In this enlightening episode of the Fresh Start Family show, Wendy Snyder dives into the intricate relationship between a child’s misbehavior and the underlying issues often masked by these actions. In a heart-to-heart conversation, she reveals how the nervous system’s conditioning from past experiences shapes our parenting responses, especially in disciplining our children. Wendy draws from her own transformative journey of nervous system healing and financial mentorship to reveal the interconnections between emotional well-being and family dynamics.
Wendy discusses five signs indicating that a child’s misbehaviors is merely a symptom of more profound problems, largely stemming from the nervous system’s response to stimuli based on past experiences. She interweaves concepts such as unconditional love, cognitive dissonance, conditional parenting, and trauma responses into this discussion desired to inspire you to look inwards. Tune in to learn & grow as Wendy unravels the complexities of responding to misbehavior w/ grace and invites parents to consider a path of healing and understanding.
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Episode Highlights:
- Misbehaviors in children are often symptoms rather than problems, stemming from the nervous system’s reactions based on past experiences.
- Recognizing and healing one’s nervous system responses can lead to more effective parenting, especially when dealing with misbehavior.
- Conditional love and criticism in childhood can lead to an internalized self-critic, affecting the way parents respond to their own children.
- Understanding one’s feelings and responses is crucial, as many adult behaviors are rooted in a need for safety and belonging developed in childhood.
- Comprehensive wellness, including financial health, is deeply intertwined with family dynamics and parental responses to misbehavior.
Resources Mentioned:
The Garden Within by Dr. Anita Phillips
www.freshstartfamilyonline.com/relax
Not able to listen or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!
0:00:03 – (Wendy): Well, hello there, families, and welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family show. I’m your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And I’m so happy that you are here. Today we are going to chat about five signs your child’s misbehavior is a symptom, not the problem. And really, this is a conversation about the nervous system families. I have been on such a beautiful, interesting journey with my own healing around my own nervous system for the past seven months now.
0:00:38 – (Wendy): And it has just been so cool to expand my knowledge and understanding of how our nervous systems work together with our minds and our hearts and our emotions to drive our thoughts and our behaviors, which ultimately helps us create the life that we want or the life that we do not want, which so many of us are in when we first find the work of powerful, positive parenting. Right? That’s where I was when I first found this work.
0:01:11 – (Wendy): My life was not where I wanted it to be. I was not enjoying my days with my beautiful, strong willed little toddler, who is now 16 years old. Took a gold medal yesterday in a. A beach volleyball tournament. Got a bid for nationals, just killing it on the beach volleyball circuit. So inspired by her. But, man, what a journey. It’s been 14 years since we found this work. And, you know, I look back to how I was operating back then, and it’s so clear that my nervous system was frazzled. And over the years, thank God, because of this work and so many healing modalities and just truth filled information that has changed my life, we are just in a very different place with our kids now, especially my little girl. And now I have this life of my dreams. Right?
0:02:04 – (Wendy): And so, as we talk about this subject today and a lot about the nervous system, I’ll kind of let you guys in on where I’ve been, and I think God just works in the coolest, most mysterious ways. But I would have never guessed that I would have been taking a deep dive into nervous system healing the past seven months. I actually. The mentor that I’ve been studying under her name’s Kate. I found her when I had decided that I needed some support with financial mentorship. When it comes to entrepreneurship, where are my entrepreneurs out there?
0:02:45 – (Wendy): Holy smokes. If you are a student of mine inside the frustrated experience, you hear me talk a lot about where this is, where all my growth is these days. This is where all of my investment in mentors and healing is. Is really around entrepreneurship, the parenting thing. Thank God. Because of this work, um, we just feel really dialed. We feel secure. We feel like our foundation is so strong, nothing can rock us in the parenting world. Um, and we just feel like we’re thriving and in entrepreneurship.
0:03:19 – (Wendy): It’s just, I feel like it’s like my third baby and it’s my third colicky baby. And it’s just such a joy to run this organization and manage the team that I have and really spend my days saving and changing lives. When I say we save lives, I’m really not exaggerating. We get so many notes of where lives are literally saved through this work, but we can talk about that later. But it’s just been such a journey to find complete peace and thriving as an entrepreneur. And about eight months ago, I realized God put it on my heart that I really needed to get some support in the financial space because I just felt this immense amount of pressure.
0:04:09 – (Wendy): When I founded this organization, Terry was so supportive. If you listen to about two episodes, we aired an episode where Terry talked about what it was like to support me when I wanted to. When I decided to get certified to become a parenting coach and found fresh start family, and he was all in. I mean, we took a second mortgage out on our home and we invested in this organization. I knew that when I wanted to build the learning platform that I did, it was going to take an intense investment.
0:04:43 – (Wendy): And I had graduated from college with a marketing degree before I went into the land of certifications and really changing my career to do what I do now. But my marketing degree that I had back then from San Diego State really did nothing to help me build what I now have. Which is, yes, we are a powerful, positive parenting education and family life coaching organization. But I really spend a lot of my days digital marketing. So digital marketing is basically just how do you find new families to spread this light to and to change their life?
0:05:20 – (Wendy): And for us, really selling our programs is serving. And so it is the way we serve the world in the deepest capacity, because we know once we have families actually in our programs, that’s where we can deepen, create beautiful, positive transformation. Podcasts are wonderful. Books are wonderful. I’m probably going to write one later this year. Hallelujah for a recent book proposal offer that I’ve gotten. Hooray. Please pray for that.
0:05:51 – (Wendy): If you’re a praying type, they’re wonderful. But we know that it’s the families who get in to the programs that really usually are the ones who create the legacy upgrade, who really understand on a deeper capacity how to implement the strategies and tools that I teach. So I spend a lot of my days doing digital marketing, and it has just been really intense to learn how to do that. It requires a lot of investment to reach new families.
0:06:23 – (Wendy): And you would think that this work would be really easy to get into the hands of people and help people feel safe to step into programs and invest in their family. And holy smokes, it’s just, it’s intense. It is intense. And again, on the investment front, it just takes a lot of investment. So. And then add on top of that that when you’re helping people and painful generational cycles, oftentimes they have, um, interesting ways. Right? So, um, you’ll hear me talk next week. I’m going to share, actually, a podcast and interview with my mentor, Kate, who I’ve been doing all of this nervous system healing with.
0:07:02 – (Wendy): You’ll hear me tell a story in the beginning about really, like, you know, one of those seasons where I was like, man, I just feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown because I work so joyfully and diligently to build this business. And then sometimes you just get people that are just really unkind. And I know that hurt people, hurt people. And so I have a tendency to want to help the people who are hurt the most.
