On today’s episode, Wendy & Terry discuss the why & the how behind taking a break from using time-outs in our households, and instead, teaching & modeling how to implement self-calming breaks. Time-outs are a forced isolation that do not actually teach a child how to calm themselves down. Self calming breaks give kids practical tools to take care of their needs in healthy & appropriate ways. They’re all about coaching our kiddos to feel their emotions and deal with them from a place of integrity.

Specifically, Wendy & Terry touch on three elements of this idea that will offer practical tools & encouragement when it comes making the switch from time-outs to self-calming breaks:

• The difference between external control vs. intrinsic motivation
  • We want our kids to learn how to control themselves instead of controlling their behavior through fear, force, bribery & rewards
  • Time-outs don’t teach kids how to calm down, they just force them to do it
  • As parents, we have the opportunity to empower our kids to calm themselves down & learn to take care of themselves on their own
• How to implement self-calming breaks in our homes & take a break from time-outs
  1. During a relaxed time, teach your kids that they are learning! They are learning how to feel & how to get their needs met.
     • First, talk about what each of the 5 main emotions feel like – happy, sad, scared, hurt, mad
     • Then, explain that sometimes they may not know what to do when their emotions feel big
     • Finally, remind them that they may need help communicating in order to get their needs met
  2. Create a calming chart or kit for everyone in the family with a list or actual items that help each member of the family calm down & take care of him/herself
     • Kids should be in charge of what goes into their calming kit (within reason!)
  3. If you receive push-back, give your kiddo a choice – “Do you want to grab your calming bag on your own, or would you like me to come with you?”
• The importance of modeling
  • Kids will learn better if you show them first – they won’t always listen to what you say, but they will always watch what you do
  • Remember that positive, sustainable change takes time
    

---

Raising A Strong Willed, Intense or Sensitive Child? If yes, I have a FREE gift for you!

This free bundle comes with an extensive learning guide & FREE workshop with me, where I’ll teach you ways to build connection & methods to work WITH your strong willed kids instead of trying to MAKE THEM change. 

Inside this FREE learning bundle I’ll teach you:
*Firm & kind strategies to navigate challenging behavior with firm kindness & connection (vs. fear, force, yelling, threats & bribery)
*Ways to build connection instead of pushing your child away w/ heavy handed “hand me down parenting tactics”
*How to work WITH your kids instead of forcing them to comply or trying to MAKE them change

Click here to grab your free bundle now & start learning today!

---

Mentioned in this Episode:

• Fresh Start Family Online
  • Join the Fresh Start Experience!
• Your Infinite Life Training & Coaching Program
  • On Instagram: @yourinfinitelife
  • On Facebook: Your Infinite Life Training & Coaching Program
• Grab the FREE Quick Start Learning Bundle
• Snag your ticket to the in person Freedom to Be Course!
  

---

Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!

This episode of the Fresh Start Family Show is brought to you by our Quick Start Learning bundle to raise strong-willed kids with integrity. This two pack learning bundle comes with a downloadable learning guide and also a free online workshop with me all about what to do when your kids say, no, I won’t. And you can’t make me in one way or another. Cuz we all know our beautiful, strong-willed kiddos resist in lots of different ways. Head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/free to grab your quick start bundle and get started learning with me today.

Stella:
Well, hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus, and rock and roll and believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together we help to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools, and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.

Wendy:
Well, hello families. I am so excited to have you listen to today’s episode where Terry and I are talking about one of the foundational compassionate discipline strategies that you’ll find across the board in positive parenting programs. And that is teaching kids how to self calm and self-regulate instead of doing forced timeouts. So this is a huge shift for families when they understand why this is such an incredible practice to really try to become fluent in, try to become, you know, something that you use as a standard practice in your home. Not just for our kids actually, but for the entire family.

It is powerful. Terry and I, you know, talk about in this episode how once we made this shift back when my daughter was three years old, once we really realized how important it was to kind of turn what we were doing on its head almost, and really start to teach this very strong-willed little girl how to harness her own power within to have her own self-control and her own self-regulation. It was just crazy how much it changed for us and how we really started to see her thrive and flourish. Because as a power kid, she, you know, all of you who have power kids out there, those strong-willed kiddos that push back a lot or say no a lot, you have to remember that they love to feel powerful.

It’s just the way they were designed. They are our future leaders and a lot of these kids that push back a lot that are, you know, kind of labeled as the strong-willed kids, they are the ones that are in constant timeout, right? Which means they’re constantly being externally controlled usually if we’re being honest parents through fear and force, right? We bring in some threats about how long they need to sit in the corner and it’s all externally controlled by us. We decide how long they’re gonna sit there, we decide when they come back, and instead when we really do it different and start teaching them how to be in charge of the process and how to regulate their own body and regulate their own emotions, they feel so much more powerful then that leads to so much less misbehavior and so much more self-regulation over time because they just love steering their own ship ship, which is really how we want it for our kids.

We want them to grow up to be kids that, you know, once they’re later in elementary school, in middle school and high school, that they can do what’s right and do what is, you know, in line with their moral character in, in line with their heart. Not because someone’s watching them and making them comply or not because they’re scared to make a mistake, but because they really want to do good in the world. They really want to contribute because they have experience knowing what it looks like to get back on track once they’ve steered off course. Does that make sense? So I know you guys are gonna love this episode and definitely let us know your thoughts and one of the best ways you guys can do that is by leaving a review on iTunes.

