On this week’s episode, Wendy and Terry talk about what it means to be a power kid and how to empower a child who is consistently showing a desire to have the healthy human need of being powerful met. Instead of breaking a child’s strong will, it is vital for parents to learn how to mentor a child with a healthy need for power. This episode will speak to all parents, but especially anyone who has ever wondered if there is something “wrong” with their child because their pushback seems relentless.

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What if you could be an effective, firm & kind parent WITHOUT relying on fear, force, bribery & rewards?

Imagine learning a new way of firm (AND kind) parenting so you can end painful generational parenting cycles and create family legacies & memories YOU are proud of?

All while getting your kids to cooperate with your rules and boundaries with ease.

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Parenting your kids with calm & confidence each day in a way that causes them to do what’s asked of them because they WANT to (not because they HAVE to) … because you’re helping to build essential life skills that have them behaving well & being respectful when you’re NOT looking!

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Episode Highlights:

• How Wendy & Terry found the work of positive parenting when their power kid & first child, Stella, was a toddler
• The importance of modeling mutual respect by figuring out ways the power kid can have control that work for both parent and child
• How to cope if your child never seems to “fit in the box” without snuffing out their creativity & desire to be in charge
• Understanding that revenge misbehavior is a sign that healthy power needs are not being met
• Looking at competitiveness, the desire to lead & be number one as an asset by supporting & encouraging the power kid in their goals
• Physical activities and/or sports are particularly good for kinesthetic kids (those who love moving!)
• Being proficient and feeling like they are a leader are deeply important to power kids
• The importance of honoring your child’s uniqueness and seeing their characteristics as a gift
• Encouragement to get curious & creative when it comes to empowering your own power kid in ways that fit their unique needs

Resources Mentioned:

• Fresh Start Family Online
• Fresh Start Experience – parenting education & support program
• FREE Guide – How to Raise Strong-Willed Kids with Integrity
• Episode 4 of the Fresh Start Family Show – the 4 categories of misbehavior explained
• Episode 1 of the Fresh Start Family Show – how Wendy & Terry found the work of positive parenting

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Not able to listen or want to read along with us?

Here is the episode transcript!

This episode of the Fresh Start Family Show is brought to you by our Firm and Kind parenting Blueprint, where you can learn all about our signature four step process to setting strong limits and following through with firmness and kindness in your parenting walk. You can head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/firmandkind to learn more.

Wendy:

Families, are you ready for an OG Fresh Start Family Show episode? Do, you know what that means? It means it’s an original great episode because we’ve gotten such great feedback about it and we believe it has such rich educational content that it makes it timeless.

So I’m really excited for you guys to listen, but always remember that what we discuss and teach about on the Fresh Start Family Show, we do a deep dive inside of our Fresh Start Experience full support program. That is where we have our complete Foundations Course as well as our complete Bonfire support program, which is kind of like a Netflix for positive parenting, but then add an insane level of support weekly coaching and access to a staff of positive parenting coaches certified in the Fresh Start Family approach just, just waiting to answer questions that you have about real life application of the strategies that you learn inside of the Fresh Start Experience.

So you can head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/experience to learn more about our full support program. But it’s a great place if you wanna take a deeper dive into any of the subjects we teach about in any of our Fresh Start Family Show episodes, but especially our OG episodes that are very educational and just strategy based where we’re just doing a ton of teaching. So without further ado, you guys enjoy this episode and make sure you go check out the Fresh Start Experience at freshstartfamilyonline.com/experience.

Stella:
Well, hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus, and rock and roll, and believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together, we hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools, and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.

Wendy:
Welcome to our episode today, all about empowering, the power kid. Terry, I’m so excited. This is one of my favorite topics in the entire world to talk about.

Terry:
Oh yeah. And I think because it creates the greatest amount of hope because this is like so much personal testimony and this story in all the tools that we learned through this. This is like, this is a good one. Yeah.

Wendy:
So, if you haven’t yet, make sure you listen to our episode all about the four categories of misbehavior. I think it’s a great one to make sure you understand if you have a power kid in your home, and just like a little quickie about that, like if you have a kid that pushes back and that tests boundaries and that you are, feel like you’re butting heads with a lot, you probably have a power kid, which we talk a lot about in that episode, is a beautiful gift from God. Yes, it’s such a strength for our families, for our world, but you, but you gotta like look at that a little bit to make sure you are understanding what kind of misbehavior that is and why it’s happening for these types of kiddos.

Terry:
Yeah so the, you know, that feeling it, it comes from what the way you feel at first too. Yeah. Like the misbehavior, you feel provoked and challenged, and then once you zoom out, like once you see that you have a kid that’s not just doing that here and there, they do that a lot. That’s when we’re like, oh, I have a power kid.

Wendy:
Right, yeah.

Terry:
Because many kids, you know, exhibit like say a power misbehavior here and there, and then they may do some of these other misbehaviors, but what we’re talking about is when there is a kid who’s like, it becomes like a pattern and it’s very apparent that they in general are really seeking to be more powerful in their life.

Wendy:
Yeah, which is a perfectly healthy, normal human meat. Some of these kids just have it more than others. So, so many books out there, so many programs about strong-willed kids, how to break the will of a kid breaks my heart because again, these are, these are gifts and we just gotta mentor our kids on what to do with this strong desire when they have it. And so they’re, when they misbehave, it’s just simply them communicating that they have a need to feel powerful when you feel like you’re provoked and challenged. They’re just simply trying to communicate,”Hey, I wanna feel powerful too.” And you get to come in and say, you know what? That’s okay. And I can teach you how to feel powerful without being disrespectful and without having misbehavior.

