In this week of Thanksgiving, what more appropriate to cover than gratitude. 

Join Terry and Wendy, the Fresh Start Family Co-Hosts and positive parenting duo, as they express gratitude for their greatest teachers in this world — Their children. 

This episode is to help parents recognize their children as their greatest teachers and to walk through their parenting journey with a spirit of gratitude through all of the highs and lows.

Through this episode parents will see all the learning opportunities children give us and learn to:

1. Utilize modeling as our #1 parenting tool. 
2. Recognize that the areas we’re struggling in most with our kids’ behaviors, are often areas we too are struggling in.
3. Have self-confidence as parents & see learning moments as blessings!

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Raising A Strong Willed, Intense or Sensitive Child? If yes, I have a FREE gift for you!

This free bundle comes with an extensive learning guide & FREE workshop with me, where I’ll teach you ways to build connection & methods to work WITH your strong willed kids instead of trying to MAKE THEM change. 

Inside this FREE learning bundle I’ll teach you:
*Firm & kind strategies to navigate challenging behavior with firm kindness & connection (vs. fear, force, yelling, threats & bribery)
*Ways to build connection instead of pushing your child away w/ heavy handed “hand me down parenting tactics”
*How to work WITH your kids instead of forcing them to comply or trying to MAKE them change

Click here to grab your free bundle now & start learning today!

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Episode Highlights:

• Finding learning in the trial periods
• Common areas of struggle: self-control, abundant thinking, assuming the best
• Learning moments from our kiddos – Stella and Terrin
• There is no time requirement on “taking pauses”
• Overcoming the doubt in your parenting walk

Resources Mentioned:

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Not able to listen or want to read along with us?

Here is the episode transcript!

Wendy:
This episode is brought to you by Fresh Start Family lesson bundles, your fast track to quick results with learning and implementing positive parenting successfully. Head to freshstartfamilyonline.com and click the shop tab to learn more.

Stella:
Well, Hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast The Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus and rock and roll and believe deeply in the true power of loving kindness together. We hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show!

Wendy:
Well, hey there families and welcome to a new episode of the fresh start family show. I am excited to chat with you today about how we can have gratitude for our kids being our greatest teachers. And the good news is, is I have Terry with us today. We just finished recording another podcast episode and he was about to make himself a nice lunch. And I was like, Hey, you want to record one more with me and make yourself a smoothie instead? And because he’s the greatest guy on the planet, he said, yes. So thank you for being here today, Terry, and thank you for joining us for this chat. It is obviously Thanksgiving week this week.

Wendy:
So I thought it would be great to talk about gratitude and we’re, you know, everyone’s talking about gratitude right now, thankfulness obviously with the holiday coming up. But this month in our bonfire support community, we are in the midst of what we call our two week gratitude challenge. So we actually, every month inside of the bonfire support community, which is where we do live coaching. And we have an extended support system for families and a huge library of positive parenting lessons and just a really tight knit community in there. But every month we have some type of contest. So you can, sometimes you win, you know, a hot seat coaching with me where you get one-on-one time with me, or sometimes you win a gift card to our fresh start family shop page, where we have tons of books and resources and all these cool things.

Wendy:
And this month, the contest is that we are practicing gratitude for 14 days straight, where at the end of the day or beginning of the day, you record 10 things that either rent really well or that you’re really grateful for, or that you realize is a blessing in your life or areas that you have grown or your kids have grown. Just anything that is something that you want to thank God for, or just express gratitude for. And our community every single year is just floored by what a difference this makes when we come together as a community to do this. And so it really is a fantastic practice. Now, some of you may do daily gratitude every day. Some of you may not for me, I always want to, but to create a habit out of it is something I’m always trying to really get solidified.

Wendy:
But today, what we wanted to chat with you about is this idea of having gratitude for our children, being our greatest teachers, which often comes through the challenges that we face with them. So there’s a quote by Charles Spurgeon, where he says “trials, teach us what we are. They dig up the soil and let us see what we are made of” and Terry – would you agree that there is nothing like parenthood? Like in my experience, in my entire life, no challenge that has dug up so much soil and rooted it all around and shook me up and expose so many things like parenthood has

Terry:
A hundred percent. I mean, it’s like, I it’s like something I never would have expected and you know, it can be uncomfortable at times, but really, I mean, getting to know yourself and flipping the script on, you know, you thinking that you’re always the teacher when really we are so much the student in, in most of life and including when you’re with your, your little humans is like, it was such an unexpected thing. I think becoming a parent and realizing that, you know, you were going to learn so much and they were going to teach you, you know, it’s like, it it’s so different than I would have ever expected and rad.

