Join Wendy on a special feature episode with inspiring Fresh Start Family student & podcast host Bilyana Ivanova – a mom of three fantastic girls, who’s on a mission to be the best parent and mentor she can be, helping ALL kids unlock their full potential.
This episode features an interview Bily hosted with Wendy as the guest, where they discuss the power of positive parenting and its long-term effects on kids & families.
Wendy shares her personal journey and the benefits she has observed in her own teenagers, as well as the long term effects it has on us as parents as well. Billy & Wendy dive deep into the essence of positive parenting, exploring how it sets itself apart from the traditional model most of us grew up with and we unravel the intricacies of this transformative approach that removes fear, force, bribery and rewards as our main tools in influencing children’s behavior.
Discover how positive parenting fosters a strong parent-child connection, empowers children to make great choices, and prepares them to navigate the challenges of the real world.
Get ready for an enlightening conversation that transcends parenting norms and sets the state for a fresh perspective. Let’s create an environment where both parents and children thrive.
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Episode Highlights:
- Traditional parenting often relies on external controls, while positive parenting emphasizes relationship building and intrinsic motivation.
- Encouragement, rather than praise, inspires children to develop a strong sense of self-capability and internal validation.
- Logical consequences and compassionate discipline replace punitive measures, leading to stronger connections and better problem-solving skills.
- A safe and trusting home environment fosters open communication between teenagers and their parents, reducing rebellious behavior.
Resources Mentioned:
Find Billy on Instagram
http://www.unlockyourchildsfullpotential.com/
Unlock Your Child’s Full Potential Podcast
Apply for the Become a Parenting Coach Full Mastery Program
Head HERE for the Quick Start Learning Bundle to end power struggles!
Not able to listen or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!
[TRANSCRIPT]
0:04:07 – (Billy): Hey there, everyone. I’m super excited to have Wendy Snyder, a positive parenting educator and a family life coach, on the podcast today. Wendy, you’re the one who introduced me to positive parenting six years ago, and honestly, you’ve been a game changer in my parenting journey. I’m thrilled to have you here.
0:04:32 – (Wendy): Billy, thank you so much for having me. You are so special to me and mean so much to me, and I’m just really grateful and honored to be here with you today.
0:04:43 – (Billy): I really want to talk about the long term effect of positive parenting and hear your perspective as a mom of teenagers who grew up with these teachings. But I feel I need to take a quick step back first and talk about the fundamental pure of positive parenting and how it sets itself apart from the traditional parenting model most of us grew up with. Can we talk a little bit about that?
0:05:08 – (Wendy): Absolutely. And remind me now, Billy, how old are your girls right now?
0:05:13 – (Billy): They’re 10, 8 and 5.
0:05:16 – (Wendy): Ten, eight and five. Okay, perfect. So, yeah, it really is quite a difference. The model that so many of us are leaning on and really using to raise our human souls right, it really is quite different than the model that was prevalent decades and decades ago. And really, the biggest difference, I think, is just that we, when we practice this work, we are really heavily invested and relying on relationship. We always say, rules plus relationship equals respect, and rules minus relationship equals rebellion.
0:05:54 – (Wendy): And so the true power of this work, because we do remove the fear, force, intimidation. We’re not perfect. None of us are perfect by any means. Right? Like, even someone who’s been teaching this stuff for ten years. I’m far from perfect, so. But we do try. We believe deeply in the model that removes fear, force and bribery and rewards, too, as like, our main influential tools, and we call those external controls. So the traditional model really relied on external controls where the parent will often come in and overpower or air quotes, make a child behave, and that could come out through threats or yelling or punishment.
0:06:39 – (Wendy): Right. And the model worked well, obviously, when the parent was bigger, had more power to hold over a child. But then as time went on, you could see that that model became less and less effective, especially once kids hit the teenage years and really started, especially the strong willed ones started to revolt against that overpowering way of life. And so, you know, over the last 50, 60, 70 years, there’s been some incredible psychologists who have done just beautiful work to help us understand what’s actually going on inside of the minds of human beings that causes us all, whether it’s our kids or ourselves, because, you know, as, as humans, as adults, we misbehave sometimes, too, what causes us to have great behavior and what causes us to have misbehavior.
0:07:31 – (Wendy): And so nowadays, those of us who kind of air quote, subscribe to this model, we really are looking to be true influential, like true power influencing of our kids instead of falling into that fear force external control model. Does that do a good job of, like, telling the difference between this model and the old model? Yeah, but like, the old. Yeah, the old model is just basically like, you know, my way or the highway. We call it autocratic parenting, where it’s like, you do what I say no matter what, you respect authority no matter what.
