Ep. 110- How to End the “Blame Game” with Susie Walton

by | January 4, 2022

Ep. 110- How to End the “Blame Game” with Susie Walton

by | January 4, 2022

The Fresh Start Family Show
The Fresh Start Family Show
Ep. 110- How to End the “Blame Game” with Susie Walton
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Here at Fresh Start Family, we’re here to help you kick off the new year on a positive note in your parenting journey. For our first episode of 2022 – Terry and I have a powerful conversation with Susie Walton, my own personal parenting & life coach through the years, to help encourage you to look at where you might be blaming in your life and consider taking a different approach in the New Year that will bring peace and connection to your heart, home & mind. 

In today’s episode we discuss these 5 Reasons to Ditch Blame:

  1. Blame puts us in a disempowered state & makes us feel like victims.
  2. Blame disconnects us from the ones we love
  3. Blame blocks creativity 
  4. Blame prevents us from getting what we want 
  5. Blame feeds pride

Are you ready for a LIVE & IN-PERSON immersive learning experience with me and some incredible other teachers?
Join me in Carlsbad, California for a learning experience like no other!

** There are very limited spots and they are filling up quick so save your spot now!! I can’t wait to see you!


Episode Highlights:

  • Defining blame
  • Evaluating where you are in your parenting 
  • Switching from a ‘power’ mindset
  • Getting away from victim mentality in your parenting
  • Replacing “you” statements with “I” statements
  • Force vs power (they are not the same!)
  • Taking action now!

Resources Mentioned:


Not able to listen or want to read along with us?

Here is the episode transcript!

Wendy:
Happy new year families before we get started with today’s episode, I am so excited to tell you that registration for the Fresh Start Family freedom to be personal development, life coaching weekend course, my goodness. That’s a mouthful is officially open. There are only 20 seats available. So if you’re interested in pouring into yourself, healing from your past breaking free from limiting beliefs and taking charge to create the best year of your life. Head to FreshStartFamilyonline.com/freedomcourse, to learn more snag a ticket, and you’ll be able to come hang out, live with yours, truly that’s me in beautiful sunny San Diego.

Wendy:
While you expand your heart, learn new tools and strengthen your family. Yes. And please, I hope to see you there. Okay. Enjoy this episode. Well, Hey there, parents, I am so excited that you are here for a new episode. I am your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And today Terry and I have our dear friend and mentor Susie Walton on the show with us to talk about how we can ditch blame in the new year. So we’re going to talk about all the reasons why we really want to lean more into personal responsibility and take a break from blame.

Wendy:
And I wanted to have Susie on the show to talk about this because she has been such a monumental she’s had such a monumental impact on my life. So you’ve probably heard her in other episodes on the fresh start family show. But Susie was my personal mentor when I was first getting into positive parenting and stayed my mentor as a, as my parenting educator and personal parenting coach for five years. And at that point, she then kind of switched into being my life coaching and personal development mentor for the next five years. So for the past decade, Susie has really been just a huge support system to me and I have learned so much. And now she’s just a dear friend and I just love her so much.

Wendy:
And I’m excited for you guys to learn from her today, but I’ll just take a moment just in case you haven’t heard the other episodes. I’m going to take a moment to tell you a little bit more about Susie now. So Susie has been a parent educator since 1991, teaching live parenting courses and leading seminars. Hands-on hands-on workshops, life coaching programs, instructor trainings, teacher in services, and one on one coaching sessions, she has helped over 10,000 families create more peaceful relationships and stronger connections. And is the founder of indigo village, a unique and dynamic virtual community that provides educational and experiential based programs in parenting and child development.

Wendy:
She is also the author of the book, key to personal freedom, how miss affect our family and the creator of the joy of parenting program. Plus she is a course leader of the freedom to be chorus. And she will be teaching with me this upcoming February when we are hosting our first in-person freedom to be personal development life coaching weekend course. And you’re going to hear us talk all about this and today’s episode, but it’s just, I couldn’t be more excited about really launching that in-person course into the world. I know it’s still a crazy time, but Susie and I decided that we are just ready to bless people in an in-person format and we just couldn’t be more excited about it.

Wendy:
So we’re going to be gathering in beautiful sunny San Diego. And you know, you’ll hear us talk about it, but we’re going to be expanding our hearts, learning new tools, strengthening our family right next to the ocean. And I just can’t wait for it. So the thing that I want you to know before we start today’s episode is this idea of personal responsibility really hugely impacted me. I remember when I first started to learn this concept, because I remember back in the day when I was in that very, very stressful season of parenting, that it just felt very out of control. So it didn’t seem like I had a lot of control. I was trying to influence my little strong-willed girl. I was trying to figure out how to make the colicky baby happy and stop crying.

Wendy:
I was trying to figure out how to make my days more peaceful and joyful and all the things, but I just felt like everything was out of my control and what I realized and what you’ll hear me talk about in this today’s episode is that I was filled with a lot of blame about external, whether it was people or toddlers or babies or circumstances, whatever it may be. I just really felt like I couldn’t create the life that I wanted because of other people or circumstances holding me down, which is the definition of blame. So for me, it was a, it was a big, big deal. Once I realized that if I took a step back from blaming and just started to get more creative with how can I take responsibility for what I can change?

Wendy:
I may not be able to control the wild strong-willed little girl I was trying to learn at the time, how do I influence her? Right. I was backing away from control and stepping into learning how to influence. But what I realized is that I could control myself. I did have the ability to control my mindset and shift my thoughts and change the way I talked to people and really take personal responsibility and realize that if I wanted to create the life of my dreams, if I wanted to create a peaceful motherhood day-to-day existence that I needed to take responsibility. So we’re talking about blame today, but kind of the key underlying current is this idea that when you step into taking personal responsibility, it feels so dang powerful.

Wendy:
And that is where I have experienced the most radical change in my life is when I stepped forward and created the positive change myself first, then other people around me that I was hoping might act differently or talk differently. Namely my beautiful, strong, a little girl, it just naturally started to fall into place and the chips just started to align a little bit more. So I hope that helps kind of tee up this amazing conversation today. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you for being such loyal fans and supporters of the fresh start family show. As always, if you haven’t yet, make sure you push, subscribe or follow over on iTunes, leave us a review.

Wendy:
If you have an extra three minutes, it is the best way to thank us for all of this free content that we create for you guys and or come join us for a course. Join us for a program. We have an extensive offering of online courses, online coaching programs. Now we have in-person experiential learning programs and we just want to get you supported and just thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening without further ado. Enjoy this episode.

Stella:
Well, Hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dads podcast. The fresh start family show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean Jesus and rock and roll and believe deeply in the true power of loving kindness together. We hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.

Wendy:
Well, Hey there, families and welcome to a new episode of the fresh start family show. We are here to talk today about how to end the Blame Game. And we have our dear friend Susie Walton with us today from the joy parenting and indigo village. Welcome Suzy.

Susie:
Thanks for having me. You guys, I’m so excited. It’s something about blame. It’s like, I love it. Good to see you so good to see. Thank you, you too.

Wendy:
Susie lives in our town. So we actually get to be together today and see each other’s eyes and faces and smiles and record this episode for you guys today. So we thought it’d be good to kick off the new year with this juicy subject, because how many of you guys have ever thought when it comes to your stresses, your challenges, your drama in the day that it’s your kids, maybe your spouse or your partner. What’s the problem?

Susie:
Oh, that’s the easiest or the traffic, right? There’s so many ways we and blame because it, how could it be me, right? Yes. I mean, I know it is a traffic for real, right? Kidding.