Wendy:
Yeah. And I mean, we definitely had a shift, right. And it was when we both kind of started positive parenting and that got exposed and started our, our, our life coaching journey. Both of us have been through a lot of life coaching coursework, but before we found positive parenting, we really thought like, Hey, our children are here to learn from us. And we are the bosses. And as long as you, you know, remain like keep control and you keep them in check and make sure you don’t let them, you know, if you give an em and give them an inch, they’ll take a mile. Like we were the ones who thought we were always teaching them. And then it’s, it definitely shifted as soon as we started this work and we started to realize, dang, there’s a, there’s a lot that we could do to grow that then wildly affect our children.

Wendy:
But so that’s what we’re going to talk to you about today. And so there’s a scripture that I love that I thought I would read today just to kind of set a cool tone for us. And it’s from James 1:2, and it says, “dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind, come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy for you know, that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete needing nothing.” And something.

Terry:
Boom!

Wendy:
What I have really learned in life is that I used to think the goal was to get rid of all the problems. So it was like with, with kids and behavior, it was like, let’s just not have any misbehavior, right? Like let’s, let’s just not have any hiccups. Let’s not have any bumps. Let’s like if we could just get to a point where we’re not making mistakes, what I’ve learned though, is that it’s completely unrealistic. Like if you are a human being, raising human beings, then there are going to be mistakes. There’s going to be spilled milk. There are going to be things said, there are going to be nights where you have an argument and sleep on the couch, or there are going to be moments where your kids and you are totally on the same page are not on the same page.

Wendy:
There’s going to be, there’s just going to be regrets. There’s going to be messes. And I think this, the scripture is so beautiful because if you can build your endurance to get through them with integrity, it just changes everything. Right? It’s like that. Also the idea of, I think a lot of us were raised with the idea that happy was the emotion you wanted all the time, but again, something we teach and we’re so passionate about teaching here is that happiness is just as, you know, sad, hurt, scared and angry are equally, you know, impactful emotions that make up the wholeness of life.

Wendy:
And, and kids really have a tendency to give you the opportunity to feel angry, hurt, sad, and scared. And so when you equip yourself with the ability to do that again, you’re just able to face life and endure the highs and lows that come with being a human being so much better.

Terry:
Yeah. And I would emphasize to like the highest too. I mean, cause there’s so much, you know, I think we, you know, here we are, of course we’re we want to support people through the lows. Cause those are, you know, obviously more challenging, but you know, me realizing that my kids could be one of my greatest teachers also as for the highs too, like there’s so much fun that I’ve gotten to have with both Terrin and Stella realizing that like I can approach life in a more childlike manner and learn alongside of them. Whether it’s like some physical activity or a sport or, oh, Hey, let’s go skate together, Terrin or let’s..

Terry:
Okay. You know what? I’m going to try to learn a new trick too. Or you know what you’re into, you know, doing this thing on your bike, I’m going to go like try to be better at that too. Or music or anything at all. It’s like, it’s all a chance to like experience all the, the highs as well as the lows and the challenges to alongside of them. Instead of just kind of just saying, okay, you’re the one growing, you’re the one who needs to learn. Here’s some nice words to help support you. It’s like, I’ve gotten the opportunity to just dive in and be the student too. And it’s been amazing to feel those highs that come along with that.

Terry:
It’s like the victories are so cool. Yeah. It’s I dunno, it lights me up. So I’m, I have a lot of gratitude for being a student alongside of my kids and, and every once in a while, when you’re not expecting it and you, you you’ll totally feel this where it’s like, oh my gosh, they just taught me something and I wasn’t expecting that.

Wendy:
Absolutely. It’s so true. There is a book. I’ll make sure we put it in the show notes page, but there’s a book called the little soul and the sun it’s written by Neil Walsh. And I love this book because it it’s, it just dials in on exactly what we’re talking about today. So the story is that there is this little soul and you know, he he’s like talking to God and he’s like, I wanted to be the light. I wanted to be the light. And God’s like, cool. Well, in order to be the light, you also have to know what it’s like to be the darkness. So he sends him down and he ends up like having to do things, to give people the opportunity, to forgive, to give people the opportunity, to grow patients, to give people the opportunity to grow compassion or, you know, to, to have empathy for someone that’s totally not on the same page for them.

