On this episode of The Fresh Start Family Show, Wendy and Terry discuss recent surfing experiences and draw comparisons to parenting. The methods they used to face and overcome the swells are the same they use to overcome challenging parenting moments.
And here’s why …
Sometimes parenting can feel like surfing … like when you’re suddenly caught on the inside with huge waves approaching, or thrown off a wave unexpectedly or blindsided by a big swell. It’s easy to think “I can’t do this” or “This is too hard, I better quit” or “This is gnarly, I’m going to need to white knuckle my way through this & then never come back again”.
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*How to work WITH your kids instead of forcing them to comply or trying to MAKE them change
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Terry surfing Cloudbreak, Fiji
With a little faith & the right training, you CAN do hard things. We believe in you & want to help you believe in yourself too.
You’ll feel encouraged & motivated to reach for bravery & courage …. and build tenacity, grit & resilience after listening to this episode!
Episode Highlights:
- Acknowledge your fear and face it – on the other side are bravery and courage.
- Use your breath and your self-calming capabilities. This will empower you to be an effective teacher and a parent who acts with integrity.
- Stick to a plan or your training and be able to adapt.
- Celebrate your courage and bravery at the end.
Mentioned in this Episode:
- Podcast Episode 46: Detaching with Love & Integrity – An Interview with Joel Mitchell.
- Fish People – A Patagonia Film featuring Kimmy Werner
Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!
This episode of the Fresh Start Family Show is brought to you by our Quick Start Learning bundle to raise strong-willed kids with integrity. This two-pack Learning bundle comes with a downloadable learning guide and also a free online workshop with me all about what to do when your kids say, no, I won’t, and you can’t make me – in one way or another. Cuz we all know our beautiful, strong-willed kiddos resist in lots of different ways. Head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/free to grab your quick start bundle and get started learning with me today.
Wendy:
Well, hey there families. I am so excited that you are here for a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show. This one is a conversation with just Terry and I. We are talking to you about how you can do hard things and I’ve wanted to record on this subject for quite some time because I have noticed that so many times the parents that are inside of my Bonfire membership program, they really get to kind of magic unlocked, so to speak, once they make it through a really intense situation or challenge with their child. And instead of resorting to the fear and force and intimidation and overpowering and controlling all those tactics that they have may have used in the past that kind of just snuffed out a situation and made their kids stop.
So, air quotes I’m saying made in air quotes, made their kids stop when they actually are able to move through an intense misbehavior or challenge with full dignity and connection and respect and self-control and self-regulation. On the other side of that is where they really start to feel the power of what it actually looks like to influence your children with true integrity. Again, without relying on those tactics that do not feel good when you lay your head on the pillow at night. What I’ve noticed though is that a lot of parents never make it through those emotional storms or through those really intense challenging situations because they just don’t feel like it’s possible.
They feel like it is, you know, there’s, they just maybe don’t have enough support, they don’t have enough courage, they don’t have, you know, confidence in the tools, whatever it may be, that I find that if they can’t, they don’t ever make it through a really intense hard time and they get on the other side of it and go, oh my gosh, I did it. I used the tools and not only did they work, but everybody is feeling respected. Everybody is understanding that the firm kind limits in our home is not gonna change. However, the way we get through challenging times, the way we endure, the way we persevere, the way we build resilience in this home, and the fact that we will a hundred percent not budge on the fact that we respect one another and that we do not hurt one another in this home like that is just where the magic happens.
So I really wanna do everything I can possible to support you to get through those intense times. And so Terry and I are gonna tell you some stories today about some, actually some sports analogies. We are a surfing family, so you’re gonna hear us talk about some situations in the surfing world where we were scared, we were unsure of ourselves and we had to pull on our confidence, we had to pull on our training, we had to pull on self-control and self-regulation strategies to really get us through some intense hard things. And at the end of this episode, you’ll hear us kind of tie it all together where we help you understand how the sports analogies and the hard things we’ve made it through, especially when it comes to surfing ha, what that has to do and how that is the exact same thing as getting through intense hard things in our parenting walk.
So I hope that makes sense. I hope you enjoy this episode. It is really, I think a, an important subject that I want you guys to really understand. I see you, I admire you and I believe in you. You may not believe in yourself and you may have doubts all day long that you know positive parenting. Like will it really work? Will compassion and dignity and respect and connection actually influence your children to behave and listen well because they truly respect you, not because they have to. Like, you may still be doubting those things, but I see you, I believe in you. I know now that I’m a decade into it and have been using these strategies for 10 years.
I know with a thousand million gazillion percentage that these strategies work. You just have to find the courage and the tenacity and the persistence to use them every day in your parenting walk to use them even amidst the hardest situations where a child is melting down or a situation has gone, you know, really in a different direction where you are just don’t know what to do in the moment. And you have to call on your self-control and your self-regulation techniques to kind of calm yourself down before you teach an important life lesson. But I see you and I believe in you, and I am holding you in the light. Even when you can’t hold yourself.
I want you to think of me, I want you to hear my voice and I want you to know that you can do hard things. I believe in you here at Fresh Start Family. We will always be here to support you, to give you the tactical actionable steps that you need. In this episode, we’re more talking about the kind of theoretical side of things and we’re giving you personal stories to give you an example of what it looks like in sports. But we could really talk all day about this cuz there are a lot of stories in our parenting walk where this has come into play where you really just have to believe in yourself and you have to know that you’re gonna be okay, that you can get on the other side of the intense situation. And when you do, and when you do that with grace and dignity and respect and connection and integrity, you are going to feel like a million bucks.
