Ep. 111- Re-Mothering Yourself with Grace and Compassion with Dr. Laura Froyen

by | January 11, 2022

Ep. 111- Re-Mothering Yourself with Grace and Compassion with Dr. Laura Froyen

by | January 11, 2022

The Fresh Start Family Show
The Fresh Start Family Show
Ep. 111- Re-Mothering Yourself with Grace and Compassion with Dr. Laura Froyen
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LISTEN & SUBSCRIBE

Take time today to listen to this personal conversation between Wendy and Dr. Laura Froyen as they discuss how to “remother” (or re-parent) yourself, so that you can show up best for your children at home. 

In this episode Dr. Laura teaches parents how to approach their parenting with grace and kindness plus discusses how she uses her trauma-informed practices and child development research to help families find more peace, calm, & connection. 

Walk away from today’s episode with 3 Ways to “Re-Mother” Yourself:

  1. Acknowledge unmet needs
  2. Respond with self-compassion
  3. Set loving but firm boundaries

Ready for a FRESH START in your parenting walk?

It’s time to expand your heart, learn new tools & strengthen your family with the annual Fresh Start New Year Challenge!

This completely FREE 5 Day Positive Parenting Mini-Course starts 1/24 & includes 5 days of short, but powerful mini-video lessons delivered right to your email inbox! Plus a private group to interact with so you can feel the power of learning alongside other like-minded families from all over the world! 

Click HERE (or the above image) to save your seat now!


Episode Highlights:

  • Defining blame
  • Evaluating where you are in your parenting 
  • Switching from a ‘power’ mindset
  • Getting away from victim mentality in your parenting
  • Replacing “you” statements with “I” statements
  • Force vs power (they are not the same!)
  • Taking action now!

Resources Mentioned:


Not able to listen or want to read along with us?

Here is the episode transcript!

Wendy:
Hello, hello families. It is time for the Fresh Start parenting challenge. Are you ready for a fresh start in your parenting walk? Yes. Yes. Yes. I can see hands going up everywhere. The new year is such a great time to make a fresh start with your kids and your family. So the Fresh Start parenting challenge is a completely free five day mini course. That will give you a solid understanding of the root causes of misbehavior. So you can redirect your kids towards better behavior towards the light. I always like to say and do it in a way where you use compassion and dignity and connection, empathy, and firm kind of limits.

Wendy:
So you feel proud and confident at the end of the day, when you lay your head on your pillow. Heck yes, this is an easy way to come hang out with me live and to come learn free with me. So once you register, you’ll be all set to receive your mini positive parenting video lessons delivered right to your email inbox daily. For five days, you can save your seat at FreshStartFamilyonline.com/free challenge. Now, remember parents, these lessons are not overwhelming, but instead short, punchy and powerful. And at the end of the week, you’ll walk away feeling confident, joyful, creative, empowered, and hopeful about the next season of your life.

Wendy:
As a parent now is the perfect time to start fresh parents that I want you to come hang out, live with me for this event. Again, you can save your seat over at FreshStartFamilyonline.com/freechallenge. I’ll be answering questions every day. I’ll be hosting live events during this week long event. It couldn’t be easy, easier after you register. I’ll send you a prep kit to get you all set up so you can get started. Now, remember you do not have to attend live to take part in this free mini course. So save your seat now. Okay. Let’s listen to today’s new episode.

Wendy:
Well hello. Hello parents. I’m so happy that you are here for a new episode of the fresh start family show. I am your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And today I am here with someone very, very special. Her name is Dr. Laura Froyen and she is just such a light in the world. You guys, we are excited today to talk to you about how you can remother yourself. Now I get this question a lot and she, when I met her and I saw the work that she’s doing in the world, I just knew that she was the perfect one to talk about this. So I’m excited to have this conversation with her today and for you guys to learn from Dr.

Wendy:
Laura. And you’ll see, when you listen to this episode, Laura is just so filled with peace and calm, and you can just feel her giant open heart when you speak with her. So it feels like this episode is definitely a little bit more vulnerable because I share some real life things that I have looked at and thought about and all the above when it comes to the subject of re Mothering Yourself. And so I know that you guys are really, really going to enjoy this episode. So thanks for listening. And if you haven’t yet, make sure you grab our free guide to raising strong-willed kids with integrity, which is always available over on the website, FreshStartFamilyonline.com on the homepage.

Wendy:
We always have something free. If you’re not on our email list, yet this is the best way to stay in contact with us on a consistent basis. And when it comes to learning positive parenting or getting your family to maybe a more peaceful, connected, confident place, I always encourage you guys to remain consistent with your learning. And so here at Fresh Start Family, we work really hard to provide consistent free content for you guys to learn, to Expand your heart, to learn new tools and strengthen your family. And in order to best do that in order to allow us to best serve you. It really works great if you are on our email list. So hop on over to the website, FreshStartFamilyonline.com.

Wendy:
Grab our free guide to raising strong-willed kids with integrity. We also sometimes have free classes or seminars that we’re hosting online or free five day challenges that will be in that same location for you to sign up and get free support over there too. All right, help me welcome Laura to the show.

Stella:
Well, Hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast. The fresh start family show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean Jesus and rock and roll and believe deeply in the true power of loving kindness together. We hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.

Wendy:
Well, hello there families and welcome to a new episode of the fresh start family show. I am so excited and humbled and honored to be here this morning with Dr. Laura. Froyen good morning. Good morning.

Laura:
Hi. It’s nice to be here.

Wendy:
Yes, Laura, you and I have had actually gotten a chance to hang out twice in one week because we recorded together for your incredible podcasts. I want you to tell us all about here in a second, and now you are here to speak to our beautiful community of listeners. And we are going to be talking today about how we three ways we can re mother ourselves, which is such an incredible topic that we’ve never discussed on this show and has been really interesting to me over the years, to kind of, I’ve gotten tons of questions about it. And I knew when I found you that you were the best person to help us understand this.

Wendy:
So I’m, I’m excited to chat about that today and listeners, you are in for a treat because Dr. Laura Froyen is an incredible resource. I’m going to tell you just a little bit about her work and then Laura, I’m going to pass the mic to you and have you introduce yourself. But Dr. Laura Froyen has her PhD in human development and family studies with a specialization in couple and family therapy. Laura combines trauma informed practices with the latest in child development research to help families find more peace, calm, and connection. She teaches conscious parenting and communication with heaping doses of grace and compassion through her podcast, the balance parent, the balanced parent and her courses and programs.

Wendy:
I am literally obsessed with your work. You are incredible and incredible, incredible light in this world, your voice, everything we just adore you here at Fresh Start Family. So I’m going to pass the mic to you. If you could just tell us a little bit more about yourself, how you found this work, why you, you know, why you became so passionate about helping families. And we would love to learn more about you.