Terry:
Yeah. And, and parents, if you’re nodding your heads at all out there, just wanted to just let you know that we did, you know, look at so many different things when our daughter was a toddler, some of these books that Wendy mentions, you know, we took her to a doctor, play therapist, like all these different things.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
And it wasn’t until we really sunk into this positive parenting work, and really started to learn more about what she was trying to communicate and what type of a little human being she was, and ultimately what kind of a big human being that she could be if we came alongside her.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
And really, you know, fostered that in a healthy way. Then until we, we, we dove into that, that, and and really pushed into that, we felt like we didn’t understand her.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
And we felt like, why can’t she change? There was a lot of this like,

Wendy:
Maybe she’s broken.

Terry:
Yeah. There was so much of these.

Wendy:
Maybe she just needs medicine.

Terry:
There were all these feelings.

Wendy:
I even

Terry:
So many feelings

Wendy:
You guys. Seriously, I googled exorcism. I like, I was like, what if she’s possessed?

Terry:
Right.

Wendy:
Because that’s, it gets so gnarly when they’re in the power surge stages of life that I guys, I mean, who out there? I can’t be alone.

Terry:
Yeah.

Wendy:
Like sometimes you worry like, what if something is literally like really wrong with my kiddo? Like, what if she is possessed because they, they just push back so much that it can be really hard to shift your mindset and say, oh, it’s just a normal healthy human need. She’s just trying to feel powerful. Like, there are times when you’re gonna be like, dude, something is really wrong here. And like, what if the devil is in there?

Terry:
So that’s just to acknowledge that we tried many, many different things all the way from exorcism to, to traditional medicine.

Wendy:
Yeah. I googled bipolar too, and then we watched a documentary, remember and I was like, oh, okay, cool. We can check that off the list. She’s not bipolar, she’s just a, a normal kid. But

Terry:
And so anyways, just just want to give you some reassurance that this wasn’t just like, oh, you know, this was just the one path that we went and we just, you know, made it work. Like we, we looked long and hard at a lot of different ways, tried some other things, and this is really what, what ended up creating a connection and just helping us sleep at night knowing too that like as she goes to the next stage of life and the next stage of life and the next stage of life, that we’re just gonna have this radical awesome future leader because,

Wendy:
And a strong relationship

Terry:
Yeah.

Wendy:
Where we respect each other.

Terry:
Yeah.

Wendy:
Like, yeah, it feels, it feels good. I mean, there is no perfection in our home at all. I mean, we have many days where we still butt heads with her because she is just such a, a, she has a strong personality. Right? I mean it constant, I think it’s such a gift from God because I think he uses her to humble our hearts consistently. Like your ego can take over really easily when you’re blessed with some of these power kids where, you know, it can be tempting just to think like, I know it all and you need to just stop. You need to change. But really, it’s like a beautiful, it’s a relationship. And when you have anybody in your life that’s a power personality type of person, like you’ll, you’ll find that if you can humble your heart and soften a little bit and still stick up for what you believe, you can still be a firm leader in your workplace or within your family.

And it sometimes when you can just soften your heart a little bit and figure out like, all right, how did, how can I get creative here? It just helps. it just feels better. And it’s not all, you just butt heads lot, but butt heads less.

Terry:
Yeah.

Wendy:
So we’re gonna share with you guys today some things we’ve done over the last decade of Stella’s life to feel like we have empowered her. So, and this really started to, just to remind you guys, if you haven’t listened to episode one, we tell you all about our story, about how we found this work of positive parenting, why we’ve become so passionate about it. But we go through like the deep dark valley we were in with our daughter when we found this work. And we give details about like, what the behavior was, like, why we were so worried, and why we like why I specifically was so depressed. Depressed and anxious and angry all the time. And then we tell you, you know, once we found this work, how everything started to change But, it really, you know, from a very young age when we started to implement this work, we, you know, I can think of so many examples over the years where we were like, oh, cool, let’s let her do that because she wants to be in charge.

So the three examples we’re gonna give you today and kind of areas are gonna, we’re gonna talk about is one, entrepreneurship, two sports and activities. And then number three is been music. And again, there’s like probably, I would guess like hundreds of things that we’ve done where we’re like, okay, let’s intentionally label that. Whether it’s like CEO of the dog when she was really little or something like on a random day. Like, you know, president of the car seat buckles, these are kind of more broad areas that as she’s gotten a little bit older, but like entrepreneurship, starting with that one. That’s one that we’ve seen in her since she was very young.

So she always, she was always the kid. I remember it used to bug me really bad where if we had a lemonade stand, like she didn’t wanna give any money away. Like she didn’t wanna give the lemonade away or like, if we had baked goods or something, she always wanted to sell it and have the money. And So I, don’t know why that bugged me. I just always wanted to like give, like, let’s just give it away. Like why do we have to sell it? Like, it’s so common for kids to have lemonade stands, but for some reason I was like really hard on her. And I was like, why don’t we just give it away? And she was like, she always wanted to make money. And so I think when she was younger I kind of feared like, I’ve got to teach her that she’s got to have a, a, like a, a humble giving part of her And.

I just had this anxiety like, but really she was just a kid and you could, but you could tell she wanted to be in charge of like a little business. So Lemonade stands, she sold rocks one day. I remember like these little gems that we had gotten, like when we were home in Maryland from this little mining place. And she sold them on a Monday morning out front when she was probably like four and a half years old. And like she made six bucks on a Monday morning. And I know you. Can you remember some of like the little businesses she had when she was young?

Terry:
Yeah. I mean, the Rocks ones classic. I know. I tell people that. So, you know, that started off as like, that was inconvenient and semi annoy. Like, what do you wanna do? It’s Monday morning, you, you want to have like a rock sale you’re trying to sell? Like there were so many reasons to us as parents. Like we were kind of like pushing back, pushing back, pushing back.