0:08:08 – (Wendy): And you don’t question authority. And if you do question authority, then there will be a price to pay. And then, you know, then there’s, like, what we do now, which is more democratic parenting, which is like, we use teamwork within the home. We use, like, we share the, we actually share the power with our children. Everyone pitches in, everyone’s responsible for contributing to peace in the home. We really come at it from like, an empowered angle with our children to help them have intrinsic control.
0:08:37 – (Wendy): So they keep their hands to themselves in an argument with their sister because they want to, and it feels good to have that self control versus they’re scared they’re going to get their iPad taken away.
0:08:50 – (Billy): Yeah, that’s awesome. I hear a lot of parents worrying about giving choices to their kids and letting them think that the world revolves around them, and they’re concerned about the needs for their kids to understand how the real world works. What’s your take on that?
0:09:10 – (Wendy): Yeah, the real world. Oh, my goodness. Yes, the real world. Well, I believe the real world is actually full of choices. You know, I think people who fall into the thinking that it’s not full of choices, in my opinion, often live in, like, a very blame centric life or a victim mindset place where they believe they don’t have choices. They believe that they’re not actually crafting their life. They believe that everything that happens to them wasn’t because of their choices, it was because of somebody else or they have no power. Like, that’s often where I find people are really challenging that.
0:09:53 – (Wendy): And I get it. I was there once, too. But now I realize that life is one big choice, right? Like, especially for those of us who live in, you know, countries that have a democratic model. We are filled with choices, and it really makes a difference with how life rolls out, whether it’s your career, your marriage, your friendships, your faith walk, the way you raise your children, depending on the choices you make in the world. So with that said, what I found is the children who are actually empowered in the home and given choices, they actually demand it less out in the world, and that’s because their power bucket is filled up. So.
0:10:36 – (Wendy): And remind me, Billy, is one of, is one of your kids strong willed at all or are they all. I mean, all kids go through power surge stages of life, but do, are any of them, like, strong, strong willed?
0:10:45 – (Billy): Yeah, I’ve been blessed with two of those. Like, my oldest one is the one because of whom I looked for help. Then I have have a really kind hearted, quiet and shy second girl. And then, wow, the third one is like, the most strong willed of them all. So is that Wendy? Yeah, that’s Wendy.
0:11:14 – (Wendy): It’s so amazing.
0:11:15 – (Billy): You’re teaching me a lot. So I’ve grown a lot through the process. And I remember posting in your private Facebook group about my early wins and feeling on top of the world. Boy, let’s be real. That was just the beginning of the journey, and it’s filled with ups and downs and I’ve had doubts. Am I doing the right thing? Like, are these methods truly the long term solution? So how do we navigate these ups and downs for the people out there or else is struggling?
0:11:55 – (Wendy): It’s so great that you say that, because it is true. It is like, you know, you’re a normal, healthy parent if you have those moments of doubt, right? Like, nobody is confident all the time. And I think especially for those of us who were, if possibly we were raised with the autocratic model where if we made a mistake, there was a price to pay. Like, you were going to get in trouble. You were going to get lectured, you were going to get, like, shame was just something that was common, right? Like, you got the message as a kid is like, what’s wrong with you?
0:12:28 – (Wendy): What were you thinking? Why are you being mean? I won’t let you act like that. Like, instead of, like, now we use the language of like, hey, you made a mistake, and of course you’ll be held responsible, and I’ll teach you the life skill that you’re missing so tomorrow you can make a different choice. But there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a normal kid, right? But for those of us who were raised with that, as we grow older, and then you’re faced with this big decision of, like, now I have a human soul to raise, and you start to follow a way that feels more in line with your heart, but then you have, like, a lot of resistance in the world because this is not the common parenting model.
0:13:08 – (Wendy): Like, I’m watching my kids now at 13 and 16. I don’t know if it’s the same for you where you live, but we are the unicorns in the group. Like, we know. Like, most of the time, parents are using a traditional punishment model. Most of the time, there’s a lot of bribery and rewards. Those are the four that always go together. Fear, force, and then bribery and rewards. Most of the time, parents are highly disconnected by the time their kids become teenagers. Most of the time, like, kids in our area have iPhones and, like, access to all these apps on phones from the age of, like, eight.
0:13:44 – (Wendy): These are all examples of, like, how we just live, like, a very different life. And so you. You have to remember that, like, it makes sense why you doubt yourself, because the world is telling you just. Just like so many people told me when Stella was three. Just hit her. Just fake her, like. Like, make sure she knows who’s boss. Like, what are you doing? Right? Like, you need more control. You need to get control of this kid. And that came in, like, many different ways.
0:14:15 – (Wendy): Books and neighbors and bosses and friends, right? So then you start second guessing yourself, and you’re like, am I drinking some kool aid here? Because a lot of. Because it’s a good question to ask, right? To make sure you’re doing what feels in line with you. But also, there’s a fear of making a mistake, because, again, we were, like, our nervous system was conditioned to fear a mistake. So it’s like, if we make the wrong choice here, then we’re going to.