Laura:
Oh, thank you, Wendy. Yeah. So, you know, it’s, it always starts with us, right? And so I had no idea how much healing and growing and work I had to do until I became a parent. And I was a therapist. You know, I did a lot of work before a lot and it, it wasn’t nearly enough. Like it wasn’t, it, it, nothing could prepare me for the way my children would show me the additional work that I had to do would awaken within me, the hurting parts would shine a light on old rooms that I thought had long since been forgotten or healed.

Laura:
They really helped show me how much work I had to do. And so, as I learned it to do this work for myself, I realized that that aspect of, of it was missing from the parenting world. There’s lots out there on what to do, what to say. Here’s the script, here’s the tips. Here’s the research, here’s the child development. Here’s the brain stuff and not a lot about like, okay, so what do we do then when we’re in the moment with our kid, they’re pushing our buttons. They’re pushing her buttons in the very way we used to push our parents’ buttons and our mom’s voices come out of our mouths. And it’s like a train wreck. We see it happening in front of us. We can’t stop it. We know what to do something different.

Laura:
And we can’t like that. That’s what I’m passionate about. That’s what I love teaching and talking about. So I’m so excited to have this conversation.

Wendy:
It’s so good. And yes, w I share, I think that’s why I’m so in love with your work. Cause I share that same passion of like getting underneath of like, what is the root cause that keeps us from actually being able to respond versus react or cause we all want to show compassion and have patience and be creative and assume the integrity in our kids. Like, of course, but what, like what is that the root cause of us preventing us from doing that? And so it’s just fantastic that you provide so much support to parents to be able to do that, to keep digging. Right. And I love like if we can empower families to find joy in that, like to, to keep pushing in and, and be like, oh gosh, okay, today, this week, like I found a root cause of something or, you know, like I think if you can just develop a joy of learning and shedding limiting beliefs, or, you know, like unpeeling the layers of the artichoke, so to speak.

Wendy:
Cause that’s life, right. Life is a lifelong journey and yeah, just,

Laura:
Yeah. Yeah. I think so often we come to this with an, I have to do this, like it feels burdensome and heavy. Like I’ve got to do this work so that I don’t hand the stuff down to my kids versus I think if we can even shift into like, I get to do this work, like every single mistake I make as an opportunity to model grace and compassion to my kids, but also to offer it to myself, to offer myself the kindness, the empathy, the compassion that I maybe didn’t get growing up that I so richly deserved simply by being human, because we all, we’re all deserving of being treated with dignity, compassion, respect, and grace, and many of us didn’t get that growing up.

Laura:
And so as we’re doing this work, it’s, it’s a, it’s a joy, it’s a blessing. It’s an opportunity. It’s a chance to show up for ourselves and the way that we always needed and always deserved and maybe didn’t get, or maybe we got partially too. You know, I, I was, I grew up in a loving home, filled with parents who thought the shot sun shone on me. You know, it was a great home. And I still walked out of my childhood with wounds that needed healing. And so it’s not, it’s not an either or, or a binary state or the trauma Olympics, you know, it’s, we all have stuff to work on. We all have growth. We all, you know, somewhere along the way, he got the idea that there were some parts of us that were unworthy or unlovable or unacceptable we had to hide and, and we get to rediscover those parts and treat them with kindness.

Laura:
It’s just, yeah, it’s just lovely work. And what a blessing that we get to do this and we get to do it with our kids. It’s

Wendy:
Yes. Yeah. Tara and I were just talking last night about how blown away we are at our access to resources these days. Right. And I want to like set the tone to have like, with our parents have not, this is like, when we talk about this kind of stuff and healing the wounds and like you just heat it up so beautifully. It’s like every child, every kid, if they’re a human being is going to come out of childhood with, you know, wounds and thank God we have access to so many incredible resources now like across the planet, you know, for the most part, like it’s amazing how you can tap in and find your podcast and Mike podcast and be able to start learning the concepts and doing some thought provoking exercises.

Wendy:
And just being able to start thinking a different way. It’s, it’s such, it’s, it’s just incredible that we get to him that we have access to the resources. So tee us up Laura, with, you know, just setting the tone of, I always think families sometimes avoid looking at this or talking about this type of stuff, because they feel like it’s going to be disrespectful to their parents. So, you know, tee tee us up with, like, I always say it’s like, I, you know, I believe our parents, of course they had a certain set of tools and now we have a certain set of tools and we get to choose. And that doesn’t mean we’re disrespecting them. But tell, tell us a little bit more as we just set the tone about that.

Laura:
Yeah. So I think we have to come in from a place of compassion of understanding that, that our parents are humans who maybe made mistakes and who are also doing the best that they could and who are also here on this earth to learn and grow. And that doesn’t stop when your kids turn 18. My, you know, as I do this work with, in my, you know, in my own heart and in my own soul, I also do it with my mom and my dad. The growth in those relationships are different based on who the person is. It’s quite a bit easier for my mom to step vulnerably into kind of owning like yeah. You know, I didn’t, there are things that I see you doing with the girls that I wish I had done with my girls.

Laura:
And that feels quite good. It’s quite a bit harder. It’s harder. But some people who are, you know, for whatever reason, you know, unable or unwilling to take a look, you know, I think that it’s quite a vulnerable thing to look at your mistakes, to step into a place of, of, yeah, that, wasn’t my best moment. That’s really hard. And I think that as we start doing this work, we do have to understand that there are some people who are not going to be able to do that are not going to be able to kind of, as Bernie brown says, step into the arena with us, they’re just not, and that’s their work and their journey. And we can’t control that.

Laura:
And we also can’t tether our growth and transformation onto them. So we don’t have to be cruel or unkind as we do it. We can be super kind and compassionate and do our work and say, yes, they did the best they could. And it still wasn’t. Okay. And, you know, holding those that both and learning to get really comfortable in this is what I call it with my, in my programs and with my clients is really starting to be comfortable inhabiting the both. And yes, they were human. Yes. They made mistakes. Yes, they did their best. And there were things that weren’t okay. There were things that hurt me. There were even, I think a lot of it comes down to just miscommunications too.

Laura:
There are things that we don’t fully as kids. We didn’t fully understand what our parents were going through. We didn’t fully understand what their worries and concerns were. And we couldn’t because we were kids, we, lots of these wounds were formed with a child’s brain and a child’s mind and a child’s perspective. And a child is very self-centered egoistic on par. Like, because that’s where their brain is. Like literally can put themselves into other people’s shoes and kids often have to really rely on their parents. And so of course, kids come to the conclusion that like, if my mom is criticizing my appearance, you know, it’s telling me my hair is messy.

Laura:
Now that means that there’s something wrong with me or that she doesn’t love me versus mom’s worry that Mo you know, her, mother-in-law’s gonna get, they’re going to get to the barbecue and mother-in-law’s going to criticize her for the hair or that she might go to, you know, your kid might go to school and get made fun of for how their hair is looking at school. The mom has this, a whole set of worries that the kid often is unaware of. And so there’s these, there’s, it’s very, you know, there’s room for grace. And there’s also room for saying like, and it hurt like that, that both, and is, is really important to it’s uncomfortable to live, to live there. But that’s the reality. And what I love about re Mothering is that there, because it focuses on you, the relationship you have with yourself, there’s no reliance on anyone else.