Wendy:
And it’s just a beautiful book. It’s like a children’s book, but it’s also a parent book, right? It’s like for both of us. So I’d highly recommend you get that from the library. Or we do feature it on our shop page on their fresh start family website too. But I just love this book and it is so true. Right. I’ve heard our pastor amount, Myles MacPherson at the rock church here in San Diego. Say it a bunch of times, but it’s like, you don’t really know, like it’s like, we’re like teabags, right? Like when you look at a teabag, you, you look at it and you can even smell it and you don’t really know what kind of teabag it is until he gets dipped in boiling water. And then, you know, and human beings are kind of the same way, right? Like, you know, sure.

Wendy:
We can all be like kind and compassionate and empathetic and forgiving and help our neighbor when things are good. But when someone does something unkind to you or when someone seems like they’re selfish or when your neighbor has never helped you in the neighborhood and like it’s a lot harder to be all those things. So that’s what I think kids do so much of the time is when there is these challenging situations or you have these seasons of life with a strong-willed kid or when they make big mistakes, that, that’s what I like to think of it. It is, they are giving you an opportunity to slow down.

Wendy:
They’re giving you an opportunity to learn how to, to assume the integrity, assume the positive, assume the light in another human being. They’re giving you the opportunity to slow out, slow down and listen and hold space and hear their side of things. Like there’s just so many things that they’re doing. They’re giving us an opportunity to forgive. They’re giving us an opportunity to learn how to be compassionate. Right. So yeah, I have so many stories, but I’ll tell you one to give you kind of a, a real life situation. I know Terry, you kind of have a story or two to give a real life application, look at it too. But one of the first times I realized just what a great teacher Stella was for me was when she was about three.

Wendy:
And I was just kind of learning positive parenting. And I got invited to my first weekend, personal development life coaching course called freedom to be, which we now, I now teach here at fresh sharp family. If you’re interested in doing that, that weekend personal development course with us, we have a wait list going for our next course. It’s you can find that waitlist at freshstartfamilyonline.com/freedomcourse. But so 10 years ago was I was going through that for the first time. And it was a lot of concepts that I had never been exposed to before about forgiveness and forgiving yourself and others and stopping the blame cycle that we often do as humans that we don’t even realize, or like realizing the type of tones we carry throughout the day.

Wendy:
But I came home and it was the very next morning I was kind of on cloud nine for on Sunday night, felt like a different human being. And then Monday morning you went to work and I’d say before that class, I was definitely, I would kind of, I remember, I don’t know if I ever actually did this Terry, but I like picture me, like holding you by your collar. Not that you ever were a collared shirt. Cause he always worked with factions where it’s industry, but holding you and being like, babe, do you have to go to work? Like, do you have to leave me with this three-year-old and this like colicky baby, like, please don’t leave me. Do you, did I ever do that? Or does that just like my weird memory?

Terry:
I don’t know if it was like that, but I, I can definitely feel, feel that from that era.

Wendy:
Because at the time you were commuting sometimes three hours a day, you were on the freeway going up to orange county. And I was just like, honey, I don’t, I don’t know how I’m going to get through this day. Like, I literally don’t know what to do with this little strong-willed girl, but on that morning, Terry left for work. And I went to nurse, the baby and Stella came up and she was like, I want that stool, this little, that little wooden stool number. And I was like, no, honey, I like to have it to be ergonomic when I, you know, blah, blah, blah. And she had, she just started to throw a fit. And in the past I would have like tried to practice positive parenting, but then kind of ended up just freaking out and throwing the hammer and threatening, or I don’t know, locking her in time out or whatever and just then coming in.

Terry:
Figurative hammer, not a literal hammer, not throwing hammers.

Wendy:
Yeah. I do say that word all the time. I praise all the time, but on this morning it was different. And so she started to freak out and I was like, okay. I just naturally felt more empathy and compassion for her. And I was able to actually walk away, which had already always been my goal. So I grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling. There was a lot of reactivity. There was, there was just a lot of like that’s. I knew how to do that. And I knew I wanted to do it differently with my little girl with my kids. So on that day I was more naturally able just to get up step, walk away and say, Hey, I think we need both need to calm down. I don’t want to do something I regret. So I went in the bedroom, close the door with Terrin and she was pounding on the door, pounding, pounding, pounding, and finally like seven minutes later, which felt like it was probably 37, but she stopped.