So make sure you are subscribed to the Fresh Start Family Show number one. If you are not yet and you’re listening on an iTunes plat on the iTunes platform, go ahead and push pause now. Or if you’re driving in the car as soon as you get to your location, if you could take two minutes just to go to iTunes, make sure you hit subscribe. And really that information is on the bottom at every show notes page. And the show notes page for the podcast is fresh start family online.com/show. That’s fresh start family online.com/show. So thanks in advance guys for leaving a review. We truly, truly appreciate you listening.

We appreciate your encouragement and you are all so seen and admired for all you are doing to raise your children with integrity. Enjoy this episode. Well hey, their families today, Terry and I want to talk to you guys about the difference between timeouts and self calming breaks. This is one of the tools that we teach within the compassionate discipline module of the Foundations Course and it’s just a really important element of being able to teach your kids with compassionate discipline because it’s so rooted in self-regulation, which is just a human skill that is so important in life that timeouts actually don’t teach.

So we’re gonna tell you more about what we mean here, but the steps we’re gonna talk about today is, or the, the topics that we’re gonna talk about is number one, how there’s a difference between teaching with external controls and teaching with intrinsic motivation being your goal. Number two, we’re gonna talk about the steps of what it looks like to actually do self calming in your home versus timeouts. And then number three, the importance of modeling. So you ready T?

Terry:
I’m so ready. I think we’ve all seen, well everybody’s seen a kid that you’re like, that kid needs to time out, right? But we, I think everybody’s also seen parents and adults

Wendy:
Oh yes.

Terry:
That need a time out air quotes.

Wendy:
Yes.

Terry:
So this is also just a paradigm shift too of like this whole idea, you know, I don’t think the intention of a timeout is bad. I think it’s, it’s more digging into like, what’s your goal and isn’t that to have your kid calm down? Well sometimes we need to calm down too. Yeah. So this, this whole idea of going from timeouts to self calming, it’s something for all of us to calm down.

Wendy:
Yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah. And ev and I think when people first hear the idea of like self calming breaks, it seems so like hippie-ish and and permissive, but it’s not, it’s like again, so much, so much of the root of so much of positive parenting is rooted in teaching kids how to control themselves. So we, you know, we always ask the question in do you want to control your kids or teach your kids to control themselves? And of course everybody always answers with, we want our kids to be able to control themselves. But unfortunately a lot of the traditional kind of punishment style stuff, which is fear and force, which is external controls, it does not teach kids how to do it on their own.

It doesn’t teach them the actual steps it it takes to make a decision. When you are in a heightened state that is actually healthy and works well for society, works well for your family, it usually just teaches you to feel bad about what’s happened. Right. So let’s talk about it a little bit as far as external versus internal, right? So when you think of traditional timeouts, right? So it’s, you know, I, I think most people have seen like the nanny, the nanny show where she taught people like you, your kid goes in a timeout for as old as they are. So if they’re three, it’s three minutes, minutes. If it’s five, it’s five minutes, whatever it is. But it’s like you go to a spot, it’s the time you’re there is controlled by me when you come out is controlled by me and what you’re allowed to do is controlled by me.

And usually it’s like you think about

Terry:
Go think about it

Wendy:
Go think about it. And our funny story here is like, again, our daughter has always been this like incredible teacher for us and really been so good at like raising the flag and being like, what you guys are doing is lame. Like I, you know, she just like has been able to like point it out to us like, what are we doing? So back in the day when we used to use timeouts with her, she was always the one that would kind of like rise up a little harder when you tried to use, When you tried to use like external, like when you tried to overpower her. So she would always rise up harder. So back then we would say, you go think about it. And I remember the one day, one day she looked at us and she was like, you go think about it.

And looking back now, I’m like, yes, thank God. Like we should have, what were we doing? Like yes, we needed to think about it because what we were doing wasn’t working, it wasn’t causing her to act differently tomorrow she would still go to the park and push kids or she would still pull the dog’s tail or she would still shake her brother and bite him or whatever. It wasn’t until we really changed that she started to change.

Terry:
Well the, the time out I think our intention was, or what we were learning, like we were like, oh this is what you do as parents. I’m sure there was like somebody who, you know, you saw them do it so you just assumed that that’s what you do. It was like, oh well it’s for them to calm down, but we weren’t teaching her how to calm down.

Wendy:
Yeah. We weren’t teaching her how we were telling her that she had to,

Terry:
You were just telling her that she had to and you were putting her in a place and like you said, completely controlling it. I feel like it was like one step removed from like the old school like dunce corner.

Wendy:
Yeah. Yeah.

Terry:
So I think there was also this aspect of like, go over there and feel bad about yourself.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
And you know, and, and come back humbled somehow you’re supposed to come back humbled and all aware of everything that you did.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
Come back with this apology and this whole new attitude and all this stuff. But we hadn’t taught her to do anything.

Wendy:
Yeah, no

Terry:
We we didn’t model it. What what the

Wendy:
Yeah, We, we definitely were modeling it. You always were like a pretty calm person, but I was flying off the handle a lot. Like I would get so upset and freak out,

Terry:
But by, but by being calm by like that’s just maybe more my general nature. I wasn’t showing her what it looked like to go from a heightened, like, so if she was like super heightened and she’s making a mistake or being inappropriate or whatever to then calm yourself down. I wasn’t showing her that just by oh, oh well dad’s just calm in general. Like yeah you had to like, you have to humble yourself and and and show her that like this is for kids and parents alike. Yeah. Like this is like, you’re not gonna just, you know, have these feelings or these moments as a kid you’re gonna have ’em as an adult too. So here’s some, here’s something valuable that I’ve learned kiddo.