So without further ado, you guys enjoy this episode. Thanks for listening. Thanks for caring so deeply about your kids and your family, and it’s just such an honor to support and encourage you. PS if you haven’t subscribed to the Fresh Start Family Show, make sure you do that. You can click over to iTunes really easily. Just push the subscribe button while you’re there. If you could leave a review, it usually takes less than three minutes, and it’s a wonderful way to support us here at Fresh Start Family. The more reviews we have, the more we are seen in the iTunes world, which means the more parents from around the world that we can reach with encouragement and support. So thanks guys, enjoy this episode.
Stella:
Well, hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus, and rock and roll and believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together we hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools, and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.
Wendy:
Well, hey there families, and welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show.
Terry:
What’s up?
Wendy:
Terry and I are excited to talk to you today about how you can do hard things.
Terry:
Yes, you can do it.
Wendy:
Yes, it’s gonna be a bit of a pep talk and we’ve, I’ve wanted to record this episode for a long time because the, the idea actually came to me when we were in the water one day surfing. And so it’s gonna be kind of a fun way to take some surfing analogies or some, I don’t know, not, how would you say this? Some, some observations that I have learned from being a surfer and tie them into similarities in our parenting walk. And I know that may sound really weird, you guys, and you don’t have to be a surfer to listen to this episode, but there there’s a lot that we can learn from surfing that we are going to tie into this, this topic.
And, and this is what I mean. So when I say you can do hard things, this, this happens, I see this a lot in the families that I work with through the Foundation’s Course or the Bonfire Membership program, that there comes a time in our parenting walk like 10,000 times a week where you have to have confidence, you have to be willing to do some hard work in order to get some great results. And raising young human souls with integrity is not always easy. There’s going to be a lot of temptations where it’s like, it would be easier just to do this or that it would be easier right now just to lay the smack down or just give in, right?
We always teach families here at Fresh Start Family to find the middle ground between too firm and too kind, right? So there’s gonna be times when you’re tempted just to be too firm and revert back to fear and force and intimidation and hurt because you think it will show your kids whose boss or you think that it’ll just, you know, fix misbehavior really fast. And then there’s going to be times when you’re tempted to just give in because you’re exhausted, you’re tired, you don’t know what to do. And so then you end up getting into a permissive pattern where your kids don’t have strong enough boundaries and roles. And that equals a really bad situation in families too. So we want you guys to have confidence that when a challenge comes your way, and especially when you try to apply some of the strategies we teach here at Fresh Start Family, such as peaceful conflict resolutions, like win-wins, self calming breaks, letting emotional storms pass instead of trying to fix or control your kids.
Often that’ll come in the form of tantrums or you know, sometimes, you know, if your kids go to bed upset, like not needing having the need to fix everything and, and have everyone be happy around you, but instead just to be really firm with your limits sometimes. I mean, there’s a lot of examples we could give, but you are going to need courage and bravery and faith that you can do it. I’ll give you one example before we get into the points that we’re gonna cover here. But I remember there was the first time I ever successfully mentored my children through a peaceful conflict resolution situation. So this is a strategy we teach inside of foundations course and bonfire membership program.
It’s called a win-win. And it’s basically a way to like, as parents to work with your kids in a way that doesn’t overpower them, but instead teaches intrinsic self-control. It teaches cooperation, it teaches mutual respect, and it teaches creativity because you’re engaging your kids’ critical thinking skills. And it’s basically like, I feel blank, I want blank and you know, I feel sad, I wanna keep playing. And then the parent might say, well, I feel scared that we’re gonna be late to school and I want you to get in the car, so how are we gonna make this work? And then eventually you teach your children to do it. And it is so freaking powerful you guys, when you teach your children win-wins, it creates children that grow up to be much different kinds of human beings than, you know, kids that just were overpowered their whole life and their parents used intimidation to make them comply.
So anyways, back to the story. So we were coming home one night when Terrin was four, Stella was seven, maybe, I think I’ve maybe told this story in a different episode. But they used to run in the house and fight over this chair, this, this brown leather chair that was a special chair. It was in Stella’s room the first year of her life. I nursed her in that chair for, you know, a long, long time and such special memories when we brought her home from the hospital. That was, that was the big investment piece at the time in our life. And so they would run in this house and at that time we had it in our living room. They would hop in the chair and they would just start fighting over the chair. Our kids have always had strong voices, which we love. And so they have a tendency to fight a little bit.
It’s kind of our big achilles, you know, heel around here. Is that the right way to say it? Achilles heel.
Terry:
Yeah.
Wendy:
It’s, it challenges us over the years. We’ve really had to dive deep into learning how to work with them in the, you know, sibling rivalry and conflict arena. But they ran, they’d run in the house and they would just start fighting and pushing over who gets to sit in this chair. And this one night, I remember coming in, it was like 6:00 PM I think you were working in Orange County at the time, so you were, weren’t getting home till seven or 8:00 PM at night. And I was tired, I was stressed, and I was like, you know what, we’re not going anywhere. We’re not doing anything until we successfully get through a win-win. And it might take us a while, but I was so freaking done and I actually succeeded at using, letting my anger fuel my commitment and perseverance and persistence to teach my kids peaceful conflict resolution.
So I sat with them until we worked this thing out in this chair, and I’ll never forget it took like 25 minutes and I, which is,
Terry:
Which is a long time when you’re like, it was in that kind of the, the heat heat’s on. Yeah.