Wendy:
And I was like, okay, let me go, come back out. And she was just sobbing and I just hugged her. And I said to her, honey, what is what’s going on? Like, and she was like, I’m so mad. And I was like, I know I’m like, why tell me why, why aren’t, you know, why are you so mad? And, but she said to me was because I’m just so mad. And it was the first time I had ever been able to actually listen and hear what my daughter was actually saying to me and what she was saying, what I realized that I had never heard or been willing to, you know, understand was that she hated being so reactive to cause at the time I was like, I, I would get really angry at her and then I would freak out and react and guess what?

Wendy:
That was exactly what she was doing at the time too. Like she got really angry about something she would freak out. I mean, we have so many stories of her throwing things down the stairs, or just lots, lots of, kind of wild situations with her. So she said, I’m so mad. Cause I get mad. And I was like, oh my gosh, I finally heard that. And I said, honey, oh my gosh, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I am the I’m realizing I am the same exact way. Like I don’t know why I get so mad, but I get so mad. And now after 10 years of this work, I realized it’s because I was just modeled to me, my whole life, anger, like explosive anger and really big arguments in my home was just like, that’s just the way you did it.

Wendy:
And so of course it makes sense why it’s taken me so long to like break that habit. But back then I was like, oh my gosh, honey, we are together. Like we are going to figure this out together. And we freaking have, right. Like, I mean, I know I’m not perfect, but we have her and I have, from that day forward was like such a pivotal moment for us. When I finally realized that it wasn’t about me teaching my daughter, how to like calm down when she’s angry and not freak out. But it was actually about me learning the exact same thing that my three-year-old had was going through. And it wasn’t because I taught her that. I mean, sure. There was probably some reasons why she knew how to do that, that involved her watching me.

Wendy:
But it was just factual that I had never healed from that I had never been taught. How do you feel angry or how do you feel like when someone won’t do what you want or someone disrespects you or you feel hurt by someone or whatever it is, what do you do with that without freaking out yelling, raising your voice slamming doors? I had never learned that. And here I was given this opportunity with, beside my daughter to learn it. And like I said, it was just a very pivotal moment for us. And so to this day, I just it’s like, I know I would not be here teaching.

Wendy:
We would not have this podcast. We would not be helping, you know, thousands and thousands of families do things different than what was done to them in their home. If it wasn’t for Stella having so many challenging behaviors during that season of life. Well, Hey there families, I’m pausing this episode for a quick minute to ask you if you would be interested in learning more about how to design healthy, effective firm and kind logical consequences when your kids misbehave or make mistakes. Awesome. I see so many of you nodding your heads.

Wendy:
Yes, yes, yes. Cool. Well, you’re in luck because I’ve designed a free learning guide about how to do exactly that you can head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/disciplineguide to grab your free download now.

Terry:
Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I mean, teaching can sometimes just be in the form of like what she was doing there. It was just expressing that this is the way she was feeling and she didn’t know what to do with it. And you’re like, yeah, me too. So let’s, let’s do something different, like let’s learn together. And then, and then you have the opportunity to go back to being, you know, the adult leader of like bringing in resources and how are we going to practically do that? So a lot of times this, you know, this teaching from our kids looks like just being so pure. And so I think just, you know, just who, who they are, you know, we, we have a lot of our, you know, shortcomings and, you know, maybe baggage that we bring is covered up by so many other things.

Terry:
And we just kind of go life through life feeling like we’re pretty well equipped. It’s amazing when the purity of a child, like, you know her at that age could just be like, I just am so mad and I don’t like being mad and you’re just like, oh my gosh. You’re like, she’s she hasn’t had it all covered up by layers of years and all these things of just like, I’m okay, I’m good. I’m a parent. I, you know, she just expressed that and it’s beautiful that it was such a mirror to you and that you also received that because I think that’s, you know, that’s part of the message here too, is like, you gotta be ready to receive it and be open to it because those moments could just kind of come and go and you don’t even realize it.

Terry:
You don’t realize that it’s an opportunity for growth or that they can be a teacher to you.

Wendy:
Yeah. And what’s cool is that she actually didn’t say those words, she didn’t say I’m so mad because I get so mad. It was like a three-year-old version of that. But that is finally what I fricking heard. Like I finally saw that this little girl was hurting. She wasn’t just trying to be a pain in the ass. Like she honestly was wanting to figure this out and she just didn’t have the tools or the resources. And that’s like such a painful way to live is to be in this freak out mode and not know how to do it differently. But like, she didn’t actually say those whole words of like mother. I would like to learn how to be angry with hell to freaking out or mom, I don’t know why I get so angry, you know, but the fact is is that I finally was able to hear it.

