You want to grow. You’re reading the books. You’re learning new tools.

And your spouse? Not so much.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re parenting from two different playbooks under the same roof, this episode is for you.

Wendy and Terry share their real-life journey of getting on the same page, what it looked like when one partner led the way, and how connection-based parenting transformed not just their kids, but their marriage.

Inside this conversation, you’ll hear:

• Why one parent often goes first in the growth process
• How to invite a resistant spouse into learning without control or criticism
• The truth about “gentle” parenting and why firm-and-kind is not permissive
• How fathers especially benefit from prioritizing relationship
• What it really means to end generational cycles

If you’re longing for unity, deeper connection, and less tension around discipline, there is a path forward, even if you feel like you’re walking it alone right now.

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Episode Highlights:

• You don’t have to agree on everything to share a parenting vision.
• Change often starts with one courageous parent.
• Firm boundaries and emotional connection can coexist.
• Resistance is usually rooted in someone’s upbringing, not a lack of care.
• Strong marriages are built through shared growth, not forced agreement.

Resources Mentioned:

The Freedom to Be transformational weekend retreat happening soon! Seats are limited. Grab your ticket here and use coupon code FREEDOM for $150 off!

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Unable to listen, or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!

Wendy: Hello there, families, and welcome back to a new episode of The Fresh Start Family Show. We have Terry with us today, and we’re chatting about what happens when you and your spouse aren’t on the same page, or parenting feels really difficult, or they’re not as into learning and growing and figuring out a new way to do things. We’re going to talk about that today.

And Terry, I’m excited to hear your perspective on this because you and I actually recorded something years ago. I mean, we’ve owned Fresh Start Family now for, I think, eight years. And years ago, you and I recorded a little bonus for one of our smaller programs called the Firm & Kind Parenting Blueprint, and it was all around: how do you get on the same page as your spouse?

We’ve poured into this concept through the years in our community because we have so many families who come to the table and it’s one parent who comes first. Then we see so often that when that one parent leads, it creates an opportunity, the door gets opened, and the second parent is like, “Okay, this actually feels safe to learn and grow in this way.”

And that wasn’t your story. You were never resistant to this work, but you did have a wife who led the way. I mean, because the crap hit the fan with me, and then I was forced to get help. And through that, I was like, “Hey babe, how about you and your mom, Gigi, go to a class?” And you were like, “Okay.” You were always down.

But it did take one of us going first and saying, “Hey, I think we should prioritize this learning in our life because it’s going to help us, not just me, but us. We should get on the same page and understand the same concepts.”

And then years later, when I went to become certified as a parent educator and I was like, “I don’t know, babe… there’s this certification opportunity and it’s going to cost a few grand. It’s an investment for our family.” You were so encouraging. You said, “Babe, if you want to do this, I’ll support you with all my heart. And whatever happens with this certification, whether you become a teacher or not, I know you expanding your knowledge and leading our family in this way will completely help our family.”

That was one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten in my life. Because obviously I went for it, became an educator, and now we’ve been able to help thousands of families all over the world. And our own family has benefited just like you said.

So it’s been this long journey, and now we sit here with Stella being 18 years old. I still cannot believe we have an adult child. Does it not feel like it’s been a blink?

Terry: Passage of time is a topic for another podcast. I feel it on a daily basis and it is wild.

Wendy: Yeah. I’m trying to grasp the present moment everywhere I can, even on the drive here today. It was like, “Stay present.”

So can you talk a little bit about what it’s been like, because we all know in marriages we each lead, especially in modern, updated, mature marriages. It’s been cool to watch society shift.

Our parents came from a generation where dads expected moms to do everything, and their job was to make money. There was the “wait till your dad gets home” vibe too. Dad was the fallback security guard if mom reached the end of her rope.

Terry: Yeah, traditionally it was dad goes and is the breadwinner, and mom handles the home and kids, the day-to-day stuff.

Wendy: And now so many families are looking at parenthood through a more equal lens. Both parents working, or even if one parent is home full time, we’ve got so many rad dads in our group who step up and take the invitation to expand and learn and grow and build their skill set as parents.

And we know some people are resistant to it, for a lot of reasons.

What has it meant to you to have the invitation early on, like, “Hey, let’s do a parenting class. Let’s learn the psychology behind human behavior. Let’s learn what makes kids tick. What’s behind your daughter’s pushback when that strong will kicks in.”