Yeah, let’s, let’s show you how it’s done. I’m gonna need to do this sometimes you’re gonna need to do this. Sometimes we’re gonna have to ask you to do this sometimes. Well,

Wendy:
Yeah. It’s just such a imagine like, you know, again, we, we always say our parents did the best that they could with the tools that they had at the time.

Terry:
There’s more tools.

Wendy:
Imagine, I know we have more tools now, but imagine like what it would’ve been like to be raised in a family where when you started to spin out of control someone sat down and said, Hey here, let me help you, let me support you when you’re starting to feel this way. These are the steps you can do to, to take care of yourself. This is how you can, like all these, you have all these options and you just gotta, you gotta remove yourself for a minute so you can get back in integrity. And, and we’re gonna tell you the steps here in a minute, but imagine what it would’ve been like to have been raised like that from a very young age. And so by the time you become a teenager in middle school or high school or college or your early twenties and, and you have things that happen in life that trigger you and cause you to wanna react like a volcano or dip down into behavior that’s not of integrity, you have this like strengthened practice that you’ve been doing your whole life.

I mean, it’s just powerful for me to think about that.

Terry:
And again, no level of perfection here because I can think even in like recent months where I’ve just raised my voice or did things that like, just cuz in that moment I thought that that was what I was going to get what I needed. And you know, it’s all about too, like how you feel at the end of all that. Like, so if you’re finding yourself just, you know, time out after time out or raising your voice or you just kind of feel like you’re always on the edge. We’re trying to just walk you away from the edge with practical tools and ways to not only get what you want in the moment, but over the long term, just have better, healthier relationships as a family unit and just be more of a guide and less of a just, you know, rule.

The hammer force hammer.

Wendy:
Yeah, the hammer. Yeah. Yeah. So, so that, I mean, I think we’ve painted a clear picture of the what the external control looks like. And I mean, again, more from like our history was there. Was we, I think we still have the door, the locks on the door reversed, don’t we? I feel like we need to fix that.

Terry:
No, I think, I think

Wendy:
I, I swear, I’m pretty sure still do we fix it? Okay. Anyways, we there,

Terry:
I think I fixed it. Does anybody else out there, guys who are listening, we’re gonna do an episode all about, hey, did we do that? And we’re gonna change up that language and say, did you do that?

Wendy:
Okay. Oh, that’s so good. Yeah. Okay, so the yes, there was a time when we were like, okay, we have to reverse the locks on her door so we can lock her in there. And there was also, like, there was, this one’s an awful memory for me, but I remember we had read some book or some person, so-called Expert had told us that we needed to hold her down when she was tantruming. So she was like this little 25 pound two year old, she would freak out. And I remember sitting in her room like holding her down. Like that just is a really awful memory for me.

Terry:
So yeah.

Wendy:
So here, so those are external controls. Yeah. So internal, when you switch to like, have a mission to teach, to highlight ways that your kids can develop intrinsic control muscles, intrinsic motivation muscles, it sometimes includes a little bit of messiness. So you have to remember that if you’re gonna kind of decide to step into learning, to have the courage to switch from doing forced timeouts to doing self calming breaks is it’s gonna be a little messy. You know, like when you take down the electric fences, yes. Sometimes kids are gonna stray a little bit, you know, like it’s, it’s, it’s okay. That’s the mess is where often the learning takes place. So, but what happens is when, when you know messes happen and you teach your kids to repair mistakes or learn how to, to have a little bit more self-control next time and to sit a little bit longer or to actually do the deep breaths and, and again, we’re gonna give you the steps in a minute here, but like, you just keep teaching.

You just keep teaching. Hey, nope, I, I’m not quite ready to come out yet because it seems like once you’re ready to, to talk to me respectfully, or once you’re ready to keep your hands to yourself, you’re welcome to come back. And what happens is like once they realize they went over to the corner of their room where they have their calming kid or their calming bag eventually and actually calm down, did some steps and come back and are able to like act with integrity within the family unit or the play date or whatever, that then becomes like this incredible like area where you can say, you did that. You are the one who did that. I didn’t force you, I didn’t threaten you.

You are the one who was really like in the, like your ponds was lighting up that part of the brain that’s just like, ah, there’s, there’s danger. Like there’s, I need to either fight or I need to run or I just need to freeze. And you felt that like some people call it the red zone. You felt that you had a temptation to hit or to yell or to speak disrespectfully, however you decided to go take care of yourself or mom helped you remember that, right? Or dad helped you remember that and you did it, you got through it. Like how do you feel now, now that the anger has come and gone or the hurt from your brother grabbing the toy for you has come and gone? Because remember guys emotions are temporary.

They’re not right or wrong, they’re just are, they’re just temporary. They come and go. But most of us weren’t taught how to like ride the wave, so to speak. Most of us are like it, you know, unfortunately, like we, we just are not sure what to do with it. So a lot of times it creates actions or behavior that later we’re not so proud of. So instead you get to say to your kid, like, you did that, like what did you do to take care of yourself? What did you do to, to calm yourself down? Because now when you come back to me, like you’re, you’re able to talk. Whereas before you were like hyperventilating when you were crying. So what did you do to take care of yourself? And it just over time, and we’ve seen this in our own home now after practicing for almost a decade, cuz it really does create kids who know what to do to get themselves out of the red zone.