Wendy:
So yeah. And then to be able to like take forward steps with compassion was a very important part of that journey too, because I, you know, a history and think I grew up where you just kind of beat yourself up and there was a lot of guilt and shame and that hadn’t been working for me. So to be able to move forward and to be like, okay, we’re going to learn this together. So I have another story about Terrin. And then maybe you could give an example of where like the kids have encourage you to like step into learning or where they’ve helped be your teacher Terry. But so there was another situation with Terrin that, oh my gosh, totally rocked my world. I know it was hard for you too.

Wendy:
But so we were, I was at the park one night with all my best girlfriends and we were playing on the, on the, the kids were playing on the play structures. And I, again, I was like very early in my positive parenting educator journeys. So I feel like I had just become an educator or maybe had been trying to teach in the local San Diego area for maybe four or five months. And at the time I really like use the verbiage a lot that like my kids were crazy. Like I really thought that right. And it was like hurtful when I looked back that I used to say that, but we replay they’re playing on the play structure. And Terrin was just like three and a half years old. And he’s always been like the most sweetest kind hearted sold kid.

Wendy:
But at the time he was like super kinesthetic and active, always has been, they were playing and he made a big mistake and he pushed our friend’s little boy off a play structure and it ended up like fracturing his wrist. And let me tell you, it was so gnarly. Like I felt so bad. Of course, like it was so sad to see this little guy hurt and, and it just spun me into like a full three or four days of like, almost like a mini depression where I was like, what am I doing? Does this stuff even work? Like, are my kids just crazy? And I’m in denial and I don’t know if you remember, I’m sure you do.

Wendy:
But we, I always give this example when I’m teaching. Because when I teach about pause buttons or heart connectors, I always say, it’s not about the length of time they can be when you take a calming break or a pause button or heart connector, which we teach inside the foundations course, it can be five seconds or it can be three days. Like when I sent Terrin to grandma’s house after this, and he stayed with her for three days. So I could like figure out what I was going to do and how I was going to move forward, because I was so scared in that moment. Like of, of course we handled it with our friends. We were in conversation with them. We did anything possible to support them as they were getting, like, I think he had to have a little cast for a little bit.

Wendy:
And we, of course we paid their medical bills, all the things, but it took me three days to really stop and pray and say, God, what is happening here? Like what do I need to do here? And thank God, it gave me an opportunity to actually be rooted in faith that we were doing the right thing. Like this kid had just made a mistake. He’s not a bad kid. He didn’t need to be hurt or shamed or critical ridiculed or punished. And we did all the things we did, all of the logical consequences and the teaching and all of the things we could do. We did makeups. We did redos.

Wendy:
We did practicing with, with, you know, little people, what you do when you get excited and the dangers of being high on a structure, all the things. But that time gave me the opportunity to really grow my faith in the work and to grow my faith in communicating with God and saying, Jesus guide me here because I am struggling. I am terrified of judgment. I’m terrified of maybe, maybe I’m just got it all wrong. Maybe I should just bring this kid home and give him a good spin. Like I just was, there was doubt everywhere. And that opportunity, that, that challenge gave me the opportunity to develop my faith.

Wendy:
And thank God we saw it through, right? Like, because Terrin has never touched another child in his life. He literally can’t even barely kill an ant. When we have an ant infestation in our house, like he’s just not an aggressive kid. He had just made a mistake and it sucks. And it was hard, but he also gave another child the opportunity to forgive because human beings, they make mistakes. Like, so he gave me an opportunity. Forgive, he, he gave me an opportunity to grow in my faith and to really be rooted and trust that we do what I teach and, and it really, it really did work.

Wendy:
And to this day, we’re still great friends with that family and thank God he healed up well. And so, yeah, it’s just like another story that comes to mind.

Terry:
Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That was a, that was a big one for sure.

Wendy:
And then one more thing before you tell yours, Terry is I think it was a few months later after that I went in to the bathroom and Terrin at the time the kids had this pattern of pouring out the organic bubble bath that I used to buy the honest, organic bubble bath for like $10 a bottle. And, you know, they’re still developing their self control. And so he would pour out all the bubbles if I went out of the room for like a second and I came in one day and he had poured it all out and I just screamed. I said something like, what like I’ve told you a thousand times. And he just looked at me and started like bawling crying.

