating with this.

You’re like, maybe you’re like, I was one of those kids, but constantly hearing if you were just better, then I wouldn’t have to set you straight all the time. And oftentimes the kids who have parents who do learn how to up their fear and force methods so high that their strong Willed kids finally do cave to those coercion tactics, they usually find the power elsewhere in the world. Back to my brother’s story. So whether that’s bullying kids in middle or high school or calling out in class versus waiting their turn or disrespecting the teacher or doing drugs and alcohol, or having promiscuous sex in high school against their parents’ wishes, all of that kind of stuff will fill their need to feel powerful effectively, of course not in the way we want, but in effective way, nonetheless.

Does that make sense? So again, if they aren’t given power in the home and within their family, they will demand it out in the world. So the reason I wanted to record on this today is not to really go into teaching about compassionate discipline. We have, we have so many resources here at Fresh Start Family where families can learn the exact step-by-step process to shift out of punishment into compassionate discipline. But the, the purpose today is just to help you all who are raising strong-willed kids and really struggling to understand that A, you are not crazy, there’s nothing wrong with you, and B, your kids aren’t broken.

And C, I just want you to have a little bit more understanding of why you’re running into such problems. The world. you guys has gotten a lot wrong in life. Let’s not pretend that everything mass culture has adopted, has been hunky dory. And using fear force, intimidation, threats, and aggression to make other humans submit is one huge area in my opinion that the world has gotten way wrong. And. I believe that our strong-willed kids have been put on this earth to help change the world for the better. They are the ones who have the courage to call out injustice and bring light to issues that need to be resolved.

Some of my favorite strong-willed humans who have ever existed include a few people who have won the Nobel Peace Prize. So Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Malala Yousafzai, Nelson Mandela, if you look at Malala, she’s someone who exemplified the virtues of fortitude and justice through her endless amount of determination to give girls the freedom they deserve even when faced with difficulty and danger. If you remember, she is who was shot by the Taliban for her efforts to help young girls learn how to read and have an education. She did not let the vicious acts though of the Taliban discourage nor silence her.

Instead, she let it fuel her desire to commence change and create a world where education is a fundamental right for everyone. She showed and continues to show an astounding amount of courage and justice. Again, strong-willed kids have very high justice buttons. And I really do believe that Malala was a strong-willed kid who had incredible mentorship. If you’ve never read her book or had your children read her book, the story of her father’s support of her and her work is just beautiful. But she had this big justice button that was about, you know, bringing freedom to every school system. So girls had the same rights, right?

She wanted to end gender discrimination and raise awareness of the limitation that girls experience on an everyday basis in some countries. Martin Luther King Jr. Is one of my greatest strong-willed heroes of all time. His empathy, empathy, resiliency, communication, skills, attitude, drive, strength, motivation are what led him to become one of the most influential people in all of United States history. He was powerful and he used his power to influence the believers. He was determined, self-confident, and was beyond committed to his beliefs. And really he had an immense amount of self-confidence and his ability about his competencies and skills, which again, self-confidence is something you see in strong-willed kids so often, like they really believe in themselves.

But when it comes to like following a leader, right? Like m MLK Junior, like y you know, if you are confident in your actions, then of course you’re gonna gain a lot of trust from your followers, right? So that’s why I always try to teach parents, be someone who is confident in your influential skills because your children will follow suit when you have confidence, when you’re unsure of yourself, it doesn’t come across so well. But you know, as a leader, like we want that confidence. And Dr. King’s confidence just drew poise, right? Like he had such poise that like just drew his followers in and Jesus had that same stance. Like one of the best arguments of all time I’ve heard some people say is like, Jesus was either super crazy or he was a liar, or he was who he said he was, right?

But he had such confidence, right? He was so determined he was never shaken in his beliefs no matter how much persecution and attack that he had on his life. Another one is Nelson Mandela, who won the Noble Peace Prize in 1993 along with South Africa’s president at the time, F W de Klerk, for having led the transition from apartheid to a multiracial democracy. Mandela is also known for being the first black president of South America from 1994 to 1999. But he was not only humble, which is a superpower, but a strong Willed political leader, strong-willed and independent-minded.

He was passionate perseverant and he was risk tolerant. He was bold and counter-cultural with forgiveness versus what most of culture leans towards, which is bitterness, revenge, and resentment. My church here in San Diego did an incredible sermon on the just forgiveness, forgiveness and reconciliation tactics that Mandela and Desmond Tutu put together that literally saved that country from Civil War. I’ll make sure we put it in the show notes too, But, it was just such a beautiful sermon and just a reminder that forgiveness is really, really powerful. But yeah, so as I, as I mentioned like another one who won the, the ultimate noble Peace prize of course, is Jesus who made the ultimate sacrifice, right?

Like whether you’re a person of faith or not. Here at Fresh Start family, we love to support families of all faiths. And I often go the extra mile. We have quite a few resources and support programs available for families of Christian faith, just cuz I believe that they’re up against even more resistance to do things differently, which is just so weird and twisted. But Jesus was someone who stayed committed to his mission of bringing mankind to God, even if it meant his own death. And then last last thing I thought of as I was recording, like making notes for this episode is just recently in the news, is the Tennessee three who peacefully protested, demanding common sense gun law, and then two of which got expelled from their jobs.