Wendy:
Yes. Right? Exactly. Or the slow car is in front of you, whatever. But yeah, it’s so true, right? It really does feel like if other people in our world or in our lives were just different, then we could actually live the life that we want to live. And so this really is one of those incredible subjects that will really change your life. When you understand how to kind of flip blame on its head and start seeing things and doing things differently. And so this is one of the many concepts and exercises that we teach inside of the freedom to be chorus that Susie and I are teaching together so

Susie:
Exciting.

Wendy:
This is a dream come true families. I studied with Susie for gosh, it was probably three and a half, four years that I studied with you when I was learning positive parenting. And then you invited me into personal development work and basically told me one day, many days, you need to get your stuff read.

Susie:
I do that so often though, you know, I allow parents to come to my courses a certain amount of time. And after I’m like, ah, time to look inside a little bit, you got to look at your kids, kind of look at you, but you went when you jumped into it, when you decided to finally jump into it.

Terry:
No, you said yes. I mean, I remember you were coming home with that. The info to me, you were like, Susie thinks that I need to do this. And I just, just like, I don’t know what I should say. I don’t know what I should say to that, but, but I’m so, and I’ve gone to freedom to be as well and assisted and wow. What a, what a game changer for sure. Yes.

Wendy:
Yes. And so now we are teaching together an actual live in-person class. I don’t care what happens in the world. Suzy, we’re going to make this happen. We are teaching at a beautiful ocean front location, Susie and I are, and Terry are all part fish. So I feel like when we’re near the ocean, we were just like thrive

Susie:
Because our mermaid ness and our Merman that’s comes within us. It’s a perfect blend. So you will have an amazing set of instructors that weekend.

Terry:
Like these people are glowing. Yes. Cause we can see dripping water.

Wendy:
So it’s just going to be incredible. So make sure, well, we’ll make sure we put the link to the registration and the page where you can learn more about freedom to be in the show notes page. So make sure you go check that out. And if you happen to be listening at another time where it’s past February, 2022, just know that we do have an online course available and also a self study online course that is almost ready to be put out in the world. So stay tuned about that. But when I think back to my journey with freedom to be and experiencing the whole course, but it’s particularly this exercise around blame that we do within that weekend together. I just remember I had no idea.

Wendy:
There was no awareness for me that I really was spending so much of my day blaming. So back in that season, when I would come to class with you, you know, I was, I would learn these concepts. And I was like, oh my gosh, I love the idea of this. Like teaching self calming versus timeout or discipline versus punishment. Like any of the things. And then I found myself in the moment when there was like a huge trigger, like, like almost right where you were sitting Susie. I remember the day that’s still a bit Terran in the back. And he was like 11 and a half months old and she drew blood and it was like one of those moments where I was like, Ooh, look there, this child is crazy.

Wendy:
You know, like, this is, I’m sure this is going to work for me. Like, I don’t think these concepts, these concepts are great, but like, I need you to come to my house and you, you would always joke, you can’t pay me enough.

Susie:
I still say

Wendy:
You can’t afford me to come to your house. And I was like, yeah, but I honestly, I really do think that my child is like the, you know, it’s just, I don’t know it’s going to work with her. So if she was less crazy than these concepts would work or she was less defiant or disobedient or whatever. So I didn’t quite realize how much I was stuck on blaming her, which left me no creativity for, to be able to look at myself and ask myself, what was I doing to contribute to the challenges with her. So thank God you really encouraged us. And back then, it’s, this is probably something you made still say too, but you would look at us and say, you need to get to freedom to be, and you have no excuse, unless it’s your child’s birthday.

Wendy:
And even then this will be the best present you ever give to them. So I would reschedule that party or something like that. And it was like the most, it was so beautiful to be around someone that was so confident in the results of a program. And just so I’m firm about it, like don’t beat around the Bush anymore. Like if you want to have fricking change happen,

Susie:
Well, you know what I’ve seen because people like you, Wendy, that kept showing up at classes like help. I realized purposefully, you wanted to be the best parent you can be. So, and I had already learned by doing these courses, like this is a one way to do it, to start looking inside and start checking out what you’re doing to have an impact on what is going on with the kids and all our own issues that we’re bringing out to the table when we have partners and we have kids. So I could just tell him you that you were ready for that next step. Yes.

Wendy:
And that is so true. Right? You do have to be ready. You do. Cause there’s something that clicks. And a lot of times it’s like a really crappy situation that happens where you’re like, okay, I’m ready. I’m finally ready. Like that was so gnarly that my nervous system literally almost had a nervous breakdown or whatever. It may be sometimes it’s those pivotal moments. But, but so today you guys, we’re going to encourage you to really look at where you might be blaming in your life and consider taking a different approach in the New Year. So we’re going to cover kind of five reasons to ditch blame and I’ll kind of read through them. And then we’ll, we’ll talk about each one. So number one is blame puts us in a disempowered state and makes us feel like victims to our circumstances.

Wendy:
Number two, blame disconnects us disconnects us from the ones we love you statements. Don’t motivate people to change or cooperate with us. Number three, Blame blocks creativity, because we get stuck in a scarcity mindset. Number four blame prevents us from getting what we want because we have a tendency to contribute less when we are blaming. And then number five, blame feeds pride, which prevents us from living humbly. So let’s, let’s just start with number one and just kind of have a talk about it. So blade puts us in a disempowered state and makes us feel like victims to our circumstances.

Wendy:
What are your thoughts?

Terry:
Yeah, I mean, I thought just, I mean, just as a good entry point to just this whole concept for me was just understanding that you’re, you’re in a dance in any relationship that you have, whether it’s with your kid, your spouse, your coworkers, whatever, there’s a dance going on. So, cause I think it’s a little, like, I think you get this like reaction when you think of like, wait, I’m blaming it’s on me. You like, you almost start defending being defensive type of thing. But once you understand that, you know that you’re in a dance with these people and it’s, it’s something that certainly you’re like, yeah, I contribute. I contribute. Then you can start thinking about, okay, well what am I contributing?

Terry:
Sometimes it’s in the form of blame. So I think, I think that’s important just to, to point out going into this because that was something for me. And I think when you talk about these instances with, with Stella in particular was like, oh wait, so I have some sort of role in this. Or, or by, by me even engaging in this situation, I’m, I’m, I’m participating. And then of course, then there’s the after whatever situation happens and it’s like, well, it’s all her fault. You know, it’s like, but you have to realize you’re you’re in this, you’re in the dance. So that’s, that’s my first thought, even just going into this and thinking about listeners, who might just be like, wait, what,

Susie:
You know, if you think about blame and the dance, like what a messy dance at becomes, you took people, you know, we all step on each other’s feet and you know, it’s like the Blame Game, right. And there’s no fluidity in the dance because of all the stepping, like the, it it’s a blame, blame, blame, blame, blame. Yeah. And like you’re saying, you know, the whole thing, Wendy about victims it’s the ease is like, it happens so often when we don’t know what to do about a situation, like the say with our kids. So we blame them. You guys stop yelling. I can’t get anything done, you know, cause we don’t know how else to handle it. So we threw out the Blame Game on them and we sound all puffy, but it’s all, you know, coming from a forced place.

Susie:
Not, not true power. Yes.

Wendy:
Yeah. Cause that’s the thing, right. With true power, you know, I was trying to remember, is it the tone of like anger and yelling? I’m pretty sure that it makes us feel powerful in that very same moment that we’re feeling powerless. But when you read, like when you step into actually understanding how to approach you, how to step back from blame and also approach when other people blame you, which is a whole kind of different conversation. But you actually step into that true power of being able to influence someone without that like classic cultural power, that’s deemed powerful. Right. Which is the overpowering, the yelling, the intimidating, that kind of stuff.