0:07:28 – (Wendy): And a lot of people come from religious trauma that find me and feel safe because I’m a believer of Jesus. And so people feel really safe to heal in my world because that makes sense, right? And a lot of people come in with some behaviors that honestly, like, I will always tell you that the behaviors we have in the world with the way we treat people, whether it’s the gas station attendant or our spouse or our neighbor or our children, it’s, you know, it’s like, I can tell when someone treats me unkindly and harshly, I’m like, oh, that makes sense. That’s probably why you treat. That’s probably representative of the way you treat your children, and it’s usually representative of the way you were raised. Right? Like, I have a lot of families who were raised with fear and force and shame and humiliation, right? Like the classic, the traditional model where now I always ask my students, it’s like, where do we get the idea that in order to make a child feel better, we must first, in order to make a child behave better, we must first make them feel worse, right? So it just makes no sense. And we teach families how to do it differently. You don’t need to hurt, harm, and humiliate your child into better behavior.
0:08:54 – (Wendy): But a lot of families who come into this work, they kind of have that. That belief system. They don’t want to have that belief system, but they do, because that’s how they were raised for 18 years, and that’s how their nervous system was conditioned, which we’re going to talk more about the nervous system today. So sometimes I get some pretty heavy daggers thrown at me, and it can just feel really exhausting. And there are often, if I’m being honest, a few times a year, where I’ll end up in a bucket of tears and just kind of want to give up.
0:09:23 – (Wendy): And I’ll say to Terry, man, it’s like, is this even worth it? Like, I love helping people so much, but sometimes those little moments, it’s like the straw that breaks the camel’s back, right? And you just are like, man, this is really intense. Like, should I just go get a job selling jeans? And then, of course, I get a full night’s rest, and I’m like, hell, no. This is my life’s purpose. I love running this organization.
0:09:51 – (Wendy): And to have the honor of really transforming family legacies, which is really what we do. I mean, when people first find us, it’s like, cool, I’m going to help you get your child to cooperate better, especially your strong willed child. And then once people are in our work, they realize, like, oh, my gosh, I’m really transforming my entire family legacy, and it’s just really beautiful, beautiful work. So I always wake up the next day feeling refreshed and ready to tackle another year. But you’ll hear me talk about next week in the episode with my mentor, how I found her work when I was really in one of those little nervous breakdown places where someone had said something really unkind to me, and I just wanted to throw in the towel, and I was just praying to God. I’m like, God, why does this feel so hard?
0:10:46 – (Wendy): And through many different signs, let me just tell you, through one of them being one of my coaches who had a vision about sickness in the root, like, just a beautiful vision from God that one of my coaches, Kayla, had given to me right at the exact same time that I found Kate. But I really got the message loud and clear that there was something happening underneath the surface that I needed to address that was making the building of this organization harder. And so that turned out to be financial, limiting beliefs and suffering that I’d always known growing up in my home was kind of like, um, you know, middle class family. I’d say lower middle class family or middle class family.
0:11:29 – (Wendy): But my parents had, like, a really intense scarcity mindset around money. You know, both of them had grown up in families that, you know, they, they made ends meet, but it was intense and just family history of, like, you know, I’m not going to say poverty, but just really just struggling. Right? Struggling to make ends meet, so to speak. And so growing up in my home, I knew that it was like that, but I didn’t understand how much it had actually affected me and my nervous system and the way I was responding to finances and building an organization that, of course, of course I want to be financially prosperous.
0:12:13 – (Wendy): The more I’m financially prosperous in my organization, the better I can pay my employees. And the more I can invest in this organization, the more I can invest in advertising, which reaches more families across the world, the more I can offer scholarships. Right? Like, of course I want to be more financially prosperous. And the reality was we have not been, we have not been financially prosperous as an organization.
0:12:42 – (Wendy): We’re going on six years now. It’s just been really tough. And thank God, now, because of my new mentor, her that I found eight months ago, we now are financially prosperous for a good six months, and we’re doing so, so much better. You’re going to hear me talk all about that next week. But the point is, I took a deep dive into nervous system healing, which I did not quite realize that program was going to do for me.
0:13:09 – (Wendy): And as I learned more about my nervous system and how it had been conditioned for 18 years, it all started to make sense why it was such a struggle to respond to the challenging situations in my business in the way that I wanted to, right? Like, not in a panic, catastrophizing, fear based vision, the worst. And then if you know my work, if you’re a student of mine, you know that when we vision the worst, when we fear the worst, when we have limiting beliefs about how it. It’s impossible or we can’t get what we want, we often will create that reality in a really odd kind of twisted way. And so, you know, that may sound weird, but trust me, it is so interesting how powerful we are to create what we want.
0:14:05 – (Wendy): And when you have subconscious, unconscious belief systems and patterns happening, you are powerless. And the more you can do to educate yourself, to help you realize what’s actually happening and get yourself into that empowered state, the more you’re able to create the life that you want. So that’s what I’ve done over the last eight months. I’ve taken a deep dive into financial healing, and it’s really involved so much understanding of the nervous system. So what happens in parenting? Because, trust me, just hang in here with me. I know we’re tying in financial healing and we’re tying in misbehavior and children and parenting. And then I’m going to even tie in compassionate discipline because that’s what we’re studying this month at the fresh start experience.
0:14:52 – (Wendy): Again, I think God works in very mysterious ways. And for me, it all is tied together because the common denominator is the nervous system. So what happens to families is most people, most parents spend decades working on their kids misbehaviors, thinking that there’s actually something wrong with their kid. They’re lazy, they’re entitled, they’re selfish, they’re ADHD, they’re mean, they’re defiant.
0:15:22 – (Wendy): All, you know, whatever. Enter your favorite label on a day when you’re not so empowered, or you’re feeling really low or you’re feeling hopeless, or you are like, I can’t get what I want because of my child because they have this or they act like this, right? Like we have a tendency to either blame ourselves or blame other people for us not getting what we want. But we spend decades, a lot of parents spend decades trying to make their child change and thinking that their life is just stressful because their child won’t change.
0:15:59 – (Wendy): And they spend time thinking that their child needs to be corrected and shaped into a better person. But it’s not what you think it is. It’s actually not the reality. So, for myself, being a powerful, positive parenting coach for almost a decade now, I can’t believe it’s been a decade again. I’ve founded fresh start family about six years ago, and now coming off really our biggest enrollment we’ve ever had for our highest end full mastery program. It’s called become a parenting coach. And we just ended registration for that.
0:16:43 – (Wendy): Enrolled students from all over the world who are going to be spending the next seven months in deep mentorship with me, reaching what I call the highest level of the powerful positive parenting journeys, a hero’s journey. That’s a masterclass I taught a few weeks ago. If you were there with me, that was so much fun. But the highest rung of the powerful, positive parenting heroes journey is becoming a leader in your community, whether that’s through volunteering at your child’s school or in your school system to spread this movement of firm, kind, connected parenting, or whether that’s actually designing a coaching business and bringing in, you know, another revenue stream into your family.