Laura:
There’s no need to dig or muck about in the past. It’s the present moment. How can I show up as a kind compassionate parent to myself right now and that beautiful. It’s just, it’s the present moment. We don’t have to go and dig around. We don’t have to rely on anyone else. We can rely on ourselves. We are the parents that we always needed and deserved.

Wendy:
Oh, I don’t know how, I don’t know how I get through this without crying a lot, because I’m already like, oh my gosh. But yes, that is, that is such a great way to tee it up. It’s like, I think it brings up emotions for me because it’s like, I obviously love what I do. And I love my parents so much, but I’ve watched them over the years. They kind of like, they don’t even like, listen or watch anything I do because I, they fear, but it’s like gonna be a judgment of them. My dad once said to me, he goes, so have you written your book? Like written a book yet? And I was like, oh, maybe one day he goes, okay, well, hopefully you’ll do it after I die because Ottawa to read all things. And I’m like, dad, that is not the heart of my work.

Wendy:
You know? Like, but it’s like, yeah. So I love what you said about not being tethered and the grace for them and the summer unwilling and some are unable. And that is okay. And, and yeah, it’s just all, oh my gosh. It’s so good. So yeah, we get to choose. We get to be in the present. We get to step in. We get to find joy. We get to do it the way we want and what, what a beautiful journey. So, okay, well, let’s get in to this. So we’re going to talk about three ways that we can re mother ourselves. Number one, how to Acknowledge unmet needs.

Wendy:
Number two, how we can Respond with self-compassion and number three, how we can set boundaries. And you mentioned before, before we get into number one here, you mentioned before how sometimes in a triggering moment, we’ll hear our mother’s voice. And it’s so true, right? Like we are like the, the insurance commercial, you’re becoming your parents.

Laura:
Those are so funny. I always laugh about them because like, we’re really like my husband and I are secretly like 75 years old, like where we, we see ourselves where we’ve both always been old souls, but yes, I love those commercials, but yeah.

Wendy:
Oh my gosh. They’re amazing. Everything is accurate. Like literally just last night or went to get in the car. And I was like, you just did the exasperated sigh, like, as your knees were cracking, getting in the car, like what is happening to us? It was hilarious. But, but yeah, so it’s like here, you know, for me, just again, I always liked to have these interviews with amazing guests, like you to be, give some personal examples. So for me, when I think about this, I think of when I have stuff happen, like whether it’s triggers from my daughter, who’s now 13, my son’s 10, by the way, I pulled pictures of myself as a 13 year old, just in case I need to reference them at all in this conversation from your wonderful encouragement.

Wendy:
But, but you know, thinking back to like times when I get triggered by her, I’ll do something or I’ll say something, something I grew up with a lot was the phrase, shame on you. And I realized over the last year, God took me on this cool path to be like, let’s look at that. Let’s pluck that out. Let’s like re you don’t, that’s not how you need to live life. Like you don’t deserve shame on any area of your life. And I realized through a wonderful therapy sessions and some cool stuff that I was like, oh my gosh, this is affecting me in a lot of areas of my life. And then that inner voice, that negative inner voice would also come out. Like either in my head or in real life with my daughter, I went said to her was the one of the worst.

Wendy:
I said, oh, I said, stop being you didn’t. It was like the worst, you know? But it was representative of that voice, right?

Laura:
That was the message you got growing up, right?

Wendy:
Like it was like, I love, I love my parents, but it was like this very common. My, my mom went to Catholic school and that was like the message she got, she said all the time, basically, it was like, shame on you. You should be, you should feel bad about yourself when you make mistakes. If you don’t do something perfectly, a few. And it was just fascinating how I realized just this last year, the age of 42 fricking years old, how deeply rooted in me that was and how it was time to start basically re mothering myself and how much that was going to affect my daughter, especially my son too. But my daughter, especially. So talk to us about acknowledging the

Laura:
Shame stops here. The shame stops with you. Yeah. It stops here.

Wendy:
Hey, parents, listen up. Have you heard about the coolest new interactive learning toys for kiddos called Tonieboxes designed for little listeners ages three plus they are the perfect Storytime companion for tiny hands and active imaginations. The Toniebox is an imagination building screen free digital listening experience that plays stories, songs, and morph that Toniebox comes to life when paired with their whimsical collection of Tonies, which are hand painted characters with hours of stories, to tell worlds, to explore and songs, to sing. Plus parents, you can record and store up to 90 minutes of custom content, which makes it so cool for parents and grandparents who want to connect with their littlest loved ones from near or far.

Wendy:
And let me just tell you, these little boxes are the talk of the town in my neighborhood right now, because a few months back, I had the opportunity to give my son and a little neighbor of pal with a Toniebox, and they both loved them. My son has been listening to dismiss despicable meat and diary of a wimpy kid at bedtime each night. In addition to his nature sounds that he uses to help himself fall asleep. And my neighbor has sent me numerous texts about how in love her son is with his Toniebox. Her exact words were, he totally gets mesmerized listening to his Toniebox. And her texts included pictures of her little guy peacefully, laying down, listening to his car story, which is a big deal since she just had her third child.

Wendy:
And we all know how challenging that season of life can be when you bring home a new baby and you have other children at home to care for it too. Plus I saw firsthand when I watch these little neighbor boys when night, so their parents could speak out for a date night that this toy is so loved and enjoyed. At one point we were eating pizza at the dinner table and our littlest friend who’s a little under two years old, was sitting on his knees and just couldn’t stop wiggling his body dancing along to jungle book while he happily ate his vegetables and pizza. It was awesome to watch. I’m so happy to tell you that Tony box is currently offering our community of Fresh Start Family Show listeners, 15% off a Toniebox starter kit using the discount code Toniepodcast.

Wendy:
You can head to Tonies.com to learn more and get your first Toniebox. I can see this being the perfect birthday gift or just an investment into your own sanity mama. Cause you know, you love it when your kiddo is actually able to entertain themselves. So you can sneak in a hot shower or applies workout. Imagine that, all right, go check out. Tonies after today’s episode, but for now let’s get back to the show.

Laura:
Yes. Oh my gosh. The world will layer so much shame on our girls for their body, their voices. It stops with us. It’s good to recognize those things. And you know, it’s, it’s interesting. You’re bringing up the point here is that when we have unacknowledged and unmet needs of our own, and we’re talking to ourselves in the discipline voice that we heard growing up, right? So if we’re using shame language with ourselves, even when we make a parenting mistake, God, what’s wrong with you? Why would you say that to your daughter? We turn it on ourselves, right?