Wendy:
And, I do remember pushing back. I remember saying, Stella, no one’s gonna wanna buy rocks on a Monday morning. And then I caught myself.

Terry:
Or on a weekend.

Wendy:
Or on a weekend. Yeah. But I caught myself because we, no, we have had found this work. And I was like, oh wait, maybe. And she, ’cause she was pushing back, I wanna, I wanna sell rocks. And and I was like, oh goodness, we’re in a power struggle here. And so I was like, just calm yourself down, self mama self. What’s the big deal? Just let her go out front and sell some rocks. Yeah. Like,

Terry:
So this is perfect. Back to the title of, of this episode, empowering the power kid. So this is kind of the and I’ll go through this and then I’ll give some more examples of some of her awesome businesses. But there’s this choice that you have to say, okay, this kid wants to do things and you can either snuff it out and take the power away, or you can actually say, oh, she just wants to feel powerful around this aspect, this idea, this thing. And so here is a way empowered the power kid. Let her have the rock sale. She sold the rocks.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
She sold it. She made six bucks. She was stoked.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
And we had something that kind of was like, oh, okay. Like,

Wendy:
Yeah, she’s very proud.

Terry:
We could’ve sat there and fought with her about it for a half hour or just let her do it.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
We let her do it. And then that kind of then, you know, steamrolled into other things. I remember she, she wanted to have a drive through restaurant.

Wendy:
Yeah. She was Probably like seven at that time, right?

Terry:
Yeah.

Wendy:
Seven or eight.

Terry:
Seven probably. But this was elaborate and this is one of those things too, where you were like,

Wendy:
Yeah, it was Sunday afternoon, I think.

Terry:
Yeah.

Wendy:
Where we just wanted to chill,

Terry:
And it was like, and it couldn’t just be like a, a normal like, or like a low key. Like, hey, let’s, let’s make some sandwiches or something. And it was like, nope. It’s gonna be like In-N-Out burger.

Wendy:
Right.

Terry:
There is going to be a sign with a menu that’s gonna be in the middle of the road.

Wendy:
Right.

Terry:
And like right out in front of our street, there’s gonna, we were gonna make a big sign. We were gonna have a grill out front.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
We had a name. And so it was kind of like this, like, whoa, okay. There were all these layers to it of what she wanted to do. She had this big vision.

Wendy:
And, and the name, remember the name?

Terry:
Well, that was, that was my thing. So the name came about after I finally decided, like I saw, oh, okay, here’s her. She wants to feel powerful. Okay, cool. You want to lead this restaurant?

Wendy:
Go for it.

Terry:
Great.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
Once I,

Wendy:
And you were so sweet about that, that day. Like, I probably was like, whatever, I’m going fold laundry. I’m not into it. But you were like, you know what babe? Sure. I’ll support you in this. Like, what do I need to do?

Terry:
So that was the moment I, I said, you’re the leader, what’s up? So, she wanted to come up with a name for it. So, so basically the name that came out of it was Hot Grills, and if you say it fast, it kind of comes across as hot girls, which is kind of, you know, you might get some, some extra like Google searches and you end up at our, at our drive through restaurant. But it was Hot Grills, which is hilarious.

Wendy:
Which, for you, I’m sure you were like, oh no, this is gonna be embarrassing. Are people gonna judge me?

Terry:
I thought it was hilarious, but yeah.

Wendy:
Yeah, you probably did. Yeah.

Terry:
Hot girls. So, but

Wendy:
You didn’t argue with her. No. You were just like, cool if that’s

Terry:
Hot Girls had a menu, had a, a big stand And, I’m talking like a, like a four foot tall like triangular stand that sat in the middle of the road with the menu on it.

Wendy:
Oh my gosh.

Terry:
She had a walkie-talkie, ’cause she was gonna take the orders. She was gonna relay the orders via walkie-talkie to Terrin and I, who were manning said hot grill.

Wendy:
Yeah. So Terrin was probably almost five at the time. Something like that. Four and a half.

Terry:
So we were cooking, cooking hot dogs. We had all the stuff,

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
That we were to cook. And so, yeah. you know, she made the announcement that the drive-through was going on and we saw our, our neighbors, even though they lived a hundred feet away,

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
Would got in their cars.

Wendy:
It was so sweet.

Terry:
And came and drove through the drive through.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
Bought hot dogs. I forget what else we had. We had, we had a dessert too. I think we had,

Wendy:
I know, I forget,

Terry:
We had desserts, we had drinks

Wendy:
It was like a menu, Yeah.

Terry:
And everything like that.

Wendy:
We had pizza. I think we had pizza.

Terry:
Oh yeah.

Wendy:
Yep. And I was like the runner for the kitchen.

Terry:
And she, she took the orders, she did the whole thing. So, she was the, the visionary for that.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
She saw it through. And me and little brother just had to be workers and that was okay.

Wendy:
Yup.

Terry:
That, you know, that gave her, her time to be a leader.

Wendy:
Yep. And because Terrin is a little bit more of our little guy who’s eight now, he’s a little bit more of an attention kid. So he, that’s, that’s just kind of more of his wheelhouse. He was very happy to be involved. Like, he is so happy if she just plays with him and involves him. So he was happy to be told what to do.

Terry:
And just being on the team. Just being on the team.

Wendy:
Just being on the team. Yeah. So, so yeah. But we, but it takes a little bit of fighting that like self-talk of like negative self-talk of like, oh, here she goes again. She’s gonna try to boss people around. Like, you gotta let him, you gotta let him do it too. And it’s like, no.