Wendy:
Oh my gosh. And there was so many moments where I was like, I’m just gonna kill ’em. I’m gonna eat my children and Terry’s gonna come home and I’m gonna be like the insects who eat their own children. The praying mantis, don’t they do that? Yeah, I think so. I, I don’t know. I always say that like, it’s, sometimes it feels like an accomplishment when you don’t eat, your young, right? There’s some type of insect out there that eats their own young. Anyways, I digress. But back to the story. And so what’s cool about that story that is so imprinted in my brain is I remember being extremely frustrated, feeling like at any moment I was gonna freak out and just send them both to bed without dinner, which I had done some nights, like there, there were nights when I didn’t make it through, but this night I did, and I was able to endure and stay patient and stay in a mentorship state.
And at the end of 25 minutes I remember they were like, okay, cool, we’ve got a deal, mom. And they were hugging, they were high fiving. Their, their relationship was strengthened. My faith that they were able to work out differences on their own was strengthened because you know, as parents with kids who fight a lot, so many times a positive parenting educator will tell you, you gotta look, you gotta teach your kids how to work it on their own. And you’re like, yeah, right. I don’t know if that’s possible. Well, this proved it’s possible. You just have to have patience and believe in them. And that’s the cool thing about peaceful conflict negotiation or win-wins is that at the end, since nobody is overpowered or forced to comply, it strengthens relationships and it teaches your children to hang in with each other.
It teaches them critical thinking skills. It teaches them creativity, it teaches them empathy, it teaches them just healthy relationship skills. So, but that is extremely tough that, you know,
Terry:
Yeah, I I think one of the things that you’re highlighting here is around the idea of you can do hard things. I think there’s gonna be this thing that comes up a lot when people either listen to the podcast or start to dive into some of these ways of, of handling situations. Like, but that’s gonna take a long time. What if I put all the time into it and it still doesn’t work? Or what if, what if this, what if that? Yeah. I think we’re here to encourage you to say it’s all worth it. Keep going. Do it anyways. It didn’t work the last time. Do it again
Wendy:
because it will, it will long term.
Terry:
Stay with it. Stay with it. Yeah. And I think that’s where, you know, we just want to get people out of the, the mindset that everything has to be a quick fix,
Wendy:
pretty
Terry:
pretty move, move along with your day. There was
Wendy:
perfect,
Terry:
There was a mess. We cleaned it up, it’s done, it’s over. It got swept under the rug with all the other messes and we just keep going. It’s like sometimes it’s gonna take some time and sometimes it’s going to be messy and hard and, and emotional
Wendy:
energy
Terry:
and emotional.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Terry:
And, and it, it’s going to, but on the other side of it, wow. It, it is amazing. Yeah. And I think that’s where this analogy to surfing comes in.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Terry:
To parenthood especially. And I’ll let you tell some stories, Wendy, but you know, I think before you even g go into like even the idea of surfing, and you can draw your own analogy here too, if it’s skiing, snowboarding Yeah. Running a marathon hiking.
Wendy:
Yes. Yeah.
Terry:
Anything where there is this idea where there’s, you have a plan, but you also have all these other elements that could just throw that plan right out the window and you could fail and you could fail and you could get hurt and you could get hurt and you could get into situations where you’re like, how did I get into this situation? This is not the plan. You could, this was not part of the plan. Yeah. I think that’s a big one for people to acknowledge is like, there’s this plan that you have in your own head for parenting and it’s like, would you, would you rather just have this fantasy in your head that this is the way it’s gonna go and then try to will your way along through life to try to keep it to that plan? Or would you rather prepare yourself for all the situations that are probably gonna come up anyways, that you can actually say, okay, well I’ve got a tool, I, alright, so I paddled out, I thought I was gonna get all the way out with my, my hair dry, right?
Oh, that didn’t happen. Yeah, I got caught by a set. So would you rather just be prepared for what do you do when you’re caught inside by a set wave? Or how do you stay calm in the situation where you weren’t expecting it and you got blindsided by it? So that’s where I think that’s where the analogy starts for me is like, it’s not bad to have a plan. You should totally plan. I, you know, being around some of the best surfers in the world, they always have a plan. But usually
Wendy:
Yeah and they’ve trained hard.
Terry:
Yeah. And they’ve trained hard. But usually there is an even bigger plan for what happens when the plan goes wrong. Yes. Or what happens when the plan doesn’t go to plan.
Wendy:
Yep. And we’re gonna, yep, we’re gonna talk about that. So number one, we’re gonna talk about how it’s important to acknowledge fear and, and really face it. Number two, we’re gonna talk about the importance of breath and calmness. And then number three, how to stick to a plan and your training like Terry’s talked about and be able to adapt. Not, but, but, and, and then number four, celebrate your courage and bravery. Yeah. So I’ll give you one more example before we just really hop into why this ties into sports. And for us surfing is, you know, we had an episode about enduring tantrums with Grace. I think that’s the episode name, but it was with, we interviewed an incredible father named Joel Mitchell.
And that’s a good one to listen to if this really resonates with you. And you’re like, whoa, I wanna, I wanna like train on this. But he talks about how he, how we can endure sometimes those tantrums with toddlers and even older kids can have tantrums, let’s be real, or extre, you know, big season, big moments of misbehavior. But that the, the, the episode where we interviewed him, he talked about, there was like about a 25 minute tantrum he endured with his little girl. And it was so beautiful. He happened to tape it, it went viral on YouTube. But the endurance was so incredible and what he spoke to us about how he made it through that was so beautiful.