Laura:
W we do that. That’s the language that we heard growing up. And when we do that, we are missing what our child actually needs. And so there’s this quote that goes is going around, around be the parent you needed as a child. And I always want to change that to be the parent you needed as a child, to your own inner child so that you can parent the child in front of you because you may be, you know, and that’s a similar situation. When you were 13, you maybe needed very specific things from your parents that you did not get. And if we go then and try to give those things to our kids, we may be missing the point.

Laura:
We may be completely missing what that child needs. And so, because we’re clouded by what we needed, what were clouded by our unacknowledged and unmet needs and needs that have been laying dormant for 30 years, they’ve just been sitting around waiting to be seen, waiting to be heard. And then we react from them or from the fear of them or from a place of where we were shamed for having them. And we, and we react, react and projected onto our kids. And this is one of the powerful pieces of re Mothering ourselves. Yeah, it is. I mean, and it’s it’s, but this is, this is what Mothering is in the moment recognizing, wow, who is takes me right back.

Laura:
This takes me right back to this. Or I am feeling this about myself and really starting to acknowledge and meet the needs that we have meeting our own needs. Mothering ourselves means what that sounds like. As you know, I’m frustrated with my kid and they’re showing up in a way that’s really triggering to me. And then it’s taking responsibility for that and turning inward. What’s going on for me? Let’s just check in, well, let’s just slow down and you can say this aloud to your kids. Let’s just slow down right now for just a second. Cause I got something going on inside and it’s getting in the way of me being able to see you clearly. And so just give me a second, let me check in what’s going on for me right now?

Laura:
What am I fear is what am I worried is what am I telling myself? What is the story that’s getting swirling around in here? Huh? And then, I mean, and so in that moment, what do you know, when do you, with your 13 year old, what you were worried about, what you were thinking about, what your thoughts were

Wendy:
When you had that moment in the moment where I said that thing where I sent that thing

Laura:
Thing,

Wendy:
Let’s think again, we’re not going to be,

Laura:
We’re not going to shame ourselves for saying the thing. Right. But I cannot read an act, those patterns, right. We’re breaking it. The shame stops in the generation going through and within us.

Wendy:
And I, I just trip on, like, I I’ve just noticed how much this affects me in like all areas of my life. Like, especially in my business, being an entrepreneur, like building, I am like trying to, you know, I have a goal to build a beautiful movement and empire positive parenting across the world. But heck this gets in the way when you’re like making big decisions and whatever. So back to that moment when it happened, so she was fighting with her brother and I think it was probably like makes life difficult. Like you make, you know, there was like, okay, you make life difficult. Like why can’t our car just be peaceful? Like you’re overbearing.

Wendy:
You’re w you’re overbearing, you’re aggressive. You’re forceful. Which then I went on to do some beautiful work in my life coaching community about being aggressive. And I was like, dang, but so yeah, there was like a tone of like, like you are too aggressive for our family. You’re like, again, you’re so it was like, shame about all that too much. There you go. Yeah. Put it in a nutshell, package it up pretty Laura.

Laura:
Yeah. So, you know, that’s my job, right? You’re too much and too much. What w if you think back, you know, or look inside, because again, many of us do not have memories of our, our childhoods. And I wanna want to reiterate for your listeners too. You do not need memories of your childhood to do this work. You do not because it’s happening in the present moment. So I’m just wondering one day, if you were to like, put your hand on your heart and just with a little bit of curiosity, like in that feeling of, I hear too much, what is, what is the need there? What is the unmet need

Wendy:
For me as a child? Right?

Laura:
So you still wonder if you’re too much. I know I got, I got the message that I was too much all the time growing up. And I still experienced that fear. And I, that fear about my child. I very much, I have one child who is a lot. And I, I experienced that, that echo, we fear comes up of like, am I too much? Is she too much? Are we too much for this world? Are we going to be rejected? Are we going to be shamed? Are we going to be pushed aside? Are we gonna, are we too much? That fear is there and there’s echoes of it. This is why our kids trigger us. Right? Because they’re showing up in a way that reminds us of us.

Laura:
And we lost love during those moments. We became unworthy and unacceptable. We became too much in those moments. And there is an intense and very real fear that our bodies remember. Cause we love our kids so dearly. We do not want that level of rejection for our kids. And in order to keep them safe, we come at them with tone it down. Don’t be too much because we don’t want you to have this pain. And then boom, there it is again, you know? So it’s not like just going back to your chest. I supposed in the too muchness. What did you need? What do you need when you have that feeling of gosh, maybe I’m just too much.

Wendy:
Oh man. I think I just wanted someone to be like, oh my gosh, I totally get you. It makes sense. Why you want me to drop you across the street from middle school? Because I’m driving, grandma’s old, like 76 yellow Nova. I used to call it the banana and it smelled like horrible. And now that Stella’s 13. It’s like, everything is so embarrassing at that age, you know? Like, oh, very vague. Like she brushes her hair like 50 times a day. And if something’s out of place, she’s like, you know, or if I enter the world, I like have the music up, like at all to valid, you know, everything. So in that moment, it’s like just like having a parent, my mom or dad look at me and be like, oh my gosh, I totally get why you want me to drop you across the street?

Wendy:
Like, you’re not too much. You’re not as spoiled brat. Like that makes sense. Let me, let me do it over here in the corner and then run and I’ll go fast and no one will ever see you. And we’d like, laugh about it. And it like, the big thing for me is like, it was, I love, there’s a quote from pink that she had, which I’m like obsessed with pink right now. We’re fricking music. I’m like dying.

Laura:
She only knew better with age. She just, she just, I listened to her and height. Like she just, yes, she is fabulous.

Wendy:
After you inspired me to do the real last week, I used her song and I was like all week just dancing to her. But anyway, she had this quote that she was like, when I was little, my mom used to think that like my bigness was like against her, but really it was like just me being me, like it had nothing to do with my mom. So thinking back to that moment where that was like the age where like my dad and I kind of like, we lost this connection because he started to think that it was like, I, the normal teenage years of like being embarrassed or whatever, all the stuff was like against him. So I think in that moment, it would’ve just been so awesome to have someone be like, oh my gosh, this makes total sense. Like we’re together, I’m here to support you.

Wendy:
This is what happens when you’re a teenager. And no worries. No worries. It’s not like you’re not too much. You’re you’re awesome.

Laura:
Absolutely. Okay. So now I have another question for you when I’m going to take that answer and I’m going to combine it with the answer to this question. So the next question is in that moment with your daughter, when, when she was being too much, when she was being a lot, I always like to say it when you’re being a lot versus being too much, because there’s a value in the two and not so much in the, you know, the you’re just the right amount of much, and you’re much happens to be bigger than others. So, you know, but when your daughter was in that space space, what the, you, the Wendy in that moment, what did that Wendy need? What were the unmatched unacknowledged needs then?

Laura:
What were your worries and concerns for your daughter or for yourself in that, in that moment?