How do you connect with your kids even when they aren’t doing what you want, or you make a mistake and blow up, and then you repair. How do you work through conflict in a connected way. How do you remove threats, bribery, rewards, and external controls.

And then not just education, but implementation, right? Me raising my hand like, “I think we should get a coach now,” and you’re like, “Okay.” Then it became, “I think we should do deeper life coaching, dig up our triggers, excavate limiting beliefs, clear the cobwebs,” and you were always like, “Alright, cool, let’s do it.”

So what does that mean to you now, especially with the friendship you have with your kids and the way you guide behavior without the classic external controls?

Terry: Starting with present day, I’m so thankful. Where I’m at with our two kids, the relationships I have with them, who they are becoming and have become up to this point, it’s beyond anything I would’ve ever dreamed of. But at the same time, it’s exactly what I would have dreamed of.

If I rewind, I always assumed when we were dating, engaged, first married, I looked at you and I was like… I think I was humble enough to say, “I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to having kids.”

Wendy: You were terrified of kids.

Terry: I could probably win a trivia contest in a lot of different things, but raising kids wouldn’t have been one. And I felt like I hit the jackpot with you because I was like, “Oh, Wendy is good with kids.” You coached kids in high school. You’ve been a nanny. This is your jam. So I don’t have to know much.

I definitely felt like you were picking up for whatever I didn’t know.

And then what I realized is nobody knows at all. You just have to be humble enough to say, “Okay, wherever you are on your path, there’s always more to learn.”

And then having kids… our birth plan got thrown out the window with Stella. So you’re like, “Okay, you can make plans, be fully functioning intelligent adults, and it still doesn’t go as planned.”

Then you bring home a kid and at first it’s survival. Schedule, feeding, sleeping.

I remember looking around like, “Those people’s kid sleeps… what book are they reading?” So you dig into that combined with whatever knowledge you have from your own childhood. And it was revealing to me, I thought I knew nothing, and it just kept getting revealed that I actually didn’t know much at all.

Wendy: Isn’t that crazy? The one thing most humans do is raise a human, and we don’t have blanket education for it. It’s wild. I want to change legislation one day, that’s on my list. But people are just expected to know what drives human behavior and how to work with a small human who is totally irrational and can drive you insane.

Terry: Absolutely. So there are these moments, not even one moment, but moments where you have to be like, “I’m enough. I’m doing good. I’m walking one foot in front of the other.” And you also have to be humble enough to say, “And there’s so much more to learn.”

You were good at that early on, getting us resources, practical places to jump in. We brought home plenty of awful research too. We tried things that didn’t feel right, and you’re like, “Oof.”

But once we found something that honored the end goal, which is the relationship you have with your kids, and you dove head-first into it, I knew the family would benefit as a whole.

And it was going to be a lifestyle. Like learning a language. It should be. Because raising kids and having a family, that relationship is like learning a language.

I was thankful for the resources at our preschool. I was thankful you took the class so many times. I was thankful both I took the class and we got my mom in there too, because the more you feel like you’re speaking that same language, even if one person is ahead, or one person feels confused, at least you’re learning it.

Wendy: My gosh, having your mom do it too was such a blessing. I love your mom. From the second she moved to California when we had our second, she’d come over and do laundry and take care of him while he napped so I could go jog. Then it turned into, “Sure, I’ll take the class,” and she wasn’t afraid to raise her hand and say, “This doesn’t feel right.”

She’s been such a pivotal support system.

And as time went on and we were implementing, we kept going deeper. That’s why I’m so excited for this book to come out, which is available for pre-order. We have so many great pre-order bonuses right now you can grab at freshstartfamilyonline.com/preorder.

It’s such an accessible way to get this information into both your hands and your spouse’s hands.

Back when we got into this work, for you and me and your mom to go to the class, that was four weeks of taking away an hour or two from work, week after week.

And now the entire body of work we’ve built at Fresh Start Family is available in one book for about $22.

So I feel like this is the ultimate opportunity to get it into the hands of your spouse and yourself. There’s something powerful about a physical book. It sitting on your nightstand, your spouse seeing you read it. It becomes a natural way to bring things up. You have a shared reference point. You can pass it on, recommend it.