To get to ride the wave and to, to just take care of themselves instead of having someone have to fix them or have to overpower them or control them.

---

Hey families. I want to pause this beautiful conversation for a moment to share, share that registration for the Freedom to Be Personal development life coaching weekend course is open. And my gosh, is it so wonderful to be offering in-person events again, there’s only 20 seats available. So if you’re interested in pouring into yourself, healing from your past, breaking free from limiting beliefs and taking charge to create the life and family legacy of your dreams, head on over to freshstartfamilyonline.com/freedomcourse to learn more.

Snag a ticket and you’ll be able to come hang out live with me in beautiful, sunny San Diego while you expand your heart, learn new tools and strengthen your family. Yes, please. Freedom to Be is the program that changed everything for me 10 years ago when I was new to positive parenting and loving what I learned in class. But when I came home to apply the strategies I was taught, I struggled big time after going through this life coaching program, Freedom to Be, I all of a sudden was actually able to respond versus react, implement compassionate discipline instead of constantly reverting to harsh punishments and actually stop blaming my beautiful strong-willed toddler daughter for all of my problems.

I’m not exaggerating when I say the Freedom to Be course changed the entire future trajectory of my life, and I am completely honored to now be teaching this course. During this weekend course. You’ll get both the heart and the soul, which is what I call the spirit side of ending, limiting belief cycles and healing from past generations and stories and experiences that are keeping you stuck in negative knee-jerk reaction cycles. And you’re also going to learn the step by step logistics, what is what I call the strategy side of changing your unhealthy behaviors like yelling or threatening or grabbing wrists too tight. Or some of us might be more of a withdraw or passive aggressive silent treatment kind of people, but you’ll learn how to change them.

Maybe it’s unproductive tones or negative self-talk and maybe it’s even broken communication cycles. I’ll teach you how to switch those into healthy behavior patterns that you’re proud of and that actually work to make you feel good about the way you handle yourself each day. No matter what kind of challenges get flung your way in parenting marriage or career. Head on over now to freshstartfamilyonline.com/freedomcourse now to grab your ticket. The date for this year’s in-person program is March 24th through the 26th. And again, it’s in beautiful, sunny San Diego. Okay, back to the show.

---

Terry:
That’s a great, that that’s a great point there in the difference between a timeout being some sort of a forced isolation.

Wendy:
Yeah.

Terry:
We expect them to, you know, to, to learn from versus self calming where you’re going to actually give them some practical ways to where they can learn that when they feel a certain way and they get into this situation, how do they get themselves out of it? Yeah. So you’re creating a f you know, a way of coaching ’em through that and then implementing that to where that becomes just part of just what you do.

Wendy:
Yeah. Totally.

Terry:
In life,

Wendy:
Yeah. And, and the cool thing too, you guys about the difference is, you know, a lot of times with traditional punishment or traditional timeout, it’s like being alone becomes this like dreaded experience. Like, oh no, they’re gonna put me in the corner again or the room or whatever. Like I don’t wanna be alone like the ooh. And then later in life you realize like, to be alone is actually necessary. It’s very necessary for humans. And it’s like, it’s a way for you to take care of yourself. You, it’s a spot for you to listen to yourself, to listen to the small still voice of God, to listen to what’s going on for you to acknowledge your emotions, to figure out a plan to creatively and critically think and problem solve.

Like being alone is good. It should never be a punishment. So that’s what’s cool about when you start doing self calming is like, hey, a lot of times in the beginning parents have trouble with the switch and kids are like, they won’t go to the, the spot to calm down because they’ve, they’re used to being forced. So they’re used to having this external control combined with threats, right? Like, if you don’t go, then this is gonna happen to you. So then they have a, they do often have a hard time switching over and parents really that’s what we do in my membership community inside the Bonfire, inside of the Foundations Course, we really help families stay the course because yes, it’s gonna take kids a while to realize like there’s there, there’s no longer someone like holding a hammer to them.

Like they’ve gotta figure out how to do it on their own. Because when you’re in high school and when you’re in college, like when you’re starting out a marriage, like no one’s gonna do it for you. You’ve got to figure out how to feel your emotions and get through them with integrity. And oftentimes that’s gonna take you stepping to the side and spending a little bit of time alone. And being alone is a blessing. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s, you don’t need to look at it as a punishment.

Terry:
Okay, so now that we’ve established it’s, you know, timeouts are externally, you know

Wendy:
Yep.

Terry:
Controlled. Self calming is more of an internal thing that you would learn. Yep. Life skill and it’s a life skill. So now the podcast, I know it’s, it’s a forum for discussion and you know, we’ve got areas like the Foundations Course and the Bonfire that’s more of like giving people the details of how to do it. This is cool cause you’re gonna walk us through the steps, like yes. Okay, so here we are, we’ve got your attention. Now what does this look like? How do you change it up in your home? Here are the steps.