0:14:45 – (Billy): Mess up my kid, right?
0:14:48 – (Wendy): But there’s going to be a big price to pay. And really, actually, you know, everyone’s doing their best to raise their human souls, and everyone’s going to leave marks on their kids, right? Like, as far as emotionally and or physically, but nobody gets out of parenthood without leaving imprints on our kids, right? Like, it’s just human work. And so none of us are going to be perfect. And the reality is, as you, as you decide, hey, and really, that’s what it comes down to with this work. And this is where I find there’s parents that really find success, and then there’s parents that really struggle and maybe quit and give up and just go back to the classic model and then have major regret later in life.
0:15:32 – (Wendy): But it’s the parents who are willing to stick with it and realize that they don’t have all the answers. They’re not going to be perfect, but they fully believe that you don’t need to make a child feel worse in order to make them behave better. And that’s what a lot of us doubt in those harsh moments, right? Like, I can remember this one time with Taryn when my little guy, he made a big mistake, and I sent him to grandma’s house for, like, three days. Thank God she lives really close because I needed a really long time to calm myself down because I remember asking myself, is this a situation where I should just spank this kid? Like, is this, that going to be what’s going to make this kid, this long term, great human being? And thank God I had the support system and the tool to pause, to really, like, pray and reflect.
0:16:25 – (Wendy): And I came back and I was like, heck, no, it’s not what I believe. And so. And we were able to follow through with compassionate discipline. And that was ten years ago now. And he’s never honestly touched another kid in his life. He’s my more mellow kid. But. But to be able to really make the decision is, I don’t believe in that model. Like, and then you’re going to have the moments of doubt, but then you get a good night’s rest.
0:16:53 – (Wendy): You wake up, you have a fresh cup of coffee, and you’re like, everything’s fine. It’s just last night was really intense, and now we just need to start again. It got really messy. I lost my way a little bit. I started to doubt, but now I’m going to begin again, because this is what I believe in. I believe that connection is the ticket. And when your kids are highly connected to you and they trust you and they truly respect you, not because they’re scared of you, but because they really look up to you, it feels like a million bucks.
0:17:26 – (Billy): You know what? I struggle still with the respect part, because we have a deep connection with all of them. But my oldest one is trying to test my limits right now. She’s trying some behaviors that really trigger me and being disrespectful. And I. For example, my mom is in the room, and she’s like, you’re gonna leave her talk to you like this? And I’m like, okay, am I missing something? You know? Because she will feel bad after that. But she still keeps talking to me in a way that’s not appropriate from time to time. That’s not all the time. But still, there are those situations where I wonder, am I doing the right thing?
0:18:12 – (Wendy): Oh, okay. Let’s break this down for Billy for a second. Billy, because this is so good. Okay, so tell me if. If you can resonate with this at all. But there’s handling of misbehavior and teaching a life skill, right? That. That’s what we do as parents. So, in that situation, something is happening for your daughter that’s causing her. Like, it’s an emotion that she’s not fully processing, or it’s that she just doesn’t understand how to yet. Right. Because in our culture, like, emotional literacy is not the norm. Like, we.
0:18:46 – (Wendy): Those families like us who are doing it, it is. We are really bucking against the system and teaching this to them. But either she has an emotion that she’s trying to like, whether it’s hurt or that you won’t let her have an iPhone, or it’s, you know, something she’s processing and she’s learning to communicate what she wants, ask for what she wants, express her emotions in a healthy way, in a way that respects herself and others. Right. And you will continue to teach her how to do that and never give up on her. So, there’s that task, which is just parenting and how we teach here, and I’m sure you spread on your podcast, too, but then you add someone watching you, and all of a sudden, it is. That’s where the trigger actually comes from, in my opinion, and with so many of my students. So I’ll give you an example. I remember Stella and Taryn. So mine are three years apart. They’re 13 and 16 now, but they were. We were in a field. We used to go to our farmer’s field before he moved. And we used to pick our own vegetables and our own flowers.
0:19:50 – (Wendy): It was my happy time, and they were probably five and eight at the time. And I would go around and I was. I would create these beautiful bouquets of sunflowers, and they were. They would. My kids have just always been the kids that fight. Like, I got two kids that have a lot of sibling conflict. Like, I have neighbors who little, like, they have three girls. They seem to get along so well. My kids have just always been.
0:20:16 – (Wendy): They just argue. They just bicker. It’s gotten a lot better now, but with, I think, a strong willed child, Stella, and then this easygoing kid, but he won’t let anyone step on him. Easygoing. It’s just been a lot. So that day I’m picking my flowers and they start, like, bickering. And at the time, I remember they were playing with sticks or something. And I’m over here picking my flowers, and I’m just doing my work, right? I’m processing the emotions.