Terry: The book isn’t just one little section. It’s a product of every lesson, everything you’ve built over all these years, boiled down into one place. If you have a spouse who hasn’t been exposed to this, or even is the least bit curious, the book is such a beautiful way to get them in.

Wendy: Yeah. And I tell my students, if you have a spouse who’s resistant, it makes sense. One of the biggest reasons is how they were raised.

When you were raised in an autocratic upbringing, it can feel scary to understand a new way. Words like “gentle” get misunderstood as “permissive,” and they assume if you’re not punishing, yelling, scaring, or using intimidation, you’re going to become a doormat.

That’s a very common fear.

And there’s a lot of misinformation out there, especially in high-control religious circles, where they fill men’s groups with “gentle parenting is non-biblical” type messaging. It’s gnarly.

So it makes sense why so many dads resist at first.

Now, we also have dads who come first. We have two rad dads in our program right now who are deeply committed, and for them it’s the opposite, they have wives or ex-wives who are resistant. So it goes both ways.

But I will say, dads often have the most to gain on the other side of this. The relationship you have with your kids, and especially your daughter, the depth of that relationship, I don’t think existed much in prior generations.

When we had a newborn daughter, there were so many fear-based cultural messages, “better get your gun,” “you’re going to have to scare off boys,” all this weird stuff. I can think of a person who said that kind of stuff, and he has no relationship with his daughter now. They don’t speak.

It’s always said like a joke, but it’s such a cultural norm, and it’s so rooted in fear.

Instead, you can be humble, prioritize the relationship, learn new things, make a mistake and admit it, and still be firm without being permissive.

If there are dads listening, the misconception is, “Do you just say yes to everything?” And it’s like, no. We probably say no more than most parents.

Terry: Yeah. But it’s a no and we can have a conversation about it. It’s not “my way or the highway” or “do it again and you’ll pay the price.”

Everything is related. We’re not saying no in random, unrelated ways, and we’ve moved on our position too after talking things through. I’ve moved on my position before once we had a chance to talk.

Dads probably have the most to gain generation over generation. Having a wonderful relationship with your kids at the end of all this, it’s incredible.

Wendy: Yeah. And ending painful generational cycles isn’t only about corporal punishment, like “my parents hit me so I won’t hit my kids.” That’s one.

There are quieter cycles too. Lack of relationship. Cutoffs. No peaceful conflict resolution. Brushing things under the rug. Surface-level connection where you never felt deeply known and accepted.

The goal is to have the relationship of your dreams with a human soul. And from that place, cooperation flows. Kids thrive when they feel deeply connected to their father, supported, unconditionally loved, not forced to be different, not hurt or shamed.

I’ll also say, the book is a great opportunity to gift it to your spouse and ask for what you want.

So many people stop asking. They ask once or twice and their spouse says, “I’m too busy,” or “You do it and tell me.” And that can work to some extent, but also, keep asking.

We’ve seen so many dads get on board over time.

One dad emailed years ago, his name was Scott, and he said, “My wife brought this work home and I told her it was dumb and permissive. I didn’t want it.” And he said, “Thank you that she didn’t listen to me.”

Because one day their three-year-old locked herself in the bathroom, and he said, “In the past I would’ve been furious.” But because of the work, he got tools, he got her out, and he didn’t yell. He wrote in because he could feel their whole family dynamic shifting.

So with this book, you have to ask. Sometimes you get it for them, put it in their hands, and say, “This is what I want.”

The book drops May 19, and pre-orders are open now. You don’t get charged until May 19, but you get the bonuses now.

It’s also right after Mother’s Day. Ask for that for Mother’s Day. Like, most of you don’t want candles and robes. Those are fine. A massage is wonderful. But a massage plus the Fresh Start Your Family book? That’s a good duo.

Terry: What’s the best way to find the book?

Wendy: Fresh Start Your Family is the name of the book. You can Google it. It’s on Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Bookshop.org if you’re choosing not to order from Amazon.

We’re not in Target yet, but the more pre-orders we get, the more likely we are to be on Target shelves.

Bookshop.org will pull orders from your local bookshops, and people love that.

And we have incredible pre-order bonuses. When you pre-order, you get invited to be on the launch team. I’m hosting a four-week set of mini workshops and Q&As in April for anyone who joins the launch team and helps us share the good news, share links, text friends and family, share with Bible studies, preschools, your community.