Wendy:
Okay. It’s like that. I’m never going to be able to frickin relax because there’s like chaos all around me all the time with like the amount I work and the amount of like bickering that happens once the kids get in the car together. And we’re just like trying to go get Boba. And there’s like, there’s a lack of peace. There’s a lack of relaxation. So I just needed to be able to like, not have a headache or I just, my I’ve asked what I needed. And, and I, I think that was your question. Like I needed that. And then for my daughter, it was like, oh gosh, I never thought about that. I think I needed for her to like, oh my gosh, this is like a personal therapy session with Dr.

Wendy:
Laura. Froyen her to experience that there is joy in sibling hood. Like my older brother was such a, I love him of course, but he was just, he was a, he was a jerk to me for the moment, you know? Like again, funny, like I can, most things, I turn it into like funny, it’s all good. It’s like older brother stuff. But he, man, he was, he was not the most fun brother to have. And so I think in that moment, I was probably like, you have the most amazing brother. Like, I want you to be able to find joy. Like he’s such a great kid. Like if you can just chill out a little bit, like there’s so much joy.

Wendy:
So it’s like a not, I didn’t want her to miss out on the awesomeness of what it would be like to have a sibling. Cause I didn’t have that joy. Yeah. I didn’t get to experience that.

Laura:
And Wendy, I’m hearing two things here, one there’s this kind of fear and worry about their sibling relationship and you really want a good relationship for them, but I’m also just, I could be wrong, but I, I is, is there a little, an inner part of you, maybe a young part who’s kind of jealous of the brother that your daughter gets, You’re wasting this great brother. Yeah.

Wendy:
Yes I would have. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Like, yes. Okay.

Laura:
So this is what we Mothering Yourself. Looks like. Okay. And we, I use the word to be Mothering cause I’m a mother and this is what I, what I do. But like if three fathering is fine, two reparenting, whatever you want to call it. This is what it sounds like. Then in the moment you, So you close you, I, you hand over your heart. I would close my eyes. Like if this was happening, like we’re driving, I would get somewhere safe, like get to the place and be like, all right, kids just a second, just, just a minute. And maybe they still bicker. I, you know,

Wendy:
The place of this is the big pivotal moment before you tell me this, because I want listeners to really hear this right now. Cause this is the part where it feels like the knee-jerk reaction, that the words come out of your mouth before. Like, you know what I mean? That like, I can’t control myself. I need to tell her right now to stop it. Like, so it’s that moment. It’s like it’s channel.

Laura:
Yes. Right. And it’s in that moment when I like, I need to tell her to stop it. You’re trying to claim peace for yourself by controlling others. And in this moment you can clean peace for yourself by controlling yourself. Like that’s how you claim peace. And so you, I, you know, I don’t know if anybody has ever seen this movie. Oh gosh. I don’t even know if the name of it. It’s a Kevin Costner movie where he’s a pitcher. I totally like a baseball pitcher. And there’s this scene in it where like he’s pitching and he says, cue the mechanism in his head. And like the whole like crowd just goes silent. Like he like field of dreams. It’s not field of dreams.

Laura:
No.

Wendy:
Yeah. I’ll make sure I find it and put it in the Shannon.

Laura:
Yes. When he’s like a famous pitcher and, and he, I don’t know he’s at the end of his career,

Wendy:
But he’s a great visual. Yeah.

Laura:
It’s like, he’s the pitcher on the Mount. And he says, cue the mechanism and it like silences the crowd and he cannot hear it. That’s what you gotta do for yourself. And I, I use like Spanish. I use beneficial triggers for myself when I do this, a pan on my heart. So I practice self-compassion proactively and preventatively. So that in the moment when I’m triggered, I have access to the skill of the, like the pattern, the brain pattern of being kind to myself. And so when I placed my hand on my heart, take that breath. And then you say to yourself, what you need to hear what you needed a compassionate mom to hear. So that might sound something like this.

Laura:
Oh, terrible. And it makes complete sense that you’d be worried about your daughter’s relationship with her brother, that you would feel a little jealous of this amazing brother. And then you’d be worried that she’s going to waste it and not realize how awesome he is until it’s too late. It makes sense that you’d be worried that she damaged the relationship before she had a chance to really enjoy it. And Wendy and also makes so much sense that in the chaos of your day, you just wanted one peaceful moment with your kids. Oh, it makes so much sense that you just wanted a calm, peaceful, happy trip to Boba.

Laura:
You get this yummy tea. You just wanted a moment of peace and joy with your kids. It makes so much sense. And you’re not unreasonable for wanting that. You’re not unreasonable for wanting that at all. That’s what I mean. So the trick here is that I took what little you needed to hear. You’re not unreasonable that it makes sense that you have these big feelings and then added that to the feelings that you’re having in the here and now. And that’s how you, that’s the recipe for the re Mothering. Like that’s what you needed to hear. And then valid Emmy you’re basically just validating your feelings.

Laura:
I mean, the, your listeners, you guys, you all do this every day, every single day with your kids, you see your kids where they are, you recognize what’s going on under the surface, you speak to it, you acknowledge their unmet needs. Oh buddy, you’re having a really hard time. You’re so disappointed. You know, Kenzie got the bigger cupcake and it has more frosting on it. I know how much you love that frosting. It makes sense that you’d feel jealous of how much frosting Kenzie has on her cupcake. Oh, I know. Yeah. I mean like that’s, we do it every day for our kids every single day and tons of little ways we show up for our kids and it’s, it’s just figuring out how we need to show up for ourselves in that same way with that same validation and empathy.

Laura:
And so often, you know, we’ve been taught to rely on other people to get those emotional needs met. We’ve been taught to go to a therapist, which is great and wonderful. Especially as you’re learning to do this or a partner or a friend, we rely, but really it’s we have, we have it all within us. We are the parent that we’ve been waiting for. You know, we can do that.

Wendy:
Yes it’s. So it’s so amazing how every year that I get older and every year that I build this business and help more and more families and go deeper and deeper with my own work myself. It’s fascinating. How much for me the belonging piece is like at the root of so much of like my healing. So yeah. It’s just, to me, it’s just amazing how much it’s all connected with like the shame stuff and just even giving those examples of like the cupcake stuff. It’s, it’s it’s makes sense. Why it so difficult to give that type of empathy and that like you belong here, you make sense, like you are not an alien it’s it’s, it feels hard to give that when you’re not, you weren’t used to getting it because things were just done differently, right?

Wendy:
Like it was just, you have to make a child feel worse in order to make them behave better. That was just the way things were done, like for most of us. So it just makes so much sense why it becomes a difficult if you don’t have that cue the mechanism quite fluent yet. And it’s still like, dude, what were you thinking? Like, and, and for me it’s been so fascinating to see the, the connection to like, not being able to trust yourself. And self-confidence so like, just this last month in my bonfire support program or lesson of the month was all about like how to assume integrity, integrity in our kids. And we did an exercise around like kind of like looking at, you know, maybe a situation where we first kind of started to get those messages of don’t trust yourself.