But so many parents don’t make it through. They think, oh my gosh, like I got, I have to stop this tantrum. I have to stop this emotional outburst. I have to make sure this like, oh no, they’re gonna break something. They’re gonna, they can’t hit me. Like, why They’re tantruming they can’t, this, this is not okay. Like they, they cannot act like this. Right? Like, and so you try to snuff it out, you try to fix it. You, you cap the emotions. You come in and you externally control it. When we are saying to you, that’s just another example, just like the win-win chair was another example of, no, there’s a different way you can actually get through this fully with what we teach here at Fresh Start Family, which is you don’t try to fix tantrums when your child’s in a tantrum.
You deal with it in a calm time. You, you learn about tantrums, which is a totally different beast than misbehavior. That’s a, I think we have an episode on tantrums, don’t we? I don’t know. I get confused with bonfire membership lessons and Yes. What were you gonna say? I
Terry:
Was just gonna say, I’m even gonna throw something out there that like, when when you actually decide to not endure through this stuff and yell overpower you fear and force you’ve actually quit.
Wendy:
Yes. Yes. You, you, you
Terry:
Actually, if we’re using the analogy, you quit, you tapped out, you went to the beach and you’re just being a loudmouth on, on the beach.
Wendy:
Yes. But you never caught the wave. Okay, we gotta get, we gotta get surfing now we gotta tell him why this is Yeah,
Terry:
Go ahead. Okay. Okay. Okay. But yeah, so if Joel, like, so just to put a, put a bow on Joel’s story, like, you know, he sat there and, and endured this and he got to see the beautiful thing on the other side of it. If he would’ve snuffed out that tantrum that that young, young child was having or you know, just tried to, to fix it in the moment or do do all the things that most parents kind of feel this pull to do. Yeah. I would suggest that you are actually quitting. Yeah.
Wendy:
Well you never, you got you. He like, there’s so many things that he talks about com the beauty from the result of that. Yeah. Which you, you guys are listening and you haven’t heard that episode. You’re like, what are you talking about? What is the beauty of enduring a tantrum? Like Yeah, right. Like you just survive it. Well no, we actually teach you that. There is other things like connection, trust, safety, the father-daughter bond that comes from a little girl not being hurt by her father when she is learning how to handle her emotions and deal with oncoming sickness and extreme exhaustion. Like there is just so much beauty and self-control that comes from that story in particular that, that if you quit halfway or fix or do all those things, you wouldn’t get to experience that on the other side of things.
And, and it’s a long term thing like that, that one of the results of that story of Joel Mitchell could be when his daughter is a teenager, the way she feels in relationship to her father. Yeah. So it’s some deep stuff, but it’s, it’s beautiful. So, okay, let’s tell you why the surfing thing really resonates with Terry and I. So and so, so in surfing there’s a big learning period. This is my acknowledgement of it. It took like, I’ve done a lot of sports in my life. I was a competitive springboard diver growing up. I was a skier since I was five and I started surfing later in life and it was the hardest sport ever to pick up because it’s always changing. There’s definitely a, a strong life or death component.
You sometimes get hurt and you have to be an extremely strong swimmer. You have to be courageous when it comes to like sharks and stingrays and jellyfish and all that kind of stuff. You have to have an a crazy amount of endurance and perseverance because a lot of times it’s not a sport that people just get overnight. Like there’s so many different elements of learning this sport that you have to hang in there and have the long term goals. But there have been many situations where, you know, I have been looking on the beach or let’s just use the example of when we were in Fiji once and it was like one of the first few times we had served Cloudbreak, which is one of like the biggest, most heaviest waves in the world.
And I remember the fear. So point number one that we wanna teach you guys is acknowledge fear and just face it. Feel it, don’t hide it, don’t try to deny it. Don’t think that it’s weak. Fear is a healthy human emotion. Feeling scared. And I remember the first time the fear came up was like, should, should I set my alarm for 5:00 AM to go out with the guys to surf cloudbreak? Because you don’t really know how big it’s going to be. You can’t tell from the resort on Tavarua. You, you like, you can get up in the, the tree house and look with binoculars, but you don’t really know. And if you go all the way out on this boat and sit there like you’re not gonna, the boat’s gonna be there for three hours. So are you really gonna sit on the boat when you’re a competitive person like me?
Hell no, I’m gonna paddle out. So if I get on that boat, I’m committing to paddling out at a freaking cloud break, which is heavy, right? So you have to make so that the fear comes up and then you get out there and you look at it and you’re like, okay, alright. Like fear, whoa, I feel scared. I feel scared. It’s big. Is it not big? Can I do this? Like the other day when we went to paddle out there was like a shark sign. It’s another way of like, ooh, that feels, that feels scary and I can do this. So back to the Fiji story. I remember hopping off the boat and this, this one particular memory of like, you know, catching a wave and then paddling back out. And this, this swell had grown like really, really big quickly, I don’t know if you remember this, this, this session where the lifeguard, the boatman was like, literally like watching me was like, is she okay?
Because I was just like, I was getting worked on the inside and I was, so this is now at a point number two is as I was getting kind of worked on the inside and trying to make it back out, this giant set flares up. And you have to often in surfing when that happens, you have to like scramble to get back out on the outside. And if you do it in a crazy way, you, whether you’re talking about duck diving and getting held down or just having the oxygen to paddle fast and duck dive successfully under waves, you have to have good breath and you have to rain calm. That is like a strong component of being a surfer because if you are freaked out and panicking in that red part of your zone that fight flight or freeze, then you’re not going to be able to hold your breath as long underneath water.