Wendy:
And, and I was like, oh my gosh, I’m an awful human being. And I like basically ran into my room and just cried. And I was like, okay. So I’m still learning how to do this. Frickin feel angry without being a crazy woman. But I was just so sad and I came back in and I said to him, honey, I’m so sorry. Like I sh I shouldn’t, you don’t deserve to be yelled at. I just was really, really sad that that bubble bath, I just bought it and our budget probably doesn’t allow us to buy more. So it’s, it’s gone and I shouldn’t have yelled at you. You didn’t deserve that. And he just looked right at me and his little, like four year old and he said, mama, it’s okay. Everybody makes mistakes. And I was like, oh my gosh, like, okay, what we’re teaching him?

Wendy:
It’s important because one of the biggest tenants of what we teach here at fresh family is that mistakes to not make you a bad person, they don’t make you someone that doesn’t deserve love or someone that deserves to be hurt or made fun of, or humiliated or freaked out on. I just had a private session today where she said, you know, I used to get yelled at a lot when I was a teenager, but I deserved it. So it’s like, no, like we want to teach our kids. You don’t ever deserve to be disrespected. You just make mistakes. Like, it’s just, you can make amends, you can ask for forgiveness, you can do something to repair the relationship.

Wendy:
But this little boy at the tender age of four was now teaching me that after he had learned it and been given grace and compassion for a big mistake he had made.

Terry:
Man, I think we spend a lot of time talking about Stella on this podcast as our, one of our greatest teachers. And so you’re probably listeners, if you’ve listened at all, you’ve probably heard a fair amount of Stella story. So today’s Terrin’s moment. And for me, you know, it’s like, while Stella has taught me so much, you know, Terrin for me as a dad, you know, looking at him as this, you know, a little miniature version of myself, you know, I see him in ways when he’s struggling with something that, you know, I see him, you know, probably differently than he sees himself, you know, just the way, you know, God sees us differently than the way we see ourselves.

Terry:
You know, the, the, the, you know, we see our kids. I mean, it’s not about perfection, but it’s more about being like complete and capable and you want to encourage them and have them not, you know, not limit themselves by, you know, but by being, you know, unkind to themselves. So, I mean, Terrin is definitely the kid that, you know, I see him as this miniature version of myself and he walks through life and, you know, he has times where he definitely doubts himself. And sometimes that doubt comes in the form of, you know, oh, this is a new social setting with a lot of people that I don’t know, or it’s a new thing.

Terry:
Yeah. I’m probably just not going to do that or something where I’m not going to be the best or something. Yeah, for sure. So, I mean, it can be for a lot of different reasons, but it just kind of, you can tell it, spins him out in his head and then he kind of either shuts down a little bit or he, you know, displays different, you know, nervous behaviors or what have you. And then when he does, you know, you know, of course I come alongside of him, encourage him try to speak truth over him. And when he does, you know, push through those things, there’s, there’s triumph on the other side. There’s so such an amazing thing on the other side.

Terry:
But, you know, sometimes it comes with a little bit of messiness or sometimes you stumble along the way, or sometimes there’s just this period of discomfort that you don’t know how long it’s going to last, but, you know, it will pass. So I’m always, you know, seeing him as my, my little guy to like, encourage through those things. And then I find myself in these situations and, you know, when I have a moment of clarity, I realize I’m like, oh my gosh, I am the same little kid with similar fears, with similar nervous things with, so, you know, similar doubts, whether it’s starting, you know, a new job or speaking up for something that I, that I believe in or trying something new, or, you know, worrying about if I’m going to perform at the level that I think I’m at, or, you know, just all those things sometimes just kind of come colliding in, in your own little brain.

Terry:
And it’s like, I can just see it in him. And it’s, it’s in me too. I mean, so I I’ve seen him do that, whether it be going and trying a new sport or being around kids that, you know, or a setting that he, you know, is not used to, you know, he definitely shies away from it gets, gets nervous about it. You know, maybe he doesn’t even want to do it at all to begin with. And then, and then when he does step into it, it it’s th there’s a lot of anxiety in there. And I think, you know, everybody to some degree can feel that, but, you know, I feel it’s so much with him and then I feel it when I’m in those situations too, you know, so, you know, I, this is something that I don’t know that you necessarily grow out of it.