Wendy:
It sure seems like that’s powerful, but it’s not working. Right. It doesn’t work. And so then it, then, then you end up feeling like a victim because you’re like, oh my, and then this seriously, the anxiety rises. And you’re just like, how am I going to, I remember I literally used to think like, how the hell am I going to be with these children all day? Like he wouldn’t leave to drive to orange county. And I would just be like, please don’t leave me. You’re like, I have no idea what to do with these. The baby was colicky, screaming all day. Stella was just in this wild season of life and it just felt like I had no control, but that blame of like, if she was less crazy, if she was just easier, it actually put me in more of a, of a, of a victim.

Susie:
Yeah. And somewhere in a victim mode, we expect people to feel sorry for us. So when that doesn’t even happen, then you really feel victimized. Nobody understands my situation. If I even had an inkling of what I go through when he goes to work, you know? And so it’s like the poor me pity gaming. That’s so unattractive.

Terry:
It’s kind of a dead end to know where to go. Right. There is nowhere to go. You’re like, oh, okay. So, so, so what, because I think this idea that there’s going to be some sort of world where there aren’t circumstances is, is not reality. So it’s like, okay. So once you acknowledge, there’s going to be circumstances in your life. You don’t necessarily know what they are. We’re not here to weigh out who has heavier circumstances over somebody else’s but there’s going to be circumstances. So, you know, Blame definitely puts you into this position where you’re like, okay, I’m just going to be a victim. I’m going to stare at them. I’m going to complain, complain about him. I’m I’m stuck. You’re basically just putting yourself into a stuck position.

Terry:
Yeah.

Wendy:
And one of the things we, we spend so much time on during the freedom to be a weekend too, is that, that when you, when you step away from blaming people, you, you get to him, like you get to feel that power of actually changing yourself and the inf the way that influences people is crazy. Like it just, it, not people naturally start to change, right? Like it’s when you’re blaming someone and you’re trying to force them to be different a lot of times, especially if they have a strong, well, they like Stella would write like still a did. She just puts her feet in the mud more. So I just remember that feeling of once I realized that I was at choice with how I acted that I didn’t have to act this way, or I didn’t have to blame her for anything, everything that I just, it felt more free to me because being a strong-willed person, having a strong-willed child, if I feel like my back’s up against a wall and I have to do a, B, C, or D to grill a good human being.

Wendy:
And it feels like, shit, I I’m just miserable. But if you’re like, Hey, here’s your choices. It seems like these aren’t working for you too well. So here’s other ways to influence this other little human being. Hey, parents, listen up. Have you heard about the coolest new interactive learning toys for kiddos called Tonieboxes designed for little listeners ages three plus they are the perfect Storytime companion for tiny hands and active imaginations. The Toniebox is an imagination building screen free digital listening experience that plays stories, songs, and morph that Toniebox comes to life when paired with their whimsical collection of Tonies, which are a hand painted characters with hours of stories, to tell worlds, to explore and songs, to sing.

Wendy:
Plus parents, you can record and store up to 90 minutes of custom content, which makes it so cool for parents and grandparents who want to connect with their littlest loved ones from near or far. And let me just tell you, these little boxes are the talk of the town in my neighborhood right now, because a few months back, I had the opportunity to give my son and a little neighbor with the Toniebox. And they both loved them. My son has been listening to despicable me and diary of a wimpy kid at bedtime each night. In addition to his nature sounds that he uses to help himself fall asleep. And my neighbor has sent me numerous texts about how in love her son is with his Toniebox.

Wendy:
Her exact words were, he totally gets mesmerized listening to his Toniebox. And her texts included pictures of her little guy peacefully, laying down, listening to his car story, which is a big deal since she’d just had her third child. And we all know how challenging that season of life can be when you bring home a new baby and you have other children at home to care for it too. Plus I saw firsthand when I watched these little neighbor boys one night, so their parents could speak out for a date night that this toy is so loved and enjoyed. At one point we were eating pizza at the dinner table and our littlest friend who’s a little under two years old, was sitting on his knees and just couldn’t stop wiggling his body dancing along to jungle book while he happily ate his vegetables and pizza.

Wendy:
It was awesome to watch. I’m so happy to tell you that Toniebox is currently offering our community of Fresh Start Family Show listeners, 15% off a Toniebox starter kit using the discount code Toniepodcast. You can head to Tonies.com to learn more and get your first Toniebox. I can see this being the perfect birthday gift or just an investment into your own sanity mama. Cause you know, you love it when your kiddo is actually able to entertain themselves. So you can sneak in a hot shower or applies workout. Imagine that, all right, go check out. Tonies after today’s episode, but for now let’s get back to the show.

Wendy:
You have lots of choices. I just felt way more.

Susie:
And my freedom to be so important because like for you, at least for me, I didn’t know what, I didn’t know. You know what I mean? I just didn’t know. I didn’t know. Blaming was not the cool thing to do. I didn’t feel good about blaming my kids for stuff, but I didn’t know that it was a symptom of, of low self acceptance and the symptom of not acknowledging mistakes. So, you know, put it on them. Right. Maybe I hadn’t slept enough. Maybe I hadn’t eaten. Maybe I just didn’t know how to parent that situation. So I just did it bad and then they, you know, their meltdowns and then we blame them. It was just, and not mean willing to look inside, like, what do I need to do differently? Like you’re saying there has to be a choice, but we don’t know that for most, most people don’t know that.

Susie:
And that’s why parenting classes like yours and for your in to be, that would be teaching just adds to that toolbox because then as you get to go to bed at night, like, dang, I did a pretty darn good job tonight or today, right? I mean, I have to do a little mistakes, but I own them. I knew the blame, my kid for this. I like, Hey, that’s not your fault. You know, the way I even asked you or the fact that I waited until two minutes before bed to tell you to brush your teeth, like, I need to do some few things different than this. Oh my gosh.

Wendy:
I love it. Like emotion just comes over me. Cause as I sit here with you, so Stella’s 14 now. And I came in to class with you when she was three, right? Three. Yeah. And it’s like that. You probably taught me that. Right. Like 10 years ago. And now I was telling my students a few months ago, a few weeks ago, I am living that now. I literally live that. Like I screwed up so bad was still in last week. Oh my gosh. She let the puppy out of the car. And she was just having a thing. I’m not going to go into the whole thing, but I freaked out. I yelled. I said, we’re shaving statements. And later that night I was able to like look at it and be like, oh, like here’s what happened.

Wendy:
Here’s why I was probably triggered here’s the emotions, all the thing. And then I was able to have the most incredible conversation with her after a very messy afternoon. And as I went to bed that night, Stella and I had the most connecting hour together that we’ve had in a long time. And as a teenager, you know, that’s a big deal. I was like cherishing every second of this conversation with her and I did, I went to bed and I was like, well, I sure messed up today, but I still did a brilliant dang good job. And I feel really great about myself. And I’m just, I’m just really happy as a mom, I’m happy and I’m not perfect, but I’m happy. And we’re doing great. You like that? That was the exact what’d you put into words, but 10 years ago, that was just like, I had no idea what that even maps like 10 years later.

Wendy:
And you were just such a big part of that. And I just love you. Wow.

