In today’s episode, Terry & Wendy take a look at what detachment truly is and they debunk some of the misconceptions that surround detachment.
Here at Fresh Start Family, we believe that true detachment is when nothing that someone else says or does disturbs your sense of value & worth.
This is so important in parenting because as much as we want to control things like:
- our children’s behavior
- the opinions of others
- and many other aspects of life that are out of our control
… we just simply can’t!
That’s why detachment is so crucial for our mental health, and the health of our relationships with our families.
In order to detach in a healthy way, it’s important for us to have kids who feel safe, seen, and soothed, even when things get messy in our homes. In order to accomplish this, there are very simple and tactical steps that you can follow and we share these steps in today’s episode!
At the end of the day, the only thing we can truly control (regardless of what’s taking place around us) is our own actions, responses & mindset. Having the ability to walk away BEFORE tensions run high … and behaviors that we might later regret, start taking place — is such a powerful place to be.
Detachment is just another one of the amazing tools that we can add into our parenting toolkits!
Listen to today’s episode to hear more about the importance of detaching with connection and how it can make such a massive impact on you (as a firm kind leader in your home) and your kiddos!
What if you could be an effective, firm & kind parent WITHOUT relying on fear, force, bribery & rewards?
Imagine learning a new way of firm (AND kind) parenting so you can end painful generational parenting cycles and create family legacies & memories YOU are proud of?
All while getting your kids to cooperate with your rules and boundaries with ease.
IMAGINE …
Parenting your kids with calm & confidence each day in a way that causes them to do what’s asked of them because they WANT to (not because they HAVE to) … because you’re helping to build essential life skills that have them behaving well & being respectful when you’re NOT looking!
Episode Highlights:
- What detachment truly is
- Why having kids who are safe, seen, and soothed create secure attachment
- Why detachment is so important and how to build your “detachment muscles”
- Steps on how to successfully practice detachment when misbehavior or strong emotions occur
Resources Mentioned:
- The Firm and Kind Parenting Blueprint
- Ep. 8. “I Am” Statements – Kids Episode
Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!
This episode of the Fresh Start family Show is brought to you by our Firm and Kind parenting Blueprint, where you can learn all about our signature four step process to setting strong limits and following through with firmness and kindness in your parenting walk. You can head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/firmandkind to learn more.
Families, are you ready for an OG Fresh Start Family Show episode? Do you know what that means? It means it’s an original great episode because we’ve gotten such great feedback about it and we believe it has such rich educational content that it makes it timeless.
Wendy:
So I’m really excited for you guys to listen, but always remember that what we discuss and teach about on the Fresh Start Family Show, we do a deep dive inside of our Fresh Start Experience, full support program. That is where we have our complete Foundations Course as well as our complete Bonfire support program, which is kind of like a Netflix for positive parenting, but then add an insane level of support weekly coaching and access to a staff of positive parenting coaches certified in the Fresh Start Family approach. Just, just waiting to answer questions that you have about real life application of the strategies that you learn inside of the Fresh Start Experience.
So you can head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/experience to learn more about our full support program. But it’s a great place if you wanna take a deeper dive into any of the subjects we teach about in any of our Fresh Start Family Show episodes, but especially our OG episodes that are very educational and just strategy based where we’re just doing a ton of teaching. So without further ado, you guys enjoy this episode and make sure you go check out the Fresh Start Experience at freshstartfamilyonline.com/experience.
Stella:
Well, hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus, and rock and roll, and believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together, we hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.
Wendy:
Well, hey there families and welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show. Terry And. I are here to talk to you guys about Detaching with Connection.
Terry:
Awesome.
Wendy:
Yes. So detachment is a topic that we are studying in our bonfire membership group together this month. At the time of this recording, it is November, and this is such a fascinating subject that I love teaching about because I am a constant work in progress with my own detachment skills. And so I wanna kick off this episode with just kind of a, a clear definition of what I believe I, what I see detachment as and how I believe you really can detach from other people’s choices and emotions and all that good stuff while also staying securely attached, so to speak, as far as like being connected with the ones that you love in your life.