Terry:
You can definitely get better at it. And I think the getting better is just being aware of it. Oh my gosh, I’m in one of these moments, I need to be kind to myself right here. I need to speak truth over myself. And then, you know, sometimes that’s just that moment comes after you’ve actually slipped and fallen even a little further and maybe said something to yourself. That’s just not true. So I can think specifically, you know, of a moment I had this past summer where I, I entered myself into a body surfing competition, the world body surfing championships,

Wendy:
And made it to the top 10.

Terry:
But before that happened, I mean, it’s like, so here I was like, okay. My goal was to like, have fun, but of course do well. Okay. So, you know, have fun. Do well,

Wendy:
You didn’t want to go and be last in your first. Oh, that’s your second body surfing competition, but yeah,

Terry:
The second one. Yeah. So anyways, so I’m there at the competition, all the things running through my head. Okay. This is, you know, I got to conserve energy on the swim out. This is what the conditions are like. This is where I want to get to. These are the people I’m up against blah, blah, blah. You know, all these things. Here’s what I’m going to put my backpack. It’s got my valuables in it. I’m going to sit it right here. I’m going to be over here. My family is showing up at this time. What time is my thing? You know? So all of the things are going through my head and I sit my backpack town on the beach and then kind of like this, hurry. I go to like kind of half jog away from it.

Terry:
And there’s like a rock half buried in the, in the sand, like a decent sized rock. And I just go, boom, stub my toe on it. Like kind of blow up my toenail a little bit. And, and I was like, oh man, you know of all things to do. It’s like, I got to put a fin on my foot. This is the thing I need. Like my toes are kind of important. Cause they attached to my feet that are gonna kick me out to the lineup and all these things. And when the body surfing. So I just like, oh, I just have this. Like, I can’t believe I just did that. What are you doing? You’re not paying attention. You, what are you, why are you so freaked out right now that you can’t even pay attention to like a rock on the ground so that,

Wendy:
And like a harsh beating yourself up and you, and you actually like said something really?

Terry:
No. Do you gotta wait? I gotta wait because I did this. I went out, I swam out for my heat and I, I did, I did well, I think I got first place in that, that he did. I came back in my family’s there. I just wanted to like, you know, in me I wanted to just like, you know, be like, ah, stoked. I did well, this is great. You know, but the competition’s not over yet. Like I have more to go. So my family’s around me. They came to support me, which was so rad, seeing them up on the pier was so cool. I go and I’m like, okay, I gotta go over to my backpack and grab something.

Terry:
And I hadn’t had a chance to even like be stoked or like receive anything from them. And I go to my backpack, turn around and turn around. I do the half jog again. And I kick the same rock again. This time worse. Like I, two toes are like peeled back on the, on the tips of them, skin flapping, blood flowing. And then there’s my family. And I just was like, I am such an idiot. And he said it aloud. And I said it loud. And my, yeah, my son was, I mean, my whole family was there and I remembered your face of just like really like, you know, like it was just like one of those things where it was just like, well, I was so mad at myself and like, go ahead.

Terry:
What were you gonna say?

Wendy:
What did that really is, is just that it’s. That was a really of like, dude you’re doing great. Like you’re not an idiot. Like that rock is a booby trap. We were joking that it was like the Hawaiian like security for the defen.

Terry:
Yeah. So the 10th that I was hiding my backpack.

Wendy:
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Wendy:
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Wendy:
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Wendy:
Back to the show. But like my, that really was like, oh my gosh, honey, you’re killing it. Like, don’t start, don’t start this, like beating yourself up and doubting yourself and all these things. So, but in the moment I think, you know, this story just goes to like, I think what you’re sharing Terry is that when you see it in your son, it prompts you to remember that you are learning the same thing as him and what we’ve talked about many times. And when I always educate my students on too, is that you can teach your son how to change that. Right? Like, so Terrin yesterday, he thought he left his eye, his AirPods on the plane and he didn’t say I’m such an idiot, but he said something to the level of like, you could tell his self-talk was going to like, oh my gosh, I’m such an idiot.

Wendy:
Why, how could I do that? And immediately I started saying, Hey honey, everyone makes mistakes. Like I’ve left things on airplanes. It’s if that’s the case, like we’ll, we’ll figure it out. It’s, you know, everything will be okay. But what you’re, I think what you’re sharing is that when you see it in your son, it prompts you to realize that like, you know, if you change it in yourself, that actually it, it affects them and teaches them more because we know that if they’re, if they’re watching someone they love and they admire do it, they just kind of naturally start doing it too. It’s kind of this weird thing, right? And like, you can teach your kid all day long, don’t beat yourself up.