Wendy:
Like, what were you thinking? And it was so fun to like kind of uncover some things with my, with my amazing group of families that I work with. But it, to me, it translates into like, not being able to trust yourself and thinking like, what is wrong with me? And then as a business owner, I’m wondering like, why it’s I have business mentors that are like, oh, okay. You try to Facebook ads agency for three months. Didn’t quite work out. That’s okay. Now we move on. Now we pivot, we test different things and I’m like, but I made the wrong choice. Like I wasted this money or the self language is just still so gnarly. You know? And so as I learned to clean that up, I realized it permeates like every area of my life.

Wendy:
If I talk to myself, I was like, of course you chose that agency. Of course you loved working with them. Of course you had giant like amazing expectations. Like that was a smart decision. And like that’s part of business, you know, like just, I love that idea of talking to yourself different. So, ah, so good.

Laura:
It’s hard. It’s hard though. Like, it is hard to do when we only know you only know what you know. And so, I mean, that’s one of the beautiful things about what you and I get to do is that we get to teach parenting, right? So that parents are building the skills of being kind, compassionate, respectful parents. And because they are building those skills, then they’ve got a toolbox that they can then turn within and use with themselves. And I do think that this is one of the things that, you know, so for some parents, they, they learned that they learned those skills, they learned the scripts and they’re like, yep, good to go.

Laura:
Got it. Then they’re fine. And they never yell again. They never lose their cool again. I mean, you know, they’re human, but it’s not hard. It’s not a struggle. And then there is another group of parents that I’m one of them where it is hard. It is hard to embody the parenting that we want to do because we’ve got all this internal language, all this internal shame language that you’re speaking to going on in the background, that’s the background processes. And the second we reach our max, the second we’re over the threshold, our brains like to run on default, they like to be efficient. And so the second we cross that threshold where conscious, you know, effort in parenting is too much.

Laura:
We revert back to the old stuff. And so cleaning up, like you’re saying cleaning up that background language is where w you know, is what will take your parenting to the next level so that it feels effortless. So it feels much, much more easy to embody the type of parent you want to be. And what’s great about that is that every single day offers thousands of opportunities. I mean, every single moment is a chance to be kind to yourself, a chance to acknowledge your unmet needs a chance to say like, yeah, that makes sense. That’s hard, that’s uncomfortable, whatever it is that you’re feeling.

Wendy:
Yes. Which then translates to like this confidence of like, and to be the kind of parent who uses what you and I teach families to use as far as like, just connection, respectful, gentle from, and kind tools in their home. Like you got to have confidence and you have to be able to trust yourself and to be able to be different than some of your friends and your family. And like, it is just a trip as I’ve noticed. It was, I mean, I guess it was probably five or six years ago, but I was doing an exercise with my mentor. And it was, it was actually the same exercise I did with my, my, my members this last month. But I told this story of like how my dad and I got into this fight and whatever, he pushed, like we got into like a pushing match because he was trying to take away my TV.

Wendy:
And like I found, like cut my leg and it wasn’t awful, but it was still this memory. And so we did this whole walk through thing and we kind of redid it of like what I needed in that moment. And it was so beautiful. And I remember afterwards saying, cause I’ve always had this beautiful, like resistance part of me, which is why it connects so much for families who are like, are question askers. And they, they pushed back and I’m like, I see you and keep going, like, listen, listen. But I said, okay, cool. This was a great exercise. I’m like, but I don’t really understand. It didn’t really, it didn’t seem to affect me. Like, I’m fine. My dad and I’s relationship is fine. And you know, the classic, like, I’m fine. And I remember by my mentor, she was like, oh, really? You’re fine.

Wendy:
She’s like, how’s your self-confidence. And in the moment I was like, it’s awesome. I was like, I’m like super outgoing. I remember being like, I wear cheetah jackets. Like I am self confident. And as the years progressed, that one thing and she just was like, huh, cool. And that’s all she said. And after that moment, I was like, oh my gosh, I have been noticing how I have actually really low self-confidence in a lot. Like, I’ll make a decision. And for years it was in parenting and thinking of someone judging me, or was that the right decision? Like, should I be like, is this crazy pants to be using compassionate discipline and offering grace to my children when people in my church or wherever, or like just smack on like the messes with you, if you are not a confident, you know?

Wendy:
So like just, it’s just, there’s so many layers of this that is just beautiful. But that was a massive uncovering for me of saying, thinking just because I’m outgoing and I can get on a stage. And like, that does not mean that I trust myself. And I’m, self-confident in every decision that I make. And I really admire people who are able to like speak their truth, use their voice, go against the grain and like do what’s right in their heart, that lines up with their moral character. And so it’s been cool to, to uncover that in all of this as related to it. So

Laura:
Absolutely. And I think like, to be able to be confident in that way, I think self-compassion is a prerequisite for that. Because in order to move through the world with that level of competence, you have to know that if I do make a mistake, if I do happen to be wrong, the world will not end. It will not be because I’m a human who just like every other human on this planet makes mistakes. And just like every other human is worthy of dignity and respect and grace. And that, to me, that like that, knowing that surety of I’m going to go out there, I’m going to live my values. I’m going to do my best.

Laura:
I’m going to do it in the way that’s right. For me. And not from a, not from a hurting or reactive place, but from a true inner knowing that yeah. And that if I screw it up and get it wrong, there’s always another day. There’s always another chance. There’s always repair and reconnection with my kids and, and we just get to be human together.

Wendy:
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Wendy:
And it gives me the ability to call them when they’re at a friend’s house. And I want to say good night, and I love you. Or maybe I’m late to pick them up from volleyball or skateboarding. And it helps me to feel like they’re safe if they’re riding their bikes to school and were to need me at any time. But with Troomi phones, kids are kept safe from the dangers of untethered access to the internet apps and online gaming plus all the other stuff that comes along with regular smartphones. And trust me, parents, there are many the addiction. So many kids have the I-phones and the awful stuff. So many get exposed to from such a young age is something we can all prevent. If we can just find the courage to be different and go the true me route, just head to troomi.com and enter this special code FreshStart at checkout to get this incredible deal.

Wendy:
Okay. Back to the show and that new script. Like, I love that, but the queue, the mechanism, but it’s like going to be the new thing. Laura felt so good. Okay. Well, talk to us about your last piece of wisdom. When it comes to re mothering ourselves around setting boundaries, this is a tough one for many of us, including myself.

Laura:
All right. So you may be expecting to be talking about boundaries with other people, but when it comes to re mothering, we actually need to be much better at setting boundaries with ourselves. So, I mean, from we, we know that kids need from you flexible, but from clearly defined limits and boundaries, they crave it. They need to know that they’re safe. They need to know that someone’s running the ship, that there is a captain that there’s a leader, a confident, compassionate leader in charge. And we have to fully step into and embody that for our kids, but also for ourselves.