You’re not going to be able to be as fast and it’s, it’s just not good. And then after that session, I remember I made it and it was like, whoa, that was heavy. It honestly was like the gnarliest surf session of my life. But when we got back to the boat, I remember I could like barely pull myself in those, those boats are so hard to get it into and, but I sat on the boat going back like I did it, I did it. I freaking just did that. I just surfed cloudbreak on, surfed cloudbreak on a really big day and it was phenomenal. I felt like I could, I could conquer the world now and I, I probably didn’t even get many waves, but it was, it was just the fact that I did it.
I persevered, I was able to feel the braveness and the courage because I felt scared and I did it anyways. And this has happened many, many times. It happened when we were had a, a date night in Carlsbad a few months ago and, and, or gosh, that probably was longer now, but it was really big and I remember being like, Ugh, I don’t really wanna paddle out. It’s really intense. I’m scared I’m gonna get hurt. But then I did it, we had a good session, we came back in and then afterwards I was like, yes, I feel good. I feel like I can do anything now whether it’s parenting or business or relationship. And so that’s kind of my, my analogy to it.
Well, hey, there families. I have a question for you. What if you could be an effective firm and kind parent without relying on fear force bribery and rewards? Wouldn’t that feel so good? Can I get a heck yes. I know you guys all want this, but the problem is parenting for you hasn’t been what you imagined and has you feeling exhausted, frustrated, and worried instead of joyful and confident. You’re sick and tired of relying on threats and raising your voice to get your kids to listen. And you may even feel like you’re stuck in Groundhogs day cycle because you’ve inherited an outdated parenting model that no longer works to influence kids to listen and cooperate.
Well trust me, you guys, I have so been there before too, but I’ve found a simple solution to end the drama. Introducing my new firm and kind parenting blueprint program that is such a simple way to step into learning with Fresh Start family. This new program of mine is very, very affordable and includes a simple blueprint and step-by-step plan where you’ll get a video training on the Fresh Start family four step firm and kind parenting process as well as a learning guide and a principle pack to make teaching kids easy. Don’t wait another second families head over to firmandkindparentingblueprint.com to check out this new program and get started today.
Wendy:
What would you say, Terry? What would you add to that?
Terry:
Oh, I’m just seeing this whole thing of like the boat is, is positive parenting. You gotta just, oh nice. You gotta get in the boat. Yeah, you gotta get in the boat. You gotta trust that you’re, you’re gonna go out there, you’re, that you’re going to make the right decisions that you can stay calm and it doesn’t mean go out there without any training. That’s, that’s where people come in alongside of you to help you. Yeah. That’s, that’s where Fresh Start family comes in to help you and give you the tools that’s, you know, Wendy didn’t go out there as like, this is her first time surfing. You know, she had learned some of these basic things. She knew that she needed to stay calm in those moments where there were sets or else she wouldn’t be able to hold her breath as long she knew some of these concepts and she had to trust them, get in the boat and go.
And then also know that she had, you know, some mentors around her that were also gonna support her in the form of the boatman and her friends and things like that to where you’re surrounding yourself with people who are like-minded that also have the same tools and, and you’re gonna do it anyways, but you’re never going to get to the other side or that feeling that she describes if you don’t get in the boat.
Wendy:
Yeah. And and what he’s, this, this particular surf break in Fiji is, and what we mean by the boat is you cannot, you have to get on a boat and it’s a 20 minute boat ride to the break. So you can’t just sit on the beach and pop in. Like you have to make a commitment like we talked about. It’s a 20 minute boat ride to the middle of the ocean. So, so yeah, like, and and can you think Terry, of some like bigger days where, cuz cause I like in our relationship we’ve been surfing together for, I don’t know, 10, 15 years and I’m always the one that like experiences feeling scared more than you. Yeah. I feel like you never are scared, but there’s gotta, there have to have been some days, whether it’s in a cloud break possibly or somewhere where you had the same feeling of being scared cuz it’s gotta be pretty big for you to feel scared.
But can you share like how you, you went through the same process and how you can see it being similar to, to parenting because the breath and the calmness is so important. Yeah.
Terry:
Like, no, I’ve definitely been scared before. Lots of times I think you, you build upon that, that courage, too, the more and more situations you see yourself through. What about
Wendy:
Hawaii? You were just in Hawaii doing that photo shoot with
Terry:
Yeah. With Nathan Florence. Yes.
Wendy:
Yeah. And you paddled out on that giant sweat. I – set.
Terry:
Yeah. No, it was, so that was a big day and I, I paddled out to shoot photos of him at log cabins and it was on a growing swell like you described. It’s like it was small in the morning and then it was just starting to get bigger and bigger by like every 10 minutes. The sets were were getting bigger, it was raining, we were the only people out. So that’s like cool. But at the same time a little spooky too. Yes.
Wendy:
And the doesn’t the water get a little murky when it rains and there’s like, it’s like shark country?
Terry:
Well this day actually it was super clear. The water was really like perfectly blue, but underneath the water is like, you know, there’s coral heads, there’s sharp like reef and everything down there and I’m swimming.
Wendy:
Right. You were right.
Terry:
It’s
Wendy:
Cause you had your camera.
Terry:
Yeah. So I’m swimming and, and yeah, it was kind of like the waves weren’t breaking in exactly the same place all the time too. So I constantly had to look to see if I was gonna get like, taken out by a set while I’m also trying to shoot a video clip and things like that. Yeah.