And again, I’m a constant work in progress, but I think this is so in such an important element of being successful in our parenting walk and in our relationships in life. So when I think of detachment, I really think that it means that nothing someone else says or does can disturb your feelings of value and worth. It also basically means that you can maintain your sense of dignity and you know, value and operate the way you wanna operate, even amidst other people making choices that you don’t necessarily agree with in that moment or align with. Now what’s important is I think a lot of people when they think of detachment, they think of like, you don’t, you’re ignoring, or it’s that you don’t care.
And it’s not that you don’t care, it’s just that you are really working hard to stay rooted in your own truth while also being in relationship with others. So when it comes to like, you know, attachment versus detachment, I think so many of you listening, I know all of you listening, truly want to be connected to your kids. And so when you have kids that feel safe, seen and soothed, which makes basically means that you are working hard to raise them in a home and an environment where they feel safe both mentally and physically. When you are working hard to raise your children in a way where they are seen like you know, that they feel like they’re cared for, like you are working hard to make sure that they understand that they belong, they’re valuable, they’re powerful, these are all things that we help families do through our foundations course and bonfire membership program.
And then also when it comes to su being soothed, that you are going to be there to provide mentorship and support when they have a bad day, when they make a mistake, when they need your support. But kind of those three things, feeling safe, feeling seen, and feeling like someone is there to support them and soothed them all. Really create secure attachment so you can practice detachment in your home when misbehaviors arise, when people have strong emotions, when they have their own triggers, when they are moving through stuff. And it’s not always about you. It’s like the classic Seinfeld. It’s not, it’s not you, it’s me, isn’t it? Seinfeld? Yeah. Yeah. It’s not you, it’s me.
Yeah. And like in order to have really strong true influence over people in our lives, we have to remember that it’s not about us making them change. And so detachment is just a really cool conversation. And, I thought you And I could just talk about it a little bit to today. And then I wanted to give you an example of a bonfire member who really used detachment beautifully in something that happened and she had just shared it in a success story within our group. And then also go through a few steps that you can use to successfully detach. So what do you think of Terry when I talk about detachment and in our own parenting journey or even our, in our relationship?
Terry:
Well, I think it’s, you know, you’re given these opportunities all day long to like engage with the people you love around you or even, you know, coworkers, just whoever’s around you, you’re, you’re given all these opportunities to like either engage or not. And sometimes it’s best just to not, you know, it’s like if you engage with every single interaction conversation topic, you know, you, you could end up going down a lot of roads that are just kind of like, that’s not gonna serve us right now or it’s not gonna serve me or the other person.
So I just look at detachment as is, you know, you get to select like, Hey, I see this going in a direction that’s either I’m gonna boil over or the person on the other end of it. It’s like this is a pattern, they just want me to tangle with them. They, they need somebody on the other side of this to tangle with And. I can choose to detach. Yeah, I don’t have to participate in this if I don’t want to. And you know, I, I’m glad that you pointed out because you know, it’s like here we talk about being connected to your kids and your family, but then here we’re talking about this topic of detachment.
Wendy:
Yeah,
Terry:
Actually detachment seems like it’s the way just to like kind of clean up the relationship. If there’s areas of your relationship where you’re like, oh my gosh, if, if I said if I connected on every single thing that my daughter wants to connect with about like, you know, 30% of ’em might just be like things that just don’t serve us or that we’re just perpetuating like these dances that we get into. And if I could selectively detach from a few of those, then actually it helps the rest of our relationship, you know, when we do have healthy things that we want to connect on or do together or talk, talk to each other about.
Yeah. So that’s the way I see it.
Families, I have a question for you. Would you love to be able to set really strong boundaries and rules with your children and then follow through with consistency and firm kindness? If yes, listen up. I have a program called the Firm and Kind Parenting Blueprint that I’d love for you to go check out. You can learn more over at freshstartfamilyonline.com/firmandkind inside of this quick easy to finish program. I’ll teach you four steps to really setting those strong roles but then following through in a way where you’re using connection and firm kindness. And what I’ll teach you will actually cause your children to want to cooperate with you because they truly respect you and value the rule and the boundary and understand how it serves them, not just something that they have to do or else.