Terry:
Yeah. It doesn’t have to be,

Wendy:
No, she doesn’t like, he’s happy, he was happy being part of the team. He was happy being like an assistant to her that day. He just wanted to be involved. But that’s a great example of,

Terry:
And honestly and honestly, he, you know, he does want to feel powerful at times. And so I made him feel powerful in being able to, you know, flip things on the grill. There’s,

Wendy:
Yes. Yeah.

Terry:
You can find leadership in everything. Like you don’t have to be the CEO of the company to, to still lead or have some ownership over, over something. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.

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Wendy:

Yeah. So, so, so her love of entrepreneurship has turned into many things. So she, a few years ago wanted to, when I had first designed my original website many moons ago, she saw me design mine and she said, I would like to do that too. And so I think we came up a way with, for her to earn the like $60 that it was gonna cost for the year or something. And And I invested in a little square space, square space site for her.

And she, her And I co-designed it. And she was a big part of making the website. It was stellamakesfun.com, and she designed and created all of the products. She was gonna sell slime and she was gonna do jewelry and toys too. She never quite got through with that, but she found that her love was slime. So she had that website for a year, and then that moved into, she realized that she learned through that she, that she liked the in-person sales more. So then she started creating slime videos. And so we would hand her the camera and just let her film or, or stream online on like my personal account on Facebook where her grandparents would get to comment and watch.

But she would lead the Facebook Live where she would get to show kids, or she would, she would film her stuff and we would let her edit it. So she actually taught me how to edit an iMovie when I created the Foundations Course. She actually did a lot of the editing of the, of the role play videos that you’ll see in the Foundations Course, but

Terry:
Child labor people.

Wendy:
Yeah, child labor. Yeah. She, she is a, an employee of Fresh Start Family. Remember she teaches our kids within our membership program the Bonfire, and teaches kids within the Foundations course. Like she’s through and through, like she’s, she loves to be a worker. She loves, she loves making money, but like the slime has turned into a nice little business for her. So what is it? A month ago? Well, well all, so for her birthday and Christmas, all she wanted from family was supplies to make slime for her business, she calls it. And she had a sale a few weeks ago and she made like almost 70 bucks that day.

Terry:
It’s amazing too, just to see the creativity that she put into all the different like, themes of the slime. Yeah. She named ’em all, she had packaging, you know, so here, you know, if, if, now this is very recent, but rewind all the way back. If you know this power kid over and over again, if we would’ve just said if no, no, no. Or like, let’s put a cap on this kid. this is really like, like if we just kept meeting her with resistance over and over again, I highly doubt she’d be the the kid she is today.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
She wouldn’t, she, she wouldn’t be using this power for good, so to speak.

Wendy:
Yeah. And, and guys, I do like, as an 11 year old tween, there is like, there’s stuff going on within the, the friendship group now in fifth grade that is like, oh, it’s hard to witness. ’cause like, it gets dicey really fast with girls where they start to have misbehavior amongst like, friendships and in classrooms and sports groups that you’re like, oh man, that’s not going down a great path where she’s, no, she’s not a perfect kid. But I, I do watch from a distance, And I have great respect for her because she, I think the way she carries herself in the world represents the fact that she, she is in a family that respects her, even though she’s sometimes is, is edgy.

But yeah, it’s like, back to that when she was really little, it’s like, I remember one more story about like, just the, the shift that we had to make. Like, so one year she was in kind, so she was in kindergarten and they had to make Valentine’s. And again, she, she’s the type of kid as many power strong-willed kids are that they wanna be in charge of what they do, right? So it’s like, we gotta find these areas where they can, because of course parents, they can’t be in charge all the time. That’s not life. Like, just because you as an adult are the president at a company doesn’t mean you get to be the president of every area in your life. Like, it’s just, there’s areas where you get to be in charge. There’s areas where you don’t, but for, so it’s like finding the little areas where they can be in charge really helps them feel a lot better.

So she had to make Valentine’s for kindergarten class and the, they had to make a little box. So I, if you guys have kids in grade school, you can relate to this, right? They have to make the little box. It has to be, have a slit in the top and then they have to make Valentine’s that fit in the little slit in top, in the top. And so at the time she had this really weird habit. She, I would buy her these like, new pads of paper and she would rip out every single flip and page. And. I was like, why just keep it in the book, keep it in the spiral book and do your artwork. But she liked to rip it out and then put another piece on top of it. Do you remember that stage? Oh yeah. I feel like we have a lot of artwork saved too from that stage where it was like the funniest thing, But, it would drive me nuts.

And I was just like, ugh. I had to like do so much self calming during that time. And I was like, self, so just chill out, chill out, chill out. It’s okay. So she went to make these things, these valentine’s and you know, kids make little teeny valentine’s, you get ’em from the dollar store or you make your own. And they’re little but not Stella. No, she wanted to make the giant ones. So she ripped out 24 pieces of these giant papers that I’d gotten. And then she took like, cut out some hearts and she put the little heart in the middle and like wrote a little message or whatever. And I was like, oh no, Stella. Like, it’s gotta be small, it’s gotta fit inside the box. And she was like, no, no, no, I wanna do it like this. And I was like, oh, I found myself like butting heads a little bit.

And she said the most beautiful thing that has like stuck with me her entire life was, I was like, Stella, it’s gotta fit in. You gotta fit inside the box. Like if you hand this kid this giant thing, it’s never gonna fit inside the box. And she goes, mom, I’m never gonna fit inside the box. And it was like such a simple, profound statement that I was like, holy smokes, what the hell am I, why am I trying to make this kid fit in the box? Like, she’s not gonna be in the box. Like she’s a unique, radical, unique child and that is a gift. So chill out self, let her make the giant things. And so I’ll never forget walking into kindergarten, I was so embarrassed at the time.