Terry:
Thank you. When you would have missed out on that, you know that it was over an hour, you guys just sat in here and you guys just talk to each other and it wasn’t about like, I think it was water under the bridge, like what happened that day, but she just wanted to continue to talk to you. You would have missed out on that. If it would have been the old mindset and the old toolbox, it would’ve just been like you would have been instead upstairs with me telling me how difficult Stella is.

Wendy:
Yeah. Well, and in that moment, in that moment, in that conversation, in that like making amends together, the repairing the relationship that we had, if I hadn’t have had the tools to not blame her, then that would not have happened. Cause it, and we’ll get to, you know, the humbleness and stuff. But everything that I learned with you in parenting class and through freedom to be helped me to come to the table that night and do exactly what you said, like, Hey, that was super messy. This all happened, but I’m not blaming you for everything. And I’m not blaming you for anything. It’s like, you did this, you did that. You made mistakes. You had me, I made mistakes, but together we can make different choices tomorrow.

Wendy:
And, and, and I think it’s important to talk about Blame real quick, just to kind of define it because I think it can get confusing in parent’s head when they’re like, no, he did just punch his brother. I’m blaming him for punching his brother. He did just punch his brother. But I think what we’re talking about when it comes to blame is when we believe someone else is responsible for our problems or the cause of our difficulties. So there can still be messiness. And we are at choice with how we, we see it, how we handle it, how we problem solve, how we make amends, all the things. But it’s, it’s different than actual things happening. It’s it’s you are the cause of my problems and my stress.

Wendy:
And if it wasn’t for you, then I would be, you know, that’s the way I think of it. I would just be this calm, like Zen, Zen mom. But because I have a strong-willed kid that always puts like, it’s that’s, that’s what we’re talking about. So, okay, well let’s move on to number two, blame disconnect us, disconnects us from the ones we love you statements. Don’t motivate people to change or cooperate. I love this. You taught me this Susanna. And now I teach it to all my students to replace you with. I write and I statements are a way of asking for what you want. Like, or I am not okay with that. I’d like you to do the dishes instead of like, you were always fricking making fun of your brother.

Wendy:
You never contribute in the home. Those use statements. Really? They, they make people not want to set you up for victimhood. Yeah. You need to stop

Susie:
Yelling or hitting your brother. Basically. You need to change to make my life better. So it rolls us right back to I’m the victim of this circumstance, right? Yep. And modeling, like you want to remember that 95% of what our kids learned is what we model. So we’re modeling to our kids that other people are responsible for our happiness. You need to do that and you need to do that. Versus when you’re, like I said, I statement, I’m not comfortable with what’s going on with you two right now in the fighting. I am now teaching our kids when they’re out in the world. If they’re having a problem with the situation to say, I versus you, because people are like, I don’t need to do anything. You tell me, like, what are you saying? You needed, I don’t need, you need to change.

Susie:
And you know, and then that starts, that disconnect that’s keeps us from being close with people.

Wendy:
Yeah. And it really drives the S the strong-willed ones, especially like, they just, I’m just going to drop Suzy nuggets, all of the, all the time, again, like everything is in this room. Terry, I remember like sitting on the floor with this, like, I feel like Tara must’ve been a baby. Yeah. But we were sitting right over there and I’ll never forget, David Susie was like, we’re on a phone call with you. And you were like, Wendy and Terry, when are you going to learn that this child hates being told what to do? And I was just like, what the hell are you talking about? Like I had to tell a three year old what to do. And you were like, how are you going to do it differently? Like you were just so like, when are you going to get the memo?

Wendy:
Like stop giving her commands, stop telling her, like you do this, you do this, you do this. And, and it was just one of those pivotal magical moments. And I’ll never forget it. Right? Like, it was just like, dang. Once I got the concept of, it’s not permissive to, to back away from like those heavy compliance statements, but an I statement versus a use statement is a great example of that. But Stella, when you tell her what to do with it, especially with the, you, you need to put on your shoes now, she will just like, not really, but she just kind of flips you the bird with her eyes or whatever it may be. And she just pushes back. She’s just going to push back. You can count on that.

Susie:
How about YouTube and relationships? I mean, yeah. Versus a you.

Terry:
Yeah. No, it’s it, it definitely when you’re, you know, you’re sharing space with people. I mean, there’s, there’s things that are like, I always like put in the true relationship category and then there’s like roommate stuff and, you know, roommates stuff is like, everybody’s got their own way of doing things. But like, yeah, if it’s like, if it’s like, you need to do it this way, or you need to do this or that you write, you’re just kinda like, you don’t know what I need to do. Like I’ve got my own list going on. So yeah. It puts you on your heels a little bit. I mean, I think it’s delicate either way. I mean, even when you do say, like, I find that when I load the dishwasher this way, it goes much better

Susie:
Under the table. We use the word without,

Terry:
So I was just putting that as like a qualification. Okay.

Susie:
But people do that and that’s, yes. That’s not what we’re looking for here. You’re not the boat. I’m sure that never happened in this

Wendy:
Literally a Saint I’m the one who does everything wrong. But no,

Terry:
Yeah, that recorded right now. This is very, very good evidence.

Wendy:
Like we know we had a good like disagreement and like, notice how I say good, because you know, disagreements are part of life, right? Like they’re just going to happen and you want to make them good to the part where you’re able to talk. And even if it’s messy, like come to a conclusion and hear each other out and hold space and all the things. But we did have a good conversation that night. And even though it was intense, you know, I can think of moments where I might’ve been like you, you know, I went on that side and I could feel you’re like, ah, like you’d never really flare up that much. And that night there was some flare up a little bit with like, are you freaking kidding me? Like, so, but I could feel it that it was probably the way I had said it was like you.

Wendy:
Whereas if I change the way I communicate and I’m like, Hey, I feel scared. Or I feel hurt when this happened. And I’d love for you to ask me, or I’d love for you to give me space to work this out, or I’d love for you to trust me that comes across. And I remember in that night it came it when I switched it up or like, it’s, it’s good for me to, to have those moments when I’m like, that did not work well, but the second half of the conversation was better or something. Does that make sense?

Terry:
Yeah. No, it does. I think, especially when you’re like approaching somebody or you’re approaching, like how, you know, you need to talk to them about something starting right in with a, you feels like you’re just kind of, oh, I’ve been stewing on this thing and I can’t wait to tell you what you’re doing wrong, you know? And nobody’s going to receive that well, and if somebody isn’t ready to, or just doesn’t, you know, they’re not there to like, oh, you know what? You just took, took it, ran out of my mouth. I’m ready to tell you in an apology for something. If they’re not ready to do that at that moment, that’s not going to help you either.

Terry:
So yeah. I think expressing how you feel and finding some sort of bridge into what the, what you’re trying to talk about without starting with the, you is hugely beneficial in relationships.

Susie:
It’s like be vulnerable, like start off with vulnerability. I’m feeling scared. I’m feeling even I’m so uncomfortable right now. Even having a conversation with you right now, because you know, I know we need to, but it’s just, it’s not my comfort zone to have conflict. So hang in there with me then you’re like, okay, come on. I can help you with this versus listen, buddy. We need to talk because you had been doing this and that’s that disconnect again. We’re men. And we started pointing fingers. It’s a true disconnect in any relationship

Wendy:
And so trail, so good.