And it’s just an incredible feeling when you go to bed at night knowing that you followed through on the rules and the strong boundaries in your home without relying on hand-me-down parenting tactics like fear force threats, yelling harsh punishments that really create usually fear in your household, right? We want our children to listen to us because they respect us and because they understand why being part of the team cooperating well, respecting rules, all those things, why that feels good as a human being. We wanna do those things in ways that cause our children to want to respect us, not just because they’re scared of us or a consequence. And that’s exactly what I’m gonna teach you inside this program.
So again, head on over to freshstartfamilyonline.com/firmandkind to learn more. But in under an hour this program will teach you some really effective strategies on how to create agreements with your kids instead of compliance statements, which is where a lot of parents go wrong and why their children don’t end up respecting the rules or the agreements that they’ve made. And then I’m gonna teach you how to use empathy. I’ll teach you how to engage your kids’ critical thinking skills when you tell ’em to do something and they say no. And then I’m also gonna encourage you to understand how to empower your children. When children feel empowered, especially strong-willed kids, they will cooperate a whole heck of a lot easier.
Okay, so I want you to go learn about this program and let me know if you have any questions. Freshstartfamilyonline.com/firmandkind.
Yeah, I love that. And it’s, it’s so cool because what happens I think is when we can stay detached in like a calm, neutral way. And remember that like if our child is sad, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean that we have to be sad when our, when our spouse is mad, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean that we have to fix them. It doesn’t mean that we have to, or when our kids are fighting like they’re growing up, they’re learning how to like have relationship with other human beings like sibling conflict.
It doesn’t mean that we have to be irritated because they’re irritated with each other, but like it ends up causing us to be able to bring some calm to the chaos. And this quote by LR Knost is one of my favorite, she says, when little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share or calm, not join in their chaos, but when we can like just constantly be building our detachment skills, And, I and muscles so to speak, because they really are like muscles, right? Like especially if you were never, if you grew up in a home where everybody bounced off each other’s emotions, like if mom was upset then everyone else was upset or if dad was angry, then everybody else was walking on eggshells.
Like everyone’s emotions were so tightly wound together that nobody was able to stand on their own two feet then this is probably, this is probably new for you, right? To be able to be like, oh my, like the classic example of like a child going to bed sad or crying. There are a lot of families who are like, whoa, what? Like I can’t let my child go to bed sad where really it’s okay, like so many times, like our children need to learn how to make decisions. Sometimes there’s consequences al always there’s consequences to decisions, right? And on the other side of those decisions, those choices, there’s gonna be emotions sometimes. And so also, you know, just thinking of like life is made up of emotions, like, and all emotions are part of the wholeness of life.
So happy, mad, sad, hurt and scared. Like happy is not where we need to spend all of our days. Like it’s awesome to be happy. And most of us were only taught that that was the one good emotion and that everything else was negative. When really it’s not factual. Like sadness has beautiful attributes to it. When you feel scared, there’s beautiful attributes on the other side when you get through and actually move forward, even though you feel scared, that’s where bravery and courage comes from, right? Like anger is often where justice is born. Like justice buttons are beautiful like kids and people who have strong justice buttons – our friend and New York City who’s a lawyer for like people who have been harmed by big food pharmaceuticals, like she gets angry about that stuff and she has a big justice button, but like her anger is not something to be like ashamed of or brush under a rug.