0:20:45 – (Wendy): I’m like, we can do this. I can stay calm. I can stay detached, because fighting has always been a big trigger for me. And also, I was always scared someone was going to get hurt. But I. I’m over here. I’m doing my work. I’m like, I can stay detached. And our big thing at fresh start family is we want to teach you how to teach your kids how to fight, because thinking that you’re going to have kids that never fight is like, good luck.
0:21:09 – (Wendy): But teaching them how to fight, how to disagree, how to have differences of opinions in a way that is respectful, that doesn’t cause harm, that is the journey. So I’m picking my flowers and I’m like, I’m going to give them a moment. I’m going to let them work this out. And I’m just trying to, like, I believe in them. They’re capable. We’ve talked about this, and if I need to go over there and do a little peaceful conflict resolution or a win win, I will.
0:21:37 – (Wendy): And I’m just picking my flowers. And then all of a sudden, I glance over and I see that there’s this couple, this older couple that must have lived in, like, a back cabin. And they had come to the edge of the field and they were watching me. They were. And they had their arms crossed and they were watching the kids. And I. And I tell you, I remember it like the. Like it was yesterday. I snapped. And I was like.
0:22:01 – (Wendy): And I went. And I probably. I don’t remember exactly, but I must have grabbed their arm, and I was like, get in the car now. And I got them in the car, and I was like, I’m so sick and tired of you guys always fighting. And I lectured on, and I yelled at them. And then I had to take some Stella to drum lessons. She’s a drummer. And I basically, like, kicked her out of the car. And I was like, get out of the car now. I was so enraged.
0:22:26 – (Wendy): And I just look back at that story and thank God. This work gives us the tools to make amends with our kids, to take responsibility, to leave a new imprint on their brain, because, holy smokes, to leave a big imprint on their brain. And it was a big mistake that day, the way I handled it. But as we do in this work, we used it as data, we used it as learning. And I just know that it was actually the judgment or the fear of judgment that was the trigger.
0:22:55 – (Wendy): It wasn’t actually me doubting myself that I was doing a great job mentoring these kids. It was then the fear of judgment or the fear of criticism that then threw me into this. Like, oh, no, I’m going to, like, need to respond like that. So I don’t know if that resonates with you at all, but that’s often it does. So when our moms or dads are watching, that’s a classic time that causes us to doubt ourselves, where if she wasn’t watching, I bet you you would have been a little bit more likely just to be like, hey, hey, what’s going on here?
0:23:34 – (Wendy): Like, I can see you’re upset, and I’d like you to try that again. Like, let’s. We can have a conversation where we respect each. You would have just been, like, a little bit more possibly calmer, shoulders relaxed and confident, knowing that you have the ability to redirect a ten year old who is speaking in a way that you would like her to change the next time she’s upset with you.
0:23:58 – (Billy): Yeah, that’s true. And I also find a lot of us may handle the moment, like, keep their calm and handle the situation, but forget the calm teaching afterwards. Like, we found ourselves stuck in the same patterns because we don’t take the time to address the situation. And just any tips on ensuring how to not miss these valuable teaching moments in the midst of our hectic schedules? Because it just gets forgotten.
0:24:31 – (Billy): This part.
0:24:32 – (Wendy): Yeah. Okay. Well, yes, we’re human, and you’re right. I do see that this is a hang up that holds people back from fully being successful with this work. And even me. Right? Like, who is 100% fluent. Been doing this for 13 years. Right now. I have something on my list to do. I think it. I think it was. Yeah, I kind of snapped at Stella a little bit the other night at the dinner table when she was, like, kind of had a tone with her brother.
0:24:59 – (Wendy): And I realized later that I was actually just really triggered in that moment, because it reminded me of, like, I was the little sister. I had an older brother that was five years older, and he always kind of, you know, air quotes mean to me. And I realized afterwards that I had overreacted and spoken to her in a way that was, like, a little aggressive. So even I still need to go back and teach. And redo. Redos are a little bit different than teaching or logical consequences, but it’s all the same idea, and it’s. It’s really never too late.
0:25:29 – (Wendy): So I think I’m, like, seven days out now. But tonight, this has inspired me to make sure I have that conversation with her before bed and just say, hey, remember last week when I, like, snapped at you a little bit at the table? This is what I realized. And so, you know, I just wanted to say, I want to do that different next time. And I want to be able to just take a deep breath and know what’s going on for me instead of, like, talk to you like that. So just know that it’s never too late. You can. You can do it half hour, you can do it at bedtime, you can do it next weekend, or you can do it two months from now. The point is, but you really want to make sure you do it.