Terry:
Well, it’ll just tune out. And it also feels like, you know, when I was describing it as a dance, it just, it comes across like, oh, you’re, you’re, you’re in no way involved in this at all. Like it’s just me doing my own thing here

Susie:
To take two people that

Wendy:
Okay. Yep. Yeah. So good. Okay. Number three, blame blocks. Creativity, because we are stuck in a scarcity mindset. So it’s like, I always, I always think of myself, right? Because I had plenty of moments where I spent out there less and less nowadays, but at least like now I’m able to catch myself, right? Like that’s the beauty. And we’ll talk about self-awareness versus self. Like what self-awareness and self-acceptance here in a little bit, but to have both is so important. So, but the awareness, what I’m talking about is when I spin out in Blame in my head, there is no space. Like I am a, I am a busy person. I have a tendency to pack my schedule.

Wendy:
Like I pack, like I just live in life, man. There’s a lot of good stuff, but my mind is also very full. So if I’m like stewing over a problem and I’m a hundred percent focused on all the reasons why this person is like making my life miserable or a pain in the ass or not listening, or if they were just better, all these things, like there’s literally no brain space for creativity on how I’m going to approach them differently or try a new tool or call the mentor that I need to call or buy the course that I’ve been considering that’s on sale this week or whatever it may be. There’s just no space for it. Like I’ll never forget one of my weekend courses when I was training to become a life coach, the, the intention that I walked away with that was set for me in the beginning.

Wendy:
And then I walked away with was like the empty. It was something like the empty chambers of your, your brain is where like your answers lie. So if you can like read like clear it a little bit and just stop focusing on how much the other person is making mistakes or doing whatever a lot of us are thinking about our kids right now. It just opens you up to creativity.

Terry:
Yeah. Yeah. I think by diving into the blame, like you think somehow it’s taking the weight off of your shoulders. You keep thinking, it’s going to give you some sort of relief and maybe it does give you just this little ounce of a relief, but then it comes just right. Flooding back to you. So it’s like one of those things that we do as human beings, just to like, I think this is going to make me feel better. Or like you said, like, if somebody’s gonna rescue me here is if something had happened, but it, it doesn’t really ever take it off of you. So it’s like, yeah, if you can, like you said, like get to that empty space in your brain, or just get to a place where you are more solution-based or have a little bit of creativity or access the tool kit that somebody has blessed you with or, or some other resource other than this one tool you’re gonna just, you’re not going to live life, just running up against these same things.

Susie:
Because every time we blame, we’re basically the cases closed. Yep. No time to look inside, to be curious and creative, what to do differently. Right. So case is called move on. And that’s going to repeat again, and it’s going to be cases, you know, blame, the case is closed. So it’s just, you know, stop block turn right now. I love it. Block stop. Well, I’ve heard it, you know, on any kind of creativity or, you know, solutions to any situation

Wendy:
Ryan’s smear. We had a coat, a set of coaching calls that we had after the last freedom to be online course. And one of the students other day, she was just like, I’m so stressed about how her little girl, her little like five-year-old is super loud. And sometimes she wakes up the baby and she just like loses it. I remember that season, right? Where you’re just like you in wake up that baby, you smell like, never like, oh my gosh, we get so angry. But anyways, but we, you know, we were brainstorming and doing some stuff, but obviously, I mean, she was working hard to get out of the blame state and get into the creative state, but she was working through it.

Wendy:
And the very end, I was like, Hey, she has five and a half. She’s probably old enough to maybe start like playing with B bubble gum to be able to see if she could make, learn how to make bubbles. And cause that’s a very quiet activity. It might buy you 10 or 15 minutes. And the whole crew was like, oh my gosh, that’s such a great idea. And it’s like, I never even ever thought of that. And as a game to keep a child quiet, but the only reason I was able to access that creativity because I wasn’t blaming, I wasn’t her. Right. It’s, it’s always easier when it’s not your kid, but creativity is just like one of the most wonderful tools we can have as parents. And it comes when you’re able to detach and stop blaming. I do not conduct.

Terry:
I think detachment is a, is a great go-to like thing just to like back you out of that corner for sure. And I even liked what you said. It’s like, it’s always easier to, you know, if, when it’s not your kid, if there’s some way just to say, okay, what would I do if this was my best friend’s kid, what would I do? Or what would I do if I was talking to my younger self or what, like whatever it is, there might be just some little thing that just like backs you out of that corner. Even if it’s just for a second and you can make,

Susie:
And sometimes we can’t even go there. Right? Like I remember one of my kids got picked up at shoplifting at Nordstrom’s. I love that story. And I was, I was, you know, I, I was, it was unbelievable. I’m like, are you joking? Me? And I was just starting to teach parenting. So I’m like, oh, this is great on my resume. I care to be on a headline. So my kids shop living at Nordstrom and I’m trying to, you know, anyway, I couldn’t get myself out of it. I was so mad and I, my stories were ridiculous. So I started calling friends like, what do I do? And they’re like, you’re the parent educator you should know there. And I’m like, not in this moment. I am the parent and I want to kill him. Right. So when I’m saying that for us, sometimes we just, we just can’t get ourselves out of it.

Susie:
The best thing you can do is call someone or talk to your partner. Don’t think you guys have to do this alone because in those moments, you’re not going to go anywhere. It’s you don’t want to stay down that, on that road for too long. So be okay, reaching out to somebody, you know? And that’s why all you out here listening to this right now, you know, you can call Wendy and eight time.

Terry:
Well, that’s so important to you. Cause sometimes the blame, the blame guns gets pointed at everybody. So it’s like, you could be dealing with something with your kid, then the person who’s sitting right next to you, your partner or your friend, whoever it is, a lot of people just go right at them. And then like, it’s like, if they don’t empathize with this victim hood, boom, I’m just going to blame you for not understanding where I’m at or whatever. And then it’s like, there’s no end. Instead of just saying, this person might be the one who helps me just back out of this, you know,

Susie:
Detached.

Wendy:
Yeah. I love that story too. It’s like, I wish we could have all day to tell it.

Susie:
What were they shoplifting with again? Oh my God. They’re boys. First of all, first day of school, they get some Jordans or say got some jeans, but you know, they’re so bad at shoplifting. They just carried them out in arms. Like they don’t even have like, girls are so much sneakier than boys. Boy, you guys are like deer in the headlights. Oh, let’s take some stuff. They won’t know as we’re walking out. Oh, I didn’t know. When I talked to him about the whole thing, he didn’t have, he had no idea it was going to impact me. He just thought, you know, his dad hadn’t given him as much money as he wanted. So screw him up shoplifts. And at the high school, they there, they’d heard so many stories of people shop lifting. They thought it’d be a fun thing.

Susie:
You know? Great adventure, give it a shot.

Wendy:
Yeah. It’s basically a pastime and starting in middle school, like I’m aware of this now I became aware of this lately. And I’m like, dang, that’s wild. Like that is just some of the, you know, they just were like, are you going to do today?

Susie:
Which is not unusual because when kids become teenager, that risky part of the brain unleashes itself and every teenager’s brain is telling them I won’t get caught, you know? No one’s going to catch me. That’s not going to happen to me. And it’s and that’s normal developmental stage. So yeah. You, with these shoplifters out there like me, it’s not the greatest thing to do, but it’s normal. Not that every kid’s supposed to do it, but it’s just that part. Like, I can do this. No one’s going to catch me. They don’t go to the place about, is it a right or wrong thing? Yeah.

Wendy:
Well, and the story is just so beautiful. Cause I remember you said, you know you on the way home, you were so you’re as fire coming out of your head and you were just like, I am, I can’t even talk to you right now. Cause I don’t want to say something. I’m so like, I’m so angry. We’ll talk about it later. And then I remember later in the story, you said somehow after you came together, something, after you had taught and talked and, and all the things and they did their, they had their logical consequences and all the things they had told you that wasn’t, it like that all their friends got reamed on the way home. Like they,

Susie:
Because it’s the front of the shop live without reamed. Yes. Got grounded for three months and I didn’t even talk the whole whale. He’s like, why aren’t you talking? I’m like, cause if I do, I’m going to cry or yell, I’m just gonna stay quiet for awhile. And then we had that great conversation.