Like all emotions have this beautiful purpose and they’re part of the wholeness of life. So when our children experience them, they, if we, if we can see that they’re strong enough to move through them with our support that we don’t have to attach or fix or have a bad day just because they’re having a bad day, it’s, it just makes everything a lot more smoother. So
Terry:
I assume, you know, it doesn’t mean that you avoid assisting in giving your loved one an opportunity to come up and out of that, but if you’re seeing that it’s just not working or it’s, you know, then I guess that’s when you kind of just mentally say, okay, I’m going to de detach. Is that kind of how you look at it? Well,
Wendy:
I think detachment is actually rooted in your values and your morals. So like, here’s some steps that I’ll give listeners to things to think about, questions to ask yourself and steps to move through that show you. Are you staying? Like are you able, are you practicing detachment or are you Detaching yourself to somebody else’s? Either thoughts on how life should go or their emotions or all this stuff. So number one is always we wanna pra start with practicing our pause button. Again, something we, we learn about in the foundations course, but in, in an essence it’s basically creating a space between the stimulus and the response. So whether it’s your kids misbehaving, the siblings fighting, you know, we’ll just keep it to parenting today of course.
But like is to pause, like put your hand on your heart, take a deep breath, think about your intention on what you want as a parent, who you are as a father, say for example. And so the healthy intentions are to guide, to lead, to mentor, to redirect towards the light, to teach like unhealthy intentions are to like show ’em who’s boss to make them pay for their mistake to intimidate, to control, to make sure that they don’t rule the roost. Those are some out the intentions. Number two, you can ask yourself, why is this my problem? So this really sets you up to make sure you understand that not all problems you have to solve.
So this example, like the example I always like to think of is like the quote, I don’t know who said this but it’s a good quote, but it’s like basically when you take on other people’s problems, you overburden yourself and you weaken that person. So you actually often can end up training your children to make them feel like in order to feel better, they have to have you do it for them. Yeah, I mean really like our children are fully self capable and like siblings fighting is the easiest example to give of so many times parents attach to that energy and that frustration, which dude you And I are constant work in progress on this, right?
But like, it is not our problem. Like, yes, parents, I hear you, you wanna raise kind children, you wanna raise kids that have like good problem solving skills and respectful, peaceful conflict negotiation, all that stuff like trust us, that’s on our radar, but most of the time it is not our problem. And so if parents can really ask themselves that, then it sets you up for like, oh, okay, do I wanna like come in and mentor right now or teach or get involved here? Or do I wanna hold space for this person, give ’em an opportunity, step to the side, take care of myself. So it’s like detachment is rooted in your own self-care, your own like values and morals.
And so that, that’s, that is asking yourself why is it my problem? Number three is what is my I am statement and who do I truly believe my child is? So it’s like, you know, what’s yours that you always go to?
Terry:
Well, I have one. I say like, I am creative, I am caring, And I, am confident in Christ. Cool. And then I’ve got another one that’s kind of newer. Yeah, it’s, it’s, I am calm, I am strong and I’m figuring it out.
Wendy:
Oh, I love them both. So one that I go to a lot, And, I really could use, like I am a work in pro work in progress like everyone else, I should call on this more, but mine is like, I am patient, I am loving, I am kind and I’m Christ-centered. And then, then you can ask yourself, who do I truly believe my child is? And if you are going to that old school paradigm of like, I believe, like I had a beautiful member so beautifully put into writing last week when her child misbehaves, like she, she has done so much work and their, their lives have literally been transformed for the better since they started working with Fresh Start Family. But she still, she refers to her son as nasty like his misbehaviors, he is just nasty and it’s such a, it was such a great like dinging ding ding ding dinging and that if we are viewing our kids as nasty when they misbehave, that is gonna be hard to detach because when somebody is nasty in your world, you have to step in and correct that.
Like you, if you don’t correct that, then they’re just gonna continue living on like as this entitled nasty human being, right? Like whereas if you see your kids as figuring it out, if you see your kids as learning, then you’re more likely to believe like in who they really are, which hopefully your child has an I am statement. If they don’t yet they can listen to Stella’s episode of their Fresh Start Family Show for Kids about creating an I Am statement. If you, you can Google that. I don’t know the episode off the top of my head, but it’s, it’s an episode just for Groms with Stella and her friend Aubrey about I am statements.