0:17:25 – (Wendy): But that is the highest rung. That actually is what usually helps people get to that place of full mastery where you are fully fluent in the language of powerful, positive parenting. But being that I’ve done this for so long now and, you know, I’ve just. I spent, gosh, enrolling into this latest program that gets kicked off in mid April, I had the honor of actually having, like, I want to say, I mean, probably 40 personal conversations with you guys, hearing about what’s going on for you and your family.
0:17:58 – (Wendy): What are your hopes and dreams? What is your biggest challenge? What do you want for your family legacy? Like, where do you want to be three, five years down the road from now? And after talking to so many parents, it’s so clear to me that so many of you are getting it that you want to shift your focus to healing and connection within your home versus fixing and correction. So let’s get real about this.
0:18:26 – (Wendy): Misbehaviors are not problems. They are actually symptoms, usually of a broken parenting system and a frazzled nervous system paved by an autocratic upbringing. And misbehaviors are just communication misbehaviors, mistakes. They are the human way. They are how we learn. You literally cannot be a human being without making mistakes and having misbehavior. Misbehavior and mistakes are not the problem.
0:19:08 – (Wendy): What we do with them and what we make of them is the problem. So this isn’t about correcting misbehavior and making our kids be and do better. This is about healing our own nervous system and relationship with ourself. When we do that, we are then able to actually handle the messy moments with grace and dignity and detachment and firm kindness. We’re actually able to vision what we want and every day spend time for how it’s happening.
0:19:48 – (Wendy): Instead of catastrophizing and living in fear that it’s never going to happen. We actually spend time creating plans on how to make what we want come true versus spinning our wheels on how life is not fair. And if our child would just change or our spouse would just support us, then. Then we’re going to be able to not yell or then we’re going to be able to, you know, discipline the way we want to. So it really starts with our nervous system is what I’m realizing after working with myself for so long.
0:20:25 – (Wendy): And honestly, parents, you know, we’ve done in the gosh I’ve designed now I think we’re at close to 100 lessons within our fresh start experience video library. So our frustrated experience is kind of like our full support Netflix for positive parenting, right? Like not only do you get the library and the education and the curriculum, but you also get the coaching and the support. And then we have our foundations course, which is our a to z of positive parenting self study program.
0:20:55 – (Wendy): And what I’ve realized is, you know, I’ve spent a lot of time over the past five, six years working and, or teaching and creating curriculum around mindset and, and how to see things differently and emotional literacy. And then of course, strategy, like strategy strategies. Like parents just want to know, how do you, what do you actually say when one kid has hit the other and you feel like fire is coming out of your head and you want to be effective in your teaching? We cannot hit in this house. Right. Like, what do you actually do?
0:21:26 – (Wendy): That’s the strategy part. But again, what, what I realized is this new layer that is really coming more and more into our programming and my teaching now that I’ve, that I’ve taken a deep dive with Kate around. The nervous system is how the body goes first. The body, which is the nervous system. The nervous system, I should say, is part of the body. It’s a big part of the body. It goes first. So if you’re not working with it first, you’re going to really struggle to change your mindset. You’re going to really struggle to disengage with the thoughts that are not helpful.
0:22:03 – (Wendy): And so we work with our bodies first and then we move forward. And so for me, this all started, this idea of working with my own body started probably about three years ago. I was doing a workshop with my friend Chrissy Powers, who is a licensed marriage family therapist. And she does a lot of embodiment work. So she is, I’m trying to think of the word that she calls it the program, one of the programs.
0:22:33 – (Wendy): She’s a therapist too. She takes clients, but she also does a beautiful healing program where she does nonlinear movement. And I think it’s somatic healing. That’s what the word Chrissy uses. But basically it’s getting in touch with your own body and your immense wisdom that comes from within versus from external. You know, here at fresh start family, especially if you’re a student, that we, we do so much to help our kids grow up with intrinsic motivation, intrinsic knowledge, understanding, like listening to their own heart, their own moral compass, doing the right thing, not because someone’s watching them and if they don’t, they’re going to get hurt and humiliated, but instead, because when you tell the truth and you pay for the candy versus stealing it, it feels right in your body. You feel powerful. You feel like. You feel like you have purpose, you feel like you have value, versus when you steal candy, you’re gonna have a whole bunch of internal, like, alarms going off that are just like, uh oh, shame, guilt, all the things, right? But we want to teach our kids from a really young age, like, how do you tune into your body to make decisions and all the things? So we call that intrinsic motivation versus external motivation.
0:23:51 – (Wendy): And so I was doing this program with. With Chrissy. I was just more curious. She was like, hey, come do this with me. I’m launching this. Let your clients know. And I remember I did it on a Zoom call from my office, the one I’m sitting in right now, converted garage, San Diego, California. And I was on the floor, and it’s just like this very interesting. Not a lot of words, like, kind of soft, tribal music that she plays, and you just kind of move your body and speak with your body, and she guides you through it.
0:24:20 – (Wendy): And all of a sudden, my body started speaking to me in this way around, like, my emergency c section that I had had many moons ago. Right? Like, Stella was born in 2010. No, 2007. Thank God we’re both alive. It was an emergency c section. Torn placenta, massive heavy hemorrhaging. I had an absent birth, which means you’re unconscious. I did not hold my own daughter for, like, 4 hours after birth because I was in such rough shape.
0:24:51 – (Wendy): They forgot about Terry in the hallway during the emergency c section. I mean, it was like, trauma, but we came out of it, and we were just like, I didn’t know anything about trauma back then, and I was just like, okay, let’s thank God this baby’s alive. Like, I’m okay. I guess I can even have kids again. Like. Like, it was just. Again, thank God we’re alive. But I never did anything with that. I never. You know. And.
0:25:16 – (Wendy): And fast forward. I was in a weekend workshop at freedom to be, which is a program we now teach here at fresh Start family, a weekend healing program. And a woman who was good friends with my dear friend Suzy is a healer, and she does this really interesting work where she just puts hands on bodies, and I don’t even know exactly what she does, but it’s amazing. And one day, I was like, hey, I’ve heard so many people say that you’re amazing, and what do you do? Like, I don’t understand what you do. And she goes, oh, I do. You know, this and that, and I do healing, blah, blah, blah, blah.
0:25:53 – (Wendy): And she was like. Like this. I’ll show you. And she goes, she put her hands on my body, and she closes her eyes, and we’re just, like, in the middle of this course room, like, on a break, everyone’s chit chatting, grabbing snacks, and she lowers her hand down to, like, right below my belly button, above my uterus. And she just. I never forget. She opens her eyes super wide, and she was like, whoa, what happened here?
0:26:18 – (Wendy): And I was like, oh, my gosh. I’m like, uh. Like, well, I had a c section. Really? Like. And she goes, that’s. We would work on that. We would start there. And I was just like, huh, that’s interesting. Like, how the heck did she know? I mean, healers are just amazing, right? They’re just gifted with this, like, incredible. If you’ve never met a healer like that, I hope one day you do, because they’re just incredible. I have a few friends like that. But anyway, so that was my first introduction to, like, oh, there’s something in me that I had no idea that I’m holding trauma about.