Laura:
And so that means that we don’t get to just be impulsive in the way you know, that our kids are, that we have to be kind of the grownup. We have to set firm boundaries with ourselves and kind, and compassionate limits, but really like being real about like, you know what, when I, when I, for example, if I’ve had a long day, let’s say sometimes I record like four or five podcasts interviews in one day on those days, I’m tired. I’m exhausted, emotionally drained. I have to be really aware of my state and what I have capacity for, with my kids on those days.

Laura:
If I agree to wrestling with my kids or agree to playing a certain game, I’m probably not going to be my best self in them. I have a lower capacity. My window of tolerance is lower. And so I need to be really aware of my needs and set good boundaries for myself and say like, you know what, Laura, I know you’d love to be able to wrestle with your kids. And at the same time, you’re really tired. And if you wrestle with them right now, you might be snappy and grumpy, and it’s not going to be a great experience for any of you. And so as much as your kids are going to be disappointed, and as much as you might be disappointed, you need to say no, and you need to sit down and have a glass of a glass of water or a cup tea.

Laura:
And maybe you can read or listen to an audio book with them to connect instead of wrestling today. Like that’s setting a good boundary with ourselves. This is a good internal, like Mothering conversation, right? This is what you would say to a 13 year old. He was like, bye. I want to go out. I know it’s a school night and I know you want to have that sleep over on a school night. Like you have a test tomorrow. And I really, you know, I, I really don’t feel comfortable with that. And it’s hard. I know you feel like you’re going to miss out. It’s really hard and you can be so upset. And at the same time you got a test tomorrow. And I can’t, I can’t let you have the sleep over with your friends tonight with that test coming up tomorrow. Yeah. Someone’s gotta be the grownup.

Laura:
And we ask ourselves, do you know what I mean? So this is when I talk about setting boundaries. Yes, of course. We’ve got to set them with our kids. You, when they are teaching them to set your, your folks have set lovely, wonderful, compassionate limits and boundaries with their kids. We just also have to set them with ourselves too. I mean, and this is true of any interaction. So there’s times with when I’m like grumpy and grouchy with like my husband, because he’s easy to take things out on because he loves me unconditionally. And I know that he does, and I have to sit down with myself and say like, Laura, you’re not speaking to your husband in a voice that conveys how you truly feel about him. It’s time to stop.

Laura:
It’s time to go take a care of yourself. So having to go take a break it’s time to get your head on straight and come back. And when you do, you have to apologize, you got to own it. You know, I mean, this is soft talk. Yes. And then you go back and you say, oh my dear lovely husband, woof. I had a hard day. And that is not an excuse. And I was taking it out on you. And I’m so sorry. Yeah, you do not deserve to be spoken to in that grumpy voice. It wasn’t about you. I’m really sorry, that’s it? This is, this is part of, you know, re Mothering is not all, you know, hearts and flowers and you know, we have to, we also have to step and embody from parent.

Laura:
We have to take that authoritative stance with ourselves. That’s kind and loving. And also like, you know what? We got this, we can do this. We, you know, yes, we’re human. Yes. We make mistakes and we can do better. You know, this, we can do this. We can be who we want to be in this world. And I mean, yeah. I mean, I, I, I did one thing like the other day I was, it was late at night. I got up and as I got up, like a, like a piece of trash fell off of the coffee table and under the coffee table. And I had this moment where I was like a five-year-old and I was like, oh, I see that.

Laura:
I don’t want to do that and walk away and pee. And then I haven’t like, you know, and, and just, I was like, oh, I’ll get it in the morning. I was like, no, Laura, you’re a grownup. If that happened to your kid, if you’re fi if you’re a five or six year old, not to trash on the floor, wrapper on the floor and you saw it, you’d be like, Hey buddy, that belongs in the trash and you’d help them pick it up. Like you got to get up. And I went and I picked it up and I put it in the trash. But then, I mean, it’s just the, I mean, that’s not even like a triggering moment, but like, that’s what we gotta do. We like, we have to be good parents to ourselves.

Wendy:
Oh my gosh, it’s wild. Like just listening to all this. This is one of my biggest struggle. So to speak with like setting boundaries with myself and taking care of myself, I do pretty well with exercise, but I, at this point in my life, like overwork myself and then don’t take breaks. So it’s, it’s so interesting for me to hear this and, and know, like, I can cue the mechanism with the, with the self-talk of like, cause I have a tendency, as I’m thinking about this, as I say, the day goes on and on and on. And I haven’t taken a nap or I haven’t meditated mid day, which I know recharges me. And like, I, you know, we, I, both of us, we do really intense work.

Wendy:
Like it’s no wonder we’re exhausted. Right. But like, I will talk to myself and be like, you’re fine. You’re fine. You shouldn’t need a nap. Like, I don’t know. There’s stuff that happens in there that I’m like, oh, it’s fine. It’s fine. If you just push yourself, it’s fine. Like, it’s not a big deal. Like you have to get this done or this done, or this story or this thing, or now the kids get, need picking up. And like, you need to get back to the Pinterest, whatever it is, you know? Or like, you gotta help that one more client. And it’s just interesting how I’m realizing. There’s a lack of no wonder you want to help all these people. No wonder you want to like record one more podcast. No wonder like you want to get that story done. So people register for the free challenge next week.

Wendy:
Like I get it and you need to take care of your body. It’s not okay that you push yourself.

Laura:
Yeah. In order to serve them, you have to take care of yourself if you want. I mean, these are the things they Wendy, my dear Wendy, I know you have a mission on your heart. You are helping so many people. And I know you want to get this registration page done. So for that challenge for this week, I know. And in order to be able to have the energy, to keep serving your community, you’ve got to take this break. They need you to take this break. You know, they ask, wow.

Wendy:
And that is the, the re Mothering is that, that is, I don’t remember that tone. And that voice being used with me when limits were set. So the re mothering is talking to myself differently with a firm limit, because I think so many people, like so many of us associate the firm limits with like, it was just gnarly. There was disconnection. There was like, if you

Laura:
Punishments, yeah, go ahead.

Wendy:
Yeah. So, no, it’s good. I love it. Interrupt me all you want. So yeah. It’s like this new way of knowing that limits and compassion can coexist in the voice is very encouraging and it’s firm, which is the way we do it with our kids. Like just last night, it’s funny you brought up the, like the, whatever, the sleep over. But I was Terry and I were, we just celebrated our 20 year wedding anniversary yesterday. We had dinner. It was lovely. And we were talking about how an all of our daughter we are and she’s 13. She’s, she’s like just thrive this year in her closet alone in the seventh grade. Like it’s bizarre, but she’s done. She’s done great. She’s been thriving. She’s getting straight A’s she loves school. She loves volleyball.

Wendy:
But we were saying, we’re so grateful that we, we stuck to the firm limit of, she’s not allowed to be on technology at night. Like we know technology in the room, no technology at light at night, like computers, whatever. And she’s pushed it a lot, you know, normal. And we were always like, no, no, no, no, no. From, with the voice, right. Our best or trying our best to just have the compassionate for limit. And, and, and because of that from limit, she made it work everyday. She developed a habit where she did her homework right after school. So she was always done by 3:00 PM. And then she went and did her volleyball and everything. So when she got home, we were able to like have the family time where we watched Jimmy Fallon or shark tank or whatever we want to watch.