I was like volunteering a lot in her classroom. And I walked into that Valentine’s Day party that day. Just like, okay, this is not about me. Like if someone judges me for having that kid, whatever, if someone judges her for being that kid, whatever, she didn’t follow the directions and whatever. And, I, I remember the kids’ faces and she would hand them this giant thing and they were like, they didn’t even know what to do with it. They’re just like, oh, what is this? It’s my valenti’s Happy Valenti’s Day. And I. Just, it was just such a funny memory, but it’s like I just gave in And I was like, you know what, go for it. You be the leader of your Valentine’s.

Terry:
That’s awesome. I will never fit in the box. And, and gosh, you know, and if that sounds like kind of silly and humorous to you out there listening, it’s funny when you’re in it and these struggles are happening, it’s like, it, it can feel so much different. And So, I, I would, you know, ask, ask yourselves like in your little family unit, like take a step back from some of these things that you’re dealing with with your kids. And, I, imagine not all of ’em, but some of ’em are just like these, these, these things that are just kind of like more inconveniences than they really are. Like this giant like rift or this, this thing that, you know, it’s like causing physical harm or something like that.

Wendy:
Or your kid’s not obeying, like that word gets thrown around a lot and it’s like, sometimes they just, they just are trying to feel powerful.

Terry:
and they’re just not fitting in the box

Wendy:
And they’re not fitting in the box.

Terry:
And then there are things on the other side of things too where, you know, a power kid could be going into, you know, using, using their hands in ways they shouldn’t or physically hurting people or, you know, saying things that do hurt people now. Definitely. That those things have happened too. Yeah. which is not as funny of a story in the end. Yeah. But you know, there was a lot, there were, there were things going on there too. So, but what, but all of this work and, and helping to empower the power kid, all, all of the, the quote unquote like misbehavior or those things, they started to redirect themselves into healthier behavior.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
All all of them.

Wendy:
Yeah. And so it’s a good point about the revenge behavior. So when Terry’s talking about like, yeah, sometimes power kids, because they often are very competitive. They wanna be first, they like have a strong desire to lead. What happens guys is, is when we don’t meet them successfully where they’re at and fill up that need. Remember when our kids need buckets are like empty, negative or low, they misbehave. So what we find is power, kids power misbehavior, if not redirected effectively will turn into mis revenge misbehavior. Yeah. So, you know, again, we talk so much about how to redirect revenge misbehavior, but one of the best ways to do it is to empower your power kids.

So it doesn’t escalate into revenge misbehavior because power kids feel hurt when they’re constantly not respected. And that’s what happens with power kids a lot. It’s like, stop, stop doing that. Stop being you. Stop being so outside of the box, don’t do that. ’cause they’re, they’re constantly pushing the edges. And so it’s just good to know that when, when you get into this and embrace it, you’re preventing revenge behavior, which I think is very motivating. That’s

Terry:
Great. So number one was entrepreneurship. And

Wendy:
This is just what we’ve used with like what we’ve seen with Stella. So you guys are, you know, use your creativity, but you’re gonna find other ways to empower your kids. But yeah, number two, yeah.

Terry:
So yeah, that was one way that we found was, was a great way to let her lead. Yeah. Let her lead have her feel powerful. Entrepreneurship. She, yeah. So number two.

Wendy:
So sports has been another area, and I’m gonna say for, for you guys, it could be an activity or art too. But with Stella in particular, we tried some different things. So we tried ballet with her. We tried, what else? Did we try?

Terry:
Some gymnastics? Oh yeah,

Wendy:
Some gymnastics. Oh man, I got some good stories from those gymnastics here. Yeah. Ooh, that gymnastics when she was a toddler. Oh wow. That was, that was dicey. Yeah. So for those of you who have toddlers, remember sports when they’re really, really young is just a fun activity. We’re not like, I have a dear friend, Susie Walton, who’s the founder of the Joy of Parenting Program. Her son is the coach for the Lakers now. And she will tell you that like, she had four boys and like, you know, I think her boys started playing basketball like later in life and they were like a very strong basketball family. So we have to remember with sports, it’s, it’s like, just because we get our sport, our kids into sports at the age of four and make ’em practice every year, it doesn’t mean that they’re gonna be exceptional athletes.

It just, some kids are gonna have exceptional athletic skills.

Terry:
If it’s gonna happen if it’s gonna happen.

Wendy:
Exactly.

Terry:
I think that that was the message. It’s like, you know, the putting your kid into gymnastics at age three probably isn’t gonna increase their chance of becoming

Wendy:
Right.

Terry:
An Olympian gold medalist. I mean, it’s great if you recognize an aptitude and

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
And an enjoyment, like of course get ’em there. Not saying that, but I think there’s,

Wendy:
there’s a fine line there,

Terry:
there’s a seriousness I think a lot in a lot of parents of like, yeah. you know, like I, I’ve seen parents that are like analyzing their kids’ body type and stuff like that.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
Being Oh yeah. That, that, that’s what they’re gonna be, gonna get ’em into that. We’ll see. Hopefully. I mean, there’s scholarships in that, right? And you’re like, you’re looking at it and you’re like, your kid’s three, you’re thinking about a scholarship, like, right. So anyways, so

Wendy:
Yeah, you have to be careful with the sports thing because I’ve seen many, many families get into a pattern of overpacking their schedules being way too serious about the practicing. And before long there’s power struggles. There’s kids that are barely getting enough sleep. So just remember when they’re really young, it’s just activities. And then as they get older, I really recommend helping them find one sport that they’re gonna focus on. So with Stella in particular, we tried a few different things and then once we landed on beach volleyball at, at second grade, we were like, all right, cool. We like this. We’re gonna stick with it. And, and we had to, there was some times when she was, had a little bit of uncomfortableness because she wasn’t great at it yet.