Wendy:
Yep. So number one is you want to show your kids in a calm time what this looks like. Okay. And we have one here, number three, the third. The third step or the third kind of tip we’re giving you today is to make sure you model this. So I’m gonna kind of present number two and three together here because kids will learn a lot better if you show them first. So this is a classic idea of like, kids often don’t hear what you say parents, but they always

Terry:
See what you do,

Wendy:
See what you do. So if you’re flying off the handle all the time and you’re just telling them, calm down, calm down. But you’re flying off the handle, you just are not gonna see success. So as you’re thinking about these steps, you wanna make sure that you are creating a plan for you to model them too. So the steps are gonna look like you do this in a calm time. Preferably when everyone’s had enough rest, you know, maybe it’s like a Saturday morning, you don’t have any place to go or at bedtime you can teach your kids how to do this. But the steps include teaching your kids about emotions. So we always say the five basic emotions are happy, sad, scared, hurt and mad.

So this becomes something from a as early as you can to teach your kids what each of these emotions feel like and to help them understand that when they’re in a heightened state, there’s often just an emotion that they’re not quite, they don’t know what to do with, and also a need that they’re trying to get met that they’re trying to communicate and they don’t know how to do that yet. So our kid, we wanna just teach our kids, number one step is to teach them you’re in learning. Okay? You’re learning how, how to figure out how to feel, you’re learning how to figure out how you’re learning, how to communicate, right? You’re just figuring it all out. Step number two would be to, to create an actual calming bag or a calming kit or something for everybody in the family that’s gonna put things in there that actually help you calm down.

So as an adult, I want you guys to think about, you know, if you’ve had a bad day at work or you know someone, maybe your sister or your mom or you have gotten into an argument or something, what do you do to take care of yourself?

Terry:
Yeah. So I mean this could be something like, oh I just, I like to go for a jog, right?

Wendy:
That’s one of my go-tos. Yeah, yeah. Also, you know, for me it sounds silly but I love to like clean for, for me like it, and this isn’t something I would put into a calming bag, but it is possibly something that just helps you remember. Like sometimes I just need to get some kinesthetic energy out to kind of think about how, what I’m gonna do, my action plan of how I’m gonna handle myself, how I’m gonna communicate. And for me, I’m like a mover. So for me, a lot of my stuff, so in my calming bag I could put like my jogging shoes or something that like represents get outside, do something physical cuz it helps me process emotions.

Yeah. But if I think back to like, you know, back in the day in my calming kit I had my Bible, I had lavender oil, essential oil, I had a magazine. Cuz I always find so much joy in just sitting and taking a moment to read my magazine, love magazines in Stella’s, calming bags. She had goldfish and like an apple and water because she was the sensitive kid that if she was like hangry at all, it was like, oh look out Stella’s like has like, she needs to eat on time because she was very, she’s always, you know, her and I are very similar, we’re very sensitive if we skip a meal sensitive to light, sensitive to tags on our clothing, lack of sleep. Lack of sleep is another one.

So in her, in her, so I know I’m combining calming kits and charts and calming bags right now, but they all kind of are in the same teaching zone. Whether you create a chart for your kid, a calming bag, and again, we teach all this within the Foundations Course on how to do all this. But you know, for Stella, when she was younger, she had on her her chart, one of the ways that she could calm down when she felt angry was actually, was actually to take a nap. And I know many of you are like, yeah, right? Like my kid is never gonna like go lay down to rest. Like, you know how kids are like, nope, I’m not tired. And our kids still do that to this day. But I will never forget the day that I walked in that Stella had been kind of having a meltdown or something.

She was more like six or seven by this time. But we were having a hard afternoon and I walked into her room and she, she had gone in her room, laid down and she was taking a nap without me forcing her, without me telling her she had to do it. She just had been able to listen to her body after practice, upon practice, upon practice of me saying, and you saying, Hey, sometimes when you feel like this, your body is tired, sometimes you’re catching a cold and your body is is telling you go rest. This is the feeling. It often comes out in grouchiness or, or like s like short shortness or like a short temper. But that often, like you just wanna stop and check in with your body.

How are you feeling? And so sleep went on her chart. She had, she had a lav-, she had essential oil. This, this was like drawn on her chart. We still have her original chart that I shown my Bonfire membership community all the time. Our folder is like massive of, we’ve kept everything over the years of, of the teaching tools and, and yeah. What else was in there? Oh like play-doh. Because oftentimes kinesthetic kids, which means they move a lot, they touch, they kick, they’re the biters, the hitters, the kickers their hands. Yeah. They need like to get the physical energy out and often play-doh or like a little thing of slime. I know you guys hate slime parents.

It’s a universal hate. We all hate slime. He gets in the carpet. But there’s things like putty that are, that are equivalent that kids can stretch and be kinesthetic with. What else was in her calming kid at the time. But everybody had one. Yeah.

Terry:
Do you remember, what was your, so just to kind of, you know, go back. So if we’re looking at steps, you, you have to have kind of a family meeting or some, or even if it’s one-on-one with one of the kids teachings to create a forum to say, Hey, we’re gonna do things differently. One of those things that we’re going to do is we’re gonna create a calming kit or a chart or both. Yep. And then do you do it also parents you do it also. This isn’t just you saying, okay kiddo, this is what needs to be in your kit or kiddo. This need is what needs to be on your chart. The reason why Stella ended up taking that nap that day, I don’t think it’s because we told her over and over again that she needed to take a nap.

I think it was because she ended up writing it on her chart. Yeah. And of course we had to coach her into that. Like, Hey, here’s an idea for you. But I, I think a lot of these kids also have to feel like it was partially their idea too. Yeah. So I still remember the charts that we’re talking about have some of our handwriting, some of her drawings. Yeah. So even before they, you know, if you have kids that you know, can’t sit there and write out a whole sentence, but they could draw the picture to go with your writing that they participate in what they’re creating here, this new lifestyle so that when it does happen and you say, go check your calming chart, or I’m going to go grab your bag, go grab your bag.