Wendy:
So there was double the, the feeling of being scared, I’m pretty sure, and you can call it pressure if you want, but I’m gonna just call it feeling scared because you had to nail some shots being the, the water photographer. Well, back up. So back up. He’s Terry’s a creative director by trade and he is in Hawaii on the north shore of Oahu to shoot a campaign. And so there’s, there’s pressure to get good shots, there’s pressure to get good things right? And you had this idea, like no one had actually expected you to paddle out and get these water shots. It was a bit of a creative decision. Like, you know what surfs up, he wanted to surf and you’re like, killer, I got my rig, let’s go. But it was, you had to trust yourself in that moment. So I’m pretty sure that was the first initial thought, the fear that came up, right?
You were like, this is an awesome idea. And then you were like, oh, snap, can I pull this off? Am I good enough? Can I do this? Am I good enough swimmer? And everyone on the beach was like, whoa bro, what are you doing? Like, even the lifeguard right? Was like, yeah, who’s that guy and why is he out there?
Terry:
So the, yeah, this, this goes into kind of back when I was talking about your plan, like you’re like, you have something in your head. Like in the morning it was like, yeah, cool, so we’re gonna do these shots in the morning, right? And then midday, we’ll check the waves. It looks like it might be kind of fun and I’ll swim out with you, we’ll get a couple shots and then after that we’ll go do this. Right. So here came this point in time where it was time to go shoot this and it had like, it was easily twice as big as it was that morning. Yeah. And everybody was looking at me like, you still want to do this,
Wendy:
Right? Yes. Everyone was doubting you. Yeah. I was with you guys in the afternoon and everyone was like, we thought Terry,
Terry:
Everyone was doubting me. But you know, honestly, I didn’t, I also don’t want to put this in there that it was like somehow this, like this reverse psychology peer pressure or Right. That I did something stupid. I actually just had to gut check myself. Yeah. Look out there and say, remind myself who I was, what I knew how to do. Yep. And I knew I could do hard things and I knew if I did what I know how to do that I could trust myself in this situation even though it was scary. Yes. And even though it was, it was hard and
Wendy:
There were risks involved
Terry:
And there were risk involved. So yeah, I, Wendy’s describing, I swam out about a minute after I was swimming out. The lifeguard on like a four-wheeler came up to my colleagues, my friends who were shooting from the beach. They were like, who’s that guy and what is he doing out there?
Wendy:
Right. Is he okay?
Terry:
And and they were like, yeah, he’s shooting Nathan Florence and is he a good swimmer? Is can he handle it? Yeah. He’s, he’s a, he’s a good body surfer, you know, I think he’s, I think he’s okay. And like I said, okay, all right, fine. But there was definitely this like, you know, shadow of a doubt around Yeah. Everybody. And so, yeah, I got out in that situation. I saw there were turtles out there, I swam, got the shots that I needed and then when it was time to come in, I was scared again. This is the best part. I was, I was scared to come in cuz really then it’s like, okay, how do I get from outside where the waves are breaking all the way into shore without getting annihilated hitting a coral head or getting caught by a set or just getting embarrassed by getting like, yeah, full shore break onto the like beach and like with a
Wendy:
Camera in your hand that you with
Terry:
A camera in my hand and like being on like kook slams or something like that. Right? Yeah. So, so anyways, I just again decided to trust myself. Nathan had just gotten a wave. He was paddling back out towards me. I saw one and
Wendy:
Was there breath and calmness involved?
Terry:
Like absolutely.
Wendy:
I wanna make sure we don’t skip over that because
Terry:
Every, every moment of the way was trust.
Wendy:
I can do this.
Terry:
Like be Yeah. Staying calm, slow, steady breath, staying engaged, being aware of my surroundings, not living in my own head. Yes. But being aware of my surroundings and just slowing down.
Wendy:
Yes. Because that we’ve had some really strong mentors in both parenting and in waterman world teach us this concept. So that’s why I want you to, to just pause on the story real quick to make sure you, you focus on this for a second. Because when you are in a heightened state, you guys and you are like, you wanna stick to a firm limit and your child is freaking out or you, you know, are really wanting to resist your pride and ego to lay the smack down when you’ve felt hurt, when you’ve heard us teach that you don’t have to lay the smack down when you feel hurt, when you wanna show compassion, but you are struggling and you’re like fire’s coming out of your head or when you want to give grace, which is again, is unmerited f favor, right?
Wendy:
Like it’s, it’s almost like someone doesn’t deserve it, but you wanna give them compassion and grace. Like, but again, you’re so like tempted to do something. The breath and the calmness is huge. And I remember Kimmy
Terry:
Kimmy Werner. Yeah.
Wendy:
Yes. Kimmy Werner, who’s an incredible water woman. She’s a free diver. She’s a fisher fisher woman. She’s like a mermaid. But she was in a really beautiful film. Fish people. Fish people. Was that made by Patagonia?
Terry:
Yeah, Keith Malloy and Patagonia.
Wendy:
So in this film, she walks us through how she goes down, she dives deep and, and a free diver means that she does it all with breath. She doesn’t use tanks and she actually goes down and, and fishes and provides for her family. And she’s just like, she’s big time sponsored, but she’s incredible. The longest she’s ever been in the water is like five minutes and six 40 seconds or something. She’s swam with giant sharks. Like, that movie is so insane. You guys would love it. You gotta check it out. But she talks about the, the breath and the calmness that she has before she goes under. And then even almost like the underwater, what she goes through in the calmness, that has to do with the training she does has done on land.