Listen Up parents. I want to remind you that although this podcast is loaded with tons of encouragement, motivation, and inspiration when it comes to positive parenting and family life coaching, the real action is when you step into learning with me through our free Quickstart Learning Bundle, just pop in your email at freshstartfamilyonline.com/free and you’ll get instant access to a downloadable learning guide about how to raise strong willed kids with integrity without losing your mind.
And then also an invite to join me for my free Power Struggles online workshop where I will teach you five positive parenting strategies to handle pushback with firm kindness and connection versus yelling force and threats. You can grab your free quick start learning bundle at freshstartfamilyonline.com/free. Okay, back to the show.
Wendy:
The next step is to ask yourself how can I set firm limits here while also taking care of myself? So the four step firm and kind process that we teach in the firm and kind parenting blueprint is a great way for families to learn about that.
That is a very affordable program that if you’ve never learned that four step fresh start family process, it’s like life changing when you use those four steps. And then next lastly is how can I let go of my need for perfection here and believe in my child’s ability to process emotions and have faith that if things get messy they will be able to make amends or together as a team we will be able to figure this out. So it’s like letting go of that need for perfection. So I thought I would read you guys an example of a success story that I thought this member just did a really great job of applying a lot of those strategies I just just brought to the table.
So she wrote in and said, this might turn out a bit long, but I want to share a, the journey to show just how beautiful the success I witnessed today really is separation anxiety has been a huge deal for my three-year-old, probably exasperated by circumstances we live in Australia away from friend, friends and family in America. I’ve worked from home since he was born fitting in my work while he was asleep. So he never got used to being dropped off to childcare or being away from me for any length of time, even before Covid lockdown. We were quite at isolated here without much social interaction and Jack always showed signs of being shy and reserved, wanting to stay close to me in social situations. So anyway, I’ve begun little steps toward him starting preschool.
And I also enrolled him in gymnastics class when it restarted after lockdown. The gymnastics class is for three to five year olds and for parents and the parents aren’t present for it. I knew that would be a big deal for Jack. So I volunteered to be a parent who stays in the hall for class child protection reasons. I think the first week, week Jack was in tears, clinging to my leg, wouldn’t leave my side, told me it was too scary and said he didn’t want to go back. Last week was slightly better, but the teacher told me I should consider taking him to the toddler class instead where I can accomp accompany him to each station. I felt so discouraged and upset.
And I had already watched this month’s lesson on detachment, which again is inside of the Bonfire community. So I was trying to detach and let Jack be on his own journey, taking my emotions out of it. When I got home from the class, I looked up the bonfire lesson also on inadequacy, which is the misbehavior that that Jack was definitely experiencing and listened to it straight away. It was really helpful breaking things down for small successes, keeping my tone neutral, believing in my child and not pigeonholing him or lowering expectations. So I emailed the teacher and said, no Thank you. I won’t bring him to the toddler class. I will continue with this current class and focus on building his confidence. I told her I didn’t mind if he spent most of the class sitting with me watching in time, he would be ready to take part And I wanted to let him do this at his own pace.
So fast forward to this morning, I decided to do a Lego role play about gymnast gymnastics class. I had the inspiration from the Holy Spirit to take a ribbon and show our Jack, I’m correcting names here, how Lego daddy and Lego Peter’s hearts were connected with this ribbon. When Lego Peter went to do some jumping on the trampoline, the ribbon didn’t break, it got longer, so they were still connected. Jack was delighted with this and he played a little bit more with the figures in the Carter of gymnastics. Fred said he did not wanna go. It was too scary. I told him it’s okay to be feel scared. We all get scared doing new things and we were still going to go holding firm to her limits in the hall.
He got a bit agitated telling me he wanted to stay with me. And I said, no problem, I’ll be here. You can stay with me and watch, or you can join in. You decide. After a while, he went and did a few jumps on a small trampoline really close by and then came back to me. I could see he really wanted to go do some climbing at the under and other end of the hall, but he was a little nervous. I reminded him about the ribbon between my heart and his that we were still connected. Even if he runs all this, does this like make you wanna cry? Oh, even if he runs to the other end of the hall, he smiled, turned and ran off, absolutely delighted to climb and jump for the rest of the class.