Or I need to go grab my bag. Yeah. And then they follow you along cuz they’re nipping at you. Yeah. You get your bag and then you quietly direct them to their bag and then they go in there, oh, there’s all this stuff that they chose. Yes, yes. To put in there. Exactly. That then creates that moment of, oh yeah, I’m reminded I’m freaking out, aren’t I?

Wendy:
Yes. Yes.

Terry:
It’s like, it’s almost like then like in the movies where you’ve seen like somebody’s like, they have to read a note to themselves or something.

Wendy:
Right? Right.

Terry:
It was like they came from the future to like place the whole thing. Oh, if you’re reading this, oh this means that you freak out, you freaked out again.

Wendy:
Yes, yes. Yeah. And, and I remember like right where we’re sitting right now, our office where we record these podcasts, but we used to have a, like a row of hooks and we had four calming bags that would hang there and we would get them a lot. I think I also had a candle in mine. That’s another one. Yeah. That would help me to like chill a little bit. And honestly like I wasn’t the best at using them and modeling them. That’s probably why it took us longer to get out of a reactive pattern because I, it took me a long time to like actually create the discipline practice of using the calming bag to like, just, just chill a little bit. And so a few things where you might get stuck parents is if, if, you know, if you’re starting to do this and you’re like, it’s not working, I want you to catch your, your language there.

And remember that change takes time, you guys, and there is no, it’s not working, it’s just, it’s, it’s, we haven’t found success yet. Because some, some of this stuff that we teach you here at Fresh Start Family, it takes a, a while to develop a practice. Just like if you know you’re trying to to eat healthier or exercise more, or you’ve allowed yourself to maybe become overweight and now you’re trying to drop a lot of weight to get back to a healthy state. Or you’re trying to develop a, a morning bible reading routine, whatever it is, like, like good, like sustainable change takes time. And so just give yourself some grace. Give, make sure you’re patient with yourself.

And yes, a lot of times it’s rocky in the beginning. So a lot of parents will say, my kid won’t go. And so you have some options. You can either, you can give them a choice. Choices are very empowering. They’re gonna light up your, your, those of you who have strong-willed power kids, anytime you light up the part of their brain that helps them feel powerful, like they have a choice, they’re going to respond better to you. So you can give them a choice. Would you like to go on your own or would you like me to go with you? And instead of viewing that as like a, ugh, I have to go with my kids cuz they won’t do it on their own. I want you to just be thankful for the moment that you get to take outta your day to sit next to your child and teach him. And also like to be in a, in a moment of calm.

I think we, it’s, I think it’s so funny how like a lot of us, it takes us paying for like a Pilates membership or a yoga, like having to go to a yoga class to like chill out. Whereas we have all these opportunities throughout the day to like sit down and just take two minutes to take some deep breaths to do a little meditation or, or pray or light your candle or put on some lavender essential oil. Like there’s, our kids will present opportunities for us all day long to like slow down and calm down. Like, you know, nurture our nervous system. But a lot of times we don’t accept that invitation and, and we just get bitter about it. But instead, like if your kids are, you’re trying to switch over and they, they won’t go on their own and they say, I want you to come with me, then go with them.

Right. So just And what other, I’m trying to think what else where people get stuck on this. I think the most important part is just if it’s a rocky transition for you, it’s okay. It was a rocky transition for us. So Stella, I remember when I learned this in class, I was like so excited. I was like, oh my gosh, this is gonna be amazing. We’re all just gonna be like zen. We’re gonna like have self-control. I’m not gonna yell anymore. I’m not gonna slam doors. And I was like, okay, we’re gonna go to the dollar store. I’m gonna buy you a new plastic kit. You get to pick out all these things at the dollar section of Michael’s. She got like these little railroad things, little toys, like a ton of like plastic garbage that just went in the landfill.

And the long, it was dumb. But at the time I was excited. I bought this new thing. I probably spent like 30, 40 bucks on this calming kit. Instead of doing it the way I now teach instead of the Foundations Course, which looks much different. But we did this whole thing and then the first time I went to use it, I was super angry. There was no self calming modeling. And I, I said to her, you go calm down right now. Something to with the tone of like, you need to do a calming break, go into your room now. Like it was just, it was, the tone was all wrong. It was like, it was just, and she took that calming kit and this was like our little three year old, the tiniest, cutest little pixie haircut girl you can imagine.

She took that thing over her head and threw it down the stairs and it exploded. And I was like, this is such bs. Like this doesn’t work. This is like dumb. And I walked myself into class the next week with my teacher who’s now my dear friend Susie Walton. And I was like, you don’t understand the kid I have. And she just hugged me and was like, you just keep coming back here. Do you hear me? You keep trying. And that was like our first experience with self calming. Yeah. So don’t worry if it’s rocky, but if you’ve listened to this podcast, you guys, you get it. Like, you get why what we’re doing is so important because now that little girl, because we switch things up, is a boss at self-control.

She is a boss at taking care of herself. She knows like she her intrinsic control muscles are so sharp and, and I’m just inspired by her because she, she knows what’s up. She practices self calming often. Not always, especially with her brother. But she does.

Terry:
Yeah.