0:26:55 – (Wendy): And so then fast forward to Chrissy’s class. I’m on the ground doing this class with her, and all of a sudden, my body just starts, like, I start sobbing, and I start getting this message about how, like, my body was like, hey, this wasn’t your fault. This wasn’t your fault. You did everything right. We did everything right. This was just, you know, it just went wrong. But. But I had been holding on to this shame.
0:27:24 – (Wendy): Like, I should have done more. I had a doula. Like, I really wanted to give this. Have this natural birth. Natural. I don’t say that anymore. I wanted to have a traditional vaginal birth, and it didn’t happen. But I had no freaking idea that I was holding shame about that, that I was blaming myself, that I was thinking that my body did something wrong. And in that class, it was just so beautiful to start listening to my body and to start having the emotions no longer be suppressed and trapped, but instead release.
0:28:00 – (Wendy): And actually, within that same hour, the same thing happened around my shoulder. I had two shoulder surgeries after a really bad surfing accident where I torn my labrum. And it was just really fascinating. So that’s when I started to realize that there was stuff within me that was beyond my mind. It was beyond my thoughts. It was actually like I needed to start working on healing my body. And that came often through feeling and being in, like, a safe place where I could just give it attention, so to speak.
0:28:42 – (Wendy): So that kind of opened the portals, so to speak. A few years ago, where I realized, okay, this is interesting. I want to learn more about embodiment work. And I started to go deeper and deeper, and that’s been really cool over the last few years. But then when God put Kate in my life, and again, it was around financial healing, but she is the master of teaching about nervous system relaxation. And so we started to take a deep dive there.
0:29:08 – (Wendy): Um, and so let’s. So I’m going to get into these five points because we’re going to bring this back to misbehavior soon, I promise you. Um, but let’s talk for a second about the nervous system. So here’s what I want you to know. This nervous system is really like a complex network of nerves and this mess, this system in our body sends messages back and forth between the brain and the body. And the brain is what controls all of the body’s functions, right? Like, what you actually do.
0:29:37 – (Wendy): And the body is actually sending messages to the brain, right? So it’s back and forth, back and forth, but the body is actually 80% goes to the brain, and then from the brain, 20%. Like, the point is, the body is controlling, right? We all think, like, our brain is controlling us. Yes, it is. But the body and the knee jerk reactions, which is like, let’s just say the network of nerves, that’s actually driving more of the ship, if that makes sense.
0:30:09 – (Wendy): And so the way I see it is our bodies are so perfectly designed by God, and our nervous system is brilliant. It is designed to keep us safe and keep us alive. And so it is constantly scanning for danger, and it’s constantly scanning for ways to keep us safe. And so when we do things or, you know, go through life in a way where it’s like, okay, we’re alive. We are alive. So we’re going to keep doing things that way.
0:30:41 – (Wendy): That’s usually what I call, like, the paving of the neural pathways. And so our bodies get used to doing things a certain way. And so when you look at the way many of us were raised for 18 plus years, which, let’s just be real, we don’t need to think that we’re knocking our parents. It’s just the reality. Past generations used fear and force and intimidation and humiliation to motivate children to comply. It’s just the way it is. Again, we’re not knocking our parents. It’s just facts.
0:31:15 – (Wendy): That was the motivational system. That was the operating system. Right? Like, nowadays, we have different types of computers. You might have a pc. I have Macs. We use different operating systems. And those of us who have had our eyes opened and embrace this new way of parenting, firm and kind connection based parenting, we have a different operating system. I recently read a book by Dr. Anita Phillips, recommended by my mentor, Kate, called The Guardian Within. And oh, my gosh, was this so freaking eye opening.
0:31:51 – (Wendy): To understand more about the connection between our bodies and our nervous systems, our emotions, and then our thoughts, actions, and expectations for life. Dr. Anita is amazing. I am just obsessed with her. She is, she has this beautiful way of blending faith, the latest discoveries in neurobiology, and her own research. Like, I love a good researcher and her work as the licensed therapist, but she really shows us how to cultivate a state of emotional wellbeing that can strengthen our body and reverse the effects of trauma, calm anxiety and renew our mind, and unleash, really, a new level of spiritual power in our life.
0:32:39 – (Wendy): For me, as I go deeper and deeper into healing work, my faith gets strengthened. It’s also the same as I evolve my faith and I let go of some of the things that I’m like. I do not believe in that, especially when it comes to the oppression of people. It all started with unpacking and unraveling what so much of unhealthy faith circles teach when it comes to corporal punishment. What I was taught when I first had kids, that the way you needed to discipline children if it needed to be godly, but unpacking that and releasing that and really taking a stand against things like that has evolved my faith and strengthened my spiritual life. It has strengthened my belief in God. Like, so it’s interesting, right? Because a lot of people are fearful of healing or fearful of, um, you know, evolving in your faith, but in my, in my opinion, it’s just made me deeper in my faith.
0:33:41 – (Wendy): But back to Anita’s book. Dr. Anita’s book, it’s really, you know, I think God put that book in my hand to complement what I’ve been learning about the nervous system and, and to understand that with the right tools, we can nurture a part of ourself that has been, I think, misunderstood for a long time. And that is our heart, which really sets us free to live the life that our creator intended. And so in my work, that is living a life thriving with the human souls that you created and love more than anything on this planet.
0:34:21 – (Wendy): And it just is so tricky, right? Because so many people were taught that the heart is wicked, it’s dangerous. You can’t trust your heart. But as Dr. Anita proves through her research and her incredible, just everything about who she is. The heart is actually the ultimate source of trust. And so it is tied to our emotions, and our emotions are tied to our nervous system, and all of that is tied to our beliefs and then our behaviors.
0:34:50 – (Wendy): So the nervous system gets conditioned. So over 18 years, for many of us that are in the homes that we grew up in, of watching and being part of an ecosystem called our childhood family dynamic. And what happens is it, you know, the nervous system starts to feel safe with what it knows because we did survive our childhood, right? Like, we are here today. And no matter if you are someone who looks at it and you’re like, I’m.
0:35:16 – (Wendy): My childhood was great. Or maybe you’re like, my childhood was crap. Or maybe you’re, like, in the middle where you’re like, I’m. Air quotes. Fine. My childhood was fine, right? Like, most, many people are. Like, my parents did the best with what they could, and now we have a different set of tools. Wherever you are, your nervous system was like, okay, you survived that. You’re alive. It knows it well.