Wendy:
Don’t say that to yourself, do you’re doing a great job. Like don’t, you know, believe in yourself, you don’t need to be nervous. You, you can do this, scared all these things, but when he sees you do it, or when he sees you get support for like, how do you make it through like a really nerve wracking season at a new career and, and, and be scared, but be brave and courageous and get on the other side. Right. Which is exactly what you’ve done. And you’re on the other end. And it’s amazing now, or that body surfing competition, like watching you feel really scared and then be brave and courageous and get on the other side. But it’s just, it’s just a beautiful story of how you guys share just like still.

Wendy:
And I shared so much and you share with Stella so much, I share a Terrin. Like it just, there’s a million examples. We could give you guys. But so many times it’s the challenges that cause us, the radar flag goes up and we’re like, oh, this is something that we need to get support on or continue to press into our relationship with God to get healing or, or any type of like forward momentum to get ourselves out of those, like negative self-talk or, or for me that all the anger stuff. Like, it’s just, it’s just beautiful, what they point out or like that original quote of like digging up the soil. Like they have a tendency to dig up the soil and then we’re like, oh, dang, like what are we going to replant here?

Terry:
Yeah, for sure. And I mean, that, one’s like, well, you know, it’s in the future. If something like that happens, you know, I looked to catch the feeling before those words come out of my mouth. But you know, the, the big thing I learned in as much as it was hard, having him there to hear that he also, you know, having him there also made me realize like, oh, I’m not an idiot. I’m human. And if this was him, what would I do? You know? And so I did get an opportunity also just to reset myself and what did I do? I, we got a first aid kit.

Terry:
He watched me tape those toes up, put a smile back on my face, paddle, back out, do my thing. And then, and then just have fun.

Wendy:
I also had a really great conversation with him afterwards. And you taught him how you redo that. And that’s, that’s actually not truthful and that’s not like that’s just you being a human and learning how to get out of that cycle. And everyone’s when kids see their parents learning. They’re so inspired to learn. Like instead of dad’s the all knowing he never struggles with like low self-confidence or negative self-talk or braids himself, or like, it’s actually more impactful for her to him to see, you know, how to have the tools to change that. And you have invested in yourself. You have spent many times with your, your life coach and spent plenty of time in prayer.

Wendy:
And you’re just such an inspiration to our entire family, but we all got stuff. We all got stuff we’re working on. And, and it’s just such a blessing that these kids dig up the soil, even though it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. It really,

Terry:
I, I mean, I know that like, this is another story of me hurting myself. So it’s kind of funny, but I can remember when, you know, we were up at there’s a bike trail near our house and we were both jumping are our dirt, our BMX bikes off of some jumps. And I, I was kinda just, I sent it on a jump that I I’ve done before, but I came up short and I went over the handlebars and I landed and I got a big cut on my forearm. And I sat there and I was mad at myself, but I also was just kinda like trying to assess the cut. I went through it, I cleaned it. He sat there and watched me and came alongside of me.

Terry:
And I remember getting back up, fixing my handlebars. And I was like, okay. And he’s like, do you need to go home? We can go home. And I was like, no, I was like, I I’m going to ride around a little bit and keep riding. He says, oh, dad, you’re going to persevere. And I remember that word persevere was something that he had learned. And then he brought that to me. He didn’t learn that from me. He learned that at the skate park, from one of his teachers there and he held that with him. And then he brought that to me as a way to teach me in that moment when I felt like going home. But I saw it through and his words right there, like just taught me so much in that moment. And I love that and I carry that with me.

Terry:
So, yeah.

Wendy:
That’s so beautiful, Terry. Well, that’s the most fantastic way to wrap this episode up. We hope this conversation has blessed. You guys thank you as always, always for being here for listening, for supporting the fresh start family show. If you don’t already, make sure you follow or like us over on iTunes, and if you have an extra three minutes, we would so appreciate a review reviews, really help us get seed in the iTunes world, which help us support and encourage more and more families. So thanks for being here and have a wonderful, wonderful, happy Thanksgiving

Stella:
For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening families have a great day.

Wendy:
I hope you loved this episode listeners. Be sure to head on over to the fresh start family shop page, to check out our special collection of all of our favorite books and resources that we have curated over the last few years, as well as many of our programs that we have available here if you’d like to pursue more education on the positive parenting front. So head on over to freshstartfamilyonline.com and click the shop tab at the top to learn more, enjoy.