---

Listen up. Parents, I want to remind you that although this podcast is loaded with tons of encouragement, motivation, and inspiration when it comes to positive parenting and family life coaching, the real action is when you step into learning with me through our free quick start learning bundle. Just pop in your email at freshstartfamilyonline.com/free and you’ll get instant access to a downloadable learning guide about how to raise strong-willed kids with integrity without losing your mind. And then also an invite to join me for my free Power Struggles online workshop where I will teach you five positive parenting strategies to handle pushback with firm kindness and connection versus yelling force and threats.

You can grab your free quick start learning bundle at freshstartfamilyonline.com/free. Okay. Back to the show.

---

Terry:
Oh, it’s, it’s so cool. And, and I think most parents are sitting there like we were at that time being like, if only she could change, how do we change her? How do we make this day this week better? How do we do this? It’s not working, it’s working or whatever it is. And you totally lose sight on where you are in the journey because I think about implementing something like self calming and the person that you are now versus then. Yeah. So you don’t yell anymore. Yeah. How does that feel?

Wendy:
I know it feels so good. I mean I do yell every once in a while.

Terry:
Okay. So, so you save it for a good time, but I have a good story. But think, but think about that like, but it’s

Wendy:
Like one out of a hundred now. Yeah.

Terry:
But think about, yeah, it’s not just about the kid learning to deal with problems in a different way. It’s, you are gonna learn also. And that’s gonna be the awesome byproduct of all of this is you are like you 2.0 not just in your family unit but out in the world too. You are just going to be navigating life in a different way because you’ve been gifted this challenge and you have a new way to deal with it.

Wendy:
Yep. Yep. One, one last story for you guys. And this is kind of to really nail the, what’s that phrase? Nail the, the,

Terry:
The put the nail on the coffee, put the nail,

Wendy:
I don’t know,

Terry:
Nail on the head

Wendy:
To hit the nail on the head. Hit the nail on. That’s what I’m looking for. Okay. Yeah. So the third, you know, the recommendation we have for you about this is just really focus on modeling it first and foremost. Like that’s where you’re gonna get the most, most success when you’re trying to implement this. Oh, I

Terry:
Got a funny one.

Wendy:
Well, I have a funny one first.

Terry:
Okay. You’d be funny first. I’m funny

Wendy:
Second. Okay. Okay. Well no tell you’re funny one and I’ll,

Terry:
I’m gonna jump down nice quick. For anybody that’s ever seen the movie office space, do you remember the customer service guy that when they asked him, they’re like, what exactly would you say you do here? He’s like, I deal with the, the customers so the engineers don’t have to, I’m a people person dammit. And he’s like this person that’s supposed to be,

Wendy:
oh, that’s so funny. Yes.

Terry:
The voice of calm

Wendy:
Yes.

Terry:
Customer service. And he’s, and he’s trying to calm down customers, but he’s completely like not suited for the position.

Wendy:
Yes.

Terry:
And so reactive and Yeah. So I feel like that’s good. We, it’s so many times we are not modeling what what’s going to get the, the best end result.

Wendy:
Yes, yes. And that’s, yeah. So when I think back to like, the time when I first really started to see success with Stella, so I was in a reactionary state and it’s, and it was funny you guys’, I, I swear like growing up I, I, I mean I guess I was reactive at times. Like my best friend and I would fight sometimes Terry knows cuz he was with us. Like we were best friends in high school. Oh my gosh. She was exhausting. I know. We, so we, I was like reactive with her. But in general, I never thought of myself as like a, a crazy person until like I had kids and then like all of a sudden I was like, had these crazy strong emotions. Like, I don’t know, what is that? I mean, we, we’ve dated since I was 17 years old, you know what I mean? Like, I was a pretty mellow person.

Like it didn’t come out until I was very challenged by this little mini human being.

Terry:
I think, I think that’s it. I think it’s like when you’re forced to be in close proximity with somebody that’s, that challenges you. Yeah.

Wendy:
Yeah. It just, nothing brought it out to me like parent. And I’m sure a lot of you I’ve heard, I’ve heard a lot of parents say like, oh my gosh, me too. But anyways, I had, I was just so, like, I didn’t understand why I had gotten into this pattern of such reactivity and not being able to calm myself down. And so then thank God our dear friend Susie Walton, who I had gone to parenting classes with, invited me to a life coaching weekend. So the course that I am now going to be teaching very, very soon, it’s called Freedom to Be With Your Infinite Life. It’s the coursework that Terry and I really invite every single parent on the planet to take part in because it’s so life changing. But she said, you know, you really need to come to a weekend.

And she would always tell us when we were in class, the only excuse you have is if it’s your kid’s birthday. And even then, it’s really not an excuse you need, you need to come to class. And so finally I said yes, and I went to the, the Freedom to Be weekend. And I remember I came home and I was just a different person like Monday morning, I was just like the way I saw my daughter, the way I spoke to her. And she was in that wild phase at that time, which is when we discovered this work, which was really when I was in such a deep season of darkness and anxiety and depression and bitterness and frustration. And after that weekend, everything changed for me. And that week after freedom to be, I was much better at self calming.

So I was much better at assuming the integrity in Stella. I was much better at seeing the light in her. I was much better at being a teacher versus a correctional officer. And it just all came so naturally after that weekend and I had been teaching her for a long, long time, what, you know, we often teach in class, which is like teach your kids, like take deep breaths instead of reacting like a volcano, slow down, like, you know, all these things, ask for what you want. And I’ve been telling her that, but still at the same time I would fly off the handle a lot. What’s wrong with you? Stop it, stop doing that. I’ve told you. Like, whereas after that weekend course that week, I really did start modeling it. So I would come downstairs and I remember I would do these over, over the top deep breaths.