0:26:04 – (Wendy): So when it comes to remembering to teach you, I think a lot of times I remember, Billy, tell me if I’m wrong, but I want to say when you shared with me years ago, when you had first written to me that beautiful note of just how much this work had changed your life and created this relationship with your daughters, I remember you saying something like, I carry around this little notebook or something in my bag, and I look at it, and I want to say, you said, like, whether it’s we’re at the train or the bus stop or, like, I don’t know, but I just reference it.
0:26:42 – (Wendy): You did say that. Okay.
0:26:43 – (Billy): Yeah, I had one of those. It’s a great idea. Unfortunately, I lost it, and I never took the time to write another one. I have it on my computer right now, but it’s not the same. I think having a physical notebook by your side is just a great way, a support system that I love.
0:27:07 – (Wendy): Baze, you can jot it in your notes app or actually put in a calendar reminder that at bedtime tonight, you get a reminder, like, a little alarm goes off on your iPhone that says, like, hey, just don’t forget to teach that life lesson about how to express yourself when you feel hurt, right? Like, say you have a kid that has revenge misbehavior today and he throws a lego at you, or, you know, whatever it may be, hits his brother.
0:27:31 – (Wendy): Like, tonight, we want to make sure anytime there’s revenge behavior. Revenge is a good one to give an example of because it’s, like, pertinent that we teach a child the root of revenge, which is the feeling of hurt. And kids are, like, basically culturally conditioned and for many other reasons, they have this mistaken belief that when I feel hurt, I must hurt back often because that’s what’s been modeled to me.
0:27:57 – (Wendy): And so we really want to come beside these kids later. And this is what we do. Instead of punishment, we do logical consequences, which includes many different types of teaching, but one of them can just be simply to educate a kid of, like, hey, earlier, when you hit your brother, I think what was happening for you, I don’t think you think he’s stupid. I know you called him stupid and then you hit him, but I know that you don’t think he’s stupid. I know that you guys actually have, like, the.
0:28:24 – (Wendy): You love each other so much. I think you were just really mad and hurt that he wouldn’t let you play with that video game or the Legos. And so that’s the feeling of hurt. And that’s not a weak one. That’s not a feeling for, like, boys feel hurt, girls feel hurt. And when you feel that, this is how you can move through that in a way that respects yourself and others. And then you teach, right? And then you give personal examples of when you felt hurt or how you used to smack back or say unkind things back to people when they said something hurtful.
0:29:00 – (Wendy): But that’s a great example of, like, you just want to remember that it doesn’t. Sometimes it does look like creating a chart or doing a full redo, which is an example of a logical consequence that we do where you just, like, redo the situation that happens. So in the situation of siblings fighting, it would be like, hey, before we go to bed tonight, I just want us to practice, like, redoing this in a way that’s going to make you both feel really good about yourselves and keep everyone safe. So, little person, you’re going to pretend like you’re not going to let him play with your legos, which we will talk about later.
0:29:36 – (Wendy): But, and then, big brother, you’re going to pretend like I want you to actually act out, taking a deep breath and walking away or pulling your shirt and saying, I feel so mad or something. But that, that’s an example of a redo, right. And it doesn’t have to be this, like, lengthy thing. You. The biggest task there is just to remember to do it and to learn how to do it and then just to not let yourself brush it under a rug. So many families have generational pain, painful generational cycles of brushing things under a rug, and it really can do damage.
0:30:12 – (Wendy): Like, we don’t want to brush things under a rug. When you do that, resentment, bitterness, like hopelessness, disconnection, all those build when you don’t come back and revisit something and get to the root of the problem and learn while connected with your kid.
0:30:33 – (Billy): I love that so much. Yeah. I remember as a kid, nobody apologized to me when there was an issue and we just waited till everyone forgets about it and just move on. So this is something I try to do with my kids.
0:30:51 – (Wendy): Isn’t that interesting how that, that was the norm, Billy, but that, that also still is the norm. We think that nowadays, like, but I, I see it, like with my, my daughter’s best friend who’s 16. I mean, it is intense how big the fights they have and then, like, her and her parents, and then they will never talk about it ever again nowadays still. And it was exactly how I was raised. And so, yeah, I’m with you.
0:31:24 – (Wendy): So I’m so happy that you’re not going to continue just being a brush rugger brusher.
0:31:34 – (Billy): You mentioned logical consequences and this is what we do instead of punishment. But I know even the positive reinforcement is not the best approach. Would you clarify for people why, why not, why not praise our kids for a job well done? And, yeah.
0:31:56 – (Wendy): Praise versus encouragement. This is an area, when I first learned about this, I remember being like, that is so dumb. Like, what is the big deal of saying good job to my kid? And it’s not like saying good job is bad. And it’s gonna, like, you know, it’s just that we’re, when you gonna realize, like, how praise is often rooted in judgment and it’s really judgment. It really is. And then encouragement is more rooted in, like, inspiration and acknowledgement.