So she, because she’s such a strong personality and wants to lead, she wanted from the beginning to be the leader of every volleyball match there was. And of course, kids have to learn, right? So you have to support them through that phase when they’re like, I don’t wanna go to practice because I’m not good at it. Right. And because the only way you get better at something is by practicing. Of course there’s, there’s also a natural aptitude like Terry mentioned, that some kids are gonna have and some kids aren’t. But we had to support her through that. So now we’ve seen how as a fifth grader and, and helping her get in beach volleyball consistently for three years.

She loves it. Yeah. Like she thrives on the volleyball court when she’s like, when she does a beach volleyball tournament, she is so happy out there. Like she is a competitive beast. Like she loves it. Speaking of competition, like she also loves like fundraising when it comes to school fundraisers and there’s a competition involved. She, the, the minute that fundraiser package comes home, she wants to hit the neighborhood and she knocks on every single door. And she’s, she’s one out of the whole 600, I think we have 600, maybe 700 kids at our school. Do you remember Something like that?

Terry:
Something like that.

Wendy:
She won first place one year this year. I think she came in second or third. But again, another area where she’s super, the competitiveness and her desire to lead and be number one is an asset. And when we’ve let we support her through that. So, but beach volleyball with the sports guys, it can be, it can be a really great way to honor their desire to feel powerful, but you just gotta get through the come of that sticky zone of sometimes they, they resist it a little bit because they’re not perfect at it yet. And so supporting them and, and encouraging them to still go, instead of just letting them quit without getting into that gnarly, like, Nope, you got it. You gotta finish it.

You gotta do it. You signed up for it. It’s like, no, I’m gonna support you through this because with more practice, you’re gonna be stoked. Like when a year or two from now and you’re winning matches, like, just imagine that feeling like you’re gonna love that little power kid.

Terry:
Yeah. So, so sports are an activity as, as our number two kind of topic of, of how we empowered our power kid. It, I think a lot of it came about too, because she’s a kinesthetic power kid.

Wendy:
Yes. Yeah.

Terry:
So it was giving her something to do, do with her hands in a physical, you know, physical activity that was going to be healthy. She was going to learn, she was gonna, you know, learn, learn cooperation with others. She was gonna get a chance to lead, but she was also gonna get a chance to exercise patience too. So I think this was like, this was great for her. And for, for any of you out there, I mean, recognizing that she was a kinesthetic kid was a, a much more positive way of looking at a kid who really just, you know, might use her hands

Wendy:
All.The.Time when she was a toddler Oh my gosh.

Terry:
All the time. And sometimes in, in, in ways that, you know, would be very overpowering,

Wendy:
Annoying

Terry:
And yeah. And so, so this was just a great thing, having sports or an activity to do with her hands. Yeah.

Wendy:
And so, yeah, I think you were saying when we were planning out this session or this episode was like, art can be exceptional or like chess if you have a kiddo that you’ve tried to support to get into a sport. ’cause I do think still always try to get your kid into some type of sport. Like it’s, I think encouraging them to get over the hump. Like a lot of kids will say, well, I’m just not sporty and that’s okay. And still try, still try. I’m a big fan of like self-defense classes, karate classes, like they’re phenomenal. But then also like, honor your kids if they want to be an artist or if they wanna be on the chess club or like the math team.

Wendy:
Like that’s another way to like hone their skillset and keep them consistently in something. So by the time they’re a little bit older, they can be proficient and feel like they’re leading things.

Terry:
Yeah.

Wendy:
Like for me as I, you know, I was, I grew up as springboard diver and that turned into like a career as a, as a diving coach for many years. I had my own program, And I felt for sure powerful leading that. But I wouldn’t have been able to do that if my parents didn’t encourage me to stick with that until the point where I was like proficient in Junior Olympics winning things and was able to be a really strong coach.

Terry:
Yeah. And, and maybe it’s also too, like for parents out there that have kids that aren’t sporty, maybe it’s just finding a physical activity where there’s not as heavy of a competition element to it.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
You know, and so that they still do get that physical activity. Maybe they, maybe they are kinesthetic, but they’re not competitive. you know,

Wendy:
Like Terrin, our little guy.

Terry:
Yeah. I mean, finding, he doing things to where there’s not really a winner or a loser at the end of the day. you know, he loves going out and skateboarding and riding a bike and, you know, doing, doing things that, that there’s not necessarily like, what was your score? you know?

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
It’s just, did you learn something new? How did it feel? you know, and that could be as simple as too, like, you know, encouraging your kid to go out on a, on a, on a hike, you know, hiking and then drawing, you know, what what you saw out on your hike.

Wendy:
Yeah. And that, and things like that. And, I love it because what, what you’re talking about is more like, let’s encourage our kids to be be physically active, right? Yeah. And that’s, that’s important for everybody. But I think those of you who specifically have the power kids, they, it often will coincide with a competitive spirit. Now with what we’re talking about with our little guy. He does still wanna feel powerful at times. Now he’s not our true power kid. But, it helps to still fill up his power bucket and when he is at skate. So he’s a big skateboarder when he is at skate and he nails like a new trick. You better believe that he feels powerful. He’s powerful, but he is different than our daughter who is a true like power kid to her core every second of the day.

She’s looking for an opportunity to lead. For the most part. It seems like TN is a little bit different, but he still has a desire to feel powerful a lot. ’cause he is a human being. And so it’s cool to like see that skateboarding, even though it’s not a super competitive sport. Like as far as competition, like Yeah.