Wendy:
Right. And yeah. And so it was like a really connecting conversation.

Susie:
Right. But he had no idea. It would have that impact on me. Yeah. Like he loves me. He wouldn’t, he wouldn’t do something that just made a mistake, want to hurt me. It makes me feel bad. So that part was so beautiful.

Wendy:
And that conversation that you guys were able to have versus the like screaming, yelling, screaming, reaming, grounding was so much more monumental for this young man’s life. Right. Like I see it all the time and kids like the ground, the ones that it seemed to be going astray already, it was Stella’s buddies. They it’s consistently like punished all the time either. It’s the e-bike or the phones or the groundings. And it’s happening a lot to already, but it’s not working

Susie:
Just so you let you know, he didn’t go to shoplifting school. And they had that, the courts have that for kids. And he had to pay $250 to Nordstrom’s and they write a sex. Six pays S S a what stealing does to a family business. So there was a lot of consequences already put in. I didn’t have to put a consequence in. Right. He had it, he had to go through all that himself, which sometimes parents want to throw more. And then that becomes, well, you don’t care. You don’t understand. You don’t love me. So I didn’t have to do that. I left the court to do the talking and then they get

Wendy:
Better at hiding it

Susie:
If you are yelling.

Wendy:
Yeah. So, but to do it in a connected way,

Susie:
But have consequences from the source, which was Nordstrom’s. Yep.

Wendy:
Yep. Oh, that’s

Susie:
Such a good story. God, it seems like it was yesterday.

Terry:
We actually already do a whole shoplifting episode listeners.

Susie:
Let’s see. Who is the best stories?

Wendy:
Oh my gosh.

Terry:
What’s the statute of limitations on.

Wendy:
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Number four, blame. This is along the lines of our last one. Blame prevents us from getting what we want because we have a tendency to contribute less when we are blaming. So yeah, it’s, it’s along the same lines as the last one we just talked about, but we’re less likely to change what we’re doing or talk to somebody different or be willing to contribute when we think it’s all somebody else’s fault and that we are it’s.

Susie:
Well, the thing is what we want when it comes to our partners, colleagues, kids is connection. Yeah. So the blame there’s no, we can get connected if we’re blaming, it’s such a disconnect, you know? So the more we keep it up, the more distant you become with your kids, the more distant you’ll become with your significant other or your coworker. Like it’s just not a pretty thing at all.

Wendy:
Yep. Yeah. It’s like, I’m sure so many people are listening. I’m thinking about like my spouses and onboard. Right? I know you get the question. I get the question all the time. It’s like, well, positive parenting actually work. Do I even have a chance if I’m learning these things, I’m trying to change it up. We’ve stopped or I’ve stopped spanking. And I’m trying to do all these things and all the things. And my, my spouse is just like not on board, right? So it’s, it’s an, it’s a whole another conversation. However, we know that they don’t respond when you blame them for the difficulties, are there for future forward progress with your kids. Like that’s just a surefire way to have them resist the change even more.

Wendy:
Would you agree?

Susie:
A hundred percent. That’s why we tell them, do what you do. What you know is best for you. And if it’s working, there’s a really good chance that your is going to jump on board, but not if you tell him or her, you need to do it like me, I told you I was right. I took, you know, someone’s class and this is what I always told you, you know, that’s not going to work G model not preach.

Wendy:
Yeah. Or even the reason why this isn’t working is because of him. Right? Like I believe, I believe that if you are learning and growing and in a community and being supported and really approaching your kids in a way that’s connection based and all the things we learned, right. Whether it’s with joy parenting or, or Fresh Start Family, whatever it may be. It’ll it like, I hate using the word work in air quotes, but it’s, it’s not, it’s like, we don’t need to blame somebody for it. Not working. If it’s not working yet, then you just need to stay supported and stay the course and keep learning and working on it.

Wendy:
Disagree. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Susie:
You do. And Terry, to agree on everything.

Terry:
I wouldn’t say we’re the same person. I mean, I think we have very similar core values and, and, but I would say we’re totally different people. And I think we have different stages of like getting on board with certain concepts. Like, you know, she might lead something and then I might lead something and then we have to help each other. Kind of understand it. So there’s like this kind of dance. I, yeah, there is, you know, so not everything is immediately like, yep. You just finished my sentence. Like, but I think with some explanation and an open mind, and I think that’s kind of what you try to keep here with anybody that you’re dealing with, whether it’s your kid or your spouse or your partner, whoever is like your intention, keeping your intention in mind is you want them to remain open.

Terry:
Right. So what are the things that you could do to continue to keep them open? Doesn’t mean that they might not take a little while to like be at the point you’re at, but if your intention is just to keep them open, don’t shut them down with just blame with blame or with a few choice words or things that like are sure fire away just to make them closed. And then you’re back to square one or even behind at that point.

Wendy:
Yeah. I’m thinking in my head of like how many conversations for years did we have? And I was like, Hey, like we tell you about Jesus, Jesus loves you drive near zone. And you’re like, be happy. I’m not now. And you know, and I, you know, and thinking of blame, I could have easily been like, well, cause I would cry and I get upset and I could have easily been like, you’re like making me like you, I can’t relax. I can’t be in this relationship if I know that, blah, blah, blah, any of the things, but we just held on and, and years later you were like, Hey, I love, I love God. Hey, I wanna, I want to get to know Jesus. And then,

Terry:
You know, the battle and demon had a few more like dragons is a slave, like I’m busy over here,

Wendy:
But then years later you were like, Hey babe, you should really get into body surfing. Here’s some fins. And I was like, hell no, you could have blamed me for having to go. And my point is,

Terry:
Hey Jesus, and body surfing big things around here. Big things. Those are pillars. They are serious. I know

Wendy:
For years I went to church alone. He was out there alone and blaming each other or you know, trying to make each other do it. But, but we wildly affected each other because you came to know the Lord. I am like, I’m literally thinking about giving up surfing to become a full-time body, but yes, in a relationship it’s so important to look at and realize that Blame doesn’t work to influence somebody, whether it’s with your kids or with your, with your spouse. Well, Hey there families, I want to take a moment to tell you about Troomi wireless and why I am so excited to be teaming up with them to support you and your family.

Wendy:
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Wendy:
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Wendy:
Okay. Back to the show. Okay. Last one blame feeds pride, which prevents us from living humbly. So I’ve been learning, I don’t know that much about the Enneagram, but I have been learning about it. And it found out that I was like this two wing three, whereas pride is my biggest, like thing like pride. And I’m like, okay. So it’s like, I’ve been on the lookout of where that showing up, like, so I can just chill a little bit, but yeah, pride being the opposite of humility.

Wendy:
And I know for sure, for me, I know for sure, for me that when I approach the kids with a humble heart, especially after we’ve had a messy situation and I can look at where I contributed, they respond so well, especially as Della, like that, that situation we were just talking about a week ago. She, well, she is actually to the point now, which is so, so wild. She’s the one. And it’s actually been happening for a while. Now. I know you guys I’m like this positive parenting, Wendy, you always have, but I’m like actually kind of a little crazy really, but like I’m a little wild and like I make mistakes and, and she has been consistently coming to me for two years,

Susie:
Came from Terry’s genetic makeup. Oh my God. I think I told you that when she was four, you talk about Eric when she was four, Alex, you sound like you’re twins and you still sound like you’re twins.