0:32:31 – (Wendy): So the big difference, like, we teach our students how to do it differently, is saying like, good job. I’m so proud of you. It’s like, wow, you did it. Like, you kept your hands to yourself. How did that feel? You made it through the entire church service and the church nursery, even though you were really upset and you didn’t want me to leave. Thank you. I was able to have, like, a really nice church service, and you did it.
0:32:58 – (Wendy): You are capable of doing big things even when you’re scared. And I see you, and I know that was a lot for you, and you did it. And I’m so inspired by you. Like, it just comes across so much different than, good job. I’m so proud of you. I approve. And again, it seems so innocent, but it’s with strong willed kids especially, I believe it wears on their souls, and they just have this huge desire to feel powerful.
0:33:30 – (Wendy): When my kids were little, Taryn is my more easygoing one. So let’s just take Stella and Taryn, too. But they just wanted to know the answers. You would start to do something for them, and they’d kind of push you out of the way and be like, no, no, no, I do it. One of them would say, me, do it. The other one say, I do it. And they just, you could tell their little bodies, especially Stella, just was. She was thriving when she was steering the ship, when she was tying her shoe, when she was, like, building the sandcastle.
0:34:01 – (Wendy): And so it’s kind of the same with praise versus encouragement. When you’re teaching life skills, when you help your child realize that they’re the ones that who did that, and they’re the ones who should be really talking to themselves and saying, way to go, you know, because kids battle the internal critic really young and just like us adults do, and no one taught us when we were young how to battle that internal critic. You know, that’s, like, going to be like, you’re not good enough.
0:34:34 – (Wendy): You didn’t do it good enough. You did it wrong. But instead, if we teach them from a very young age how they can actually encourage themselves and realize how capable they are, even when they feel challenged of doing things, that’s the power of encouragement versus praise.
0:34:50 – (Billy): I love that. I still struggle with that, choosing the right words, because I don’t want to correct them and criticize them, but I want to just recognize their efforts. And still it sometimes comes out as praise, not encouragement.
0:35:07 – (Wendy): So you, like, give me an example. Like, what is something that you feel like is crazy that you’ll say.
0:35:17 – (Billy): Well, something else comes to mind. Right. I am really triggered when my kids fight. They fight a lot. So when I see them, yeah, yeah, they do so when I see them having a fight, and I’m like, great job not hitting her, because that’s. They’re hitting a lot. And I think it could be said differently, but right there in the moment, I’m not. I love how you dealt with the conflict. Instead of hitting her, you expressed your feelings, but right there, it’s just ingrained some type of expressing, like, well done, good job.
0:36:03 – (Billy): These are all words we use so often.
0:36:06 – (Wendy): Well, and it might help Billy to take away the good bad. I heard you say something. You said. You said, right, right versus wrong. There really is no right versus wrong here. So when you use praise, it’s not right. It’s not wrong. It’s just. It’s just praise. That’s just what it is. Right. Whereas, like, using encouragement is just a different way to acknowledge what they’ve done. So just that in itself, if you start using that different language with yourself of, oh, I want to. I just want to, like, challenge myself to switch it up into, wow, you did it.
0:36:44 – (Wendy): I’m so inspired by you. I actually completely replaced, like, I don’t say even with myself and my team, we. And the whole team is like this now. We don’t ever say proud. We say inspired by, and it took us a few years, but we say, I am so inspired by us. I am so inspired by you. I am so inspired by myself, like, because inspiration is something that, like, affects people to want to do something. When you’re inspired by me, when I’m inspired by myself, I want to do it more proud is like, you know, okay, good. I don’t need to. Like, I’m off the hook. Like, I did it good. You know? So.
0:37:28 – (Wendy): But just taking away that pressure as a parent, like, I got to get this right. No, it’s not wrong to say, you did. You did great. You didn’t hit her. And you can, like, challenge yourself in a fun way to, like, switch it up and just see what happens, see how they respond. If you’re like, you did it. Way to go. I saw it. I saw you keep your hands to yourself, and I know that was so hard. I’m so inspired by you. Like, you did it.
0:37:54 – (Billy): I love the reframe. I love it. Inspired. That’s a great word. Okay, I’ll try that. So now let’s talk about the long term effects, and here, what are some of the benefits you’ve observed? Because when I think, looking ahead, when I envision success as a parent, it’s about enjoying time with my kids, being calm and confident that they’re going to be okay out there in the world, and I would like to be their go to person when they need guidance.
0:38:30 – (Billy): So is this what you’re seeing with your own teenagers? Is this the way to achieve these goals?
0:38:38 – (Wendy): It really is. Oh, my gosh, it is such a fun stage of life right now to be there and have 13 and 16 year old again. We started this work when Stella was three, so we are 13 years in now. And, of course, like, because I’ve built my career out of this, we are a very, like, dedicated. Became fluent probably within, like, five years. So we’ve been fluent fluently practicing this for, you know, whatever, eight years or something.