He tried the various activities and came running back to me. Between each one, I was almost in tears seeing his happy face. The teacher called him over to show him something and he actually went. Then at the end she was showing the class something in a big box and Jack went over and sat in the middle of the group of children to see what it was. You wouldn’t believe it was the same child as last week and the week before. And I was so glad I didn’t take that teacher’s advice and bring him to the toddler class. I saw ’em all coming out in their mother’s arms. Jack would have been a giant among them. I’m so grateful for all I’ve learned through Fresh Start Family to help me navigate these struggles and support Jack in flourishing and overcoming fear while staying detached.
Finally, another success was in being true to myself with the teacher. Early on in the class, she basically told me that Jack was just clingy because I was there. And I left him and if I left him and went away, he would be fine. I a hundred percent know that while this may be true for some children in this case, it’s not true. I told her I wanted to take a more gentler approach, building up his confidence. At the end of the class, I said to her, look how much he has come on today. And she said, yes, but you should just leave him and he wouldn’t be running over to you all the time. I told her respectfully, I know my child, And I know how that approach wouldn’t work. He will be able to go to class independently, and he’s not at that stage yet. So I want to just keep building him up towards that.
It felt a bit awkward about it, but I was just glad that I was able to stand my ground. Thank you to everyone at Fresh Start Family for helping me. How beautiful is that story? I love it. It’s so good, right? I love it.
Terry:
And you said something earlier to me today that you have like over 300 pages of of those success stories of success stories.
Wendy:
Isn’t that crazy? I know
Terry:
That’s that’s incredible. I know. I love that one.
Wendy:
Yes, it’s so good. And like again, she, she applied so much of what we’re talking about today of like allowing her child to be scared without thinking that she needed to be scared, right? Like she’s learned a new way, she’s gotten the support, she shows up so consistently to learn and grow within our Bonfire community. And she also stayed rooted in her truth and her truth was that she believes in what she’s doing. It didn’t matter what other people were so-called judging her for, or like making her think she needed to do it a different way. She was able to successfully detach from that. And it was not easy, right? Like she, it took intention, you know, like when her hus, when her little boys’ fears really started to like show up and he started to doubt himself on the way she was able to detach and just be like, it’s okay if you know whatever the outcome is, whether he doesn’t go to class or he does, I am rooted in who I am as a teacher and what I believe that I wanna do today to try.
You know, so there really is just so much. I think, you know, number one, she identified her goals with her son was to raise a little boy who believed in himself and was able to one day, you know, go out and feel confident, not because she was not by his side, but that he believed in himself. Number two, she slowed down, she practiced a pause button, she identified the misbehavior, which she figured out was inadequacy or avoidance. And then she held him in the light believing that he was strong and capable, that he didn’t need her to fix him or solve his problems. And then number four, she detached from his fear and sadness, right? Like she allowed him to own that, not like attaching to it.
And then number five, she’d detached from other people’s opinions. And then number six, she stayed courageous and rooted in herself. So I hope that helps families. And I, hope that inspires you to practice detachment in your life. It is a deep subject that’s not like a overnight like I’m gonna wake up today. Just be detached from the people in my life when they have misbehavior or have strong emotions. It’s definitely a work in progress. But. it becomes a joyful work in progress if you embrace it.
Alright, families, that’s a wrap. I hope you loved today’s episode as much as I loved recording it for you. If you are wanting to learn more about what we teach at Fresh Start Family, one of the best places to start is by heading over to freshstartfamilyonline.com/firmandkind to check out our Firm and Kind Parenting Blueprint, which is our simplest, easy to finish program that’ll teach you all about our signature four step process to setting strong boundaries and following through with firmness and kindness.
Wendy:
Again, that’s freshstartfamilyonline.com/firmandkind. But otherwise, thanks so much for listening. And I can’t wait to see you back next time for another episode.
For links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode. Head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/188.
Stella:
For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening, families, have a great day.