0:35:37 – (Wendy): Right? Like, when you take the example of, um, conflict. Like, that is one of those painful generational cycles. So not having peaceful conflict resolution in homes or brushing things under a rug or, um, like, just not having healthy repair and making amends, that, to me, is an example of a painful generational cycle that gets passed down and down and down and down. If someone doesn’t step in and say, I am breaking the chain here, right? A lot of people think of painful generational cycles as, like, hitting and harming your kids, right? Like, corporal punishment. Yes. That is. And there is also other painful generational cycles that cause so much suffering in homes and not having the ability to deal with conflict in a healthy way.
0:36:27 – (Wendy): And it is just one of them, right? But what happens is, let’s just say, for example, like, that’s what you see for 18 years. Unhealthy conflict resolution. Like, in our home, in my house, growing up, there would be drop down, drag out fights. My brother, especially five years older, the ultimate power kid, no one knew what to do with him. Ended up, like, the height. Yes, he was, like, a high school star football player, but he also, I’m pretty sure, was, like, on steroids. By the time he was a senior, he became the school bully. Like, everyone knew not to mess with Pete Edwards because he would kill you.
0:37:02 – (Wendy): And. And just. It just was, like, the ultimate example of a power kid gone wrong. He ended up dropping out of high school, I think. I mean, he. Pretty sure he, like, took my parents college money. Somehow he got access to this money that my parents had saved and, like, basically bought this, like, rad jeep and, like, moved away to California. I don’t even. He came back, but, like, how does that even happen? I don’t know, but it was. My parents just tried to do the traditional stuff with him, right? Like, we had spanking when we were young. We had shaming. What’s wrong with you? You need to be better.
0:37:37 – (Wendy): People tried to control him, right? Like, and then I’m looking back, I’m like, oh, there was permissiveness. Like, too. There was permissiveness on top of the autocratic ways, which is what I see play out in so many families. But I would watch this go down. I would watch them have these drop down, drag out fights with him, and then no one would talk about it, or it would be with me, too. Like, once I was a teenager and I was, like, upset about something or, you know, didn’t feel connected and would have these arguments with my parents.
0:38:09 – (Wendy): It would be like, all these things would be said. There’d be, like, literal fights. And then the next morning, it was like, we would just move along. It’d be like, do you want syrup on your pancakes? And then we would just never talk about it. And back then, it was just normal. I was like, oh, this is just annoying. My parents and I are not on the same page, and this is crazy. But now I realize just how unsafe that felt for a child growing up and what a painful generational cycle that is, to not be able to make amends, to have healthy repair, and to be able to solve problems without hurting and harming each other and overpowering and controlling, like, all the things.
0:38:52 – (Wendy): But I witnessed that for 18 years. And so there was this, like, huge sense of danger, right? Like, and so that was kind of the feeling, like there was, like, danger lurking, right? Whether it was someone that’s going to fly off the handle and get really mad or it’s literally my brother is going to go bonkers, and then my dad’s going to go bonkers, and then there’s going to be screaming and yelling.
0:39:18 – (Wendy): You can see how that’s just one example of a painful generational cycle that I witnessed for a long time. So my nervous system started to see that as kind of normal. It’s okay. That’s just kind of what we do. And so, as I got older, the nervous system knew how to do that. It was like an expectation, right? So when it came to conflict, you squashed it fast. You did it with anger. Anger was definitely normalized in our home, right? Like, I was never taught about hurt.
0:39:51 – (Wendy): I was never taught about scared. I was never taught about anything. I wasn’t taught about any emotions. But anger was the one that my nervous system was definitely paved to. Think, when you need to get what you want, that’s what you go for. Like, that’s what you do. And it was combined with catastrophizing and, like, it was all. When you look at it, it’s all to protect yourself and keep you safe. And anger really is a combination of a true. Like, anger is an interesting one. We teach a lot about anger in our freedom to be weekend.
0:40:25 – (Wendy): But anger, just. What you need to know about anger is it’s not bad. Anger is not about emotion, and it often is one that people react out of and do really harmful things with. But anger in itself is not a bad emotion. But for me, watching it be used in a way that, like, got what you want, that’s literally what I went into parenthood with. Right. Like, when things aren’t going your way, you, like, start to freak out. You feel out of control.
0:40:56 – (Wendy): You feel powerless and. And yelling, overpowering, grabbing wrists too tight. Like, that’s what feels safe. So that’s what the nervous system goes to. And so, um, here’s what you need to know about the nervous system is it will choose a comfortable hell over an uncomfortable heaven any day of the week, because, again, it just wants us to stay alive. So, like, a path to a river. So I grew up in Maryland, where we would go play in the river every summer. Still take my kids there. We still play in the river.
0:41:29 – (Wendy): But when you go there, there’s always, like, a path that’s paved. Same path that was there when I was growing up is there. And, you know, it’s kind of like the idea that, you know, people go down there and teenagers, like, drink beer and break bottles. So on that paved path, there might be, like, shards of glass. We find this all the time, but as humans, we feel more comfortable taking that path, even if we’re barefoot. And we know there might be shards of glass that are going to, like, cut our feet up, then we do paving a new path through the woods.
0:42:04 – (Wendy): That is going to require, like, maybe using a sickle to, like, clear away the wild raspberry bushes and the poison ivy to, like, make a path that might actually be shorter, take us straight to the water and be safer. It’s just more comfortable to go. The path where there might be the broken bottles and you might get a cut in your foot or something like, does that make sense? So that’s, we just feel safer following the paved pathway rather, rather than forging our own way quite often. And that’s how the nervous system reacts.
0:42:36 – (Wendy): So I guess since this episode wasn’t designed to be a full episode about the nervous system, I’ll keep it to the basics for now. We are constantly on the lookout for danger and the name of the game when it comes to the nervous system. Whether you are healing in the financial space, like whether it’s your personal finances, your business finances, creating more financial abundance in your life and your legacy, or it’s like misbehavior, which we’re going to chat about next.
0:43:07 – (Wendy): This, the name of the game is to signal safety to your body. You gotta signal safety to your body, because when things feel dangerous, we will often snap back into old habits and paved neuro pathways again. Our nervous system will do what feels safe and what is familiar to us is safe. And it’s very hard to, like, logic your way out of that. And I know when you’re in like a rational state of thinking and you’ve had a full night’s rest, you’re like, well, that’s dumb. I don’t want to yell, threaten, grab a wrist too tight, you know, like, a lot of people end up becoming permissive or people pleasing or giving up on what they want, right? Like, I don’t want to do that. Well, yeah, of course you don’t, but your body is just, it just has these defaults and again, it’s just trying to keep you alive. So. So I think part of the purpose of telling you all this is just to help you bring compassion to your own life.
0:44:20 – (Wendy): It makes sense your body is not broken. You’re not broken. Like, it makes sense your body’s doing a great job of keeping you safe. So, um, anyways, that’s a little sneak into nervous system, the discussion around nervous system. And now let’s talk about the signs that we need. Like, what we need is actually a deeper healing than fixing misbehavior. And once you realize that what you need is to heal in a deeper capacity, that is what actually opens the door for you to be able to handle the misbehavior really well and be able to actually apply the strategies that I teach you.