0:39:08 – (Wendy): But my gosh, it’s so fun to see it actually playing out in real life because so much of this journey was an experiment, right? Like, you can read all the books and get all the certifications, but until you see it for your own eyes, then it doesn’t. It’s, like, still you again, you have a little bit of the doubt, right? Like, I remember in kindergarten when Stella, a few of the parents were complaining that she was a bully.
0:39:34 – (Wendy): And that’s when I started volunteering in the classroom so I could, like, really see what was going on. And I started teaching some of the work that we teach at fresh start family. But she was called a bully. And then also we started to, like, kind of do things a little different than the public school system from after we watched the race to Doc race to nowhere documentary. And I remember just being so scared, like, what if it doesn’t work?
0:39:56 – (Wendy): You know? Like, what if we say that we’re not going to force our kid to do homework and then she, like, starts failing out of school or she becomes a bad student? Or what if we don’t, like, what if we don’t reward our kids for good grades or stress about good grades and then they become bad grades, right? Or what if Stella really does grow up to be this very mean kid that’s like the mean girl, right? Like, so there’s all these worries, and then now here we are where we just see it. Like, it is such a difference.
0:40:30 – (Wendy): Stella. I’ll just take her, for example, the 16 year old. She has so many wonderful friends, and I love them so much. Our home, thank God. We live in a very small house in southern California, but it has become, like, kind of the safe place for all of her friends. So I get to see her friends often. They love to hang out here. She’ll have, like, ten teenagers pile into her room. And I’m like, you guys can have the living room. We’ll go into the bedroom. She’s like, no, we like it in here. You know, they’re just. Kids don’t need space. They just need safety.
0:41:00 – (Wendy): And I get to know really well what’s happening for those kids and what’s happening in their homes and with their parents, and it’s just so different than what we have here. So, yes, you mentioned you want your kids to come to you and feel safe as, like, you being their mentor and their guide. That is absolutely what’s happened. That’s from using compassionate discipline and taking away the, like, you’re in trouble piece and just moving into problem solving and teaching with our kids with a huge emphasis on modeling.
0:41:37 – (Wendy): That’s how we got there. The determination and the decision that we were going to make safety in our home the priority, that is what has fueled, I think, the relationship. And our kids really do feel safe if they were to make a mistake. And still, it is normal. She’s a normal human, and she’s, like, had a few mistakes over the years that we did need to do compassionate discipline, but it was connecting.
0:42:06 – (Wendy): It also was opportunities that led Terry and I to reset some of the habits we had. Some of them were big lifestyle habits that we decided to, like, really reset to make sure that we were modeling for our daughter what we expected out of her. So, yeah, she actually. She tells us everything. I mean, there’s nothing that she doesn’t hide, and that feels so good.
0:42:35 – (Billy): There’s a.
0:42:36 – (Wendy): There’s a saying that says, I forget who said it, but it was, like, floating around the Internet at one point. It said, I want my kids to say, instead of saying, oh, crap, my mom’s gonna kill me, they say, oh, crap, I need to call my mom. And that’s really what we’re seeing. I know. It’s really what we’re seeing play out. Whereas I can tell her friends, 95% of them don’t have that safety. They are going into the hiding, the rebellious behavior, the lying.
0:43:08 – (Wendy): Right? Like, and they’re in the punishment model home. So it’s like, I can just see how it’s not working over and over again. And then. And then just the life skills. It’s crazy, Billy. Like, I’ll take grades, for example. I’m so thankful that the kids, I guess they must have gotten blessed with great, healthy brains that excel in a classic school system, right? Like, kids that don’t necessarily excel in a classic school system are also brilliant.
0:43:42 – (Wendy): When they’re supported by supportive parents, they can take other routes that are fantastic. So it’s not like good grades defines anything. And we have taken a hands off approach and an empowered, like, raise them both with an empowered mindset. And we really, like, we’re not. We’re not using external controls and we’re not forcing anything. And they consistently are straight A students with some AP classes, right? So things like that, or, I think also, like, the life skill of just knowing to be different and stand on your own. 2ft.
0:44:27 – (Wendy): That’s been a huge thing to watch play out because, you know, I just feel so much for the kids who are raised in the instant obedience homes or the submit to authority. It’s just. It’s heartbreaking to watch, like, that turn into a struggle to, like, really not cave to peer pressure or not just do what your friends are doing as teenagers. Stella, in our town, we’re like. It feels like we’re like the e bike capital of the world, maybe. I don’t know. I imagine Amsterdam is, like, really e biking out, too.