Wendy:
Because she makes it about like at minute two or minute two and a half, she goes into a deeper sense of calm. Like she actually, it’ll flare up and say, oh no, you’re, you’re losing breath or you better go up soon. And she actually has a process where she deepens her calmness and that allows her to double her time underneath water. So it’s just really important that, like, when you think back to this story with Nathan Florence, how there, there was a point when you really had to like deal with that internal dialogue and calm yourself down, breathe through your nose, out through your breath, out through your mouth. All right. Family is one more quick pause because I wanna make sure you know where to find more information.
Wendy:
If you are interested in learning more about our Fresh Start experience. A full support program for parents looking for clear answers and easy to implement guidance on how to redirect their children’s misbehavior with integrity, connection, and long-term effectiveness. Their fresh start experience combines teaching and the power of community to fast track cooperation and results. I’ve developed a really unique teaching style that has helped thousands of parents actually see success when learning and implementing new positive parenting strategies into their home. So are you ready to create a family legacy and memories that bring you joy every single day?
Wendy:
If yes, I want you to head on over to freshstartfamilyonline.com/jointoday where you will get to read all about what the program includes, the pricing, all that good stuff. Just head on over there and it will have everything you need to know. All right, well I hope to see you inside of the experience soon. Let’s get back to the episode. So anyways, okay, so now go on. So then,
Terry:
So yeah, and if, if I would’ve given in to any of those things that Wendy’s talking about, if I would’ve freaked out in my head or, or just like given into the chatter in my head of all the fear or flared up or anything of this, none of this would’ve been possible. So yes, staying in that zone. And then so Nathan’s paddling back out, I decide it’s time for me to get in now I can either just try to time it to where I swim in, in between sets or I can body surf a wave in. And I said to myself, I’m gonna do this. So I turned around, a wave came right to me, I swam for it, I kicked as hard as I could body surfed this wave with the camera in my hand, got a barrel right in front of Nathan as he’s paddling back out his hands in the air.
Terry:
And gosh, I was able to get into like maybe 15 yards from being in, get a good look at the shore break, navigate my way in, get my, get to my feet, walk up the beach and woo.
Wendy:
And that feeling in that moment was what?
Terry:
Oh, it was just, it was pure joy and exhilaration. Like, like all of my muscles were like awake. My mind was still in a state of calm, but it was in this like, it was, it was, it was bursting in a on fire in a different, totally different way. And
Wendy:
How about courage, bravery and empowerment? Were those three like on, on level 1000?
Terry:
Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And again, if I, if I hadn’t have done it, if I would’ve just stayed on the beach, it wouldn’t have happened. If I would’ve given into the voices in my head, it wouldn’t have happened again.
Wendy:
You might have gotten hurt. Yeah.
Terry:
Again, I am not advising that people do things that are going to, that are just stupid. Yeah. I wouldn’t have done this if it was just stupid. This was, this was a challenge that I had been training for for a long time, you know, without even acknowledging that I’d been training for it. I was, I was ready. But I would just say keep, you know, in, in your parenting walk, keep putting yourself into those challenges and these equipping yourself with these tools that keep you in this calm state of mind so that you can make the decisions that actually will get you to the other side.
Terry:
Because I think what, what, you know, what we’re also trying to say is like if you give into these, these moments where you’re just flared up where you’re angry and you’re acting fearful and you’re just reacting out of all of this anger and frustration that things didn’t go to plan or
Wendy:
You’re scared of what could happen, or
Terry:
Possibly even worse, like some parents may just completely disconnect and just decide just to opt out of like even having a relationship with their kids. Yeah. Or medicating themselves through drugs and alcohol and just completely checking out or giving up on your marriage or walking away from your kids. Things like that. That’s like you, you didn’t even get in the boat or you didn’t even get in the water or you didn’t even try to learn about what, what you would even do in those situations. Yeah. So we’re just here to encourage you through these stories to say you can do hard things.
Wendy:
Yeah. And what I will say about that story or about my cloudbreak story, well let’s just focus on that story you just told us Terry, is that will probably be one of the most memorable experiences of your life. And that’s actually what happens in parenting too. Like the chair, the, the peaceful conflict negotiation chair story will be one of the most memorable experiences in my life. There’s a story, I’m not gonna tell it now, but it’s like after, basically I went to my first year Infinite Life weekend course where I had the, my first experience of remaining calm with Stella through a really intense emotional outburst. And we had a moment where we actually, like I allowed her to move through her emotions and I handled myself with integrity, which was a big change I had not before that moment.
Wendy:
And I was one of the first times I ever actually heard what she was saying to me and really truly felt connected after that freedom to be weekend. But that is another experience because I made it through it and I had the courage to do it. It it, it is one of the most memorable experiences of my life and it’s the most, one of the most life changing experiences in my life. So that’s what we want you guys to be able to do when you have these big situations with your kids where yeah, it’s gonna take courage when you, you know, you hear us coaching and teaching about this, your ability to stay calm or model what you want your kids to learn, that is going to take some intense moments. There is going to be messiness around this.
Wendy:
There is going to be moments where you’re, you know, you have a toddler or a child who is freaking out, throwing things, hitting, saying nasty things like, because they’re in a pattern, they’re in a dance with you. Right. And you are learning, you, you’re showing up to learn with Fresh Start Family how to do things differently. But they’re, it’s gonna take them a little bit of time because they’ve had it modeled to them in a different way for a while and now it’s gonna take them a little bit to get on board. You’re gonna have to practice what we’re talking about through those moments. Just this last week in our Bonfire membership program, we had a family who is newer to the work and they’ve, they’ve had a pattern with their strong-willed child for many, many years where they were using fear force intimidation and overpowering to try to control her intensity.