Terry:
Scoring and, yeah.

Wendy:
Scoring. Yeah. Or like winning. He’s still, he still feels powerful in excelling at that sport and becoming good. And you better believe when he’s a 16 year old and he has stuck with that sport just like guitar, which we’re gonna talk about next with music. But when he’s 16 and he’s like killing it at the skate park and is one of the leaders and an instructor there, which he would make a great instructor one day, that is gonna be a way for him to feel so powerful in high school when it’s really important that our kids have elements that they feel powerful in high school. And also ways that they belong.

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Terry:
Yeah. I also noticed with him in particular too, for, again, to point out some of the things that might not be sports, but more of an activity is, is he’s always had a, a curiosity for photography probably. ’cause he,

Wendy:
he’s like his daddy

Terry:
and wanting Yeah. Dad’s got some cameras and things like that. And, I, you know, he always, you know, was very curious about it would want to, you know, touch ’em, hold him, take pictures. Yeah. And I, you know, found that the more that I, you know, empowered him with trusting him with, you know Yeah. Shooting a photo here and there. He he would just light up. Yes. He just would really light up. And so, you know, this started, you know, years ago, And I still like look through photos, you know, from my film camera and things like that. And remembering like, oh, Terrin shot that one. Terrin shot that one. And it’s so cool to think like, I handed over, you know, some of my cameras to like a three year old and things like that.

Terry:
But now fast forward eight years old, you know, he was, he saw me get a new camera not too long ago.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
He was really interested. And then he said, you know, I really want a camera one day. And I remembered, I had this camera sitting in the a a bin that, you know, is a nice camera, but nobody’s using it. And I just got to, I just said, you know what, buddy? You, you want a camera? How about I show you how this works and then you can keep this in your room. Yeah.

Wendy:
Yeah. And he was so pumped on that

Terry:
And giving him, you know, the, the power to, to be in charge, to be in charge, to charge it, to learn how to use it, to do all those things. Man, I, it, it, I could tell he was like puffing his chest out and he felt great and

Wendy:
that was so cool.

Terry:
It, it was awesome.

Wendy:
I’ve loved watching you over the years, like, let them take pictures because Terry has like, you know, is an incredible photographer and, and dabbles with film here and there, which is like, there’s not a lot of that anymore. So when you get those pictures developed and you bring ’em home and show the kids and they get to see like, oh my gosh, I took that. I think it’s another, it’s just one of the ways that you’ve really been great at empowering them over the years. Alright. you guys, our last category here that we’ve seen Stella feel power, power in over the last decade is her music. So music is just, gosh, an incredible thing for all of our kids to be in. What a gift, right? I mean, I just, I often have to pinch myself that we have the resources available to be able to allow our, give our kids lessons over the years.

So Stella started playing drums when she was in kindergarten and Taryn started playing. He has a guitar and a bass and electric guitar when he was in first grade. So Stella specifically, we saw from an early age. And so we’ll have to do another episode on really always being at the, on the lookout for your children’s unique qualities and honoring their uniqueness. But we saw Stella very young. She was like very, very creative out of the box. She would rap and beatbox Yeah. Like, and design songs from. So she was very musical and, and again, like Terry said, very kinesthetic. So in addition to all of her fun hitting and kicking and biting that she used to do when she was little, she would like, she’d be, she just had trouble sitting still.

Wendy:
Oh, she, I should say she just loved moving. Yeah. Like So I. I forget like exactly how we realized it, but I think it was from the beatboxing.

Terry:
Yeah. She would, she would sing a song and then you, you could tell that in her mind there was a, there was beyond the lyrics, there was a song going on in her head.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
And she was trying to beatbox at the same time as she was singing lyrics to like get this whole song that was in her head out of her mouth. But her mouth could only do so much. And

Wendy:
It’s so cool to think back about that because when it comes to her music, I feel like she’s got a little bit of a, like a, this is, I don’t want this to sound like pompous. Like what? It’s just an acknowledgement. I feel like she’s a little bit of a genius with it because like, she’ll learn a song, like she’ll hear a song and then she’ll go play on the drums like immediately. Like, Metallica, it’s, I didn’t even see how that’s possible. But she has like this profound ability and So I feel like back then that’s kind of a crazy ability when you think back to like, she was a three-year-old, we had like, she, she created the song called Gold. Yeah. And remember like the lyrics on that was insane. Be really cool. And then she beat boxed on top of that.

So she was able to hold a rhythm and sing lyrics and then recreate it. Like she, I don’t know, kind of genius or something

Terry:
And she performed too. So she, she had a little microphone. She performed it for people. So right. There was this, we, we looked at this girl and said, I, I just saw the beatboxing thing. I’m like, we gotta get some sticks in this kid’s hands. Yeah.

Wendy:
Because you were a drummer.

Terry:
Yeah, I was a drummer. Yeah. And then, but she seemed, you know, young to start, I mean, there wasn’t a program. We just, we just kind of looking around. We heard that a first grade teacher at her school also taught drums

Wendy:
Yeah. Best teacher ever.

Terry:
And was a drummer. So we went to him, and said, you know, hey, you, you want to do drum lessons? And he asked how old she was. And I remember there was this like, well, she’s pretty young, I think we’ll know it, it it will either work or it won’t. And yeah, after that first lesson he said, it’s gonna work. And, and so,

Wendy:
And she could hit those drums as hard as she wanted. That was like one of those areas where we were at that time trying to like, still, still like, Hey, keep your hands to yourself. you know? But at drums we said, you can hit those drums as hard as you want kid. Like, this is where you get to hit.