0:45:08 – (Wendy): Whether it’s compassionate discipline or power struggle, dissolving or modeling what you want. Like your kids, remember, like 99%, um, when it comes to children’s, when it comes to children’s behavior, like, most of it is caught not taught. So the way you are behaving on a day to day basis is going to teach them more than anything else out in the world. All right, so let’s. Let’s do this. Let’s. Let’s dive into these five.
0:45:34 – (Wendy): So, five signs that what you need is, like, to heal deeper than trying to fix behavior. Number one, you did not feel safe as a child to make mistakes. So you’re afraid to allow them now and embrace the whole idea that misbehavior is communication, and mistakes are just opportunities to learn. You fear being rejected by others or judged for being wrong, because there is real danger in that. So this.
0:46:05 – (Wendy): If this rings true to you, then you just have to understand that, again, it makes sense, right? Like, when we made mistakes as children, many of us were just like, it was not safe. You were not safe. Right? To this day, I can feel my nervous system go bonkers when I think I’m going to get in trouble. So I grew up with the paddle. I don’t remember being hit. I don’t actually even remember that paddle landing on my ass.
0:46:38 – (Wendy): I don’t have that memory. I don’t know if I blocked it out or what. I do remember being chased by the paddle and. But it’s like, I just know that there was. There was a feeling of such danger, like, I did. I just did not want to get in trouble, right? And in past generations, that was, like, smart parenting, right? Like, that’s what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to make your kids so freaking scared of the punishment that they air quotes, don’t do it again. But that’s not the way it frickin works. Like, strong willed kids like myself, we find a way to do it because we’re never taught the life skill of why you don’t want to do it, right? Like, so anyways, so back to, like, the whole idea of it being dangerous. I just remember that feeling. And so this past year, I actually had a traffic court appearance where I was like, I really want to show up, tell this judge and the police officer, like, make my case. I dropped Stella off at school the first day of high school.
0:47:38 – (Wendy): It was pouring down rain. Stella jumped out of the car in a. In, like, on the side of the road where she wasn’t supposed to. And of course, as the adult, I allowed that. So I got the ticket, and I honestly was like, I did not understand that this was so illegal. You know, it’s one of those cases where everyone’s doing it, right. So I really just wanted to go let them know. Here’s. Here’s why. Can you.
0:48:01 – (Wendy): Of course, I was going to ask for the $300 ticket to be waived, but I was willing to do volunteer work. I was willing to be one of those parents who stands there with the yellow vest to help other parents understand why they want you to go to a different area, blah, blah, blah. But. And what happened is I showed up to traffic court online, and the cop didn’t show up, so I got off. Hallelujah. But holy smokes, I. And I was mid, uh, like, I was mid in this pro, in the program with Kate where I was doing all this nervous system healing work, and I stopped and was able. And once that judge said, you’re released, you can go now, and it was very fast. Oh, okay. Ended. Pushed end on the zoom.
0:48:39 – (Wendy): And I put my hand to my heart, and it was beating out of my chest. It was beating out of my chest. And in that moment, I was just like, oh, my gosh, I was terrified I was still going to get in trouble. I was terrified I was going to be shamed by the judge. I was just in my nervous system, not my logical brain. My logical brain was like, oh, there’s a good chance that I’m going to make a really great case here, and then I’m going to get off and that I’m going to make a change in this community, right? Like, that’s my logical brain.
0:49:12 – (Wendy): My nervous system was like, oh, no, I’m going to get in trouble. I’m going to get humiliated. This is all going to not going to be. It was catastrophizing. Right? And so after that, I did, you know, I was able to, like, do one of my nervous system heat settling techniques, and I felt so much better. Had a good cry. But that starts to play into, like, when you see your child misbehave and it feels like the biggest problem on the planet, that they keep spilling their milk and they’re not listening, they’re not putting the lid on. Right? Like, since we did not feel safe as a child to make mistakes, we are so afraid to allow them because it just triggers this nervous system response of danger.
0:49:59 – (Wendy): Does that make sense? So that’s that. Number two, you feel like your nervous system is on fire when your child misbehaves in certain ways. So sibling conflict, back talk, aggressive misbehavior, make your blood boil, and you feel an immense amount of fear around what you’re capable of, which is often just behavior that mimics what was done to you growing up. Does that sound familiar? So that feeling of, like, oh, my God, I’m going to explode, right? Like, that feeling where you’re, like, your hand feels like it’s not your hand anymore and it’s moving towards your child and their wrist, and you’re like, oh, my God, I’m going to grab this wrist or I’m going to. Like, I remember putting Stella down on the knotty spot that some stupid book.
0:50:51 – (Wendy): I think it was like, the nanny. Does anyone remember for that show, the nanny show, and taught us to put him on the naughty spot? And I just remember putting her down so hard. And you know that it’s, like, so sad when I talk about this, but I want you guys to hear this because it’s so important. You know, when you fall on, like, ice skating and you fall on your butt and it’s, like, the worst pain when it, like, it just hurts, you know? And I just think of my little girl at three years old and me, like, slamming her on that naughty spot.
0:51:25 – (Wendy): Just the suffering that that created for her, right? And, like, it just didn’t need to be like that, right? So. But that was a nervous system response. It was like, the blood starts to boil, and you’re, like, trying so hard to be compassionate, but you end up behaving in this way that, like, is rough or aggressive yourself when it’s aggressive behavior that’s driving you insane. Right? Like, again, from a logical perspective, it makes no sense, but from a nervous system, it does.
0:51:59 – (Wendy): So the nervous system is remembering the danger associated with those things of being imperfect. And really what’s happening is we’re experiencing cognitive dissonance in the moment. So, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. So, like, your logical brain is like, it’s just milk, Wendy. It’s just spilled milk. Or, she’s just a kid.
0:52:29 – (Wendy): Like, she. She’s pushing because she doesn’t know how to communicate yet, right? Like, you’re learning these things, but then you have this other belief system that’s more your nervous system that’s been trained and conditioned. This is not okay. This is a sinful child. She’s disobedient. If you let her get away with this, then you’re a bad parent. Like, you’re doing something wrong. It’s just this. Like, one of the amazing people I work with in Kate’s program.
0:52:57 – (Wendy): Her name’s Sarah. She speaks of this as the double bind. And what trauma physiology shows us is that this is a trauma response. Like, that example of me slamming Stella down on the stairs and telling her to stay there and she can’t act like that is basically when we feel stuck and there’s no way out. Right. And it can just feel like the walls are caving in on you. And one of the best ways to get out of that and that, again, I learned in Kate’s program when it comes to more of the physiology and working with our own double binds is to change it.