Wendy:
And, you know, so many of us raising power kids, we, we were very, very familiar with the intensity that comes along with these children, but they’ve been using that for so long and now they’re about a month in to switching it up and they’re kind of like, whoa, we feel like things are getting worse. And I was explaining to them that this often happens with some children because we, when we decide to break the dance and end the painful generational cycle and learn to do things a different way, they actually feel unsafe. They feel like we are deserting them. They feel just confused and un-confident. Their self-confidence often plummets because they know how to do the dance, the power struggle, the revenge behavior back and forth.
Wendy:
They know that if they push our buttons, we’re gonna gonna come in and overpower them or hurt them or harm them or say things that are nasty. And so it’s a form of engagement that gets real nasty in families and it’ll go on for life if parents don’t end it. Right. But to actually have the courage to break that cycle and then make it through when those kids are kind of questioning it, freaking out and going, wait a second, I always push your buttons and you always react.
Terry:
My role, my role in this was to do this. Wait, we’re not doing that anymore. Yeah.
Wendy:
We, you’re supposed to yell at me and this is not gonna come out with your child saying to you, wait a second, when I’ve said no in the past, you’ve always put your finger in my face, or you’ve always yelled at me, or you’ve always made me go to my room. Or you’ve always threatened to spank me. Like, aren’t you gonna do that Now? They’re not gonna say that to you. They’re just gonna freak out. They’re gonna do anything they can to remain safe in their habitual dance, which we have taught them. So it’s a, it’s a whole, it’s an, it’s a topic for a whole nother episode and we will record on that soon, Terry, cuz it’s very important. But, but families, you know, I, I’ve seen it over and over again in our Bonfire membership program. The families who have the courage to see that period through, and this doesn’t happen to every family, but the ones who were pretty deep in the fear and force for longer periods of time, they experience it more than families who have just been doing things.
Wendy:
But we experienced it. Right. Stella did. Stella got way worse.
Terry:
It was really helpful though, to imagine it as a dance. Yeah. That had been taught to our, our child by doing things a certain way for a certain amount of time. They get really used to it. And then you try to change it up and even though you’re changing up, changing it up with, you know, a much more positive outcome, they’ll usually, like, they might tangle with you more to be like, yeah, no, this is my sense of belonging is actually every night, every night at eight o’clock we get no a fight. Yeah.
Wendy:
And then I stay up longer. Yeah.
Terry:
Yep. And it doesn’t, it’s nonsensical. But please, this is again an encouragement of you can do hard things, see it through, actually go all the way through. This is a, goes back to the analogy of like you’re getting on the boat, you’re gonna be in the water, you might get caught by a set.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Terry:
Keep going.
Wendy:
Yeah. And get the support that you need because this is, this is a great conversation around doing hard things. But I’m not teaching you how to make it through those seasons. I’m not teaching you in this episode how to make it through a tantrum. How to endure how to teach in a calm time. Like this is just the idea that you can do it, you can do it. Yeah. But yeah. So I think we covered all the points Terry. So just to review, when you are faced with a tough, challenging situation where you know, you get that feeling like, oh gosh, this is gonna be hard, this is gonna be sticky, things might get messy, I feel scared. Like all those things, the first thing you wanna do is acknowledge that fear and face it, it’s a human healthy emotion to feel scared. On the other side of it is bravery and courage.
Wendy:
Number two, use your breath and your self calming capabilities to remain calm. You will be able to make it through and be an effective teacher and a parent who acts with integrity if you do that. Number three is stick to your plan and your training and be willing to adapt. And then number four is celebrate your courage and bravery at the end. Because when you feel that feeling at the end, it’s something that you really wanna stop and say, man, I did it high five. That was really courageous of yourself. Tomorrow’s a fresh start. We can, I can tweak the way I did things a little bit. I can go to my coach and learn what I could have done differently. But today I’m going to celebrate that I actually had the courage to see it through.
Wendy:
Whether it’s sticking to a firm kind limit, seeing your, you know, teaching your children win-wins, not engaging in power, struggle, misbehavior, not reverting to fear and force or intimidation or revenge or hurt to teach. Like any, anything. Small steps are big steps and just make sure you celebrate that. So I think that’s all I’ve got on that. Any other words, Terry before we say goodbye?
Terry:
No, this is just fun. You know, I hope you know, people out there that enjoy the sports analogy, it, it, it was fun for, for me to think about it. Cause I just keep thinking about these parallels of like, you know, most sports, there’s no such thing as perfection. So that last point that you have of like, you’re always making adjustments. You always like reflecting and looking back on it. Even the best are always like saying, okay, how can I tweak this the next time? So there’s always going to be ways to improve. Let’s just all as parents keep ourselves pointed in the right direction and and marching forward in learning new tools and investing in our family.
Terry:
It’s just that is the direction you want to head in, and we’re encouraging you every step of the way.
Wendy:
Families. I hope that you have loved this episode as much as I have loved recording it for you. Don’t forget to go grab your free Quick Start Learning bundle so you can really step into learning with me. Head on over to freshstartfamilyonline.com/free, and you’ll get your downloadable learning guide about how to raise strong-willed kids with integrity so you don’t lose your mind. And then also an invite to join me for my free Power Struggles Online workshop. All right, go grab that now. Freshstartfamilyonline.com/free. As always, thanks for listening and I’ll see you in the next episode.
For links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/173.
Stella:
For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening, families, have a great day.