Terry:
So that I think, you know, she saw that we were respecting her. That was like a cool privilege to get to go and do that. She had an outlet for this creativity, for her kinesthetic nature. She also, through this awesome teacher, he, the way that he split things up, he also let her feel powerful too, because yes, he taught her some fundamentals and would have, you know, sheet music and things like that. But then he also, then, you know, he split it up into thirds. There was the fundamentals and then there was, he would have her play alongside of him, something so that she would mimic him. And then he would just let her choose, what do you wanna play?

That’s cool. And he’d let her play anything. Yeah. And so that was like how they would, they would do their, their lessons and they did that for years and years and years. And so she got to feel powerful through that music.

Wendy:
Yeah. And, and an important thing that I loved about that instructor that we, we just this year parted waves with because Stella was ready to be in a, like a formal band. She gets, she goes now to a program called The School of Rock and is playing a Black Sabbath show in three months that I am like still pinching myself that I’m gonna get to see my kids, lay it on the drums and play black sabb

Terry:
Yeah. On the stage, like, oh my god. Yeah.

Wendy:
She, it’s insane.

Terry:
Yeah, she’s, she’s, she gets up on the stages. No problem. I mean, it’s one of those things I’m like, I don’t know how you don’t have the jitters. And it’s the opposite. Not only is she not nervous she looks forward to it.

Wendy:
Yeah. She’s played at the House of Blues a few times that you’re like, she doesn’t, she doesn’t even get nervous, like at all. It’s crazy.

Terry:
Yeah.

Wendy:
But back to that teacher, one thing, important element that I think for you guys who have the power kids of what we saw him do. So naturally, like, and we later learned about this, like my mentor Susie Welton would tell me this, and I heard her tell me this, but he naturally did it. I never even had to say anything, but he never made her practice. Never. He might’ve encouraged it like, Hey, if, if you wanna get really good, like you probably wanna pick up your sticks at home and practice. But there was never this element of like, now if you don’t practice, you are like, there’s gonna be consequences or like any type of like, you have to practice because for her being a power kid, she probably would’ve lost a little bit of joy because someone was making her do something.

Terry:
Oh definitely. Well, and I’ll, I’ll be the, the case study for that. So I was a drummer at her age, had much more of an authoritative form of, you know, drum instruction.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
And I quit by the time I was in eighth grade just because I was just tired of being told what I had to do. It sucked the fun out of it.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
And we just vowed and or her teacher vowed just to like, don’t suck the fun out of it.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
Like, he even like advised us to go, like, we were like, at one point we’re like, Hey, there’s, you know, there’s band at this, this school is more of like an orchestra type thing, you know, do you think we should get still into that? And he just looked at her at us. I remember he was like, it’s not for her. Yeah. He goes have her jam with some friends or something, but I don’t think that’s for her.

Wendy:
Yes, exactly.

Terry:
And I. I thought that was

Wendy:
His name is, is Mr. Dennis Rhoda. If you happen to be in San Diego and need an epic drum teacher, he’s, he has an in-home studio and like, just the most incredible setup. But yeah, he, it was beautiful. And now like with, with Terrin, we try to mimic that same thing. I mean, he goes to the same school of rock and we just always tell his teacher, Hey, we’re just here to have fun. And, and when he wants to pick it up, he picks it up. But otherwise it’s just like, Hey, have fun with it. Learn why you’re here. And then if, if you wanna get better it, you know how to do it. But I think that’s, that’s an important element when you’re talking about with your kids in music, if you’ve got the power kids, because you’ll find that if you try to start forcing practice, you’re gonna end up in some power struggles and they’re gonna wanna quit.

Yeah. So just keep that in mind.

Terry:
Great. I would just encourage everybody that if you do recognize that you have a power kid is find your version of these.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
Get really curious, like Wendy said, and it, it, that is a huge part of unlocking, you know, this part of, of raising a power kid.

Wendy:
Yes.

Terry:
And having some joy and seeing them have joy along the way and then fostering it into something that blossoms into something amazing. And I can tell you, like seeing her now in all of these things. Yeah. It’s amazing.

Wendy:
Yeah. They’re literally like watching her, we just, she just had a show a few nights ago where she drummed with three of her gal pals. They, they had designed like a whole set. They played, they started off with Green Day and then they went into black Sabbath, and then they finished with a Metallica song and they kind of like, they all worked and designed it, so they did, you know, a little part of each song and it was a radical performance. And I will tell you that. It brings me so much joy to watch her drum because I can just tell she’s so happy. She’s so in her element, and it’s all led by her.

Terry:
Yep.

Wendy:
So, all right, you guys, well Thank you for listening. I hope that inspires you to just see your power kid, if you’ve got one, if you’re blessed with one, I promise you it’s a blessing to see them in just a beautiful light and to just really, like Terry said, start to get creative and just be on the lookout for any opportunity you can find to empower them, because by empowering them, you’re not being permissive or weak. You’re actually being a really strong leader and and mentoring them on how to be a strong leader and fill their need to feel powerful. All right, families, that’s a wrap. I hope you love today’s episode as much as I loved recording it for you.

If you are wanting to learn more about what we teach at Fresh Start Family, one of the best places to start is by heading over to freshstartfamilyonline.com/firmandkind to check out our Firm and Kind Parenting Blueprint, which is our simplest, easy to finish program that’ll teach you all about our signature four step process to setting strong boundaries and following through with firmness and kindness. Again, that’s freshstartfamilyonline.com/firmandkind. But otherwise, thanks so much for listening. And I can’t wait to see you back next time for another episode.

For links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode. Head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/189.

Stella:
For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening, families, have a great day.