Wendy:
But it’s because she was able to, I think, achieve that because of the firm limit. Like if we would have been like, okay, fine, because she would beg and be like, my friends stay up till midnight to do their homework. Mom, what’s the big deal. I’m, I’m 12 and a half hour and 13. Like, this is what kids do. And we were always like, I know, like you care so much about school and it’s a super firm limit. So it’s just interesting looking at that, that example of how strong and firm and compassionate we were with her, how well it worked and then translating that into the boundaries for ourselves. And I can see how using this new re mothering voice, I believe it’s really going to help me set more boundaries and take better care of myself.

Wendy:
Cause it is that point where I’m like, this is not healthy because it’s not good.

Laura:
Right. And I think like, even, you know, so you and I, we have these businesses that are online. Like, you know, I it’s Instagram creeps in like, yeah. And we, we use our tech, you know, but even if you’re not like, So I, the standard parent, I hear, I talk to parents all the time. We were like, Ooh, I stayed up until 11 o’clock on Netflix. I should have gone to bed two hours ago. Like, that’s the perfect time to use your firm boundaries, honey. I know you’re so tired. It has been a year. And it makes sense that you just want to escape into someone else’s world. And at the same time, you know, you’re more prepared for the next day. If you go to bed on time.

Laura:
And so we’re going to watch this one last show, we’re going to finish, finish this episode. Maybe we’re going to set the screen time limits on our iPad, you know, or on Netflix, you know, and we’re going to get ourselves to bed at, at 10. You know, I know, I know it’s hard, but that’s what we’re going to do. We got to do that for ourselves. I think it’s

Wendy:
Like literally wild to hear that compassionate voice. It’s like, I just feel like that’s, life-changing just to try to switch it up and to be in practice because it’s so much more motivating. It actually motivates you to create the positive change you want tomorrow. Like so many of my clients, I know we have to wrap up soon. We’re almost at our hour point. I can talk to you all day. But so many of my clients and myself get stuck in this. Like, you gotta be hard on yourself, you know,

Laura:
Shame ourselves into doing better. And it’s the same stuff. It’s the same stuff that we damaged us in our childhood. And we enacted on ourselves here. Now we, we still think the only way to make a kid change or do better is to make them suffer and feel bad about themselves. And we just do it to ourselves, even though we don’t believe that anymore. We’ve, upleveled our thoughts. We know that no one does better when they’re being shamed, blamed, and guilted and judged into doing differently. We know that yeah. About our kids. We got it about ourselves too. Right. And so this is, you know, circling back to the beginning, the shame stop. Like the shame stops with us.

Laura:
It stops in our generation and it stops within us to now, no know no more. And then it’s F shame languages everywhere. Like you walk in trader Joe’s and there’s like reduced guilt, potato chips. Like, what does that mean? Like why would potato chips guilt on them? Okay. So if you don’t want to eat as many chips, like you can be kind and compassionate and not shame yourself into not eating so many chips.

Wendy:
Oh my gosh. That is so fricking funny. Those chips are in my kitchen right now. What the hell?

Laura:
That no, where there’s, there’s no room for it. There’s no. Like, if, if we want to, we truly want to believe this about our kids. We’ve got to believe it about ourselves. It re like,

Wendy:
Yeah, I am so excited to take this re Mothering conversation and talk and all of this into my day with all of it. And especially this last one around the setting boundaries, like I just had not played around with that yet. And I’m going to do it right after this call. I’m going to go meditate and I’m not going to push myself. I’m going to go take a rest. And it’s going to be lovely to have that re mothering voice in my head and say, this has been such an amazing conversation. Laura, thank you for spending time with us. Like, I just feel like I just got a personal therapy session with you and please tell listeners all the places that they can find you.

Wendy:
And I know you probably have a way for them to, to grab something, to get a taste of what your work looks like. So please tell everybody where they can come get more of your light and your goodness.

Laura:
Yeah. Yeah. So my podcast is called the balanced parent. I’d love to have everybody, you know, put me in their playlist in their queue. You get just weekly doses of compassion and grace basically. And we talked about lots of different topics to a wide range of kind of parenting relationships and taking good care of yourself. But I do have a workbook that I think your listeners would really like, it’s I call it my yelling recovery workbook. And it does walk you through some of these steps, figuring out what’s going on for you when you are losing it on your kids. And we’ll help you develop some of those scripts for the re mothering, the re the being kindness to yourself.

Laura:
So that’s at LauraFroyen.com/yellingworkbook. And you can just go, I think that’s what it is, right?

Wendy:
I think so. Yeah. I have my notes here too. Yes, it is. Yup. Forward slash yelling workbook. And we, of course, we’ll put that in the show notes too. Yeah.

Laura:
So yeah, I think that, that would be the best one. I have lots of workbooks though, like on lots of different topics, but then when I think would be the best for this topic. Yeah. Okay. I was so fun being so much fun talking with like sharing a like-minded space. It’s variable, lovely and affirming.

Wendy:
I know, as, as we wrap up this I’m cracking up. I wish I could like turn my camera right now. I ha I just realized my 80 pound English black lab is sitting next to us, just snoring. And I’m just, I can’t wait to this episode, comes out to see, to know if we can hear her snoring.

Laura:
I couldn’t hear it, but that probably is adorable.

Wendy:
I’m going to take a picture of him and put this in the show notes so everyone can see in case they can hear him. But all right, Laura, thank you again for being here. Listeners, go find Laura, give her some love on Instagram, which by the way, your Instagram handle, I want listeners to go find you there because you are amazing with your reels and your content and your just your fun-ness, if that’s even a word. And I just love, love your Instagram too. So your handle over there is Dr. Laura Froyen.

Laura:
Yeah, just Laura Froyen PhD. Yeah, but if you put in Laura, Froyen just my name and you’ll find me. There’s nobody else with that name. So it’s good.

Wendy:
And we’ll of course, put that, all that in the show notes. Thank you again for being here, Laura. Thanks for having for links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to FreshStartFamilyonline.com/111

Stella:
For more information, go to FreshStartFamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening. Families. Have a great day.

Wendy:
Thanks for listening families. And don’t forget to go save your seat now for the free, Fresh Start parenting challenge. That starts really soon. You can go to FreshStartFamilyonline.com/freechallenge to sign up. And after you do that, I’ll send you a prep kit and be all set to get started with this free five day mini course, that is really going to set you up to feel empowered and confident in the new year as a parent. So head over now to FreshStartFamilyonline.com/freechallenge. And I will see you at the Fresh Start parenting challenge very soon.

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at [email protected] or connect with me over on Facebook @freshstartfamily & Instagram @freshstartwendy.

 

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