0:53:36 – (Wendy): And I was already doing this with my clients, but to change it to. And so both can exist and both can be true. I’ve learned, like, so it looks like this. I’ve learned so much about how this child is just learning to communicate. She’s a kinesthetic child. She learns through doing. That’s how a lot of strong willed kids learn. And I’m really triggered here. I’m really scared that if anyone, if she keeps behaving like this, that people are going to judge me for being a bad parent.
0:54:10 – (Wendy): It’s the both can exist and both can. True. Beaches. True. Right. But, like, learning how to do that is a way of working to settle and relax your nervous system. And from that place, then you can effectively teach. Okay, so, number three, you once craved compassion and grace, but received criticism and shame. So now you have become your own best self critic, which has only made you even better at being really hard on your kids.
0:54:38 – (Wendy): So I will often teach my students that, like, that inner critic voice, that, again, many people are very blind to. They don’t even realize how much they beat themselves up in the beginning when they find me and start inside the fresh start experience. But really, like, that, again, is just conditioning. And over the years, 18 years, let’s just call it a quarter of your life. I always want to live to 100, so it’s a little less than a quarter, but a quarter of your life.
0:55:07 – (Wendy): You have this message every time you make a mistake. What’s wrong with you? I won’t let you be mean. Why are you so difficult? You should be ashamed of yourself. That was, like, the statement in our house. I’m pretty sure my mom picked it up in catholic school. Like, she used to tell me of how the nuns would handle her. She said there was great nuns, and then there was, like, really gnarly nuns, and the way the nuns spoke to her, I’m pretty sure. And I think it’s probably the way her mom spoke to her, too, my grandma.
0:55:38 – (Wendy): But that just kept getting passed down to me. And so I just. That was, like, the clear statement, you should be ashamed of yourself. My mom still says it to this day. She’ll say it to the dog. She’ll say it to my dad when he doesn’t put the trash can liner in. Like it’s just such a thick habit for her. But it’s the, it’s like the belief system that if you feel bad about yourself, then you will behave better tomorrow.
0:56:00 – (Wendy): Again, not the way it works. Social researchers like Brene Brown has proven it. Or maybe when you were a kid, you got the message and you made a mistake. Is I’m so sick and tired of you thinking the world revolves around you. Or maybe you were told you’re entitled and I’m so sick of it. Or you are mean to your sister. No one’s going to like you if you act like this. You’re rotten to your core. That was like from a Disney movie.
0:56:28 – (Wendy): Did anyone see the. What’s the movie where the kids of. The kids of the bad guys in Disney? I’m trying to think. I’m not gonna be able to remember it right now, but I think. Rotten to your core. Stella used to love that movie when she was like ten years old. It’s not the Incredibles. It’s like all the kids of like the bad guys. Like I’m pretty sure Ursula’s kid is in there. And anyways, hi, digress. Rotten to your core.
0:57:00 – (Wendy): And so then you add on the hurtful teachings of so many, what I call unhealthy christian circles who take the concept of original sin, which is just really the fact that we all fall short of the glory in God, but they turn it into you deserve death. Then you are a pitiful, selfish, self serving human. Right, right. Like at our old church. I just remember how often the message was drilled in and it was drilled in from a very young age of like, you don’t deserve anything.
0:57:32 – (Wendy): So, you know what I mean? Like it was just so intense. So you add that on top of all this and it’s like, as human beings we have such an immense need for belonging and unconditional love. That’s one of the core beliefs that I teach about in module one of the foundations course that is basic positive psychology. The work of Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs is like, we all have these needs. And so when we’re constantly, like, the need to feel loved is so basic, but. And the need to belong. But when you are given these messages, it’s just becomes so easy to criticize yourself and feel like you don’t belong, feel like you are not loved, and then you just start saying it to yourself.
0:58:15 – (Wendy): Like, I remember probably, like, five years ago, I walked by Taryn’s bedroom one night when he was sleeping. He had gone to sleep. Bedtime was a little intense that night, and I had forgotten to tell him to put his mouth tape on, which we were trying to end his mouth breathing habit at the time to help him breathe better and not sleepwalk. He had, like, a really intense season of sleepwalking. He still does sleepwalk, which was inherited by me.
0:58:41 – (Wendy): But anyways, I walked by and I saw that I had forgotten to put his mouth tape on. And I said aloud that day to myself, oh, my God, you are literally the worst mother on the planet. I was just like, oh, my gosh, that’s intense, right? By that time, I had such strong awareness that I was like, oh, isn’t that interesting? So here’s what you need to know about that. Like, you just want to know that if this is a sign that, like, the reason why you’re so hard on your kids is usually because you’re so hard on yourself, right?
0:59:14 – (Wendy): So that’s just a fact. That’s why so many people who have a strong will themselves and never learn to really love themselves, they are so hard on their strong willed kids, because every time they see their strong willed child either go hard at what they want or fight for what they want or won’t take no for an answer, or maybe have an aggressive tendency here and there. They’re literally looking in the mirror and they’re hating themselves, but they have no awareness around it. So they then are really just really, like, intense with their kid because that’s what they do to themselves, too.
0:59:52 – (Wendy): So we teach more about that in freedom to be, but that’s just such an important element of this. Okay, number four, you were hurt when you made a mistake and told that the pain put on you, whether it was physical or emotional, was your fault, and also because your parents loved you all at the same time. But your intuition always told you how twisted that logic was. So now your brain literally freezes when you need to discipline because you’re so confused about what you air quotes should do.
1:00:24 – (Wendy): So this, again, is the double bind that cognitive dissonance is like. And it’s just. It’s just whack all over the place, but it’s. It’s too tough for a child to understand and frankly, impossible, because they shouldn’t have to. There is, like, it is not actual truth that pain and learning needs to be, like, associated. That love and pain is, like, this thing that goes together. False, false, I will declare falsehood on that till the day that I die.
1:00:58 – (Wendy): It’s just false, right? Like, it’s just. We did not need to be hurt, harmed and humiliated because our parents loved us. And you don’t need to hurt, harm and humiliate your child in order to be a very loving, parent, firm kind of connection based strategies to teach and redirect your children’s misbehavior will do the trick. So. But our, but when we have this going on, our nervous system gets conditioned over time to be on high alert.
1:01:32 – (Wendy): Mistakes mean pain and suffering. Quick, act fast, hide, run, yell, fix, stop, slap, control, anything to stop this mistake. Because what’s going on and, like, what’s happening is what’s going to happen is unbearable if you don’t intervene, like, fast. It is. The nervous system is like, it’s keeping you alive, right? So when you see your child spill the milk or push their brother, you, you act so fast because, again, you’ve just been conditioned that it’s like, this is not good. Like, there is, there, there’s going to be pain, there’s going to be suffering. And it’s like a catastrophizing response. Does that make sense?