Wendy:
I know, but she has been consistently coming to me really for the last few years and, and being the one who drives the repair, being the one who comes with a humble heart and is like, Hey mom. So last week is another example. Hey mom, I’m doing the dishes. And I’m kind of like, whatever, we can just wait till later. Like I’m still just a little, little Stewie about it. And she’s like, Hey mom, can we call him the playroom and talk? You know? And then as soon as we come in, Hey mom, I’m just, I going to let you know that I’m so sorry. Like, I’m so sorry about what happened earlier. And I realized how that came across and just the humility that that child has is so beautiful. And it it’s just so connecting when someone isn’t like, Hey, well, the reason why I did that is because you didn’t tell me that the dog was in the back and you know, like it’s just as so.

Wendy:
And so it just like immediately

Susie:
Causes you model it enough now. So

Wendy:
I guess I have some, I mean, I mess up a ton, but, but then it instantly causes you to return the humility, right? Instantly you’re like, honey, me too. Like, I am so sorry. And I got the beautiful opportunity to tell her that she never deserves to be yelled at that there is nothing wrong with her. Or even though my phrase I grew up with was what the hell is wrong with you? Or shame or shame on you. And so I had to have this, I got to have this beautiful conversation with her. That’s like, when I say those things like that is just me still trying to shake a habit of like expressing anger or hurt in a way that is just very like, like protection, like, or there’s no space between the stimulus and the response.

Wendy:
And it has nothing to do with you. You are perfectly designed with that personality and don’t ever change, like do not ever change. And you are just, I’m just in love with you and all the things, but, but the humility is like a super power. And I think it just brings people together and causes, causes people to just really want to cooperate with each other and connect and all the things. But it is the opposite of,

Susie:
Well, again, pride disconnects. Yeah. Humility connects. Yeah. Saying anytime we open our heart, there’s that automatic connection. It’s, you know, it’s just how it is. It’s that quote that says what comes from the heart goes to the heart, you know,

Wendy:
Why do you think it’s that? Like so many parents and culture like makes us think that it’s weak. Like, you know what I mean? Like humility is not taught in. Like, if you were just to take your hand me down parenting tactics and never go to a parenting class, like, and ours, mine, it’s not, it’s not taught that it’s a super power. Like it is taught as weak, right? Like if you have to show them who’s boss, if you let them think, like, if you let them think that you’ve messed up or you’re not perfect. Not that that said, but why is that?

Susie:
It’s, it’s old stories. That’s what, we’ve all, you know, it’s what people have grown up with. It’s from the world of autocratic. You have to show them you’re the boss they’re the kids would be seen, but not heard. And we had this whole idea that, you know, force is what we need to use. The, they call it power, but we know it’s not it’s force. And

Wendy:
That’s the only way it works. Right. And I

Susie:
Wrote about this in his book, children, the challenge that all our courses are based on Rudolph’s book and his student asked them, like, you’re talking about democratic parenting right now. Like, no, one’s going to parent like that. No, one’s going to ask a kid, Hey, what do you think? Or give them a choice. And tracker said, this was in the fifties drag. You say, you’re right, right now, it’s not happening. But he said it with the equality that’s happening, taking place in the world between religions and you know, people then now like the next thing is, kids, families are going to have to start shifting. There’s going to have to be more equality and not to say, you know, but in a parent child relationship equality, right? So he just was so way ahead of his time.

Susie:
And you know, so things are shifting and kids, the two components, all our kids need today is to be parented with truth and respect. That’s all we’re asking and not fear-based respect. You respect me. I will be right with you. But if you respect me out of fear, you can expect me not to be even close to me, wanting to be connected with you and to be truthful. And that’s when we’re saying, Hey, this isn’t working for me. Let’s get some other ways of handling the situation. So I’m not yelling at you and you’re not yelling at me, you know? Cause this Blame Game is crazy. Yeah,

Terry:
Yeah. Yeah. I think a parallel to, you know, how Susie answered your question of like, you know, why, why do we think that is, is like, I feel like there’s this survival kind of mentality just in general. That’s like, okay, I have to, you know, be powerful or, you know, pave my own way or do this in order to survive. And blame is one way to do it. It’s like pointing out, I’m doing everything right. It’s these people get out of my way. I’m going to just kind of plow through on my own where, you know, you see how that works. I mean, that’s how wars are started, you know, and look how they go And often how they never end.

Terry:
And so, whereas the opposite approach is, is like, what if I just sat down here and just heard somebody out or talk to them or was confident enough in my own too many? Or even just to say like, just to, just to be just to like, not even have to like defend and just to, if, if there, if there is something going on just to state the facts and emotionally, and just go with an intention that you want the other person on the other end to remain open and that you’re going to walk out of there with some sort of an understanding. And even if that doesn’t come right there in that moment, the understandings that’s the end goal is the understanding, not just to walk over them and keep moving with your way or the highway,

Susie:
You know, and you’re talking about survival, I’m thinking like my parents and there, I mean, how many, if you guys grandparents, you know, went through the great depression. I mean, yeah, there are, there’s so many generations of just pure survival, where are they going to get their next meal? You know, are they going to be warm enough? There’s no, you know, there wasn’t heaters back in the day, you know? And so it was like, survive, survive, survive. And they was just, you know, everything was survival mode and now it’s moving into like, yes. And though it doesn’t need to be the way we parent or the way that we do relationships. I mean, you know, it’s very clear. You don’t have to do relationships though.

Wendy:
Yeah, absolutely. Well, and so much of what you were just saying is, is really the act of holding space for someone, which is something that we will really explore more in the freedom to be course. So I’ll just, I’ll read you just a little bit about what holding space looks like. Cause cause it is in relationship to when you let go of blame and you step into holding space for someone. So I’ll read a little bit about that and then we’ll go on to the last things that we want to bring to you as some tips to escape the cycle of blame and we’ll cover those quickly. Cause we’re going to, we’re going to go into more at freedom debate, but holding spaces, the capacity to approach a difficult situation from a place of peace, not necessarily calm from the awareness that we, all of us are so much more than our crappy behavior.

Wendy:
It is the capacity to take the moral or virtuous lead in a situation and to not get lured into the negative energy holding space means refraining from judgment, giving advice, fixing, and often even commenting. It means generously listening to what the other has to say. It is important to hold space for yourself as well. Not judging the thoughts that come up, but just letting them go and operating from your magnificent, magnificent self. And that’s just like part of what, you know, just like kind of a teaser of what holding space looks like, but that’s a game changer with relationships and kids and it is a practice for sure. So, okay guys, well, let’s finish off.

Wendy:
I’m just going to read you some tips that we have for you. And then we’ll kind of wrap it up with some final comments, but if you’re like, Ooh, I want to escape the cycle of blame. And now what, what do I do? Here’s some tips of encouragement that we have freedom to be that, Hey babe, that’s number one. So number one is come to the freedom to be weekend cars, Susie and

Susie:
I

Wendy:
In late February, 2020 to 2022. It’s so crazy that

Susie:
The last week in the February be there, we are going to get it regardless of the situation in the world where they’ll be their windows open doors will be open. Heat lamps will be there. You’re going to want us or need us.