But the firings only ignited more passion in them. And the con cons, that’s a hard word, I don’t even think I’m gonna say it. The people, the voters in their, you know, their districts essentially, and it, it, it just really fueled them to stand up even taller for what they were advocating for, right? But as the two men who were expelled said they engaged in good trouble because they wanted to challenge the system that is so clearly corrupt and racist in Tennessee. So they peacefully and Nonviolently stood against the broken system, or as representative Justin Jones said, we broke the glass of false power for the world to see.

But you get the idea. These are the kind of people that I look up to, not only to inspire me to do good and be good in the world, but also to understand how strong-willed kids are wired. You can see clearly that the strengths of these strong-willed people, these humans who were mentored well and used their strong-willed for good, changed our entire world. So we have the ability to raise our own strong-willed kids in the same way we have the choice to learn how to work with them as they are our next generation of leaders. So I hope this episode inspires you to get support. You need to do things differently with your own strong-willed kids. And I know I talked a lot about punishment today and how punishment robs children of power so much that they often end up basically creating an up rise that creates even more stress and harm in the home.

Because no amount of punishment is going to actually influence our strong-willed kids. Like they have to believe that what they are learning and how they are being mentored is not only good for the world, but also good for them. And punishment just doesn’t do that. It again, has a goal to make a human being pay for their wrongs. It’s about retribution. It’s about making someone feel bad for the mistakes that they’ve made. And when we try those tactics with strong-willed kids, they just resist it like no other. When a strong-willed human being is basically robbed of power, or when they, when power is taken from them, especially in an aggressive stance, they resist, they dig their feet in the mud even more and they will not learn the life skill that you want them to learn.

But I hope a result of this episode is that you feel less alone and that you feel filled with hope. That even though this journey of raising strong Willed kids has a high level of extra education needed, which is why I do what I do, that’s why the Fresh Start Family Organization exists. That’s why I have such an easy program called the Fresh Start Experience to get started with. But we can all make it the most incredible fulfilling, purpose driven journey where we fall back in love with our spicy driven little strong-willed souls. So we have so many resources to help you thrive as a parent. And really the best place to start is with our free learning Bundle all about how to raise strong willed kids with integrity.

It comes with an extensive free learning guide where I’ll not only teach you how to work differently with your strong Willed kids, but also provide space for you to create your own plan of action when it comes to your own unique kiddos. In addition to the learning guide, you’ll get an invitation to join me for my Free Power Struggles Workshop, where I’ll teach you my most powerful, dissolving powerful strategies to handle those most triggering moments where your kids say, no, won, won’t, and you can’t make me. I actually just had a student who I coached the other day who said to his mom, I won’t do it and you can’t even get me to step foot in that room. And he was about 10, I think.

So remember, kids say no and dig in their like, kind of dig their feet in the mud in many different ways. And what you need more of is not control, but instead, tools to dissolve power struggles with integrity and firm kindness. So you can get instant access to the free learning Bundle by heading to freshstartfamilyonline.com. And just remember, like we also have a lot of free resources designed for, you know, if you happen to be a parent who kind of like leans to reactive mode very easily instead of responsive mode like where you feel like you, you know, might grab risk too tight or yell or like jump to conclusions or you know, that kind of stuff.

We have free resources to help you in your responsive parenting walk. And we also have free resources to help you with compassionate discipline. And, I want you to start with power struggles first because power struggles is often the beginning of what causes a family to go south. So it starts with power struggles, then a family gets into this reactive pattern, and then from there, often revenge starts to take root. Where if a child who has a strong will and has a huge desire to feel powerful is always being overpowered in one way or another, they often will have revenge misbehavior, hitting, kicking, saying, I hate you, doing things behind your back, hurtful words and actions.

And then from there, parents actually end up punishing a lot, which is kind of the last part of the cycle, if that makes sense. So trust me, if you wanna know more about what we teach around compassion and discipline, I will get you supported. But I want you to start with the power struggles, learning Bundle first, which is really where I speak into your experience with your strong-willed kid. Okay? So we gotta start there because I want you to fully understand kind of the ways that you can work to dissolve power struggles with integrity first. Then we’ll move on to look at like kind of what you can do to feel empowered and to be able to be responsive versus reactive. And then we’ll move on to how do you switch up your punishment tactics into more of compassionate discipline strategies.

All right, you guys. Well, thanks for being here today and thanks for listening. If you love this episode, please take a screenshot right now and share over on Instagram. Tag me, I’m @FreshStartWendy, and then shoot me a DM. Let me know what really resonated with you. But most importantly, just grab your free Fast start. We call it a quick start, free quick start learning, Bundle freshstartfamilyonline.com, and we’ll get you supported right away. That downloadable learning guide will be in your hands immediately, and then you can get registered to take part in that free class with me. And by tonight or tomorrow evening, you are going to be feeling so much more empowered and hopeful and just full of ideas, creativity, and connection with your kiddo.

All right, families, thanks for listening and I’ll see you on the next episode.

For links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/177.

Stella:
For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening, families, have a great day.