And I was like, for me, I just had to do it over the top in order to do it. Like just sitting there and doing it on my own wasn’t, I had to be like, I don’t know if it was like making sure she saw that I was, let everybody know, let everybody know you’re the reason why I’m doing this. I mean, there was, it took me a long time to let go of a lot of the nonsense that was in my head, but maybe that was it. And who knows, but I would do it in a loud manner. And I think I also just wanted her to see, I’m trying really hard here and I’m, I don’t wanna react to you anymore. I don’t wanna treat you like you’re an awful human being. So I would model it a lot. And so long story short, a few days later I saw her storm down the stairs.

So Terrin was probably like almost one. She, maybe it was a little bit later. He, he must have been like one and a half. She was probably four and a half by that time. And she came storming down the stairs and she sat in Tank’s chair. This is the one of our black leather chairs, we call it Tank’s, chair, our old Labrador. She sat in Tank’s chair and she just started going. And I was like, oh my goodness, what are you doing babe? And she was like, I’m calming down. And I was like, wow, you know, okay, awesome. She’s like, I, I’m walking away. Terrin was doing something. I don’t even remember what her little brother spit up on the side. Yeah. She was always like, he’s gonna get spit up on my toys, he’s in my stuff.

And, but I sat there and watched her sit in that black leather chair and calm herself down. And it was so moving because I realized it was because I had finally flip and modeled it. Yeah. And it was like, it was like magic after that course. It was like all of a sudden I had the ability to do it. Right. So that’s something, I’m actually designing a lesson plan this month in the, in our membership community where I’m teaching parents, like, we all wanna move to that place, but how do you actually get there? Like if you’re in a pattern of reacting like a volcano, how do you actually get to being more responsive? So our lesson of the month right now and the Bonfire is gonna be all about that. That’s not okay.

But that was an example of like really like that was moving to see that what I had done worked. And it wasn’t from just telling her what to do that was not working, but modeling it and actually doing it. So I flew off the handle. Like I didn’t fly off the handle was, was just so moving and, and like last thing is that that goes into other areas of your life. Parents. So here’s these little kids that you’re thinking, man, they’re, they’re bringing me to my knees. They’re challenging me to, to my core. But remember they are your greatest teachers. And if you take the invitation to get into learning, it’s so beautiful because I can think of so many times now as like, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t spend my life in a reactionary state to people.

Like, I got a, I got a email once that was so mean from someone who had bought the Foundations Course and said some really mean stuff and didn’t even ask for a refund. It was funny. They just, they were just letting us know, like, you know, they told me I stuttered. Like they were like, this is ridiculous. You stutter, you like a bunch of other stuff, which you guys is not true. I swear, I, I don’t. Right. I mean the Foundations Course is amazing.

Terry:
Well I think everybody can can relate to this. It’s like, cuz there’s, for that one, there’s a hundred other like, testimonials that say something else. I think it’s just, there’s one in every crowd. But it’s like, are you going to, like, how do you deal with that? How do you deal with that one in every crowd? So

Wendy:
The story is somebody

Terry:
Provokes

Wendy:
You. Yeah, they provoked me. They said some really hurtful stuff and combined it with a threat. They were like, Hey, and just so you know, like, this is going on in our home and if we don’t get the answers in module four, like we’re gonna be pissed. That was basically the, the language combined with like, your product sucks. You’re a stutterer. Like, like pointing out. I mean, it was literally like they took an hour to write down the flaws that like, I mean, it was, it was intense. And so how many of you have been in this situation where you wanna react like that and re respond with like, how dare you, do you know that I’ve put my life savings into building this company? Do you, have you ever sat down to record an online?

Like, but instead I breathed, I took some time. I called you, I called my staff, I was like, oh my gosh, this was hurtful. And I, I, I got some my coaching, like from my mentor. I actually had an hour session with her about it. I took time and, and I, the way I handled it in the end I was like, thank God. But it took me weeks to self calm from that. But I didn’t react like a volcano, thank God, because that’s not how I wanna live my life. But because my daughter introduced me to the idea that I needed to strengthen my ability to self calm, I don’t, I don’t know if I ever would’ve gotten there if it wasn’t for her. Yeah. So she is one of my greatest teachers in life and she pointed it out from a very, like, from a long time ago that I needed some help.

And that’s how she became able to self calm is because out of all this that we’re telling you, so I hope that helps families. That’s the difference. Self calming versus time out. And I hope this motivates you to, to create a self calming practice in your home, to take a break from the forced traditional timeouts. We’ll make sure we put everything that we talked about over on the show notes page so you guys can really feel supported. And just to make sure, you know, in the Foundations Course we teach in much greater extensiveness about this topic. So yep.

Terry:
Thank you.

Families, I hope that you have loved this episode as much as I have loved recording it for you. Don’t forget to go grab your free quick start learning bundle so you can really step into learning with me. Head on over to freshstartfamilyonline.com/free and you’ll get your downloadable learning guide about how to raise strong-willed kids with integrity so you don’t lose your mind. And then also an invite to join me for my free Power Struggles online workshop. All right, go grab that now freshstartfamilyonline.com/free. As always, thanks for listening and I’ll see you in the next episode.

For links and more information about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/160.

Stella:
For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening, families, have a great day.