1:02:13 – (Wendy): Okay, last one is love was always conditional. Conditional in your home growing up. So if you behaved well, you were loved well, you get hugs, you get kisses, you get praise, you’re such a good girl. But if you messed up, you were shunned, punished, shamed. So now when your child is being childish, because let me tell you, that’s part of being human, you grow up, you’re trying to figure out how to meet your own needs, but also live in a world where you have to operate in a family unit and a school system. Like, all the things, right? But yeah, your child’s going to be selfish at times, but what happens when they are selfish or childish?
1:02:57 – (Wendy): Taryn, you have late start. Right? Okay, cool. When they are childish, you find it incredibly hard to love them in the hard moments, which creates division in your relationship. And this one, honestly, parents, is the one that I now realize, drove a lot of us into perfectionist tendencies because it quite literally was not safe to be imperfect. There was danger if you were imperfect, whether that was in emotional and spiritual humiliation. I’m so disappointed in you.
1:03:38 – (Wendy): Or it was in physical humiliation and pain, right? Like, now you’re going to get hit. Now you’re going to get harmed, and I’m going to harm you because I love you, like, so twisted. But as a child, it was just so painful to, like, to be shunned and punished and shamed. So, so many of us, like, just started realizing it was easier to claw our way to achievements to avoid any kind of pain, physically, emotionally, you know, or spiritually.
1:04:10 – (Wendy): There was a beautiful quote from the holistic psychologist. Do you guys follow her at all? Let’s see if I can find it. It. You’re not leaving till later, right? Yeah. Okay. I’ll be done in ten minutes. She’s amazing. But she had a post that caught my eye the other day and says, I wish more people talked about how the gifted and talented child endlessly trying to please is the adult with an autoimmune disease.
1:07:24 – (Wendy): And I just found that so interesting because for someone with an autoimmune disease, I now have Hashimoto’s. I’ve had it for about five years. I’ve been spending the last a few year years, but especially the last six months just on a healing journey to really, like, use nutrition and detoxifying my house in all capacities to heal my hashimoto’s. But a lot of it, people say when it comes to hashimoto’s, is stress.
1:07:52 – (Wendy): And when you are like an air quotes type a overachiever or, like, really go for what you want or a perfectionist, then it can get to a place where it’s no longer healthy. It’s actually like driving you into the ground. Right? And that’s been one of the things that actually caused me to step in to this program with Kate Northrup to get the healing that I needed, because I realized that my body was like, Wendy, you’ve got to slow down and stop clawing at just this deep need to belong, almost. But it was coming out in just perfectionism and working myself to the bone.
1:08:34 – (Wendy): And so perfectionism, I think, is something so many of my students struggle with. But it was a way to feel loved when it was just easier to claw at the perfection than it was to actually show that you made a mistake. That’s why so many kids end up hiding their mistakes. We have a lot of families. When they come into our program, they struggle to flip the discipline model because kids will resist the compassionate discipline in the beginning because they’re so used to the punishment model that they will avoid any type of discipline because they’re terrified of it. They just don’t want to be corrected. So it’s easier to avoid it or deny the misbehavior because they’re associating with pain coming.
1:09:27 – (Wendy): So, anyways, so that idea that, yes, we really do get to raise our kids now, in a way where we can unconditionally love them and show them that they belong, that there’s nothing wrong with them, that they are seen and admired, that they make sense, that they have emotions, they’re just trying to get their needs met. And at the same time, we’re going to set firm boundaries. We’re going to redirect misbehavior. We’re going to teach important life lessons. We’re going to teach them how to clean up mistakes in a way that they will actually change their behavior tomorrow. Like, thank God we don’t need to have this model anymore, that being good gets you loved. Being bad doesn’t. Right? And so many of us are healing from that. But just, again, another sign that it’s not the misbehavior that is this giant problem. It’s just the fact that we really struggle with those times when, like, is it okay to unconditionally love a child who has smacked his sister?
1:10:29 – (Wendy): Yeah, it is. And I’ll teach you how. All right, you guys. Well, gosh, what. What a beautiful discussion. In the end, your child’s misbehavior is not the problem, but instead symptoms and something bigger that is calling you into healing. Your child’s misbehavior is just communication. Your child’s misbehavior is just an invitation to teach. And your child’s misbehavior is just another chance for you to serve and support a human soul who deserves dignity.
1:10:58 – (Wendy): But it’s not a problem. It’s not the problem. Okay. Just like your emotions are not a problem. Anger, scared, hurt, sadness, they are not a problem. Your fear is not a problem. On the other side is bravery. Your anger is not a problem when processed in a healthy way and resource for good. It’s where justice is born and where you can set a really firm, kind boundary with care, sadness, and hurt. They aren’t a problem either. They just show how big your heart is and how much you care.
1:11:29 – (Wendy): The problem is a frazzled nervous system that needs care and healing. And the problem is a disconnection with yourself where you’ve become closed off to what’s really happening inside of you. So it becomes easier to blame others or blame yourself and react out of anger or shut down with hopelessness when challenges come your way. And I’m here to tell you that you can change. So next week, I’m going to be airing an episode with my mentor, Kate Northrup, about just more details about like what? My full journey with healing my nervous system specifically around my financial health, in my business and my personal life.
1:12:10 – (Wendy): And I want you guys to tune in because we’re just going to continue this nervous system regulation and healing conversation. But you’re going to get a glimpse into how it has been intertwined with financial healing, which I know so many of you are actually really yearning for, too. I meet so many people who, when I invite them into my program, which they want to do so bad, they say to me, I can’t afford it.
1:12:36 – (Wendy): And it doesn’t matter if it’s a $59 program or a $5,000 program, it’s often the same response of I can’t afford it or my husband doesn’t see the value in it. And I can just see that there’s suffering on the financial part of their life, they’re suffering on the parenting part. And as you’ll hear me talk about in next week’s episode, it’s just amazing to me how much interconnectedness there is between financial health and family like, thriving health.
1:13:08 – (Wendy): And so I want you to tune in. And I just think, again, it’s really fascinating how God has interweaved all of this. This month we are studying compassionate discipline inside of our frustrated experience. And so we have a lot of discussion going on there around the nervous system. But bottom line, it’s nervous system healing and regulation work. And I hope this episode has blessed you. Please join me next week for that episode with Kate that’s going to come out. And then also, Kate is actually teaching a workshop soon and it’s going to be pretty incredible. I’m going to be there for all three days, and I just can’t get enough of Kate. I’m still knee deep in her program, and I also will attend her free workshops because they’re that good. Not kidding. They are that good.
1:13:51 – (Wendy): So if you want to register and learn more about that, you can just send me a DM on Instagram. I’m a Wendy with the word relax. Or you can head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/relax. To learn more about Kate’s free workshop that she’s teaching that I highly recommend you pop into. All right, families. Well, thanks for being here, and I will see you next week for another episode of the Fresh Start Family show.