Wendy:
Yes, yes. So come and again, if you’re listening after that, all of our podcast episodes, you can listen to it anytime and they’re always going to be extremely valuable. So if you’re listening at a later time, just make sure you still go to the show notes, to check out the freedom to be information. Cause we do have an online offering and a self-study version. Okay. So number two, start catching yourself when you have blaming behavior or self-talk self-awareness is the first step to changing. So in the freedom to be course, we talk a lot about how self-awareness is awesome. And that’s where a lot of students, like a lot of when parents come to our courses, right? Like all of a sudden they’re like, oh shit, I am screaming at all the time. Or I am grabbing wrists or I am modeling this behavior.

Wendy:
Right? Like that’s what we kind of call. Like you’re, you’re aware now you’re aware that you’re part of the dance, but if you don’t have the self-acceptance piece of like, self-compassion of like, okay, and I’m all, I’m still doing a great job. If you’re stuck in the like, man, I’m an awful mother or like, wow, I’m just, I’ve ruined my kids. Whatever it may be, then you won’t be able to move forward. So just remember that self-awareness is the first step to creating positive change in your life. But you gotta come get supported with a self-acceptance side too, which we’ve done, which we do a ton of in this course, like that piece to me. Oh my gosh.

Wendy:
The forgiveness of yourself and others is, is just absolute. I remember just like, I feel like that’s one of the most, they’re all incredible exercises.

Susie:
I know,

Wendy:
I know. Okay. Number three, learn how to hold space for yourself and others. We just touched base on that. And then we also have a podcast episode with our dear friend and mentor our founder. Yeah. I’m president of your infinite life with Pam Dunn. So we’ll make sure we put that episode in the show notes. I’m all about holding space. And then of course we’ll talk more about it and freedom to be number four. Think about what motivates you to change. Does pressure motivate you to change or disconnection motivate you to change and then use that to, to, to really motivate you to step into more personal responsibility than blame in the new year. And then lastly, remember that humility is a super power and personal responsibility and asking for what you want with, from kindness is always more effective than demanding or trying to make someone change.

Wendy:
And when it comes to trying to make someone change that’s Hey, good luck. Right? That’s it doesn’t work. But that’s another thing that we do in the course is we really help you to look at where are you pressuring someone to change and really change that up. So, and again, looking back at freedom to be, I remember why I walked in there and it was Stella that I really wanted to change. And there was that exercise, the road to freedom, to blame that just changed everything for her. And I, I came out and just realized that the pressuring was not working. And it was really the day after that, that course I tell the story in the video actually on the freedom to be information page.

Wendy:
But it was that day forward that I was able to see her differently, respond differently. And there was no more pressuring her to change. And it was like, the road just took a turn. And from that day forward, I feel like was the start of just the, the new relationship that we have. And it changed everything for her. And I, you know,

Susie:
Well, it wasn’t there and stuff. It was all you because when one of my daughter-in-law took the class, like she didn’t, she was young. She didn’t know why she just did it because I asked her to. And so she did. And when she came back and she was with my, one of my son, he’s like, wow. And like, they didn’t have any problems, but her letting go and stop pressuring him to change or what, anything the whole course, he went and told all his friends because he couldn’t remember the name of the course. He did. He would say, you know, my girlfriend just took this free, this freedom course. And I suggest you all get your girlfriends and wives to take this freedom course.

Susie:
Like, you know, it just, it just, it just cemented their relationship even more without even having a problem. It’s just amazing. Like, you probably felt the same way when, you know, when, when he came home. Oh, for sure.

Terry:
No, it’s great. And I think, you know, some people, if you’re listening, you might understand where you might plug into these concepts or how that might apply to your life or whatever specific situation that’s at the forefront for you right now. But I would say, you know, this, this is great for, I went to freedom to be, and I did was dealing with some business stuff, workplace stuff. And it wasn’t stuff that I necessarily knew I was going to air out when I walked in there even, but I’m, so don’t think of this as, just as like a parent child thing or even a spouse thing. I mean, this, this is just something that will give you such a gift of just fresh air on the other side and perspective on the other side, so that you can walk into life.

Terry:
Whatever’s, you’re going through in just a, a better version of yourself. You

Susie:
Get to be the com the author of your life. You get to,

Terry:
I liked that. I liked that. So, you know, if you’re listening and you’re like, yep, that’s me. Maybe it’s my husband. Absolutely. It is. So I think it’s an amazing gift. You can give yourself to someone that’s, you know, in your life, it’s just, you, you end up a better version of yourself on the other side. That’s, that’s what I would say to people.

Wendy:
And I love the whole idea that somebody does not have to be there too, because what happens

Susie:
If you get the impact, they will get it right. They

Wendy:
Feel it. And then they naturally change when someone stops pressuring them. Not like, again, you’re not going into it to make them change by stopping, trying to make them change. But the point is they naturally just change. That’s what happened with Stella. Once I chilled the F out, like she was like able to relax.

Terry:
It’s a Jedi mind trick. It’s a full Jedi mind trick.

Wendy:
Yeah. But I mean, out of like 10 years of going to that course, I think I went to, I counted up, like, I think it’s been like 16 times. I’ve been to freedom to be as an assist. Once as a student is 15 times as an assistant. I counted up. I, for sure, I’ve seen at least five marriages saved. And most of them, the, the, the guy was not there. So I remember like, if someone has a question about that, if they’re like, well, w I want to, I, this sounds great, but he’s the one that needs to go, or she’s the one that needs to go, trust me, like you said, just said, Suzy, like they will feel the difference. And then that just connects you and opens up a whole new direction for your relationship. And it’s just, it’s just so beautiful.

Wendy:
What happens to other people when we, when we stop blaming and stop pressuring them to change. So yes, let’s make it happen. You guys, there are payments plans available. So we’ll max out though. Oh, yes, that’s true. We only have 20 seats. And for sure, at the time of this recording, we have, I think, five already sold. So they, they will probably sell out fast, but yes, we have 20 seats available for anybody who is a graduate of the program already. If you’ve been through our online program, we are most likely going to have a learning by observation ticket too. So you can inquire about that. We’ll have the information on the information page, but we love you all.

Wendy:
Thanks for listening. And we can’t wait to see you at freedom to be whether it’s in person online or through the self study. All right, families, I hope you loved that episode. As much as I loved recording it for you. You can find all of the links and everything we talked about in today’s episode, by heading to FreshStartFamilyonline.com/110. And then I also wanted to personally invite you to join me over on the wisdom app for Q and A session that I am going to be hosting on Thursday, January 13th, at noon Pacific, to answer any questions you may have about freedom to bait. I’m also going to be sharing my personal story about how this course completely changed everything for me as a mom, as a wife, as a sister, as a daughter, and just really took my parenting to the next level and change the relationship with my daughter.

Wendy:
And so my goal of, of hanging out over there is just to be in community with you and make sure you feel like you can get your questions answered. If you’re wondering details about the freedom to be what it includes, anything you want to ask, you can ask me over on the wisdom app on that day. So all you need to do download the wisdom app and then find me, my username is @FreshStartWendy, and then mark your calendar for Thursday, January 13th at noon, and make sure you come join me. I think it’ll be really fun to hang out. It’s an interactive platform. You can ask questions. We can just be together in real time, and we can talk about all things, freedom to be. All right, families. Thanks for listening.

Stella:
For more information, go to FreshStartFamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening families have a great day

Wendy:
For links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode had to FreshStartFamilyonline.com/110. And if you haven’t yet, make sure you grab our free guide to raising strong-willed kids with integrity at FreshStartFamilyonline.com/strongwilledkids.

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at [email protected] or connect with me over on Facebook @freshstartfamily & Instagram @freshstartwendy.

 

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