0:45:02 – (Wendy): I don’t know why, but here in southern California, e bikes like, these kids from a very young age have these incredible e bikes and they can get around town, but it’s wild how many won’t wear their helmets or buckle their helmets. And we have kids lose their lives at least once a year. We’ll lose, like, a 14 or 15 year old on the road. We actually lose a lot more than that. But it’s heartbreaking to watch the rebellion come out in, like, a situation like that. And it’s.
0:45:33 – (Wendy): Once you get to become a teenager, the peer pressure to do things is so intense. And it’s like, I just watch, like, the young guys especially, and. And 90% of them are rolling around without buckled helmets. And I’ve watched my kids navigate that and, like, also have street safety. That was, again, like, not what their friends were doing. That also was a result of compassionate discipline and lots of teaching over the years. So that’s just some examples for you. But the answer is, oh, I love.
0:46:03 – (Billy): That they don’t succumb to peer pressure. That’s a big one. So, yeah. Wow, I’m inspired by this. So this is a way to prepare for the teen years that so many parents are anxious about. Right. This kind of parenting will get the connection to a place where you can be just calm, that it’s going to be okay.
0:46:29 – (Wendy): Yeah, I love that because that. That’s what it feels like right now is, you know, when Stella goes to an event, like, she has winter formal next Saturday, I don’t worry. I don’t feel like I have to check her phone or, you know, like, sneak around and make sure, or, like, expect that she’s gonna hide something from me or lie to me. Like, I just feel very at peace. And I trust her. I trust Taryn out in the world, my little guy. If they’re gonna be going in a car or if they do make a mistake, I trust that they’ll tell me.
0:47:05 – (Wendy): They won’t hide it from me. It is a very peaceful feeling once you realize that the work has paid off. And there are so many stories in the in between, Billy, of, like, how beautiful it was to see the results. Five years in, right. And ten years in, and this is just what it looks like. 13 years in. Um, but it really does work. And if you want kids that have, like, very strong intrinsic control muscles, like, the ability to do what’s right when no one’s looking, then the style of parenting is the ticket.
0:47:45 – (Billy): Yeah, that’s the best. Thank you. Wendy, would you tell us about your show, your community, and all the fantastic ways you support parents on their journey?
0:48:00 – (Wendy): Yeah, the fresh start family show. Yes, that’s our podcast. We’ve been around for a few years now. I think we have a few hundred episodes now. And my husband co host with me, his name is Terry. He is also in a lot of the role play videos in our signature positive parenting program called the Foundations course, which is really fun because we get to, like, show you what is it looks like to, like, actually follow through on the tools that we teach.
0:48:25 – (Wendy): So that’s our show, the Fresh Start Family show. Find us iTunes, Spotify, Google Play, wherever you listen to podcasts. And then, yeah, we have a global education platform and support program now called the Fresh Start Experience, which you were one of almost my founding members back in the day when it was called the bonfire. You. I think you were with us for a few years before you what we call graduated, and now it’s turned into just such a wonderful full support program.
0:48:55 – (Wendy): We have teams of coaches in there that are just amazing certified in our fresh start family approach. And we have, like, a Netflix library, we call it, of positive parenting lessons. That’s almost 100 deep now. It’s just so extensive. And, yeah, that program is very near and dear to our heart. It’s called the fresh start experience. And then just so much free content. If your listeners want to come find me on Instagram, I’m at first start Wendy. That’s where I like to hang out the most.
0:49:24 – (Wendy): It’s there in the podcast where we, we love to give just as much free education as we can. And then if anyone really relates, when I talk about strong willed kids, we do have a free quick start learning bundle that if you come find me on Instagram at Fresh Start Wendy, you can just dm me the word freedom and I can send you that quick start learning bundle. Or I’m sure you can put the link in the show notes or something, but it’s freshstartfamilyonline.com
0:49:52 – (Wendy): power to get access to that free quick start learning bundle.
0:49:56 – (Billy): I’ll put that in the show notes so parents can get some immediate positive parenting wins. Because I think that’s, this work is powerful. And I heard you calling the positive parenting a way of the powerful parenting. And I think that’s so good. Like, that’s the way it should be called because it’s not just positive, right? You’re still setting limits and following through. So powerful parenting is a good word for it.
0:50:29 – (Wendy): I agree, Billy. I stumbled upon that language like six months ago, and I’m starting to use it more and more because I just get so excited about anyone who leads in this world with true power, right? Because there’s just so much of the false power, which is force and overpowering. And that’s just, I just have never been one to respond to that and neither of my kids. But I do respond to true power when I really look up to someone and I really respect the way that they are living their lives and helping others. And like, that’s when you just have, you will have all my heart if I truly respect you. So, yes, powerful parenting, I’m with you. I’m using that term more and more these days.
0:51:18 – (Billy): I love it. Thank you, Wendy. This was dream come true.
0:51:24 – (Wendy): To me, Billy, thank you for having me and so excited to share your show with my community, too.
0:51:31 – (Billy): Thank you.