That’s what it looks like to be on the launch team, and you get all that info when you pre-order at freshstartfamilyonline.com/preorder.

And in the book, there’s a whole section on how to get on the same page as parents. I tell a story about the night your mom was over for dinner, remember, and I lost my mind with Stella, and Gigi was like, “I gotta go, this is not cool.” And you were looking at me like, “Babe, you gotta relax.”

I tell that story, and then we go through the steps: how do you actually get on the same page. You’ve got to set your vision. You don’t have to agree perfectly on everything, but get the education into both of your brains. Then you can have better conversations, even with a resistant partner who grew up with autocratic or authoritarian conditioning.

Terry: Supporting a pre-order is also a great way to support people you believe in. Like supporting an artist or musician. Wendy’s an author. In this day and age, there’s so much talk about AI taking over. Support people writing books, doing art, making the world a better place.

And if part of you wants to invest in your family legacy and also make the world brighter, pre-ordering a book like Fresh Start Your Family is a great thing to do. You’re all in, Wendy.

Wendy: I love you, babe. And you won’t be charged till May 19.

And this is the best Mother’s Day present you can give yourself, asking your spouse, “Can we read through this book together in June?” Because summer’s coming. Kids will be home. Stress rises. It’s such a good time to educate yourself before summer break hits.

Okay, I know church is about to start and we’ve got to get down there, but I want to ask one more thing.

So that’s the book and getting on the same page. Thank you. And at the very same time, we’re a few weeks away from our annual Freedom to Be deeper learning program.

There might be people on the fence thinking about popping over to sunny San Diego. It’s about 80 degrees out my office window right now. The sun is shining. It’s so beautiful.

Freedom to Be is our deeper life coaching weekend. We look at limiting beliefs, triggers, why we get so triggered by spilled milk, why we lash out or shut down, how to approach conflict when we’re triggered, how to escape blame and shame cycles.

Freedom to Be transforms lives, saves marriages, catapults people’s success in this work.

You’ve done it with me so many times. Could you add anything for anyone thinking about grabbing a last-minute ticket, especially anyone who wants to invite their spouse, or a dad who’s been invited and hasn’t pulled the trigger yet?

How did that program help you as a father?

Terry: You know, I think everybody’s experience with Freedom to Be will be different, but I think it’s important to look at how I walked in and how I walked out.

I remember the first time, I walked in like, “I don’t even know what I’m going to talk about.”

Then you get into a setting where you can take things off the shelf, look at them, and do it with a beautiful group of people. Being vulnerable with other people matters.

And trust me, it feels great. It almost got to a point where I wanted to do it again and again because it feels good.

People think it feels scary. I feel the opposite now. I actually feel like it tunes you up.

I remember the first time, walking down the street afterward and it was like I could smell things I wouldn’t notice before. I could see things and hear things. Like my senses were turned up because I felt more present.

So if you just say, “Saying yes to Freedom to Be will help me be the best version of myself,” it doesn’t feel scary. If anything, you might want to come back and do it again, and a lot of people do. That’s a testament to how powerful the work is.

And it’s San Diego, so if you’re out of town and want somewhere wonderful in the middle of winter, that’s the icing on the cake.

Wendy: So good. And we have what we call refresh tickets too, people who’ve graduated and come back over and over again because the magic is in repetition. It’s like the gym, right?

Right now, at the moment of recording, we have 11 main tickets left for Freedom to Be, and refresh tickets too. So go check it out: freshstartfamilyonline.com/freedomcourse.

Flights into San Diego are pretty easy these days. Whole new Terminal 1, guys.

Terry: Come for Terminal 1, stay for Freedom to Be.

Wendy: Terminal 1 is gorgeous. San Diego International Airport is not paying us for this endorsement, but just saying, Terminal 1 is a work of art.

Alright: freshstartfamilyonline.com/freedomcourse. Go get your ticket, invite your spouse. I promise it’ll be one of the best investments you ever make in yourself, your marriage, and your family.

And then pre-order the book at freshstartfamilyonline.com/preorder. Remember, you don’t get charged until May 19, but you get all the bonuses and an invitation to be on the launch team if that floats your boat too.

Alright, Terry, thank you for being here. I love you.

Terry: Love you too.

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